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Late-Night Political Jokes
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Latest Late-Night Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Aug. 19, 2015

"Today is Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasized her humble economic background. In the ad she says, 'Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house.'" –Conan O'Brien

'The beautiful Heidi Klum is on the show tonight. Donald Trump was actually quoted as saying that Heidi is 'no longer a 10.' Heidi said the comment didn't bother her, especially coming from someone who was never even a 4.' –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump recently said he won't eat Oreos anymore because the company that makes them moved to Mexico. Then Chris Christie said, 'Does that mean I can start dipping them in salsa?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop." –Jimmy Fallon

"Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They're saying, 'Wow, 14 states. That's more than half of the states.'" –James Corden

"The FDA has approved a prescription pill to enhance a woman's sex drive. Addyi has been nicknamed 'pink Viagra.' It's interesting how it actually works. You don't take it yourself. You give the pill to your husband and it makes him do the dishes, and then you have sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you're in a relationship with a man who has to take a pill and you're a woman who has to take one to get interested, maybe you should just watch TV instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new CNN poll shows that Donald Trump is within six points of Hillary Clinton. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman over 40." –Seth Meyers

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Aug. 18, 2015

"Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Jeb Bush saw a 6 percent drop in support after the first debate, but experts say he still has a shot because he's 'likable' and 'qualified.' Then Donald Trump said, 'Weird, the opposite is working for me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is worried about Joe Biden's potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn't have the right outcome. That's right, they think he might win." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: 'Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine." –Conan O'Brien

"Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that it would be very easy to round up all undocumented immigrants. But remember, this is the guy who couldn't even round up real celebrities." –Seth Meyers

"A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it." –Seth Meyers

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Aug. 17, 2015

"There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you're consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump was photographed at the Iowa State Fair eating a pork chop on a stick. That's what I love about America. You can fly on a private jet and eat at five-star restaurants. But if you want to be president, when they hand you a pork chop on a stick in Iowa, you have to eat it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They're now building a wall on the border." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump's new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, 'It's nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.'" –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said today that Hillary Clinton's arrogance is 'breathtaking.' Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs." –Seth Meyers

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Aug. 13-14, 2015

"According to a new report, the word that Donald Trump said most often in last week's debate was 'I'm.' The word he says the least: 'Sorry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rand Paul recently told reporters that his campaign is going to focus on taking down Donald Trump. Then Trump said, 'I've tried it myself. It doesn't work.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea has declared its own time zone that they are calling 'Pyongyang Time,' and set their clocks back half an hour. So if it's say, 11:40 here now in New York, in North Korea it's still 1925." –Jimmy Fallon

"Despite all of his sexist comments, 20 percent of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, 'Because he's paying us alimony.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday where he accused Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton of being under the control of lobbyists, special interests, and deep-pocketed donors. Trump says we should vote for him because he's not under control at all." –Seth Meyers

"Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, 'OK, cut him down.'" –Seth Meyers

Aug. 12, 2015

"Bernie Sanders is polling at 44 percent among Democrats in New Hampshire and has passed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic front-runner. And in another new poll, zero percent of Hillary's staffers wanted to be the one to bring her that news." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials investigating Hillary's email scandal found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information labeled 'Top Secret.' That was pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you want to hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled 'Tax Stuff 2008.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things might be slowing down a bit for Donald Trump. He recently dropped nine points in some of the latest polls. When he heard that, Trump said, 'Oh no. Was it everything I said?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname 'tortoise' because he's making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders is now leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire. He's seven points ahead. So forget those emails from when she was secretary of state. I want to see the emails Hillary sent out this morning." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, 'When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bernie Sanders has now passed Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls. It's the first time anyone's ever been passed by a guy in a Prius." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said in a new interview that he believes his performance in the polls shows that he has not crossed the line of appropriateness. You can read the entire interview in this month's issue of Juggs magazine." –Seth Meyers

Aug. 11, 2015

"Hillary Clinton has a $350 billion plan that she says will make college more affordable. Which has to be better than my parents' plan to make college affordable: 'Be good at sports.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million. Which means that if she wins any of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor." –Jimmy Fallon

"What's really interesting is that this million-dollar donation from an anonymous donor came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, quote, 'the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money' into campaigns. Then she said, 'Starting now! Unaccountable money is awful. Cash it quick!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive because it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet." –Jimmy Fallon

"Liberal Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot." –Conan O"Brien

"A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, 'Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?'" –Conan O"Brien

"Donald Trump said today that he has made up with Fox News over his controversial comments toward Megyn Kelly. And if there's anything Trump and Fox are great at, it's making things up."-Seth Meyers

"Bristol Palin announced on her blog today that she is supporting Donald Trump for president. She said she wasn't planning to but it just kind of happened."-Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton pushed back against Donald Trump's claim that she went to his wedding because of his donations and said she actually attended because she thought, 'It'd be fun.' Added Hillary, 'Am I saying that right — Fun?'" –Seth Meyers

Aug. 10, 2015

"After being accused of making sexist comments about Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump went on CNN yesterday and said, 'I cherish women. I want to help women.' Then Hillary said, 'Well, you're really helping THIS woman.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, 'Quitting!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the earlier debate, Rick Perry said that if he were elected he would 'tear up' the nuclear agreement with Iran. Then Obama had it laminated just to mess with him." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: 'To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien

"For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's top strategist has stepped down after Trump seemed to imply last week that Megyn Kelly was menstruating during the debate. Even more shocking, Donald Trump has had a campaign strategist this entire time." –Seth Meyers

"Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it's Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee." –Seth Meyers

Aug. 7, 2015

"One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor." –Jimmy Fallon

"A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like 'Feel the Bern.' They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says 'Feel the Chafee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 6, 2015

"Tonight is the first Republican debate over on Fox News. The moderator, Chris Wallace, said there's 'so doggone many' candidates, and that he planned on asking them some 'doozies.' He would've said more but he had to go back to the soda shop he works at in 1954." –Jimmy Fallon

"The big Republican debate is tonight. Everyone is curious what Donald Trump's going to do, right? Political analysts say Trump's game plan is to wing it and see what happens. It's the same game plan used by his barber." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he'll call them criminal Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the first Republican primary debate. If you missed it, just imagine your uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, and then multiply by 10." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported this week that scientists are looking to reduce greenhouse gasses by limiting flatulence from cows. The way it works is, they're gonna send all the cows on a bunch of first dates." –Seth Meyers

Aug. 3, 2015

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun." –Jimmy Fallon

"After Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham's personal phone number a couple of weeks ago, the website Gawker gave out Trump's personal cellphone number. Which backfired when Trump just speed-insulted everyone who called him: Loser. Moron. Idiot. Loser." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush's campaign and the super PACs supporting him have raised more than $120 million so far. In fact, Jeb's campaign was this weekend's second highest grossing 'Mission: Impossible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie, John Kasich, and Rick Perry are currently fighting for the final two spots in Thursday's Republican debate. It's going to be tough – Chris Christie really wants those two spots." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is still leading the Republican polls, with support from 19 percent of voters. Of course, it's only a matter of time before Trump slips up and says something completely sane." –Seth Meyers

July 31, 2015

"It seems like everybody's weighing in on Trumps campaign - even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. He said that Trump is 'probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time.' Then Trump was like, 'Well, at least one Cuban loves me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush participated in his first Spanish-language interview with Telemundo this week, where he said he's more optimistic than the other candidates. And you can tell he's optimistic, cuz he thinks speaking in Spanish will help him with REPUBLICANS." –Jimmy Fallon

July 30, 2015

"We're in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker's personal phone number." –Jimmy Fallon
"Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will 'ride into the sunset.' And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she's gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to 17. Here's how I know that's too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I'd be like, 'NOPE! I'll hold it until 2020.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This isn't good. Democratic Congressman Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania could face up to 100 years in jail, after he was charged with several counts of corruption. Which would explain Chaka's new name: Chaka Con." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is still leading all Republican candidates for president. A new Quinnipiac University poll, which of all the major polls is the hardest to say, has Donald Trump ahead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While Donald Trump leads the Republican field by a wide margin right now, he seems to be unelectable. The same poll shows him losing to Hillary Clinton by 12 points. Losing to Joe Biden by 12 points. Losing by 8 points to Bernie Sanders. He's 5 points behind Bill Cosby." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You hear less about Hillary Clinton, she's not giving a lot of interviews because I think she's looking at everyone else who's running for president, and she's thinking, 'If I keep my mouth shut, I think I've got this thing.'" –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton revealed today she thinks her biggest weakness is her impatience. Said the interviewer, 'Mrs. Clinton, I haven't asked you anything yet.'"–Seth Meyers

"Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president." –Seth Meyers

July 29, 2015

"It seems like every day, another candidate comes out of the woodwork. In fact this week, a man from Iowa whose actual legal name is Deez Nuts, announced that he is running for president. Then Americans looked at the other candidates and said, 'He can't be worse than DOZE nuts.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump — there are still 15 months to go in this election, he was all over the news again today. He's on everything all the time. I don't know how he's going to keep up this pace. Donald Trump has reached a saturation level that is nothing short of Kardashian-esque." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said yesterday that he would love to have Sarah Palin in his administration because she is somebody who knows what's happening. Said Sarah Palin, 'Trump's running for president? When did that happen?'" –Seth Meyers

"Chris Christie said yesterday if he's elected, he'll fight against legalized marijuana, so Colorado and Washington residents had better, quote, 'Smoke that pot now.' Colorado and Washington residents said, 'OK. That was the plan all along. Are you guys trying to trick us? Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. You're eating doughnuts.'" –Seth Meyers

July 28, 2015

"I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he's selling it now, Trump said 'Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I'm selling, so why not strike while the iron's hot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Three of Donald Trump's kids have come forward to defend him, and called him 'an incredible dad and role model.' Donald was so moved that he wrote one of them back into his will. 'I'm not gonna tell you which one . . . it's Donald Jr.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book 'The Art of the Deal,' and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, 'It worked for us — you guys got screwed!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced they're withdrawing Boston's bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games. We have not been able to get a majority of the citizens of Boston to support hosting the 2024 Olympic Games. The only thing they support is throwing beer bottles at Yankees fans." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The USOC has to come up with another city from the United States to bid against Paris, Rome, and Toronto, and most people think that city will be Los Angeles — which is exciting. The summer Olympics could bring some much-needed traffic to the L.A. area." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner." –Seth Meyers

July 27, 2015

"Tom Cruise is here to promote the new 'Mission: Impossible' movie, which I believe is all about Donald Trump's PR team." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton 'easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.' When asked what he based that on, Trump said, 'I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie's favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie's prom fantasy in high school. 'Want to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Time magazine interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign, and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Then Hillary was like, 'Yeah. That wasn't me.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"According to multiple new polls, Donald Trump is still leading the field of Republican candidates for president, which I have to say is all going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A CNN poll has Trump with 18 percent, ahead of Jeb Bush in second place with 15 percent. This is how we do things now. We find our spouses on 'The Bachelorette' and our presidents on 'The Apprentice.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said this weekend that he is self-financing his campaign and is not beholden to donors and special interests. Or other nations. Or his party. Or the wealthy, or middle class, poor people, citizens or voters, humans, plants, animals…" –Seth Meyers

"New York Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced a new plan to improve LaGuardia Airport. That's right, they're going to burn it down." –Seth Meyers

July 24, 2015

"Donald Trump has been all over the news this week, but he's still struggling to be seen as a legitimate candidate by Republicans. In fact, now Trump is threatening to start campaigning as a third-party candidate if the Republican Party doesn't become more supportive. Of course, a lot of Republicans say you need to give respect to get respect. To which Trump says, 'Whatever, LOSERS!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a 'phantom candidate' that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, 'Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. 'Hillary Clinton? She's a cop?'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 23, 2015

"Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, 'Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FEC released Donald Trump's financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The bad news is, the books aren't selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he's got something to build that Mexican fence with! 'It's a very classy book-fence!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he's never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It's what gets him through long meetings!)" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels. "–Jimmy Fallon

"Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of 'demagoguery,' and said that he must be 'excised and discarded.' So one thing is clear: somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar." –Seth Meyers

"Sources say the Obama administration is in the 'final stages' of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it's gonna work is, they're going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course." –Jimmy Fallon

July 22, 2015

"A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it, 'You forgot very rich ... I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, 'New phone, who dis?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump's children released a statement this week calling their father a 'true visionary and a great mentor.' And Trump released a statement calling his kids 'suck-ups' and 'not the best.'" –Seth Meyer

July 21, 2015

"Donald Trump's not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn't need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would've responded but he was busy drafting his new 'mandatory Mexican gay weed' bill." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced 'The Godfather' and said his nickname used to be 'Veto Corleone' because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you're the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn't bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Washington Post/ABC poll shows Donald Trump leading the pack of Republican presidential contenders. They must be polling the same people who voted for Sanjaya on 'American Idol.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I've never seen anything like this. Giving phone numbers out, it's like Trump's running for president of a sorority or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone number aloud on live TV. It's the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that." –Seth Meyers

"Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer." –Seth Meyers

"The White House is making a special Twitter account to answer questions about the new nuclear agreement. Finally using Twitter for what it was designed for — explaining complex, international nuclear agreements involving several nations." –Seth Meyers

July 20, 2015

"Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, 'I like people that weren't captured.' Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, 'And that's coming from ME!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Perry actually said Trump is a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense who is unfit to be president. Then Perry took off his glasses and said, 'Whoa! I think these things are magic!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on 'Celebrity Apprentice' between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump had a very good reason for not fighting in the Vietnam War. He had student deferments and a medical deferment because of his feet. He had a bone spur." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe we should enter Donald Trump in a surf competition. Even if he doesn't get eaten by a shark it would be worth it to see him with his hair wet, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry said this weekend that he believes Boy Scouts would be 'better off if they didn't have openly gay scoutmasters.' Man, between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don't want gays tying the knot." –Seth Meyers

July 17, 2015

"Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show 'Celebrity Apprentice,' where he just FIRED the crazies." –Jimmy Fallon

"MSNBC host Lawrence O'Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his 'Apprentice' series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump's claim, saying, 'We don't have $20 million. We're NBC.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen." –Jimmy Fallon

July 16, 2015

"Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump's winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over on the Democratic side, Martin O'Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn't running for president to be quote, 'wined and dined' by executives. Then Chris Christie said, 'And I am also not running to be wined.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new poll of Democratic voters, presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee came in with zero percent support. Or in other words: We're all tied with presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said 'Hey, she stole my speech.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama today became the first sitting U.S. president to visit a federal prison. And for a brief moment, there was some real excitement over at Fox News." –Seth Meyers

July 15, 2015

"Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he's made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20." –Jimmy Fallon

"Shepard Fairey, the street artist responsible for President Obama's 'Hope' poster, is now facing vandalism charges in Detroit. It's pretty serious. Detroit officials say the artist's spray paint caused over $9,000 worth of improvements." –Jimmy Fallon

"With more and more states legalizing marijuana, companies are lining up to create the first marijuana breathalyzer. Officials say the toughest part is getting stoners to stop trying to inhale off the breathalyzer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office." –Conan O'Brien

"After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over 'Celebrity Apprentice.' So Trump's greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job." –Seth Meyers

"Now that some economic sanctions are being lifted, Iranian citizens are apparently clamoring for Western products like iPhones. We should have just sent them iPhones in the first place. Then they'd never get any work done on a nuclear weapon." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama said yesterday that education is the key to reducing the prison population. Though apparently power tools also work." –Seth Meyer

July 14, 2015

"It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, 'That's great! Wait, WHAT?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The president of Iran prematurely announced the nuclear deal on Twitter yesterday before it was official. Which isn't that big a deal until you realize the guy who almost had nukes is known for accidentally hitting 'Send.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama announced that he is commuting the sentences of 46 prisoners, most of whom committed nonviolent crimes. Then those 46 convicts said, 'Actually we already escaped. Thanks for thinking of us, though.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They're drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That's how excited they are." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious." –Conan O'Brien

"Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 55 percent of Americans do not trust that Iran will abide by the terms of the nuclear deal. It's the same 55 percent who are running for the Republican nomination." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he'll just leave us for a younger country." –Seth Meyers

"A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely." –Seth Meyers

July 13, 2015

"Today Scott Walker announced that he is running for president, making him the 15th Republican candidate to enter the race. Which I think means we get the 16th one for free. I've got a punch card." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scott Walker's campaign slogan is 'Reform. Growth. Safety.' Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: 'Mexico. Money. Crazy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best." –Conan O'Brien

"The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It's historic — the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico." –Seth Meyers

"One of the contestants during last night's Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, 'They make $10 bills?'" –Seth Meyer

June 17, 2015

"Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' This is from the man who coined the catch phrase 'You're fired.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who said she is black, claimed there's no biological proof that she's white. However, today that was disproven by scientists who foundd wine cooler in her bloodstream." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country — specifically for my job here at this show." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio – a claim that was recently disproven by wind." –Seth Meyers

June 16, 2015

"Jeb Bush is here tonight, fresh off his announcement that he's running for president. We were also going to have Donald Trump as well, but last time we checked he was still giving his speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of 'Celebrity Apprentice' will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job." –Conan O'Brien

"Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen — because he's shouting. You have no choice but to listen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump said, 'The American dream is dead.' All right, well, it's not exactly 'Hope and change,' but it's a slogan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP." –Seth Meyers

"Former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said today that she doesn't think of herself as a con artist. Of course, she also doesn't think of herself as a white lady, but she is." –Seth Meyers

June 15, 2015

"What a game last night. The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals. The next time you'll see someone fighting this hard for Ohio won't be until next year's presidential election." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is taking his presidential campaign on a tour of Europe. He's telling Europeans, 'I like you guys because you're comfortable having the same family in charge for centuries.'" –Conan O"Brien

"Hillary Clinton has joined Instagram. Meanwhile, her Democratic opponent Bernie Sanders joined telegram." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton joined Instagram this afternoon and somehow she's already deleted thousands of photos." –Seth Meyers

June 9, 2015

"During a recent speech, Mike Huckabee said he is the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. 'You sure about that?' said President Barack Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mike Huckabee said he's the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who's the only person who fought a fax machine and lost." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said that despite any conflicts the West has no need to be afraid of Russia. Although keep in mind that Putin said that as he was petting a tank." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It's always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham, who is single, said today that if elected he will have a 'rotating first lady.' Even creepier, he said it on Tinder." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That's too bad. I was hoping he would run." –Seth Meyers

June 8, 2015

"We have a historic drought going on now in this state. Due to the drought, California Governor Jerry Brown said he has cut back on bathing. As a result, Californians have cut back on hanging out with Jerry Brown." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said every American should be able to afford to attend one of her speeches." –Conan O'Brien

"A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"At a summit this weekend, President Obama accidentally missed a high five from the prime minister of Iraq. Pretty embarrassing, but not as bad as the time George W. Bush left Saddam hanging." –Seth Meyers

"The biggest blockbuster of the summer is coming out, and it stars Barack Obama. It's a Disney picture called 'Honey, I Shrunk the Economy.'" –Seth Meyers

June 5, 2015

"Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he's running for president. Before he announced he's running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, 'Don't vote for me.' Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads." –Jimmy Fallon

June 4, 2015

"Former governor of Rhode Island Lincoln Chafee is challenging Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. During his announcement, he said, 'I realize I'm not that well known, don't have a ton of support, I'm limited on funds, and . . . why am I doing this again?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During his announcement, Chafee said it would help our economy if we embraced the metric system. Finally answering the question: What is the world's worst campaign slogan?" –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

"Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer." –Conan O'Brien

"We have a new Republican candidate for president who also happens to be an old Republican candidate for president, former Texas Governor Rick Perry. He's at it again, and why not? There are only so many coyotes you can shoot on your ranch. What else does he have to do?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican presidential race has more characters than 'Game of Thrones.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you seen Kim Jong Un lately? There are photos of him and he has put on pounds. According to sources, Kim Jong Un has been emotionally eating since Dennis Rodman was spotted on a date with another dictator." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee announced his run for president yesterday. And he said he wants the U.S. to switch to the metric system. OK, you know what? I will start — Lincoln Chafee won't get within a kilometer of the White House. He's several hectares away." –Seth Meyers

"IKEA, the world's largest furniture retailer, pledged over $1 billion earlier today to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it's probably going to take forever to put the money together." –Seth Meyers

June 2-3, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by 'Spider-Man' star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves." –Jimmy Fallon

"In the world of soccer, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced he's resigning only four days after he was re-elected. Now Sepp Blatter will go back to sounding like a disease you look up on WebMD." –Jimmy Fallon

"The 79-year-old FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, will resign less than a week after the organization was rocked by a corruption scandal. But if you only learned one thing from all this, it's that you can never trust a 79-year-old Blatter." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it's free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it's $100,000 to get out." –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies." –Conan O'Brien

"In the world of soccer, after the arrest of numerous other officials, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced his resignation this afternoon. Sepp Blatter doesn't sound like the name of a guy who's stepping down. It sounds like the reason." –Seth Meyers

"Senator Lindsey Graham announced that he's running for president because, you know, you want 50 people to run for president." –Seth Meyers

"If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he'd also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony." –Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz said he thinks John F. Kennedy would be a Republican if he were alive today. Well, of course he would be Republican. He'd be 98 years old." –Seth Meyers

June 1, 2015

"During a speech in Iowa this weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they 'can't have it all.' Billionaires would've responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There's massive corruption, a massive scandal, in international soccer. The first clue was when a soccer team scored a suspiciously high three goals in one game." –Conan O'Brien

"In Michigan, the world's oldest person recently turned 116. When the president called to congratulate her, she said, 'Tell McKinley I'm busy.'" –Conan O'Brien

May 21, 2015

"This week presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders made around $2,000 last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the $25 million the Clintons made. Making him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates." –Conan O'Brien

"The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, 'Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was surprised to hear this. Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans." –Seth Meyers

"Chelsea Clinton has written a children's book titled “It’s Your World: Get Informed, Get Inspired & Get Going.” It’s a great book to read to your workaholic toddler." –Seth Meyers

May 20, 2015

"I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter." –David Letterman

"When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'" –David Letterman

"Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'" –David Letterman

"My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers." –David Letterman

"I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman." –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone else.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"In about 34 minutes David Letterman is going to air his last episode. In 1993, I took over his iconic late-night show. I was a complete unknown with no experience performing on TV. I was totally unprepared for that enormous job. I don't think that could happen today. I don't think the government would allow it. I was in way over my head, and with my hair that's saying something." –Conan O'Brien

"After four dreary months, out of the blue we got a message that David Letterman wanted to come on as a guest. Dave was the biggest thing on TV. He didn't go on other people's shows. It was like The Beatles asking Maury Povich if they could stop by and sing a couple of tunes." –Conan O'Brien

"I have no illusions anyone is watching me this evening. But if there happen to be a few of you out there, I'm going to let you know the exact moment when Dave's show is starting, and I'd like you to switch over. I may be talking to seven viewers at that time, but I really think you should do it." –Conan O'Brien

"We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there'll be almost enough seats for all the candidates." –Seth Meyers

May 19, 2015

"Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day." –David Letterman

"A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. " –David Letterman

"Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters say that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, because it would be rude to say 'anyone but Donald Trump.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is trying to get the young vote. She's doing her best to win over millennials. Hillary's telling millennials if all goes well, she too plans to move back into the home where she lived in the 1990s." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that knowing what we know now, he would not have invaded Iraq. Mostly because 'what we know now' is that Rick Perry will never be president." –Seth Meyers

"A new survey came out and Washington, D.C., has been named the fittest city in the country. And it makes sense. Just think of all of the exercise they get running for re-election, walking back statements, dodging questions, and jumping to conclusions. That's all cardio." –Seth Meyers

May 18, 2015

"George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. … This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters." –Conan O'Brien

"I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear. " –David Letterman

"Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy." –David Letterman

"Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Tonight I will be talking with Tom Hanks. Next week I'll be at the post office talking with the clerk." –David Letterman

"President Obama joined Twitter today with a tweet that began 'Hello, Twitter!' His bio says, 'Dad, husband, and president of the United States.' He didn't have to say 'Dad.' We got that when he tweeted 'Hello, Twitter!'" –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their healthcare than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can't afford healthcare, just buy yourself an Apple Watch." –Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin reportedly scored eight goals during a hockey game in Sochi this weekend. And the goalie only had one save: his own life." –Seth Meyers

May 15, 2015

"It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy's Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy's Country Ham House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to 'life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former New York Governor George Pataki may enter the race for president. It's not definite, but he tweeted that he'll announce his 2016 plans on May 28 in New Hampshire. Well, what's he gonna do, go to New Hampshire to say he's NOT running? That's like getting down on one knee and saying, 'I think it's time to see other people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like." –David Letterman

"I already have an idea. I'm going to start a line of salad dressing, and it will be just like Paul Newman's salad dressing but instead of the profits going to charity the way Paul Newman's profits go to charity, my profits won't." –David Letterman

May 14, 2015

"By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her. " –David Letterman

"George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint." –David Letterman

"I got a call today from a guy I have never heard of before, and he said, 'Hi, Dave, it's Bob. I'm with CBS. Look, the day after you guys leave the theater we're going to send a team in there to take care of the asbestos. –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's younger brother Tony is facing criticism for using the Clintons' political connections to help his career. So on the down side, she has a sketchy brother named Tony. On the up side, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out Hillary's brother could damage her campaign. But then Jeb Bush said, 'I think we all get a pass on who our brothers are.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow, Mitt Romney will have a boxing match with Evander Holyfield for charity. And I suspect that's what Romney will be yelling the whole time. 'For charity, Evander!'" –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney will box Evander Holyfield tomorrow. So finally, someone can honestly say 'Mitt, I think you should run.'" –Seth Meyers

May 13, 2015

"Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to 'be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.' And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Senate Democrats blocked President Obama's trade bill yesterday because they're worried it could hurt jobs. It's not an issue for Republicans, since they've all found work as presidential candidates." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants." –David Letterman

"I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs." –David Letterman

"Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host 'The Apprentice.' His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Things like that make me glad I live in America -- where our political figures are free to fall asleep wherever they want." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Jong Un -- it's really Catch-22 with him. If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 11-12, 2015

"In celebration of Mother's Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, 'Thanks, Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy Mother's Day. Yesterday, President Obama personally called three mothers who had written him letters recently. Man, do I feel sorry for any of their kids who forgot to call." –Seth Meyers

"The mother would say, 'Oh, you didn't have time to call. Do you know who did have time? The president — of the United States of America — yeah, that president. So no, flowers on Wednesday does not make it OK.'" –Seth Meyers

"The White House is testing out new spikes that would make it difficult to jump the fence. So if you're wondering what kind of cutting-edge technology the Secret Service is using to protect the president, it's spikes. I think someone saw an episode of 'Game of Thrones.'" –Seth Meyers

"Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house." –David Letterman

May 7-8, 2015

"People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, 'Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to 'Dude, ranches.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, 'Actually I just made that poll up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Apparently there are incriminating texts and emails about what they call deflate-gate. Earlier today Hillary Clinton announced that she would be happy to delete them." –David Letterman

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

May 6, 2015

"Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, 'You know what, we're good. We're gonna head back now. We had enough.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." –Conan O'Brien

"The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice." –David Letterman

"Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno." –David Letterman

May 4-5, 2015

"Bernie Sanders' presidential campaign announced that it raised over $1.5 million in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised $7 million in five minutes after announcing his idea for juice box water guns." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought 'CarlyFiorina.org' and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, 'Thanks, Bo Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole." –David Letterman

April 30-May 1, 2015

"Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, 'Good luck with the reboot of your '90s show.' And they said, 'Thanks. Good luck with yours.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, 'Looking good, Un.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president." –David Letterman

"This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale." –David Letterman

"The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me." –David Letterman

"I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet." –David Letterman

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you can." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 29, 2015

"Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton gave a speech at Columbia University this afternoon. She ended it the way Clintons always end their speeches, by saying, 'That'll be $200,000.'" –Seth Meyers

"It was such a nice day today that President Obama left the White House and went for a walk around the neighborhood. Even more amazing, THIS is the first the Secret Service is hearing about it." –Seth Meyers

April 28, 2015

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, 'Why didn't you just say that in a speech?' and she said, 'Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn't have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow's game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, 'You get used to it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him." –David Letterman

April 27, 2015

"In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC's Diane Sawyer, 'For all intents and purposes, I'm a woman.' At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii." –Jimmy Fallon

"The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

"Jenner also identified himself as a conservative Republican. He said he believes that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will support him and advocate for transgender issues. Yeah, of course they will. They're probably having the buttons printed as we speak." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 23-34, 2015

"At the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked first lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Michelle answered, 'Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You'd think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, 'We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out." –David Letterman

"Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?" –David Letterman

"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" –David Letterman

April 22, 2015

"Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day." –Jimmy Fallon

"Shouldn't every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons." –David Letterman

"Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

"The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Earth Day. So this year I'm finally gonna do it. I'm gonna find out what the blue trash cans are for." –Seth Meyers

"The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you'll finally be able to say to a police officer, 'No, no, this is just weed.'" Seth Meyers

"There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea's highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain." –Jimmy Fallon

"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day." –Seth Meyers

April 20-21, 2015

"Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn." –David Letterman

"Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg." –David Letterman

"In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many people suddenly trying to jump the White House fence? Is this the new ice bucket challenge or something?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Because of all the jumpers, they are thinking of putting steel spikes on top of the fence, which is crazy. The White House fence doesn't already have spikes? Garbage dumps have spikes on the fence. There are abandoned Blockbuster video store fences that have spikes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren't releasing the fence jumper's identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit." –Seth Meyers

April 16-17, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'" –David Letterman

"Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying — because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening." –David Letterman

"The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'" –David Letterman

April 16, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair." –Conan O'Brien

"Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can't write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that's not going to happen." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life." –David Letterman

"Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit." –David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 57 percent of the people believe Hillary Clinton will be the next president. Now 43 percent of the people in that poll believe Hillary Clinton is already president. –David Letterman

April 15, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, 'Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good." – Conan O'Brien

"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person." –David Letterman

"Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit. " –David Letterman

"Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience." –David Letterman

"The IRS specifically selected April 15 as tax day. They knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A study says that traffic fatalities go up 6 percent on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. If you are just realizing it is tax day, don't worry about it. The IRS is pretty cool about this stuff." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you've been overpaying all year long. It's like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, 'Oh, presents.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 14, 2015

"Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain." –Conan O'Brien

"Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048." –Conan O'Brien

"It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?" –David Letterman

"The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?" –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me." –David Letterman

"Have we all decided who we're going to vote for president yet? You know you only have 574 days left to figure it out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton announced that she is running. Then she drove from New York to Iowa in a van. You can't be president of the United States unless you agree to eat a corn dog in front of a small group of farmers." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 13, 2015

Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She's going to join the all-female cast of 'Ghost Busters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history." –Conan O'Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die." –Conan O'Brien

"It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss." –David Letterman

April 9, 2015

"Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, 'Hillary's going to do great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"When he was asked about Hillary's candidacy, Obama said, 'If she's her wonderful self, I'm sure she'll do great.' He added, 'If she's her other self, watch out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say 'I'm ridin' with Biden.' It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using — 'I'm hidin' from Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

April 8, 2015

"Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner." –Jimmy Fallon

"John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, 'Why is he talking to that mannequin?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"John McCain responded to critics who say he's too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain." –Jimmy Fallon

"The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads." –Conan O'Brien

"Election season is heating up. We're starting to hear who's running for president in 2016. Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 campaign sometime in the next two weeks. So remember, act surprised." –Seth Meyers

"A new poll in Cuba shows that President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. Then again, so is putting your whole family on a raft in the middle of
the night." –Seth Meyers

April 7, 2015

"Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex." –Jimmy Fallon

"A massive power outage in Washington, D.C., today affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, '2016?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up." –Conan O'Brien

"The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new become coming out that slams president Obama. You can buy the book from Amazon or download the version directly from Cheney's heart." –Conan O'Brien

"Rand Paul announced he is running for president and bloggers pointed out that his campaign symbol, a small flame, looks nearly identical to the logo for the dating app Tinder. It's appropriate because in either case you have no idea what you're getting into and it probably won't work out." –Seth Meyers

"British Prime Minister David Cameron is facing criticism from working-class voters after he was caught on camera today eating a hot dog with a knife and fork. And he got criticism from wealthy voters because he used a hamburger fork." –Seth Meyers

April 6, 2015

"President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect — telling people, 'Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church's president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with — Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn't wait to hear his suggestions." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent." –Conan O'Brien

"According to The New York Times, Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. While Hillary Clinton identified herself as 'President.'" –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic, so I guess it's actually pronounced 'Yeb Bush.'" –Seth Meyers

April 2-3, 2015

"After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, 'But just for Lent. We'll start again on Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton's friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she's nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American." –Jimmy Fallon

"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"We actually had to tape earlier than usual today. Not because of the first lady's schedule, but so the Secret Service could make it to happy hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, 'OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails." –David Letterman

"Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents." –David Letterman

April 1, 2015

"President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes — eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said 'Thanks Obama' but actually meant it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, 'April Fools.' It wasn't his best joke." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'" –David Letterman

"In Indiana, state legislators played a hilarious April Fools' prank on gays and lesbians. They convinced them they'd passed a law that would let businesses discriminate against them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You've all heard about the Indiana religious freedom law? Some people think it's anti-gay. Well, presidential hopefuls Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have all come out in favor of the new law. Well, I guess I shouldn't say 'come out.'" –Seth Meyers

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