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Funny Quotes About Bill Clinton
Witty Quips From the Clinton Years
 More Bill Clinton Humor
Bill Clinton Humor Archive
Bill Clinton Cartoons
Clinton Scandals Quiz
Late-Night Jokes: Clinton's Post-Presidential Escapades
Late-Night Jokes: Clinton's White House Exit Scandals
Monica Lewinsky Scandal Humor
Funny Clinton Quotes
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Today's Quotes
Today's Late-Night Jokes

"Hell, if you work for Bill Clinton, you go up and down more times than a whore's nightgown." —James Carville

"If President Reagan could be an actor and become president, maybe I could become an actor. I've got a good pension. I can work for cheap." —Bill Clinton, speaking at a Hollywood fundraiser

"I wouldn't want any unneutered Clintons in my house." Former Labor Secretary nominee Linda Chavez, wondering about the reproductive status of Socks the cat, whom she has offered to adopt

"It's the first time Clinton has ever rejected p---y in his life" G. Gordon Liddy, on reports that the Clintons were giving away First Cat Socks to Betty Currie

"I don't think anybody will have anything to say about it if I spend a night with my wife." President Clinton, on making trips to Washington

This comes courtesy of The Hotline:

Shot: "Clinton's only steady companions in Chappaqua are his dog, Buddy, and a former White House valet who has helped him learn modern skills he never needed to master before: getting cash from an ATM, operating his PalmPilot, even putting a phone call on hold" (Chicago Sun-Times, 3/19/01).
Chaser: "While the President was on the telephone, according to Ms. Lewinsky, 'he unzipped his pants and exposed himself,' and she performed oral sex" (The Starr Report, 3/98).

"All content submitted for use on the Clinton Presidential Center becomes property of the Center and cannot be returned ... We will not accept materials of a prurient quality." Submission guidelines for Clinton's Web site

"I know about the Salem Witch Trials; I could sort of identify with those witches." —President Clinton, speaking at Salem State College

"He's going around the country ... basically thanking himself for being our president." MSNBC's Chris Matthews on Clinton's farewell tour

"I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years." —Bill Clinton

"I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the federal prison system." —Bill Clinton, on life in the White House

"Once I was deflowered, they weren’t interested in me." —Bill Clinton, who, when touring a citadel in India, had been followed by a group of monkeys until he shed his garland

"She can reconstruct her face, her hair, and her body, but she will always be revolting to me." —Monica Lewinsky, on Linda Tripp's makeover

"Last year, the vice president launched a new effort to help make communities more liberal." —Bill Clinton, attempting to praise Al Gore during his 2000 State of the Union Speech. He meant to say "more livable," and made the same slip-up in a subsequent sentence, drawing uproarious laughter from Republicans

"What's a man got to do to get in the top fifty?" —Bill Clinton, reacting to a survey of journalists that ranked the Lewinsky scandal at the 53rd most significant story of the century

"Last time I saw (Clinton) he was swinging on the chandelier in the Oval Office with a brassiere around his head, Viagra in one hand and a Bible in the other, and he was torn between good and evil." —Congressman James Traficant, Jr. (D-Oh.)

"If the dress doesn't fit, we must acquit. If it's on the dress, he must confess." —Congressman James Traficant, Jr. 

"If I were, I would be looking up from a pool of blood and hearing (my wife ask), 'How do I reload this thing?'" — Congressman Dick Armey (R-Tex.), asked during the Monica Lewinsky scandal what he would do if he were in Clinton's position.

"Say what you want about the President, but we know his friends have convictions." —Congressman Dick Armey (R-Tex.), on President Clinton

"The president looked me in the eye and told me the same thing on several occasions. And I'm not upset. You want to know why? Because I never believed him in the first place." —Sen. Robert Torricelli, on Bill Clinton's denials of an affair with Monica Lewinsky

"UNTIED States Senator" —special Parker Vector pens given out to U.S. senators signing to "pledge impartial justice" in Clinton's impeachment trial. The pen order was reprinted by Parker.

"God almighty, take the vote and get it over with!" —Private citizen Richard Llamas, shouting from the Senate gallery during President Clinton's impeachment trail. He was removed from the chamber and arrested.

"As with mosquitoes, horseflies, and most bloodsucking parasites, Kenneth Starr was spawned in stagnant water." —James Carville

"I'd be happy to give him a blow job just to thank him for keeping abortion legal." —Nina Burleigh, former White House correspondent for Time magazine, in an interview with the Washington Post. She was elaborating on an article she wrote in Mirabella magazine, in which she admitted that she enjoyed having Bill Clinton check out her naked legs during a game of hearts aboard Air Force One. "If he had asked me to continue the game of hearts back in his room at the Jasper Holiday Inn," she wrote, "I would have been happy to go there and see what happened."

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." —Monica Lewinsky, on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss.

"Drag a hundred-dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you'll find." —James Carville, responding to Paula Jones' sexual harassment allegations against Bill Clinton

"Maybe we can send him some of those little M&M's with the presidential seal on them." —Mike McCurry, former Clinton press secretary, responding to Newt Gingrich's complaint about being made to sit at the back of Air Force One

"The use of a two-syllable vulgarity by the chairman was rather ambitious." —Mike McCurry, referring to Republican Congressman Dan Burton, who called Bill Clinton "a scumbag."

"You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy" —Bill Clinton, looking at "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum

"Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he's been fucking." —Mike McCurry, making an off-the-cuff joke to reporters

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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