For joke updates like Political Humor on Facebook and follow us on Twitter

See Also:
The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Best Jokes of 2011

Latest Late-Night Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Feb. 9, 2012

“Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.” –Jay Leno

“Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” –Jay Leno

“But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder's permit.” –Jay Leno

“ fter the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn't believe in evolution.” –Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O'Brien

“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien

“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word 'iPad' is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” –Jimmy Fallon

More Political Humor:
• Best Jokes of the Week
• Best Jokes of 2011
• Best Jokes About the GOP Candidates

Feb. 8, 2012

"Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement." –David Letterman

"It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him." –David Letterman

"People on the inside tell me that the first thing Romney's going to do if he's elected president is he's going to outlaw casual Friday." –David Letterman

"Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest." –David Letterman

"Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrich scored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions." –Jay Leno

"Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get." –Jay Leno

"Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News." –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 7, 2012

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that's still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don't you ban those? Those do more damage...” –Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It's always the voters who get screwed - right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he's a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“Romney is so confident that he’s getting cocky. He’s already putting the dog on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn't really care about poor people. Now he's backtracking, and he's saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welke.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman’s "Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don’t Want"

10. Dopey
9. Gasbag
8. One-Termer
7. Hasselhoff
6. Italian Cruise Ship Captain
5. German Grandmother
4. Dubya
3. Load
2. Not My Problem
1. Osama

Feb. 6, 2012

“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” –Jay Leno

“One of the most talked about commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“Here's a very bizarre story that was online; a woman in England was born... she's 25 now and very attractive... the women was born with two vaginas. Two vaginas! See, this is the woman who should marry Newt Gingrich! Then he could have a wife and an open marriage at the same time.” –Jay Leno

“After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House." –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.” –David Letterman

Feb. 3-4, 2012

“It is Mormon in America again. What a week Mitt Romney had. He won Florida. It looks like he’s on the way to the nomination. If only he could stop talking.” –Bill Maher

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” –Bill Maher

“He complained of course that the liberal media made him sound like he was an out-of-touch rich dick. His point of view was. ‘You wouldn’t treat Obama this way. I’ll bet you $10,000 you wouldn’t treat Obama this way.’” –Bill Maher

“I think I can prove that Mitt Romney is the whitest man ever because he won Florida, became the undisputed front runner and then the next day, the host of Soul Train killed himself.” –Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney’s gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he’s sending up to the moon colony.” –Bill Maher

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore...but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” –Bill Maher

“Pfizer recalled a million birth control pills. Nothing wrong with them, except they won’t stop you from getting pregnant. Or as the Palin family calls them, Skittles.” –Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” –Seth Meyers

“Romney won the Florida primary with 47 percent of the vote. Or as it’s known in Florida schools, a B minus.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” –Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno

“Sad news for Mitt Romney. He drove out of Florida with a live gator strapped to the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

Feb. 2, 2012

“Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.” –Jimmy Fallon

‎"Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He's an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy." –Stephen Colbert

‎"I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, 'a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'" –Stephen Colbert

‎"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“The next caucus is this Saturday in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It's got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul's campaign; it's got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it's got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That's just to protect him from the poor.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Romney is the only guy who says, ‘You're fired!’ more than Donald Trump. Did you know that?” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's restaurant to show that he's a normal American... just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn't spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d'.” –Jay Leno

“Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.” –Jay Leno

“There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.” –Jay Leno

“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” –Conan O'Brien

“It’s a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump’s head endorsed Gingrich.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.” –David Letterman

“Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.” –David Letterman

“Romney was endorsed by Donald Trump. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 1, 2012

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

"Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial." –David Letterman

"Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I'm not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎"Mitt didn't just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt's tax rate." –Stephen Colbert

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney's campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That's just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he's now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he's switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He's using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he's a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn't Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn't that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they've never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It's the first day of Black History Month. So if you're watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” –Conan O'Brien

“It's being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

Jan. 31, 2012

"Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It's called Mexico." –Jay Leno

"After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at 'American Idol' have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul's book will be appraised on the next edition of 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill." –Conan O'Brien

"Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and 'Could you please release it two days before the election?'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China's No. 1 reality TV show, 'Toddlers Making Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the 'Goldilocks candidate.' Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know whether Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich won but we do know one thing for certain: tomorrow both of them can go back to ignoring Latinos." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 30, 2012

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood's hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It's like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, "I knew I got out too soon!" –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I'll cover for you.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O'Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama's new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has also been supportive of Gingrich but she hasn’t made an official endorsement yet. Her husband endorsed Gingrich but he’s a snowmobiler, so nobody cares.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 26-27, 2012

“Everyone got what they wanted this week; liberals got a home run State of the Union from their President of the United States and conservatives got Heidi Klum back from Seal.” –Bill Maher

“Look at that (image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer's finger in Obama's face). Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” –Bill Maher

“She also said, I swear to God, this is the quote -- today she said, or yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a 'little bit threatened.' Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? By the -- what was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps hi money.” –Bill Maher

“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxemburg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” –Bill Maher

“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republican stalked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” –Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich -- this is guy is clinical. He thinks he’s some sort of intergalactic ruler. He said by the end of my second term as president, we will have a colony on the moon, and if there are enough people there, it can petition to be the 51st state. We’ll call it Lunarchusetts.” –Bill Maher

“Newt may be toast already. The Republican establishment have the knives out for him. Tom Delay said Newt Gingrich was the most despicable human being he has seen since shaving this morning.” –Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton said this week she’d gonna quit if Obama wins a second term. She said she’s tired…she just wants to do nothing. And Joe Biden said ‘I’m still not giving you my job.’” –Bill Maher

“President Obama spent last night in Las Vegas. This morning he woke up on his hotel room floor trying to figure out what to do about a tiger, baby and 9 percent unemployment.” –Conan O'Brien

“According to new polls that just came out, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000. Or as Romney calls them, ‘trailer trash.’” –Conan O’Brien

“There was another Republican debate in Florida tonight. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?” –Jimmy Kimmel
 
“Fortunately, tonight's debate was the last one we're going to see. The candidates are going to take a break, spending more time attacking the morals of their families.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 25, 2012

"President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, 'The state of our union is open.'" –Conan O'Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, 'I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'" –Conan O’Brien

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she's keeping her lips sealed — because that's how the last surgeon left them." –Conan O'Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"What's interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million." –Conan O'Brien

Note: Most of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Jan. 24, 2012

"Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone's mind: Who cares?" –Stephen Colbert

"After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt's campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren't running for president. They're running to be Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, 'Nancy Regan really looks good for her age." But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, 'Flag looks like a lady.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you're probably an alcoholic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: 'Bright Lights, Big Mitty,' 'Mittizen Bain,' and "Mormon-y, Less Problems." But then ... 'The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'" –Jon Stewart

Jan. 23, 2012

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia." –Conan O'Brien

‎"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt's campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

"'Newt triumphed with 40% of the vote to Mitt Romney's 28% -- a gap so wide, you could fit Newt's head in it." –Stephen Colbert

"Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators." –Stephen Colbert

"You're not a Washington insider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consulting millionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!" –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as a Washington outsider

Jan. 20, 2012

"Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich's ex-wife went on nightline and said that he wanted to have an open marriage. This is the second wife, talking about him when he was fooling around with what became the third wife. Newt wanted apparently to have his wife and his marriage and also women on the side giving him oral sex. This way he could be nice and relaxed when he went to work and accused blacks of feeling entitled." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

"Newt was mad. He said 'I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America's children back to work." –Bill Maher

"Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney's got a look on his face like, 'Three women at once? Who's the Mormon in this race?'" –Bill Maher

"I thought the race was over; I thought Mitt Romney had closed it. You know for a guy that is supposed to be a great business man, he sure can’t close the deal. And now it looks like Mitt vs. Newt; Alien vs. Predator." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee." -Bill Maher

"New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?" –Bill Maher

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won't release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss." –Jay Leno

"Last night... anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn't perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, 'I am!'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, 'Ron Paul is here? Where is he?'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck." –David Letterman

"Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One." –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 19, 2012

"Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers." –Jimmy Fallon

"A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties." –Jay Leno

"You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again." –Jay Leno

At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, "Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Everybody thought that Mitt Romney was the big Iowa caucus winner, but it turns out after the recount that Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. You folks know what this means? Neither do I." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich served divorce papers on his first wife while she was dying of cancer. Today his second wife went all divorce court on his ass, saying after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he asked her to have an open marriage, while publicly touting the sanctity of traditional marriage. His new slogan is "Open your legs, America."" –Jon Stewart

"Can Newt Gingrich be reclassified as a pollutant? A carcinogen? The guy’s like the dioxin of husbands." –Jon Stewart

"First Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That's a classic Romney flip-flop." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Rick Perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time getting leathery." –Stephen Colbert

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies, and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 18, 2012

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job." –Jay Leno

"An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets." –Jay Leno

"Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that's making its way through Congress right now. I'll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words 'Obama' and 'well done' appeared in the same sentence." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals." –David Letterman

“Today, the TSA has admitted that it was wrong to let its screeners strip search two elderly women last month. However, the screeners won’t be punished because living with the memory of what they saw is punishment enough.” –Conan O'Brien

"If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist." –Stephen Colbert

"Politics should be like Easter candy: for sale everywhere you look, surrounded by fake grassroots and hidden from the little people until that special day." –Stephen Colbert

"The 2012 Republican debates have now officially passed 'The Simpsons' for the most episodes in TV history." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky"

10. Answers all questions with, "So's your mother"
9. Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary
8. He's forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that's cocky
7. Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy
6. Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC
5. Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry's campaign
4. Now spelling "Mittt" with three T's
3. Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and "making it rain"
2. Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico
1. Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

Jan. 17, 2012

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?" –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it's 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong." –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk." –Conan O'Brien

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the 'Hall of Presidents' and sees them making room for Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama doesn't pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot." –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

"(It's) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable." –Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC

Rick Perry from Monday's debate: "South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration."
Jon Stewart: "War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?"

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: "If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house."
Jon Stewart: "Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?"

(After showing Newt Gingrich's debate comments that he would help poor African Americans get and keep a job instead of receive food stamps.)
Jon Stewart: "And so it was that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of an America where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him, Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy."

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds." –David Letterman

"Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that's before Congress. I know what you're thinking: 'If Wikipedia is dark, who'll supply America with bogus facts?'" –Craig Ferguson

"This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives." –Craig Ferguson

"On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it's supported by Viacom, which owns CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made." –Craig Ferguson

‎"The mere possibility that I might run for president blew Jon Huntsman all the way back to the 'Land's End' catalog he came from." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 13-16, 2012

"When Mitt Romney heard a story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venture capitalism." –Bill Maher regarding the video of American soldiers urinating on Afghan bodies

"When Mitt Romney says ‘the buck stops here,’ he means literally, 'I have your money. Fuck you.'" –Bill Maher

"Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I'm not kidding. Sarah Palin's formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don't know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings." –Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a 'paler shade of what we have in the White House now.' And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, 'I thought that was the whole point." –Bill Maher

"I'm sensing Mitt Romney isn't that popular with Republicans. On the New Hampshire ballot he was listed as 'Mitt Romney, I guess.'" –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Especially, if you’re a Broncos fan supporting Jon Huntsman." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is going to be like … Well, it’s going be like HAVING Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. It’s going to have no effect really." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm also lonely!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to the exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across the board." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich says that on Thursday he will be releasing his tax returns. You can feel the excitement, right?" –David Letterman

"It's been a tough week for Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week he found out he was not really a Kardashian." –David Letterman

‎"The mere possibility that I might run for president blew Jon Huntsman all the way back to the 'Land's End' catalog he came from." –Stephen Colbert

"Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don't know, but that question's out there now." –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race"

10. "Who's Jon Huntsman?"
9. "Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?"
8. "Seriously, who's Jon Huntsman?"
7. "You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that's Stan Huntsman"
6. "Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious"
5. "So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry"
4. "It's like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said"
3. "Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race"
2. "He should have Tebowed more"
1. "Now who's gonna lose to Obama in the general election?"

Jan. 12, 2012

"President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office yesterday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there." –Jimmy Fallon

"Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt talked adoption with Obama at the White House. Obama said, 'Could I interest you in a Biden?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called 'The Real Romney.' You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, “Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney says, I'll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry’s presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they're now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain & I forget the third thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Word is that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he's got to find another mistress." –Jay Leno

"Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress." –Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberg wants to outlaw alcohol in New York City. How about outlawing rats in the subway?" –David Letterman

"In North Korea, they announced they’re going to embalm Kim Jong Il’s body and put it on display just like Russia did with Lenin and America did with Larry King." –Craig Ferguson

"The article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. People sit in chairs all day at work, then they twist into pretzels and expect it to be easy. It’s like being a brainless action star all your life, then going out and trying to govern the state of California." –Craig Ferguson

"A report from the Department of Homeland Security says they regularly monitor social networking sites, like Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. So that's who is looking at MySpace, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 11, 2012

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman finished third ... and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'" –Jay Leno

"According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup." –Craig Ferguson

"The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul said he's 'nibbling at mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him." –Craig Ferguson
 
"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul finished second. ... Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers ... and if his message continues to resonate ... and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right." –David Letterman

"After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney's campaign is now two for two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry's campaign merchandise is now two for one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as 'dangerous.' Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox." –Conan O'Brien

"Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 10, 2012

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America." –David Letterman

"When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would've taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow." –Craig Ferguson

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you've got to speak Spanish." –Jay Leno

"Word that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he's got to find another mistress." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word 'contraception.' I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 9, 2012

"Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt." –David Letterman

"Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger." –David Letterman

"Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he'd better call a doctor." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

“Don't you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?” –David Letterman

"During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, 'It was a pretty sick pass.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent." –Jay Leno

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Kim Jong Un Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Enjoyed ice cream made by Kim Jong Ben and Kim Jong Jerry
9. Laid in bed, depressed, like a typical Capricorn
8. Hit Vegas with his 'crew:' Putin, Chavez, Ahmadinejad and Zach Galifianakis
7. Had Marilyn Monroe lookalike sing, 'Happy Birthday, Mr. Supreme Commander of the People's Army, brilliant comrade, and great person born of heaven'
6. After seeing how good Charles Barkley looks, joined Weight Watchers
5. Nice quiet dinner with a few close human shields
4. Caught surprise Patton Oswalt stand-up set at the Pyongyang Comedy Store
3. Watched funny videos of North Koreans crying on YouTube
2. Treated himself to a deep-tissue jowl massage
1. Executed his pastry chef for using those trick birthday candles

Jan. 6, 2012

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there's a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men's briefs.” –David Letterman

"Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"How's this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich's solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul."  –Jay Leno

"I thought the prostitutes would have endorsed Mitt Romney. After all, like the girls; he changes position every hour." –Jay Leno

“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 5, 2012

"Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

"A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

"Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien
 
"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me." –Conan O'Brien

"I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate." –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 4, 2012

"John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. … Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months." –Conan O'Brien

"In her concession speech, Bachmann said, 'I mean what I say.' Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye." –Conan O'Brien

"As I was coming out here, CBS News predicted the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses: President Obama." –David Letterman

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is." –David Letterman

"So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo." –David Letterman

"There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore." –David Letterman

"(Rick) Santorum did so well, a restaurant in Boone, Iowa, named its chicken salad after him. They also have the Mitt Romney waffle, the Ron Paul cracker, and the Newt Gingrich chubby hubby ice cream." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno
"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno

"In the last election, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa caucus, and John McCain came in fourth. And he became the nominee. So it’s too early to tell anything at this point. It would be like if Wolf Blitzer stayed up all night analyzing the first round of American Idol auditions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to new poll done by '60 minutes,' 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes, like what happened to Jon Gosselin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises At Michele O'Bachmann's Press Conference"

10. Congratulated Mitt Romney on being elected the president of Iowa
9. Gave repeated shout-outs to the Los Angeles car arsonist
8. After a brief introduction, spent 15 minutes Tebowing
7. Said she successfully prayed her campaign away
6. Shared several inspirational quotes from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked'
5. Announced plans to bet remaining campaign funds on the Packers to win the Super Bowl
4. Said she's leaving Marcus for the lead guitarist of Journey
3. Revealed she's the latest wacky character played by Sacha Baron Cohen
2. Showed her full-body dragon tattoo
1. Ended with a, 'See you losers at the truck stop!'

Jan. 3, 2012

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"Iowa is a state in the Midwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien

"Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, 'old white guy Mardi Gras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates." –David Letterman

"I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of 'Yo Gabba Gabba.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time To End Your Presidential Campaign"

10. Will only answer questions from reporters who buy you a steak dinner
9. Most influential supporter is some drunk guy from British Columbia
8. Still aren't sure what the heck a "caucus" is
7. Began last speech with, "As I look out at all these empty chairs . . . “
6. People refer to you as Mitt Romney without the charisma
5. Last campaign ad showed you curled up on the shower floor, crying
4. Instead of Iowa you've been campaigning in Idaho
3. At the last debate, all you said was, "whatevs"
2. Your mom keeps reminding you that, if this president thing doesn't work out, your Uncle Phil has a job for you at his carpet store
1. Chief of staff spent the weekend in Los Angeles setting car fires

Dec. 21-23, 2011

"President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he's not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, "You can't buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us." –Jay Leno

"While shopping at Best Buy, out of force of habit, President Obama put everything on layaway. He told the store, "Don't worry about it; the grandkids will pay for it." –Jay Leno

"There have been a lot of changes in the polls lately. It's unbelievable. President Obama's ratings are up, Ron Paul is leading in the polls in Iowa, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are in a tie, and Rick Santorum is still two points behind Kim Jong-Il. He's got a way to go." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance..." –Jay Leno

"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno

"The independent Super PAC supporting Mitt Romney announced it would suspend anti- Newt Gingrich ads during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They said they're doing it out of respect to Gingrich, his family, and his mistresses." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more and more about the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. It seems he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in North Korea. I don't want to say Kim Jong-Il was little, but the train he died on was going around his Christmas tree." –Jay Leno

"The pro-adultery website ashleymadison.com - have you heard of this? It's a website for married people that want to cheat. Anyway, they have come out and endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I guess it's their way of thanking him for all the years of business." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno

"John Edwards - remember that sleazeball who ran for president? He's asking that his upcoming criminal trial be delayed because he's been diagnosed with a medical condition. Lets hope it's erectile dysfunction." –Jay Leno

"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Obama a clown and an embarrassment. You don't talk about our president that way. Our vice president, sure, that would be fine." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it." –Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy — the Chinese economy but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies." –Jimmy Fallon

"The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game “Just Dance” for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words 'beautiful, smart, and funny.' When asked how he picked those, he used the words, 'she's, sitting, and right-next-to-me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 20, 2011

"North Korea may not have enough money to preserve the body of Kim Jong Il. Unfortunately, this leaves North Koreans with only one alternative: Kim Jong jerky. … You heard of Slim Jims? How about Slim Kims?” –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug." –Conan O'Brien

"As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives." –Jay Leno

"Kim Jong Il made his staff call him 'dear' and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Items On Kim Jong Un's To Do List"

10. Hit LensCrafters and check out the selection of giant dictator glasses
9. Fix leaky water torture pipe in dungeon
8. Promote his new regime on "The Wendy Williams Show"
7. Light palace Menorah for the first day of Hanukkah
6. Take a vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas
5. Floss more (It's on everyone's to-do list, but we never get around to it, do we folks?)
4. Do some freestyle picking
3. Watch monkeys riding dogs
2. Buy a zoo with Matt Damon
1. Obligatory meeting with Donald Trump

Dec. 19, 2011

"North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset." –Conan O'Brien

"It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, 'Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you." –David Letterman

"The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il." –Jay Leno

"When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'" –Jay Leno

"During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February." –Jay Leno

Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like To Say To The American People (as read by Mitt Romney on Letterman)

10. "Isn't it time for a president who looks like a 1970s game show host?"
9. "What's up, gangstas — it's the M-I-Double-Tizzle"
8. "I have no proof, but I have a feeling Canada is planning something"
7. "Actually, I'm only here to meet Tom Cruise"
6. "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"
5. "My new cologne is now available at Macy's. It's 'Mitt-stified'"
4. "I just used all my campaign money to buy a zoo with Matt Damon"
3. "I can do a lot, but even I can't fix the Indianapolis Colts"
2. "Newt Gingrich? Really?"
1. "It's a hairpiece"

 

Dec. 16, 2011

"Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer." –Jay Leno

"The candidates all have their position on the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul is anti-Fed. Mitt Romney is pro-Fed. And Newt Gingrich is over-Fed." –Jay Leno

"USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. " –Jay Leno

"Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble. " –Jay Leno

"President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying." –Jay Leno

"A movie called 'The Artist' got six nominations. It's a silent movie where people's mouths move but nothing comes out. It's like Rick Perry at a debate." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too 'zany' to be president. Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't have time to say Mitt and Romney, so I just call him 'Mittney.'" –Craig Ferguson

Dec. 15, 2011

"A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich signed a 'no adultery' pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith." –Jay Leno

"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress." –Jay Leno

"If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees." –Jay Leno

"On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, 'I am also not a fan of gay milk.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, 'My gloves are coming off,' Ron Paul said, 'OK, my teeth are coming out.' And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich 'zany.' If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's 'zany?'" –David Letterman

"Now I wouldn't be surprised if Romney hit Newt in the head with a rubber chicken." –David Letterman

"In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected. There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dec. 14, 2011

"A campaign staffer on the Newt Gingrich campaign was fired because he was making negative comments about Mormons. I thought, 'Wait a minute, isn't Newt in favor of multiple wives?'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Keep America American” because that slogan was once used by the KKK. Now he is overcompensating because his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney, Straight Out of Compton.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party." –Jay Leno

"Men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Gary Busey said it's not that he doesn't like Newt Gingrich, but it was too soon for him to endorse anyone. He said as soon as a president is elected, he will let us know who he intends to vote for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people say that Mitt Romney isn't the most consistent candidate, because he's changed his mind about big, important issues over the years. You know, that's one of the things that I like about him, because he's been consistent since he changed his mind." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christine O'Donnell, who used to be a witch, endorsed Mitt Romney, and she said, "He's been consistent since he changed his mind." Can't argue with that." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dec. 13, 2011

"Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the 'country of Solyndra.' If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now?" –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: "Runnin' Texas for Dummies," "Supreme Court for Dummies," "Dumb & Dumber for Dummies." –Jay Leno

"Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, 'Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'" –Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney says if he is president he will create 11 million new jobs. Sure, they'll all be in China, but a job is a job, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages?" –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs the Candidates Have Debate Fatigue"

10. Most frequent question from moderators: 'You awake?'
9. Michele O'Bachmann trying to get her husband to pray away the tedium
8. Newt Gingrich opened a revolving account with Sleepy's
7. When asked a question, they all keep texting and mutter, 'Uh huh, uh, huh . . . '
6. Last night, Romney challenged Perry to a $10,000 game of 'Words With Friends'
5. Ron Paul's fake eyebrows are twitching
4. Theme of the debate: 'Who Cares?'
3. Jon Huntsman tried to . . . Wait, who is Jon Huntsman?
2. They all walk around dazed and miserable — it's like working here
1. At last debate, Rick Perry said, 'Debate my butt!'

Dec. 12, 2011

"Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It's like voting for Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair." –Jay Leno

"Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?" –Jay Leno

"Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, 'I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails." –David Letterman

"A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You're promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama." –Craig Ferguson

Dec. 9, 2011

"More good news for Newt Gingrich. Earlier today, he was endorsed by the voices in Glenn Beck's head." –David Letterman

"Newt has a holiday book out. 'The Newt Before Christmas.'" –David Letterman

"Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor." –David Letterman

"President Obama said he is 'very concerned' about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote 'very concerned' about the drop in Nickelodeon's ratings." –Jimmy Fallon

"Only two candidates have agreed to attend Donald Trump's Iowa debate. So Trump's either going to cancel or round out the field with Meat Loaf, Omarosa and Gary Busey." –Jay Leno

"You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? God doesn't think he's Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno

"President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles." –Jay Leno

"A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, 'See? That's what I've been trying to tell people.'" –Jay Leno

Dec. 8, 2011

"Here's what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell." –Jon Stewart to Bill O’Reilly

"The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye." –David Letterman

"Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ's paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish." –Jay Leno

"I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he'd bring back free checking." –Jay Leno

"According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners." –Jay Leno

"According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, 'the 99 percenters.'" –Jay Leno

Dec. 7, 2011

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden visited Greece last week on the debt crisis. I don't want to say the vice president doesn't know much, but he kept asking for John Travolta." –Jay Leno

"Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty." –David Letterman

"Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice.'" –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman

"I like Newt Gingrich. You know who he looks like? He looks like your Dad's old Army buddy, doesn't he?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney now says the gloves are coming off. And then Ron Paul said, 'And my teeth are coming out.'" –David Letterman

"In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold." –David Letterman

"The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair." –Craig Ferguson

"He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine"

10. Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get that for murder
9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing
8. Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or Jacuzzi?
7. Congratulations, I hear you're going to Vail. Wait, never mind
6. Hey, it's your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?
5. Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich
4. Hey, it's Dave. Tonight's Top Ten List is about you. Nice work
3. It's 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?
2. This is President Obama. I'm granting you a full pardon. Nah, I'm just screwing with you
1. It's the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Dec. 6, 2011

"Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus." –Jon Stewart

"Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility." –Jay Leno

"This is kind of scary. This was in the paper today; according to the new federal guidelines if you've had sex with more than one person in the past year, you might be 'too promiscuous to be an organ donor.' More bad news for Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview at her lawyer's office, Herman Cain's mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain's story either. I think that's fair." –Jay Leno

"Cain says that he and his wife...everything is fine between them. Though it's not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?" –Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dan Quayle...remember Dan? Potato with an 'e'? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, 'Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome...'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump yesterday. There's a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"The head of the Federal Aviation Administration … has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don't want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'" –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain, the Herminator, said 'I will not be silent, and I will not go away.' Then he shut up and left." –David Letterman

"I'm so excited, Christmas season is finally here. ... A new survey found that two of the most popular holiday songs are 'Jingle Bell Rock' and 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.' The LEAST popular Christmas song: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Herman Cain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 5, 2011

"In a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the race." –Conan O'Brien

"An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino." –Conan O'Brien

"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'" –Jon Stewart
 
"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno

"The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino's, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars..." –Jay Leno

"Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday...he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn't find a date." –Jay Leno 

"President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas." –Jay Leno

"To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is." –Jay Leno

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." –Jay Leno

"We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he's a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he's out walking around, everybody's screaming, 'Look, one of Santa's elves!'" –David Letterman

"Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off." –David Letterman

"Everybody's talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he's launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it's the only political website that makes you click an 'I'm Over 18' button to enter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt is meeting today with Donald Trump. Insiders say it's consensual. He'd be the first President named Newt. There've been some First Ladies." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don't think you can blame the Democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife." –Craig Ferguson

Dec. 2-3, 2011

"Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that's it." –Seth Meyers

"A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he ends with, 'Vote for Herman Cain.'" –Seth Meyers

"Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"'Americas Most Wanted' used to be on FOX, but it was canceled because executives at FOX realized the show actually helped people." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting." –Jay Leno

"High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. It was so windy police at U.C. Davis had to take the students inside to pepper spray them. Birds just stayed in their bird houses and tweeted each other." –Jay Leno" –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard." –Jay Leno

"I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi." –Jay Leno 

"In a new interview, it's revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there's a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget." –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 1, 2011

"No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk." –Jay Leno

"Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: 'Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?'" –Jay Leno

"According to an online poll of what people will write on their holiday cards this year, 60% will write 'Merry Christmas.' Nineteen percent will write 'Happy holidays.' And 1% will write 'Keep our 13 year affair quiet, I'm trying to run for president.'" –Jay Leno

"Cain now says he's consulting with his family whether to stay in the race. Really? You think that's what he's discussing with his wife, about staying in the race? How about staying in the house?" –Jay Leno

"One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread 'foreclosed' sign." –Conan O'Brien

"It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year's Christmas is 'Shine, Give, Share.' While rumor is, the theme of next year's White House Christmas will be 'Clean, Pack, Move.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, 'There was a ban on that?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Stephen Colbert: Have you slept with Herman Cain?
Siri: I was young, and I needed the job.

Nov. 30, 2011

"Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn't find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

"How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. " –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 29, 2011

"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." –Conan O'Brien

"Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say." –Stephen Colbert

“This new woman says the affair was consensual. I’d say things are looking up.” –Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain

"A thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage." –Stephen Colbert

‎"13 years!? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with." –Jon Stewart on Herman Cain

"You know, I don't know what the Republicans are crowing about. Losing Barney Frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. He is the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, Jewish, Taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. He's your everything bagel." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is starting to look like a black Tiger Woods." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain's latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn't realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign." –Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? We should set up Herman Cain with that woman with the pepper spray at Walmart. She'd slow him down." –Jay Leno

Nov. 28, 2011

"A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department." –Jay Leno

"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno

"A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way...much like his political positions today." –Jay Leno

"It's Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, 'When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There are some things that you can get on Black Friday that you can't on Cyber Monday, like being pepper sprayed in the face." –Craig Ferguson

"In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States." –Craig Ferguson

"Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named 'Jihad.' Or as the TSA put it, 'Hope you like Amtrak!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Nov. 22, 2011

"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you think that's bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century." –David Letterman

"Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Supercommittee Excuses"
10. 'Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee'
9. 'Got distracted by Congress' new 'Donkey Kong' machine'
8. 'Wasted time trying on each other's hairpieces'
7. 'When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, you see the new ‘Twilight’ movie'
6. 'Quit early to get in line for the Black Friday sale at Annie Sez'
5. 'It's the curse of the chupacabra'
4. 'We're assembling a special committee to come up with excuses'
3. 'It's Robert Wagner's fault'
2. 'Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done'
1. 'President Santorum will figure it out'

Nov. 21, 2011

"Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?" –David Letterman

"President Obama will pardon the turkeys. Unless of course the Republicans step in and block that." –David Letterman

"If you think about it in certain terms, Obama has had a good year. First bin Laden, then Moammar Gadhafi. Next, Robert Wagner." –David Letterman

"I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, 'Well, if he's found guilty.'" –Jay Leno

"It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. The best idea they came up with? A bake sale." –Jay Leno

"Don't worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee." –Jay Leno

"President Obama came home after a 9-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states." –Jimmy Fallon

"Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

Nov. 18, 2011

"Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair." –David Letterman

"I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, 'I can't remember. Am I good or bad at debates?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that." –Jay Leno

"A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a 'gotcha' question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media." –Jay Leno

"Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he'd taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno

"The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked 'No Country for Old Men.' Rick Perry chose 'Clueless.' Michele Bachmann chose 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' and Herman Cain chose 'Snatch.'" –Jay Leno

"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon

"In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis' last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis' fans are a little bit older so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart." –Craig Ferguson

Nov. 17, 2011

"Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is being criticized for his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, but he denies that he lacks expertise in that area. In fact, today, Cain said when he becomes president, first thing he's going to do is go to Iraq, meet with Saddam Hussein personally, and get this whole thing worked out." –Jay Leno
 
"At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, Rick Perry said that no illegal immigrants would be allowed to attend. In fact, the event was held in an overgrown backyard with nobody to park the cars, and nobody to watch the kids." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

"The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it's starting to look really bad for his seventh term." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend, a guy took a shot at the White House. They hunted him down and arrested him. He said, 'I thought I had a better shot at it than those Republican candidates.'" –David Letterman

"In New York the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3 subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway all day. You're next, people who use the internet at the public library." –Craig Ferguson

"The late November holiday season is a perfect time to quit smoking. What could be more stress-free than spending the holidays with your family?" –Craig Ferguson
 
"President Obama quit smoking this year. It wasn't easy. He had to ask the Republicans for permission first." –Craig Ferguson

"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables. And Twizzlers are a fruit." –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 16, 2011

"Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there's one place to confront the nation's wealthiest 1 percent, it's the subway." –Conan O'Brien

"Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House." –Conan O'Brien

"Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members." –Conan O'Brien

"Regis Philbin is retiring this week and Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave Regis a gift of a bag of tennis balls. When I retire, don't tell Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"New York City police went into Zuccotti Park in a midnight raid, and the mayor rode in on his pet Chihuahua. … No more sleeping or no camping in New York City parks. Hooker, crack dealers, not a problem." –David Letterman

"The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president's salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, 'What do I care? It's not like it'll affect me!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Biden was in New York today for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M'S Store." –Jimmy Fallon

"People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he's not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president." –Jay Leno
 
"Cain's only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes." –Jay Leno

"People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here." –Jay Leno

"Police in New York City cleared Zuccotti Park of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Why don't we let them occupy basketball arenas around the countries. We're not using them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in Australia. When he's in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion." –Craig Ferguson

"Last week President Obama was in Hawaii. Now he's in Australia. Next week he's in Indonesia. I think he watched the Republican debates and went, 'This is going to be a piece of cake,' and went on vacation" –Craig Ferguson

Nov. 15, 2011

"They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero." –David Letterman

"One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is so confident about his chances that he's already working on his concession speech." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, 'But not while operating heavy machinery.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, 'Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox." –Stephen Colbert

“Some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.” –Stephen Colbert

"It makes sense that Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough." –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain's campaign insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House, but not someone who says, 'Libya, hmm,' and just sits there." –Daily Show correspondent Herman Cain

David Letterman's "Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain's Mind During The 'Libya' Moment"

10. "Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don't remember a Libya"
9. "I told them politics was off limits"
8. "Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause"
7. "Why the heck am I in Milwaukee?"
6. "Uh, 9-9-9?"
5. "What would Rick Dees do?"
4. "I'm gonna be on YouTube!"
3. "I should have called Bob Costas"
2. "These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry"
1. "Well, it's been fun, see you in 2016!"

Nov. 14, 2011

"Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath." –Conan O'Brien

"Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate, he got to speak." –Conan O'Brien

"If we have to sit through any more of these Republican debates, I'm ready for a dictatorship." –David Letterman

"I'm thinking Herman Cain doesn't get it. He brought a date to the debate." –David Letterman

"Cain also says that he's in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual." –David Letterman

"People are still talking about Rick Perry's memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp." –David Letterman

"There was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this: Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something." –Jimmy Fallon

"Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That is ridiculous. Clap if you like bacon!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I am addicted to all the Republican Presidential candidates. They are all like crack, in that they will devastate black communities." –Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend President Obama was in Hawaii, his 'birth place.' Ha ha." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt"

10. Goodbye eggs Benedict; hello eggs Newt
9. Beatles broke up because 'Newt' couldn't get along with 'Newt'
8. Trump would be known as 'The Newt'
7. Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!
6. Santa now says, 'On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt'
5. The mother on 'How I Met Your Mother': Newt
4. When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, 'Be more specific, Newt'
3. On 'Jeopardy,' people just keep buzzing in and saying, 'Who is Newt?'
2. When you just say, 'Newt' with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey
1. You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry

Nov. 11, 2011

"Someone told Rick Perry today that Obama, as he did, laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. And Rick Perry said 'See, he blanks on names too.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry forgets his own talking points, Herman Cain forgets every woman he ever groped, Mitt Romney forgets he used to be for everything he is now against; they don’t need debates, they need ginkgo biloba." –Bill Maher

"It has gotten so bad in the party that Newt Gingrich is now starting to surge, which is never good news for Mrs. Gingrich." –Bill Maher

"More bad news for Rick Perry. Tomorrow there's another debate." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows 45 percent of Republicans believe that Mitt Romney will be the nominee, and that rises to 46 percent if you count Rick Perry, who also believes Mitt Romney will be the nominee." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry also said the other night he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Well, that's the problem with kids in America today. They're just too educated." –Jay Leno

"A guy named Reggie Love leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can't learn anything about economics in the Obama White House." –Jay Leno

"President Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA. That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is going to be on David Letterman next week. Cain and Letterman on the same show. Has there ever been a worse time to be an intern?" –Jay Leno

"It was so quiet in the theater last night. I'm telling you it was quieter here than dinner at Herman Cain's house." –David Letterman

"As if Cain's troubles couldn't get worse, today, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie accused Herman Cain of skimping on the pepperoni." –David Letterman

"The Italian prime minister announced he is stepping down. He's looking forward to spending more time with his wife and five hookers." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney said this week if he's elected, he won't let Iran get nuclear weapons. Other Republicans were quick to respond. Newt Gingrich said it would be impossible to enforce. Ron Paul said it's none of our business. And Rick Perry said, “ . . . “–Craig Ferguson

"Herman Cain said he would beat Obama by 'beating him with a Cain.' Obama said, 'I'm just glad I'm not running against Anthony Weiner.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today's date is 11/11/11! Or as Joe Biden calls that, “A great email password!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is 11/11/11! A date so simple, even Rick Perry can remember it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters interrupted Michele Bachmann's speech in South Carolina. In response, Bachmann's supporters were like, 'Man, if we existed, we'd be so angry right now!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Nov. 10, 2011

 "Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only groping for words." –David Letterman

"I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three .. Oh crap, what was three?" –David Letterman

"He had a lapse in memory. He remembered Kris and he remembered Khloe but forgot Kourtney." –David Letterman

"Today the governor explained that it was not him, it was part of the test of the emergency alert system." –David Letterman

"When you have a little trouble recalling, they call that a senior moment. More like Bush, junior moment." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: '11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's personal assistant Reggie Love has announced he will be leaving the White House. Reggie Love plans to return to his previous job hosting a smooth jazz station." Conan O'Brien

"There was an awkward moment when Herman Cain turned to Michele Bachmann and asked her what she was willing to do to get the job." –Conan O'Brien

"Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them." –Jimmy Fallon

"After 30 seconds of stuttering, Rick Perry said, 'Oops.' Incidentally, saying 'Oops' after 30 seconds is why Justin Bieber has to take a paternity test. 'Oops' is the same thing being said by everyone who donated to Rick Perry." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about Rick Perry's "performance" at the Republican debate. He had a brain freeze trying to name the three — I forgot what I was talking about." –Craig Ferguson

"Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember." –Craig Ferguson

"It's not a good week for Republican memories. Rick Perry forgot the name of the agency he wanted to cut. Herman Cain forgot there was a harassment settlement. And Ron Paul forgot he has no chance of winning." –Craig Ferguson

"Most analysts agree the big debate winner last night was Mitt Romney, who stuck closely to his strategy of not being any of the other candidates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If there's one thing I know about Rick Perry, it's that he doesn't go down without a fight and he's already turning last night's negative into a — I wouldn't say a positive, but a double negative." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That was more than a brain fart. That was brain explosive diarrhea." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." –Jay Leno

"I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president." –Jay Leno

"You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Vice president." –Jay Leno

"According to a U.N. Report out this week, Iran tried to design a miniature nuclear weapon. Investigators say this plot was hatched by Iran's miniature president." –Jay Leno

Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses (As Read by Rick Perry on the Late Show With David Letterman)

10. There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh . . . Oops
9. I don't know what you're talking about — I think things went well
8. I was up late last night watching "Dancing With the Stars"
7. I thought the debate was tonight
6. You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude
5. Uh, El Nino?
4. I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate
3. I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here
2. I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain
1. I just learned Justin Bieber is my father

Nov. 9, 2011

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for." –Jay Leno

"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno

"The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo." –Jay Leno

"After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in." –Jay Leno

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job." –Conan O'Brien

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Herman Cain Pick-Up Lines"

10. "You're like a Godfather's pizza: a little doughy, but still hot"
9. "My name's Herman and I'll get you squirmin'"
8. "May I stuff your crust?"
7. "You put the 'ass' in National Restaurant Association"
6. "Can I buy you a glass of whatever Rick Perry is drinking?"
5. "Would you describe yourself as the litigious type?"
4. (Video: Newt Gingrich having sex with a vending machine)
3. "Baby, you're worth the forty grand in hush money"
2. "You don't know Gloria Allred, do you?"
1. "My tax plan is 9-9-9, but you're a 10-10-10"

Nov. 8, 2011

"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference to address the sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken." –Stephen Colbert

"It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, 'We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics." –Jay Leno

"The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border." –Jay Leno

"If the earth was visited by aliens, this could be a huge problem for the Republican party. I mean, Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room." –Jay Leno

‎"If NPR is talk radio's equal and opposite, that must mean that their shows urge listeners to get a rope and go Republican huntin'." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn't Want To Hear On Election Day"

10. 'What? The election is today?'
9. 'You need to sober up for your concession speech'
8. 'You're running for office? That's hilarious!'
7. 'There he is. Get him!'
6. 'Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you'
5. 'You're losing the red states and the blue states, but you're doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states'
4. 'If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing'
3. 'The only endorsements we've got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray'
2. 'Asteroid! Run for your lives!'
1. 'Gloria Allred, Line 1'

Nov. 7, 2011

"Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno

"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee." –Jay Leno

"Big news today on health care reform. Dr. Conrad Murray is going to jail. They said the sedative he gave Michael Jackson was 5 times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech. Dr. Murray's sentencing will be delayed long enough to let him finish his "Playboy" shoot." –Jay Leno

"Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman

"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson

"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, a lot of Republican voters view Mitt Romney as the Great White Nope and are desperately seeking a viable alternative, even going so far as to pretend it might be Michele Bachmann. Herman Cain emerged as the most likely alternative to the Schnook of Mormon." –Jon Stewart

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It"

10. Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment
9. Now smokes more than his campaign manager
8. Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun
7. Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache
6. Claims Justin Bieber is his father
5. Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain
4. Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray
3. Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts
2. Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry
1. He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

Nov. 4, 2011

"I have a lot of Herman Cain jokes but I cannot do them; I am bound by a confidentiality agreement." –Bill Maher

"Some Godfather’s Pizza customers said they found it odd that he would tell them to hold the sausage." –Bill Maher on the sexual harassment accusations against Herman Cain

"There are fourteen more Republican debates and they are running out of formats…next they are going to do one where they are in sleeping bags around the campfire and then one where they are blindfolded and nude and have to figure out who each other is by touching." –Bill Maher
 
"President Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back in spending and reduce their debt. This is part of their 'do as we say not as we do' summit, apparently." –Jay Leno

"Political experts say that if Greece goes under, the world banks will go under, and then the U.S. economy will go under, and this will cost president Obama the election. But Obama still has three chances to win: Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he's saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I'd like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'" –David Letterman

"Forget president — this guy could be premier of Italy." –David Letterman

"All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be allowed 2." –David Letterman

"This week, Mitt Romney's campaign sent out automated phone calls saying that Rick Perry is too soft on immigration. Yeah, the call was like, 'For English, press one. Para Español, go talk to your buddy Rick Perry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Nov. 3, 2011

 "Last night the Occupy Oakland protest got out of hand. Demonstrators broke windows, hurled Molotov cocktails and chunks of concrete. Police said it was the worst riot in Oakland since every Raiders home game." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There was some trouble last night in Oakland after the Occupy Oakland protests. They had trouble breaking the crowd up because every time they fired bean bags at them, they started playing hackey sack with them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain's campaign is claiming Rick Perry is behind all the leaking of the sexual harassment claims. I don't know. Does Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?" –Jay Leno

"More problems for front runner Herman Cain; now a third woman has come forward and accused him of sexual harassment. Apparently when Cain was president of the Restaurant Association he thought women were on the menu. He didn't realize." –Jay Leno

"Turns out 999 was just his rating system: she's a 9, she's a 9, she's a 9." –Jay Leno

"Of course, Cain still doesn't get it. Like he said he will address all these charges at a press conference tomorrow at Hooters." –Jay Leno

"Oh, good news for all of us, President Obama had his annual White House physical and the doctors say that President Obama is in such great shape that he can actually start smoking again." –Jay Leno

"Four anti-government senior citizens in Georgia have been charged in a terror plot. All of the men are in their '60s and '70s and they planned to build a bomb and blow up a government building. Can you imagine? Remember the underwear bomber? These guys are the Depends bombers." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for president Obama. 'Forbes' magazine put out a list of the most powerful people in the world. And our president is number one. I guess nobody told congress." –Craig Ferguson

"Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office… You mean the one on the sofa?" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe's getting economic advice from Obama? That's like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama bumped Chinese President Hu Jintao from the #1 spot on Forbes' list of the world's most powerful people. It was awkward—Obama wanted to buy a copy of the magazine, but he had to borrow five bucks from Hu Jintao." –Jimmy Fallon

"Seriously? On the floor of Congress they're debating the motto of the United States? Sacred part of our national heritage ever since our founding fathers created our motto back in 1956. " –Jon Stewart

Nov. 2, 2011

"President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn't look like his insurance company is going to pay for it." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions." –David Letterman

"People say that Rick Perry may have been drunk at an appearance. Well, take a look at those poll numbers. I'd be drunk too." –David Letterman

"Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm 'In God We Trust' as our national motto. I still don't know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Statue of Liberty just turned 125. When France first gave her to us, Mayor Bloomberg was only in his second term." –Conan O'Brien

"Governor Christie wants to extend the seven train to New Jersey. When asked what's wrong with the Lincoln Tunnel, Christie said, 'You try squeezing through that thing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?" –Conan O'Brien

"A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber's love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson

"Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian." -- Stephen Colbert

Nov. 1, 2011

"If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion." –Jay Leno
 
"Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual.'" –David Letterman

"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman

"President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American." –David Letterman

"A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I'm pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It's just that they can't accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008." –Jimmy Fallon

"A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, 'You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In Herman Cain's defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive." –Jon Stewart

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman