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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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Feb. 27, 2009

"Obama announced today we are finally, it's official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we're going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher

"Yeah, CitiCorp got their third bailout from the taxpayers. We now own 36 percent of CitiCorp, huh? And the CEO of CitiBank said, 'This does not change our strategy, our operations, or our governance.' Well, that's a relief. Just keep that s**tty bank magic going, would you?" --Bill Maher

"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? He delivered his first speech to a joint session of Congress. I watched at home with friends, also a joint session." --Bill Maher

"Hey, speaking of that, our new attorney general, Eric Holder, said individual states are now going to determine their own marijuana laws, and that the DEA is going to end raids on the California cannabis club. So, ask your doctor if pot is right for you." --Bill Maher

"But the speech. If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher

"It was a powerful speech. Joe Biden said it made the hair that was transplanted from the back of his neck stand up." --Bill Maher

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher: New Rules

Feb. 25, 2009

"Nation, last night, once again, the political stage was set on fire by a brilliant orator, a man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I'm speaking of, of course, of Bobby Jindal." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Jindal going after the $140 million set aside for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, seismology wasn't the only boondoggle Jindal went after [on screen: Jindal talking about the $8 billion to be set aside for a high-speed rail project between Las Vegas and Disneyland]. A magnetic levitation train from Vegas to Disneyland? Actually, that sounds pretty cool. You leave the kids with Cinderella, two hours later you're blowing their college fund on Pai Gow poker, getting bottle service from a 'hostess,' also dressed like Cinderella." --Stephen Colbert

"I say Jindal's speech was a homerun. Jimmy, let's look at the rest of the highlights. Oh, there are none? Okay. All right, well, then, folks, I guess I am forced to talk about the Democratic pre-sponse. No, I didn't hear any of it. I mute all of Obama's speeches, because I like to hear myself yell." --Stephen Colbert

"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart

"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart

"So how did Obama do? [on screen: Obama discussing all of the grave problems facing the country right now]. Sobering reality, check. And the hope part? [on screen: Obama talking about the ideas he has to fix the issues facing us]. All right, hope, there you go. Nice agenda. Solid, confident, definitely... [on screen: Obama pledging to reform healthcare]. Okay, easy there, fella. Let's keep our feet on the ground here. Let's just... [on screen: Obama talking about finding a cure for cancer 'in our time']. What are you, a f***ing wizard? Slow down!" By 2010, we'll have Cinnabons that make you skinnier. By 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about." --Jon Stewart

"Now, with Obama's speech still ringing in America's ears, it was time for the Republican response. Luckily, they had just the man for the job ... [on screen: the beginning of Jindal's speech, during which he says 'Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras']. ... Jindal's task was not an easy one. You see, with Barack Obama making a compelling case for an active federal government, Jindal had to tell America why he thought that was a lousy idea [on screen: Jindal bringing up Hurricane Katrina as a reason not to trust more government involvement]. So, because the Republican administration screwed the pooch, a Democratic administration shouldn't even try? What other lessons did Katrina teach you? [on screen: Jindal going after money allocated for use in volcano monitoring]. So, your other lesson from Katrina is, what good could possibly come from monitoring for potential natural disasters? Who cares about lava? It's like a levee overtopping -- it'll never happen!" --Jon Stewart

"George W. Bush is doing pretty well for a retiree. Our former president will hit the lecture circuit next month for a reported $150,000 per speech. Actually, it's $150,000 for the speech, and an extra 25 grand if you want to throw shoes at him. 150,000 seems like a lot to pay to hear someone who can't speak give a speech." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we're all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. In other words, we're screwed, because those are two things we're not good at around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The State of the Union addresses, they're a funny thing. It's very formal, but the president comes in the room like a boxer. He comes in, he makes his way through the crowd in little satin shorts, and then he takes off his robe and he goes up on the stage." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president says he intends to embark on bold new programs to expand healthcare, improve education and increase energy independence, all while cutting the deficit in half, and then, he's going to make the Washington monument disappear. So this should be exciting." --Jimmy Kimmel

Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Late-Night TV Videos
Jimmy Fallon: Kenneth the Page Responds to Bobby Jindal
Daily Show: Obama, Optimist Prime
Daily Show: Bobby Jindal's Response
Colbert Report: Obama's Congressional Address
Colbert Report: The Word - Ablacknophobia

Feb. 24, 2009

"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move 'American Idol' tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that's why it was smart that Obama opened by singing "Living on a Prayer.' Even Simon liked it, it was very well done." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We begin tonight in Washington, where Barack Obama has most likely just finished his address to the nation, no doubt shocking observers with his call for a global Christian crusade. I don't think anybody saw that coming. And he also introduced the poverty relief program that included a plan to, this is interesting, lift the societal taboos on eating adorable animals. He actually ended his speech tonight with the phrase, 'We're coming for you, kittens. And we're bringing the A-1.'" --Jon Stewart

"So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It's Canada. It's the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game." --Jon Stewart

"You're working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals ... and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? [on screen: Obama signing the guestbook in Canada]. Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?" --Jon Stewart

"All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our 'How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,' above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party." --Jon Stewart

"So, while Obama faces many challenges, he himself still presents a challenge to the Republican party. How will they be able to counter his unique popularity and message of change? Perhaps they'll do it with their new selection for GOP chairman Michael Steele. ... What is it about Steele that's got Republicans so excited? [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying he'll bring 'energy and drive' to the GOP, and Ron Christie saying the fact that he's black is 'a bonus']. What? That is true, I mean, when has being black not been a bonus? But I think they prefer to be called 'bonus Americans.'" --Jon Stewart

"Tonight is President Obama's first address to Congress. I'm TiVo-ing it, don't tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It's all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil." --Stephen Colbert

"What is the matter, Mr. President? Was hope forced to resign due to tax problems? There is good news to report out there [on screen: news reports that Wall Street has 'turned the clock back to 1997']. It's 1997! [on screen: Colbert dances to Hanson's 'Mmm Bop'] Folks, Ross and Rachel are back together. We are desperately keeping our Tamagotchis alive, and we know the stock market still has a couple of primo bubbles ahead of it" --Stephen Colbert

Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Canuck Obama
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Is the George W. Bush of Oscar Hosts
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - GOP Govs at Odds

Feb. 20, 2009

"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It is our first show back since the Obama administration. Or, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, 'End Times.'" --Bill Maher

"But I've got to tell you people, I'm a little nervous tonight. We started 16 years ago with 'Politically Incorrect' in 1993, moved over here to HBO with 'Real Time' in 2003. In all those years, I've never done a monologue where the president wasn't either a horny hillbilly or an illiterate dumbass. ... This is challenging, and it hasn't quite set in that Obama is president. I'm still writing 'F**k George Bush' on my checks." --Bill Maher

"Well, he's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher

"Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He's been in office a month, and he's dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?" --Bill Maher

"But what a task this guy has. He's got, on the one hand, to tell the people the truth. And on the other hand, try to lift our morale. Bill Clinton said today, you know, come on, lift morale, get out there and sell the hope thing, you know, that hope shit you've got. And both sides of the aisle are saying this. We have finally found something Democrats and Republicans agree that the president needs to do: lie." --Bill Maher

"And he does, because, I mean, some of our nations largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 's**tty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher

"I'll hold my powder to the end, but really, it is a bad sign. I tried to withdraw $60 yesterday, and my ATM said, 'you know, I've got to move some things around.'" --Bill Maher

"These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster." --Bill Maher

"No, but it's hurting everyone all over. You heard about this, the Oscars are going to be a lot less gaudy this year. The Oscars, where I'm a presenter this year ... in the category I should have been nominated in. ... No, my money is on 'Slumdog Millionaire,' which is also what I call my broker" --Bill Maher

"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves." --Jay Leno

"The new chairman of the Republican party, Michael Steele, says that he wants to bring a greater Republican presence to the urban setting. Yeah. Well, there's already a Republican presence in the urban setting. He's called the landlord. He comes around every month." --Jay Leno

"Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. And she told them, 'You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits. They're really fantastic.'" --Jay Leno

"And listen to this. While she was in China, she also managed to get a pirated copy of the movie 'The Watchmen,' which hasn't even come out yet. They already have it. She bought it on the street. Fantastic." --Jay Leno

"And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist, remember the one who threw his shoes at President Bush, remember that guy? Well, he said he rehearsed the attack for two years, rehearsed it for two years, even videotaped himself doing it. Well, how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?" --Jay Leno

"Archaeologists are going nuts in this town because they found the preserved skeleton of a 10,000-year-old mammoth while digging near the L.A. County Museum of Art. Of course, people all over the world are stunned. L.A. has a museum of art? What? And Larry King is furious. He thought he was the oldest thing in L.A. Apparently not." --Jay Leno

Feb. 19, 2009

"President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today -- Canadian geese." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, 'Oh, you have interns here, too.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. After the meeting, Pelosi asked for the Pope's blessing, and he agreed. But there was an embarrassing moment when the Pope asked her to close her eyes. Pelosi said, 'You know, I can't. They don't really close.' " --Jay Leno

"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno

"Hey, at 7:00 a.m. this morning, California finally passed a budget. We have a budget in California. The impasse was finally broken when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, we have a budget, so now we Californians can get back to doing what we do best -- buying homes we can't afford and letting murderers go free." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She's blaming it on Alex Rodriguez's cousin." --David Letterman

"Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house." --David Letterman

"Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'" --David Letterman

"There's a new study that says that in America, rich people are ruder than poor people. This is shocking because I didn't know America had any rich people left." --Craig Ferguson

"One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing its secret client list to the IRS Look at the headline: 'Swiss Bank to Reveal Secrets.' The story is in The New York Times so you know it's partially true!" --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we'll know this guy really is on to something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Eric Holder, who is our first African-American attorney general, told the Justice Department that when it comes to race, America is a 'nation of cowards.' You know, he's right. I will admit that there are certain things that I would be afraid to say to a black person, like, 'Hey, Queen Latifah, you aren't all that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters

10. How do we improve perfection?
9. Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people.
8. Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch.
7. After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, "You betcha!"
6. Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln.
5. Korean food again?
4. Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm.
3. Get a load of that bodacious booty! (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house).
2. With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide.
1. Hillary's running against me?

Feb. 18, 2009

"As you may have heard, the state of California is broke. So you're looking at massive state layoffs now because the legislature hasn't been able to come up with a budget. The state is $42 billion in the hole. You know, I'm no financial expert, but if you have no money and no prospects of making money and you owe $42 billion, you're way beyond putting yourself on a budget, O.K.? I think you're looking at faking your own death at this point." --Jay Leno

"Critics say the problem is people don't understand what is in the budget. Well, of course, we don't understand. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is explaining this to us. 'Yeah, da budget is here with da money. You see, with da hydrogen and da green people, sometime you take it from here, and you put here, with da solar power!'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It's a miracle!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high." --Jay Leno

"President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he's found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson." --Jay Leno

"And the idea of nationalizing banks is becoming more popular with some lawmakers and economists. They say they're leaning towards the Swedish model for banks. You know, I've got a better idea. How about opening banks with all Swedish models." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno

"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno

"In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin -- remember Bristol Palin, who had the baby? Well, she talked in the interview. She said, 'A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.' Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno

"And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Asia. She is in Japan, or as Bill was heard telling a woman in a bar last night, 'We're separated.'" --Jay Leno

"America's auto makers have asked the government -- remember when America's auto makers flew into Washington in their private jets and said, 'We're busted. We'd like several hundred billion dollars.' Well, they're coming back again. They're asking for $22 billion in additional taxpayer money. I mean, these guys are like the world's most expensive brother-in-law, you know?" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She's on tour in Asia. Hillary's in Asia. Bill's in heaven." --David Letterman

"Right now, Hillary is visiting China. She's trying to stop the proliferation of doorknob menus." --David Letterman

"President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama has now addressed two of the three major issues that he said would have to be addressed in order to avert a financial disaster. The first was getting the stimulus package passed. The second was addressing the housing crisis and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. And I've got a cage full of hamsters that are starting to look absolutely delicious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama's Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson

Feb. 17, 2009

"Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington's throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole." --Jay Leno

"No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, 'Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.'" --Jay Leno

"And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. Like, today, instead of just saying, 'Oh, from North to South,' he said, 'From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.' That sounds so much better than, 'From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.'" --Jay Leno

"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something I learned on the Discovery Channel. Researchers say that animals actually plan for the future. And I think it's true. For example, do you know that most animals sold all their stocks at the end of 2006?" --Jay Leno

"And one of the hardest hit businesses in this failing economy is plastic surgery. Fewer and fewer people are getting plastic surgery. How ironic is that? The one time you really need a smile on your face, you can't even afford to get it." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. It is in such bad shape that today, three stock brokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts." --Jay Leno

"And California? that's no day at the beach either. Oh, California, I tell you. Today, I saw Governor Schwarzenegger dyeing his hair with an orange Sharpie. 'You godda get da color back in dere.'" --Jay Leno

"And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here." --Jay Leno

"And police in Mexico found a pickup truck with side panels and bumpers that were made entirely of cocaine. Police got suspicious when the guy had a minor fender bender and claimed $2.5 million in damages." --Jay Leno

"You remember Hillary Clinton? She has been married to Bubba for quite a while. Well, she is now the secretary of state, and she is on her first big round the world tour. She is on her big Asian tour. She wants to normalize relations with North Korea. No word yet about normalizing relations with Bill." --David Letterman

"They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine's Day, and I thought this was surprising: sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment." --David Letterman

"I want to tell you something. You think it's tough in New York City, California is bankrupt. Yeah, things are so - here's how bad things are California. They've canceled the next three mudslides." --David Letterman

"Meanwhile, while Obama's signing the stimulus package bill in Denver, John McCain was busy at Denny's, sectioning his grapefruit." --David Letterman

"A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!" --Craig Ferguson

"According to the 'Financial Times,' Barack Obama, they're saying, is moving towards Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn't happened since the Clinton Administration." --Craig Ferguson

"I'm very worried about the economy. Hopefully, our problems will be over soon. And I think they will be because today, President Obama finally signed the stimulus bill, which is supposed to create 3.5 million jobs. It'll fund new roads and new bridges. They've even put aside $8 billion for new trains. I smell Vice President Joe Biden. He loves trains." --Craig Ferguson

"Only three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. The rest are withholding their votes so that they can blame Obama if it doesn't work, which is perfectly acceptable. This is what politicians do. But I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' What I think has happened to Obama is this. It is kind of like George W. Bush was in the restroom before him and then came out and went away. And Obama's gone in and he's found something awful there." --Craig Ferguson

"I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson

"We have four shows left, including tonight. It's weird, I was thinking about it today. When we went on the air in 1993, I had no way of knowing that 16 years later we'd have an African-American president. Then again, Barack Obama had no way of knowing that an albino would be taking over 'The Tonight Show.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law. The spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he's still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10. Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something
9. Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler
8. Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"
7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors
6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits
5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso
4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy
3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products
2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"
1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

Late-Night TV Videos
Conan O'Brien and Stepen Colbert Dance-Off

Feb. 16, 2009

"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow." --Jay Leno

"Presidents' Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Congress passed the biggest spending bill in US history: $787 billion. The newspapers said today not one politician in Washington has read the bill, to which President Bush said, 'See, nobody reads that stuff! Who says I have no legacy?'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno

"After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said, 'Don't worry about it. I do it all the time.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, more problems with the Democrats. Republicans are now calling for the new Illinois Sen. Roland Burris to resign after he apparently lied to investigators about talking to Rod Blagojevich's brother about campaign money. Rod Blagojevich has a brother? How bad is his hair? Geez!" --Jay Leno

"Last week, an American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. And Sarah Palin said she could see the collision from her house." --Jay Leno

"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman

"Here's something exciting. Hillary Clinton, our secretary of state, is on her first big round the world trip. She's visiting Asia, including a stop in China, where she is trying to do something about those leaky takeout food cartons." --David Letterman

"Yeah. Hillary is in Asia, Bill is in heaven." --David Letterman

"A new poll of historians just came out. And the poll has named former President George W. Bush one of the ten worst presidents of all time. But on the bright side, Bush was selected second best president named George Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. Yesterday, one of President Obama's top advisors said that choosing cabinet members is not like picking 'American Idol.' Yeah, mainly because the 'American Idol' contestants have paid their taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"Marvel Comics has come out with a special edition comic book where Spider-Man and Captain America go back in time to watch Abraham Lincoln deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's true. Yeah, so this story finally answers the question, what would happen if Michael Phelps ran Marvel Comics?" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, of course, a very solemn day in America. We celebrate presidents past by getting a good deal on mattresses and big-screen TVs." --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Dan Aykroyd Mocks GOP Opposition
Monday's Late-Night Joke Roundup

Feb. 12, 2009

"Well, it's Thursday. You know what that means? Another Obama Cabinet member nominee has quit." --Jay Leno

"Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg has withdrawn as the nominee for Commerce Secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited 'irresolvable conflict.' So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes." --Jay Leno

"Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don't count federal prison." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, airlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella." --Jay Leno

"I don't know what the deal is, but all of a sudden, we have 40- and 50 mile-an-hour gusts of wind blowing around outside. In fact, it is so windy, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's hair actually moved." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln, who was born 200 years ago today. And to mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier today, went into a theater and shot a guy." --David Letterman

"Don't you have a feeling it's going to be a long time before we have a vice president who shoots a guy in the face? Just doesn't happen that often."  --David Letterman

"John McCain's in the news. This week, Sen. John McCain sent out an e-mail to his supporters announcing that he's running for re-election in 2010. Yeah. Isn't that incredible? John McCain knows how to use e-mail." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for America, everybody, but a very tough day for the President. Another Obama Cabinet pick has withdrawn his name from contention. Obama 's nominees are dropping faster than babies out of that octuplet mother." --Craig Ferguson

"It's Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, and to honor the occasion, the U.S. Mint is releasing a new penny that shows Lincoln's house. That's appropriate because that's about how much a house is worth these days." --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: American Grandstand - Bank Hearings
Daily Show: Hodgman - You're Welcome - Fixing the Economy

Feb. 11, 2009

"
You know, this Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner? He gave testimony on Capitol Hill today, but it drew lukewarm response. So, Timothy, welcome to the club!" --David Letterman

"I hate to be critical this early into the new administration, but I don't know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary was in charge of buried treasure." --David Letterman

"How about this? It's a good example of how strange things are and how time flies. On this date in 2006, then-Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Tell me again why he's not in jail? How did that work?" --David Letterman

"How about this? A celebrity birthday. Today is Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's birthday. I'm not saying how old is, but from her house, she can see 50." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is actually 45 years old today, and just to tell you a little something about me -- Sarah Palin, I think, is the first vice presidential candidate that I have pictured naked. Well, since Lloyd Bentsen." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin had a big birthday celebration up there in Alaska. She celebrated by shooting wolf cubs from a helicopter. Later, she shot the cake." --David Letterman

"Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn't paid taxes for eight years straight. So for Barry, it's either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday, Governor Sarah Palin, who turned 45 years old today. Hey, I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card in it with $5 from John McCain. After Palin opened her card, she did some shots - two moose and a caribou." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, 'Hey, try it for eight years.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.'s in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie." --Jay Leno

"The president has been busy with his stimulus plan, selling it. He was in Fort Myers, Florida, he had a big town-hall event where he took questions. And I think it's safe to say that the people at this event were not so-called, 'screened' [on screen: a college student and McDonald's employee, shouting haltingly and incoherently asks Obama about his jobs proposals]. Security! Somebody had too many McFlurries for breakfast. Little-known fact: Obama carried the spastic fast-food-worker vote by a margin of five-to-one. But you have to hand it to the president. He stayed with it and actually had follow-up questions for the guy [on screen: Obama asks the student about his studies and then compliments his communication skills]. Yeah. Isn't that cute? His first public lie." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Wednesday's Late-Night Joke Roundup
Daily Show: Indecision 5769 - Jews or Lose
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Wall Street Bailout

Feb. 10. 2009

"Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States, and it was fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences." --Jay Leno

"I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he'd go, 'Uh, can I have a hint?'" --Jay Leno

"And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, 'God wants me to serve.' But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can't win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?" --Jay Leno

"Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?" --Jay Leno

"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno

"Now it's time for another installment of 'They took away Bush, but, by God, they gave us Joe Biden.' As you know, Barack Obama out there selling this stimulus package. He believes in it. He can change America. Here's Joe Biden talking: (on screen: Biden: 'You know, if we do everything right, we do it with absolute certainty, we stand up there and we make really tough decisions, there's still a 30 percent chance we're gonna get it wrong']. You think Obama's sitting up there going, 'Shut up! Shut up!'?" --Jay Leno

"How about President Barack Obama's first primetime press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" --David Letterman

"Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson, who has reportedly put on some weight." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a big speech on the economy. Obama's speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, 'Is he Cuban?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Senate has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here's how it's going to work. On March 1st, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it's going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn't mean you have to have sex with other dudes." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - The Stimulus Package
Colbert Report: The Word - Loyal Opposition

Feb. 9, 2009

"Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it's FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody." --Jay Leno

"Oh, here's a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can't get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy." --Jay Leno

"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno

"And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what's happened to John McCain since the election." --Jay Leno

"Last night, right here on CBS, they aired the annual Grammy Awards, and no surprise here, the Grammy for Best Duo went to Aretha Franklin and her hat." --David Letterman

"Anybody here in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems." --David Letterman

"In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It's sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they'd stay together for the sake of the cat." --Conan O'Brien

"Things are winding down here on the 'Late Night' show. Only 10 shows left, including tonight. A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama's Cabinet owes in back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Bill O'Reilly's Right to Privacy
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - The Death of Hope
Colbert Report: Al Gore Steals Stephen's Grammy

Feb. 6-7, 2009

"President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes." --Jay Leno

"See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you're not performing well, and you're taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour?" --Jay Leno

"The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?" --Jay Leno

"It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package. But very similar." --Jay Leno

"People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here's how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm." --David Letterman

"Monday is the Westminster Kennel Club's 133rd Annual Dog Show. As you know, these just aren't regular dogs. These dogs are scrutinized and gone over, literally, with a fine-tooth comb. And they're judged, here's how they're judged: appearance, of course, appearance. Silky coat, silky coat. Firm hindquarters, firm hindquarters. It's also how John McCain chose his running mate." --David Letterman

"So every dog is groomed, blow-dried and flea-dipped. You know, it's the same thing they did to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for the impeachment trial." --David Letterman

"President Brack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He's the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established 'Pants-Free Friday.'" --David Letterman

"They're giving a special Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys this year. The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Aretha Franklin's hat." --David Letterman

"On Friday, the Senate agreed to an economic stimulus package of at least $780 billion, which I know sounds like a lot of money, but, remember, that's in American dollars." --Seth Meyers

"In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm." --Seth Meyers

"After two of his top Cabinet nominees withdrew their bids on Tuesday because of their failure to pay back taxes, President Obama said, 'This was a mistake; I screwed up.' That was your mistake? I don't know if you remember, but the last guy broke the world [on screen: photo of George W. Bush]." --Seth Meyers

"At a Groundhog Day ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by a groundhog, which means six more weeks of winter for us, and six pounds of fresh groundhog meat for the zoo's lions." --Seth Meyers

"Hi everyone, I'm Jimmy. I'm your late-night stimulus package. ... Word out of the Senate tonight is that a deal has been reached on a $780 billion stimulus package. It's said to include a mixture of tax cuts, infrastructure spending, health-care stipends, and ponies for everyone in America." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Pelosi and Reid Are In Need of Support
Weekend Late-Night Joke Roundup

Feb. 5, 2009

"This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes." --Jay Leno

"It came out today that the House Democratic Caucus spent $500,000 of taxpayers' money for retreats at luxury resorts and spas. The Democrats say the time was used for strategic planning for the country. So, the resorts are being used for strategic planning. Really? Then what is the Capitol building for? Hello?! Hello?! Isn't this work?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about that Rod Blagojevich? You know who I am talking about? The former governor of Illinois was on the program Tuesday. He looks like the guy who would sell you retractable awnings. Blagojevich looks like a guy who runs out of bullets and then throws his gun at Superman." --David Letterman

"Man, here's something chilling. Former Vice President Dick Cheney is now warning that there will be another terrorist attack. He got that information by waterboarding himself." --David Letterman

"Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them." --Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin is back in the news as well. She's been criticizing anonymous bloggers. She calls them 'pathetic.' Apparently she feels that unknown people should not be criticizing politicians, unless the unknown person is running for vice president. Then it's all right." --Craig Ferguson

"It's bad here in California. The unemployment here is the worst it's been in 25 years. Here's how bad the unemployment situation is in Hollywood. Right now, people are begging to work with Christian Bale." --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Why Are You Such a Dick? - Audio Tape
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Economic Recovery Plan
Colbert Report: Economic Stimulus Debate

Feb. 4, 2009

"Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes." --Jay Leno

"I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno

"Wasn't it just a couple months ago, these people were making fun of Joe the Plumber for not paying his taxes?" --Jay Leno

"Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught." --Jay Leno

"I guess the Democrats think IRS means, 'I'm really sorry.'" --Jay Leno

"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions. 'Please marry me, please!'" --Jay Leno

"The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America." --Jay Leno

"And today, President Obama announced a salary cap of $500,000 for executives at banks and companies that have received taxpayer bailout money. And you know — it is good. But I'll tell you something, you can tell a lot of these CEOs don't get it. They said, 'Well, that's $500,000 a month, right?'" --Jay Leno

"And Wells Fargo, who got almost $25 billion in bailout money, has canceled a pricey 12-day corporate trip to Las Vegas. And I think they learned their lesson, because they really scaled things back. They're not doing Vegas anymore. Now, it's a one-day pie eating contest in Laughlin." --Jay Leno

"And Citigroup, who received a huge bailout from the government, owns the naming rights to the New York Mets' new stadium. It is currently called Citi Field, but because of Barack Obama's crackdown on the Federal bailout money, Citigroup will legally have to change the name of the stadium to Money Grubbing Bastards Field." --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain." --Jay Leno

"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno

The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno

"Either today or yesterday, Barack Obama said Americans are 'sick and tired' of people 'being rewarded for failure.' Is he talking about me?" --David Letterman

"I'm sorry you folks weren't here last night, because you missed a big show. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was here. You know, it's funny. The audience really liked him, but they impeached me." --David Letterman

"But it was fun to have Rod Blagojevich on the program, because for one night, I was not the creepiest guy on the show." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, while you were applauding that joke, another Obama nominee dropped out." --David Letterman

"Have you been following this? Obama has now lost two nominees because of tax trouble. So good luck to the new Health and Human Services nominee, Wesley Snipes." --David Letterman

"Former Senator Tom Daschle from South Dakota had to withdraw because he forgot to pay taxes. You know, I believe the guy because in South Dakota, there are so many distractions." --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's out of office, but he's still chomping at the bit. You know what I'm talking about? Daschle embarrasses Obama so today Obama gets a call from Cheney, 'Hey, let me waterboard him.'" --David Letterman

"I was stunned by the Daschle story because we don't expect Democrats to cheat on their taxes. No, we expect Democrats to cheat on their wives. That's how this is supposed to go!" --David Letterman

"Nation, last night, President Obama called his handling of the Tom Daschle nomination 'a mistake.' This is great news, because we all know that a president only admits to a mistake at the end of his term. So it is official: The Obama administration is over" --Stephen Colbert

"President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That's true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is going to put a salary cap on execs working for companies that take government bailout money. Finally, some accountability in Washington. But I'm thinking if they are going introduce accountability, shouldn't Obama start by making his own people pay their taxes?" --Craig Ferguson

"Obama's cabinet picks must've gone to the Willie Nelson School of Taxpaying.." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has been doing quite a few TV interviews this week, and one of the subjects of discussion has been his smoking. He's trying to quit smoking and made a promise to himself that he would not smoke on the White House grounds. Anderson Cooper last night asked him about that and a bunch of other things [on screen: Cooper asks Obama if he's had a cigarette since going to the White House; Obama says no, while video is edited to make it appear he is lighting up and then smoking roughly half a pack of cigarettes simultaneously]. It's part of his plan to bail out the tobacco industry." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Joe the Political Strategist
Daily Show: Back in Black: Congress on YouTube
Daily Show: Comparing Robert Gibbs to Bush's Press Secretaries

Feb. 3, 2009

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that thing on his head doesn't bite me." --David Letterman

"I like Blagojevich. He looks like your neighbor who never returns the tools. Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, 'The best we can do is store credit.'" --David Letterman

"Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes." --David Letterman

"Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. Remember the old days, when politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages. Those days seem pretty sweet now, don't they?" --David Letterman

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they're in serious danger of becoming a bank. That's how bad it is." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes." --Jay Leno

"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno

"You know what really did Tom Daschle in? It turns out there are now pictures of him partying with Michael Phelps." --Jay Leno

"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno

"You realize Obama would have less tax problems if he had nominated Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes. They actually have better records than most of these people." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno

"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno

"And the Smithsonian Institute wants the hat that Aretha Franklin wore at President Obama's inauguration. They want to put the hat on display, and they will take possession of the hat as soon as they can build a new wing to house it. " --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'the black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The producers of this year's Academy Awards are worried about the ratings, so they are making several changes to the show to try to increase viewership. For instance, this year's broadcast will be called 'American Idol Presents the Oscars, Hosted by Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently, the President has a half brother named George Obama, who lives in Kenya, and George Obama was arrested on Saturday for possession of marijuana. He was walking around the village telling people his brother was the President, so they assumed he was high and arrested him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How great is that, though? One brother is the President of the United States, the other is a stoner in Kenya. If that isn't a sitcom, I don't know what is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And by the way, is Africa really the place you want to get the munchies? It isn't." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a great day for us here at the show but not a great day for Batman, or as he's known in real life, actor Christian Bale. Bale was all over the Internet today. Have you heard that tape? We can't play it for you, because some of the language is not appropriate for TV. Almost everyone who's heard this tape says it's offensive, but former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich disagreed, calling it 'amateur,' and 'not cussy enough.'" --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Big 'Bama's House
Daily Show: Daschle's Old Car
Colbert Report: Daschle Steps Down
Colbert Report: The Word - Army of One

Feb. 2, 2009

"Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. 'Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.'" --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread." --Jay Leno

"And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " --Jay Leno

"There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama's Cabinet who's actually paid their taxes." --Jay Leno

"Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn't had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?" --Jay Leno

"And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them." --Jay Leno

"And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, 'That's why I didn't pay them in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

"Right after Sunday's Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio." --David Letterman

"You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off." --David Letterman

"Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it." --David Letterman

"President Obama's busy. He's fighting very hard to get his stimulus package passed, and one of the senators resisting President Obama's stimulus package the most is John McCain. John McCain's resisting the package, yeah. Apparently, McCain's biggest problem with the package is that it's not in a larger font." --Conan O'Brien

"I do want to say a quick word to anyone out there who wants to bring change and hope to a deeply divided and suffering America: Pay your f***ing taxes. We're not asking you to be perfect. You want to be in the Cabinet? We're not saying you can't throw a little under the table to the Guatemalan nanny. You're not saying you can't accept a couple thanks-for-your-help fruit baskets from the boys down at Local 238. But Tom Daschle? Obama's pick for Health secretary? [on screen: news report about Daschle's failure to pay $128K in taxes] $128,000 in taxes. That's not $128,000 for a car and driver. That's $128,000 in the taxes on, like, 400,000 of drivers. If you're paying $300,000 to $400,000 for a driver, you're driving too much. What do you wake up in the morning and have to go to the bathroom and go, 'Driver? To the toilet.' That's how much money it would be for Miss Daisy if her driver was actually Morgan Freeman. So Tom Daschle, pay your taxes. And stop having Alfred bring you to work in the Batmobile. It's too much money." --Jon Stewart

"Michael Steele is the new RNC Chairman! ...You know, Republicans, I appreciate what you're trying to do here. He's your voice of change, your Barack Obama. But, you know, it's not as simple as that. I know you want to take his fight to the Democrats. But Michael Steele, he's like, remember when your kid really wanted a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas? But all the stores were sold out, so you went to Chinatown and got him a Giggle-Time All-Mo. Michael Steele is the Republican Party's Giggle-Time All-Mo" --Jon Stewart

 "Nation, we all know that the march toward socialism continues. Last Tuesday, Congress passed the Lilly Ledbetter law, which makes it easier to sue your employer for pay discrimination. No one tell Dianne Feinstein not everyone in Congress gets paid in saltines. Now folks, I say this Ledbetter legislation is unfair. Women are the ones who get discriminated against the most, which means they're going to benefit from this law more than men. That is sexist. Not to mention that many in the business community say '... the measure could ... discourage employers from hiring women.' Exactly. If you can't discriminate against women, what is the point in hiring them? I guess the only reasonable answer is to hire nothing but women and pay them all equally horribly. Well, Obama signed the bill on Thursday, which means I can no longer discriminate legally. From now on, I'm going to have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, because that's where I usually do my harassment. It's going to get very crowded down there." --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Elephant in the Room
Daily Show: Super Bowl Ads
Colbert Report: The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

Jan. 30-31, 2009

"The Illinois State Legislature on Thursday voted unanimously to remove Governor Rod Blagojevich from office and barred him from ever holding public office in the state again. When informed of his impeachment, Blagojevich was so stunned his hair stood on end, killing six people in the office above." --Seth Meyers

"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.' So that's better." --Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, the Republican National Committee selected Michael Steele, an African American, as their new party chairman. You guys know it doesn't work with just any black guy, right?" --Seth Meyers

"Happy TGIF. You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired." --Jay Leno

"Rod Blagojevich...now out of a job, he's disgraced, he's unpopular. In fact today, he got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, welcome to the club.'" --Jay Leno

"He said today he loves the people of Illinois more today than he ever has before. And the people of Illinois said, 'You know, we're just not that into you.'" --Jay Leno

"Just a couple of hours ago, the Republican Party elected Michael Steele as the first African-American chairman of the GOP. That shows you, the Republican Party isn't just for stuffy, old white guys anymore. There's plenty of room for stuffy, old black guys, too." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, President Obama having a more relaxed White House dress code than the Bush administration. Though not nearly as relaxed as the Clinton administration." --Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Blagojevich Sets the Record Straight
SNL: Obama Gets Nostalgic
SNL: David Patterson on New York's New Senator

Jan. 29, 2009

"
Huge, huge winter storm in some parts of the country. In fact, it was so cold in Chicago, they froze out Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich." --Jay Leno

"Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that's one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go." --Jay Leno

"But it's not over, because Blagojevich could still go to jail. In fact, he'll be the first Illinois governor to go to jail since the last one, and the one before that, then there were a couple more." --Jay Leno

"Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad -- 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty." --Jay Leno

"So now, the lieutenant governor of Illinois will move up and he'll be sworn in. And Blagojevich still doesn't get it. Like when he heard the lieutenant governor was going to get his seat, he said, 'You mean for free?'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Obama has outlawed torture. Although, he said, 'After listening to Rush Limbaugh, maybe I was a little too hasty.'" --Jay Leno

"Ooh, it's getting nasty now between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Limbaugh told his radio audience he's not going to 'bend over' and grab his ankles just because Barack Obama is black. Well, you know, let's take race out of it for a minute. Now, honestly, regardless of who's president, do you think there's any chance in hell Rush Limbaugh could bend over and grab his ankles?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That's a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees' payroll for a season and a half." --Jay Leno

"And because of the tough economic times, the 'LA Daily News' is no longer sending a sportswriter to cover games played by NBA basketball's LA Clippers. So I guess covering Clipper games falls under Obama's new law banning torture." --Jay Leno

"And former secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, is readjusting to life as a private citizen. God, you think after eight years of tense talks with hostile tyrants, she would have had enough, but no, today, she was on 'The View.'" --Jay Leno

"There's now growing proof that some of the relief money that was supposed to help victims of the huge earthquake in China was actually siphoned off by corrupt officials. In fact, one corrupt official, Chang Blagojevich, was arrested today." --Jay Leno

"Cold everywhere. Listen how cold it is. It is so cold out in Illinois, the state of Illinois impeached Al Roker." --David Letterman

"On this date in 2002, President Bush, do you remember this, the axis of evil speech? Do you remember his axis of evil? Do you remember what the axis of evil was? Iran, Iraq, Dick Cheney. That was the axis of evil right there." --David Letterman

"Blagojevich was impeached today back there in Springfield. And he spoke in his defense at the impeachment proceedings, spoke for 47 minutes. And it really took its toll on the guy, because afterwards, they had to rush him to the emergency room at Supercuts." --David Letterman

"Have you taken a good look at this Rod Blagojevich? I mean, he looks like the producer of an adult entertainment awards show. ... Blagojevich looks like your wife's ex-husband. ... Blagojevich looks like the guy at the high school reunion who knows everything about you and you have no idea who he is. ... Blagojevich looks like the guy that goes to a family barbeque and criticizes how you arrange the charcoal. ... Blagojevich looks like a guy who claims to know Jon Lovitz." --David Letterman

"This Blagojevich, I would not give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. It is one headache after another for this Blagojevich. It turns out, next month, his hair goes digital." --David Letterman

"Oh, here's good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that's passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes." --David Letterman

"You know it's interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern." --David Letterman

"And anybody who has kids, of course, is nervous about the Obama girls, who have had to change homes and change schools. And it is just crazy. But the good news is the girls love living in the White House. They do have one complaint, though. Sometimes, at midnight, when the moon is full, they can hear the squeaking hinges on Dick Cheney's coffin." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney, you know, he's in retirement now. But he's not just sitting around, taking it easy, oh, no. He's active. He's got things going on. For example, he booked himself on the show, 'Sneering with the Stars.'" --David Letterman

"Things are really looking bad for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Political experts are wondering what his future will hold. But on the bright side for Blagojevich, he has been offered a job as the 'before' picture at Supercuts." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, on CNN, they have been showing a blueprint, all week, of the White House to help viewers visualize the layout of the West Wing. Yeah, when he saw it, former President Bush said, 'So that's where the bathroom was.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, there's been an increase in the number of illegal Mexican immigrants living in Canada. Yeah. Yeah, you got the hand it to them. That must be some tunnel." --Conan O'Brien

"ABC says they will probably cancel the sitcom 'According to Jim,' which means Barack Obama's message of hope is already working." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a bad day for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. The state senate kicked him out. So today, Blagojevich did what any smart criminal in Illinois would do. He asked Oprah for a pardon." --Craig Ferguson

"In Washington, in response to President Obama's stimulus package, Rush Limbaugh proposed his own stimulus package. That's true. You see, that's what this country needs. What we need is a stimulus package proposed by a fat DJ. That's what's going to set the country back on track." --Craig Ferguson

"Actually, Rush Limbaugh's stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants." --Craig Ferguson

"Today is Oprah Winfrey's 55th birthday. I feel bad for Stedman on Oprah's birthday. What do you get the woman who has her own president? Do you sacrifice a lamb or something? You can't make a mixed tape." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The state Senate in Illinois stayed in session today to finish the impeachment trial of Governor Rod Blagojevich, who decided to show up today. He spoke for 47 minutes before they were able to nab him with a butterfly net and some Aqua Net." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that's refreshing, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It's an historic visit, not just because it's his first foreign trip, but because he'll be the first black person ever to visit Canada." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 28, 2009

"You folks know about this Rod Blagojevich, the governor from Illinois? Well, they're trying to get him out of there because he's a crook. And he was having an impeachment trial, and he said, 'You know what, you kids go and have your little impeachment trial. I'm going to New York City, and I'm going to be on every TV show.' Did you see the guy on TV? He was everywhere. I mean, this guy, he looks like the guy that tells you need new brake pads, you know?" --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like an insurance salesman that keeps calling you 'Captain.' 'Hey, Captain.'" --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like a guy who backs you up with his aftershave. Whoah!" --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like a guy who disappears with your deposit after he takes your contracting contract." --David Letterman

"Blagojevich looks like the guy who tries to set you up with his wife." --David Letterman

"And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?" --David Letterman

"President Bush, of course, has a place just outside of Crawford, Texas — Rancho Inepto." --David Letterman

"President Barack Obama gave his first sit-down interview as president to an Arab TV network. He's reaching out to the Arab world. In fact, he even made a cameo appearance on one of the biggest sitcoms in the Arab world, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --Jay Leno

"And people are still talking about Michelle Obama's inaugural outfit. You know, I saw the designer on one of the cable shows and he said he didn't even know that Michelle was going to wear his design. He said he was watching the inaugural ball on TV and was surprised to see her wearing it. On a related note, the designer of Aretha Franklin's hat said he was also surprised when he saw Aretha wearing his design on her head because he originally designed it as a tote bag." --Jay Leno

"And my favorite politician -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich -- was on the 'Today' show yesterday. And he compared himself to Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Gandhi. Really? You see his hair? I think he's more like Skippy from 'Family Ties.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, earlier this week, all the e-mail service in the White House completely collapsed. No e-mails coming in, no e-mails going out. Everything had to be written down on paper by hand. It was like if John McCain had been elected president. " --Jay Leno

"And freezing cold weather in Washington this week. The roads are so icy, Al Gore almost didn't make it to his global warming speech today." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee the Earth is in grave danger from global warming. But is this the best time to try to convince people that global warming is real, in the middle of a blizzard? He should come back in August when the air conditioner is broken, come out with a panting dog, and then maybe people will listen." --Jay Leno

"And the 'Wall Street Journal' reports that Bill Clinton made $4.7 million last year in speaking fees from foreign countries. And they say this will cause a conflict for Hillary as secretary of state, but Bill has vowed not to cause any problems for her. And believe me, when Bill Clinton makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that a woman recently gave birth to eight babies? And out of force of habit, John Edwards went back into hiding." --Jay Leno

"And a new study finds that it takes humans 30% longer to lie than it does to tell the truth. See, that's why political speeches are so long." --Jay Leno

"Hey, there's a new HBO documentary out about Ted Haggard. Remember him? He was the preacher that got caught with the male hooker? Well, this new film focuses on Haggard's relationship with his wife. I believe it's called 'He's Just Not That Into You.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien

"Big snowstorm has hit the northeast, and President Obama actually said this. He said that people in Washington can't handle harsh winter weather like people in Chicago. But, to be fair, Chicago is shielded from the snow and ice by the protective dome of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's hair." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for Al Gore, who went to Washington today to make a speech about the dangers of global warming, which is a bit embarrassing because Washington is in the middle of a huge ice storm right now." --Craig Ferguson

"But Al Gore will convince these lawmakers that global warming's something to be concerned about. Because Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president." --Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10. I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters.
9. Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."
8. Smokebreak!!
7. You fells really need to take it easy on the Old Spice.
6. Mr. President: Don't misunderestimate the Republicans.
5. Another smokebreak!
4. What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?
3. About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?
2. Sir, it's refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences.
1. Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room

Jan. 27, 2009

"
Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that's not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called '30 Rocks.'" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said today when it comes to passing a stimulus package, 'We can't afford distractions' or 'delays.' And, of course, you know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee. He was furious." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"Oh, last night, we talked about how Citigroup took $50 million of the bailout money we gave them and bought a corporate jet. Well, Citigroup now says they were not going to take possession of the jet. They said they're going to lose money on it because they put a huge deposit on it, but they now realize it was a mistake. They said this is the most overpriced jet since Brett Favre." --Jay Leno

"And on 'Good Morning America,' Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said he considered offering the vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey, but changed his mind when she wouldn't give him a car." --Jay Leno

"Cold outside right now. And I'm not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That's causing a frost." --David Letterman

"Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer." --David Letterman

"Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts' office today when he screwed up the words to 'Happy Birthday.'" --David Letterman

"Well, it looks like that prison, that detention center, in Guantanamo Bay is being closed. And people say, 'Well, what are you going to do with all those folks who are down there, all those suspected terrorists and thugs and goons and nasty, awful people?' We're going to bring them up here to the Ed Sullivan Theater and put them in the audience." --David Letterman

"But listen to this. They're closing Guantanamo. That's how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That's how bad the economy is. You know it's tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off." --David Letterman

"How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it's fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there's a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move." --David Letterman

"But that's not all. At midnight, the Obama girls hear creepy organ music coming from Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney, you've got to give him credit. He's enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey." --David Letterman

"Actually, Cheney is relaxing at his ranch, the Triple Bypass." --David Letterman

"And listen to this. It's an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?" --David Letterman

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as 'an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he's doing. Yesterday, he was on 'The View,' the 'Today' show, and 'Good Morning America.' Today, his hair was on 'Animal Planet' and 'Unsolved Mysteries.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Today, President Barack Obama's first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they 'unclench their fist,' we will shake their hand. But they're hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sen. John McCain has confirmed that as rumored, his wife Cindy was approached to compete on 'Dancing with the Stars,' but they turned it down. I guess they figured the McCains have lost enough competitions already." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On this week, our one-week anniversary, Obama sat down for a one-on-one interview [on screen: excerpts from Obama's Al Arabiya interview]. Wait a minute. That's not Katie Couric. Oh my God, that's not even Greta Van Susteren. ... So Obama's first interview is on Al Arabiya. What does he have to say to them that he couldn't say on American television? [on screen: Obama saying he has lived in Muslim countries and that he has Muslim family members]. Wait. What? Why haven't we met them? Don't you think they would have enjoyed sharing in the campaign process? Holy crow. That would be like if the first thing John McCain did after winning the presidency was go on the AARP network and let them know that he, too, sometimes forgets where he is. But I get it. He's a bridge between the worlds." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, I'm sure you've all heard the terrible news by now, and seen this disturbing video that surfaced yesterday of on the Al Arabiya television network [on screen: Obama's interview with Al Arabiya]. Only six days into his term, evidently, President Obama has been kidnapped by Muslim extremists. You can tell they're Muslim extremists because they have that squiggly Arab writing down there at the bottom right there [on screen: Colbert pointing to Arabic on the screen during the interview]. ... So, recapping our top story -- I can't believe I'm the one breaking this -- our president has been kidnapped by a terrorist group calling themselves the Al Arabiya television network. Just listen to what these monsters made him say [on screen: Obama saying Iranians are a 'great people.' He also says Americans 'make mistakes' and aren't perfect]. Not been perfect? What are they doing to him? We know none of that is true." --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts."
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH."
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don't know ... how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!" a lot.
1. Uhhh...resign?

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama's Arabic TV Interview
Daily Show: Black Is In
Daily Show: Geraldo Interviews Blagojevich
Colbert Report: Al Arabiya Kidnaps Obama
Colbert Report: O'Reilly Doesn't Report Rumors

Jan. 26, 2009

"Cold outside. Lousy cold. Here is how cold it was. It was so cold today that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up while ordering chowder. It was so cold, that thing on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's head went into hibernation." --David Letterman

"By the way, today, Governor Blagojevich is being impeached. Of course, the state of Illinois is already searching for a new crooked politician to take his place." --David Letterman

Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It's the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate." --David Letterman

"Boy, speaking of John McCain, what a busy week in Washington last week. How about that? Wasn't that crazy? But John McCain had a busy week too. He was at Appleby's, blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"President Bush is enjoying retirement in Crawford, Texas, maybe not as much as we are." --David Letterman

"Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It's known as Rancho Inepto." --David Letterman

"Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it's like he's still president." --David Letterman

"But I got to say, so far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There's the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they're settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint — and they don't want to make trouble — but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman

"But moving out, Dick Cheney hurt his back. Did you hear about this? He was packing up his junk and moving out of his office, and he hurt himself. So apparently, the door did just hit him in the ass on the way out." --David Letterman

"Here's a statistic I learned while watching the inauguration — the White House has 16 bedrooms. And the only president to use each and every one of them was Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"The White House also has three kitchens and the only president to use each and every one of them was Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"The state of New York is now back up to full strength in terms of senators, because we have a brand new senator by the name of Kirsten Gillibrand. She is taking Hillary Clinton's old Senate seat, but the appointment took so long and it got so stupid that the people up there in Albany were actually talking about bringing back Spitzer." --David Letterman

"But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it's a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama said today that the reality of becoming president has set in. So it sounds like the mother-in-law has already moved in." --Jay Leno

"It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman at the inauguration last week was not performed live. Well, a lot people were very upset when they heard about this, especially Ashlee Simpson. She said, 'I could have done that gig.'" --Jay Leno

"And a lot of inauguration stuff is hitting the stores, including The Cat and Aretha Franklin's Hat, a new children's book that just came out today." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the do-not-fly list." --Jay Leno

"Well, I mean, what'll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don't want them in their state or their district. Other countries don't want them. Although, today, New York City's Yellow Cab Company said, 'Hey, we'll take them.'" --Jay Leno

"I read today President Obama has made very few changes to the Oval Office itself. He's keeping nearly everything President Bush had in there. Same desk, same chair, same pens. Well, sure, the stuff's like brand new. It was hardly ever used." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He's too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country." --Jay Leno

"Sam Adams, the openly gay mayor of Portland, Oregon, is being investigated for having an affair with a teenage male intern. You know, let me ask you. What happened to the good old days in this country, when if a politician wanted gay sex, by golly, he just tapped his foot three times in the men's room?" --Jay Leno

"And I love this story. Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his clinically depressed poodle. See that's how you know that the French are not fighters, okay? When their leader is attacked by a maniacal poodle." --Jay Leno

"Citigroup just got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. You know, if there's ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay. That's our jet! We should be taking that. They should be on Southwest." --Jay Leno

"And Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's impeachment trial got under way today. But he was not there. He didn't go. He went on 'The View' instead, which is a pretty smart move, because it will help his case when he pleads insanity." --Jay Leno

"
Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, 'I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I'll tell you about it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Looks like the Obamas have already helped the economy. J. Crew stock has gone up 10%, because First Lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mr. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?" --Conan O'Brien

"Aretha Franklin, who sang at the inaugural, says she's not happy with her performance. She says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Yeah. Yeah, Aretha says she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat." --Conan O'Brien

"This news just came out. When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they apparently showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Yeah, word has it the video got them most of the way through take-off." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate, Kirsten Gillibrand, showed up to their joint press conference sporting a Hillary hairstyle and a nearly identical pantsuit, which explains why Bill Clinton was heard screaming, 'Good Lord, there's two of them!'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for America, everybody, but it is a bad day for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, whose impeachment began today. It turns out that Blagojevich said he had considered Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That's ridiculous! Oprah's way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate, although she has enough money to buy the seat." --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Guantanamo Baywatch- The Final Season
Daily Show: Jimmy Carter Interview
Daily Show: Blagojevich: Scumdog Million-Hairs Impeachment

Jan. 23, 2009

"I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back." --Jay Leno

"The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony." --Jay Leno

"You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That's never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel 'The View.'" --Jay Leno

"After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it's gonna be on Verizon." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it's a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They're calling it a 'BarackBerry.' This is true. It doesn't even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barack Obama has become known as the first wired president, because of all his high-tech skills. And I think he showed that during the inaugural address, especially when he said, 'By working together, we can turn our enemies into our BFFs." ... Best friends forever." --Jay Leno

"Here's some interesting gossip. The New York Daily News says that Michelle Obama didn't wear her wedding ring to the inaugural balls because it didn't match her outfit. See, women can do that, huh? Imagine a guy trying to get away with that. A guy comes home, he's not wearing his wedding ring. 'Where's your ring?' 'You know, it clashed with my shirt.' Please, please." --Jay Leno

"Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid to fill New York's vacant Senate seat. You heard about this? According to some reports, she dropped out because of marital problems. How bad is your marriage when it keeps you from replacing Hillary?" --Jay Leno

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, his impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday. You know, so, it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They have one politician sitting in the White House, the other one sitting in the big house. It's a wash, pretty much." --Jay Leno

Jan. 22, 2009

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: FOX News Fear Imbalance
Daily Show: Obama Closing Gitmo
Daily Show: Gitmo's World: Death to America
Colbert Report: Near-President Obama

Jan. 21, 2009

"Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they'll be no monologue." --Jay Leno

"And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, 'Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin's hat." --Jay Leno

"Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to." --Jay Leno
 
"And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there." --Jay Leno

"No, apparently the chief justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully." --Jay Leno

"And in his speech yesterday, Barack Obama promised to harness the sun, the wind, and the soil, to which the Amish said, 'Yeah, it's a big change. Yeah, we'll get on that right away. Yeah, Ezekiel and I haven't been doing that.'" --Jay Leno

"The total cost of the inauguration was $170 million. They say this is the most of the expensive celebration since that last AIG retreat on our bailout money." --Jay Leno

"Did you see former Vice President Cheney in the wheelchair? He's fine, nothing to worry about. See, Cheney is very calculating. Apparently, he drove his own car, and he grabbed the wheelchair so he could take a handicap space." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday had the largest gathering of celebrities for any inauguration ever. In fact, there were so many celebrities and politicians together, it broke the old record set by the Betty Ford Clinic." --Jay Leno

"And Michele Obama's inaugural ball gown, which she wore during the first dance -- beautiful gown -- was created by a designer with the last name of Wu, which is a great name for a designer, isn't it? Because when you walk in, people go 'woo!' You know, Wu is so much more fortunate than that other designer, Elliott Eh." --Jay Leno

"ABC News reporting that backstage, President Jimmy Carter appeared to snub President Clinton on his way out to the platform. Anybody notice that? Apparently, Carter's upset Clinton rejected his friend request on Facebook." --Jay Leno

"And at the congressional luncheon held after he took office, President Obama asked lawmakers to reflect on what we know is in the hearts of the American people. Turns out, it's grease, fat, and lots of cholesterol." --Jay Leno

"Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn't tell a lie, right?" --Jay Leno

"Treasury secretary nominee Timothy Geithner apologized to Congress today for not paying his taxes. And Wesley Snipes said, 'Why didn't I think of that? Hey, I'm sorry.'' --Jay Leno

"Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his failure to pay taxes was just a 'careless mistake.' See, remember it was an honest mistake last week, now it's a 'careless mistake.' He says he does his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that's great. So the guy who's going to be in charge of the IRS is not a criminal, phew, just incompetent." --Jay Leno

"And the show 'Dancing With the Stars' trying to get Cindy McCain on the program. How about that? Not to be outdone, John McCain's been offered a part in the show 'Bones.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, millions of people leaving Washington following Tuesday's inauguration. Actually, so many people are trying to leave that all the Amtrak trains are sold out. So, apparently, Barack Obama can work miracles." --Conan O'Brien

"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn't really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways."  --Conan O'Brien

"Today, in one of his first official acts as president, Barack Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisors to find out just, you know, what the situation is. And, apparently, it didn't go well, because after the meeting, Obama sold North and South Dakota." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, at Barack Obama's inauguration, he was sworn in on an old Bible that was used by Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, and the weird part is, Lincoln checked the Bible out of a library. There are $73,000 in late fees." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, this is weird, vendors along the parade route were selling binoculars that they called 'Barackulars.' That's true. And even worse, the ShamWow guy was selling 'ShamWowbamas.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next 'Batman' movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama got his new limousine. It has all the latest technology, although they did take out President Bush's favorite piece of technology, the PlayStation." --Craig Ferguson

"The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Actually, after going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, while their parents were at the inaugural balls, Sasha and Malia Obama, the kids, had their own little party at the White House. They held a scavenger hunt for them and some other kids. And this is the best thing. At the end of the scavenger hunt, they opened door and in a closet waiting for them were the Jonas Brothers. True. I guess they did the same thing with the Bush twins back in 2000, only it was Motley Crue with a tray of Jell-O shots in the closet." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Dance Dance Inauguration
Daily Show: Inauguration Day Unity
Tonight Show: Mo Rocca at the Inauguration
Colbert Report: Obama's Bungled Oath

Jan. 20, 2009

"Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president." --Jay Leno

"You know, it's really fascinating to watch this peaceful transfer of power. Because we're the envy of the world that we're able to do this. I only hope Conan and I can do it just as peacefully." --Jay Leno

"In fact, John McCain said he was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn't it?" --Jay Leno

"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno

"I thought Obama gave a great speech. But I think he may have promised too much, like when he promised to bring the dog from the 'Marley & Me' movie back to life. That seemed over the top to me." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That's the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner." --Jay Leno

"Every single TV network was covering the inauguration, except Fox. They're still doing the recount." --Jay Leno

"Now, if you could not afford to go to the inauguration, there's a perfect way to recreate the experience at home. Here's what you do. You play back the tape of Barack and then you put the air conditioner on full blast, then stand in line for six hours waiting to use your own bathroom." --Jay Leno

"I think Barack Obama missed the perfect opportunity to balance the budget today. Did you see those thousands of port-a-potties? Make them pay toilets, we'd have a surplus by tomorrow."

"And it was cold. It was so cold in Washington, it felt like Hillary's inauguration." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold, Al Gore led a prayer for global warming." --Jay Leno

"In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody's face looked like Nancy Pelosi." --Jay Leno

"And during the inauguration, Washington, D.C., set up prostitution-free zones. Areas where there is no prostitution? Isn't that supposed to be the whole city, huh? I mean, is Washington so corrupt now we just rope off the areas where people actually follow the law?" --Jay Leno

"And Jill Biden, Vice President Joe Biden's wife, slipped on the Oprah Winfrey show when she said, 'Well, you know, Barack Obama actually offered Joe the vice presidency or Secretary of State.' She said she was glad that Joe Biden chose the vice presidency because he would be home with her more often. See, the Secretary of State is out of the country way too much, so Joe Biden went with the vice presidency. His decision led Bill Clinton to say to Joe, 'I owe you, man!' --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"What an historic day, ladies and gentlemen. The whole country was riveted by Barack Obama's inauguration. Two million people were in Washington to watch it, and then everyone else in the country watched it on TV. Yeah, I don't think America's been this excited since they figured out how to put cheese inside pizza crust." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a true story. Some people alongside Barack Obama's inaugural parade route got bored waiting for it to start. So, did you see this? They started doing the electric slide. Yeah, apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable." --Conan O'Brien

"All the living ex-presidents attended the swearing-in ceremony. But did you see this? Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, apparently, thousands of women yelled, 'That's him, officer!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Very cold today in Washington. Yeah. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush's approval rating reached minus 13." --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody was using superlatives today to talk about this historic day, all the broadcasters. During NBC's coverage, Brian Williams said that the inauguration is like the Super Bowl. Yeah. The only difference is that the New York Jets had a chance to go to the inauguration." --Conan O'Brien

"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people's tax returns are being audited." --Conan O'Brien

"
Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama's swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, I tell you something, it's silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all time. We don't know that. All we can say is that he was the worst president so far, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Vice President Cheney was in a wheelchair at the inauguration. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving boxes yesterday. But I don't know if I believe that. In fact, if you look closely, you can see the reason he's in a wheelchair is because his feet turned back into hooves a day before they were supposed to. That was not as it was agreed upon in the pact." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, the 20th of January, in the year of our lord, 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. It was very brave of me to admit that. And you can already feel the change sweeping across this great land as a new era begins. A time of brotherhood when men of different backgrounds and beliefs will come together to marry one another." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, a lot of people thought I didn't want Barack Obama to be president, that is not true. I just didn't want him to be president of America. I thought he could do a great job in Nicaragua. If I am sad, it is only for the Nicaraguans. Lo siento, mis amigos. Lo siento. But this man is now our president, and as an American, I pledge to support him unconditionally, for as long as he remains popular." --Stephen Colbert

"There is one other major figure we would be remiss if we missed. Over the years, we've made our share of jibes at Vice President Dick Cheney's expense, painting him as a ... supervillain, someone out of Dr. Strangelove, but he's more complex than that, he's a human being who is not evil. Oh, are you kidding me? [on screen: Cheney being wheeled out for the festivities in a wheel chair]. A wheelchair? I know you hurt your back, but you might as well get rolled out to the 'Star Wars' imperial march with a white cat in your lap, for God's sakes. A wheelchair? ... That's what happens when you hurt your back when you try and move those man-sized safes by yourself." --Jon Stewart

"And then, things got a little awkward [on screen: the part of Obama's speech where he appears to directly repudiate the policies of the Bush administration]. Barack, he's right behind you! Here is the sad part. You know what Bush is probably thinking during that moment? 'Man, this guy's really sticking it to Clinton!'" --Jon Stewart

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Changefest '09: Obama's Inauguration
Daily Show: Changefest '09: Obama's Speech
Daily Show: Changefest '09: Youth Inaugural Ball
Daily Show: Changefest '09: End of Frat Boy Culture
Colbert Report: Inauguration Breakdown
Colbert Report: How to Be Like Lincoln

Jan. 19, 2009

"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno

"This is also Dick Cheney's last full day in office. Actually, he spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon." --Jay Leno

"And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn't that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week." --Jay Leno

"Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. " --Jay Leno

"And that was quite a pre-inaugural show they put on in Washington yesterday. Then Barack Obama got up and he told the crowd that 'anything is possible in America' except, of course, the Eagles being in the Super Bowl." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno

"In less than 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next President. Yeah. Actually, if I were you -- if I were you, I wouldn't cheer. You'd be surprised how much President Bush can screw up in 12 hours. He just launched an attack on the Bahamas, okay?'" --Conan O'Brien

"They're going nuts in Washington, though. The festivities have already begun. Yesterday, in Washington, Barack Obama was on hand -- did you see this? For performances by Jon Bon Jovi, Garth Brooks and John Mellencamp. Yeah. So, folks, it really is a new era for African-Americans. All the music they love." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, some people are really angry because the festivities for Barack Obama's inauguration, guess what? Are gonna cost $170 million. Yeah, after hearing about it, Oprah said, 'Don't worry. This one's on me.' She put down her Amex card made of plutonium." --Conan O'Brien
 
"Earlier tonight, this is nice, Barack Obama hosted a dinner honoring John McCain. You can tell the dinner was to honor John McCain, because it was over by 4:00 P.M." --Conan O'Brien

"At Washington's Union Station, Ikea has built a replica of the Oval Office where all the furnishing have been replaced with Ikea furniture. Yeah, experts say it finally answers the question, 'What if the President was a 28-year-old divorced guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, this is kind of weird, an illustrator from 'The Washington Post' made a sketch of what Barack Obama might look like after the stress of an eight-year presidency. Unfortunately for Obama, he's gonna look a lot like Grady from 'Sanford and Son.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is winding things down. Yep, today was President Bush's last full day in office. He called the leaders of Denmark, Italy, Russia and South Korea to say, 'thank you.' Yeah, his exact words were, 'thank you for being one of the last four countries that will still take my calls.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?" --Craig Ferguson

"I have inauguration fever. 'Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse." --Craig Ferguson

"The whole country has inauguration fever -- at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs." --Craig Ferguson

"Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room." --Craig Ferguson

Jan. 16-17, 2009

"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno

"In fact, last night, President Bush's speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series 'Kath and Kim.'" Presidential historians are calling this Bush's finest achievement ever, actually." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that's good news." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"And the other thing is, Barack Obama is still trying to get a dog for the kids. You know about that? He promised the little girls they'd get a dog when they moved into the White House. And he's looking for a dog that's loyal, friendly, and also one that can fetch cigarettes." --David Letterman

"And they're talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That's not a dog. That's George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!" --David Letterman

"By the way, finally some financial good news, good news. The federal deficit will ease up now, because Dick Cheney has to pay for his own health care." --David Letterman

"Big interview with Dick Cheney over the weekend. Dick Cheney said that he's ... actually lovable. Dick Cheney. Actually loveable. I'm thinking about this. It really does melt your heart when he flashes that winning sneer." --David Letterman

"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're four days away from Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th president of the United States, and five days away from the biggest hangover of Oprah's life."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation's police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe not." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervous

10. New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say."
9. In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry.
8. He's up to not smoking three packs a day.
7. Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and... no, that's McCain.
6. He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta.
5. Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
4. Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back.
3. Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"
2. Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early.
1. He demanded a recount

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Cheney's Exit Interview
SNL: Gitmo Ad: Going Out Of Business Sale!
SNL: Ann Coulter on Weekend Update
Late-Night Best Jokes of the Week

Jan. 15, 2009

"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno

"Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' are over. Actually, that's not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. 'Don't Ask Us What We Did With It, We're Not Going To Tell You Where It Went.'" --Jay Leno

"And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, 'So is paying taxes.'" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who's been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn't pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that's $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?" --Jay Leno

"Here's how cold it is outside. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama plans to close Guantanamo, you know, the big holding center, the big prison, the interrogation center in Cuba. He is going to close that down. And Dick Cheney - I thought this was interesting - Dick Cheney said, 'Oh, fine, sure, I'm going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.'" --David Letterman

"Bush will leave January 20th. Yes. Will it never get here? Cheney, meanwhile, said, "I'll leave when I damn well feel like it." But that's another story." --David Letterman

"But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat." --David Letterman

"I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let's swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it. --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave his annual State of the State address this morning. And while you might think that after five years in office, he has run out of cute references to his own movies. But he most certainly has not, because he made reference to Conan's sword in today's speech. All that's left is for him to tell the Board of Education about 'Kindergarten Cop,' right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 14, 2009

"Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama also says he wants to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I've got a better idea. Why don't you bring some accountants to Washington, okay? Tell us where the hell our $750 billion went!" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, the new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with a plan to lower taxes. Don't pay them!" --Jay Leno

"In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama's nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he's just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!" --Jay Leno

"A Democratic spokesman called the issue today 'an honest mistake.' How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake?
Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don't pay their taxes, 'Oh, it's an honest mistake.' Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don't pay our taxes? 'Exhibit A for the prosecution.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a horror story. He'll need a ghost writer." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday morning, on the 'Today Show,' they did a big story about Barack Obama's mother-in-law moving into the White House. Basically, they believe she'll be a big help to the family. Not as big a help as it would have been to have Bill Clinton's mother-in-law living in the White House." --Jay Leno

"And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it 'recession pounds.' Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we've been in a recession since 1985, okay?" --Jay Leno

"And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn." --Jay Leno

"Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people." --Jay Leno

"Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign credit card.
Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, 'Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.'" --Jay Leno "Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people were throwing shoes at Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden will not go away. There is a brand new bin Laden tape, and they've authenticated it. They know it's a recent tape because bin Laden describes Salma Hayak as 'smokin' hot' on the Golden Globes." --David Letterman

"One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I'm telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary." --David Letterman

"Today is the ninth anniversary of my quintuple bypass heart surgery, or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'a routine checkup.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush is busy saying good-bye to everybody. Last night he was on Larry King, and I think tomorrow he's making a farewell lasagna with Rachel Ray.
Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel." --David Letterman

"Last night, Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, 'My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.' Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, 'What was your greatest achievement as President?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. They've had a few meetings and he's giving Obama advice. Yeah. President Bush has told Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack. Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way, it seems fitting to me that President Bush would leave Washington, DC, in a state of emergency on the day he leaves office." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I like that the President doesn't know where his money is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is either, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 13, 2009

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno

"Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.'" --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter - remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?" --Jay Leno

"One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it's interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She's going to leave town, you see." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"One week left of President Bush. It's hard to believe we've had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences, because the press didn't ever really understand him, mostly because he makes up his own words [on screen: Bush saying he respects the White House Press Corps, even though he didn't like the stories they wrote. He always said sometimes they 'misunderestimated' him]. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn't make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

"For the past eight years, George W. Bush has done his level best to remain entirely unaccountable to the American people. A record number of signing statements, claims of blanket executive privilege for aids, 47 press conferences versus 77 vacations! If ever you thought there was a guy who was just going to back out of the room quietly at the end of his term, this is the guy! But apparently that's not our George. Over the past few weeks, this president is suddenly doing press as though January 20 is the day his album drops. ABC, NBC, CNN, Fox News Sunday, Fox News regular day, 'Fox and Friends,' red fox, the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. All with one important message: [on screen: Bush saying he is 'proud of the accomplishments' of this administration, and that he 'wouldn't worry' about popularity]. Translation: I'm great, you suck. Apparently, President Bush will continue to appear on as many television outlets as it takes to convince us that he does not care what we think. And do you know why? [on screen: Bush saying he read a lot about Abraham Lincoln during his presidency, and he said there were harsh words said about Lincoln while he was president, just like Bush during his presidency]. Yes, no matter what Lincoln did, it seemed that half the country just hated him [on screen: a photo of the Confederate flag and the American flag]. Mr. Still-President, I guess the assumption here is that Lincoln was vindicated by history and that you, too, will be vindicated by history. But I think the problem is you've narrowed your reading list too strictly. For instance, I've got a book, written last year, called 'Warren G. Harding: Even in Retrospect, That Guy Sucked.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

[On screen: Bush saying he 'thought long and hard' about Hurricane Katrina, and whether he could have done anything differently]. Shown a modicum of concern? Come back from your vacation? Not tell the head of FEMA what a great job he was doing? Not have that guy as the head of FEMA? So there could have been some coordination of relief efforts, not pretend that no one knew there was a potential of levees overtopping, that kind of stuff [on screen: Bush asking, at his final press conference, whether he could have done something differently about Katrina, like landing Air Force One in Baton Rouge or New Orleans when security would have been taken away from those cities to watch over him]. You have no idea why people are mad at you about Katrina, do you? You thought it was the plane-landing flyover? You're like a guy whose wife comes home and catches you banging her sister, and you think she's mad at you for not telling her you were coming home early." --Jon Stewart

"But it's nice to know that there is one person untroubled by the Bush presidency [on screen: Bush saying he gave the presidency his 'all' for eight years and he didn't 'sell his soul for the sake of popularity']. You didn't need to! You sold ours." --Jon Stewart

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Bush's Unaccountability
Daily Show: Sarah Palin: Blamey Whinehouse
Tuesday's Best Jokes

Jan. 12, 2009

"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview that was taped yesterday, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency was the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that was just at the Christmas dinner with his family." --Jay Leno

"Well, all across the country, this is kind of sad, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It's gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can't function. I got an idea. Why don't you hire more people? They're right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!" --Jay Leno

"Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, 'Do these pants make me look like we're in a recession?,' be careful what you say." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the Illinois House voted to impeach Rod Blah-son-of-a-bitch? I get his name wrong. Blagojevich. I'm sorry! I'm sorry. They voted 114-1. Yeah. Shows you how cocky this guy is, he's now asking for a recount. Yeah. Says he could beat it on the recount." --Jay Leno

"Is it cold outside? Yeah! Here's how cold it is. It is so cold in the Midwest, out there in Chicago, Governor Blagojevich had to put the ear flaps down on his hair." --David Letterman

"It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman

"President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown." --David Letterman

"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the 'Late Show.' We're going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

"But the White House dog has to be sociable, has to be friendly, has to be trainable. And yes, those are the same qualities President Clinton looked for in an intern." --David Letterman

"Today, I have to say, it's been a roller coaster of emotion for me. This morning, the president gave a press conference, which always has me at the edge of my seat. They're like the Olympics. They happen once every four years, and you're pretty sure, in the end, China is going to win. But this one was particularly bittersweet, folks, because it was President Bush's last [on screen: the crowd cheers]. No, shh, shh. Don't hide your grief. Has it really been eight years? It seems that just yesterday, he was a young Texas governor with an impressive record. He'd won over almost as many voters as he had executed. I never thought the end of the Bush presidency would come so soon. But today, I had to begin the painful process of saying hello to good-bye." --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: President Goofus and President Gallant
Daily Show: Blagojevich: Scumdog Million Hairs
Daily Show: Pundit School
Colbert Report: Bush's Last Press Conference

Jan. 9-10, 2009

"Here's good news, President-elect Barack Obama and his family have actually now moved into Washington, DC, this week. Their stuff arrived via U-Haul One." --David Letterman

"And Vice President Dick Cheney is leaving Washington [on screen: audience cheers and claps]. Now, how is that going to make him feel? He's here tonight." --David Letterman

"Yeah, but Cheney was busy packing earlier today. He bubble wrapped his water board." --David Letterman

"But Cheney was kind of fun about it. He said that, you know, he only has a couple of days left as the vice president, but he's planning to squeeze in one final heart attack." --David Letterman

"Hey, here's great news. Remember Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, governor of Alaska? Well, she has a new grandson. New baby grandson, that's right. And the new baby boy's name is Tripp. Apparently 'Oops' was taken." --David Letterman

"But the governor was very excited. She brought the grandson over to her house and held it up to the window so the Russians could get a look at it." --David Letterman

"But it was quite an event. The baby was delivered by Joe the obstetrician." --David Letterman

"The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?" --Jay Leno

"Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. So apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person. There's just not enough money there anymore!" --Jay Leno

"And Blagojevich held a press conference. Did you see his press conference? I love this. He quoted the British poet Tennyson. He quoted Tennyson, which was weird, because usually he quotes the movie 'Jerry Maguire.' 'Show me the money!'" --Jay Leno

"And, you know, I don't think he gets it. When he found out he was impeached, Blagojevich said he has a replacement governor already picked out. He's got somebody ready to move in." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you all see Barack Obama's speech about the economy yesterday? Very sobering. He told Washington, 'We've arrived at this point due to an era of profound irresponsibility.' Of course, there's only one way out of it. Spend more money we don't have." --Jay Leno

"You know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is moving into the White House with them? Well, if that doesn't get him to solve the economic crisis, nothing will. 'We'll get your own place, Ma. Don't worry!'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the picture of all the ex-presidents? Very impressive standing there. And they all had lunch together. And Barack Obama, you know this guy is nothing if not eloquent. Barack said that the men he met with, these presidents all understood both the pressures and the possibilities of the office of the office of the presidency. But of all of them, Bill Clinton was the only one who really understood the possibilities." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something good for the environment. President Bush recently declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments. Again, you see, I don't think President Bush understands the impact of some of these things. When officials told him this would create the largest marine reserve in the world, he said, 'Great, let's get some of them to Iraq and Afghanistan. Let's see if we can send them over there.'" --Jay Leno

"On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come, in an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous 'I Had a Bad Dream' speech." --Seth Meyers

"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers

"Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth Meyers

"During the meeting, Bill Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, 'I love this rug.' Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle." --Seth Meyers

"On Friday, the Illinois House voted 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich on charges that he tried to sell the Senate seat. The sole dissenting vote was cast by first-term representative Smodge Magojevich." --Seth Meyers

"Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm."

"Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, President-elect Barack Obama said this week that he is unwilling to give up his BlackBerry, sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his Leap Frog." --Seth Meyers

"The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff." --Seth Meyers

"The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was impeached today by the state legislature while he was out for a jog. That's why I don't jog, you never know what could happen. ... He was impeached today on one charge of corruption and three charges of helmet hair" --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Rachel Maddow Interviews Blago and Burris
Daily Show: Weekly Recap
Highlight Reel: Late-Night Jokes of the Week

Jan. 8, 2009

"Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it's not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money." --David Letterman

"Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington? I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats. You know where they put me? I'm right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich." --David Letterman

"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman

"It looks like Barack Obama wants the surgeon general to be Sanjay Gupta, the TV doctor. Are you familiar with Sanjay? I went to see him a couple of years ago because I had an inflamed gupta." --David Letterman

"But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing - the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches." --David Letterman

"There was a historic meeting in Washington this week. Yesterday, Barack Obama and all the presidents met at the Oval Office. Did you see it? All the living ex-presidents were there. Jimmy Carter, George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney. All of them were there." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward, because Barack Obama didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common." --Jay Leno

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it's about time. Don't you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch 'Dancing with the Stars' openly." --Jay Leno

"I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe." --Jay Leno

"And the World Health Organization announced this week a new outbreak of the bird flu. Quite serious. The bird flu is the most threatening bird-related disease, I guess, since the invention of the Chicken McNuggets." --Jay Leno

"ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It's called 'Homeland Security USA,' or, as they call it in Afghanistan, 'the Terrorist Learning Channel.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, that's the name of the show: 'Homeland Security USA.' I think that's better than the original title, which was 'Hey, Not So Fast, Ahmed.'" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, 'Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or seven words.'" --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, 'Thanks, but we'll stick to downloading porn.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, during his speech, it's interesting, Barack Obama said, 'It will soon be too late to change course if we don't take dramatic action as soon as possible.' It's a quote, yeah. And Obama said the same thing about NBC's prime-time lineup." --Conan O'Brien

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien

"Marvel Comics just announced that President-elect Obama is going to be featured in an upcoming edition of 'Spider-Man.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'Okay, now I'm jealous. He gets to meet Spidey.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is kind of cool. In Washington, the National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. Yeah. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men." --Conan O'Brien

"It was an exciting day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new, gold-rimmed official state china that cost $493,000. But don't worry, it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who would donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she'd been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. But it's probably for the best. You can't trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Bushes, by the way, aren't the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan and Clinton all had it, too. Though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill. One time she really nailed him with a gravy boat. So that's missing too. But I'll tell you something, nothing, to me, says recession like spending half a million dollars on dinnerware." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is interesting [on screen: a photo of Obama, shirtless in Hawaii]. This is a picture of Barack Obama vacationing in Hawaii over the holidays. He was coming out of a gym, and got a lot of attention because I don't know that any of us have ever seen a president's nipples before." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 7, 2009

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee's blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

"Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? " --David Letterman

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman

"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman

"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat. But Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They've never, ever waivered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they've waved rules against, you know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, 'Don't you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'" --Jay Leno

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting an 'extraordinary gathering.' In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and President-elect Barack Obama did have a historic lunch with the three former presidents. Yeah. Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date. " --Conan O'Brien

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says 'hope for the future' like General Motors. ... The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently." --Conan O'Brien

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, some political experts were really surprised that Obama's pick for surgeon general is mainly known for talking about health care on television, but apparently Obama got the idea from President Bush, who once tried to appoint the cast of 'Scrubs.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what they talked about behind closed doors, but the presidents didn't have much to talk about in front of the cameras. Listen to Clinton here trying to make small talk with President Bush [on screen: Clinton tells Bush that he loves the rug he selected for the Oval Office]. He said 'I love this rug.' In other words, note to Obama, you might want to get that thing dry cleaned." --Jimmy Kimmel

"What has happened to Obama's transition? What a mess! I mean, the next four years are going to be a disaster! Oh, America's finished. Last week, Obama's choice for commerce secretary, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, withdrew his nomination due to an on going investigation into charges he was smuggling another face under his face [on screen: an unflattering photo of Richardson where he appears to have a double chin]. Now, like any administration official who steps down, Richardson is sure to write a tell-all book, a blistering account of his two weeks deep inside the Obama administration [on screen: a fake copy of Richardson's 'new book,' called 'Fortnight in History']. Maybe he'll spill the beans about his one phone call with the president-elect. Did his call waiting beep? And perhaps we'll finally find out who's responsible for the faulty intelligence he received that bolo ties are cool." --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at the Presidents' Lunch

10. Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore.
9. If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday.
8. Laura! More Mountain Dew!
7. You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
6. Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!
5. Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!
4. Kissey kissey.
3. Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt.
2. Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?
1. I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama Girls' First Day at School
Daily Show: Rachel Maddow Interview
Colbert: The Word - Statue of Liberty

Jan. 6, 2009

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Crisis in the Senate
Daily Show: Obama's Change of Address
Colbert Report: Ponzi Schemes

Jan. 5, 2009

"Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I'm thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of that, you know?" --David Letterman

"Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that's just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago and headed for Washington, D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sold Obama's house." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Barack Obama's daughters started at their new school in Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level." --Conan O'Brien

"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of an awkward moment. They asked President Bush what his New Years resolution was, and he said, 'Well, sure, our government needs work, but there's no reason to start a resolution.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, Israel is at war with Hamas. Israel says the reason they attacked Gaza was, they were sick of being hit by Palestinian missiles. You know who is really tired of it? The manager of the Target store in Jerusalem. He's fed up." --Jay Leno

"And a special holiday message was delivered by the Iranian president. It aired on British TV Christmas Day, and in this message, the Iranian president said that if Jesus were alive today, he would be standing next to him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure Jesus would be wearing an 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt, too." --Jay Leno

"And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'" --Jay Leno

"And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first full day in Washington since coming back from his vacation in Hawaii, but no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced this weekend that he is withdrawing his nomination to be Commerce Secretary because of a grand jury investigation involving some of his political donors. And once again, President Bush, not really following this story. Like, when he heard there was a problem with the governor of New Mexico, he said, 'Well, he should be deported.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Report: Alan Colmes Joins Colbert
Daily Show: Gaza Strip Maul
Daily Show: David Gregory Interview

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

See also:
Late-Night Joke Archive
2008 Campaign Jokes
George Bush Jokes

Related Video
30 Days of Night Cast Interviews
Melissa George Interview - 30 Days of Night Premiere

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