"Senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president of the United States. Wow! Wow. He is going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton. Well, with that endorsement, I believe the Obama camp has won the support of its first white male." --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia primary with nearly 70% of the vote. That's a lot. Yeah, apparently Hillary would've gotten even more votes from the West Virginians, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, after Hillary won the West Virginia primary, she held a campaign rally and she said, this is a quote. 'It's not over and I will never give up.' Yeah. And she flew off on her broom and said, 'And I'll kill your little dog, too!'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain, of course, no one is really paying attention to him right now, but he's everywhere, trying to get attention. Yesterday on 'Live with Regis and Kelly,' John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. Yeah, the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village." --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She was the big winner in West Virginia last night, with 67 percent of the vote versus 26 percent for Barack Obama, who hasn't had numbers that low since the last time he went bowling." --Jay Leno

"You can tell Hillary was kind of pandering to voters in West Virginia. Like today, she promised if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anybody with teeth." --Jay Leno

"No, but, hey, give her credit. Hillary Clinton is living proof of the American dream. Think about it. If you work hard and really put your mind to it, you can watch someone else become president." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for Hillary. Just a few hours ago, John Edwards announced he will be endorsing Barack Obama. Well, the rumor is that Barack Obama promised him, if elected, he would offer him the cabinet position of Secretary of Shampoo and Highlights." --Jay Leno

"Although, Hillary Clinton was quick to point out Dennis Kucinich still has not endorsed anyone yet. Still on the fence there. I don't want to say Hillary is doing badly in the delegate count, but she's so far behind, her Secret Service code name is now NBC." --Jay Leno

"And according to a survey in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of Americans think John McCain is too old to be president. When they told John McCain about this, he said, 'Huh?'" --Jay Leno

"And the Energy Department said today that gas prices will peak next month at $3.75 a gallon, which surprised a lot of people. We actually have an Energy Department? Hey, where is it?" --Jay Leno

"Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can't be seated. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry. It's the Democrats' ruling." --Jay Leno

"No, Howard Dean was once the biggest Internet phenomenon until that 'Leave Britney alone' guy came out." --Jay Leno

"Where is President Bush? Well, I'll tell you where President Bush is today. President Bush is in Israel. That's where he is today. He is there looking for kinishes of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"You know who was in town this morning? John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He was on the 'Regis and Kelly' program this morning. And I don't know, maybe he was tired. I don't know what the deal was. He seemed a little confused. He kept calling Regis 'Maury.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the reason, the day before, John McCain was in the Pacific Northwest, and one of the things he did, he strolled through a redwood forest, took a nice, long walk through a redwood forest, and you know what, folks? He was the oldest thing in the forest." --David Letterman

"Hillary won big in West Virginia, Hillary won big. But here's the thing, her campaign is broke. They're out of money. $21 Million in debt. That's a lot of money to be in debt running for president, you know. And here's how desperate it is. Today, Hillary is so broke, she was shopping at Bob's Discount Pantsuits." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary last night. She raked in 20 of the 28 delegates for West Virginia, which means now she has even more of no chance to win this thing. She still refuses to quit. Hillary said she's going to continue to run, no matter what the voters say." --Jimmy Kimmel

"To add to Hillary's misery today, former North Carolina senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama in Michigan. ... And if there was ever any doubt that Barack Obama has what it takes to be a president of the United States, that doubt was erased during a campaign stop in Oregon [on screen: video of Obama saying he's visited all 57 states]. As you can see there, he's definitely ready to take over for President Bush. He needs rest. Some crazy lady keeps calling him at 3:00 a.m. every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton gave a speech. She said, this is a quote, 'A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.' That's true, yeah. Then Hillary pointed to her husband and said, 'And a man is like a douchebag.' ... I can't believe she said that." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, big blowout in West Virginia's primary tonight. Yeah, she's the big winner in West Virginia. Which means that one day, she could be president of West Virginia." -Jay Leno

"You know, Hillary's campaign [is] $20 million in debt. $20 million, which proves, if anything, she could be president." --Jay Leno

"In fact, money is so tight in her campaign, I understand today, she was wearing a rented pantsuit." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting? Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. That's what they called it today, 'the moment of truth.' I love politics. They campaign and lie to us for six months, but we only get a moment of truth. Why can't we have a little more truth?" --Jay Leno

"And you know this talk about vice president. You've heard this rumor going around. George Stephanopoulos on ABC said that Hillary would accept the vice presidency, but under certain conditions. Like, if Barack Obama was to get really, really sick. Maybe then." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama slipped up this past week. You know, this campaigning, it's endless, it's hard. Like, in an interview, he said he campaigned in all 57 states. That's what he said. But, see, they all make mistakes. Like Hillary Clinton, the only two states she knows are Florida and Michigan. John McCain, he still thinks there's only 13 colonies." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about this? This is kind of an interesting idea. In a move they say could revolutionize politics, John McCain and Barack Obama said they might campaign together, go out together. Yeah, they're going to bill themselves as 'Ebony and History.' No, but they would go out and they would debate each other on the road. You got the older, grumpy white guy, and you got the young, smooth-talking black guy. Doesn't that sound like the premise for the worst sitcom of all time? Coming to NBC, it's 'Grandpa and the Brother!'" --Jay Leno

"And President Bush announced this week that he will go to Saudi Arabia and meet with King Abdullah. That's got to be nerve-wracking for President Bush, huh? Being called to the carpet by the big boss." --Jay Leno

"With all the problems we have going on right here, how many think it's a mistake for him to leave the country? I'm curious. How many think the mistake is him coming back?" --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how low President Bush's approval rating is right now, at his daughter's wedding last weekend, he wasn't in any of the photos. You know that? 'Can you step aside? Excuse me, excuse me, can you move out of the picture?'" --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush and her husband, Henry Hager, are honeymooning in Europe right now. That's what they're doing. And President Bush is nothing if not consistent. Like he said, there's no timetable for bringing him home. That's what he said. They're not bringing him back any time soon." --Jay Leno

"Henry Hager, he was good in Van Halen. I liked him." --Jay Leno

"You know President Bush actually cried at his daughter's wedding? Did you see that in the news? ... I haven't seen a grown man cry like that since Bill Clinton realized Hillary might be coming home a lot sooner than he thought" --Jay Leno

"How about this economy, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn't it stink? And we're really starting to notice it, because in the beginning it was sort of like, okay, a little bit here. But we are really starting to notice the effects of a sour economy in this country. Over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they're watering down the holy water. Honest to God. That's right. It's only 60% holy now." --David Letterman

"And you're not going to believe this. In Times Square today, honestly I saw a hooker in Times Square ... wearing a sign that read, 'Will accept economic stimulus checks.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency." --David Letterman

"But they're not even pretending. Hillary Clinton is so broke now, and this is true, some friends of mine spotted her, in the middle of the night last night, at a laundromat, honest to God, with a hamper full of pantsuits" --David Letterman

"Big Democratic primary in West Virginia tonight. Hillary, of course, has long been predicted to win by 20 to 30 points. This is great news. No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want, and I know that because I read it today in today's 'USA Today,' which ran this headline: 'Dems say let the contest continue,' just above this much smaller headline, 'But more say Clinton should quit, polls show.' Well done, 'USA Today.' Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them" --Stephen Colbert

"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman

"That was so sweet, because at the reception, President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years." --David Letterman

"Beautiful wedding down there in Crawford, Texas. They had a great time. And everybody enjoyed a lovely reception. And Bush danced with all the guests. And then Cheney shot the cake." --David Letterman

"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"But if you look at this historically, it's not that difficult to believe that Hillary would still be campaigning. Listen to this. Once a year, once a year in his basement, Al Gore gives a State of the Union address." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"No, everyone, apparently, had a very good time at the wedding. And afterwards, the press asked him, and President Bush said it was 'spectacular.' Yeah, when asked why, President Bush said, 'Three words: the chicken dance.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is the West Virginia primary. Many political experts are expecting a record voter turnout. They think everyone's going to turn out. West Virginia voters say they're being lured to the polls by the excitement of the campaign, the closeness of the race and the promise of free squirrel meat. I'm gonna get a shotgun blast in the ass for that." --Conan O'Brien

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Before we begin, in case Hillary Clinton is watching, I'd like to point out the exits [on screen: Leno mimics an airline attendant in pointing out the exits]." --Jay Leno

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence." --Jay Leno

"And former congressman Bob Barr entered the race today as a Libertarian. He's a Libertarian. See, I don't think Bush understands these terms. When they asked Bush about it, he said, 'Look, I don't care if the guy doesn't eat meat, what does he stand for?'" --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, still-President Bush celebrated the wedding of his daughter, Jenna. She married Myron Goldblum at Temple Beth El, in, I believe, Dix Hills, Long Island. It's a very reformed synagogue. I kid, of course! The young man's name is Henry Hager. The wedding was at the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas, and the rabbi was a priest. There's a close-up of Jenna's dress [on screen: photo of Jenna Bush in her wedding gown]. She looks lovely in an Oscar de la Renta made of white organza. Because what's she going to do, wear chiffon in May? She's not her father, people. Get over it. ... I'm told that that joke made sense" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

S"Nation, I hope you all caught Clinton spokesman Terry McAuliffe on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. Impressive performance, calm, cool and collected [on screen: McAuliffe talking to NBC's Tim Russert about Clinton's chances in the race]. ... I believe he did the entire interview in one breath. Beat that, David Blaine. Now, everybody knows the number one rule when you appear on 'Meet the Press' is to appeal to the issues Tim Russert cares about, specifically, his father, Big Russ [on screen: video of McAuliffe talking about Russert's dad as if he were dead, then Russert correcting him and telling McAuliffe his father is still alive]. Yes, turns out Russert's father is still alive. But folks, that was no slip of the tongue. The Clintons play hardball, Tim. It was a thinly-veiled threat against your dad. You take it easy on Hillary, or Big Russ will be sucking down scotch in heaven. I hope that Barcalounger does not have its back to a window" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"You know who's getting married tomorrow, do you have any idea? One of the Bush twins. Jenna Bush is getting married tomorrow in Crawford, Texas, and Vice President Dick Cheney will be there, so it's going to be a shotgun wedding." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn't believe in exit strategies." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It'll be a relatively small wedding. Only her family's loved ones will be there: the CEOs of the five major oil companies." --Jay Leno

"Boy, that's got to be every girl's dream, don't you think? Getting married in Crawford, Texas? And to add a little icing to the cake, I understand they're gonna be honeymooning in Plano." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting fact about the wedding a lot of people didn't know. Since her father's approval rating is only 29%, she has asked John McCain to give her away" --Jay Leno

"To help improve his approval ratings, today, President Bush reached out to the gay community. He shook hands with his daughter's wedding planner." --Jay Leno

"According to the most recent exit polls, most people think Hillary Clinton should exit. So that seems the way it's going." --Jay Leno

"Hillary says she's staying in the race because there are new patterns emerging, such as lower educated white men are now supporting her. That's what she said. Polls show she has strong support among lesser-educated white males. So you know what that means: President Bush could be voting for her now." --Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is Hillary's campaign is going broke, and her staff have been told that the future campaign events are gonna have to cut back on the frills. Taking out all the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary are gonna have to share a hotel room." --Jay Leno

"And, you know, I think she's starting to get a little bit desperate. ... Today, in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told the crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, but also brother and sister." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is marking Mother's Day by releasing a video of him talking to his 96-year-old mother. It's, very nice, yeah. There's an awkward moment during the video when Larry King walks by and says, 'Whoa, who's the MILF?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is still out there campaigning. She refuses to give up. And she's giving a lot of interviews. The other day, Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Yeah, Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is." --Conan O'Brien

"Right now, Barack Obama is trailing in the polls in West Virginia. Political experts say it's because Barack doesn't have a lot in common with West Virginia voters. Yeah, after hearing this, Barack said, 'Thank God!'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first daughter, Jenna Bush, is getting married tomorrow at the Bush family brush-clearing facility in Crawford, Texas. So, if you're feeling a little bit low this weekend, maybe you're in a bad mood, things aren't going right, just close your eyes and picture our president doing the chicken dance, because that is what will be happening." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week's issue of 'Time' magazine more or less declares Barack Obama the Democratic nominee. ... Most experts agree he's got the nomination wrapped up, but Hillary Clinton still is not giving up. She says, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And in a way, she's right, because most everyone does want her to get going already. She won't, though." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta." --Seth Meyers

"The state of Israel turns 60 on Thursday, meaning it won't be long before it moves to Florida." --Amy Poehler

"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. Aw, that's cute, said oil." --Amy Poehler

"A lot of pressure now on Hillary Clinton to drop out of the race. She didn't do so well in the primaries the other night. A lot of pressure. And it's been reported, this is the latest, that Barack Obama's campaign is negotiating with Hillary Clinton for her to go away. ... And when he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd love to know how that works.'"--Conan O'Brien

"One of Hillary Clinton's advisers says that the chance of Hillary conceding the nomination to Barack Obama and dropping out of the race is only about 10%. Yeah, however, the adviser admits that if Obama wins the presidency, that number could go as high as 11%. She can hang on." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He's just wandering around. John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, by the way, and my gosh, talk about a fighter. A fighter. But too bad her campaign is running out of money. That's right. And it's very expensive, and they're not paying their bills. As a matter of fact, today, and this very sad, a collection agency repo'ed her pantsuit. That's a true story. You can look that up." --David Letterman

"So here's what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial." --David Letterman

"I was thinking about this, and I'm no political genius. I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"Now here's what I don't understand about government and politics and stuff like that. ... Earlier today, President Bush asked Congress to okay ... an additional $50 billion for his daughter's wedding." --David Letterman

"This weekend, in Crawford, Texas, at the Bush family ranch, one of president Bush's daughter, Jenna, will be getting married. As a matter of fact, tomorrow she is getting married. And I thought this was cute. Because the groom went to President Bush and he asked President Bush for his daughter's hand in marriage. And President Bush said, 'Well, it's okay with me, but you gotta run it by Cheney.'" --David Letterman

"Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, he's the one accused of groping a woman in a Las Vegas parking lot while drunk. The guy's the governor, by the way. But he's filed for divorce. He's now trying to evict his wife from the Governor's Mansion. He's trying to kick her out. Yeah. And he told the press, 'You know what it's like when a woman just won't get the hint and leave?' To which Barack Obama said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now, Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit. No, siree Bob. In fact, the 'New York Times' reported the other night, while they were on stage, you know, Bill Clinton actually wiped away a tear. This is true. And when Hillary saw it, she said, 'Don't worry, Bill, I'll always be here with you.' And he said, 'Don't make it worse!'" --Jay Leno

"Best wishes to President Bush's daughter, Jenna. She's getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they'll have something old and something blue." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes, for some reason, mean a lot more than our votes mean. Even so, it's nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the superdelegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that's going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama, but if Obama wins, there's going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think, now more than ever, we need a President Oprah." --Jimmy Kimmel