|
See Also:
Obama Scandal Jokes
Latest Late-Night Jokes Compiled by
Daniel Kurtzman
May 15, 2013
"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in
Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it
looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go
to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David
Letterman
"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't
you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make
jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's
why." –David Letterman
"They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may
go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman
"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS,
Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things
done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it
could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman
"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For
those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an
enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to
harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever."
–Jay Leno
"A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard
Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent."
–Jay Leno
"This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were
targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when
President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno
'
"The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry.
If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by
the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to
'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking
the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of
Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And
Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every
day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama
impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." –Conan O'Brien
"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine
governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his
defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien
"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I
don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to
whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien
More Political Humor: •
Popular Late-Night Jokes •
Best Jon Stewart Quotes
•
Best Stephen Colbert Quotes
May 14, 2013
"The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a
long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me.
You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about
covering up." –Jay Leno
"Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS
audit." –Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? The IRS has admitted they were targeting
conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he
would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it." –Jay
Leno
"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole
targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but
they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah,
'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay
Leno
"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records
scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest
embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno
"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President
Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two
words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien
"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded
the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised
reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the
Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon
"The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her
fortune to charity. She told her family, 'We'll be fine. Things are just
going to get a little tighter." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS
ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say
Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what
I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can
really work with." –David Letterman
May 13, 2013
"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want
to get audited by the IRS, so forget that." –Jay Leno
"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for
extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad —
to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno
"On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an
overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, 'Yeah,
definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like
Marlboro Lights.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who
generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae
bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in
your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon
Stewart on the IRS scandal
"This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the
tinfoil behatted to the government." –Jon Stewart
"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true.
It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who
is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen
Colbert on the IRS scandal
May 10, 2013
"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a
scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run
must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make
her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster,
Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the
Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint
Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher (share
this joke on Facebook)
"For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President
Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind.
The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what
it is." –Bill Maher
"They want so bad to find a smoking fun and there just isn't one. There
is no smoking fun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find
a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi
"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band
surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking
he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost
a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it
surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because
that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will
power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill
Maher
"President Obama was down in Texas on his 'Middle-class jobs and
opportunity tour.' Don't confuse that with his first term. That was the
'Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.'" –Jay Leno
"While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to 'Remember the
Alamo and forget about Benghazi.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for
his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our
economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, 'Uh —
the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since
last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery." –David
Letterman
May 9, 2013
"President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to
close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people
are being tortured there night after night?" –Jay Leno
"The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will
provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim
Tebow's got a better chance of passing." –David letterman
"NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now
here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40
and insane." –David letterman
"I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months
to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark." –David letterman
"Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers
pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost
you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200." –Jimmy
Fallon
"This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking
site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15
years of experience." –Jimmy Fallon
"Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better
way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?" –Conan
O'Brien
May 8, 2013
"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his
wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his
girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel.
In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit
right in." –Jay Leno
"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations
with South America." –Jay Leno
"New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the
year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step
in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and
tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?" –Jay
Leno
"According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200
million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green." –Jay
Leno
"My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won
because CNN called it for Sanford." –Stephen Colbert on his sister
Elizabeth Colbert Busch's failed congressional bid
"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford
beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister.
And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry
about him." –Stephen Colbert
"In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional
seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy
Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." –Conan
O'Brien
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his
surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free
hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien
"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they
trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark
decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien
"Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all
the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for
president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him
since 1998." –Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex
marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and
the first thing I know about Delaware." –Jimmy Fallon
May 7, 2013
"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February.
President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about
having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno
"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight
while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN,
so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery
that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12
animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan
O'Brien
"Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I'll be going
into surgery for monologue joke reduction." –Conan O'Brien
"When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton
said, 'She's having a little fun being a private citizen.' And then he
added, 'Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless." –Conan O'Brien
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be
so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have
that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman
"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do
with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman
"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas
mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman
"The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying,
'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" –David Letterman
"Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President
Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea's 'Iron Lady.' Or as Biden
put it, 'Can you introduce me to Iron Man?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other
words, we're going to war with North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he
had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much
food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel
"If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might
be getting fatter. He's the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically,
patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could
be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of
a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was
a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is
Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig
Ferguson
"Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what's
in it, and it's going to be explosive. It's the Taco Bell of breaking
news." –Stephen Colbert on the House hearings on Benghazi
May 6, 2013
"Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and
told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better
place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that
literally your responsibility?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race
could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a
worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him 'practice.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract
younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: 'National Parks: Nobody
Knows You're Drinking in Here.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in
Texas. He says P stands for 'Pretend you've never heard the name Gorge
W. Bush." –Conan O'Brien
"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of
a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by
that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney.
Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy,
anything is possible." –Conan O'Brien
"Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio
State University. He said, 'I dare you to do better' — to which the
students yelled back, 'No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'"
–Jay Leno
"Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years.
They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact,
Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans." –Jay Leno
"If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in
them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the
hookers and canned frosting." --Stephen Colbert, mocking the conspiracy
theory that the government is buying bullets
May 3-4, 2013
"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market
hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.'
Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments." –Bill Maher
"A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that
armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their
liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed
rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out
of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone."–Bill Maher
"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be
necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are
f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent." –Bill Maher (share
this joke on Facebook)
"70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have
their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news
for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who
generally prefer men with smaller penises." –Bill Maher
"Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that
would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a
gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't." –Seth Meyers
"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim
Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly
un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern
Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth
Meyers
"Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture
was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on
Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the
suspects. You know, when they say "if you see something, say something,"
they don't mean TO the terrorist." –Seth Meyers
"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it
when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas
should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration
reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep
delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon
"There's a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and
computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea."
–Jimmy Fallon
May 2, 2013
"A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset
over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that
guy out." –Stephen Colbert
"Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for
mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his
underpants." –David Letterman
"Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She's
getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn't that insider dating?"
–David Letterman
"President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate
Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that's how it
works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he
actually has to leave the country." –Jay Leno
"While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration
policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to
promote immigration is Mexico. I think they've got it down. That's like
going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the
White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the
president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president." –Jay
Leno
"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested
this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets.
And you can tell it's serious. His bail was set at 200 goats." –Jimmy
Fallon
"That's right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had
evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to
prove it, he was like, 'Uh, I'm president, aren't I?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder
surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike. Fox News
reports the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far
to the left." –Conan O'Brien
"Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the
Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also
announced a new Olympic Event— 'Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their
Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going
to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica
posters." –Conan O'Brien
"That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah,
they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS." –Conan
O'Brien
May 1, 2013
"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to
start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it
by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Joe Biden's plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because
of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as
fast as they can. But Obama was like, 'No rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school
in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school
board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at
restaurants." –Jimmy Fallon
"That's right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now
when bullies say, 'Give me your lunch money,' students are like, 'Here,
take it.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the
contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most
teenagers' Plan B was getting a show on MTV." –Jimmy Fallon
"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets,
but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy
some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen
Colbert
"Good news. Scientists find two distant planets that may have life. Just
in time too since China's almost tapped out as a lender." –Jay Leno
"The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to
fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan – including
solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I'm sorry. That's what
we did here. I had it backwards." –Jay Leno
"Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in
Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other.
Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving,
don't you think?" –Jay Leno
"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin
Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's
like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman
"Folks, it seems these days every time you turn on the news, there's
another heartbreaking story about victims of gun violence targeting
innocent members of Congress. It has to end. And I know I'm not going to
win any awards for saying that. Unless the NRA gives out awards. They
do? Oh, it's a seat in the Senate. Great." –Stephen Colbert
April 30, 2013
"Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay
needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it
into a Blockbuster Video." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants
to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to
do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and
tax it out of existence." –Jay Leno
"There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on
juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your
nanny, you could get the death penalty." –Jay Leno
"New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for
president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said
that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added,
'Because I would crush him.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school
day longer by over two hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet
because they're busy high fiving everyone they know." –Jimmy Fallon
"A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is
actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier,
that's supposed to be good news." –Jimmy Fallon
"Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything
nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or
some other stuff for people I don't know." –Stephen Colbert
April 29, 2013
"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the
closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly
gay – while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore." –Jimmy
Fallon
"Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete.
Or as Martina Navratilova put it, 'Hello!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is
gay. He said, 'I don't know what's been tougher on my family, announcing
I'm gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury
after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a
little too far to the left." –Conan O'Brien
"There's a trend now of prison inmates reviewing their prison on Yelp.
The downside is that people are now committing crimes just to get the
amazing fish tacos at Rikers Island." –Conan O'Brien
"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American
athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a
breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won't have any
illegitimate kids." –Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She's the most beautiful woman
alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, 'Wow. Thank
god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.' Gwyneth, by the
way, still has to be confirmed by Congress." –David Letterman
"They are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. Although you do get your
standard restaurant gripes, like 'service took forever, was there for 25
years." –Stephen Colbert
"We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says,
‘Do-nothing f**ktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them
alive anus first." –Jon Stewart (share
this on Facebook)
April 26, 2013
"They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five
living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a
library in Texas." –Bill Maher
"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook
was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher
"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush
should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.'
Enough? How about at least one too many." –Bill Maher
"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking.
There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to
invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were
under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And
there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it."
–Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically
revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been
completely drained of blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher
"[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about
not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you
only have one gun?" –Bill Maher
"The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform
because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which,
could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle, a boat, that was on
land." –Bill Maher on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
"After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in
the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival
Cruise." – Bill Maher on Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
"Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the
George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living
presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." –Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve
on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don't want to do! It's
all yours. Thank you." –Jay Leno
"The United States Treasury announced that they will put into
circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that
time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that's Ok." –Jay Leno
"Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy,
most people don't even remember what the old one looked like, all
right?" –Jay Leno
"A new poll found that former congressman Anthony Weiner only has a 15
percent chance of winning the race for New York City mayor. Although in
his defense, he's a grower not a shower." –Jimmy Fallon
"It's not a federal holiday but today you're supposed to take your son
or daughter to work. For a lot of people it's take your son or daughter
to where you used to work. In China, kids take their parents to work."
–David Letterman
April 25, 2013
"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge
section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it."
–David Letterman
"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions."
–Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library
"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater."
–Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush
Presidential Library
"All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the
George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy
to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got
him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!" –Jay Leno
"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to
have a library named after him." –Jay Leno
"There's a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle
Obama's clothes. Not only that — there's another app that tells men
where they can buy Hillary Clinton's clothes." –Jimmy Fallon
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the
dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is
already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground
breaking." –Jimmy Fallon
"The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It
has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And
this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin's hair is real. You can comb
it and everything." –Jimmy Kimmel
April 24, 2013
"All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W.
Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up
some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the 'Blame
George W. Bush Presidential Library.'" –Jay Leno
"A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper
reporter. They say it's better for writers to just focus on fiction and
become a CNN reporter." –Jimmy Fallon
"You know what the worst job in America is? It's newspaper reporter. I
guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at
Dodger Stadium how things are going for him."-Jimmy Kimmel
"It was dubbed the worst job because it's high stress, low pay, and
often requires working in dangerous conditions. This must have been a
fun story for the newspaper reporters to report. 'Hey guys, guess what?
Our lives stink.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
April 22-23, 2013
"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential
Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno
"Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown
and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make
him eligible to be vice president." –Jay Leno
"U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of
Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with
Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA.
It's a condition we know as 'Kardashianism.'" –Jay Leno
"Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and
they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought,
'Wait a minute, the real news isn't bad enough? Now we're making up bad
news?'" –David Letterman
"According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly
positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there's hope for me!"
–David Letterman
"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving
Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar." –David Letterman
"Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing
same-sex mistresses." –Craig Ferguson
"These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with
a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally
wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel
Hospital." –Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers
"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow
conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a
crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows
that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert
April 19, 2013
"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens,
which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of
Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed
revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill
Maher on the Boston bombers
"Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who
sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the
carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North
Korea with nuclear annihilation." –Bill Maher
"The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama…
believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the
black market and the government was in on it. He's been apprehended,
he's facing jail time, and he's leading in the polls for the Republican
presidential nomination in 2016." –Bill Maher
"After a very difficult week, it's good to know
that bad guys don't get away with it. We caught the Ricin guy. We caught
the bombers. This is a powerful message from our government; we will not
be intimidated by bombs, we will not be intimidated by poison. This is
America. If you are a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun."
–Bill Maher
"90 percent of people support background checks,
which means even people who can't pass a background check support
background checks." –Bill Maher
"Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54
to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math,
they're going to be pissed." –Bill Maher
"A lot of the senators are saying off the record
that the reason they couldn't vote for any sort of gun bill is that they
couldn't go back to their district in this year after we've dealt with
gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for
the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say
Obama is coming for your deep fryer." –Bill Maher
April 15-17, 2013
Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing:
"Whoever did this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of
Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For
Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims — a people so tough they
had to buckle their goddamn hats on. It is the cradle of the American
revolution. A city that withstood an 86-year losing streak. A city that
made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up
traffic for 16 years — I mean, there are commuters just getting home
now. Even their bands are tough. It's the hometown of Aerosmith, who
are, in their fifth decade, still going strong. Even Steven Tyler looks
fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman.
"But here is what these cowards really don't get. They attacked the
Boston Marathon. An event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their
day off until their nipples are raw for fun. And they have been holding
it in Boston since 1897. And do you know how tough you have to be to run
in a whalebone corset? And when those bombs went off, there were runners
who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to
the hospital to donate blood.
"So here's what I know. These maniacs may have tried to make life bad
for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do is show just how good
those people are."
Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing:
"Once again, having to start under horrific events here in this country.
I really hate the fact that I can cross-reference my thoughts to so many
other events that have occurred over the years — so I'm not going to.
I'm just going to say this to Boston: Thank you. Thank you for once
again, in the face of gross inhumanity, inspiring and solidifying my
belief in humanity and the people of this country.
"So thank you for everything you've done. It's a quite a little city
you've got going on up there. And New Yorkers and Boston obviously have
kind of a little bit of a competition. Often, the two cities accusing
each other of various levels of suckitude. But it is in situations like
this that we realize it is clearly a sibling rivalry, and that we are
your brothers and sisters in this type of event. As a city that knows
the feeling of confusion, anger, and grief, and chaos that comes with
these events, I can tell you from personal experience: You've got a hell
of a city going on, and you've done an incredible job in the face of all
this. Thank you."
Latest Jokes:
"President Obama
offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill.
Senators then told Obama, 'If you're going to wash our cars, why do we
need immigrants?" –Conan O'Brien
'Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about
Kim Jong Un? It's not a good sign when the friend who's trying to
explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That's not the guy I
would send out for my sanity test.' –Conan O'Brien
"Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That
makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone
you're an FBI informant." –Conan O'Brien
"Today,
North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country's
founder. He famously said, 'Let's have a crappy version of South Korea.
We can do that.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that
it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida." –Conan O'Brien
"It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious
letter containing the poison ricin. It's a deadly poison made from
beans. They said it's the third worst substance you can send in the mail
behind anthrax and packing peanuts." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it's from the same
person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he's
bipartisan." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. This is
the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business
owners, and Wesley Snipes." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns?
We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the
pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I
already paid?" –Jimmy Kimmel
April 12, 2013
"Stop buying the hype about North Korea.
… Think about it -- Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so
high because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon."
–Bill Maher
"I want
Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it's always a spectacular
disaster. He's the only Asian in the world that doesn't test well."
–Bill Maher
"John
Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but
he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to
gun
control." –Bill Maher
"Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a
debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence,
Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a
meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?'" –Bill Maher
"Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31
– all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They
are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be
a horrible violation of the Constitution...unless it keeps black people
from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea." –Bill Maher
"A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because
someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside,
lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom." –Bill
Maher
"Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a
national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when
the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our
hopes up for a gun control bill. It's like talking about fire safety
with a pyromaniac." –Bill Maher
"Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one.
Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns,
they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back
women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?" –Bill
Maher
"Paul
Ryan said today, 'We don't want a country where abortion is simply
outlawed, we want a country where it isn't even considered.' Really,
Paul? That's not what your mom told me." –Bill Maher
"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's
Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're
a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an
example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had
overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to
start collecting two of every chromosome." –Bill Maher
"Anthony Weiner
is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come
back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things
standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram." –Bill Maher
"Margaret Thatcher died on Monday.
Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she
said Charles can be king." –Bill Maher
"Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are
still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile
after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was
he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. " –Jimmy Fallon
"It’s looking like
President Obama
might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all
weighing in, and yesterday
Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels
like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, 'Stop helping.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this
year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they
picked to lose to Ahmadinejad." –Jimmy Fallon
"Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where
thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see
a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a
Carnival cruise to come in." –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For
example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of
the respondents said, 'Si.'" –Jay Leno
April 11, 2013
"Last night
President Obama
hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president
said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you
know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything." –Jay Leno
"North Korean
officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an
effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You're five years
too late." –Jay Leno
"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for
Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in
the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for
Ronald Reagan." –Jay Leno
"A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to
President Obama asking him to ease the nation's drug enforcement policy.
Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug
laws – it's always the people you least expect." –Jay Leno
"On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin
Timberlake. It's being called the blackest thing President Obama has
ever done." –Conan O'Brien
"Donald
Trump is going to be a grandfather. It's true. That thing on his
head is pregnant." –Craig Ferguson
"The South Korean pop star Psy of 'Gangnam Style' fame just announced
that he'll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North
Korea said, 'Now they're really asking for it.'" –Jimmy Fallon
April 10, 2013
"After withdrawing from public life
Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back
in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them." –Stephen
Colbert
"I, for one, think Weiner would be a great New York City mayor. For one
thing, we wouldn't have to worry about a soda ban because we've all seen
that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup." –Stephen Colbert
"I believe the time is right. Anthony wiener is a changed man. His own
brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: 'There was
definitely a douchiness about him I don't see anymore.' I think his
mayoral campaign just found his slogan: 'Anthony Weiner, now less
douchey.'" –Stephen Colbert
"That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy.
As Weiner's brother pointed out, 'No one has been harder on him than he
has been on him than he has been on himself.' And we all know how hard
he can be on himself." –Stephen Colbert
"Former Rep. Anthony Weiner? Remember him? He famously tweeted lewd
photos of himself. He says he wants people to give him a second chance.
Not in politics, but on Instagram." –Conan O'Brien
"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he's considering running
for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I'm sure that he'll provide
some stiff competition." –Jimmy Fallon
"Come on, he's the total package. I don't want to be too hard on him. I
don't have a bone to pick with that guy." –Jimmy Fallon
"Finally, after months of wrangling,
President Obama has unveiled his
highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor
Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, 'Yeah, that's how you
know it's good.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He's now thinking of
running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and
hard about this." –Jay Leno
"The Wall Street Journal said that Mr. Weiner didn't respond to an email
seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn't email or text you back?
Consider yourself lucky!" –Jay Leno
"It's starting to get serious – China has warned
North Korea about
starting a war. China told them flat out, 'Do not fire any missiles at
the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16
trillion. Wait until then.'" –Jay Leno
"Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los
Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that
would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate." –Jay
Leno
"South Korean officials today say they're highly confident that North
Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess
means Dennis Rodman failed." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending
Kim Jong
Un a Disneyland pass?" –Jimmy Kimmel
April 9, 2013
"This week on the 'Today' show, Chelsea Clinton said she's open to
running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama
was like, 'Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea
backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam
Style.'" –Conan O'Brien
"In high school
Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical
'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong."
–Conan O'Brien
"The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of
dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the
Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis." –Conan O'Brien
"North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of
China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China
tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, 'Whoa, easy on the
tequila.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new
weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile
defense system. They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on
them." –Craig Ferguson
"This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people
turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since 'Gangnam Style.'"
–Craig Ferguson
"Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history
of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the
fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking
of NBC." –Craig Ferguson
"I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear
missile tomorrow, I'm really glad we had this time together." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don't
vote for him in next week's election. Today Mitt Romney said, 'You can
do that?'" –Jay Leno
"That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here
in America we're cursed no matter who we vote for." –Jay Leno
"It was this day in 1967 that Russia sold Alaska to the United States
for 2 cents an acre. You know why they sold us so cheaply? Just to get
rid of the Palins." –Jay Leno
April 8, 2013
"President Obama is in trouble for saying that California Attorney
General Kamala Harris is good looking. When asked for comment,
Bill
Clinton said, 'That guy is out of control." –Conan O'Brien
"Because Obama said California Attorney General Kamala Harris was
attractive, people are calling his remark sexist. Now the President is
overcompensating and trying to balance it out. Today he said Attorney
General Eric Holder has a great ass." –Jay Leno
"Here's something I didn't know. When Vice President Biden and President
Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to
personalize their meals. For example, Biden's lunch always comes with a
toy." –Jay Leno
"Little is known about North Korean dictator
Kim Jong Un other than the
fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge
basketball fan. I'm sorry, that's not Kim Jong Un. That's Rutgers
basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused." –Jay Leno
"There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5
percent because of budget cuts – except for Vice President Joe Biden. He
won't do it. Though in fairness, it'll take Biden at least a month to
figure out what 5 percent of his salary is." –Jimmy Fallon
"Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea
and his appearance on 'Celebrity Apprentice.' I'm gonna ask him what it
was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman – and then we'll
talk about Kim Jong Un." –Jimmy Fallon
April 5, 2013
"North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against
America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting
barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car." –Bill Maher (share
this joke on Facebook)
"During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he
called California's Kamala Harris, quote, 'the best-looking attorney
general in the country.' Of course he said it was just a joke. Then
Michelle was like, 'Well, here's another one: What's black and white and
sleeps on the couch?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney
general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy
a really nice necklace for Michelle." –Jimmy Fallon
"While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California's attorney
general, Kamala Harris, 'the best-looking attorney general ever.' after
the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the
president from first lady Michelle." –Jay Leno
"Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had
to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it's Joe's job to say
stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House." –Jay Leno
"We have a guy here in New York City who wanted to be mayor so he's
trying to bribe his way on to the ballot, laying out big, big money. And
the scandal involves three Republicans and two Democrats. Finally, some
bipartisanship!" –David Letterman
"Everybody's excited about college basketball's tournament. You know who
is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner." –David Letterman
April 4, 2013
"Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S.
has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that
going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them,
don't send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship." –Jay Leno
"This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map
the human brain. Joe Biden said, 'You can map mine for a lot less.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"Right now there are two Kims in the news. There's Kim Jong-Un, who's
the leader of North Korea, and then there's Kim Kardaishian, the reality
star who's having a baby with Kanye West. It can be kind of tough to
keep track of who's who. Kim Kardashian's life is like a roller coaster;
Kim Jong-Un isn't tall enough to ride one. Kim Kardashian's favorite
movie is called Failure to Launch; Kim Jong-Un's nuclear program is
called Failure to Launch." –Jimmy Fallon
"Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program,
which used to be Conan's program — announced that he was taking over for
Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, 'It's amazing that this
information didn't leak out earlier.'" –David Letterman
"Jay, for leaving 'The Tonight Show' for the second time, gets $15
million. It's the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It's the
same deal the old Pope got." –David Letterman
"Yesterday NBC announced Jay's retirement. And today they officially
began regretting it. But you don't have to worry. Jay always bounces
back and that's what Fallon ought to be worried about." –David Letterman
"They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to 'The Tonight Show.' They gave
Conan $30 million NOT to host 'The Tonight Show.' I have not hosted 'The
Tonight Show' longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?"
–David Letterman
"It seems like every single day, President Obama finds a new way to
waste our tax dollars. I mean, two daughters? Seems a little redundant."
–Stephen Colbert
April 3, 2013
"Folks, I've got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day
today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn't get 'The
Tonight Show' again." –Jay Leno
"I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He's going to do a
great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We've all fought, kicked,
and scratched to get this network up to fifth place – now we have to
keep it there. Jimmy, don't let it slip into 6th. We are counting on
you." –Jay Leno
"Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn't even taken over yet and the rumors
have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace
Jimmy with Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno
"Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening
of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he's
looking forward to going through the library to see if there was
anything else he could blame Bush for." –Jay Leno
"Welcome to the show, everybody. This is 'Late Night With Jimmy Fallon'
— for now." –Jimmy Fallon
"You've probably heard the news. I'm going to be taking over for 'The
Tonight Show' next February. But don't worry. Until February our focus
is right here on . . . whatever this show is called." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush's library
this month. Apparently there's still a lot of debris around the new
building, or as Obama put it, 'Don't look at me, I'm still cleaning up
your last mess.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the
chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, 'Well, David,
I see you didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again.'" –David Letterman
"Didn't we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is
the second time this has happened. It's crazy. He's being replaced by a
younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman
"But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno's
departure. No mention of his official date of return, however." –David
Letterman
"The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website
to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called
'Irony.gov.'" –David Letterman
"Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13
percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent
were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting
more legislation passed." –Jimmy Kimmel
April 2, 2013
"The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the
world, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant.' That is out.
They will now use the phrase 'undocumented Democrat.'" –Jay Leno
"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human
brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's
Congress." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only
two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn
how to shoot.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama went only two for 22. It's tough times for Obama – one
minute, he's asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he's
asking them to lower the hoop." –Jimmy Fallon
April 1, 2013
"The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President
Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was 'Be healthy, be active,
be you.' They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten
kids with when they are bad. 'I will send you straight to the yoga
garden, little mister.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks
after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, 'Yeah, yeah. I ate
the first draft. I know the drill.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a
peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides.
April Fools! It will never happen." –Jay Leno
"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You
can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of
Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars." –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today.
But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with
how fast the ice cream was melting." –Jay Leno
"According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones
than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That's
not unusual." –Jay Leno
"Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the
government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a
dude." –Stephen Colbert
"I've never been a fan of Earth Day and it's hippie dippy Kumbaya orgy
of drum-circle-jerks." –Stephen Colbert
"Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what
this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by
the time you finally see a doctor." –Stephen Colbert
"Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty
line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty
million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them
all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should
move if they want free healthcare!" –Stephen Colbert
March 28, 2013
"Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament
bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made –
then he looked at his economic advisers and said, 'Ehh, maybe not.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge
of our national security – recently said she doesn't email, text, or
tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because
there's literally no other way she'll get the message." –Jimmy Fallon
"North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out
at any minute. Or as Obama put it, 'Can't believe I'm doing this. Get me
Dennis Rodman.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What
did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?" –Jay Leno
"Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky
against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be
co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey." –Jay
Leno
March 27, 2013
"Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back
when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy
campaigning for open marriage." –Conan O'Brien
"Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their
appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh
officially come out as a lesbian." –Conan O'Brien
"A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care
about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because
Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey." –Conan O'Brien
"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged
misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch
nemesis: the facts." –Jay Leno
"Last year at Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the
hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep."
–David Letterman
"Last year there was some trouble at the White House's Easter egg hunt.
One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate." –David
Letterman
"Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for
and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage,
which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy." –David
Letterman
"The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man
and one impossible woman." –David Letterman
"I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when 'Gay
Divorce Court' hits the air. That's how I'll be spending my days."
–David Letterman
"Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an
affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter
in his life. It got awkward when he said, 'Any of you ladies want to
write it?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about
four-and-a-half years. That is unless they're a late-night host on NBC."
–Jimmy Fallon
March 26, 2013
"A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal
for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only
because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding." –Stephen
Colbert
"Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch
the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe
that's why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay
Marriage Deliberation Tour." –Conan O'Brien
"Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the
Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday." –Conan O'Brien
"Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at
the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, 'Hey, I
thought we were Muslim." –Conan O'Brien
"Last year the expenses of the living exp residents cost us taxpayers
almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions
and Bill Clinton's party bus." –Conan O'Brien
"The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex
marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage
should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the
opposite sex." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I'm wearing a robe."
–Jimmy Kimmel
"The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for
conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered
tomorrow in song." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video
conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states
instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much 'not done'
at home as they get 'not done' in Washington." –Jay Leno
"Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican
retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly
what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter." –Jay Leno
"Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that
President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When
Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, 'It was great — I had a
petting zoo and a clown.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast
a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life." –Jon Stewart
March 25, 2013
"The average American works six months a year for the government. Think
about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for
the government." –David Letterman
"New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting
the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who
is not wearing a pantsuit." –David Letterman
"John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli
President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman." –David
Letterman
"During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore
Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle –
restoring Israel's relationship with pork." –Conan O'Brien
"The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion
special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic."
–Craig Ferguson
"There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in
their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking
about their joints." –Jimmy Fallon
"I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering
an early bird special." –Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch
together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time
bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien
"Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For
instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel
Alliance." –Stephen Colbert
"Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad
weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes
form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a
gay Caribbean cruise." –Stephen Colbert
March 21-22, 2013
"According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak
only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the
average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level." –Jay Leno
"There's a big controversy with the History Channel's mini-series The
Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny
resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn't the first time the
president's been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single
day. This is not new." –Jay Leno
"Congresswoman Michele 'Nutball' Bachmann back in the news. She has
attacked what she calls the Obamas' lavish White House lifestyle. She
says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker.
That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to
walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free." –Jay Leno
"Well, after losing two presidential elections in a row, the Republican
Party has outlined a plan to attract minorities. It's called 'Operation
Pretend We Like 'Em.'" –Jay Leno
"The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10
million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters –
you know, to ask them not to vote." –Jimmy Fallon
March 20, 2013
"President Obama filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana,
Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had
Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke
down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put
it: 'Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked
Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four.
Crazy that it's been four months since the election, and he still needs
Florida and Ohio to win." –Jimmy Fallon
"A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike
the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, 'That's
your Plan A?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do 'Jurassic
Park'-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were
thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's
hope for NBC. It could turn around." –Jay Leno
March 19, 2013
"A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she
sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job
at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser." –Jay Leno
"She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top
of the ratings." –Jay Leno
"The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It
loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most
successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year."
–Jay Leno
"The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on
every individual savings account in that country. They'll take 10
percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama
said: 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno
"The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the
festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented
the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis
Rodman was there, of course." –David Letterman
"The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that
means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival
Cruise passengers." –David Letterman
"Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the
same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and
Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal." –Jimmy Fallon
"Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to
citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it,
"Who do you think's going to build that path?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Last night on 'The Tonight Show,' during the monologue Jay Leno called
NBC executives 'snakes.' The response came quickly. 'Jay Leno has
crossed the line and gone too far,' responded the snakes." –Craig
Ferguson
March 18, 2013
"Have you been watching 'The Bible'? They have a character who plays
Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought,
'If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to
deal with him.'" –David Letterman (share
this joke on Facebook)
"The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's 'The Bible' looks like
President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, 'How can
you do that to Satan?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of
Vogue magazine. And also look for President Obama next month on the
cover of The Economist. It's their annual April Fools issue." –Jay Leno
"To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets
overflowing with green water." –Jay Leno
"You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all
the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and
became NBC executives." –Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton came out today in support of gay marriage. Now she
faces her greatest challenge yet – getting her husband to support
straight marriage." –Craig Ferguson
March 15, 2013
"Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He
has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He
still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the
bathroom in first class." –Bill Maher
"They had a panel discussion at CPAC called 'Are You Sick and Tired of
Being Called a Racist When You Know You're Not One?' Let me save you
guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick
and tired of it, you might be a redneck." –Bill Maher
"U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber
attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's
computer. It's called 'Microsoft Windows.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in
the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC."
–Jay Leno
"You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the
fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign
ads." –Jay Leno
"New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so
bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said
it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a
Carnival Cruise ship." –Jay Leno
"Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no
water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a
Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won't try to board them now."
–Jay Leno
"Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell
Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." –David Letterman
"We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have
his spaghetti sauce." –David Letterman
"Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night." –David
Letterman
"Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They
were just burning some pizza boxes." –David Letterman
"Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in
the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in
show business." –Craig Ferguson
"Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years.
But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent
years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the
'Egyptian Taylor Swift.'" –Craig Ferguson
"After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar
fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned
out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius
Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson
March 14, 2013
"As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He
is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of
youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs." –Jay Leno
"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew
those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay
Leno
"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election.
And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still
hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his
worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment.
He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now
every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno
"Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used
to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it:
'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert!" –Jimmy Fallon
"Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a
bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of
the bouncer for Heaven." –Jimmy Fallon
"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the
new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel
even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon
"With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is
facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can
tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend
ANY money on calligraphy." –Jimmy Fallon
"The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected
him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage
downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight
about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble." –David
Letterman
"The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the
Latin vote." –David Letterman
"It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a
year to replace Regis." –David Letterman
"It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime
this summer. Isn't that great? This new Pope is already getting things
done.' –Conan O'Brien
March 13, 2013
“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean
Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a
job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien
“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the
Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against
homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien
“The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If
you're saying to yourself, 'Boy, that name sounds familiar,' you're
right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.” –David
Letterman
“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the
chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope." –David
Letterman
“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from
Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just
here in L.A.” –Jay Leno
“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed.
In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain
Dews.” –Jay Leno
“But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in
Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on
‘The View.’” –Jay Leno
“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It
seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president —
and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t
believe in redistribution of wealth.” –Jay Leno
“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the
1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican
wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo.’” –Craig Ferguson
“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a
former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and
the music of Coldplay.” –Craig Ferguson
“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.”
–Craig Ferguson
March 12, 2013
“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope.
Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who's still
trying to figure out how the ballots work.” –Jimmy Fallon
"In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal
conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice
was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal
Chong.” –Jimmy Fallon
“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy
matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad
when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’”
–Jimmy Fallon
“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of
papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the
history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” –David
Letterman
“The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and
put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they're
drawn out. It's the same thing they do for the Vatican's Secret Santa.”
–David Letterman
“The Pope has more than one designation. He's also the bishop of Rome.
He's also known as the pontiff. And here's what I didn't know. He's also
known as Diddy.” –David Letterman
“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie
"Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their
country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the
movie ‘Shrek.’” –Craig Ferguson
“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen
pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a
deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” –Craig
Ferguson
“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger
than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to
improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system
if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by
simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” –Craig Ferguson
“How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not
like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over,
watching everything people do with little cameras.” –Craig Ferguson
“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't
reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means
they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.” –Conan O’Brien
“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they
don't have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being
exposed to any press rumors and any "Walking Dead" spoilers.” –Conan
O’Brien
March 11, 2013
“In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world
leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba
sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.” –Jay Leno
“Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be
filled by North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's nice of him to step in and
fill that.” –Jay Leno
“A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W.
Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some
follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” –Jay
Leno
“The Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing
this, Vice President Joe Biden said "Wait, why am I still taking the
train?’” –Conan O’Brien
“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald
Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the
Trump White House and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien
“Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to
become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals.
They also have to win Ohio and Florida.” –Conan O’Brien
“The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and
extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another
term as mayor of Detroit.” –Conan O’Brien
“North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!” –David
Letterman
“When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the
chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not
reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.”
–David Letterman
March 8, 2013
“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith
Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the
old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer
from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American
on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’”
–Bill Maher
“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing
only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher
“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and
thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did
Dennis Rodman say?!’” –Bill Maher
“Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant;
like a date, and he picked up the tab…he put down the White House credit
card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied.” –Bill Maher
“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get
done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and
Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to
call them McCainsey from now on.” –Bill Maher
“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans
to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working
apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put
out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty
first.” –Bill Maher
“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever…they say
in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” –Bill Maher
“A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American
Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said ‘girlfriend,
who doesn’t.’” –Bill Maher
“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – f*** you. A
one-million dollar hybrid - that ought to impress the hippie chicks
selling soap at the farmer's market. Finally, the car for a billionaire
who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” –Bill Maher
“If seeing this nice lady (Michelle Obama) on TV saying she likes the
movies, or nutrition, or exercise fills you with rage, get help.” –Bill
Maher (Share
this on Facebook)
“The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers
to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on
planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.” –Seth
Meyers
March 7, 2013
"President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And
at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab.
Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.'"
–Conan O'Brien
"North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the
question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?" –Conan
O'Brien
"Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it
was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about
taking my family to dinner at a furniture store." –Conan O'Brien
"All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns.
Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't
belong. Fake your birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson
"Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to
earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's
drones?" –Craig Ferguson
"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants
people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that
the plot of 'Footloose'?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he
just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out
of people's hands?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It
promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet
on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel
March 6, 2013
"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C.,
everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan
O'Brien
"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled
indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'"
–Conan O'Brien
"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake
video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien
"Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn
actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He's a
polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don't like. Chavez was,
too." –Craig
Ferguson
"The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS
suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson
"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was?
The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a
black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal
in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen
Colbert
March 5, 2013
"A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it's being
called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans
want it cut down to 2." –Conan
O'Brien
"A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The
automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So
be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace
amounts of Italian food." –Conan O'Brien
"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the
next
Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'"
–Conan O'Brien
"It is Election Day. We're going for a new mayor. At one point, our
mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why
would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our
community, want to hang around with the mayor?" –Craig
Ferguson
"It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to
seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like
Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show.'" –Craig Ferguson
"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just
do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3
billion in foreign military aid. This year,
President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I
know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read
charts from right to left." –Stephen
Colbert
"Jon
Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from 'The
Daily Show.' We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the
country of Venezuela." – Stephen Colbert
March 4, 2013
"In his first interview since losing the election,
Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said
he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy." –Conan
O'Brien
"The search for a
Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in
Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate."
–Conan O'Brien
"Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said
President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But
President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with
Scottie Pippen." –Conan O'Brien
"Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's
getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of
being born in Kenya." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell l to be
his budget director. The President says he's excited by her experience
at Wal-Mart. Sylvia Burwell said she's excited to be making more than
$9.85 per hour." –Conan O'Brien
“Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans
and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and
have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch
McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” –Stephen
Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe
"President Obama's half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He's a
political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don't know much
about the half-brother." –Craig
Ferguson
"The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis
is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong
Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life.
But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra." –Jimmy
Kimmel
March 1-2, 2013
"I don't have a lot of hope for the new
Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say
they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old
weirdo." –Bill
Maher
"The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular
Republican in the country,
Chris Christie, because apparently they're
mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged
Obama. In their
world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a
7-wood and shot a hole in one." –Bill Maher
"They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite
Rick Perry and
Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting
of the minds?'" –Bill Maher
"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on
her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by
writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher
"This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your
refrigerator to blow up if you open the door." –Bill Maher on the
sequester
"New Rule: Now that it's been announced that former Pope John Ratzinger
will no longer wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how
I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall?" –Bill
Maher
"Welcome sequestration survivors.
Congress did not reach an agreement
and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost.
There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to
understand why we're in this situation in the first place?" –Jay
Leno
"The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off."
–Jay Leno
"At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about
Mitt Romney? He's not doing anything." –Jay Leno
"Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years
as Pontiff. - - revealing an incredible case of hat hair." –Seth
Meyers
"After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on
a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few
months, I’m guessing, trying to kill James Bond?" –Seth Meyers
"Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which
lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the
game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made."
–Seth Meyers
Feb. 28, 2013
"We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If
the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90
minutes – or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure." –Conan
O'Brien
"These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect
water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to
embark on a
Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien
"Today was
Pope
Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals
are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's." –Conan O'Brien
"The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, 'Among you is the future
Pope.' And then he said, 'Now enter The Octagon.' They're going to fight
it out with holy relics." –Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to
live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born
in." –Craig
Ferguson
"Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some
last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope
his security deposit back. " –Craig Ferguson
"He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters." –Craig
Ferguson
"In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job
is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and
Simon Cowell. He'll say, 'Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You're not going to
the Vatican.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing
bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during
my fantasy Pope draft." –Jimmy
Fallon
"Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be
President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the
sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts." –Jimmy
Fallon
"Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300
illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as
officials put it, 'Catch ya later.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You
have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he
already cashed in his 401(k)." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he
left in a helicopter – just like 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter
pilot's license, but never got a driver's license. He can fly a
helicopter, but he can't drive a car — just like Jesus before him."
–Jimmy Kimmel
"As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There's a lot of cardinals
running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy.
My favorite: 'Yes, We Vati-can.'" –Jay
Leno
Feb. 27, 2013
"Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including
President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business.
It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror." –Stephen
Colbert
"The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's
into remote controlled planes." –Stephen Colbert
"Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up,
down down, B, A, B, A, select." –Stephen Colbert
"John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really
taken a toll on
Hillary Clinton." –Stephen Colbert
"Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85
billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers,
meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're
someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you're
really screwed." –Jimmy
Fallon
"This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only
in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in
hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the
burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a
tail on it." –Jay
Leno
"In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products
tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this
country, a hot dog." –Jay Leno
"President Obama said this week that after four years as president, 'you
realize all the mistakes you've made.' so apparently he DOES watch Fox
News." –Jay Leno
"Today the
Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season
of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the
church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When
asked for comment the lord said, 'You try staying awake through a Latin
mass.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in
Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's
gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now
deliberately tripped by the Israelis." –Conan O'Brien
"It's tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in
with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to
the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office
is, 'Are you sure you weren't tailed?'" –David
Letterman
"Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today,
he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops
home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise." –David
Letterman
"Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government
in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets,
waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections."
–Craig
Ferguson
"All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late
19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had
tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians." –Craig Ferguson
"Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why
the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his
celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior
decorator." –Craig Ferguson
"A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A
comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America.
A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from 'Saturday Night Live'? Yeah."
–Craig Ferguson
David Letterman's "Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State
John Kerry"
10. Portuguam
9. Galifiankistan
8. Uncle Artica
7. Costa Regis
6. Equatorial Vinnie
5. Guayaguay
4. Greece 2
3. Belize Navidad
2. Bangjohntesh
1. Cameroon Diaz
Feb. 26, 2013
"In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet
Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her
remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico." –Jay
Leno
"Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad
medicine?" –Jay Leno
"More problems for Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey. Remember he got in
trouble for cavorting with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic? Now a
professional East Coast escort has come forward and she says she had a
sexual arrangement with him and other politicians as well. See, in
Washington that arrangement is known as 'quid pro ho.'" –Jay Leno
"The White House officially released portraits of the White House
gang. You can all see the portrait of
Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the 'Sports
Illustrated' pants suit issue." –David
Letterman
"The
Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing
communion wafers." –David Letterman
"The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in,
nothing. That must drive his wife crazy." –David Letterman
"Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars"
lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that." –David
Letterman
"Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add
insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked
Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep." –Conan
O'Brien
"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win
nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with
the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen
Colbert
"My church has had some problems. Yes, money was molested. Yes, children
were laundered." –Stephen Colbert on the Catholic Church
"Our heroic drones have so rattled Al Qaeda, its leaders are
distributing a 22-point tip sheet on how to avoid them. Like tip number
12: 'Maintain complete silence of all wireless contacts.' Here's a
pro-tip: switch to AT&T. No one will ever find you!" -–Stephen Colbert
David Letterman's "Top Ten Pope Benedict Achievements"
10. Invented the vibrating desk
9. Designs new summer line of papal vestments
8. Announces Vatican's Two-For-One Lobster Tuesdays
7. Invents rechargeable pope hat
6. Departs St. Peter's Square via jetpack
5. Makes historic trip to Mexico
4. Serves as judge on "Vatican City's Got Talent"
3. Releases best-selling iPad app, "Angry Popes"
2. Hosts his own game show
1. Performs first miracle: Turning bread into toast
Feb. 25, 2013
"Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was
being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival
cruise." –Conan
O'Brien
"Big winner last night was 'Life of Pi,' a story of a young man who
wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which
oddly enough, is also the plot of 'The Hangover 3.'" –Conan O'Brien
"First Lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs." –David
Letterman
"The entire cast of 'Les Miserables' performed a song from the
movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of 'Zero Dark Thirty' put
it, 'Now this is torture.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North
Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"Unlike Jesus, with my book, you don't have to wait a thousand years for
the second edition." –Stephen Colbert
Feb. 22, 2013
"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to
ask her some serious questions, like, 'Do you think that I could pull
off bangs?'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is
excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch."
–Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness
initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week
to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit."'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Al Qaeda has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid
being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s a good one: Don't join al-Qaida." –Jay
Leno
"A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that
former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own
pockets." –Jay Leno
Watch:
Michelle Obama Teaches Jimmy Fallon How to Mom-Dance
Feb. 21, 2013
"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of
Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan
O'Brien
"Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with
offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked." –Craig
Ferguson
"The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think
it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something,
it'll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring
Lance Armstrong." –Craig Ferguson
"It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State's
graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those
students. He's currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt." –Jimmy
Fallon
"Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty'
contains a lot of errors. They were like, 'The movie makes Pakistan out
to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance – but in real
life, it's WAY worse than that.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"After the success of his book, 'Killing Lincoln,' Bill O'Reilly is
coming out with a new book called 'Killing Jesus.' He's going to be
disappointed when he finds out there's already a book about that."
–Jimmy Fallon
"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's
nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts
of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a
Senate Republican." –Stephen
Colbert
"The fact that these organizations don't exist only makes it more
suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them ... President Obama,
withdraw Hagel's nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate
Republicans -- another group that doesn't exist." –Stephen Colbert
Feb. 20, 2013
"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in
office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was
a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another
senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry
Springer Show'?" –Jay
Leno
"Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse
than the next guy. And he's right, because you know who the next guy
was? John Edwards." –Jay Leno
"Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing
hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use,
including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that
money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time." –Jay Leno
"There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber
attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of
dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay
back China." –Jimmy
Fallon
"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of
marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in
the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state
slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to
leave.'" –Jimmy
Kimmel
"They're going to miss
Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to
replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks." –David
Letterman
"They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout
with Kelly Ripa." –David Letterman
"It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a
relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German
on the sidewalk with a sign that reads 'Will Pope for food.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston.
That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for
Yankee fans." –Conan O'Brien
Feb. 19, 2013
"Over the weekend,
President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the
president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a
week." –Jay Leno
"Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't
understand economics." –Jay Leno
"Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The
most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages." –Jay Leno
"The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal
from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you
kiss his 2007 World Series ring." –Conan O'Brien
"The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you're the leader
of the Catholic Church, and the next day you're at Denny's blowing on
your soup." –David Letterman
"Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and
you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a
photo of your boss's son." –David Letterman
"This is about transparency, about a free
press holding our leader accountable. I mean it's one thing to keep us
in the dark about a fleet of flying robo-assassins. but a round of golf
on your day off? Where's the judicial oversight?" -- Stephen Colbert
"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be
made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah
melt." -- Stephen Colbert
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy
Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"
10. "How about you and I form a more perfect union?"
9. "Who wants to touch my beard?"
8. "Daniel-Day Lewis wishes he looked this good"
7. "Is it true Bloomberg outlawed hats over 16 ounces?"
6. "Damn, girl, you make Mary Todd look like Ulysses S. Grant"
5. (Holding $5 bill next to face) "Does the $5 bill make me look fat?"
4. "Wow, I thought my clothing was outdated"
3. "It's Presidents' Day, how 'bout a hug?"
2. "Hey, where's my idiot son, Abraham W. Lincoln?"
1. "Hey, jackass, you gonna thank me for the day off?"
Feb. 18, 2013
"Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American
tradition — immigrants working on your day off." –Craig Ferguson
"Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate
our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20
years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials."
–Craig Ferguson
"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument.
Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair
looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a
monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig
Ferguson
"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a
pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie
Nelson." –Craig Ferguson
"The White House's immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and
Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it 'dead on arrival.'
That incidentally is also Florida's state motto." –Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods.
Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She
told him, 'No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.'"
–Jay Leno
"Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both
got in trouble because of their stimulus package." –Jay Leno
"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You
know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most
effective right now." –Jay Leno
"We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced
that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In
fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break
forever." –Jay Leno
"The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope
going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen
plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place." –Jay Leno
"Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a
couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers" –David
Letterman
"The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling
ranch, the Pope-arosa." –David Letterman
"Since the brutal presidential election,
there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am
confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen
Colbert
"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you
are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert
Feb. 14-16, 2013
"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry
list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted
universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with
the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill
Maher
"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid
of the penny And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's
bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher
"Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look
on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom
attendant." –Bill Maher
"After Obama's speech, the Cuban guy in the Republican Party reached for
a bottle of water, and he looked like a mime stuck in a box." –Bill
Maher on Sen. Marco Rubio's water break during the Republican response
to the State of the Union
"Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these
tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs,
provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes
SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher
"Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The
Middle Ages -- a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as
now." –Bill Maher
"February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then
we're going to have a period where there's no Pope. And the Vatican says
until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own
travel arrangements." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long
time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and
you develop a bad case of cottonmouth. Plus, the next time Rubio panders
to Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of a speech, when he
stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose." –Bill Maher
"Senators John McCain and Lindsay Graham this week said they would not
proceed with the nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense
until the Obama Administration provided more information about last
year’s Benghazi attack. Then, and only then, will they return to their
balcony seats on the Muppet Show.'" –Seth Meyers
"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing
they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag."
–Stephen Colbert
"Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a
four-year waiting period." –Stephen
Colbert
"I believe in American exceptionalism. And
this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I
believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not
just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional." –Stephen
Colbert
"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used
to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who
wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on
enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –SStephen
Colbert
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Going Through Marco Rubio's Mind At
This Moment"
10. "Smooth"
9. "Doctors say you should drink eight glasses of water every speech"
8. "I think I look pretty cool drinking out of a tiny bottle"
7. "Laugh all you want--Poland Spring just paid me a million damn
dollars"
6. "This would be a great closer for my ventriloquist act"
5. "That looked presidential, right?"
4. "I'm sure they'll edit this part out"
3. "OMG, I asked for sparkling water"
2. "Marco Rubio needs his throato lubio"
1. "By 2016, won't America want a stooge back in the White House?"
Feb. 13, 2013
"The Vatican said that as soon as the
Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's
the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien
"The Republican response to
President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator
Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a
Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night.
Then Florida Senator
Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle
class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need 'Biggie' fries to
have regular-sized fries." –Jimmy Kimmel
"While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone
seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you
get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech." –Jimmy Kimmel
"How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's
reaching for the water. It's like, 'Drop the gun on the floor. Put down
the gun.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of
product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington,
who knows?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did
an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really
goes to show you – it doesn't matter if they're black or white,
Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before
the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it,
'Beats the finger I usually get!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe
me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows
what it's talking about." –Jay Leno
"The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union
speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink
of water." –Jay Leno
"Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night?
How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the
kids?" –Jay Leno
"As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no
room for advancement. It's a dead-end job." –Jay Leno
"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're
busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David
Letterman
"Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show
wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very
different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing.
And the other is the dog show." –Craig Ferguson
"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German
dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated
like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse.
Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's
toupee." –Craig Ferguson
David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You'd Make a Bad Pope"
10. Typically spend Sundays disabled by a hangover
9. Religion isn't really your thing
8. You pronounce the "P" in "Psalms"
7. Last time God spoke to you, he told you to stay out of church
6. Know nothing about Vatican, know a lot about Vicodin
5. You think "Papal" in an online payment website
4. Only want the job as an excuse to avoid sex with your wife
3. In times of trouble, ask yourself, "What would Keith Richards do?"
2. Your most recent prayer: "Dear God, don't let it be herpes"
1. Even Jesus thinks you're a stooge
Feb. 12, 2013
"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was
retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the
breakup well." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The
rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the
Republican Party, 'our black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien
"I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really
kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union
address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate." –David
Letterman
"With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester
themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send
out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't
chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013."
–Jimmy Fallon
"Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union
address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well,
it's because Washington was famous for saying, 'I cannot tell a lie.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a
false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know
something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a
'You don't have a clue' problem." –Jimmy Fallon
"Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40
days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up
alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up 'being Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight.
Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition
party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president
is going to say, but they know they won't like it." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their
rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a
pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to
preemptively rebut their rebuttal." –Jimmy Kimmel
"So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever
heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard —
which I think is the plot to 'Inception,' isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At
every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy
who walks in and says, 'Mr. Speaker, the president of the United
States!' If we're really serious about reducing the size of government,
start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?" –Jay Leno
"This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the
chamber, instead of 'Hail to the Chief,' they played 'Hey, Big
Spender.'" –Jay Leno
"The Pope is resigning. I just hope it's not steroids." –Jay Leno
"Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems.
Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail
Marys." –Jay Leno
"Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So
now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last
party." –Craig Ferguson
Feb. 11, 2013
"Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is
stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, 'Well, at least
he gave me two weeks’ notice.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in
2013?" –Jimmy Fallon
"Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address.
If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president
faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems
and Congress says, 'No.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer
handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some
stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno
"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully
he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno
"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile,
Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much
for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno "Pope Benedict announced he's
retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from
wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day." –Conan O'Brien
"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have
leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you
see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having
trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a
billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien
"The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough
to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He
could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." –David Letterman
"The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend
more time with his wife and kids." –David Letterman
"The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He
tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work." –David Letterman
"The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one
popes up in his place." –Craig Ferguson
"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher."
–Craig Ferguson
"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots.
People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is.
If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no
decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow
gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson
Feb. 7, 2013
"Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC
on her behalf called 'Ready for Hillary.' And more cautious Democratic
supporters have started another super PAC called 'Bracing for Biden.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama
can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a
related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show."
–Conan O'Brien
"When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, 'It's not my thing.'
Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman
he will replace in six years." –Conan O'Brien
"The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it
keeps coming apart at the seams." –David Letterman
"Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana
as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it?
Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner." –Jay Leno
"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first
Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of
anti-gravity on anti-Semitism." –Jay Leno
"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game
more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture.
Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail."
–Jay Leno
Feb. 6, 2013
"It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday.
It's pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off
with as much as negative $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on
Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were
shocked: 'We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?" –Jimmy Fallon
"A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So
you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his
climate change policy." –Jay Leno
"This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that
the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today,
Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare." –Jay Leno
"The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of
the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can
email them at USPS.com." –Jay Leno
"Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws,
making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what
the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our
debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?" –Jay Leno
"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New
Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one
involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien
"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he
discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate —
particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white
shark." –Conan O'Brien
"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor
of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great.
Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman
Feb. 5, 2013
"People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday
at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut
off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill." –Jay Leno
"A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to
order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that
crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding." –Conan
O'Brien
"Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a
parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be
charged the day rate." –Conan O'Brien
"The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most
highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney."
–David Letterman
"The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant
consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not
only that — it's also warning South Korea that it will face serious
consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios." –Jimmy Fallon
"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where
the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've
heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy
Fallon
Feb. 4, 2013
"Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republican say that New Jersey
Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. And Menendez is in big trouble
because as you know it is a felony to impersonate a Secret Service
agent." –Jay Leno
"A new study just came out and it reveals that straight me who watch
porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found
that straight men who don't watch porn are lying." –Conan O'Brien
"Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white
rice that is highly suspicious of the beans." –Stephen Colbert, on
Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP
"Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108
million people watching. This year's game added $430 million to the New
Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric
bill." –Jimmy Fallon
"The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of
the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not
knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened." –Jimmy Fallon
"The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because
normally I don't experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party."
–Jimmy Fallon
"A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don't worry. FEMA
said they will be there no later than Thursday." –David Letterman
"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most
of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien
"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the
first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, 'Flight's on us!
No problem. We've got everything covered.'" –Jay Leno
Feb. 1, 2013
"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward
an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if
Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill
Maher
"Fox News has their lowest ratings
in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility.
They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house
for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people
misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher
"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They
want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background
check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to
learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off
your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 –
gone." –Bill Maher
"I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider
the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries." –Bill Maher
"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's
been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He
denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his
pants." –Bill Maher
"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that
he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This
is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative."
–Bill Maher
"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at
Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not
heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing
would ease the Republican mind more than a
photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher
"This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call
it, February." –Bill Maher
"Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in
such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning
elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've
discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of
America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From
Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global
warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They
want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out
there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist
policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of
the world is coming." –Bill Maher
(Share
this joke on Facebook)
"Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national
anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald
Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is
not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing." –Jay
Leno
"I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a
marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this
is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about."
–Jay Leno
"Here's some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more
than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology.
Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those
researchers put it, 'Man, high school never ends, does it?'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he
is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says
he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have
him." –Jimmy Fallon
Jan. 31, 2013
"In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke
for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the
gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches." –Jay Leno
"A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a
path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that,
'a tunnel.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages.
The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama
nightmare." –Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day
after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a
long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day
off." –Jimmy Kimmel
"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over
the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert
Jon Stewart, skewering Obama's opponents with a Dr. Seuss-like poem,
"Oh, the People Who Hate You!":
"They do not like you Barack Obama,
Whether on a train a, plane, or llama.
They do not like you shooting skeet,
They do not like you eating meat.
They do not like you drinking beer,
or even if you roped a steer.
They won't like you with the monster trucks,
because, young man, they do not give a f**k.
They do not like you when you pray,
They did not like you anti-gay.
They do not like you cutting tax,
They could not stand when you wore your mommy slacks.
You cannot reach across the aisle,
'Cause everything you do is vile.
They complained when you killed Osama!
So on a train, a plane, or a llama,
Rolling a 44 at Bowl-O-Rama,
Despite your nice white Kansas mama,
comma,
they do not like you, Barack Obama.” (Share
this on Facebook)
Jan. 30, 2013
"Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has
only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said,
'Stop bragging!'" –Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new
immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for
speaking in English." –Jay Leno
"The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary
of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51
minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So
finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the
glass ceiling." –Jay Leno
"We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from
Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of
state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the
pants suit." –David Letterman
Jan. 29, 2013
"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country
is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't." –Jay Leno
"According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science,
people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times.
How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on
obesity is President Obama's economic policy." –Jay Leno
"'60 Minutes' anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday's interview with
President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn't have enough
time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if
the name of his show wasn't the amount of time he had." –Jimmy Fallon
"The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in
his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were
like, 'You know we're already citizens, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon
Jan. 28, 2013
"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana
Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.'
Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno
"Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on '60 Minutes'
for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both
showed up wearing the same suit." –Jimmy Fallon
"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned
to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible
news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy
Fallon
"If I seem a little woozy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those
Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses." –David Letterman
"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in
combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask
for directions." –David Letterman
"The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps
are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are
complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old
price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain
about a cent." –Jimmy Kimmel
"In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey
into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there
was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space." –Jimmy Kimmel
"A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe
Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as 'lucky.'"
–Conan O'Brien
"Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a
huge advancement in not letting women drive." –Conan O'Brien
"The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure
everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced
it by email." –Craig Ferguson
Jan. 25-26, 2013
"Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal.
Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti
Te’o said it sounded very real to him." –Bill
Maher, on Beyonce possibly
lip-syncing at the
Inauguration
"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and
you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA,
an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher
"The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve.
Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that
women will follow gay men anywhere." –Bill Maher
"New Rule: The media must give
President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016
presidential race. They’re already speculating about Biden and Hillary.
Come on, even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And
why is she America's sweetheart? She's 17 and she's gone out with more
men than Joan Crawford." –Bill Maher
"Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid
party.' Good luck with that. When
Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare
he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill
Maher
"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for
president, made a bet that his state would not
legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know
what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a
joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on
gay marriage." –Bill Maher
"New Jersey Governor
Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his
re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark
Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network
is raising money for the world's largest governor." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion.
Write a check and be done with the whole thing." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer
giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more
liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered
the crowd with birth control pills." –Seth
Meyers
“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s
historic 'I Have A Dream' speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of
my girlfriend’s 'I had the weirdest dream' speech. Guess which one was
longer.” –Seth Meyers
Jan. 24, 2013
"House
Speaker John Boehner said that
President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do
Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're
doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay
Leno
"Women can now serve on the front lines in combat. I believe up until
now, the only woman who had ever seen action under a general was of
course Paula Broadwell." –Jay Leno
"A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing.
One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined
with the stuffy room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma." –Jay
Leno
"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus
is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they
need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno
"The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is
that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent
treatment." –Conan
O'Brien
"North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the
United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific
Ocean." –Conan O'Brien
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was grilled by Congressmen about the
attack on Benghazi. Then out of habit she grilled them about where they
were last night, and who's this Megan?" –Conan O'Brien
Jan. 23, 2013
"There's a photo from the
Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be
checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was
checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the
national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a
recording of Beyonce." –Conan O'Brien
"Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at
President Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I
did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Arnold
Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his
age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel
of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If
Beyonce lip-synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If
so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry!" –Stephen
Colbert
"Joe
Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying
he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he
wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror." –Jay
Leno
Jan. 22, 2013
"I'm still reeling from yesterday's
inauguration disaster. First off, where was security? The Secret
Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the
middle of a kiss, they were viciously
photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo, Malia." –Stephen
Colbert
"Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them –
a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for
the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen
Colbert
"At the inaugural ball,
President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance
moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans." –Conan
O'Brien
"Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so
upset they're organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President
Reagan." –Conan O'Brien
"On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years
ago there were twice as many people at President Obama's first
inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago,
twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels." –Jay
Leno
"Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in
history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well,
sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie." –Jay Leno
"The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it
fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the
problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's
money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run
out of your own money." –Jay Leno
"The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent
sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that
Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office." –Jay Leno
"More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday,
and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first
lady's new haircut." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are
demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I
know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are
Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away
from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a
conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway
entitlements, humongous ears." –Jimmy Kimmel
Jan. 21, 2013
"Today's
inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word
gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where
Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ''Whoever designed
that thing must have been pretty gay.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George
Stephanopoulos gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman,
but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on
to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration."
–Conan O'Brien
"During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia
Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in
Afghanistan." –Conan O'Brien
"Vice
President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today.
Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing
whatever it is I do.'" –Conan O'Brien
"In his inaugural address, President Obama said America's possibilities
are limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out,
'That's what I used to think." –Conan O'Brien
"There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock." –Stephen
Colbert
Jan. 19, 2013
"It was reported that President Obama's
2013
Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in
2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a
shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea." –Seth
Meyers
"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures
to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though
I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power
since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers
"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's
Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show
anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers
"During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong
admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven
Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races,
he didn't even need a bike." –Seth Meyers
"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual
Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years."
–Seth Meyers
Jan. 17-18, 2013
"The
NRA made an ad saying that
Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that
crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA
accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You
need a mint.'" –Bill
Maher
"If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going
to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns." -–Bill Maher,
referring to the first lady's arm muscles
"Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He
said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know,
i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I
would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with
prayer." –Bill Maher
"I guess that's just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school." –Bill
Maher
"The best advertisement for torture is not Dick Cheney and people like
that who support it, it is Hollywood. At the Golden Globes, it's movies.
Ben Affleck won for playing a CIA officer, Claire Danes won for playing
a CIA officer, Jessica Chastain won for playing a CIA officer and of
course, Julianne Moore won for playing
Sarah Palin, a master of counter intelligence." –Bill Maher
"I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone
app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it,
'Download complete!' (Which is ALSO what he said after pooping his pants
at the White House.)" –Jimmy
Fallon
"Hey, this week was the season premiere of 'American Idol.' And this
year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want
to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don't
really want -- or as Republicans call that, 'the
Romney plan.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about
his own children more than he cares about other children. In response,
President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"Yesterday
Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-control initiative by
saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And
I never leave home without 'em.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old
today. She told a reporter she'd like a nice gift from Barack, but
nothing extravagant. Oh, don't worry. Obama is very responsible when
he's spending his own money." –Jay
Leno
"Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year
2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could
discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to
discover – an American flag!" –Craig
Ferguson
Jan. 16, 2013
"On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony
for President Obama.
Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-AT
ceremony for President Obama." –Jimmy
Fallon
"The beginning of the movie 'Lincoln' has been slightly changed to
explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, 'I
would have preferred a different ENDING.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama said this week that he wants to find a 'pathway for
citizenship' for immigrants in the United States. Don't we have that?
It's called the Rio Grande river." –Jay
Leno
"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of
South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if
those fish had guns." –Jay Leno
"Ann Romney, the wife of
Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on
'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called
'self-respect.'" –Jay Leno
"Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but
she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno
"The director of 'Zero Dark Thirty' has come out against torture. And
the director of 'Lincoln' has come out against going to the theater in
1865." –Conan
O'Brien
"It's reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is
tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually
how we got bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien
"An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his
job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three
years ahead of his time." –Conan O'Brien
Jan. 15, 2013
"President Obama's
inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to
honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home
state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans." –Jimmy
Fallon
"The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million
illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to
give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes." –Jimmy
Fallon
"Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the
White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to
make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students
are doing gooder." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because
the U.S. 'is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, 'By the
way, if China calls, I'm not here.'" –Conan
O'Brien
"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court
session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he
finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said'
joke ever." –Conan O'Brien
"Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean
one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O'Brien
"The White House has rejected an online petition to build a
planet-destroying
Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials
said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See,
the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is
with their economic policy." –Jay
Leno
Jan. 14, 2013
"Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and
Julianne Moore won for playing
Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge
for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican." –Jay
Leno
"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in
Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you
by the company you keep?" –Jay Leno
"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the
healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate
exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy
Fallon
"President Obama's
half-brother is running for political office in Kenya.
Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United
States." –Conan
O'Brien
"President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration
has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama
said, 'All right, fine, I am a Muslim." –Conan O'Brien
"The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie
Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel
Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, 'I'm going to need a
raise.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in
office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced
if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default
on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a
trillion-dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve – which is
how 'The Lord of the Rings' starts, isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame.
Wouldn't it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even?" –Jimmy
Kimmel
Jan. 11, 2013
"President Obama
will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how
screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?"
–Jay
Leno
"U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of
marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids
away from drugs – put them in vegetables." –Jay Leno
"Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS
combination?" –Jay Leno
"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do
serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they
think we do something.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has
ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio." –David
Letterman
"Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it
is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman
"The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and
corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the
Kardashian baby." –David Letterman
"Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced
the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million
surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear
that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of
months." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can
get a lot done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all
the time." –Jimmy Kimmel
Jan. 10, 2013
"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were
announced. 'Lincoln' leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first
– not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted
for a Republican president. That is amazing." –Jay
Leno
"The White House announced today that the theme for
President Obama's second inauguration will be 'Faith in America's
Future.' The idea is to get our minds off of America's present." –Jay
Leno
"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's
inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax,
Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating."
–Conan
O'Brien
"Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln'
received 12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for
best hat." –David
Letterman
"The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. 'Lincoln' earned the
most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for 'Lincoln.' I have a
feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, 'What is a
movie?'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in
his cabinet. Then Obama said, 'You guys know I'll be there, too,
right?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can
communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are
learning key phrases like, 'You are very handsome' and 'Nice to meet
you, Mr. Sheen.'" –Jimmy Fallon
Jan. 9, 2013
"The White House announced that the theme for
President Obama's inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.'
Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen 'Here Comes
Honey Boo Boo.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"President Obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give
at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you
know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million
dollars." –Jimmy Fallon
"Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy,
'1600 Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the
White House. Or as
Joe Biden put it, 'Why's everyone looking at me?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most
amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is
a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story
today,
Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own
business." –Conan
O'Brien
"Chris Christie said to his fork, 'Shut up or I'm going to switch to my
friend — spoon.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in
Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called 'Cinco
de Career-o.'" –Jay
Leno
"The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but
Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a
number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has
never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?" –Jay Leno
"Make no mistake -- they're coming for our
guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless!
Other than, you know, the guns." –Stephen
Colbert
"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the
kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays."
–Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools
Jan. 8, 2013
"A political opponent is accusing
Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response,
Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a
Dairy Queen Blizzard." –Conan
O'Brien
"According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice,
Nickelback, and
Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's
being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback." –Conan O'Brien
"We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says
that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a
prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin." –David
Letterman
"You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or
it will help you get a Kardashian." –David Letterman
"What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it.
The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the
warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film." –David Letterman
"To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two
pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey
Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship." –Jimmy
Fallon
Jon
Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the
guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it
is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from
addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address
30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this
country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the
rise of imaginary Hitler."
Jan. 7, 2013
"Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave
her a
helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been
asked to wear protection." –Conan
O'Brien
"Tickets to
President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what
the president is telling
Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien
"Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying
that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What
kind of a nut job is this guy?" –David
Letterman
"Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation
in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him
that Margaritaville isn't a real place." –Jimmy
Fallon
"Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes.
Didn't we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone
already? Who is running this, 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'?" –Jay
Leno
"What do you put on a trillion dollar coin? On the tail side obviously a
bald eagle breathing fire while making love to the American flag. What
is on the heads? Obama?
Boehner? I'll tell what you it should be, those Charmin bears –
because when you pull an idea like this out of your ass, you're going to
need something soft." –Stephen
Colbert
Jon
Stewart to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane
Sandy aid: "If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f**ked for the
next few years. And I’m not saying you're responsible for all the
problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder
to fix."
Jan. 2-4, 2013
"This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill,
which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to
do this right away – while there are still some rich Americans left."
–Jay Leno
"Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset
about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It's
their money." –Jay Leno
"Al Gore's Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500
million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by
approximately $500
million." –Jay Leno
"The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice
president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being
the tallest hobbit?" –Jay Leno
"John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty
amazing – a Republican winning anything these days." –Jay Leno
"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the
victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we
don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while
vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of
signing your name when you're not even there. Politicians can now raise
your taxes while they're on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat's
dream come true." –Jay Leno
"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing.
Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just
about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15
senators." –Jay Leno
"The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential
vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was
walking President Obama's dog, Bo." –Jay Lenoc
"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol.
After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women
said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can
accomplish just as little as male senators." –Jimmy Fallon
"While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress
spent New Year’s Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the
Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, 'Talk about a lame New
Year's.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Has anyone seen Al Gore's Current TV? I don't mean by mistake. I mean,
who's actually watched it? Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old
TV network, Current TV. So it's now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to
this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with
called 'global fleecing.'" –David Letterman
"Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore." –David Letterman
"Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They've got a new
show called 'Storage Jihad.' They have 'Project Burka.' And a show
called 'Real Virgins of Fallujah.'" –David Letterman
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
|