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Congress Jokes
Late-Night Jokes About the U.S. Congress
 
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"In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay." —Conan O'Brien

"Here's an interesting figure, 43 percent of the incoming Congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats." —Jay Leno

"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Congress had to get into the act. On Wednesday, they stopped work so they could all gather together and sing 'God Bless America' waving little American flags. Of course, they were just happy they managed to get through another war without having to vote on it." —Bill Maher

"The latest documents released this week showed that priests with drug, alcohol and sexual abuse problems continued in the ministry as recently as two years ago. That doesn't sound like a church, it sounds like Congress with holy water." —Jay Leno

"How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise

"President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death." —Jay Leno

"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze." —Jay Leno

"Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word 'constitution' and adding the word 'shmonstitution' to the end of it." —Jon Stewart

"Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there." —Jay Leno

"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." —Jay Leno

"Congress just voted to give themselves a pay raise. This is their fourth pay raise in four years. And yesterday ... Leader Dick Armey -- he defended the congressional pay raise. He said Congress works hard. And all that hard work has certainly paid off, huh? Let's recognize a job well done. We are at war, terrorists are all over the place, Wall Street collapsing, people are out of work, retirement funds are gone. ... I got an idea, let's put Congress on commission, they don't get paid until they do something right." —Jay Leno

"This afternoon in Washington, 11 congressional pages were fired after they were caught smoking marijuana. A spokesperson for Congress said, 'We knew something was wrong when we smelled something funny and it wasn't Strom Thurmond.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Missouri Congresswomen Karen McCarthy announced she will enter rehab after she fell down drunk in Congress after a big vote. ... Who says women can't hold the same jobs as men?" —Jay Leno

"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels." —Dennis Miller

"Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous." —Jay Leno

"Which side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy." Stephen Colbert, from the "Daily Show's" coverage of "Indecision 2002"

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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