More Bill Clinton Humor • Bill Clinton Humor Archive • Bill Clinton Cartoons • Clinton Scandals Quiz • Late-Night Jokes: Clinton's Post-Presidential Escapades • Monica Lewinsky Scandal Humor • Funny Clinton Quotes

Related Resources • Today's Late-Night Jokes • Late-Night Joke Archive • Funny Political Quotes • Today's Quotes

"Clinton is crazy. When he moved out, you know, I mean, he — honest to God — they just, he took everything he hadn't nailed." —David Letterman

"How many of you remember President Clinton? You wouldn't have thought it looking at President Clinton that he liked art, but he and his wife Hillary stole about 70 pieces. In fact, the only still life he didn't take was Al Gore." —David Letterman

"In a New York Times column this past Sunday, Bill Clinton defended himself with his Marc Rich pardon, claiming there was no quid pro quo. You know, as opposed to his usual scandals where he claims there's no 'quid pro ho.'" —Jay Leno

"Remember President Clinton? He had to go to London over there to pick up another quarter of a million dollar speaking fee. And he had to fly commercial for the first time, and I am thinking 'Wait a minute? Isn't that a violation of his parole?'" —David Letterman 

"It would be funny if it wasn't so sad — getting off the plane. See Clinton, he thinks that he is on Air Force One, so he gets off the plane and out of force of habit, he steals the pillows and the earphones and the chairs and the flight attendant and the landing gear and the cockpit and the lavatory and the in-flight movie and the flaps and the vertical stabilizers, the reverse thrusters." —David Letterman

"Clinton flew to Europe yesterday to give a series of lectures. Hey, wouldn't it be great for revenge if while the Clintons were out of town the Bushes snuck into their house in Chappaqua and stole all the furniture back?" —Jay Leno

"Dan Burton was so morally outraged about this pardon business, he almost forgot to send his love child a birthday card." —Jay Leno, on the Republican congressman leading the investigation into Clinton's pardons

"President Clinton is still in the news. The man who will not go away. In a new poll, 47 percent of New Yorkers said they would like former President Clinton to run for mayor of New York. Apparently, this is the same 47 percent of New Yorkers that were pardoned by him." —Conan O'Brien

"They say now that Clinton is stealing the spotlight from George Bush. I'm thinking 'Well, sure. He also stole the coffee maker, the fax machine, the computer..." —David Letterman

"Regarding the recent scandals President Clinton said today that the truth will prevail. Boy, he must be getting desperate if he is considering the truth." —Jay Leno

"How many of you remember President Clinton? You wouldn't have thought it looking at President Clinton that he liked art, but he and his wife Hillary stole about 70 pieces. In fact, the only still life he didn't take was Al Gore." —David Letterman

"This pardon thing just gets worse and worse. The latest thing is that the Secret Service records show that Denise Rich and a female friend visited President Clinton in the White House the night he gave the pardon. Apparently somebody got secretly serviced." —Jay Leno

"James Carville — one of those guys you always see on CNN, which is of course now the Clinton News Network, he said he didn't worry about Bill Clinton because Bill is the Come-Back Kid. Here is my question; How can you make a comeback when you won't go away?" —Jay Leno

"The National Enquirer, they claim that Denise Rich and Bill Clinton had an affair. Yeah, I'm shocked too. Cheating on his interns! That's awful." —Jay Leno

Bob Dole (to Late Night host Conan O'Brien): "I like your furniture. I've seen furniture like this in the White House. Has Hillary been here?" O'Brien: "Did they really take noticeable stuff from the White House?" Dole: "George Bush invited me to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom last week, and I got there and there wasn't any bed. I don't know what happened to it. It's probably up here somewhere."

"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" —Jay Leno

"President Clinton was featured in a foreign documentary. He was nominated for an Academy Award. Did you hear this? I believe it is called 'Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa.'" —David Letterman

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" —Jay Leno

"What is going on with those two? The Clintons have replaced the Sopranos as America's favorite TV crime family." —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's brother Hugh Rodham allegedly took $400,000 in exchange for two pardons. This is the most embarrassing incident the Clintons have had all week. Of course, this is great news for Roger Clinton. Now, he is no longer the most embarrassing Presidential relative. ... Today, Hillary asked him to return the money. He said he couldn't because he spent the whole 400 grand at the Krispy Kreme doughnut store. ... That is one thing about the Bush family: Jeb didn't take any money for fixing the Florida election. He did it for free." —Jay Leno

"In a New York Times column this past Sunday, Bill Clinton defended himself with his Marc Rich pardon, claiming there was no quid pro quo. You know, as opposed to his usual scandals where he claims there's no 'quid pro ho.'" —Jay Leno

"They say now that Clinton is stealing the spotlight from George Bush. I'm thinking 'Well, sure. He also stole the coffee maker, the fax machine, the computer..." —David Letterman

"Clinton is now involved in so many scandals, you know, right now more than ever. He's involved in so many scandals. Nobody would notice. This is a great time for this guy because right now nobody would notice if he sneaked in a little sex." —David Letterman

"Roger Clinton was arrested for driving under the influence. Apparently, he was weaving and went off the road up onto somebody's lawn. Police wouldn't say what his blood alcohol level was but they did say it was somewhere between a Kennedy and a Yeltsin. Of course, being a typical Clinton, today he blamed the whole thing on a vast right-curb conspiracy." —Jay Leno

"This kind of thing could really tarnish the Clinton legacy, if you ask me. Brother Roger was also distraught saying, 'Oh God, now people are going to associate me with him again.'" —Craig Kilborn

"You know where Clinton is this week? He's in New Orleans. He made a speech there last night. Clinton is in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Is this an accident waiting to happen now? ... You thought they called it 'the big easy' before. Oh, my God! ... Here's a married guy who had sex in the Oval Office with a teenager in the middle of the week. What the hell is he going to do at Mardi Gras?" —Jay Leno

"This kind of thing could really tarnish the Clinton legacy, if you ask me. Brother Roger was also distraught saying, 'Oh God, now people are going to associate me with him again.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Wednesday Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some $28,000 worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-president stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower as many of the items were 'stained.'" —Jimmy Fallon, on SNL's "Weekend Update"

"This week Clinton has proven why they call him 'the comeback kid.' You know? I mean every time people see him they go, 'Hey, come back with that table! Hey!'" —Jay Leno

"Last night, former President Clinton made his debut as a citizen speaker. Did quite well. His spokesman said he is getting over 100 requests a week for paid appearances. So far, he has turned pretty much everything down, though he is mulling over an appearance in the 'Vagina Monologues.'" —Bill Maher

"There is all this controversy over Clinton's office space. Here is my question; why does he even need an office? He doesn't have a job. Shouldn't you get a job first, then worry about an office? An office with no job? It is like he's vice president now." —Jay Leno

"Is it me or is Clinton in the paper more now than when he was president? Doesn't it seem that way? Isn't this whole thing with Clinton — it's like a big messy divorce, isn't it? We're arguing over who gets the furniture, which one's going to take the cat, how much is the rent on the new place. I mean, Clinton's like our national ex-wife. He keeps calling; he won't go away." —Jay Leno

"Today, (Ariel) Sharon got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush, and Ehud Barak got a phone call from former President Bill Clinton who said, 'Take the furniture.'" —David Letterman, on Israel's election

"The Clintons are being criticized for taking furnishings from the White House including sofas and tables. I don't know how much stuff they took, but I understand at their home in Chappaqua you can still sleep in the Lincoln bedroom. ... I guess that is two commandments that Clinton seems to have trouble following." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton made his first paid public appearance Monday at a corporate event in Florida. For his efforts, the ex-president took home a $100,000 speaking fee, four tables, a dozen folding chairs, the overhead projector and some couches." —Jimmy Fallon, on SNL's "Weekend Update"

"Apparently Clinton and Gore had a very mean little fight after Gore lost the election, and they blamed each other. Clinton blamed Gore for not running on the administration's record and Gore blamed Clinton for his integrity issues, which Clinton apparently really still does  not understand because his last words to Al Gore were, 'Hey, give me a hand with this couch.'" —Politically Incorrect host Bill Maher

"George W. Bush is letting President Clinton leave on Air Force One. He's also going to let him use flight attendant Connie." —David Letterman

"Can you believe there's only two days left in the Clinton administration? Boy, time flies when you're having sex." —Jay Leno

"President Clinton will be moving out of the White House next week, and when he does he is excepted to be the first President in history not to get his security deposit back." —SNL Weekend Update anchor Jimmy Fallon

"You can be Vice President in the most prosperous time in America, run against a dumb guy, get more votes and still lose." —The #2 item on David Letterman's list of the Top Ten Things We've Learned From The Clinton Years

"According to a new study by a professor at the University of Minnesota., Bill Clinton is considered one of the most intelligent presidents we've ever had, IQ-wise. What's even more impressive is if you consider what he was thinking with most of the time." —Jay Leno

"Jackson was carrying on his affair with Sanford while he was counseling President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. In fact, he even brought his pregnant mistress to the White House, one can only assume to show off to Clinton how to properly destroy one's career and reputation." —Jon Stewart

"Bill Clinton is looking for a place to live here in Manhattan. I think it'd be nice to have a former president living here. He's up in the Upper East side. He's looking for an apartment in that very exclusive building, 'One Impeachment Plaza.'" —David Letterman

"President Clinton made a deal so he wouldn't be prosecuted … Not only that, all the sex charges against him have been plea-bargained down to practicing gynecology without a license." —Jay Leno

"Here's a great rumor. According to the Drudge Report, NBC is in discussions with President Clinton about developing a talk show for him on their network. It will be like 'Meet the Press,' except with Clinton it will be called 'Press the Meat.'" —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." —David Letterman

"Even the President's pets are moving out. Socks the cat is going to be living with the President's press secretary Betty Currie; Buddy the dog will be moving in with Bill and Hillary. Bill Clinton today said he is still looking for a good home for Al Gore." —Jay Leno

"Clinton made a stop in Chicago yesterday continuing his cross-country farewell tour as the president. Clinton's nationwide farewell tour should in no way be confused with Al Gore's recent farewell tour, I mean, election campaign. ... The tour was an emotional one, as it may be the last time for thousands of young Americans to see their father." —Craig Kilborn

"In just two weeks, Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters." —Jay Leno

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." —Jay Leno

"Clinton is saying he's going to model his after-presidential life after Jimmy Carter. He'll be doing a lot of hammering and a lot of nailing, but he ain't building houses." —David Letterman

"We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector." —David Letterman

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

For late-night jokes about Clinton's post-presidential escapades, click here.

Related Links
• Bill Clinton Humor Archive
• Today's Late-Night Jokes
• Late-Night Joke Archive
• Funny Political Quotes