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Browse Recent Monologue Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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See Also:
The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
The Late-Night Joke-O-Matic

Feb. 8, 2010

"Well, congratulations to the world champion New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. That's the best thing to happen to New Orleans since George Bush left office." –Jay Leno
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"China and the United States have been locked into a series of trade disputes. President Obama said this week that China is putting U.S. exports at a disadvantage. Well, of course, U.S. exports are at a disadvantage. You know why? All our U.S. exports are made in China." –Jay Leno

"Dr. Conrad Murray charged today with the death of Michael Jackson. He is headed to jail. Could lose his medical license. So, see, there's healthcare reform." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. They defeated my Indianapolis Colts. So all I can say is, 'Don't worry, Indianapolis, FEMA is on the way.'" –David Letterman

"A lot of Republicans attended President Obama's Super Bowl party. And I thought oh, yeah, they care about New Orleans, now!" –David Letterman

"Anybody snowed in the big blizzard? Like, over two feet, down there in Washington, D.C. D.C. completely ground to a halt. Absolutely nothing going on. Well, how you can tell the difference?" –David Letterman

"It was so cold in Washington that the new senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was actually wearing pants." –David Letterman

"You know who I am talking about? The new senator from the state of Massachusetts. Before he got into politics, he had two jobs. He was a go-go boy. And he was also a nude model. And they swore him in last week. It was a moving ceremony. He put his hand on a copy of 'Cosmo.'" –David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was speaking to a group called the Tea Party Group. And she received a hundred thousand dollars in payment. Now, of course, she was paid in pelts, but still." –David Letterman

"And to go to this Tea Party deal, it was a 350 bucks a plate. And if you wanted a glass or a cup, well, that was more." –David Letterman

"But 350 bucks a plate and a lot of people say, 'Whoa! Dave, that seems a little pricey.' Yes, but for 350, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster." –David Letterman

"Did everybody watch the Super Bowl? Everybody's happy for New Orleans. In fact, FEMA announced plans to congratulate them in about two weeks." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert: 'Sarah Palin Is a F**king Retard'
The Daily Show Recaps the Tea Party Convention

Feb. 5, 2010

"For the second time since he became president, Barack Obama has slammed Las Vegas by saying, 'You don't blow bunch of cash in Vegas.' Hey, the way government is spending money, I'd rather take the odds in Vegas. Wouldn't you? At least you might win something!" –Jay Leno

"Actually, what the President said was, 'If you want to gamble, drive a Toyota.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, more bad news for Toyota. According to CNN, Toyota has known about this brake problem in its Prius cars for some time, but didn't mention it to people who bought them. What?! Car salesmen lying? I am stunned!" –Jay Leno

"Scientists in Australia announced that within five years they will be able to successfully carry out pig-to-human lung transplants. People could be part human, part pig. We have that already. I think it's called John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Well, tomorrow in Nashville, Sarah Palin will speak at the Tea Party Convention. Tickets are $550 apiece. Where are they getting this tea, Starbucks?" –Jay Leno

"But Sarah Palin said she will not benefit from the speech. See, that way she'll have something in common with the people in the audience." –Jay Leno

"You know anything about the new senator from the great state of Massachusetts? Senator Scott Brown. Comes out of nowhere, this guy. And he used to be, like, a go-go boy. That's where he got his start. And then he was a nude model, and now, he's a senator. Have you seen the guy? Terribly good-looking. He looks like one of those guys in an adult film who would describe his work as 'tasteful.'" –David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys at the health club that would snap you with his towel." –David Letterman

"Well, we've got another one of those videotapes from Osama bin Laden. I mean, they're coming like once a month now. It's like you're in a club. You sign up, you get the whole collection. Time-Life: Osama bin Laden." –David Letterman

"And in this one, he's blaming the United States for global warming. Says the United States caused global warming, and by gosh, they better stop global warming. Sounds to me like somebody's looking for a Nobel Prize, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"He's very ecologically minded. Like, last year, it was documented by the C.I.A. that Osama bin Laden switched to a hybrid camel." –David Letterman

"President Obama was busy holding two fundraisers in D.C. last night. During one of his speeches, Obama told the crowd, 'We can't be afraid of the future.' Most Americans agree with him, mainly because they are so busy being afraid of the present." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama said, 'We can't be afraid of the future.' And Biden was like, 'What about clowns? Can we be afraid of clowns?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also said that the key to competing with China is to improve our math and science education. Because right now our G.D.P. is about $13 trillion and China's is $3 trillion, which means we're still ahead by, uh — trillions." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's tough out there. Even the Obama store in Washington, D.C., is closing. That's where they sell T-shirts, hats, and calendars with Obama's face on them. You can tell they're Obama calendars. They only go up to 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Mocks FOX News Coverage of "Dont' Ask, Don't Tell"
SNL Takes on Rahm Emanuel's Apology for "Retarded" Comment

Feb. 4, 2010

"Have you heard the new slogan? 'Toyota, just try and stop us.'" –Jay Leno

"Toyota recalling 2.3 million cars because of two problems — unintended acceleration and possible brake problems. Things are not looking good for Toyota. In fact, today, two crash test dummies refused to get in the car." –Jay Leno

"And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, go to Washington." –Jay Leno

"Here's something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, just turned 109 years old. What's even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"And a number of high-ranking officials in the military have come forward to say they feel gays should be allowed to serve in the armed forces. I think gay people should be allowed to serve. I mean, think about it. What are we defending here in America? Lady Gaga, 'Dancing with the Stars,' 'American Idol,' the TV show 'Glee.' Hello, look around, people." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Gov. Mark Sanford — you know the guy who snuck off to Argentina to see his mistress? You know this moron, this idiot? Well, now the wife says in the book, when they got married, Mark Sanford insisted on taking the part about being faithful out of the wedding vows. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn't that a red flag?" –Jay Leno

"And then when he went on the honeymoon with someone else, that should have told her!" –Jay Leno

"And in Japan, they've developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. You know, kind of what Wall Street did with the dollar. It's the same thing." –Jay Leno

"A couple of days ago, there was the annual race, people come from all over the world, and they race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. Wait a minute. You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota." –David Letterman

"You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I'm coming to work in my car. Here's how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying." –David Letterman

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? There you go. Talk about rock 'n' roll." –David Letterman

"There's a new Osama bin Laden video. Gosh, I mean, this guy, what is he doing, working at Blockbuster?" –David Letterman

"There is always a new Osama bin Laden video. And in this one, he's worried about global warming. And he's blaming the United States for global warming. And I just thought to myself, wait a minute, this guy thinks it's warm now, wait till he gets to hell." –David Letterman


"President Obama has decided to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I think he's still mad they stiffed him in Chicago. But they said it would be very expensive to arrange proper security for Obama, so they're sending Vice President Joe Biden in his place. Because, you know, who cares?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president won't be at the Super Bowl either. In fact, in a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, I guess, he's invited a group of top Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. Going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning, President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. Obama told the crowd that no one should go broke when they get sick in the richest nation on earth, which, I think, is his way of saying we're going to start exporting sick people to China." –Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this. On the 'Today' show, this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear about what's going on with Toyota? This is crazy. It's like, their job is to make cars, right? Well, they had a problem with gas pedals getting stuck — now, they're recalling the Prius because the brakes don't work. And because of this, sales of Ford cars and trucks rose 25 percent in the past month. But Ford says it's because of its new ad slogan, 'Ford, because Toyota is trying to kill you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A company in California is working on a new wireless monitor for pill bottles that tattles on you when you forget to take your medicine. Yeah, it's the same system already used by people who take drugs for hallucinations. 'O.K., bottle's talking. Time to take another one. There you go. Thank you!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that eating corned beef for breakfast could help you lose weight. Doesn't sound like a study. That sounds like something a guy who eats corned beef for breakfast says." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new research found that one in five people has an 'unfitness' gene, which makes them out of shape no matter how much they exercise. The same research also found that five out of five people will now use that as their excuse for being out of shape." –Jimmy Fallon

 David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During Scott Brown's First Day In The Senate

10. "Wanna throw on some pants, Scotty?"
9. "Where's the tanning bed?"
8. "You wanna throw on a shirt now, Scotty?"
7. "Palin's accusing you of being a dope who's skating by on looks"
6. "John Edwards wants to ask if you have any interest in pretending to be a father"
5. "The Senate will now come to . . . Oh my God, he's even hunkier in person"
4. "An underpants model in the Senate — Yeah, that's what the Founding Fathers had in mind"
3. "Barney Frank wants to know if you're available"
2. "Look out! Runaway Toyota!"
1. "No, Senator, we do not want to see your 'situation'"

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Disemboweler Jon Stewart Eviscerates Blogosphere
Letterman Takes On "Hunky" Scott Brown's First Day In Senate

Feb. 3, 2010

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl party. He's going to seat the 'you lie' guy next to the 'not true' guy." –David Letterman

"President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because he feels like if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they'll pass health care." –David Letterman

"President Bush told Obama, he said, 'Listen, you get 10 Republicans to show up, and I'll drop in and choke on a pretzel.'" –David Letterman

"Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades." –David Letterman

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman

"President Obama has announced his administration's plan to build a new $8 billion high-speed rail system. Have you ever ridden on Amtrak? We can't figure out how to keep a low-speed rail system from crashing, O.K. Do you really want to go off the track at 150 miles an hour?" –Jay Leno

"ABC News reports that the president of Pakistan slaughters a black goat every day since becoming president in an attempt to ward off the evil eye. It's good to see these modern, progressive people are our allies in the war against terror." –Jay Leno

"And the wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has written a book about her whole ordeal. Remember, he went to Argentina to see his mistress? She says her husband kept pestering her for permission to see his mistress. See, that shows you how bad the Republicans are at cheating, O.K. They ask permission. Republicans, stick to what they know — greed. Leave adultery to Democrats." –Jay Leno

"Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born." –Jay Leno

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." –Jay Leno

"During a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is not sexy, but it's making a difference. Oddly enough, that's the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Obama also had some economic advice for the American people. He told them not to blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. Though to be fair, most recent college graduates would probably have more luck in Vegas, I think." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can't be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting more angry criticism today. Boy, this guy can't get a break. Apparently, though, he told a group of high school kids in New Hampshire, and I quote: 'When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize.' And needless to say, people in Vegas are extremely upset. In fact, the mayor of Las Vegas said the president is not welcome in Las Vegas. I happen to agree with the mayor. How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We're in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Slams McCain for Stance on 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
Daily Show's John Oliver:' Stop Letting Old People Serve in the Senate'

Feb. 2, 2010

"Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a Goodwill store that's having an anti-Valentine's Day donation drive where people can give away clothes that belonged to their exes. I swear. In fact, tonight, I'm wearing one of John Edwards's old suits." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, by the way, is Groundhog Day. And this morning, the groundhog known to humans as Punxsutawney Phil was ripped from his hole by men dressed like the mayor in Monopoly. The animal rights group PETA has asked the organizers of this ridiculous event to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, and before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them and then we have no governor anymore. It's not a good idea." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes Aim at Hamas's Anti-Semitic Cartoons
Daily Show: Brian Williams Interview
Colbert Report: Eliot Spitzer Interview

Feb. 1, 2010

"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno

"And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers? Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They'd get off like that." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they're coming from? Where do you — we can't even play them. We don't have machines that old." –Jay Leno

"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Goldman Sachs's CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, is getting a $100 million bonus. Goldman Sachs denied it, saying, 'Well, no figure has been decided on yet.' You know what that means? He's getting more. Exactly." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems John Edwards's mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she's worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. Well, apparently, I'm way out of line. But I don't care because this show has been canceled." –Jay Leno

"I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That's all he is." –Jay Leno

"And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jay Leno

"And the state controller warned today that California could be broke by April. I think that's great news. I thought we were already broke, didn't you? We got two months worth of money left. Let's party!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan." –David Letterman

"And here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years." –David Letterman

"Remember when they hanged Saddam Hussein? Well, you remember his buddy, Chemical Ali. Well, he got hanged over the weekend. And his wife was Chemical Shirley. Do you remember Chemical Shirley? I was just wondering is it too soon to hit on Chemical Shirley?" –David Letterman

"He is the one that killed all the Kurds, Chemical Ali. He shouldn't be confused with the guy who killed NBC. That was Chemical Zucker." –David Letterman

"This is unfortunate. I heard that John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth have legally separated. Under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote 'see news.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of 'cat vs. string.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget

10. $3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending
9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
8. Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Conn.
7. Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95
6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks
5. United States pays for Ahmadinejad's tan windbreakers
4. It allocates $5 billion for a giant wallet to hold all money
3. Don't tell him, it's a surprise, but McCain's getting a new Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
2. $1 billion research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does
1. The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Hammers FOX News For Cutting Off Obama's GOP Q&A
Colbert Interviews Harold Ford Jr.

Jan. 27, 2010

"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The speech tonight was pretty much the same thing we hear over and over again, asking us for patience and a willingness to sacrifice, things we are totally unwilling to do as Americans." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But then after the president spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Neither one of these parties cares as much about the country as they do about being the one who gets to run the country. It's a big waste, and it's a big waste of air time that could be better spent on celebrities ice skating or conveyor belts of love, things like that." –Jimmy Kimmel

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Jan. 26, 2010

"Tomorrow night, President Obama will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he's going to talk a lot about India." –Jay Leno

"Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. 'Hey, there aren't any. Thank you. Good night.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps." –Jay Leno

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — 'I'll be back.'" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"That's an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama Takes on Bankers
Colbert on the S. Carolina Republican Who Compared Poor Kids to Animals

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Jan. 25, 2010

"John McCain's wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he's still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman." –Jay Leno

"Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons." –Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. There's a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him." –Jay Leno

"Actually, John Edwards said today he's going to help raise the little girl. He said he's looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products." –Jay Leno

"And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down. It's the other way. He seems to be very confused." –Jay Leno

"Well, this is kind of embarrassing. At a speech to school kids in an elementary school in Virginia, President Obama used the teleprompter. He had a teleprompter set up to talk to the kids. The topic of the speech: Never taking the easy way out by bringing a cheat sheet to school." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's always, like, two weeks late." –Jay Leno

"The late night wars are finally over. I'm kind of amazed I'm still here, too. Jay Leno said he's going to go on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell his side of the story. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Blasts GOP Candidate For Comparing School Kids To Stray Animals
Colbert Rips Harold Ford Jr. For Flip Flopping On Abortion, Gay Marriage

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Jan. 22, 2010

"I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know, and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun. As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity." -Conan O'Brien, signing off from "The Tonight Show"

"Now that this mess is almost behind me -- I just have one last request: HBO, when you make the movie about this whole NBC late night fiasco, I'd like to be played by Academy-Award winning actress Tilda Swinton." –Conan O'Brien

"People have been asking me what's going to happen to our studio after we're gone. There are actually a few possible uses for our studio being kicked around. I thought I'd share some of the ideas with you right now: Magician David Blaine will attempt the impossible by trying to remain in the studio for longer than seven months. Leave the studio cold and empty and re-name it 'The World's Largest Metaphor For NBC Programming.' The studio will be air-lifted to a location with better luck, like on top of a native-American burial ground." –Conan O'Brien

"The winner of this game (Jets-Colts) goes to the Super Bowl. The loser gets the 10 p.m. slot at NBC." –David Letterman

"People are saying tonight is Conan O'Brien's final night. So, it looks like I knocked off another competitor." –David Letterman

"You know, you've got to love Jay. Jay is like a whack-a-mole. You think you've cancelled him and then he pops up in another time period." –David Letterman

"They're having the auto show in Detroit. They've got a lot of concept vehicles. They have something they're calling the NBC concept car. Are you familiar with this? You push a button or throw a switch or something and the wheels come off." –David Letterman

"It's Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff's birthday today and he celebrated, spent the entire day waving to Sarah Palin."  –David Letterman

"Ysterday President Obama met with a group of mayors at the White House and he told them he was glad not to be running a city during this recession. Yeah, it's all part of Obama's new campaign slogan: 'Sucks to be you, bitches!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was focused on bringing tough new regulations to banks. He said 'If these folks want a fight, that's a fight I'm ready to have.' This explains why when President Obama tried to use an ATM today, it just spit out a receipt that said 'F U.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys following the big health fight? It's not going well for the Democrats at all. Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that the House doesn't have enough votes to pass the Senate's bill. A few more elections and the House won't have Nancy Pelosi either." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Conan O'Brien's Last "Tonight Show": Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell, And Steve Carell
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Jan. 21, 2010

"The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?" –Jimmy Kimmel

The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is — I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted that he did father a love child with his former mistress, Rielle Hunter. How does that work? Do you still hand out cigars? Should I send something?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"And by the way, is love child really the best way of describing what happened? I think it was more of a seven gin and tonics child." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He released a statement today. Edwards said, 'It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she’ll forgive me.' Hey, if she inherits that hair, what's to forgive?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I'll go. I'll walk home. To Brooklyn. I'm just putting that out there. That's a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC." –Jimmy Kimmel

"NBC has reached an agreement with Conan O'Brien. He's going to get $32 million and his staff will split up $12 million. Which I would cash those checks immediately. They're saying that if, putting 30 doesn't work, the plan is to close NBC down and turn it into a Costco." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm Conan O'Brien, future Donkey Kong champion." –Conan O'Brien

"Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp." –Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I'd like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley." –Conan O'Brien

"I thought about something today. Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing, they all still have shows." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the 'Tonight Show.' The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about: I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself. The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher. Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym. Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings. Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels. Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I guess everybody knows that Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was a law student. See, back then, the GOP stood for 'grand old package.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt. It is Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, 'Father’s Day.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. He issued a statement. Really? Who is the statement for? The only person that doesn’t know he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby is Rielle Hunter’s baby." –Jay Leno

"Well, this is pretty sleazy. According to Edwards' former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards were full of crap." –Jay Leno

"Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now: Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?" –David Letterman

"But you know, this Martha Coakley, the Democratic candidate was like two weeks ago, 20 points, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it, here's what happened. Apparently she was on the Patriots defense" –David Letterman

"Anybody here from Massachusetts? You got a new senator, congratulations. Do you know anything about this guy? His name is Scott Brown. Isn’t that the guy Elvis played in 'Clambake?'" –David Letterman

"But you know the Democratic candidate, was like, two weeks ago, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it. Here’s what happened. Apparently, she put in the Patriots defense." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate race because he was too remote. Meanwhile, today in Arizona, John McCain couldn’t find his remote." –David Letterman

"Well, today officially marks the beginning of President Obama's second year in office. Yeah, he has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether." –Jimmy Fallon

"During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart's 'Special Comment' on Keith Olbermann
Colbert Reviews Obama's First Year: He's Doing Nothing and Destroying Everything
Jimmy Kimmel Airs Ken Burns-Style Documentary on Leno-Conan Battle

Jan. 20, 2010

"Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien, sorry if I'm a little late. I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker." –Conan O'Brien

"I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the past week, ratings for the 'Tonight Show' are up by 50%. When NBC executives heard this they told me, 'See, you really don't fit in around here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This whole experience has been so surreal. I never thought I'd be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave 'Joey.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff. At first they thought I was gullible -- they said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they'd be allowed to run free forever." –Conan O'Brien

"On Friday, Northwestern University is holding a 'Conan O'Brien Day,' where a group of students will gather on campus and do the string dance. Then the football team will beat the crap out of them." –Conan O'Brien

"I've been having a hard time explaining this whole situation to my kids, because they're still very young. So I had a doll made of myself, and now I can show my kids exactly where NBC touched daddy." –Conan O'Brien

"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I've been trying to look on the bright side and make the best of a tough situation. Even though I had this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that's actually a pretty long time. In fact, I came up with a list of things in Hollywood that lasted less than seven months: Kid Rock's marriage to Pamela Anderson: five months. Popularity of the 'Leave Britney Alone Guy': four months. Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5 months. The plot of 'Lost' being vaguely comprehensible: three months. Joan Rivers' 17th face: six weeks. Interest in Denise Richards' side of the story: 18 hours. Gary Busey's love affair with an Encino parking meter: 44 days. Lindsay Lohan's first and third stints as a lesbian: three months & five months. The Masturbating Bear's disappearance from the airwaves: six months, 29 days." –Conan O'Brien

"Terrible, terrible rain. And, of course, the rain couldn't have come at a worst possible time. You know, today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money." –Jay Leno

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." –Jay Leno

"You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat's health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said." –Jay Leno

"Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500. She won't have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it. So, sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend." –Jay Leno

"More problems for New York Governor David Paterson. He drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman. An eye witness said, he was cuddling and kissing her neck. Now, I think the governor is a little confused. Just because he's legally blind, doesn't mean we can't see him." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"When Scott Brown takes office, Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof Senate majority. And he's vowed to oppose the health care bill. That's a nice way to start your first day, huh? 'Hey, I'm the new guy. Hate what you're doing here.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an 'A' on his first year in office. Malia was like, 'This is the best possible day to tell dad about my 'D' in social studies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This isn't good. Erroll Southers, Obama's pick to head the TSA, withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife's boyfriend. Yeah. Still, that's an improvement from the TSA's normal procedure: not performing background checks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he's the most popular African-American president in history" –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Declares Scott Brown the 45th President
Letterman Takes on 'Conniving' Jay Leno
Ed Helms Sings Conan A Touching Farewell Song

Jan. 19, 2010

"I am Conan O'Brien, and I am just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history." –Conan O'Brien

"We've had so much nice support. Yesterday, you probably saw this. There were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago, which I thought was nice. You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you."  –Conan O'Brien

"I've had a crazy time the last couple days. Today was very busy. I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the Tunnel of Litigation. That's a crappy ride." –Conan O'Brien

"Some papers are reporting that I'm legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. Yeah, for example, I am not allowed to say things like, 'NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a barrel of cheese.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some other stories in the press are saying that in the future, I may not be able to retain what is known as my show's intellectual property. I may not be able to retain it. Yeah. No, look at the bright side. Isn't it great to live in a country where a cigar smoking dog puppet and a bear that masturbates are considered intellectual property?'" –Conan O'Brien

"You know up in Massachusetts, the big election, are you following what's going on up there? Ted Kennedy's Senate seat is now up for grabs. The election is pretty close. I was thinking, you know, my money is on Jay Leno." David Letterman

"Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?" –David Letterman

"Things are so bad at NBC now that earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered." –David Letterman

"Do you remember the Salahis? Barack Obama throws a state dinner for the prime minister of India. And guess who shows up? The Salahis. Well, they weren't invited. Tomorrow, they're going to be appearing before Homeland Security to talk about that. It should be exciting. Ricky Gervais is hosting. It'll be great." –David Letterman

"Chrysler is recalling 24,000 cars. May be a problem with the brake system. I said to myself: 'They sold 24,000 cars. Really? Well, good for them. I mean, who cares if the brakes work? They're moving cars left and right.'" –David Letterman

"Now here's something that I think bothers all of us. Osama bin Laden is still out doing whatever it is he does. And so the F.B.I. updated his likeness. So the F.B.I. has gotten the original photograph, and they've enhanced it to show what Osama bin Laden looks like now. And if you're interested, you can see it. They put it on a carton of goat's milk." –David Letterman

"I just read President Obama plans to deliver his State of the Union address next Wednesday, Jan. 27. Until then, he's just at home going: 'Please everything get better by Wednesday. Please everything get better by Wednesday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

You can tell the president is losing some of his popularity. Today, Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan visited elementary school kids in Virginia. And the kids were like: 'Oh, my gosh. It's Arne Duncan! It's Arne Duncan, look! Can I have your autograph? It's Arne Duncan!' –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, this is pretty big. Sarah Palin is saying that her deal with Fox News wouldn't keep her from running for president in 2012. However, Palin did admit her deal with Fox News will keep her from winning'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno

"Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it's getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants." –Jay Leno

"The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course." –Jay Leno

"They said it could rain 20 inches this week, which is more bad news for Jay Leno. He just had all 600 of his cars washed." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show on Obama's First Year in Office
Stephen Colbert: Speedkating Team Training
Letterman Rips Leno, Blames Him For Mess
Flashback: Howard Stern Warned Conan That Leno Would Never Leave

Jan. 18, 2010

"The Kennedy legacy goes down to a naked guy who owns a truck. Did you hear his bio? For God's sakes, the guy sounds like a fictional character in some racy David E. Kelly show about politics. Tonight on an all new 'Mass Appeal': Senator McDangly exercises his pocket veto." –Jon Stewart, on Scott Brown, Republican candidate for the Massachusetts Senate seat

"Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." –Jon Stewart

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Some good news for NBC, Conan O'Brien and I won a Golden Globe for best late night drama. Very excited about that." –Jay Leno

"The one good thing to come out of all this infighting: Conan's ratings have surged. His ratings are way up since this whole thing started. Yeah, but unfortunately, that thing is frowned upon here at NBC. Remember, I got fired for it." –Jay Leno

"Remember the more innocent days of late night TV, when the only thing people cared about was which intern the host was nailing? What happened there?" –Jay Leno

"The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that's a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let's appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that'll work." –Jay Leno

"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he's been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?" –Jay Leno

"Hello there, I'm Conan O'Brien, and I need all of you to write me a letter of recommendation." –Conan O'Brien

"Did you know this? NBC has a new slogan. This is true. And the slogan is 'More Colorful.' Yeah. They may be telling the truth, because they're about to get rid of the whitest guy on television." –Conan O'Brien

"Of course, this has been a stunning couple of days for me, I have to tell you. Yeah, it's a bit hard to accept that soon I won't have a show, but Snooki and The Situation will. Only in America." –Conan O'Brien

"There are much more important things going on in the world. The U.S. government, did you hear this, has digitally updated their file photo of Osama bin Laden? They have given him thinner hair and a greyer beard. Yeah. And also just for the fun of it, they gave him a tramp stamp." –Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't let her daughters watch the show 'Jersey Shore.' When asked why, the First Lady said, 'Because I love my children.'" –Conan O'Brien

"People are worried about NBC. Earlier today, President Obama announced that he's sending in 30,000 troops. Out to Burbank." –David Letterman

'The big CBS show here, anybody seen the 'Medium?' It's about a woman who can communicate with the dead. A woman without can communicate with the dead. As a matter of fact, this Sunday, this week, Johnny Carson calls up the medium and he asks her what the hell is going on with the 'Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman

"Things are crazy. I don't know what is going on on NBC. I don't know what going on in the 'Tonight Show.' Earlier today I get a call from the executives at CBS and they wanted to know if I would consider a jaw enhancement. What? Are you kidding?'" –David Letterman

"They have built now, robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president." –David Letterman

"There's a new book out that says Sarah Palin was an ignoramus who believes Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. And I thought, well, no, that's George Bush. Wasn't that George Bush?" –David Letterman

"One of Osama bin Laden's sons has written a book. And remember how excited we all were when we captured Osama bin Laden? Oh yeah, that didn't happen." –David Letterman

"Anyway, one of his kids has written a book. And he said his father was a cruel parent. For example, he made the kid wait until he was 18 years old before he let him blow up his first car." –David Letterman

"The FBI has released a sketch of what Osama bin Laden looks like now. You know, he's aged. It's been, like, nine years. So the FBI puts out a sketch so we can get an idea what he looks like nine years older. And I said, 'Why don't we put out a sketch of what he looks like when he's captured?'" –David Letterman

"Do you remember Chemical Ali? He's been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he's been sentenced to death. He's very confused. He hasn't decided what to order for his fourth last meal." –David Letterman

"The White House issued a statement today. They're blaming government inefficiencies — this is true — they're blaming it on old computers. Apparently, all the computers keep crashing. And everyone knows the only crashing tolerated at the White House is during state dinners." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House said it's replacing any technology that's obsolete, broken down and causes problems. Desktops, laptops, Joe Biden: It's all going out." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, President Obama attended his daughter Malia's school recital. Not to see her perform or anything. Just to see if any of the kids had a solution to health care. And they didn't." –Jimmy Fallon

"During Malia's recital, Obama was so proud. He kept turning to other parents saying, 'That's my daughter up there.' And the other parents were like, 'You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service? Yeah, we got it. We know who your daughter is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Everyone around the country is still focused on health care. President Obama recently said, 'We've spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven't been able to talk about how great the bill is over all.' Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, 'Not that great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is very sweet. President Obama threw Michelle a surprise birthday party on Saturday night, which is why all week long, Joe Biden was like: 'Hi, Michelle. Nothing new going on here. No secrets being kept, surprises being planned. Certainly no surprise parties. What?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that a year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, 'Yeah, technically that is change.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll by TripAdvisor found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. Second-worst airplane passengers? Terrorists. 'Ma'am, can you tell your baby to be quiet? I have an underwear bomb I have to focus up on.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, the FBI unveiled a massive Times Square billboard with a rotating display of the most-wanted criminals in the U.S. It's all part of a new FBI plan called 'distract tourists while they have their wallets stolen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Tears Apart Dems on MA Senate Race and Health Care
Stephen Colbert on the Massachusetts Senate Election
Leno: I Told NBC That Prime Time 'Will Never Work'

Jan. 14, 2010

"Hello, there, I'm Conan O'Brien, NBC's employee of the month." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, there's a rumor. This came out today. There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for three years. That's what they say. Yeah, my response to that is, if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC. It's like I'll be in the witness protection program." –Conan O'Brien

"Time sure does fly, though. It's crazy to think about this. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first 'Tonight Show' is now a slightly larger baby?" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it's been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

'Welcome to the new show, 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Off NBC!'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they'll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. That's what they said." –Jay Leno

"As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They're really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden's name was put on the do-not-fly list." –Jay Leno

As you know, a little bit of controversy going on here at NBC. Actually the 'Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien' ratings have gone up. They've gone up. ... So, you're welcome." –Jay Leno

"Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry." –David Letterman

"She's doing a lot of public speaking, and next week, she will be in Las Vegas speaking at a liquor convention. And what a coincidence, because I think McCain was drunk when he picked her." –David Letterman

"There's big news out of Washington today. President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess that explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she's heard about MTV's 'Jersey Shore,' but she hasn't seen it. It's funny. That's exactly what the people on 'Jersey Shore' said about the Obamas." –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest NBC news, if you're interested is, not only will Conan O'Brien be replaced by Jay Leno of the 'Tonight Show,' possibly as soon as after next week is the rumor, Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. He had a really bad contract." " –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's kind of sad to see what's happened to NBC. You know, when I was a young man, just beginning to blossom, my breasts were starting to fill out, NBC was number one. They had 'Cosby' and 'Cheers' and great shows. Now, they're a mess. Like going on your high school reunion and the homecoming king went bald and works in a lawn mower repair shop.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
David Letterman Urges Support For Haiti
Jimmy Kimmel Goes After Leno on Leno's Own Show
Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sarah Palin vs. Glenn Beck vs. George Washington
Jon Stewart: Palin Like A "Moose In Headlights" On Fox News

Jan. 13, 2010

"I'm Conan O'Brien and I've been practicing the phrase, 'Who ordered the mochaccino grande?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to me. And I want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters — 83 percent — want me to stay at 11:35. And here's the interesting part. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, 'How can I get NBC to screw me over?'" –Conan O'Brien

"I'm getting a lot of support out there. Especially from an online group calling themselves 'Team Conan,' which is nice. Yeah. No, it's very exciting. It's the first time in my life that I've been on a team when I wasn't picked last.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, the new season of 'American Idol' started on the Fox Network and it was watched by an audience of 30 million people. Yeah. Yeah, when they heard that, NBC executives said, 'That's not true. There's no such thing as an audience that's 30 million people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They're now calling it another NBC." –Jay Leno

"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said, NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four." –Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It's no picnic for the security people either." –Jay Leno

"The government issued a statement this week saying most people aren't complaining about the full-body scanners. See, the government always says that. Every time there's another intrusion into our privacy, they say most people aren't complaining. Well, of course, most people aren't complaining. You know what happens when you complain at airport security? You get a colonoscopy and wind up on a terrorists watch list." –Jay Leno

"Well, it's growing more and more likely that California will legalize marijuana. You mean it's not already legal?" –Jay Leno

"You know what that means? One day in California, you could be buying legalized marijuana at a Wal-Mart from a cashier who's not even legal." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has signed on to become a Fox News correspondent. And in a related story, John McCain just picked up an endorsement deal to be a spokesman for the SCOOTER Store." –Jay Leno

"There's a new book out about the most recent U.S. presidential campaign. In the book, it says Sarah Palin was unprepared to be vice president. And I thought, boy, you think you know somebody." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for." –David Letterman

"Conan O'Brien said yesterday, I'm not doing the tonight show at 12:05. ... He said forget it, I'm not doing the show at 12:05. NBC went back and decided to sweeten the deal and they offered him 12:04.'" –David Letterman

"The whole idea is NBC wanted to get a thing going, whereby they wouldn't make the same mistake they made when Johnny Carson quit and retired, that there were a lot of bad feelings. They wanted to avoid causing more bad feelings. Well, mission accomplished. There you go. I miss Johnny Carson. By God when Johnny quit, he quit.'" –David Letterman

"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. ... Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him." –David Letterman

"I want to tell you something. I have not been this entertained by NBC since balloon boy threw up on the 'Today Show.'" –David Letterman

"A new report says that one year after President Obama took office, 40 percent of top positions in his administration have yet to be filled. George Bush actually filled 62 percent of top positions during his first year, and Bill Clinton filled all the top positions and even some of the weird sideways ones." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study finds that the increase of obesity in the United States is starting to slow, mainly because so many Americans are already fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman"s Top Ten Messages on Jeff Zucker's Voicemail

10. What the hell are you doing?
9. This is Jay Leno. Conan seemed upset in the elevator. Everything ok?
8. No seriously, what the hell are you doing?
7. It's Burt Reynolds. Just so you know, I'm available.
6. Letterman here. Want to borrow one of my hairpieces?
5. This is Mark McGwire. If you're looking to bulk up, I know a guy.
4. It's Jay again. All in all, I think it's going pretty well.
3. I'm from Comcast. Regarding the sale... Uh, I think we're ok.
2. Larry King here. Keep up the good work.
1. What the zuck?

Late-Night TV Videos
Conan, Leno Turns on Each Other in Monologues
Kenneth the Page Interrupts 'The Tonight Show'
Daily Show: News of the Weird - McGwire, Game Change and Palin

Jan. 12, 2010

"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties."  –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to NBC, where our new slogan is 'no longer just screwing up prime time.'"  –Conan O'Brien

"I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. You know, a true story, when I was a little boy, I remember watching the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' I knew that was the perfect amount of time."  –Conan O'Brien

"NBC says, they are planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. That's what they said, yeah. Yeah. And trust me when NBC says something, you can take that to the bank. They're good people."  –Conan O'Brien

"The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, is in the news. He's still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama's blackness. Sources say he could face Congressional censure or, even worse, be promised 'The Tonight Show' at 11:30." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air." –Jay Leno

"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a 'light-skinned' African-American 'with no negro dialect.' See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader." –Jay Leno

"But President Obama forgave him. Obama said today, he has 'nothing against really light-skinned people who talk with a cracker dialect.' So it all worked out." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen him on the news? Harry Reid is apologizing more than NBC affiliates." –Jay Leno

"He is not the only one. Impeached Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, what a moron this guy is. He's in trouble after saying he's 'blacker than Barack Obama.' Barack Obama? He's not even blacker than Sammy Sosa." –Jay Leno

"Hello, my name is Jay Leno. You might have known, I'm taking over all of the shows in late night. Even this one. Great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan. That's right. Anyway, Conan O'Brien today announced he's leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won't participate in the destruction of the 'Tonight Show.' Fortunately, though, I will." –Jimmy Kimmel (Watch video clip)

"Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she should be there for, what, six months?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A couple of minutes ago, Conan O'Brien, who was the host of 'The Tonight Show' over there at NBC, announced that he would not follow Jay Leno at 12:05. If Conan does leave 'The Tonight Show,' then he has to appoint a replacement. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC." –David Letterman

"Guess whose birthday it is today. Rush Limbaugh — 59 years old. Also, celebrity birthday, Kirstie Alley — 59 years old today, too. This explains the nationwide cake shortage." –David Letterman

"It's a big, big week for giant announcements. Have you seen the 'American Idol' show? One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, announced this will be the last season on the show. Cowell is the only high-ranking judge that Sarah Palin could name." –David Letterman

"There's a new book. Sarah Palin said that on the campaign tour sometimes, she was glassy-eyed and out of it. You know, like NBC executives." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'" –David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, Sarah Palin appeared on 'The O'Reilly Factor' with Bill O'Reilly. Talk about a bridge to nowhere." –David Letterman

"Of course, the really big news is Conan O'Brien said in a written statement that he will not do 'The Tonight Show' after Jay Leno. I think. But then he also said he wants to make 'The Tonight Show' the best it can be, which means he didn't quit. I think. I don't know. I have no idea. I'm sure the lawyers will figure that out. Actually, I can think of a much better solution than the lawyers. Here's what I think we should do here — government bailout money. It worked with Wall Street. Why doesn't Congress give NBC money to make more late night shows? That would solve everything." –Craig Ferguson

"But for now, it looks like Jay's back on at 11:30. Now people are getting their old jobs back. How long before Dick Cheney shows up at the White House? 'Hey Biden, heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through." –Jimmy Fallon

"Big political news out of New Jersey lately. The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage, which means the New Jersey Senate was like, 'Gay people getting married? What are you, like, high? No? Well, let's get high then.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It is clear that President Obama is soft on security. He has completely dropped the ball on people blowing up their balls. Thankfully, Dick Cheney has called him out, telling Politico it is clear President Obama is trying to pretend we're not at war. He's not doing a very good job at it [on screen: a montage of all the times Obama has said we're involved in a 'war on terror']. Man, he's doing a worse job pretending we're not at war than I am doing pretending he is not the president. The American people are pretending we're not at war. It's so easy when there's no draft, when no one has been asked to sacrifice anything other than our privacy, our right to habeas corpus and our full-sized shampoo bottles." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day At FOX News

10. Ruined office floor by drilling for oil.
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera.
8. Got confused -- thought she signed with QVC.
7. Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina."
6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno.
5. At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby.
4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt.
3. Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable.
2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska.
1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010 .

Late-Night TV Videos
Jimmy Kimmel Does Leno: ABC Host Goes After Jay For Bumping Conan
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Wall Street Bonuses Episode
Colbert Report: Harry Reid's Racist Comment

Jan. 11, 2010

"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different." –Jay Leno

"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad." –Jay Leno

"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster." –Jay Leno

"As you may know, our show has been canceled. NBC has some pilots to fill up the 10 p.m. time slot. They're talking about bringing back 'All in the Family', with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker." –Jay Leno

"Senator Harry Reid in hot water about some remarks he made about then-candidate Barack Obama that have been perceived as to be racially insensitive. He spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent African-American leaders. But you know, I still don't think he gets it. Like today, at a press conference, he says, 'I hope this doesn't leave a black mark on my record.'" –Jay Leno

"And on Friday, the White House announced that President Obama's State of the Union address scheduled for next month will not air on the same night as the premiere of 'Lost' on ABC. Well, they did that because they thought viewers might get confused. See, lost is also the State of the Union: Lost jobs; lost wage; lost houses; lost businesses. So, the two — you can get them mixed up." –Jay Leno

"The White House said they're working even harder now to try and find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they have now put his picture on the side of cartons of goat's milk." –Jay Leno

"One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was 'God's plan.' So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has just signed with Fox News. So, now they're fair and unbalanced." –Jay Leno

"Cold down in Washington, D.C. It was so cold today that Senator Harry Reid actually enjoyed being in hot water." –David Letterman

"Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, you know what he said? That there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush Administration. Well you know, that would be great if it was true. And apparently, the Mayor misspoke. He forgot about the attack of 9/11. Yeah, forgot about that one. Forgot about the shoe bomber, there was another one. Forgot about Dick Cheney duck hunting." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News. I can see that coming from my house." –David Letterman

"It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." –Craig Ferguson

"Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine." –Craig Ferguson

"Listen to this. In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama said 'we are on the verge' of guaranteeing Americans health insurance 'whether they lose their job, change jobs, move or get sick,' which means Jay, Conan and I are going to be just fine. So don't worry." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin just signed on to be a contributor to the Fox News Channel. She chose the job after carefully weighing her other option, just going away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, I was watching '60 Minutes' last night and a former McCain campaign aide said that when Palin found out she would become John McCain's running mate, she said, 'It's God's plan,' to which God responded, 'What? Really? Don't bring me into this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on now. I know he's a big guy but it's not fair to call Rush Limbaugh 5 percent of baby boomers. That's just rude." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rod Blagojevich says he's blacker than Obama. Oh, snap! Rod Blagojevich is so black, he should be called Tyler Perry Presents Rod Blagojevich. It's a bold claim. What he is using to back it up? [on screen: reports saying Blagojevich saying he shined shoes, lived in a five room apartment, and his father owned a laundromat in a black neighborhood]. I think you are confusing 'black' with 'middle-class white'" –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs There's Trouble At NBC

10. Lineup has more holes than the Green Bay Packers defense
9. Winner on 'Deal Or No Deal' gets to run the network for a week
8. NBC peacock crashed his car and beaten with a golf club
7. NBC Christmas party is a week from Thursday
6. Tina Fey is having a hard time making fictional network executives dumber than the real ones
5. Replacing 'Biggest Loser' with a show about people whose weight fluctuates but is still within an acceptable range
4. NBC president seen wandering halls shouting, 'Is 'Night Court' still on?'
3. Promise they'll have this figured out by the 2014 Olympics
2. Just gave 10 p.m. show to Snooki
1. It's so bad, they've even considered me

Late-Night TV Videos
Leno Slams NBC: 'A Complete Disaster'
Conan Blasts 'Abusive' Relationship With NBC, Says Porn Is Classier
Colbert Report: Harry Reid's Racist Comment

Jan. 8-9, 2010

"President Obama on Tuesday met with the heads of all 16 intelligence agencies try to correct the intelligence failures surrounding the Christmas day bombing attempt. Unfortunately, two of the agencies were late and the CIA locked their keys in the car." -Seth Meyers

"On Friday, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who ignited his underpants in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia." -Seth Meyers

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers

"It was reported Thursday that in the wake of poor ratings for the 'Jay Leno Show,' NBC will move his show back to the 11:35 time slot and start Conan O'Brien's 'Tonight Show' at midnight. Thought it's a little weird to start the 'Tonight Show' at a time when it's no longer tonight" --Seth Meyers

Conan O'Brien: "A lot of rumors swirling around about the 'Tonight Show,' the 'Jay Leno Show' and the rest of NBC's late night lineup. And there is a lot of speculation out there. And I just wanted to go over some of the rumors that have been flying around. Just check these out:

"The 'Jay Leno Show' is going to be canceled is one.
Jay is moving to 11:30 and I'm moving to midnight.
Both of our shows will be on at 11:30, running simultaneously in split-screen.
The 'Tonight Show' will be an iPhone app, and the 'Jay Leno Show' will become an Xbox game.
Jay and I are quitting both our shows and co-starring in a new buddy cop drama called 'Coco and the Chin.'
Jay and I will be joining the cast of 'Jersey Shore' as a new character called 'The Awkward Situation.'
I'm pregnant with Jay's baby. Jay is pregnant with my baby.
We're both pregnant with Tiger Woods' babies.
NBC is gonna throw me and Jay in a pit with sharpened sticks.
The one who crawls out alive gets to leave NBC."

"Now, here is some frightening news. ... The worldwide fund for nature came out with its list of the ten species most likely to be extinct in the near future. You know what number one was? ... Us, yes, us." --Jay Leno

"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." -Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, if they did cancel us, it would be an easy move for me because I still haven't unpacked from the last show they canceled." -Jay Leno

"To be fair, NBC is working on a solution, they say, in which all parties will be screwed equally." -Jay Leno

"In an effort to calm people down after this latest security problem, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. And here's the frustrating part. Turns out we almost had him. Did you hear about this? Earlier this year, he snuck into a White House state dinner." -Jay Leno

"The underwear bomber pleaded not guilty in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants, okay! 'I didn't know there was a bomb in my underpants.' 'I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom.'" -Jay Leno

"His lawyer said he was very respectful for the judge because he stood the whole time. Yeah, that's because his ass was on fire." -Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, White House Budget Director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC News reporter six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. And of course, people were shocked. 'The White House has a budget director?'" -Jay Leno

"The New Jersey Senate rejected a gay marriage bill. Now, why? Last time a gay man got married in New Jersey, he went on to become governor of the state, didn't he, as I remember?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama was named most admired American. Most admired American. Most admired man in America. And I'm proud that my name is also on that list. It's a little farther down. I was right between Balloon Dad and Carrot Top" --David Letterman

"While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, 'There is of course, no fool-proof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of our nimble adversary.' Nimble adversary? Sounds like somebody saw 'Sherlock Holmes' over the holiday." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also said, 'We are at war against al-Qaida, and we will do whatever it takes to defeat them.' Then Obama was like, 'Literally whatever it takes -- speeches, talks, speech talks, talks about speeches, speaking about the talk I just spoke about.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"In Obama’s defense, he is taking responsibility for the security lapse on Christmas. Obama said, 'Ultimately the buck stops with me.' Then he was like, 'Unless it’s a billion bucks, in which case it just goes to AIG.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission." --Jimmy Fallon

"I can see that you're very enthusiastic, and would like to welcome you all to the 'Tonight Show.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, strange things are going on over at NBC. Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are apparently moving in together is what I hear. Got an apartment." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what's going on. If you've been following this, you know NBC made the decision they were making too much money, so they threw all their shoes into a bag, like Scrabble tiles, shook them around and dumped them out." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: James Carville Mocks Rudy Giuliani
SNL Takes on Terror Tactics in Yemen
Daily Show: Recap of the Week

Jan. 7, 2010

"There's a rumor floating around that we were cancelled. I heard it coming in this morning. So far, nobody's said anything to me. But Kev, if we did get cancelled, give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year." –Jay Leno

"Actually, I don't think there's any truth to the rumors. See, in my experience, NBC only cancels you when you're in first place. So we're fine." –Jay Leno

"How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic." –David Letterman

"Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization." –David Letterman

"They took the guy to court and the guy said he was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants. And he told the job, 'Well, I get no complaints from the laides.'" –David Letterman

"Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually." –David Letterman

"Legal experts are saying, if he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in Federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber." –Conan O'Brien

"Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'the new owner is coming for a visit." –Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, a man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Secret Service was alerted when someone reported a man with a suspiciously shrinking package." –Jimmy Fallon

"There is a sex scandal roiling the nation right now. The tale of one man's insatiable sex drive and the beautiful women who succumb to his magnetic machismo. Does it involve ... lusty golfing legend Tiger Woods? Or perhaps it's six-foot, 15-inch and 174-pound bespectacled White House Budget Director Peter Orszag? Oh yeah, baby. The OMB director had a baby with this lady, a beautiful shipping heiress, just weeks before he got engaged to this other beautiful lady, who is a news reporter. I guess 'OMB' stands for the 'Office of Managing the Boo-tay.' Heeey!" –Jon Stewart

"I guess the CBO is the 'Congressional Badonkadonk Office.' ... Ladies, put your husbands to bed and hide your ovaries [on screen: footage of Orszag on talk shows]. Maybe you couldn't feel it through the TV screen, but I am telling you! I interviewed this guy. He's got the kavorka." –Jon Stewart

"Folks, I fear we are headed back to those dark days between 1972 and 1976 when a liberal Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty just because it was being 'wantonly and freakishly imposed.' Come on! If we outlawed everything that was wanton and freakish, what would happen to Lady Gaga?" –Stephen Colbert, on reports the death penalty is "fading from use"

Top Ten Things I've Learned From the Last 20 Years of Television
(as presented by Homer Simpson on the Late Show With David Letterman)

10. Better to be bald than have a hairpiece like Letterman.
9. Do not buy sushi from the Home Shopping Network.
8. Thanks to iTunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents.
7. Widesceen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head.
6. Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats.
5. Sitting close to the TV is a cheap alternative to a tanning salon.
4. No one on Earth is funnier than Howie Mandel.
3. There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap."
2. Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck?
1. Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool

Late-Night TV Videos
Jay Leno Jokes About Cancellation Rumors in Monologue
Craig Ferguson Talks Leno/Conan Rumors
Colbert Grills Henry Kissinger, Puts Transgender Rumors To Rest
Daily Show: Peter Orszag Sex Scandal

Jan. 6, 2010

"Well, the story about the 23-year-old Nigerian man, who put the explosives in his underpants still continues to dominate the news. Boy that shows you how time can change, you know? When I was 23, the only thing I ever put in my underpants was a rolled up sock." –Jay Leno

"According to TMZ, Joan Rivers was detained by airport security in Costa Rica because her married name was Joan Rosenberg, on her passport, and they wouldn't let her leave. See, they're very vigilant down there in Costa Rica, you know? Maybe we can try that here in this country sometime." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about." –Jay Leno

"Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring." –Jay Leno

"After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and Mitt Romney was on 'Fox and Friends.' He talked about his plan to run for president in 2012. It could be Mitt Romney versus Sarah Palin, which would be quite a matchup. I mean, one is a former governor obsessed with looks and hair. And the other, of course, is from Alaska." –Jay Leno

"The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common." –Jay Leno

"An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'" –Jay Leno

"Joan Rivers was reportedly very angry on Sunday because she was detained at an airport by airline security. She was detained at the airport because her passport photo was taken ten faces ago." –Craig Ferguson

"Congratulations to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, and his wife just had a son in Oregon. Or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The child's name is Austin Robinson. Next week, he'll go before the Senate, and if they confirm him, he becomes the official nephew of President Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They have an interesting tradition in the Obama family. Every new baby born into the Obama family is baptized by Oprah in a 24-karat gold tub full of angel tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The religious right is upset over transgender Cabinet appointee Amanda Simpson, saying Obama picked her as part of the 'transsexual agenda.' so, I'm pretty sure 'get appointed to the Cabinet' is the second goal on the transsexual agenda, right after 'swap out genitalia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden's dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden." –David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Airport

10. To check a bag, it's a thousand bucks.
9. Security checkpoint workers encourage you to frisk them.
8. For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel.
7. Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner."
6. All flights depart at the same time.
5. Airport is home to 7 of world's 10 deadliest snakes
4. Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter.
3. Them: "Where are you traveling?" You: "San Francisco." Them: "We'll get you as close as we can."
2. I don't remember planes having to parallel park quite so much.
1. At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama Blows a Perfect Bumper Sticker Opportunity
Colbert Report: The Crapification of the American Pantscape

Jan. 5, 2010

"The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change." –Jay Leno

"Well, the good news — you know the Nigerian underwear bomber? He is now in custody. Remember the good old days when the only threat from Nigeria was spam email? From the prince. He had a thousand dollars. What happened?" –Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of people complaining that traveling here in the United States is a pain; we shouldn't have to go through a pat-down search. You think you should? Yeah, I mean, hey, when you go to a football stadium, they pat you down, right, huh? I mean, shouldn't the country be as least as hard to get into as a Cleveland Browns game? Don't you think?" –Jay Leno

"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno

"The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald's announcing they're bringing back the McRib sandwich." –Jay Leno

"You know, the McRib is coming back. That's why Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the hospital. I knew there was something going on!" –Jay Leno

"Anyway, the doctor who examined Rush Limbaugh says that he's fine, back to normal. That's good to know. You know, they asked about every possible problem they could think of, and when Rush blamed every one of them on Barack Obama, they knew, 'Oh, he's just fine, back to normal.'" –Jay Leno

"And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut." –Jay Leno

"Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now." –David Letterman

"Remember they had the big state dinner for the Prime Minister of India and a couple of people who weren't invited show up, the Salahis? And now it turns out there was a third person who was not invited that showed up at the state dinner. I mean, it's a little crazy. I mean, before that, the only person I knew who showed up at the White House without the proper credentials was George Bush." –David Letterman

"But I think the thing that's still bothering people — there's a flight, it originates overseas, they make a stop in Amsterdam and then they come to Detroit and there's a guy on the plane over Detroit and he's wearing exploding underpants and he tries to blow up the plane. Exploding underpants. That's what it's come to, ladies and gentlemen. Exploding underpants. Do you remember the old Road Runner cartoons? Isn't that something you could get from Acme? Couldn't you get the big crate and there'd be the exploding underpants?" –David Letterman

"A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think." –Conan O'Brien

"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama spent the day talking to officials about airline security. One of the things they are doing is adding dozens of names to the no-fly list. Uh, hello, have you tried flying out of Newark? We're all on the no-fly list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you guys hear about this? The Secret Service just discovered that a third uninvited guest got into Obama's state dinner back in November, although Joe Biden insists he was actually invited." –Jimmy Fallon

"I was reading today that President Obama has started updating the Oval Office to reflect his personality, which basically just means he took down President Bush's autographed cast photo from the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow at the White House, President Obama is going to recognize a group of teachers for their award-winning work in teaching math and science. Obama said he's looking forward to it, because he always likes meeting people from China." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of states are faced subzero temperatures this week. Everyone's taking precautions. In fact, airports are on the lookout for thermal underwear bombers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about the guy that blew up his underpants? People are mad about that. I think it's funny. I don't know. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. You would never guess he'd be mixed up in something like this. Not Abdulmutallab." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fortunately his bomb didn't work how he wanted. He was tackled by a Dutch filmmaker, which, that had to be embarrassing. Tackled by a Dutch filmmaker." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And conservatives have been criticizing President Obama. I guess they figure with ears like that he should have overheard something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, after the shoe bomber, they made us take off our shoes. Now, this underwear thing, could be a real problem. I wonder if mothers of terrorists tell their kids to wear clean underwear in case something great happens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's talk now we may have to go through these full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayek goes to the airport, there's going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Brit Hume For Tiger Woods Christianity Comments
Colbert Knocks Conservative Pundits For Promoting Racial Profiling

Jan. 4, 2010

"Even if the bomb works, there's going to be 72 very disappointed virgins." –Jon Stewart on the Underwear Bomber

"Good to see everybody. You know, it is good to be back. We were off for Christmas, and apparently so was the Department of Homeland Security." –Jay Leno

"I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system." –Jay Leno

"He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn't go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.'" –Jay Leno

"After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. See, that's how international travel works. If your name is Senator John Kerry and you're a former candidate for President of the United States, your travel is limited. If your name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you stow a bomb in your underpants, you pay cash for a one-way ticket after your father called the embassy and said, 'My kid is an idiot,' ooh, you can go anywhere you want." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries." –Jay Leno

"Actually, no one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things." –Jay Leno

"Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"How about this 23-year-old kid from Nigeria? Goes to Yemen and he's flying to Detroit, and he wants to blow the plane up. He sets his underpants on fire. And thank God the passengers on the plane subdue the guy. They secure him, they tie him up and they move him to first class. Are we sending the right message there, really?" –David Letterman

"And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They're saying, 'Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.' And I'm telling you, this guy paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?" –David Letterman

"Here's good news. Isn't it about time we had a little good news? Our good friend Regis Philbin had hip replacement surgery. He's back on the job. That means only ten million unemployed people to go." –David Letterman

"Oh, how about this? Rush Limbaugh, there's a big boy. He was also in the hospital. He said he had chest pains and I thought, oh he is just trying to get some of those painkillers. That's what he is doing." –David Letterman

"But here's how it works. Here's the official line of succession in control of the Republican Party. If Rush Limbaugh is disabled in any way, then control of the party is passed to Glenn Beck. That's the line of succession." –David Letterman

"President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of 'Avatar.' There was an awkward moment when one of Obama's daughters leaned over to him and whispered, 'Now, that's how you spend half a billion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Has everybody here seen 'Avatar?' Great movie, wasn't it? Even President Obama took his family to see it at a private screening in Hawaii. After the movie, Obama was like, 'So that's what it's like when something lives up to its hype.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? Rush Limbaugh was released from a hospital in Hawaii two days after suffering from chest pains. He's fine. Doctors say they don't know what caused it, but it may have something to do with being an overweight man whose job is being enraged." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everyone's back from vacation today. In Washington, President Obama returned to the Oval Office after spending the holidays in Hawaii. And Joe Biden returned after spending the holidays on his home planet.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Did you go and see the 'Avatar' movie? The 3-D blockbuster has now made one billion dollars. Today, the auto industry issued a statement. They'd like to remind people that all their cars are in 3-D." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Skewers Underwear Bomber, Airline Security
Colbert Passes Stones With U.S. Curling Team

Dec. 23, 2009

"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.'" ?" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957." ?" –Conan O'Brien

"Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It's like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged." –David Letterman

"Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot." –David Letterman

"Well, it's been a long time coming . . . But tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. is the Senate's big healthcare vote. Which means starting at 5 a.m., me and my buddies will be tailgating in the Senate parking lot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren't allowed to drive over there." –Jay Leno

Dec. 22, 2009

"It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there's a lesson here: In America it's better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he's completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, 'I'm halfway done.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney has been named 'Conservative of the Year' by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time 'Dick Cheney' and 'human' have been used in the same sentence. Dick Cheney was also named 'gas-bag of the year' by Gas-Bag magazine." –David Letterman

"Everyone is talking about healthcare. President Obama is working around the clock on the bill. In fact, I heard he may even delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii just to get it done. As a result, his approval rating among Sasha and Malia is now at a record low zero percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said on a radio show this morning that he and Michelle decided several years ago not to exchange Christmas presents. That's nice. My wife and I made the same decision a few years ago and let me tell you, it's a trap, Obama! Don't fall for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama brought cookies to kids at a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, and he said to the kids, 'Here's the question: have you guys been good?' Then the kids were like, 'Here's another question: Did you get us the Olympics? How about a public option? Did you fix the economy? No? Then why don't you just hand over the cookies, Barry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The healthcare bill won't have a public option. But Obama was like, 'The public option is not the most important aspect' of the healthcare bill because 'only a few million people' would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like 'Ummm . . . we can hear you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 21, 2009

"That's pretty amazing, isn't that snowstorm? I mean, President Obama spends one day in Copenhagen, global warming is solved. It is over." –Jay Leno

"In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change." –Jay Leno

"Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again." –Jay Leno

"Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!" –Jay Leno

"Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we're willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that's great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that's terrific." –Jay Leno

"This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that's when John McCain gets up to pee." –Conan O'Brien

"The Senate's health care bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Because, really, what's more American than waiting until Christmas Eve to finally wrap something up?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw this today. President Obama said, 'The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers' money like it's Monopoly money.' Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we're sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That's like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert." –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 18-19, 2009

"Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a 'McCain for President' visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate's name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit." –Seth Meyers

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it's called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill." –Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck is on the show tonight. I can't believe he took the time out from the U.N. climate conference to be here." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there." –Conan O'Brien

"Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life." –Conan O'Brien

"The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods' wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she's single she'll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Conan O'Brien

"In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he'd taught to fire a gun." –Conan O'Brien

"Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe." –David Letterman

"Barack Obama's approval rating is down to 44 percent. I'd kill for numbers like that. The poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis don't even want to be seen with him." –David Letterman

"I read that Washington, D.C. is gonna get a ton of snow this weekend. If it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done — you know, sort of like when it's not snowing." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's freezing in D.C. In fact, today, Sasha and Malia had to help Biden get his tongue unstuck from the flag pole. They were like, 'We shouldn't have dared him to do that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Fox News yesterday, White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn't 'given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen.' Wow, in one year we've gone from 'Yes we can!' to 'We haven't totally given up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama had some tough words for congressmen who aren't backing his healthcare bill. He told Rep. Peter DeFazio, 'Don't think we're not keeping score, brother.' Then he took a minute to introduce is new speechwriter — Hulk Hogan." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jay Leno: Glenn Beck Interview
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Dec. 17, 2009

"Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama's approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House." –Jay Leno

"Remember the phrase, 'hope and change'? They amended it today. Now it's 'don't give up hope, nothing is going to change.'" –Jay Leno

"Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn't that amazing? The only two people that couldn't get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"The Obama Administration announced today that the Shinnecock Indians on Long Island will be federally recognized, which means they can now build a casino in New York City. The White House recognized them as an official tribe after meeting with the four tribal leaders, Fat Tony, Louie the Barber, Crazy Sal, and Momo Ricardo. The Gambino tribe, indigenous people to the area." –Jay Leno

"And listen to this. After one single senator, just one senator — Joe Lieberman of Connecticut — was able to block passage of the Medicare buy-in provision of that health care bill, some people are calling for the Senate to begin experimenting with a whole new way of doing business. Yeah, it's called majority rules. They're thinking of trying it to see how it works." –Jay Leno

"Well, on the news today, people are complaining that we can't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can't even find Tiger Woods in Florida." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They're going to go in there and vote." –David Letterman

"But they don't think that the health care bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I'm going too. Here's the idea. It's got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, 'Here's the deal. You send us a windmill and we'll send you Joe Lieberman.'" –David Letterman

"Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a 'bitch.' Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot." –David Letterman

"It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year's resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know what to make out of this. NASA is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. Man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? 'Come on, Barry, just pee. We got to get back to Earth, man.' 'I can't do it. Everyone is staring at me, man. Stop looking at me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama's Socialist Christmas Ornament Program

Dec. 16, 2009

"Did you hear about what happened a couple of months ago at the White House? There were some tourists taking the tour of the White House. And the next thing you know, they're invited to have breakfast with the president. So they went in and had breakfast with the president. And it turns out it was a huge mistake. They crashed breakfast with the president. And everybody was very upset, because they were supposed to crash a cabinet meeting." –David Letterman

"But the Secret Service said that the couple had been properly screened. Well, that's great. Who's screening the Secret Service? That's what I want to know!" –David Letterman

"But you know in the old days, when President Bush was down there in the White House, we didn't have security breaches. And I'll tell you why. We had 'Shotgun' Dick Cheney running things." –David Letterman

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." –David Letterman

"I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that's what happened." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

"This is the time of the year Time magazine announces their person of the year. You know who it is this year? The chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke. All right, girls, please, settle down, O.K.! He's not here, all right?" –David Letterman

"Wow, yeah. That was a big surprise. They selected Ben Bernanke as the — all right! Please! Once more and you're out of here, O.K.?" –David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You guys, listen to this. It turns out the Secret Service accidentally let another random couple into a private reception with Obama, which means at this point the White House is slightly less exclusive than the Burger King Kids Club." –Jimmy Fallon

"And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?" –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning, 'Time' magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke its 2009 Person of the Year. I'm not sure he deserves it. I think 'Time' just knows what everybody in the magazine business knows - you put Bernanke on the cover and you're going to sell some copies." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it 'won't include everything that everybody wants.' For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has written a personal letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong- Il, in an effort to improve relations. It may not work because the letter starts, 'Dear Mr. Girly Glasses.'" –Conan O'Brien

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"Well, earlier this week at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation's top Wall Street bankers face-to-face. The meeting went well, although the bankers did charge President Obama 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front. See, it costs more if you see them in person." –Jay Leno

"And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it's paying back $25 billion it borrowed. And Bank of America says they've paid back the $45 billion in taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. You'll never see it again, O.K.? It is gone. It is gone forever." –Jay Leno

"This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there." –Jay Leno

"They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's got two different women living in two different houses. Anyway, he bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to work." –Jay Leno

"President Obama — this is an odd bit of news — he is going to appear on a WWE wrestling special. Clearly, he wants another one of them peace prizes." –Craig Ferguson

"But Obama's taking this appearance seriously. He's been practicing by repeatedly hitting Joe Biden over the head with a folding chair." –Craig Ferguson

"This, by the way, is the first time a president has participated in a wrestling event, if you don't count Bill Clinton's mud wrestling fiasco towards the end of his …" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Ingraham for Comparing Health Care Reform to the Holocaust
Stephen Colbert on Privatizing the Patriot Act

Dec. 15, 2009

"Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately, it's being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah visited the Obamas at the White House on Sunday night for her 'Christmas at the White House' special. She's actually thinking of buying the White House, and so she was scouting it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, one White House official said that the recession was over. And then, another White House official said, no, it's definitely not over. You wonder how those party crashers got in, huh?" –David Letterman

"But the White House announced that Guantanamo Bay's detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. There's like 500 terrorists and suspected terrorists and alleged terrorists down there in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. And they'll be moved now to a prison in Illinois. And I was thinking, well, this really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics." –David Letterman

"You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? She is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. Doesn't believe it is true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Maybe she really doesn't read all the newspapers." –David Letterman

"The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it's Washington, you're not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster." –Jay Leno

"Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd." –Jay Leno

"History was made this week. This weekend Houston became the city to ever elect an openly lesbian mayor. That's not the part that made history. The part that made history, finally a woman in the news not accused of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, President Obama was at a Home Depot. He said was looking for the perfect shovel to whack Joe Lieberman in the head with." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, Barack Obama hosted the first of two White House holiday parties for the press. It was a good time until Helen Thomas started hogging the karaoke machine. It was terrible. The only song she knew was 'Single Ladies.' It was really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration's first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish." –Jimmy Fallon

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Clearly, Lieberman has gone from having Joe-mentum to having Joe-mentia." –Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert: Senile Lieberman Suffering From "Joe-Mentia"
Daily Show: Economic Recovery Called on Account of Fog

Dec. 14, 2009

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, Santa's got a good way of sneaking into the White House. He's just going to go with the two party crashers. 'Ho, ho, ho! I'm on the list.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This should be interesting. President Obama announced that he will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., tomorrow to discuss energy saving techniques, although everyone expects the meeting to get a little late start after the Home Depot employee sends him to the wrong aisle. 'President meeting? That's in aisle five, I think. It might be aisle six. You know, it's not my department. I don't know.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a 'B-plus.' Then, Oprah shook her head and said, 'I didn't pay for a B-plus.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation's top Wall Street bankers. And you know, these Wall Street bankers, they just don't get it, you know? Like, they walked into the White House and said to Obama: 'You live in this dump? What is this, the guest house? Please!'" –Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them — this is true — because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn't that unbelievable? Do you realize it's harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!" –Jay Leno

"Well, in fact — if you saw it on '60 Minutes' last night — President Obama said never again will an unexpected guest sneak into the White House, so more bad news for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what's it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"How about this guy, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? He is in Milan over the weekend. He's signing autographs and somebody throws a statuette at the guy and literally breaks his face wide open. Threw a statue at the guy. And I think this hasn't happened since, well, since I hosted the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"Hit him in the face with a statuette and then he backed over a fire hydrant. Yup. And then Gillette dropped him as a sponsor." –David Letterman

"You know what is great about this country? This time of year especially, you get people like Oprah, who is powerful and an icon and an American treasure and transcends television. She's a humanitarian. And last night, she had a big Christmas special that she videotaped at the White House. And it was just tremendous. But now, she interviewed the president and already, trouble. Trouble already. I mean, the Republicans are now complaining that President Obama bowed too low to Oprah. It's just awful." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show on Global Warming Conference
Colbert's Exclusive Interview With Obama
Jon Stewart Defends Hanukkah to Santa Claus

Dec. 11-12, 2009

"Yesterday, President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a swede." –Jay Leno

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"Next week, the Obama administration will host their first Hanukkah party at the White House. And according to the New York Times, a lot of people are upset, because it's a little smaller this year, and they weren't invited. They weren't invited. Hey, it's the White House. You just sneak in, okay?" –Jay Leno

"During a speech on the economy, President Obama said this week, 'We have to continue to spend our way out of the recession.' To which Nicholas Cage said, 'That's what I've been trying to do!'" –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

"The president got the Peace Prize yesterday. That was a big event yesterday in Norway. Yeah, yesterday in Norway, President Obama gave a speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize, and Will Smith was in the crowd. Did you know that? Will Smith was sitting in the crowd. Amazing. Yeah, the place was packed with Norwegians and yet somehow Obama was able to spot Will Smith." –Conan O'Brien

"The environmental summit has gone on in Copenhagen, the big UN Summit on climate change. Thank god this has taken place because I want to tell you, when the UN tackles a problem, it's gone. Adios, it's gone." –David Lettemran

"A lot of heads of state at the Copenhagen summit, and a lot of scientists, and scientists are guys that don't get out a lot. They're always staring into beakers. So when they're around other scientists, it's kind of a party, you know what I'm saying? Kind of a party. So the hottest pickup line at the Copenhagen Climate Summit is, 'Is it getting hotter, or is it just me?'" –David Lettemran

"Wait till you hear this. A new poll found that 44% of Americans would rather have Bush back as the president. The scary part is that one of those people was President Obama. He's like, 'Please, be my guest.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the Global Warming Summit, make sure to cap your emissions." –Seth Meyers

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

"A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air" –Seth Meyers

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: Sarah Palin Mocks William Shatner
SNL: Adulterers' Press Conference
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Dec. 10, 2009

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He accepted a Nobel Peace Prize in Norway. I don't want to say this Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize, and his overall performance has just won an Oscar." –Craig Ferguson

"There was a lot of controversy for President Obama in Norway, because apparently, he snubbed the Norwegian royal family. He snubbed them by canceling lunch with them. And I'm like, well don't be silly, Norwegian royal family. Even if the president doesn't invite you, just show up and crash the party. That's how we do it in America.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The peace prize was handed out in Oslo, Norway, but Oslo's been in news this week because of that big swirly thing in the sky over Oslo. Wait! Wait! Strange starlike object over Oslo, right before Obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men. Nah. No. Even MSNBC are going, 'Nah, you took it too far.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, some people say that the light was a UFO coming to welcome Obama, which is of course ridiculous. Because if it was really a UFO, they would take Joe Biden back to his home planet. 'Come on, Joe, you've bothered these people long enough. Let's go and embarrass the people of Pluto."' –Craig Ferguson

"It sure is cold. So cold that Osama bin Laden was seen hiding in the border region between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale." –David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars." –David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. During his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech in Norway, Obama stated, 'Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.' Obama got those words from his new speechwriter, Ken Hallmark." –Jimmy Fallon

"The chairman of the Nobel committee remarked that Obama's leadership is a 'call to action,' not to be confused with Bill Clinton's leadership, which was a call to get action." –Jimmy Fallon

"The elementary school in Indonesia where President Obama went as a child, they just unveiled a statue of him as a 10-year-old. It's very realistic. In fact, today Biden spent, like, 20 minutes talking to it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The sculptor said that he worked on it for, like, two months, but after he finished the ears, the rest took, like, five minutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secretary Timothy Geithner confirmed today we are expected to lose $30 billion from our investment in the auto industry, to which Bernie Madoff goes, 'Hey, I could have done better than that.'" –Jay Leno

"You know, a lot of people don't understand why President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, you know something? Look around you. Our factories, peaceful. I went to the mall this week, peaceful. They had an open house near my house, not one person came in. It's a peaceful economy here." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to Time magazine, even though college degrees costs more today, they're worth less in the job market, which is hard to believe, isn't it? There's a job market?" –Jay Leno

"Senate Democrats proposed a $1.1 trillion spending bill that will provide funding for government agencies, foreign aid, and local construction projects. And also, since it's so close to Christmas, a pony!" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers." –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama's Nobel Speech
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Rips Glenn Beck Over His Gold Endorsements

Dec. 9, 2009

"Do you know what President Obama is doing tomorrow? And this is kind of cool, especially if you're the president. He's going to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. And as you know, the Nobel Prize is a predictor of the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I looked this up. In the history of presidents in the United States, only two have won Nobel Prizes while they were in office. The first one, of course, Woodrow Wilson, because he is the man that they credit for ending World War I; second, Theodore Roosevelt, for, what? Yes. He invented the Teddy Bear."  –David Letterman

"The Salahis — now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway."  –David Letterman

"Well, did you hear about this, ladies and gentlemen? I thought this was exciting. Our top commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, says that it's time now to get Osama bin Laden. Why not? All right."  –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been sneaking into Afghanistan from Pakistan and as a matter of fact, in Afghanistan, he lost $125 million in the casino."  –David Letterman

"You know how I warmed up today? I stayed inside and watched the coverage of the global warming conference." –Jay Leno

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" –Jay Leno

"And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, 'socialism.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a '6-year-old with a crayon could' come up with those same poll results. You know, I'll bet it's the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with." –Jay Leno

"Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." –Jay Leno

"And after a 13-year legal dispute over historical accounting mistakes by the Department of the Interior, the government has agreed to pay more than $3 billion in reparations to American Indians for the way they were treated, to which black people said, 'Hello? Civil War, hello! Slavery, we're here, anybody?'" –Jay Leno

"I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea." –Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl." –Jimmy Fallon

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president and first lady are getting criticism from the right today. I know, who could have seen this coming? But they're getting criticism because they sent out the White House holiday card, and it says, 'Season's Greetings' on it, makes no mention of Christmas, and doesn't have a passage from the Bible in it like the ones the Bushes used to send out. But actually, it does keep one beloved George Bush holiday card tradition alive, and that is the funny sound effect when you open the card. It wouldn't be Christmas without that." –Jimmy Kimmel|

Stephen Colbert on the "GOP Purity Test," which defines 10 bedrock Republican principles: "They're like the Ten Commandments, if one of the tablets said 'F' and the other said 'U.' I believe this is perfect. A party of white Christian men who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity." (Watch video clip)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many  Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Destroys the GOP Purity Test
Conan Mocks Dick Cheney's "Radical" Take On Obama

Dec. 8, 2009

"How about the couple that sneaked into the White House for the big state dinner? Now, they're going to be subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security committee. And I thought, well finally, they're being invited somewhere." –David Letterman

"But I mean honestly, you can't blame the Salahis for going where they're not invited. I mean, isn't that our foreign policy?" –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been slipping into Afghanistan. He likes to go into Afghanistan, do a little shopping, see a couple of shows, have dinner and then he goes home." –David Letterman

"Yesterday — did you hear about this? You know who Sarah Palin is? She's at a book signing and somebody heaves a tomato at her. That's not good, but at least finally she and I have something in common." –David Letterman

"You know, the global warming? They're having the big summit in Copenhagen, and it's being held this month over there in Denmark. Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is they're able to move the global warming conference outdoors." –David Letterman

"And tomorrow at the global warming conference, a Martian shows up in Copenhagen to issue the Earth a dire warning." –David Letterman

"But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That's going to cool things off a little bit." –David Letterman

"Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA's controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We've got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis." –Jay Leno

"Hey, remember that incident last week with the uninvited guests sneaking into the White House? Well, three Secret Service officers have now been put on administrative leave after that security breach. But you know something? The White House should have seen this coming. You know what those three guys were doing before White House security? Border guards. Yeah, so, they should have known." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and some crime news in Chicago. Burglars broke into the office of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Well, here's the amazing part. Prosecutors said there was still less criminal activity than when Blagojevich was there." –Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin's book, 'Going Rogue,' number one on the New York Times best-sellers. Well, sadly, Sarah Palin will never know that because, as you know, she does not read The New York Times." –Jay Leno

"And according to The Globe, Levi Johnston, you know the idiot? He's writing his memoirs. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron to help him."
"This is interesting. A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It's a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, ABC aired 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Finally aired it. It was, you know, that warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president's speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people were upset when the president postponed the Charlie Brown special. Obama himself had to deal with some tantrums when he got home. He had to give Joe Biden a timeout." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, the 'Today' show was live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head-to-head with Afghanistan's number one morning show, 'Good Morning and Death to America.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Mike Huckabee Interview
Jimmy Fallon: Rachael Maddow Discusses Palin's Book

Dec. 7, 2009

"Hey, listen to this. According to The New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers sneak into the White House have now been placed on leave. And today, the party crashers felt so bad for them, they called and said, 'Listen, we know how you can get back in.'" –Jay Leno

"Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don't think Michelle's going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer." –Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, 'Happy Holidays.' The other 78% say, 'Feliz Navidad.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Well, hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Wood's house." –David Letterman

"Tell the truth. How many of you folks are here tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater because you couldn't sneak into the White House?" –David Letterman

"Honestly, how many of you — the Salahis. They had a big state dinner for the guy and all of a sudden there's a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. 'Oh, hello. How do you do, nice to see you.' It's the Salahis — nobody knows who they are, nobody cares who they are, they weren't invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy's got to have fun! You know what I mean? What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama. Did you hear about this? He spoke at a town hall last week and a student stood up and asked him if he would consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the student's follow-up question was, 'Do you ever hear colors?'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa, a large group of people waited outside a Sarah Palin book signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The large group of people was known as the Iowa Democratic Party." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, are you guys excited about the U.N. climate change conference in Copenhagen? Yeah! Starting today, President Obama said the U.S. can reduce carbon emissions by 17 percent by the year 2020. Then he was like, 'Of course, by then, I'll be out of office, so I can promise anything I want. By 2020, a free Xbox for every man, woman and child. By 2040, a Megan Fox clone for every dude. Not my problem, call President Timberlake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Fifteen thousand people talking about climate change for two weeks. It's basically Al Gore's version of Ozzfest." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking about Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center last night, President Obama said, 'I'm the President, but he's the Boss.' And then Biden was like, 'Then who the hell is Tony Danza?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Kennedy Center Honors Security
Colbert: Air Quotes Will Fix FOX News
Letterman Takes On Tiger Woods Affairs With Several Nods To His Own Indiscretion

Dec. 4-5, 2009

"During an interview Tuesday on the 'Today' show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration's first state dinner, said the ensuing media firestorm has destroyed everything we worked for, but then they remembered they have never worked for anything." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

"Cable giant Comcast this week finalized a deal to acquire control of NBC Universal from General Electric for $6 billion. The final sticking point to the deal was GE convincing Comcast that it's still 1996." –Seth Meyers

"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." –Seth Meyers

"It was a busy night at the White House last night. And they had a big party. And during the evening, this is true, President Obama got up and danced with Santa Claus. That happened, yeah. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama dances with old man who makes kid sit on his lap.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The unemployment numbers came out and even though the unemployment rate went down slightly, seven million fewer people are employed compared to last year. The one positive outcome: seven million fewer people will be subjected to an office Christmas party this year." -Jimmy Fallon

"Oprah Winfrey will sit down with the Obamas at the White House for an Oprah prime-time Christmas special. For the taping there will be dozens of Secret Service guys, sharp shooters, bomb-sniffing dogs. And of course, Obama will have protection too." -Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Spoofs the White House Party Crashers

Dec. 3, 2009

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings? White House security." –Jay Leno

"Oh, how is this for nerve? That White House party-crashing couple refused an invitation to testify before Congress today. Unbelievable. The one thing they actually get invited to, they don't show up." –Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been reported that President Obama's speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC's new shows, 'Afghanistan's Got Talent,' 'Law & Order: Kabul,' and 'The Tonight Show With Hamid O'Karzai.'" –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Dec. 2, 2009

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama last night ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable." –Jay Leno

"The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security." –Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? Get rid of the Secret Service, bring in some nightclub bouncers." –Jay Leno

"But this is serious, because that couple who crashed the White House state dinner ended up meeting the president. Did you see that? There's a photo of them meeting face-to-face with President Obama, which is amazing when you realize that even Fox News had not met face-to-face with President Obama." –Jay Leno

"And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." –Jay Leno

"I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad." –Craig Ferguson
Conan

"Last night, President Obama gave a speech at West Point. Right in the middle, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly said that President Obama's speech was 'no Gettysburg address.' When he heard this, Larry King said: 'How would you know? I don't remember seeing you there.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine plans to announce its 'Person of the Year' next week. And top contenders include President Obama and Steve Jobs. The other top contender? The one guy who still reads Time magazine." –Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting. A list of this year's 15 most commonly used words has been released. And it includes H1N1, deficit and health care. Not making the list this year, Chrysler-mania." –Conan O'Brien

"After three months of will he or won't he, the president went on all the major networks and NBC to finally reveal what he is going to do about Afghanistan. And for critics who say Americans haven't sacrificed for these wars, well, they have now. Because last night, the president's speech actually preempted the annual showing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Good grief, it's literally a war on Christmas." –Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: Obama Is Channeling Bush
Colbert Fixes Obama's Afghanistan Speech

Dec. 1, 2009

""The Secret Service just announced that due to that couple crashing the White House state dinner last week, they will change some of their screening policies. For example, the password to get into the White House will no longer be, 'Seriously, they said we could come.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After months of deliberation, our president, President Obama, tonight revealed his much-anticipated plans for Afghanistan. Turns out he's decided to pave it over and make a Wal-Mart out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Chelsea will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Crushes Glenn Beck For Latest "Hysterical" Attack On Obama
Jon Stewart Takes on Climategate

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Read Jokes from Previous Weeks