"Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times (by Republicans). And he asked a great question. He said, 'Can they say yes to anything?' A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said 'no.' What is the Democrats' next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?" —Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling negotiations
"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" —Conan O'Brien
"I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20." —Jon Stewart
"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." —David Letterman
"Some people say as often as once a week Bachmann is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she's perfectly fine." —Bill Maher
"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." --Conan O'Brien
"Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can't stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can't even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie." —Craig Ferguson
"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." —Craig Ferguson
"Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too." —Jay Leno
"Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail." —Jimmy Fallon
"I don't think Rupert Murdoch's guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology." —Jimmy Kimmel
"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." —Craig Ferguson
"President Obama is starting to get tough. He said he's reached his limit and he will not give in on his debt ceiling position even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold. 'We've got to save Obama's presidency.'" —Jay Leno
"Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat — a seat that will soon be repossessed." —Craig Ferguson
"We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?" —Jay Leno
"It's not, 'All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party.' It's, 'Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down.'" —Jon Stewart on Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations
"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." —Bill Maher
"In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a 'debt ceiling deal' for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, 'But if I can't have that — iPad.'" —Jimmy Fallon
"Last week in an interview with ABC News President Obama said he will turn 50 this week, but the truth is he turns 50 on August 4th. Do you know what that means? Apparently even he hasn't seen his real birth certificate." —Jay Leno
"President Obama's motorcade was fined $16 for traffic it caused while in the United Kingdom. Typical for Obama, he said, 'My grandkids will pay for it.'" —Jay Leno
"House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it." —Jimmy Fallon
"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." —Jay Leno
"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." —Jimmy Fallon
"Michele Bachmann signed pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn't read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don't have to sign anything so important they have to read it first." —Jay Leno
"Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for liberals don't like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they're crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn't care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it's not because they have breasts. It's because they are boobs." —Bill Maher
"And when I point out that Sarah Palin is a vainglorious braggart, a liar, a whiner, a professional victim...a know it all, a chiseler, a bully who sells patriotism like a pimp, and the leader of a strange family of inbred weirdoes straight out of The Hills Have Eyes, that's not sexist. I'm saying it because it's true, not because it's true of a woman." —Bill Maher
"Michele Bachmann proudly tells the story of how she has no desire to become a tax lawyer, but her husband commanded her to. That's right, he commanded her to become a tax lawyer, and what are you going to do. It says so right in the bible. She quotes it, 'wives you are to be submissive to your husbands,' and I'm the sexist? That's weird, but you know what's really weird? Michele Bachmann tells her husband I'll do anything you want me to do, and his response isn't let's have a three way or I want to cover you in Cool Whip. It's I want you to be a tax lawyer. That is some sick twisted sh*t." —Bill Maher
"Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the 'Green Mile' guy and just absorbing it all?" —Jon Stewart on Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann
"He's so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie.'" —Jon Stewart, struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann
"Of course I'd like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.'" —Jerry Seinfeld, playing Jon Stewart's Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show
More Late-Night Jokes:
• Best Jokes of 2011 (So Far)
• Latest Late-Night Jokes
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See Also:• Barack Obama Jokes
• GOP Candidate Jokes
• Sarah Palin Jokes
• Anthony Weiner Jokes
• Donald Trump Jokes
• Republican Jokes
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