Recent Jokes from the Late-Night Shows

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Read Current Late-Night Jokes

June 27, 2008

"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Conspicuously absent from the tour, Bill Clinton, who is said to be back home in New York ... drafting the world speech while wearing Rose McGowan's underwear on his head. I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

June 26, 2008

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman

"But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium, and of course Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some bird shot." --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, I think some of the justices, the Supreme Court justices, I think they may be gun owners. I had no idea. Clarence Thomas kept bragging about his weapon." --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about both candidates. For example, John McCain doesn't work on weekends. He spends his time at his ranch, the Casa Varicosa." --David Letterman

"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman

"Oh, on this day in 1963, JFK was in Germany and he said, 'Ich bin ein Berliner,' do you remember that? Do you remember seeing it? Ich bin ein Berliner, I am a Berliner. And I'm thinking about it, now it would be nice if we had a president who could speak English." --David Letterman

"This morning, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Wooo! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves. From each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections." --Stephen Colbert

"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the U.S. 'should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals']. Phooey. When it comes to the war on terror, Bush is no Neville Chamberlain, no weak-kneed, panty-waist English appeaser. He's Wilt Chamberlain, dominating the paint, running the give-and-go, telling the terrorists, no, not in my house!" --Jon Stewart

"So when North Korea, the cute one in the Axis of Evil, tried to put one over on us by giving up the details of their nuclear program, you can imagine our still-president stood strong [on screen: Bush announcing his intent to lessen restrictions on North Korea]. Mr. President, you're going to take the word of a madman? North Korea's no longer a part of the Axis of Evil? What the hell? There were three countries -- Iraq was already out of the Axis, North Korea's out, now it's, what, a Dot of Evil? Fixed Coordinate of Perfidy? ... I guess they're just being downgraded to a slightly less-menacing category. Let's see what we've got here [on screen: graphic showing new system of ranking dangerous countries, with categories like 'Contingent of Meanies,' 'League of Jerks' and 'Gaggle of Douchebags']. I'm going to go with 'Douchebag Gaggle.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

June 25, 2008

"I don't know if you know this, but John McCain now he's got a bandage on his head. Did you see that, John McCain? The poor guy, he's got a bandage on his head. Here's what happened. Apparently he tried to answer the iron." --David Letterman

"Here's good news -- Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

"You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one -- I was checking my presidential history -- he was not the first candidate to use the phrase 'Yes we can!' Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns." --David Letterman

"The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and in women and with young people, minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a great day for America, everybody, because the Democrats announced today there won't be any fried food at their convention. In other words, Al Gore won't be there." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there continues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon. I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill. Luckily, John McCain has the solution [on screen: McCain speech in which he says he'll give a $300 million prize to whomever can come up with a solution to the energy crisis]. Fabulous prizes! Who says McCain's campaign has no new ideas? They have the new idea of offering millions of dollars to people who actually have ideas. It's just the latest example of John McCain's brave fight to keep Americans awake while he talks" --Stephen Colbert

June 24, 2008

"Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she'll consider making him as her running mate." --David Letterman

"Well, you know, Barack Obama, he's started a fashion craze in Italy. Italian designers have taken his look, and they're turning it into fashion. It's an amazing thing. But don't sell John McCain short. He's also influencing fashion. He has popularized the 'something on your chin' look." --David Letterman

"Californians now driving across the border to get cheap gas in Mexico. Here's another tip. Instead of gas, try using Rite Aid vodka. Much cheaper, and about the same mileage." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton was in Canada this weekend. I guess he's thinking of running for president there. And on Friday, he was photographed holding hands with one of his wife's former campaign workers. Look at this. Clinton's spokesman released a statement saying there was, and is, nothing improper going on there. Not holding hands, her hand was just there to cover his erection and they snapped the photo." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. And it was a very awkward moment when they shook hands because McCain's hand broke off." --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough "green" energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough energy to stay up past nine o'clock." --Craig Ferguson

"Both McCain and Senator Barack Obama are trying to woo voters who are outside their natural demographic. In this election, for Senator Obama, that means trying to reach working class, non-Muslim white women who love America." --Jon Stewart

"Senator Obama also released his first national commercial, designed to answer the age-old question: How many real American buzz words does it take to convince swing states you're not elitist? [on screen: Obama's ad, with 'buzz words' highlighted]. Well done, Senator Obama. We also would have accepted guns, corn, and/or boobs." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

June 23, 2008

"John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering, and you know what they're bickering about? What to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. That's right. Obama wants to bring him to trial, but John McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas. And I said to myself, guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first? Let's do that." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama, I always thought of him as just a guy. But apparently now he's started a fashion trend. He's started a fashion trend, and Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said yeah, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters. That's what he wants." --David Letterman

"But it's also true of John McCain. He's inspired a new line of clothing, and I believe if you want some of the John McCain stuff, it's being sold at the Very Old Navy." --David Letterman

"And it makes me wonder, are we being a little superficial? Because Michelle Obama appears on 'The View' ... and people go crazy because they see the dress that she's wearing and they say, wow, I've got to have that dress. And if you look at 'The View' historically, they have always set fashion trends. No, it's true. As a matter of fact, you remember when Rosie O'Donnell was on 'The View?' Women all across the country were wearing tool belts" --David Letterman

"John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery. McCain can get a new type of battery invented because he's the guy that came up with the idea of not cranking the car up at the start." --Craig Ferguson

June 20, 2008

"I actually have a nice story about the presidential campaign. You hear a lot of negatives. ... John McCain's daughter is writing a children's book based on her father's life. Isn't that nice? Yeah, the children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. It was so hot, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"The CIA has a new theory -- they think they know where Osama Bin Laden is. They think that he's hiding in the mountainous regions of Pamela Anderson." --David Letterman

June 19, 2008

"Barack Obama announced today that he will not accept $85 million in public financing for his presidential campaign. I guess he's raising more money on his own, but passing on $85 million, that can't be easy. Just to give you a sense of how much money that is, here are some things you could buy with $85 million: you could buy 85 million items at the 99 cent store; $85 million could get you a whole summer's worth of gas for your SUV, or [for] $85 million you could buy Heather Mills." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush went to Iowa today. Really, what's the hurry? Don't want to make the Katrina people jealous. No, he wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods, or his presidency." --Jay Leno

"Actor Alec Baldwin, now he's always controversial. I like when he opens his mouth. Alec Baldwin told the New York Post he would 'do' Hillary. That's what he said. He said he would 'do' Hillary. Oh, and Bill told Alec flat out, he said, 'Hey, if you ever get back with Kim Basinger, maybe we could work something out.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is taking a a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? Think about this. You've been neglecting your job, trying to get a better job. You don't get that job. So, you take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of, and go on vacation. Huh? Imagine if you tried that with your boss. 'Hey, boss, listen. Boss, I'll tell you, I've been looking for another job. I am exhausted! I want to take a month off. Here's where you can send my check.' Let me know how that works out for you." --Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's wife, was on 'The View' yesterday, and she managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done. She got a word in edgewise. Did you notice? I've never seen that happen." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno

"We'll begin tonight with another look at an epidemic that is sweeping our nation. Baracknophobia, the irrational fear of hope, has now gotten so bad that it has infected Obama's own campaign. At a campaign event this week, Obama staffers shooed two women wearing head scarves away from a photo-op with the senator, for fear pictures would reinforce the false image he's Muslim, or, at the very least Muslim-adjascent. The move is no surprise if you look at his campaign posters closely [on screen: Obama campaign 'poster' saying 'Change that Muslimy looking thing on your head']. Surprised nobody had seen that before on the posters. Not the classiest move on the campaign's part, but understandable given the trouble that he's had with some previous photos. Of course, there was the one of him wearing traditional Kenyan garb [on screen: photo of Obama wearing the traditional Kenyan clothes]. Then there was the photo of him not putting his hand over his heart during the national anthem [on screen: said photo of Obama not putting his hand over his heart]. ... And of course, the now-infamous picture of Obama punching a baby. Now, don't judge lest ye be judged. That is an actual photo of him punching the baby, but nobody really knows what that baby said first. That baby could be a real dick." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

June 18, 2008

"In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, 'Please stop reminding everyone we're related. Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton in the news. This week, Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her website, but none of the pictures show Bill Clinton. Yeah. Bill said, 'That's okay, none of the websites I go to have pictures of Hillary.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. Yeah, when he heard about it, John McCain said, 'That's a good sign.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says that he will visit Iraq, or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia. ... Barack Obama announced this week he'll visit Iraq and Afghanistan before the election in November. He said he wants to see an area that's been overrun by violent extremists. So, sounds like he already misses his old church." --Jay Leno

"And former Vice President Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama. Have you seen Al Gore lately? I think his last endorsement was Stove Top stuffing, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"At the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, Al Gore endorsed Barack Obama, and a number of women fainted during Barack's speech. Not from the speech, it's just Al Gore turned the air conditioning down. You know, global warming." --Jay Leno

"Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table that thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he plans to publish a book once he leaves the White House. We have an advanced copy here. This won't be out till January. It's 'Iraq on $100 Million a Day.' It's a travel book." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, gay marriage now legal here in California. Well, you know who I feel sorry for now in Los Angeles? Single women. I mean, now all the good men are married and gay." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics. Last night, they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, 'Too close to call.'" --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain revealed his energy plan today. He wants to build 45 nuclear reactors. I think it's a good idea. We'll need that extra power to get him up and down the stairs." --Craig Ferguson

"Nation, it's no secret that one of John McCain's biggest challenges as a candidate is distinguishing himself from President Bush. I'm not sure why he's so eager to spurn the president's supporters. I mean, that's walking away from almost 29% of the American electorate, and nearly half of the Bush children [on screen: a photo of Jenna Bush, along with an article that suggests she may not vote Republican in the upcoming election]. But he's so different from Bush already. The only issues they agree on are education, immigration, Iraq, abortion, Supreme Court judges, Social Security, tax breaks for the wealthy, wire-tapping, trade, health care, the Middle East, same-sex marriage and Medicare." --Stephen Colbert

June 17, 2008

"Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom." --David Letterman

"Al Gore. Think about it. If he endorses you, you're getting an endorsement from a guy who has received an Academy Award, received a Grammy, and the Nobel Prize. Oh, and Gore also won a competitive eating contest." --David Letterman

"And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That's the way that's going to go down." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Yeah, they're going to be going to the same conference. Yeah, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who've Been Attacked by Hillary Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as 'beautiful' - and the honeymoon as 'horrifying.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Gay marriage now legal here in California. In fact, you hear who got married today in San Francisco? Rice and Roni. Yeah, finally got married." --Jay Leno

"It's already having a ripple effect, this gay marriage thing. In fact, since it was instituted yesterday, marriage proposals to Liza Minnelli have dropped 65 percent." --Jay Leno

"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno

"Well, you see, unlike Massachusetts, California has no residency requirement for marriage, so a lot of gays from out of state can come here and get married. In fact, if you're gay, and you can prove you're in the country illegally, they'll not only give you a gay marriage license, they'll give you a California driver's license." --Jay Leno

"And Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced he will happily perform gay weddings. And believe me, if you know our mayor, you know how seriously he takes those wedding vows." --Jay Leno

"And in political news, Barack Obama was endorsed by Al Gore at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit yesterday. I tell you something, you could feel the excitement in the room. It was unbelievable. And then Al Gore walked in." --Jay Leno

"And a New York congressman by the name of Anthony Weiner has introduced a bill to grant immigrant visas to supermodels that want to come here. See, this will clear up the problem of supermodels hanging out in front of Home Depot all day looking for work." --Jay Leno

"Hey, remember Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban boy that came here and then was sent back home? Well, he's now 14 years old and has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union, which is the second most popular organization for Cubans to join, after the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don't get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn't that supposed to be the chance to fix all this?" --Jay Leno

June 16, 2008

"Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman

"John McCain, listen to this, he is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. As a matter of fact, today he was campaigning in a pantsuit." --David Letterman

"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman

"President Bush is wrapping up his farewell tour of Europe. And you know, he is getting contemplative now. He is thinking that he will write his memoir, he wants to write a book, a presidential memoir. Unfortunately, the problem with the president writing his presidential memoir, I mean, I think before you write a book you have to have read one." --David Letterman

"He tells people the problem is he has writer's block. Writer's block. Of course he does, it's that thing between his ears. That's the writer's block." --David Letterman

"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of McCain, yesterday was Father's Day. John McCain said he made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. That's what he said. Yeah. Unfortunately, McCain's grandchildren couldn't make it 'cause they spent the day with their grandchildren. He's getting old." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican congressmen Ron Paul has finally decided to suspend his presidential campaign. Yeah, he decided a few days ago, yeah. Paul said, there comes a time when you realize that you have no chance to win, and that time was six months ago." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope. The irrational fear that behind the mild-mannered facade, Barack Obama is intent on enslaving the white race. It's true. Wake up, white people." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"The sickness manifests itself mostly through rumor often in the form of the only email your grandmother has been able to forward [on screen: reporters talking about "reprehensible rumors" surrounding Obama that have been spread via blogs and other online sources]. Even when it's cut and pasted? I've got it. Internet. Rumor. Bad. Mainstream media. Responsible. Good [on screen: pundits asking whether Obama is a secret Muslim, whether Michelle Obama called people 'whiteys' and whether Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrassa]. I think all those clips must be from that new cable show, 'S**t We are Unquestionably Reading Off the Internet' with your host, All of Us. ... If you think Baracknophobia is bad in America, you should see how bad it is in the greatest country on Earth, Sean Hannity's America [on screen: Hannity talking about Obama being sexist, Reverend Wright and Louis Farrakhan and asking who the 'real' Obama is]. ... For Hannity, this isn't limited to Barack, but all things Obama-ish [on screen: Hannity going after Michelle, asking why she sounds 'so bitter and angry']. And why won't she dance with me? Is she a lesbian?" --Jon Stewart

"Nation, last Friday, America lost one of the greats, Tim Russert. He was a man of great personal integrity and journalistic ethics, and yet his show was incredibly popular. I have no idea how he did it. I personally may not have been a big fan of the way he 'prepared' for interviews or treated guests fairly, but I always respected his ability to nail people. He could take your words and twist them in a way that held you accountable for the things you said. I personally have the honor to appear on 'Meet the Press' during my short run for president in South Carolina. I'm not going to say I was nervous. But this was the shirt I wore that day [on screen: Colbert holds up a shirt with large sweat stains on it]. I wish that were a joke. And I have to give credit to the master of the nail, he nailed me [on screen: Colbert's appearance on 'Meet the Press,' with Russert asking Colbert why he pronounces his name Col-behr, while his family pronounces it Col-bert. Russert also used 'Sesame Street' character Bert to illustrate his point about the pronunciation of Colbert's name]. This supposedly objective interview show was clearly brought to you by the letter 't.' Russert was a model journalist who brought dignity, credibility and joy to his work. He will be sorely missed" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

June 13, 2008

"The Lakers choked so badly, even crooked refs couldn't help them. ... But it's good news for Hillary Clinton. She will no longer be known as having the biggest collapse of the year. So that helps her." --Jay Leno

"There was a big power outage in DC this morning, the whole city. The good news is, Homeland Security says it was not terrorism. Whew! Luckily, it was just our lousy energy policy. So that's a relief." --Jay Leno

"And OPEC said, this week, it will call a meeting of its members to discuss what it calls unjustified oil prices. See, not to bring the price down. They just want to come up with a reason to justify it." --Jay Leno

"Now, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia says he wants to have this meeting. Now, you ever notice, when OPEC nations get together, there's always kings and sultans and crowned princes? See, that's where the term 'royally screwed' comes from." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited the Vatican this week and met with the pope. President Bush met with the pope. Again, you see, I don't think President Bush really studies up on these places before he goes to them. Like, as soon as he saw where the pope lived, he said, 'Hey, I like what the little lady has done with the place.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama took some time out from campaigning recently to go on a date with his wife. Yeah. And when Hillary Clinton heard about that, she said to Bill, 'Why can't you do something like that?' So, today, Bill asked Barack Obama's wife out on a date" --Jay Leno

June 12, 2008

"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said, yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien

"After dropping out of the race on Saturday, Hillary Clinton has been staying home, and has canceled all of her public appearances. As a result, Bill Clinton has had to cancel all of his private appearances." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, our President George W. Bush is traveling in Europe and he spent the last couple of days in Italy. He went to Venice, and he thought the streets were flooded. And he said don't worry, FEMA is on the way." --David Letterman

"Yeah, President Bush is in Italy. He is looking for tomato sauce of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"Well, another defeat for President Bush today. It seems that the Supreme Court ruled that detainees at Guantanamo Bay can file legal challenges to their detention. President Bush is very bitter about this. He said he may have lost, but it was a deeply divided Court that voted 5-4. It was 5-4. You know, the same vote that made him president -- 5-4." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times is reporting that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list, an enemies list of all of the people who are considered Clinton traitors. And ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each others' lists." --Jay Leno

"Hey, have you hear this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, 'My heart belongs to Barack Obama.' How about that, huh? Barack's not even president yet, still doing waaay better than Bill Clinton ever did." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama surprised a bunch of students in Chicago yesterday when he showed up unannounced at an eighth grade graduation. Gave a speech at the eighth grade graduation, pretty cool. Now, don't confuse that with President Bush's appearance last year at an eighth grade graduation. He was just there getting a diploma." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Europe. Again, you know, we like President Bush. I just don't think he has a real grasp of history. Did you see him in Berlin yesterday? He said, 'Am I crazy, or did there used to be a wall?'" --Jay Leno

"Yeah, and I guess President Bush is in Italy today. A little disappointed. Yeah, a little disappointed. For lunch, he said, he spent the whole day driving around, trying to find an Olive Garden. You know, the real Italian. All the breadsticks you can eat." --Jay Leno

"The Fox News Channel did a weird thing last night. There was a rumor going around that Michelle Obama used the word 'whitey' in front of a group of black church-goers, and it turned out not to be true. And of course, Obama supporters were upset about it, but when they did the story, look at the caption Fox used at the bottom of the screen here [on screen: Fox calls Michelle Obama Obama's 'baby mama']. Obama's baby mama. Now, I'm pretty sure that Michelle Obama is Barack's wife, not his baby mama. You have to wonder if they'd use that terminology if she was white. But Fox is fair and balanced. We know because they say it all the time [on screen: fake video of Fox 'calling' Cindy McCain 'Mac Daddy's Skeezy-Ass Trick']. A similar thing with John McCain's wife, Cindy" --Jimmy Kimmel

June 11, 2008

"Barack Obama has kind of a special email relationship with Scarlett Johansson, a beautiful, beautiful actress. They exchange emails, and that reminded me that I also have an internet relationship with Scarlett Johansson, but she doesn't know anything about it." --David Letterman

"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave a big speech today in Europe. He says he regrets giving the false impression that he is not a man of peace. But see, that's the problem. You start one or two little wars, and right away, oh everybody jumps to conclusions." --Jay Leno

"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there, huh?" --Jay Leno

"Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. And there's talk of Rue McClanahan." --Jay Leno

"And Hillary Clinton's camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. Passive-aggressively seeking it, yes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in Europe right now, on a tour of Germany, Italy, France, England, and several other countries that hate him. While he's gone, don't worry, America safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney, the White House terrier." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it's sort of like a farewell tour for the president, before he returns home to kick off his six month good riddance tour here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But meanwhile, the guy who might be replacing President Bush, Barack Obama, or, as I've been calling him around the office, Barry O, admits he is still struggling to quit smoking. You may remember when he announced that he was running for president, he vowed to give up cigarettes. But he admitted to reporters yesterday that he fell off the wagon a few months ago, and now his political opponents are trying to use that against him [on screen: fake video from McCain that says second-hand smoke kills, which means that Obama wants to kill us all by smoking]" --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's an old saying in Washington that the nastiest four-letter word in government is c**t. And you know that adage is as true today as it was when the saying was first etched on the side of the Jefferson Memorial. Now, you may be sitting there wondering, a) why you let the kids watch with you tonight, and b) why the dry history lesson, professor? Well, turns out that one of the gentlemen running for president has been accused of dropping the 'c' bomb while engaged in a heated debate on the floor of the living room of his own house. According to a new, unauthorized biography, 'The Real McCain,' one time, after his wife, Cindy, told him his hair didn't look good, Senator McCain responded, 'At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c**t.' ... Okay, seems a little harsh. But in his defense, Senator McCain's a Navy man. It's just salty Navy talk. He's not trying to hide. You've seen his campaign slogan: 'John McCain: Experience You C**ts Can Count On' [on screen: McCain standing in front of the green background, with that 'slogan' written behind him]. ... Is this story true? Who knows. But the important thing is, it's out there. Signaling that we have officially moved into the 'character assassination portion of our presidential campaigns." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"But who will stop Obama? Take these two former Clinton supporters and co-founders of 'Women for Fair Politics' [on screen: two Clinton supporters talking on Fox News about how they will support McCain because of the sexism that they say came from the Obama campaign during the primary]. Wow! So McCain has the 'blind spite vote' locked up. 'Because of sexism, we're going to go with C**t McPatriarch.' But Obama's problem isn't just sexism. He's also been charged with elitism [on screen: New York Times' David Brooks saying Obama wouldn't fit in at the Applebee's salad bar]. Can we really afford a commander-in-chief so unfamiliar with Applebee's that he won't know what to do in the event of a 3 a.m. triple-chocolate meltdown? You know why Barack Obama wouldn't fit in at an Applebee's salad bar? Because Applebee's doesn't have salad bars." --Jon Stewart

"But clearly David Brooks is a man of the people, who knows Barack Obama would never fit in at an Applebee's salad bar, or the McDonald's beer garden, or a Wal-Mart observatory. Not only is Obama too elitist, he's also too radical, as evidenced by this revolutionary gesture [on screen: Fox News coverage of the Obama fist bump calling it a 'terrorist fist jab']. A gang sign? An obscene gesture? A sideways black power salute? A cannibal hand shake? A communist aloha? OF course, that's all hyperbole. The truth of what they were really doing is even more horrible. The move was done to crush someone's tiny, adorable grandmother who just baked a delicious apple and kitten pie." --Jon Stewart

June 10, 2008

"Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are, 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential.' That's what he said, yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's considering various candidates to be his vice president. He's paying special attention to people who have a military background. Yeah, experts say Hillary Clinton still has a shot, since she reached the rank of major ballbuster." --Conan O'Brien

"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, I'll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. $5 a gallon. The other 86% think we'll see it by the end of the week." --Jay Leno

"You know, I don't want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes KY Jelly." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced they will call a meeting of all the OPEC nations and promised to crack down on the high gas prices. Well, let's hope it's as successful as the Saudi crackdown on terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, as you know, Hillary Clinton conceded. ... Well, you know what's interesting? There were signs. You know, just before Hillary spoke on Saturday, you know, there was a sure sign that her campaign had ended. Anybody notice it? Did you notice? Bill brought a date." --Jay Leno

"Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million dollars on her campaign for the nomination. $212 million. Think about that. The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second were the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? I think Hillary may secretly be glad that this whole thing is over. 'Cause now she can go back to doing what she loves the most: huntin', drinkin' whiskey, shootin', get back to her roots, as we saw. Well, the good news is Hillary is on Barack Obama's list for potential vice presidents. Yeah. The bad news, she's just a little bit below the Reverend Wright." --Jay Leno

"But I thought Hillary was very gracious. She gave a terrific speech. She was very gracious to Barack Obama in her speech. Gave him her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes. Did you see that? Well, imagine, beautiful, fresh tomatoes." --Jay Leno

"Well, Barack Obama took the weekend off from campaigning. He said on Saturday night he went on a date with his wife, Michelle. They went on a date. The nice thing is they can stay out late on Saturday nights, without having to worry about getting up to go to church anymore." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama spoke with John McCain on the phone. I don't want to say McCain is getting old, but halfway through the conversation, McCain said to Barack, 'Can you put your mommy on?'" --Jay Leno

"In his new blog -- you know, he's got a blog. McCain has a blog now. He announced he is a huge ABBA fan. ABBA! Well, that will bring in the young voters, huh? Come on, who isn't ABBA-crazy these days?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new slogan. 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' That's a good slogan. Don't confuse that with President Bush's slogan, 'We Can't Believe He's Our Leader.'" --Jay Leno

"And you may have heard, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is being called a hero. He saved a man's life over the weekend, really, by performing the Heimlich maneuver. Saved a man from choking. And in a related story, Senator Larry Craig performed the Heimlich maneuver on three men, none of whom were choking" --Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain gave a speech this morning to small business leaders. I don't like to give my opinions when it comes to politics, because I don't know much more than anybody else does, but I want to say right now if John McCain really is planning to do what he indicated he would do today, I will do everything in my power to stop him from getting to the White House (on screen: video of McCain's speech, in which he says he will veto beer, instead of 'bill with earmarks']. You heard what he said. He's going to veto all our beer! You keep your vetoes off my beer, old man. I swear to God, I'll do something stupid. Doesn't seem like a way to get elected, though, does it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

June 9, 2008

"Hey, did you all see Hillary's concession speech over the weekend? Very good. She gave a lovely, lovely speech. She was gracious, very complimentary. And she said she wanted Barack Obama to win, and then she hugged her husband, Bill. Then the Secret Service grabbed her, threw her to the ground and said, 'What have you done with the real Senator Clinton? Who are you?'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama took time off this weekend from campaigning to spend time with his family. In fact, he said on Saturday night, he was going on a date with his wife. A date with his wife, Michelle. When Bill Clinton heard that, he said to Hillary, 'We need to stay away from these people. They're freaks!'" --Jay Leno

"Now, Hillary Clinton's campaign ... has said today, she is not actively seeking the vice-presidential nomination. Not actively seeking it, even though she is the most qualified and would be ready on day one!" --Jay Leno

"As you know, last week, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a secret, late-night meeting. They had a secret, late-night meeting in Washington, DC. One kind of embarrassing moment, as Hillary was sneaking out of the house to go to the meeting, she bumped into Bill, who was sneaking back in from a secret meeting of his own." --Jay Leno

"And John Edwards says he has ruled out running for vice president. Not because he doesn't consider it an honor. He just doesn't want to move into a smaller house." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain has a new slogan. Have you heard his new slogan? 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' See, that's a lot better than his old slogan. [Jay, wheezing]: 'I'll be okay. Give me a minute!'" --Jay Leno

"And former presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee is being called a hero, a hero. Did you hear about this? After he saved a man's life over the weekend by performing the Heimlich maneuver. He saved a man from choking. In fact, the Lakers have a call in to him right now. They're trying to get him on staff!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, true story, Barack Obama took a break from the campaign to take his family on a bike ride. It's nice. Meanwhile, John McCain took his family for a ride on his Rascal scooter." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a rumor -- this is true -- that if Barack Obama is elected president, he might appoint Bill Clinton to the Supreme Court. That's the rumor right now, yeah. Yeah, which is good, because the one woman Hillary doesn't mind Bill hanging out with is Ruth Bader Ginsburg." --Conan O'Brien

June 6, 2008

"A big question people are asking Hillary Clinton: what is she going to do next? Where will she go? Where will she end up? Is she going to retire? I'm sorry, that's what they keep asking me. I'm sorry, I forgot." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede tomorrow. And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, the talk is that Hillary Clinton is going to try and help unite the party. She's going to unite the party. But today Bill Clinton says, according to his experience, the party is usually over whenever Hillary shows up." --Jay Leno

"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno

"And Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a secret meeting last night at Senator Dianne Feinstein's house. Feinstein said they sat in two comfortable chairs facing one another. And she also had a reclining Barcalounger and a blanket in case McCain showed up. So that was nice." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the Wall Street Journal, a lot of Republicans are very excited about the idea of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal for McCain's running mate. Do you know about this guy? Interesting, interesting guy. He's a child of immigrants from India. His parents came from India, and he can bring youth to the ticket. And of course, McCain's excited because he wants to learn how to use email." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman

"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, political experts are saying that Barack Obama is hesitant to name Hillary Clinton as his running mate, because he's not sure what role Bill Clinton would want to play. Yeah. Bill says he's comfortable playing many roles, like boss interviewing secretary, or pizza guy surprising housewife. He doesn't care." --Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is set to enjoy his first weekend as the Democratic nominee for president. He and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting last night in Washington, DC. ... One of the topics they are rumored to have discussed is Hillary's $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that, but she's still going to be on the hook for most of it. Today, she outlined a broad-based plan for recouping that money. Her plan is to marry, and then divorce, Paul McCartney." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, after Hillary's meeting with Barack, Bill Clinton is now saying it's only fair he have a private meeting with Michelle Obama and Salma Hayek." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel

June 5, 2008

"Hillary Clinton, you know, has announced that she will be officially ending her campaign on Saturday. She's going to wait 'til Saturday because tomorrow is the Honduras primary." --David Letterman

"But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Hillary doesn't get it. I'm thinking is it possible she doesn't get it. She's now saying that she still has a shot at the Republican nomination." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it's sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's camp said she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. And then her pantsuit caught on fire." --Jay Leno

"Political analysts say that Barack Obama's immediate concern should be to mend the relations with Hillary's millions of women supporters who are upset that, of course, she is not the nominee. And today, he offered them health care and free tickets to 'Sex and the City.'" --Jay Leno

"I think it's finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn't get it. Like, today she went down to Ikea, because I think she realizes this is the only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet." --Jay Leno

"According to the National Intelligence director, only 30% of Afghanistan and its borders are under control by the government. Only 30%. Which sounds bad, until you realize only 20% of California borders are under control." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama clinched the Democratic presidential nomination this week. And it's been reported that Hillary Clinton is going to concede on Saturday. That's right. Yeah, that's Saturday, December 15th, 2017. That's the current plan." --Conan O'Brien

"And here's the latest. Hillary Clinton announced the news to her supporters, that she's gonna concede by sending them an email at 2:00 in the morning. That's true. Hillary's supporters were shocked, because usually the only person on the Internet at 2:00 a.m. is Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain said that he's in favor of change. That's what he said. McCain said, 'For example, I just switched from Cialis to Viagra.' A real change. Very nicely done." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is supposedly set to concede the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. A spokesman for the Clinton campaign today said, anybody need a spokesman? So yesterday they were saying that she would quit on Friday. Now the word is she won't quit until Saturday. And she hasn't yet ruled out jumping back into this thing on Sunday." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Any way you slice it, the message is pretty clear, and that is, Oprah wins again. Oprah wanted Obama. And now Obama is in the difficult position to decide which of these two very powerful women will be at his side in the race for the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama won the Democratic nomination in part thanks to high turnout among black voters. But now in the general election, he's going to have to get more whites to vote for him. There is a perception among mostly older Americans that Obama might be anti-white, which is kind of ridiculous. People forget the guy's mother is as white as an Osmond." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman presents the Top Ten Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application: #9: "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"

June 4, 2008

"Folks, this is it. Final clearance. All Hillary Clinton jokes must go tonight. Everything must go." --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, who secured enough delegates last night to get the nomination. Congratulations to him. Hey, Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there's still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she's going to offer it to Barack one last time." --Jay Leno

"So that's the big question on everybody's mind. What does Hillary want? Of course, the bigger question is, who's going to tell her she can't get it?" --Jay Leno

"Well, according to sources in Hillary's camp, Hillary Clinton says she is open to being Barack Obama's running mate. Here's my question: How can she ask him for a job when she won't admit he's the guy that's going to be doing the hiring?" --Jay Leno

"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama reportedly tried to call Hillary Clinton twice last night, and got her voice mail both times. Got her voice mail. Doesn't that sound like a bad breakup? 'I tried to call her, she wouldn't pick up.' Apparently, Hillary only answers the phone at 3:00 a.m." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama also tried to call John McCain, but McCain had the TV up so loud, he couldn't hear." --Jay Leno

"Now that Barack Obama's going to be the nominee, it shows you how far we've come in this country. Think about this. When a black man named Barack Obama has just as good a chance to blow a sure thing election for the Democrats as white guys like John Kerry and Al Gore, that is progress." --Jay Leno

"And Bill Clinton is lashing out at the writer of a 'Vanity Fair' article that came out this week. Did you hear about this? You know the one that accuses him of numerous affairs? Where do they get this crazy stuff? Anyway, Clinton called the writer, and I quote, a sleazy, dishonest, slimy scumbag. Scumbag, which surprised a lot of people. Normally you don't hear Bill Clinton talk like that. Oh, sure, you hear Hillary talk like that to Bill." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and in his speech last night, John McCain said we must get off of fossil fuels. See, that's why a lot of people admire McCain. That's why he's considered such a maverick. Here you have a fossil, coming out against fossil fuel." --Jay Leno

"What a day here in New York City - the weather, it's 71 and hazy, kind of like John McCain." --David Letterman

"It's 67 and gloomy, like Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman

"The Democratic primary is over. Who wants to tell Hillary? Hillary lost, and she said today, I'm not going anywhere, I've already purchased my inaugural pantsuit." --David Letterman

"So she's here to stay. Hillary is taking it pretty well, I think. She actually said she's looking forward to spending more time with Chelsea, Bill, and Gina Gershon." --David Letterman

"But, you know, people are now talking about the ticket, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Would that be a good ticket? Would you folks like that ticket? And I think this would be the first, if you think about it, first combination of an African American man and a white woman since, well, Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Hey, are you folks like me? Do you like drama in outer space? Well, maybe you know about this - the International Space Station, and there's Russian cosmonauts up there right now, and for the last month, the toilet has been busted. Yeah, you're laughing now, and just about now, people down in Houston are on the horn, talking to the Space Station saying, 'Did you jiggle the handle? Try jiggling the handle.' But don't worry about this: Halliburton is sending up a $2 billion plunger." --David Letterman

"There's no denying it, last night was truly historic. For the first time in the history of American politics, John McCain stayed up past 7:00 p.m. At McCain's rally, well over a dozen people electrified the atmosphere. After the third chant, they forgot his name" --Stephen Colbert

"Before we even get started, Barack Obama, of course, wrapped up the nomination last night. That's the big story. And now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien

"There's been a lot of speculation about John McCain's possible running mate. Experts say he wants someone who's not afraid to attack Barack Obama. That's who he's looking for, yeah. Which explains why McCain has decided to pick Hillary Clinton" --Conan O'Brien

"The big news today is that Democrats finally seem to be in agreement that Barack is the Obama-nee." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton will concede the race on Friday, which should make for a fun weekend for Bill." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You have to hand it to Bill Clinton, though, because he says no matter what she decides, he said he's 100% behind Hillary. Duff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, everyone is wondering now if Obama will ask Hillary to be his running mate. Obama actually tried to call her last night, and got her voicemail twice. I guess she only takes calls at 3:00 a.m. It was also probably hard to hear the phone over the sound of over her husband weeping." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've often heard the phrase 'all good things must come to an end.' But very rarely do you hear the phrase that f***ing tedious things must also end. And last night, after the 53rd and 54th episodes of the long-running Bataan Death March to the White House, we finally reached our conclusion [on screen: news coverage of Obama being named the presumptive Dem nominee]. And so it is that Barack Hussein Napoleon Pol Pot Obama now has a chance to become the first African-American president since season 1 of 24 [on screen: photo of Dennis Haysbert playing David Palmer of '24']. Oh, Dennis Haysbert." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Congratulations to Senator Obama. Obviously, there's the issue, though, of his opponent's concession [on screen: Clinton speaking 6/3 and saying she won't make a decision that night]. Yeah. I'm not sure you're understanding this whole election thing. ... This isn't a nuclear launch where both people have to turn the key." --Jon Stewart

"Senator, last night wasn't really about you! But I'm sure that that sentiment will eventually be reflected in your remarks [on screen: a montage of Clinton's 6/3 remarks in which she talks about herself and not Obama]. But enough about my Hillary Clinton web site. What does your website say about me? [on screen: Clinton talking about how pundits said she was out of the race long ago]. Boooo! Nay sayers, always with their saying of nay. Those pundits never gave you a chance, ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Roll track tape [on screen: montage of pundits talking in 2007, saying Clinton is absolutely going to be the Democratic nominee]. News pundits. They're like the dopplerless weathermen of our times." --Jon Stewart

"Big news. Last night, the Democrats held their final two primaries, and after the dust settled, one thing was clear: Barack Obama is the presumptive nominee, and Hillary Clinton is going all the way to the White House! You know what, folks? I gotta to say, I admire Hillary. Instead of conceding, the senator used last night to connect with her supporters [on screen: clip from Clinton's 6/3 speech in which she urged her supporters to go to her website and comment on what she should do going forward]. Well, I am certainly not one to pass up an invitation to share my opinion. ... Let's see here, let's see. 'Dear Hillary. Do not stop until all is blood and ash. Become death destroyer of world. Stay strong. Stephen.'" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

David Letterman presents the Top Ten Things Overheard At Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters. #7: "So they're nominating the guy with the most delegates, superdelegates, and states won? Outrageous!"

June 3, 2008

"The good news: the whole voting process ended tonight. It's all over as of tonight. The bad news: the 2012 Democratic primary starts on Thursday." --Jay Leno

"Looks like Barack Obama has won the nomination. Congratulations. And Hillary Clinton is about to drop out. She has not dropped out officially. That means Bill Clinton's about to hear those three words he's been dreading: 'Honey, I'm home!'" --Jay Leno

"You know, I think Bill Clinton's starting to lose it. Today, he responded to a Vanity Fair article suggesting he'd become angrier, by calling the reporter a sleazy, slimy, dishonest scumbag. He's the president, and he called the guy a scumbag. Well, that should nip those anger accusations in the bud, huh?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has been taking high-speed driving lessons at the Bob Bondurant Driving School in Phoenix. High-speed driving. Well, that's important. When you're married to a guy as old as McCain, you have to know how to drive an ambulance." --Jay Leno

"And former White House press spokesman Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. And while in Utah, President Bush told an audience he has not read McClellan's book. He doesn't plan to read it. It's nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle. It's a book. It's got big words, and not a lot of pictures." --Jay Leno

"And Dick Cheney has apologized to the people of West Virginia for making a joke about inbreeding at their expense. But see, I don't think Cheney gets it. In fact, today, while trying to apologize, he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky" --Jay Leno

"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman

"Hot today here in New York City. Hot also in Washington. It was so hot today that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself." --David Letterman

"You remember a guy named Al Gore? Does that name ring a bell? He was vice president with Bubba for like two terms, eight years. And then he went out and produced that film, the documentary. He had the book and the film 'An Inconvenient Truth,' you know, about the environment and climate change. Won an Academy Award. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. They're turning that, some people in Italy, are turning 'The Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Are you like me? The first time you saw that movie, you said to yourself, boy, this would be great, if only had it songs? I mean, wow." --David Letterman

"Hillary may be dropping out of the campaign, and the campaign is broke. Don't kid yourselves. They've spent a lot of money there. So broke today, Hillary was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit. Yeah. Campaign is so broke that a collection agency repo-ed all her pantsuits. Hillary is desperate to raise money. Today she entered a wet pantsuit contest. Hillary is nothing if not an optimist. She sees that the pantsuit is half full. And you know, when Hillary was campaigning in Puerto Rico she was wearing a skimpy, two-piece pantsuit. Come on! Don't leave me now. We haven't even made a dent in these. When Hillary was campaigning in Wisconsin, she was wearing a cheese pantsuit. When Hillary was campaigning in Texas, she was wearing a pantsuit with chaps. When Hillary was campaigning in Florida, it was so hot, she was wearing her pantsuit without the pants." --David Letterman

"The Associated Press reported today that Barack Obama has won enough delegates to clinch the Democratic presidential nomination. That's what they say. As a result, Hillary Clinton will concede sometime in the next 30 years." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird, a new article in Vanity Fair magazine hints that former President Bill Clinton may have had an affair with actress Gina Gershon. Yeah. Yeah, the Vanity Fair article also hints that John McCain may have had an affair with Estelle Getty. ... Let's hope they didn't videotape that" --Conan O'Brien

"It looks like we have a Democratic nominee for president. I think. I'm still not sure. They had the final two primaries in South Dakota and Montana today and it looks like Barack Obama has enough delegates to be the nominee. And now Hillary Clinton is indicating privately to friends, who then blab it to the cable news channels, that she would be open to vice presidency. Which is really great news for Bill Clinton, who desperately wants the apartment in New York to himself for the next four and a half years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So that would mean the chain of command, I mean this is historic, would be Hillary as vice president, Obama as president, and then Oprah on top of them. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a new Vanity Fair article coming out that insinuates, among other things, that he has been canoodling with actress Gina Gershon. Clinton lashed out at the reporter who wrote the story. I guess he's furious about this accusation, in particular, with Gina Gershon, because now he's gonna have to explain it to Megan Fox." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The article also quotes Clinton insiders who claim his personality has changed after he had surgery in 2004, which, I mean, whose personality doesn't change after penis enlargement?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some other political news, 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, the longest serving senator in American history, was hospitalized yesterday for a mild infection that they say was causing lethargy and sluggishness. ... They pinpointed the problem, and it turns out he's been dead for more than 22 years" --Jimmy Kimmel

June 2, 2008

"Let's talk about the presidential Democratic primary. Over the weekend, I guess you know this, Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rican primary. Yeah, and you know what that means? Now she is president of Puerto Rico." --David Letterman

"Hillary now says that she is winning the popular vote. And Al Gore said yeah, well, a lot of good that does." --David Letterman

"Sad news from the world of fashion, famous designer Yves Saint Laurent passed away, were you aware of that? Yup. And today Hillary Clinton, out of respect, wore her pantsuit at half-mast." --David Letterman

"In his new book, President Bush's former press secretary said that Bush has a lack of inquisitiveness. Yeah. When he heard this, Bush said, 'I don't know what he's saying, and I don't care.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of President Bush, yesterday -- this is true -- during a speech, President Bush said that his economic stimulus package is working, because when people use extra money to buy a machine, that creates jobs at 'the machine-making place.' Yeah. Then Bush introduced his new speech writer, a 6-year-old boy named Timmy." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like the Democrats finally solved their delegate problem. It seems the Democratic Party rules panel agreed to allow delegates from Florida and Michigan to take part in the convention, but each delegate will only count as half a vote. You've heard of superdelegates? These are the new fun-sized delegates." --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to Hillary Clinton, who won the Democratic primary in Puerto Rico. This is important because, as you know, Puerto Rico has absolutely no vote for president. Hello?! Yeah, great. I think she also won big in Guatemala." --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, Barack Obama left his church. And after, he said to Hillary, 'O.K., now it's your turn to quit something.'" --Jay Leno

"No, Barack Obama says he's now looking for a new church, preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain, as you know, has released all his medical records. All indications are McCain is in very good health. But of course, they're still waiting for that report from the coroner." --Jay Leno

"No, they say McCain does take some medication, including Ambien to help him sleep. But they said he could eliminate the sleeping pills if he picks Mitt Romney as vice president." --Jay Leno

"No, McCain's doctor said Senator McCain is decades younger than his age. But then, so is President Bush, who is, what, in his early 60s? But he has the mind of a 12-year-old." --Jay Leno

David Letterman presents the Top Ten Revelations in the Scott McClellan Book. #4: "Each time McClellan lied about Iraq, Bush gave him a barrel of oil"

May 28, 2008

"Yesterday we were talking about John McCain's recently released medical records. 1,200 pages covering all the diseases he's had in the last eight years from A to Z. From acute oldness to Zabar's elbow. That's a repetitive motion injury, caused by excessive shmearing. ... Fair is fair, so today, Barack Obama released his medical records detailing the last 21 years, and this is them, I kid you not [on screen: Stewart holds up one sheet of paper]. A one-page letter from Obama's doctor stating that the senator -- and it is to whom it may concern -- [is quote] in excellent health and, continuing quote, on physical compassion his blood pressure was 90 over 60, pulse 60 beats per minute, his build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. His chest was smooth and hard like the hood of a Mustang. As I watched the dewy beads of moisture glisten on his corrugated stomach, I was thankful this was my last appointment of the day. With trembling hands, I held up his urine sample to the light. There was sedimentation. Anyway, it ends there. My point is, come on. What is he, Achilles, for God's sake? He's got a problem in his heel, that's all I could find." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"As for still-President Bush, he's continuing to sprint to the finish. He gave what would be his final address to a graduating class of a service academy at the Academy of the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. How did he handle the occasion? Oh, great, chest bump. Great, that's great, just great [on screen: photo of Bush chest-bumping an Air Force Academy graduate]. When I see the president do the chest bump, I cannot help but think that if he hadn't been f***ing things up for the past seven years, and was goofing around like this, would we love him? Would we be like, he is irrepressible. What a scamp. Or does the whole doing-that-while-Rome-is-burning aspect of his presidency sour us on his exuberance?" --Jon Stewart

"But here's how I explain it. Come with me on the journey, if you will. Imagine that we had never gone into Iraq, that this president had taken immediate and effective action on Katrina, gas was like 99 cents for low-test, and Cheney had never been born. Just imagine that. And then look at these pictures. Look, hey, it's president doing the Heisman, a little ring a ding ding, oh, kiss, kiss, blow, blow, and of course, the old power flick [on screen: montage of photos of Bush at the graduation]. ... But of course, he did f*** things up. So it all just seems asinine." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Nation, yesterday, Democratic party lawyers found that Michigan and Florida must forfeit at least half their delegates for breaking DNC rules and holding primaries early. Michigan responded by changing its shape from a mitten to a angry mitten [on screen: a doctored map of Michigan with a 'middle finger' at the top], while Florida just became limper [on screen: a doctored map of Florida, with the tip of the state drooping to the left]. The decision sets the stage for more Democratic chaos. ... This Saturday, the Rules and Bylaws Committee of the Democratic National Committee -- it is a committee of the committee -- will decide what to do about the Florida and Michigan primaries. As you may recall, all the frontrunners agreed not to campaign in those states, and all of them pulled their names from the Michigan ballot, except for Hillary Clinton. Then, huge surprise, Hillary won Michigan! Not, of course, [that] it would ever count [on screen: audio of Clinton saying Florida and Michigan votes won't be counted]. Then, 23 states later and trailing Obama, Clinton added [on screen: audio of Clinton saying the Democratic Party must count the Florida and Michigan votes]. Now, some say this is inconsistent. But I say she's being remarkably consistent in saying whatever it takes to win." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

Note: the rest of the late-night shows were in re-runs

May 28, 2008

Jon Stewart, on the release of John McCain's medical records: "1,200 pages. And here's the amazing part: It only covered the last eight years. 150 pages a year. I am hoping that that is a font issue [on screen: pages shown with one word on each, in very large font]. What would a 1,200-page document be without totally unnecessary draconian parameters? First, the records were made available for three hours, and could not be taken out of the room. Second, no internet or cell phones were allowed. Third, if you left the room for anything but a bathroom break, you were not allowed to return. And fourth, well, I think that's entirely reasonable [on screen: rule #4: No Masturbating]. I think that, actually, that one was necessary. I'm looking at you, Brit Hume. So what did they find? [on screen: explanation of McCain's various maladies, including kidney stones and high blood pressure]. Yeah. Two small kidney stones. Fairly common malady. No big deal ... There's a montage coming, isn't there? [on screen: montage of different reports saying McCain has had various types of skin cancer and other issues]. Chin herpes. Dry heart. Swimmer's thumb. Inflammation of the rickets. Something called John McCain's Disease. Root fungus, which is apparently more common to trees. But still! That's what they found in three hours. Imagine if they'd had four. Well, I think with all this information we can make a diagnosis [on screen: reporters saying McCain is "fit as a fiddle" and is "in really good health." One reporter also asks whether 71 is the "new 30"]. I guess that makes dead the new 50."

Jon Stewart: "By the way I mention one thing because John McCain is someone I know, someone I respect. I don't usually like to bring personal feelings and let them interfere with my fake journalistic feelings. But a dermatologist was quoted in a report as saying John McCain's, quote, '...buttocks are unremarkable, except for some very light tan freckling.' ... But I need to address this idea, this fallacy, this lie, that John McCain's ass is unremarkable. We have had him on our show over a dozen times. You watch the senator walk out to sit down, but when the interview is over, I have the distinct pleasure of watching this man leave. ... You want to know how remarkable John McCain's buttocks are? When he does the show, we don't even have a warm-up guy to get the audience going. McCain just goes out there and does his ... thing." (Watch video clip)

Note: the rest of the late-night shows were in re-runs

May 27, 2008

"We're gonna start off with a little something from still-President Bush. Although, this is him not misspeaking during a Memorial Day ceremony [on screen: video of Bush saying those in the military are 'awesome']. They are awesome! He didn't f--- that up at all! They do inspire awe. He is correct. Now, you'll recall, recently on the program we showed the president using that word less than appropriately [on screen: video of Bush telling Pope Benedict he gave an 'awesome speech']. In Bush's defense, the pope's speech was the shiznit! I mean, seriously, the pope was totally high when he gave that speech. Had a belly full of Funyuns and he still nailed it. But in the past couple of months, awesome for the president is the new [thing] [on screen: Bush using the word 'awesome' in many different contexts. The montages ends with a clip of Bush saying 'awesome' is now a presidential word]. It didn't used to be. Previously, it was used primarily to describe, you know, skateboarding. Or pizza. Or dog on a skateboard eating a pizza. That would be awesome." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"The Clintons. Simple people who want but one thing -- to live peacefully in a country they, themselves, run. It had been that way once. In a time called the 90's. But by the turn of the century, these proud people had been forced from their home by a combination of constitutional necessity, a male libido that can only be described as Sheen-esque, and [on screen: video of Hillary Clinton talking about the 'vast right-wing conspiracy']. Well, now it appears the Clinton effort to return to their ancestral home has galvanized a new enemy. No, not the American voter who has rejected them by almost all measurable standards and metrics, but [on screen: video of Bill Clinton talking about the 'frantic effort' to push Hillary out of the race, and that she is winning the general election]. Oh, the media! And the Democratic party is covering up Senator Clinton's victory. It is a vast left-wing conspiracy. Oh my God, they're being attacked by both wings. My God, this conspiracy is bi-wing-ual! ... Although to me, the real news here is that apparently Bill Clinton believes his wife is winning the general election. Which, as you may know, has not occurred yet. It's their final appeal to the coveted time machine demographic" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"You know who did not get a break last week? John McCain. Who took a lot of heat over his endorsement from two controversial preachers, Rod Parsley and John Hagee. Now, I'm not a big fan of Reverend Hagee. He lost me when he called the Catholic church the 'apostate church' and 'the great whore.' I've got no problem with the apostate part, because I don't know what that word means. But the great whore? You're talking about a religion that is against condoms and the pill. We would be terrible whores. Unless you're into pregnant whores, in which case, shame on you." --Stephen Colbert

"Now at first, it looked like McCain was gonna stand by his man, until footage surfaced of a Hagee sermon about the Holocaust and it went a little something like this [on screen: audio clip of Hagee's sermon, in which he said God allowed the Holocaust to happen as a warning to the Jews to come back to Israel]. That is right. God used the Holocaust to send the Jews a message. Remember, this was before Evites. So last week, John McCain rejected Hagee's endorsement, saying 'When someone endorses me, that does not mean that I embrace their views.' True, McCain quoted Hagee's endorsements not because he believed what Hagee believed, but because he believed something much more important. It would get him votes. It's called faith." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"Last week, the California Supreme Court handed down a ruling legalizing gay marriage. Now, many are shocked and outraged. I get the outrage. But shocked? That California is pro-gay? I assume these are the same people who were shocked when Elton John finally came out, even though he had been wearing fuchsia sun goggles with windshield wipers for years. The argument over gay marriage rages on. And I think I have a solution. If gay or lesbian couples want to get married, one of you just say you are a man, and the other just say you're a woman. You won't have to change your name, or the way you dress. We'll take your word for it. No one will ask you to drop trou and whip it out, okay? That's illegal. I know that for a fact" --Stephen Colbert

Note: the rest of the late-night shows were in re-runs

May 23, 2008

"Yesterday, Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there" --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, a lot of people now are starting to talk about who Barack Obama will choose as his running mate. That's now what everyone's discussing. This is the latest, folks, true story. Time magazine says that former President Bill Clinton is pushing very hard for Barack Obama to choose Hillary as his vice president. Yeah. Yeah, Bill says Hillary would be a great vice president, or a great ambassador to any country that's far, far away." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of McCain's medical records, John McCain's doctor says that McCain's service in the Vietnam War is unlikely to have any affect on his health. I think that's great. Yeah. However, the doctor says that McCain's health might be affected by his service in the Civil War. ... A slight musket wound in the toe." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain today made public his medical records. It was a huge document, almost 1,200 pages long. More than 84 pages on his ear hair alone. ... I guess somebody went through it. He's in great shape. Doctors say he could potentially live all the way through 2010. So that's good news." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, good news for John McCain. He announced this week he had his best fundraising month ever. $18.5 million. That, plus what he gets from Social Security, so that works out." --Jay Leno

"I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. The candidates are very excited to go. They say the only downside -- they hate it when he keeps pushing that bowl of ribbon candy on them. 'Try the butterscotch.'" --Jay Leno

"The only other uncomfortable thing about McCain's household is plastic on the furniture." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, on the news, they stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration?" --Jay Leno

"And McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he's healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God!" --Jay Leno

"And when speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, 'It is time to take back the country.' The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. And two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"According to the financial forms, President Bush has actually lost money while he's been in the White House. But he says he will get it all back and much more, once the Nigerian businessman he's dealing with on the internet transfers the money into his account" --Jay Leno

"47 years ago this weekend, John Kennedy pledged to put a man on the moon. 47 Years ago. ... That's right. And not to be outdone, earlier today, President Bush pledged to put a man on Condoleezza Rice" --David Letterman|

May 22, 2008

"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno

"You know the difference between 'American Idol' and the Democratic primaries? See, they count the votes on 'American Idol' from Florida and Michigan." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno

"They say what's driving up the price of oil is a belief in the futures market that there will be a shortage in five years. Okay, so raise the price in five years!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it 'a contest of the past versus the future.' How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? Are you sick of it? The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain's medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton had a campaign rally in Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday. Afterwards, 30% of the people said they liked Hillary's speech. The other 70% said, it was good to see Florence Henderson again." --Jay Leno

"According to his tax returns, President Bush is not as wealthy now as he was when first became president. Wow! ... How much did that wedding cost last week?" --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush was recently married. I understand, as his wedding gift to the couple, President Bush gave them two $600 stimulus checks." --Jay Leno

"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman

"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

May 21, 2008

"While campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. It's true. Yeah, then she picked up a newspaper and said, 'Holy crap, I got to drop out of this race.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." --Conan O'Brien

"While Barack Obama was visiting the Indian reservation, this is also true, the chief gave him the Indian name 'Black Eagle.' Then the chief admitted that his Indian name is 'Big Chief Lazy Nicknamer.' 'Black Eagle, I don't know! Don't ask me how I came up with that!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, the Democratic primaries are almost over. Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. ... Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana's black voters, but they both moved to Idaho." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, last night, the Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. Do you know what that means? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. You know, this election is like a bad NBC show. You can't believe it's still on the air." --Jay Leno

"Well, as expected, they both won one last night. It doesn't mean anything. Barack Obama won Oregon, and Hillary won big in Kentucky. She beat Barack, what, 65% to 30%? Or, as they call it down South, a double-wide margin." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this is a tremendous victory for Hillary. Beause now that she's won Kentucky, of course, she can now move on to the Belmont Stakes." --Jay Leno

"And while in Louisville, Kentucky, they showed Hillary on the news at a mall, trying on three or four different pairs of reading glasses with the tags hanging down. Apparently, she's having trouble seeing the handwriting on the wall." --Jay Leno

"Actually, did you hear Hillary's new campaign slogan? 'Hell, no, I won't go! Hell, no, I won't go!'" --Jay Leno

"And then John McCain unveiled his new slogan. 'Hey, you, get off my lawn!'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is 'One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.' Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. 'Lady Who Doesn't Know it's Over.' And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, 'Man who fought with Custer,' I believe. There is still a little animosity." --Jay Leno

"As I understand it -- and I'm no political pundit -- but the way people explain it to me, is Hillary Clinton is still in the primary, and still contesting the race, and still winning delegates, but she has no chance of getting the nomination. That's like a team after the World Series is finished. They continue to show up at the stadium." --David Letterman

"But anyway, the bad, the sad thing here is she's in debt. The Hillary Clinton campaign, $21 million in debt. Yup. That's right. And so now, when she gets that 3am phone call, it's a loan shark." --David Letterman

"But Hillary is ready for the big Puerto Rico primary. She plans to campaign in a skimpy, two-piece pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Hilary Clinton called David Archuleta immediately after the show and told him not to give up to stay in the competition no matter what." --Jimmy Kimmel, on David Cook winning on American Idol

May 20, 2008

"Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama visited an Indian reservation. And I don't know if you heard about this, the chief adopted him and gave him the name 'Black Eagle.' That's true, yeah. The chief also gave Hillary Clinton the name 'Runs Even After Losing.' Good name." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House has announced that next month, President Bush will be making a trip through Europe. He's gonna travel all through Europe, yeah. President Bush says he's really excited to go to Europe, because he's never seen a kangaroo." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary has been trailing Barack Obama, but the one thing you have to love about Hillary, she is an optimist. She is nothing if not an optimist. She is the kind person that sees the pantsuit as half-full." --David Letterman

"But don't discount this Hillary, because she's nothing if not shrewd, also. These people, they are professional politicians. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? ... Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She's going to marry John McCain." --David Letterman

"Well, I guess she won today. We don't have the official tally yet. Today's primaries in Kentucky and Oregon. So you had the Bluegrass state, and the primo grass state." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton campaigned extensively in Bowling Green, Kentucky, over the weekend. Barack Obama did not campaign in Bowling Green. He doesn't do well in any place with the word 'bowling' in it. Anywhere with 'bowling,' he is out of there." --Jay Leno

"And I tell you, Hillary knows how to appeal to those voters. Like, she promised the people of Kentucky, if elected president, she would lower the price of pay-per-view wrestling fifty percent." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. 75,000. That's the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies." --Jay Leno

"On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended a church service at a church, a Methodist church in Bowling Green. She just went to the church there. It just so happens the minister gave a 60-minute sermon on adultery. Yeah, she had to sit through a 60-minute sermon. And here's the really embarrassing part. Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20-minute rebuttal" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama got a big endorsement this week. Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who, believe it or not, is a former exulted cyclops of the KKK, no kidding around, said he will cast his superdelegate vote for Barack Obama. Not a great time for Hillary Clinton when even former Klan members are supporting Barack Obama. ... By the way, don't be surprised if tomorrow he endorses Hillary Clinton, or Walter Mondale or something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They held primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. ... Hillary won Kentucky and Obama is expected to win Oregon, which means he would clinch a majority of the pledged delegates. There are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates, lemon pledged delegates and of course, the farmer-in-the-delegates ... you don't get those, you don't get the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

May 19, 2008