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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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See Also: Late-Night Jokes About Sarah Palin's Book

Nov. 20-21, 2009

"Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people." –Seth Meyers

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'" –Seth Meyers

"To help pay for the health care plan, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh, sure, I guess it is easy to tax plastic surgery when you already have movie star good looks [on screen: a photo of Reid]." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported Monday that food summit, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short -- he's a Catholic now." –Seth Meyers

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

J"This has been quite a week for Sarah Palin. She's been everywhere promoting her new book. She was on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' ABC 'World News,' 'Nightline,' Barbara Walters. Not to be outdone, next week, John McCain will be the guest corpse on 'CSI.'" –Jay Leno

"Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him." –Jay Leno

"The alleged 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is gonna be tried in New York City after all, it looks like. A lot of people saying this is too dangerous. And, of course, the big fear, he could escape by disappearing into a sea of cab drivers." –Jay Leno

"This week, Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan's traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest." –Jay Leno

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she's in the mood" –Jay Leno

"Oprah Winfrey announced she's quitting her show. Oprah's quitting. No, crazy. Yeah. This is the crazy thing. Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. That's what she said. Yeah, Oprah said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she's praying to." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. That's what the poll said. Yeah. Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs' focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. Yeah, and just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos." –Conan O'Brien

"On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

"Big night at the movies yesterday, 'New Moon' made a record $26.3 million at a midnight screening. Wow. In fact, earlier today, President Obama announced his new stimulus plan, it's called 'Twilight 3.' He's going to give that a shot." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Palin 2012 Movie Trailer
Al Gore on SNL: "I'm Going to Start Acting Crazy"
Highlight Reel of Jokes About Sarah Palin's Book

Nov. 19, 2009

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig." –David Letterman

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be." –David Letterman

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule." –David Letterman

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter." –David Letterman

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!" –David Letterman

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup." –David Letterman

"President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It's so exciting. That means we're close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden's 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn't blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out." –Jimmy Fallon

"One week 'til Thanksgiving. Very excited about that. Back in Washington, our congressional leaders all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. I read today Nancy Pelosi already taking her turkey in to have its neck tightened up." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it lost $3.8 billion this year. Here's the worst part. You know how they lost it? In the mail." –Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, 'I have never labeled myself as a politician.' At least that's what I think he said. Either that or, 'I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has lifted his ban on doing interviews with Fox News. Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, 'How do you think you're doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus ten?" –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, President Obama was in South Korea today, discussing what to do about Iran's nuclear ambitions. And he said he plans to, quote, 'indicate our seriousness to Iran.' Obama plans to indicate our seriousness by having our next message to Iran read aloud by James Earl Jones." –Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country's first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, Kellogg's announced that due to a problem at the factory this year, there's going to be a nationwide shortage of Eggo waffles. The terror alert has been raised to orange." –Conan O'Brien

"The Sarah Palin tour made its top in Noblesville, Indiana, today. Her book, 'Going Rogue,' is still at the top of Amazon's best seller list, which is rare for a work of fiction." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert On "Letterman": Obama Is The Meryl Streep Of Presidents
Stewart Enlists Wrestler To Aid 10-Year-Old Gay Rights Activist

Nov. 18, 2009

"The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he's going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting." –David Letterman

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rate is now under 50%. 'Well, welcome to the club,' I said." –David Letterman

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." –David Letterman

"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still." –David Letterman

"President Obama winding up his Asian tour this week. There's a switch. Something American in China. You never see that." –Jay Leno

"And yesterday, while speaking in Beijing at the Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to China for its economic successes. And you know something: it's amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor. It's fantastic." –Jay Leno

"And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I've got a good idea. Let's put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!" –Jay Leno

"And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare." –Jay Leno

"And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That's amazing, isn't it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous." –Jay Leno

"And the Boston Teachers Union is stopping 200 teachers from getting their bonuses for good job performance. The union says teachers, good and bad, should all get bonuses. Even the Obama Administration is calling this socialism." –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, 'magical' as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today in Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of this show. Don't worry. I got the whole night planned out. We're going to have drinks, we're going to have appetizers, and then we're going to roast a moose and split it up between us. I got the recipe out of the new Sarah Palin book." –Jimmy Kimmel|

"Sarah Palin's new book, 'Going Rogue,' came out yesterday. It's getting a lot of attention, primarily because she spends a lot of the book settling scores with the media, the political elite, she's angry at the weather for raining on her once." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And she goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, 'If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?' It's a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don't go to Sarah Palin's house for Thanksgiving dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, 'If you want something done, ask a woman.' I guess that's why she asked a woman to write the book for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He's still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches brief, just in case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. Last night, she was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama's performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, 'Oh, that's easy, F.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, 'It's magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.' When George Bush visited, he said, 'It's magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Interview With FOX News

10. First question: "Sup?"
9. Showed up wearing one of Michelle's halter tops.
8. Interview split into domestic issues, foreign affairs and one round of bare-knuckle boxing.
7. Promoted Obama's new book about his life as a sassy Alaska hockey mom.
6. Mostly about Shakira's awesome new "She Wolf" video.
5. Interviewer kept referring to "alleged President Obama."
4. Began new feud over which "Twilight" star is hunkier, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner.
3. When Titans owner Bud Adams gave everyone the finger.
2. A laughing George W. Bush called to ask, "How you liking it, sucker?"
1. Only thing they could agree on is that Glenn Beck is a load

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Explains to Conservative Pundits Why He Doesn't Like Sarah Palin
Colbert Reviews Palin's Book: A 'Steaming Pile Of Sh*t'
Stewart To Dobbs: Your Views Are 'Abhorrent And Wrong'

Nov. 17, 2009

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"And experts now say China wants a bigger role in world events. Really? What, being our landlord is not enough now?" –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." –Jay Leno

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They're touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money." –David Letterman

"Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons." –David Letterman

"Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades." –David Letterman

"You know who was on Oprah the other day was Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska. The high point was when the Governor shot a cigarette out of Oprah's mouth." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin admitted she once got a D in a college course. I looked it up. I think the course was called 'Being Vice President.'" –David Letterman

"It's a great day for America and a great day for one of our loveliest Americans, Sarah Palin. Her long-awaited book, 'Going Rogue,' hit bookstores today. Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn't understand what either one was saying. 'Did you cwy when you wost the election?' 'You betcha.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's book is supposedly full of shocking revelations. Some of it even surprised John McCain. 'I ran for president?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama's nine-day trip to Asia is in full swing. Presidential trips like this require a ton of planning. The State Department briefs the President, the Air Force clears the airspace, and the Secret Service leaves dog food out for Joe Biden. Then everybody heads out." –Craig Ferguson

"Right now President Obama is meeting with top Chinese officials. The American-Chinese relationship has changed in the past couple of years, because we used to be the world's only superpower, standing head and shoulders above other nations. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over all the other Baldwins." –Craig Ferguson

"Now things are different. The financial crisis has knocked us down a few pegs. They've got more than a billion people. If we're going to battle the Chinese for global supremacy, we're going to need a lot more octomoms." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he's known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it's like the Abbott and Costello routine. 'Sir, Hu's here.' 'Who's here to see me?' 'That's what I'm telling you. Hu.' 'What are you talking about?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

"I mean, it was all the way fine until the 34th car drove through the yellow light and left everyone else behind. It was like, 'Hey, we don't know where we're going! We're in China, man!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"71 cars. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore shed a single tear." –Jimmy Fallon

"They didn't need 71 cars. I mean, trust me. I've been to China. They could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. They got it handled over there." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, did you see guys see 'Oprah' yesterday. Sarah Palin was on it. Sarah Palin said that running for president in 2012 is not on her radar screen right now, which was really, really, really upsetting for Democrats." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's new book came out today. Well, she did 'Oprah' yesterday. She did 'GMA' this morning. Having her out on the road is a nice break if you are a moose in Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She said she was super excited to meet Oprah and also to hug a black person for the very first time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Her book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama, our president, was in Beijing today for summit meetings and Chinese food. On Saturday, he was in Japan. He met with the Japanese emperor and empress, and in doing so, upset some conservatives because he bowed when he met them. The G.O.P. said that's sends a bad message to the world, and they're demanding that next time, Obama sweep the leg." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The State Department says he was just following protocol and showing respect to local customs. It's the same reason he pulled the Canadian prime minister's jersey over his head and punched him with the one hand. They like hockey there. It's what they do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of the people most bothered by Obama's bow was former Vice President Dick Cheney. He said no American president should bow to anyone. Dick's been unusually feisty lately. He's like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But you know, President Bush never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them and also he kissed them and then they shared a bunk bed. But that was different. That was for oil." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The President of the United States is in China tonight. This is big. The Chinese president entertained President Obama by having a military band play 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' and 'We Are The World.' What I want to know is how did the Chinese president get hold of my college record collection?" –Conan O'Brien

"This is a big deal, though. Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Experts say that the relations between the two remain icy but that Obama and Jintao get along great." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas in greeting the emperor of Japan because Obama did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end of a blind date half hug." –Conan O'Brien

"In her new book, 'Going Rogue,' Sarah Palin says she doesn't like vegetarians. Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from." –Conan O'Brien

"In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Joe Biden Interview
Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' is Going Rogue
Tonight Show: Palin Really Opens up to Oprah
Colbert Report: Obama Bows to Japanese Prime Minister

Nov. 16, 2009

"I was watching 'Oprah' on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"You know who's coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He's coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he's promoting his new book, 'Really Going Rogue.'" –David Letterman

"Khalid is looking forward to spewing his fanatical hate in court and also seeing 'Mama Mia!'" –David Letterman

"President Obama was in Japan. He made a ceremonial visit to the birthplace of Hideki Matsui." –David Letterman

"And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world's third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah." –David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, says Sarah Palin is 'great for the Republican Party.' Well yeah, that means a lot from the guy who finished fifth." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's got that book out, that 'Going Rogue.' And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don't worry, Sarah, I'm sure you'll get another opportunity." –David Letterman

"President Obama in China this week, or as they call it, the 'People's Republic of Wal-Mart.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met today with Chinese President Hu, as in 'guess Hu's got our money.' I believe that's how you say it." –Jay Leno

"And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, 'Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don't want to hear.' Then he went back to trashing Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama 'make yourself at home,' so he took over Toyota. He's running it now." –Jay Leno

"And that community organizer group, ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. And to prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices." –Jay Leno

"In what reporters are calling a very strange press conference, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine blamed his re-election loss on the fact that he has a beard. He said he believes Americans won't elect a leader with a beard. Yeah, I'll mention that to Abraham Lincoln next time I see him." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Japan. Some people are upset that Obama bowed to the Japanese emperor. It's still better than when former President Bush high-fived the emperor and said, 'Give me some skin, Mr. Miyagi.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' 'ABC World News,' 'Nightline,' 'Sean Hannity,' and '20/20.' During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won't leave her alone." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day, Sarah Palin said she'd like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton. Now, Hillary is saying she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the Never Will Be President Cafe." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, during a town hall event in China, President Obama admitted that he's never used Twitter. Even John McCain was like, 'Get it together, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn't leave his family's front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Book

10. Cover photo is actually Tina Fey.
9. All proceeds from the book go toward a bitchin' new snowmobile.
8. Nearly had to pull out of campaign after spraining her winking muscle.
7. Not interested in politics, is interested in joining "Dancing with the Stars."
6. Includes fantasy sequence where she beats Katie Couric with her own microphone.
5. Someone's got a crush on Jon Gosselin.
4. It's a science fiction romance about moody teenage vampires.
3. Favorite website: YoubetchaTube.
2. Includes Levi Johnston centerfold.
1. Even Sarah doesn't know what Todd does

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Takes on Palin's Book
Letterman Mocks NYT For Cover Story on the World 'Douche'
Colbert Destroys R.I. Governor For Denying Gay Couples Death Rights

Nov. 13-14, 2009

"According to excerpts from Sarah Palin's memoir, 'Going Rogue,' the former vice presidential nominee says her infamous Katie Couric interview went so poorly because Couric was badgering, had a partisan agenda, and asked questions." –Seth Meyers

"Lou Dobbs announced on his CNN show thursday that he's leaving the network. What is it with CNN and run-away bags of hot air? [on screen: a picture of 'Balloon Boy's balloon" –Seth Meyers

"We're learning more and more details about the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. She told Latina magazine [that] the White House told her to paint her fingernails a neutral shade and wear small size earrings during the confirmation. But, see, that's not unusual. That's the same thing Fox tells Ryan Seacrest every week." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is gonna be on Oprah Winfrey's show on Monday. Well, not to be outdone, John McCain is going on 'The Oz' show to get a prostate exam." –Jay Leno

"Fox News made a big announcement, they announced that they are not interested in hiring outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs. Yeah, yeah. Also not interested in hiring Lou Dobbs, the band Los Lobos." –Conan O'Brien

 "In her new book, Sarah Palin claims that before John McCain chose her as his running mate, his campaign spent $50,000 on a background check. Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, we should have spent $75,000." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, you guys, it's Friday the 13th. A lot of people are superstitious about the number 13. President Franklin Roosevelt refused to travel on the 13th of every month, would never host 13 guests at a dinner party, either. And President Bush wasn't allowed to see any movie rated PG-13." –Jimmy Fallon

"CNN announced today that political reporter John King will replace Lou Dobbs. King said, 'I'm excited to report about the political landscape, and Dobbs said, 'I am excited to report my landscaper to immigration.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear this? Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban. And out of habit, France surrendered." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, excerpts from Sarah Palin's new book are starting to leak out to the internet. There's some really shocking stuff in there, complete sentences, proper grammar, really shocking stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today happens to be Friday the 13th. In fact, this is the third Friday the 13th of 2009 already. I blame Obama for that. We never had three Friday the 13ths under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Comes Down on Obama Administration for Caving on the Public Option
SNL Skewers Lou Dobbs
 

Nov. 12, 2009

"President Obama's approval rating down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he's doing, which I think is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired." –Jay Leno

"Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, 'New York will be broke by Christmas.' Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, 'Christmas? What's your secret? How'd you last so long?'" –Jay Leno

"A middle school in North Carolina has caused some controversy, because they were offering to improve test scores for cash donations. For a $20 donation, kids could get an increase of 20 points on any test they chose. It was the 'Cash from Flunkers' program." –Jay Leno

"Remember the crazy astronaut lady who put on a diaper and drove cross country? She was in love with another astronaut. And I said to myself, well that's what happens when you mix vodka and tang." –David Letterman

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

"President Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He'll be making a trip to China. While he's there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America's money." –Conan O'Brien

"Forbes magazine just came out, and they've released a new list of the world's most powerful people. President Obama is number one. Interesting, yeah. And apparently, Oprah is pissed off." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, on 'Larry King Live' ... former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, refused to talk about her sex tape. She got angry for Larry asking what she called, 'inappropriate questions.' Yeah, apparently Larry kept asking, 'Do you want to see my sex tape?'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama left this morning on a ten day trip to Asia. He assigned his kids some important chores. He said that while he's gone, Sasha has to walk the dog, and Malia has to walk Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"When he returns, President Obama is expected to finally reveal his strategy for the war in Afghanistan. The strategy is called, 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of 'Don't ask, don't tell,' Congressman Barney Frank said yesterday that the military's 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy will be repealed next year. It's going to be replaced by the policy, 'Yeah, we knew.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Big news, Lou Dobbs announced on his show last night that he was leaving CNN. No word on where Dobbs is going to go next, but I think we can all rule out Telemundo." –Jimmy Fallon

"They're not welcome there. Dobbs said he's leaving because he wants to engage in constructive problem solving. He's already solved one problem, for CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart Responds To Hannity's Apology: Nothing's Worth Sitting Through His Show
Jon Stewart Discusses Lou Dobbs's Decision To 'Go Palin'
Stephen Colbert Claims Lou Dobbs' Audience
Al Gore on 'The Tonight Show'

Nov. 11, 2009

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC." –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to New York City, first of all, but bad news — city is broke. Yeah. No more money. And they're cutting back on garbage collection. And I want to tell you, New York City, by the way, has one of the finest collections of garbage you'll see anywhere." –David Letterman

"Cutting back, city is broke, cutting back on hospital budgets. Well, it's a good thing we've got that swine flu licked, isn't it?" –David Letterman

"And when your flight lands in the Hudson, you're on your own." –David Letterman

"I found out this by reading her memoir 'Going Rogue,' the Sarah Palin memoir, 'Going Rogue.' Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East." –David Letterman

"They have a bottle of beer that was on board the Hindenburg and it was auctioned off. You know the Hindenburg, that was the biggest thing to crash and burn in New Jersey next to the Corzine campaign." –David Letterman

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" –Jay Leno

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"A huge week for the President. Obama leaves tomorrow for a ten-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea and Japan. Meanwhile, today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at Panda Express." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama, he said that he would be happy to travel, more than happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the global climate conference, if his presence would make a difference. And then the Olympic committee was like, 'Oh, yeah, it makes a huge difference. Yeah.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Demolishes Sesame Street's Conservative Critics

Nov. 10, 2009

"CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? In a speech yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson said that New York will broke by Christmas broke unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers were like, 'Good call, let's start with the governor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"40th anniversary of 'Sesame Street.' Yeah, this is big. First Lady Michelle Obama was on 'Sesame Street' today, showing children how to plant their own healthy vegetable gardens. Isn't that nice? Yeah, then the kids said, 'Screw the vegetables,' and they barbecued Big Bird" –Conan O'Brien

"NASA's been on a campaign to ease people's fears about the end of the world in 2012. Does anybody really think this is going to happen? No, this true. NASA announced that the movie '2012' is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong. And there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that's gonna destroy it. People believe this stuff. They say the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be, I guess, Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street." –Jay Leno

"Bad news for New York. Governor Paterson, the governor of New York, announced that by the end of the year, New York City will be broke. Yep. So we're going to have to make lots of cuts. The Midtown Tunnel. That will be by appointment only. Call ahead. Let them know you're coming through. Metropolitan Museum has laid off three mummies. And the city temporarily has stopped constructing potholes" –David Letterman

"It's the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, got into trouble for making a sex tape. She’s the only one in the tape. But I think this could be innocent too — last time for the racy photos, she said the wind blew her vest open . . . so maybe the wind blew her into some sexy positions and made her do some sexy gestures." –Craig Ferguson

Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s s solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She's trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Catches Sean Hannity Falsifying Footage to Make Protest Appear Bigger
Stephen Colbert Defends Barney Frank Over Pot Bust Kerfuffle

Nov. 9, 2009

"The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it's just one step away to being defeated by the Senate." –David Letterman

"It was close, 220 yeas, 215 nays and one — you lie, you lie!" –David Letterman

"But it's a big victory for the Democrats. And today Nancy Pelosi was named MVP.'" –David Letterman

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"The Berlin Wall, very famous. That's where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, 'Ich bin ein water boarder.'" –David Letterman

"You sound like a bunch of people who heard they just got free health care." –Jay Leno

"As you know, on Saturday night the House narrowly passed the health-care bill. They said the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But — she hasn't blinked since what, '82?" –Jay Leno

"Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno

"Now it gets tricky because the bill goes to the Senate, where Senator Lindsey Graham vowed it would be dead on arrival. That's what he said. In fact, right now, Graham is leading a Southern white coalition against the bill called the Graham Crackers." –Jay Leno

"It was reported today 237 members of Congress are millionaires. Almost half of Congress are millionaires. Isn't that unbelievable? So, apparently, Congress is pretty good at managing their own money …" –Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has to protect the President now on a budget. In fact, like, after 5, you know the President just wears a life alert." –Jay Leno
"You know when you see the agents running alongside the car? That's just to save gas now." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama appears on ''Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Glenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Mocks Use of Leis, Babies, and the Holocaust to Argue Against Health Care Reform
Lewis Black on the Swine Flu Vaccine Shortage
Colbert Report: Health Care Bill

Nov. 6, 2009

"President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy's in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, 'Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, 'He Who Cares.' Isn't that nice? That's nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, 'Big Chief Running Mouth." –Conan O'Brien

"Chrysler announced it's coming out with a new logo that's going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, 'Toyota.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Maria Shriver. Maria celebrated quietly with Governor Schwarzenegger in his lair on Skull Island." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's new book, new memoir, is coming out next month. It's called, 'Going Rogue.' Ooooh. She was like Rambo, out there on her own. Hidin' in the trees, swoopin' down on vines. Out there lookin' for bogies." –David Letterman

"She's already received ... a million dollars. ... You know what she did? She went shopping. You know where she went? Bed, Bath And You Betcha." –David Letterman

"Big day in New York for the Yankees. Ticker tape parade. Anyone here go to the parade? Mayor Bloomberg was there. He called New York City the 'Capital of Baseball.' Then he spent 85 million dollars of his own money to become the new Mayor of Baseball." –Jimmy Fallon

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Mocks Fox News's Election Coverage
SNL: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler Rip Goldman Sachs

Nov. 5, 2009

"During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia. Did you hear about this? Embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah, then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin announced that she's gonna travel across the country on a bus to promote her new book. She'll be hard to miss 'cause it'll be the only bus on the road with a dead moose strapped on the hood." –Conan O'Brien

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"The senior citizen group AARP endorsed the Democrats' health care bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for the senior citizens group said, 'We can't wait until this bill is signed by President Harry Truman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, if you are not happy about Mayor Bloomberg being mayor, don't blame me, O.K.? If you are not happy about this, don't blame me. I voted for — well, I don't remember his name." –David Letterman

"Actually, the guy's name is Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson. Yes, Bill Thompson. Isn't that a name you get in the witness protection program?" –David Letterman
"Big new holiday movie. It's the new 'Christmas Carol,' it opens on Friday. And Dick Cheney saw it already and loved it and through the whole movie he was yelling, 'Go Scrooge, come on, Scrooge, go Scrooge!'" –David Letterman

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, a lot of people are saying these Republican victories are a backlash against Obama's policies. What policies? Don't know what the policies are." –Jay Leno

"The White House says that President Obama did not watch the election results the other night. He watched the Chicago Bulls instead. So at least one of his teams won." –Jay Leno

"Voters in Ohio approved a measure that will allow casinos in Cleveland. So now there will be another way to lose your money in Cleveland besides betting on the Browns." –Jay Leno

"During his speech in Wisconsin yesterday, President Obama explained that he was upset with his daughter, Malia, after she got a 73 on her science test. When I heard that, I was like: 'Seventy-three? I would have killed for a 73.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Later in his speech, President Obama said that the currency of today's economy is knowledge. Great, another currency where China has us beat." –Jimmy Fallon
"Al Gore was here in New York yesterday signing copies of his new book 'Our Choice' at Barnes and Noble. It was strange, Gore wouldn't write his name. He just signed each book, 'I'm sorry, tree.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company's defense, if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies would go under and the government would have to bail them out." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart's Hilarious Impersonation of Glenn Beck
Colbert Report: Guy-Fawkers: The Next GOP Catchphrase?

Nov. 4, 2009

"Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

"You're here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!" –David Letterman

"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers." –David Letterman

"Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all they have." –David Letterman

"Next February, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will be debate, at Radio City Music Hall. I'm looking forward to that line of high-kicking Secret Service agents." –David Letterman

"Clinton and Bush are debating, and, honestly, think about it, what is more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count, if you think about it?" –David Letterman

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." –David Letterman

"Well, the Democratic Party has a new slogan. 'What happened?'" –Jay Leno

"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing." –Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term." –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that's not playing for the Yankees?" –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. And today, Arnold Schwarzenegger said — 'You can do that? How do you do that? Why can't I do that here?'" –Jay Leno

"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. ... Tthey say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him." –Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: William Shatner Performs Poetic Reading of Levi Johnston's Tweets
Daily Show: Indecision 2009 Election Results
Daily Show: Al Gore Interview
Colbert Nation: '09 Off-Year Semi-Presidential Electferendum
Jimmy Kimmel: Big Birds Talks Michelle Obama, Snuffaluffagus, and Booze
Leno: Laura Bush Hates Tabloids, Loves How George W. Says Nuclear

Nov. 3, 2009

"A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot's happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Reporters are saying President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and now photographs show he has lost a lot of weight. Folks, if this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, 'Arrest Bush' and 'Bush is a war criminal.' Yeah. When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I kind of wish Al Gore had been with us last night to kind of help out with the audience last night because, oh, my goodness. Over the course of the show the climate went from bad to worse." –David Letterman

"Do you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? Amazing, huh? Well, actually, there's been some changes. His new slogan is now, 'Yes, we can, but don't hold your breath.'" –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Actually, the program's got kind of a catchy title. It's called 'Don't ask, don't Taliban.'" –Jay Leno

"The government says this swine flu vaccine shortage could last through December. Through December. Great. Now I'll go to the mall and see Santa sitting there with a big, red nose, probably from the flu instead of the usual alcoholism." –Jay Leno

"Now, why is there a swine flu vaccine shortage? You ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. You know, we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." –Jay Leno

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people have been noticing that President Obama is getting very skinny. Have you noticed this? And he is thin. If it wasn't for his ears he'd weigh less than 100 pounds." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Insiders say that Obama has been too busy to eat, which is a problem President Clinton never seemed to have." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Saturday night, the President and Mrs. Obama had a couple thousand kids at the White House and instead of candy, they gave out dried fruit. That's great. You go to the White House, you stand in a security line for three hours, they give you a bag of prunes?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Revels in Inane Election Coverage

Nov. 2, 2009

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton.Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times." –Conan O'Brien

"They trick-or-treat down at the White House. And it's more, I guess it is more, it is more trick-or-treater friendly in this administration than it used to be the Bush-Cheney administration. Remember what happened — the trick-or-treaters would come and then Dick Cheney would turn his wolfhounds loose on the kids." –David Letterman

"But the kids coming to the White House with their hands out, I mean, and those were just the auto company executives." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg, poor guy is so exhausted. Here's what happened yesterday. Kind of an awkward moment. He is out there campaigning, so tired, here is what he did, he kissed a blintz and ate a baby." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg is running against a guy named Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson, Bill 'I'm going to vote for you' Thompson. And he has no money. His largest contribution was a generous $5 check from Regis." –David Letterman

"Well, how about those Afghanistan elections? You know, they had the first one and they thought, well, maybe something hincky with the first one. All right, if something is hincky, let's do it again. And now the opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah has dropped out of the runoff election. He got the idea from watching the Phillies during the World Series." –David Letterman

"Yeah, no runoff election in Afghanistan. Apparently a second election would be way too expensive to rig." –David Letterman

"So Abdullah Abdullah says he is pulling out because he wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah." –David Letterman

"So they've recounted all the votes from the first election in Afghanistan and congratulations to the new president, Al Franken." –David Letterman

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman
Leno

"Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" –Jay Leno

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend, we turned the clocks back. Which means Congress had yet another hour not to read the new health care bill before they signed it." –Jay Leno

"According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, 'President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.' They say he'll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting." –Jay Leno

"The only opponent to Afghan President Hamid Karzai has backed out of the planned recount. He's not going to be in the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family and not get killed." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said he's considering leasing the New Jersey Turnpike to help raise money for the state. He's going to lease out the New Jersey Turnpike. And of course, a lot of people are furious about this. Because, you know, parts of the Jersey Turnpike are considered a sacred mob burial ground." –Jay Leno

"Executives of America's 28 largest banks met with Federal Reserve supervisors to discuss and regulate the banks' pay policies, which is pretty amazing. There's still 28 banks left in this country?" –Jay Leno
Fallon

"I just love Halloween. It's the only time of the year you get to see a Ghostbuster making out with Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine flu vaccines available today. But right now, there are only 26 million. Yeah, they overshot by so much, they are all getting jobs as pilots for Northwest Airlines." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon announced today, they have given the swine flu vaccines to every detainee at Guantanamo Bay. The detainees were like, 'Hey, whatever happened to closing this place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Abdullah Abdullah just quit next week's runoff election against Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzi. Abdullah Abdullah said, he was just following in the footsteps of his role model, Palin Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Indecision 2009
Colbert Nation to Sponsor U.S. Speedskating Team in Olympics

Oct. 30, 2009

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!" --David Letterman

"President Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House this week, in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack. 'I'm going to go water my tree!' 'Whatever you say, Mr. President.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, the health caree bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you guys remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted this week at a pub in Cambridge having a drink. So, this is either great news for race relations or those guys are alcoholics." --Jimmy Fallon

"Because of the bad economy, did you hear this? A lot of Americans are planning to save money by wearing the same costume they wore last year. Yeah. So, if you see me tomorrow night, that's why I'm dressed as a lady astronaut in a diaper. Brings back memories, doesn't it, huh?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has made a stunning announcement. President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, apparently he's promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, President Obama admitted that he has had 'bumps in his marriage.' Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Bumps? I would kill for bumps!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some bad news for Sarah Palin. I don't know if you heard this, according to a recent survey when asked, 7 out of 10 people said Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president. 7 out of 10. Yeah. Even worse, the question was, 'Are you happy with your long-distance service?'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a really weird story, political experts say that when former President Clinton traveled to North Korea recently, he may have met with an actor playing Kim Jong-Il, instead of the real guy. It's true. On the bright side, at least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho." --Conan O'Brien

Oct. 29, 2009

"Do people still bob for apples? Anybody bob for apples for God's sakes? Bobbing for apples or as Dick Cheney calls it, apple boarding." –David Letterman

"I bet you you go to Dick Cheney's house, trick-or-treating he is one of those guys that tells you you are going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out." –David Letterman

"Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin will be making an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to be good. It's going to be great because on the one hand you have a powerful, well respected icon, American woman who could be president. An on the other hand you have Sarah." –David Letterman

"And then John McCain will make an appearance live via satellite. That is, if he can find somebody to turn on the damn thing." –David Letterman

"She has got a book, a best selling book, she got paid a million dollars for the book called 'Going Rogue.' You think about it, she was Rambo, am I right?" –David Letterman

"That is the name of her book, 'Going Rogue.' And she got a million dollars for that and she is work on the sequel, 'Going Shopping.'" –David Letterman

"But just — a word of advice now to Oprah Winfrey, be prepared. Don't underestimate her. Remember how Palin schooled Katie Couric, remember that?" –David Letterman

"We wanted Sarah Palin to be on our program and she decided she was going to be on the Oprah program. I'm beginning to think maybe she doesn't like me." –David Letterman

"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. ... But to be fair, people do grieve differently" –Jay Leno

"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." –Conan O'Brien

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" –Conan O'Brien

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692. 3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." –Jimmy Fallon

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House welcomed students to the South Lawn for the fall harvest of the White House garden. They're saying a hoe hasn't gotten that much action at the White House since the Clinton administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new book, President Obama's former campaign manager said that because of Bill Clinton, Hillary was not chosen as Obama's running mate. Yeah, Hillary was very mad at Bill, and in fact, to punish him, she made him move from the couch to their bed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on War Between Obama White House and FOX News
Colbert Signs Petition to Close Gitmo

Oct. 28, 2009

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"By gosh, the World Series starts tonight. You know who is going to be at the game tonight, at Yankee Stadium? Michelle Obama and Jill Biden. Wife of the President, wife of the Vice President. And they will be sitting right next to the two sleeping Northwest pilots." –David Letterman

"Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And everybody in the audience on Oprah that night gets a free 30-06." –David Letterman

"Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama and second lady Jill Biden were at game one of the World Series tonight in New York. They went because Michelle loves baseball, and Mrs. Biden loves getting out of the house." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." –Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Of course, some people in Connecticut are upset that Joe now opposes the public option. Namely, the 64% of people in Connecticut who support a public option. But remember, Joe's party is 'Connecticut for Lieberman,' not 'Lieberman for Connecticut.' Big difference. You see, Joe's a true independent. He's independent of political parties, and he's independent of his constituents. I say, stick to your principles, Joe. And as soon as you can, let us know what those are." –Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Suggests Breeding Master Race to Solve Health Care Crisis
Jon Stewart Takes On Media, Lieberman Over Public Option
Colbert Report: Joe Lieberman Is A True Independent

Oct. 27, 2009

"They say now that President Barack Obama's playing a lot of golf. Did you know he plays a lot of golf? I didn't know that. Good for him. Play golf. Play all the golf you want. The world is going to hell anyway. What possible difference could it make if he's playing golf?" –David Letterman

"In fact, he has played more golf in his few months in office than George Bush played in eight years. So Barack Obama, playing more golf than George Bush. But to be fair, President Bush played more mini-golf." –David Letterman

"I mean, it's no secret, if you're the President of the United States, the pressure is incredible, unrelenting, it will crush you. You've got to get out and do stuff. You have to take a break. You have to go play golf. You've got to ride a bike and go jogging. You have to shoot a hunting buddy in the face. I mean, it will kill you, the pressure." –David Letterman

"Guess what? The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin will be appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show next month. Coincidentally, John McCain will be on Dr. Oz next month getting a colonoscopy." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is promoting her brand new book. It's called 'Going Rogue' because she really was out there on the edge. The book is going to be huge. It will be an enormous. As a matter of fact, the FDA gave it quite a boost. The Food and Drug Administration said her book has been approved as an over-the-counter sleep aid. It will be crazy big." –David Letterman

"I stand behind no man in my regard for the great Oprah Winfrey. But if you really wanted to see Sarah Palin on a TV show, would you want to see her on the Oprah show or would you want to see her here? Well, that ain't gonna happen." –David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

"And an auditor found rampant fraud in the government's first-time home buyers program. The auditor found that starter home money even went to 4-year-olds. Imagine that. Four-year-olds got a home loan, which is good news for Jon and Kate's kids because now they can get their own place. Don't have to deal with those two idiots anymore." –Jay Leno

"And Osama bin Laden's ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Even terrorists get scared when their ex-wives write a book." –Jay Leno

"Anyone here excited about the Yankees-Phillies World Series game? Here's the latest. Senator Charles Schumer of New York is betting Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter a case of New York cheesecakes versus a case of Philadelphia cheese steaks. So whoever wins the bet will die of a heart attack." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The University of Chicago, where President Obama once taught law, they want to house the Barack Obama presidential library. The library will be just like President George W. Bush's library, except it will have books." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of former President Bush, he gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. Bush spoke for half an hour and said he 'just hopes' his 'words were inspirationistic.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bush is actually really good at motivating. Last year, he motivated everyone to vote for Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"After the President invited only men to play basketball with him earlier this month, the National Organization for Women is complaining that the Obama Administration has a 'boy's club' atmosphere, not to be confused with the Clinton Administration, where they had a gentleman's club atmosphere." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the release of 'Terminator.' 'Terminator' is a movie we liked so much, we elected it governor here in California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And I have to say, it's hard to believe it's been 25 years since 'Terminator' came out, mostly because our governor never stops reminding us of it. He mentions it pretty much every day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in response to the growing threat of swine flu. So I guess I better stop licking doorknobs for real this time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In response to Obama's declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support of the swine flu. Not really." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Gets Jacked Up Over Bush's Motivational Speech
Daily Show Investigates Bush's Motivational Speaking Career

Oct. 26, 2009

"President Obama is in the news. He's been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He's been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, according to CBS News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Actually, Obama's a good golfer. You know what his handicap is? Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"And former Vice President Dick Cheney has accused the White House of 'dithering' over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Today, the White House said they're thinking it over, and they should have an answer for him in six to eight weeks." –Jay Leno

"It's getting nasty. Cheney said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be 'afraid.' Afraid? Isn't Cheney the one that was hiding in the underground bunker?" –Jay Leno

"An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, 'Al Sharpton.' Even worse than that, after he told her, 'I'm Jesse Jackson,' she said, 'Are you the one that's between Jermaine and Tito?'"–Jay Leno

"The St. Louis Rams lost yesterday to the Indianapolis Colts. The Rams are now 0-7. In fact, they're so bad, the Rams called Rush Limbaugh collect and said, 'Make us an offer. Anything, please.'" –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is. It is our secretary of state's birthday. It is Hillary Clinton's birthday. Happy birthday, Hillary. President Obama asked her what she wanted, she said 'Your job.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bill Clinton is planning a romantic candlelight dinner tonight. Then he'll go home and see Hillary." –Craig Ferguson

"Hey, guys, this is big news. President Obama just declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. A couple of weeks ago, it was like, 'Calm down, it's going to be fine.' Now it's a national emergency. I'm telling you, swine flu is a big threat, then it's not, then it is. Make up your mind. This thing is like the Brett Favre of infectious diseases." –Jimmy "Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Eviscerates Gay Marriage Opponents
Daily Show: From Here to Neutrality

Oct. 21, 2009

"And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called 'Don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'" --Jay Leno

"Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have invented a robot whose sole mission is to deliver you snacks. Got a big problem here in America. We're getting too much exercise walking to the fridge, now?" --Jay Leno

"How about one that delivers exercise equipment? Why don't you try that?" --Jay Leno

"The FDA announced plans to clamp down on food labeling that may mislead consumers into thinking food is more nutritious than it really is. Is that going to work? Huh? You think Americans will change their eating habits by reading that? 'Oh, look, honey, on the label, these chocolate doughnuts aren't as nutritious as I thought they were.'" --Jay Leno

"The 'balloon boy' saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father's helium tanks were actually repossessed; I guess they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a disturbing trend: celebrity death hoaxes on Twitter. Yesterday Kanye West was rumored to be killed in a car accident. Today, Kanye, announced that he’s not dead. He just wishes he was." --Jimmy Kimmel

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in re-runs this week

Oct. 20, 2009

"Federal agents will no longer go after patients taking medical marijuana or their suppliers under the new guidelines by the Obama Administration." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is very smart. He figures if he couldn't appease the left by withdrawing from Iraq or closing Gitmo or appealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' they'll all be too stoned to care." –Jay Leno

"President Obama today agreed to commit an additional 40,000 troops to help fight Fox News." –Jay Leno

"It's getting ugly in the press room. Well, senior White House adviser David Axelrod told reporters that Fox News is just pushing a point of view. Well, yeah. But at least they got a point of view." –Jay Leno

"And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." –Jay Leno

"Well here's some good terrorist gossip. Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book about him. And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one." –Jay Leno

"No, Osama bin Laden's first wife and her son have written a book about her marriage. The son said that bin Laden would get angry if they turned on the air conditioner. So in a lot of ways, bin Laden just sounds like a typical dad. When it comes to thermostats, all dads become fanatical tyrants. Why is that?" –Jay Leno

"Oh, this is interesting. Did you know bin Laden's first wife was also his first cousin? That doesn't sound like al Qaeda. That sounds like Alabama, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"Well this is kind of odd. Sarah Palin has posted her resume on an employment networking site. Under 'jobs held,' she -- you know, she was a sportscaster. Did you know that? She was also, of course, governor of Alaska and, most recently, private nurse for Senator John McCain. I didn't realize that." –Jay Leno

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in re-runs this week

Oct. 19, 2009

"As you know, the whole balloon boy thing turned out to be a big hoax. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam." --Jay Leno

"It was smart for them to try this balloon stunt while President Obama's in office. That wouldn't have worked with Bush Administration. Cheney would have shot that balloon down."  --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you saw it Friday. That whole -- people thought the 6-year-old kid was in the balloon. I mean, it was so tense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving, picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, car theft is at a 20-year low. Well, that shows you how bad the auto business is. People don't even want to steal them now." --Jay Leno

"President Obama announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his 'Cash for Geezers' program." --Jay Leno

"Actually, if you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 million." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of interesting. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- it's always the first wife -- is coming out with a book that gives a rare glimpse into the personal life of the infamous al Qaeda leader. She says Osama bin Laden was very tough on their children and was a strict disciplinarian. Well there's a shock." --Jay Leno

"And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me." --Jay Leno

"And the Post Office may cancel Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each other." --Jay Leno

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in re-runs this week

Oct. 16-17, 2009

"Did you see what happened to Rush Limbaugh? He wanted to buy the St. Louis Rams and they wouldn't let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people." --Bill Maher

"The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate, which is easy because so many of them live there." --Bill Maher

"A new study shows that the phrase most often used by president Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama was in New Orleans visiting the victims of Katrina yesterday. And he took questions from the audience. And one person asked him: 'What do you think about the Big Easy?' and he said, 'Oh, I just call it 'Nobel Peace Prize.'" --Jay Leno

"The governor's wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on a cell phone while driving. You know, I read about it on my BlackBerry while riding into work on my motorcycle the other day."  -Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"This afternoon, according to a a media psychologist that was on this cable show today, it may not be John Edwards' fault that he cheats on his wife. Not his fault. They psychologist said he may suffer from a clinical condition known as Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's syndrome. No, you know what he has? He has 'ass grabber' syndrome." --Jay Leno

"On Thursday, a boy hid in a box. So I guess that was a faster way to tell that story." --Seth Meyers

"After the Senate Finance Committee approved the new health care bill this week, President Obama declared we're closer before than passing health care reform, closer than I was ever before to being 300 years old." --Seth Meyers

"Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in committee, that doesn't mean she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'Come on, guys, chase me!'" --Seth Meyers

"Olympia Snowe's vote was hailed as a victory for bipartisanship. So now you only need one Republican to be bipartisan? Those are pretty low standards. That's like saying you're bilingual if you say 'Hola' to the nanny." --Seth Meyers

"In a speech to the human rights campaign, the nation's largest gay rights group, President Obama on Saturday pledged to end the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Even better for gays, it's being replaced with a new policy, 'truth or dare.'" --Seth Meyers

"The Dow Jones on Thursday rose past the 10,000 mark for first time in over a year. 'Hooray!' shouted 15 million unemployed Americans watching CNN in their pajamas in the middle of the day." --Seth Meyers

"A company that designs fonts is suing NBC for $2 million for trademark infringement for using their fonts during a recent ad campaign. Joke's on them. We don't have $2 million" --Seth Meyers

"A big blockbuster movie this weekend, 'Where the Wild Things Are' yeah. I think it's like a big Imax movie and it's supposed to be for kids. I don't know, by the end of the movie, all of the wild things have been hunted and shot by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Obama was in New Orleans. A little boy asked President Obama, 'Why do people hate you?' Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and said, 'I know why people hate you.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Liberal activists are accusing President Obama of being too slow to appoint new judges. Yeah. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres." --Conan O'Brien

"A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck." --Jimmy Fallon

"At a town hall meeting in New Orleans, President Obama said that he would rebuild the Louisiana coast and the crowd cheered, 'Yes we can! Yes we can!' And then Obama said that he would fix the economy and the crowd was like, 'Not so sure! Not so sure!'" --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher Looks Back on the Year in Ridiculous Republicans
Bill Maher: Gay Army Ad
SNL: 'The Rock Obama' Beats up Senate Opponents

Oct. 15, 2009

"Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, as you probably know, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group of investors who were trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. Speculation was that Limbaugh was considered by the league to be too controversial, you know, unlike Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, coach Tom Cable, Plaxico Burress. The NFL hates controversy." –Jay Leno

"Hey, some good news for Rush. The Oakland Raiders are offering to give him the team for free." –Jay Leno

"What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized." –Jay Leno

"You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself." –Jay Leno

"And for the first time in over a year, the Dow hit 10,000. Very exciting. Now, if you don't know what the Dow is, that is a list of companies President Obama hasn't taken over yet." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he wants to give senior citizens $250. Has this been the greatest year for Brett Favre or what?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"–Jay Leno

"Hey, a new poll just came out that shows that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary said she's thrilled to win a popularity contest a year after it matters." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's daughter has come under fire for posting a sexy photo of herself on Twitter. McCain is furious. He told his daughter: 'You should know better. You're 80 years old.'" –Conan O'Brien

"One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called Barackula. Not so popular, Congressman Barney Frankenstein." –Conan O'Brien

"California First Lady Maria Shriver has apologized for being caught using her cell phone while driving. Unfortunately, she apologized via text while driving a school bus."

"It's not a great day for old folks. Today, the Social Security Administration announced there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. Social Security is the government's most popular program. A couple of years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put all the money in the stock market. That would have worked out. That would be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog!" –Craig Ferguson

"I'm getting up there. I am 47 years old. Three years from now, I can be in the AARP! Me! Me! Eight years from today, I'm eligible for a senior discount at IHOP." –Craig Ferguson

"There is a rumor going around that the first dog, Bo Obama, had an accident on Air Force One. Today Joe Biden was like, 'Um, yeah, it was Bo.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In fact, the accident was so bad they're calling the plane 'Air Force Two.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, 'Forget everything I said, this guy's awesome!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama is going to send $250 to all of those senior citizens. The bad news is that he's going to send them $10 at a time on their birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said yesterday that if she had won the presidential election, she would have hired Barack Obama to serve in her cabinet. Come on, he's her boss. What is she going the say? 'That guy, Barack, he's terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are now planning to filibuster President Obama's healthcare plan. You know, it is a legislative device. A guy gets up and talks all night without really saying anything. It's like having dinner with Regis." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: RNC Website: You've Got Fail
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Oct. 14, 2009

"Thank you for coming out on such a wet day. Man! The rain we've been having. What a storm this has been. The roads are slicker than John Edwards on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story out of Washington is this healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9, I believe it was. The Bill cost over $800 billion. And that's just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress." --Jay Leno

"The good news is we'll probably have some kind of improvement in our healthcare system. The bad news is it won't be in our lifetime. It will never happen." --Jay Leno

"And the Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years, as long as it takes!" --Jay Leno

"And, of course, the Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. And the Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book. So, it's even." --Jay Leno

"And for the first time in a year, the Dow closed above 10,000. You know what that means? More AIG bonuses!" --Jay Leno

"And the Department of Homeland Security announced that instead of putting illegal immigrants in jail, what they're going to do is let them stay at converted hotels. Let me explain how this works. If you're a homeless American whose house has been foreclosed on, you're desperate for shelter, here's what you do. You sneak across the boarder to Mexico, you walk back in; the government puts you up at the Sheraton. Fantastic deal." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams, has downplayed racial comments that he's made in the past by saying if he was a racist, why would he want to be part of a business that is 70% African American? Well, I don't know. Maybe because you would own them? Think that has anything to do with it?" --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, they held a big gay rights march in Washington, D.C. Tens of thousand of gay Americans of all political persuasions filled hotel rooms in D.C. Actually, it was just the Democrats in the rooms. The Republicans were still in the closet." --Jay Leno

"Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy." --Conan O'Brien

"Some of the celebrities at the White House Latin music event included Gloria Estefan, George Lopez, Eva Longoria, and Jose Feliciano. Apparently it was much more fun than last year's party, which was just President Bush and Dora the Explorer." --Conan O'Brien

"A top adviser to President Obama says that the most important interactions the President has with Joe Biden happen when no one else is around. Obama says that the best interactions with Biden happen when Biden isn't around." --Conan O'Brien

"NASA recently announced they have a photograph from the Hubble Telescope that shows two galaxies colliding. Then they took a closer look and said, 'Wait a second. Those galaxies aren't colliding. They're doing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Health care has now passed the Senate Finance Committee. So now here's what the Republicans are going to do to try and kill the health-care bill. They're going to go into filibuster where the guy gets the floor and he just keeps yacking and yacking and yacking and yacking and yacking. And people get tired and go home. Hey, wait, that could happen right now." --David Letterman

"John McCain's going to do the filibustering and he's going to talk about his collection of big band records." --David Letterman

"Obama's doing a great job, in impossible circumstances, by the way. You know he won the Nobel Peace Prize a couple of days ago. And the week before that, he won the daytime Nobel Peace Prize. So he's won them both." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's memoir will be out next month. Revelations in the memoir. The last couple of months on the campaign, it was actually Tina Fey." --David Letterman
"They also say that during her debate with Joe Biden -- the vice presidential debate -- she got confused and at one point actually said, 'I'm ready to solve the puzzle, Pat.'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the Democrats' health-care bill made it past the Senate Finance Committee, in a 14-9 vote. Sorry if I spoiled the ending for you guys. I know a … lot of you probably TiVo C-SPAN." --Jimmy Fallon

"But yes, that's what happened. Republican Senator Olympia Snowe broke ranks with her party and voted for the Democrats' healthcare bill. She's been missing ever since." --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm so excited, because I had Olympia Snowe on my fantasy Congress team. I'm like, 'Yeah! Score, man!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"But even though the bill passed, President Obama said that now is not the time to pat ourselves on the back, mostly because you might pull a muscle. He says, 'Wait until you actually have health insurance before you do anything.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams 30 GOP Senators Who Voted Against Anti-Rape Amendment

Oct. 13, 2009

"People still upset that Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize. And today the head of the Nobel Prize Committee defended the decision to give Obama this year's peace prize, saying that Obama's already accomplished quite a bit. When asked for an example, the committee chairman said, 'Come on, he won the freaking Nobel Peace Prize.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Nobel committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the peace prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year's Nobel Prize were red wine and the Brookstone three-speed massaging recliner." --Conan O'Brien

"A new article just came out. It shows that the phrase used most often by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear' whereas the phrase used most often by Joe Biden is, 'Hey, where are you all going?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you see what happened today? President Obama won another Nobel prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up smoking." --Jay Leno

"Did you know the Nobel Peace Prize comes with a cash award? It's like a million dollars. Actually, it's $1.4 million. See, apparently, this is President Obama's plan to finance healthcare reform. Keep winning these awards — the Nobel, the Powerball, the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes -- keep winning these, and we can pay for the whole healthcare thing." --Jay Leno

"And in NFL news, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. So far, this season, the Rams are what, 0-5? What is it with the Republicans? They can't seem to pick a winning team lately. What's going on?" --Jay Leno

"Thank you! I uh, I deserve that like Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize." --David Letterman

"Well, here's some news. President Obama's healthcare plan passed the Senate Finance Committee this afternoon. Republicans are disappointed because they had their own version of the health plan. That was going to be swine flu masks and Purell." --David Letterman

"The Republicans are quite upset. John McCain had to console that 'you lie' guy." --David Letterman

"John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy, 'Don't Look, Don't Aim.'" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W. Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president." --David Letterman

"Do you know in Washington today, a Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health care? That's the first time a Republican switched sides and was not arrested in an airport bathroom." --Craig Ferguson

"The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff." --Jimmy Fallon

"Colorado will become the first state ever to lower its minimum wage by 3 cents an hour, from $7.28 to $7.25. As a compromise, Colorado workers will be allowed to leave work 9 seconds earlier." --Jimmy Fallon

"Wal-Mart employees were like, 'There's a minimum wage?'" --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Takes on FOX For Not Covering Gay Rights March
Jimmy Fallon & The Roots Slow Jam the Unemployment Crisis

Oct. 12, 2009

"Congratulations to President Barack Obama. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. Very exciting. Hang on now. Don't get too excited. He hasn't actually collected it yet. Let's see if he can follow through on this. He went to Europe for the Olympic thing. That was a sure thing, too. So, let's just wait a minute." --Jay Leno

"Actually, when Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good." --Jay Leno

"Do you know who was the runner up for the Peace Prize? Oakland Raiders defense. They are true pacifists." --Jay Leno

"Now, it was announced today they gave the Nobel Prize in economics to two American economists. Really, we have economists? Where the hell they been the last five years? We don't even have an economy. How can we win that?" --Jay Leno

"Congress is now proposing to give everyone who has a baby $500. Oh yeah, great! Let's make these NBA players even richer." --Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news -- when they do break your legs, there's a good chance you're covered now." --Jay Leno

"How awful is this? Police arrested a 30-year-old, Bountiful, Utah, man for fondling the nurse who was helping to deliver his baby. Move over John Edwards. We have a new nominee for husband of the year." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So, congratulations, Michelle Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend in Washington, D.C., there was a huge gay rights rally. And one of the most popular chants was, 'Hey, Obama, let mama marry mama.' Historians are calling this the best gay rights chant since 'Hey, Dwight D. Eisenhower, let Mike and Steve share a shower.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, in honor of Columbus Day, Dick Cheney's cholesterol was 1492." --David Letterman

"When I call your name, please come up and claim your Nobel Peace Prize, all right?" --David Letterman

"Hey, President Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? Meanwhile, right now at an Arizona senior citizens center, John McCain is screaming, 'Bingo!'" --David Letterman

"President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the official judges of the Miss America Pageant. I'm like, what? A loudmouth judge who loves prescription painkillers? Wait, wait, it worked for 'American Idol.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Israel threatened to attack Iran if international sanctions are not placed by Christmas, to which people in both nations said, 'Um, what's Christmas?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump's 'Celebrity Apprentice.' It's part of Trump's plan to make his own hair look normal." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Chicago Cubs declared bankruptcy today, a move that they say will help them sell the team. It's part of the new 'Cash for Clunkers' program." --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams CNN for Fact-Checking Saturday Night Live
David Letterman: Things More Fun Than Reading The Sarah Palin Memoir

Oct. 9-10, 2009

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great honor for America that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, our economy is so bad, Obama's already been forced to trade the medal in at 'Cash 4 Gold.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize comes with $1.4 million in cash. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama Caught Taking Bribe from Swedish Government.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher

"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." --Bill Maher

"Congratulations to Barack Obama -- he has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently, the Nobel committee wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer. " --Jay Leno

"President Obama said he was humbled to win the prize. Not as humble as he was when Rio got the Olympics. But still humble." --Jay Leno

"President Obama said he will go to Oslo, Norway to collect the award. Roman Polanski said, 'It's a trick -- don't go; you'll be arrested.'" --Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing, winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

"Big news: We bombed the moon this morning. We sent a missile into its surface. That's gotta be a lesson to North Korea and Iran -- we bombed the moon for no good reason at all." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A day after declaring war on the moon, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden was awarded the Nobel Hair-Piece Prize." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Along with his trophy, the president will receive $1.4 million in prize money . . . so say hello to a whole new closet of mom jeans everybody." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations to President Obama, who won the Nobel Peace Prize this morning. That's quite an accomplishment. I'm sure he'll pick it up as soon as he's finished fighting two wars." --Jimmy Fallon

"Along with the Nobel Peace Prize President Obama also gets $1.4 million. Usually to get a check that big you need to blackmail David Letterman." --Jimmy Fallon

"The White House admitted that they made a mistake by not inviting women to play in President Obama's basketball game last night. Although it would have made 'shirts vs. skins' a little awkward. " --Jimmy Fallon

"The women really wanted to play. Nancy Pelosi had her game face on. Of course, when does she not have her game face on?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Along with the Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama also gets $1.4 million. Usually to get a check that big, you need to blackmail David Letterman." --Jimmy Fallon

"In a surprise decision, President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Friday. In other premature awards this week: high school football player Billy Reynolds has been named this year's Heisman Trophy winner; fifth grader Amber Collins has been named Miss America; and nine-year-old Dylan Holt has been named People's 'Sexiest Man Alive.'" --Seth Meyers

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Won't Win A Nobel Prize

10. You invented swine flu
9. Misspelled 'Nobel' and 'Prize' on application
8. Mathematics paper notes 'all figures approximate'
7. There's no Nobel Prize for napping
6. Your peacemaking efforts focused on Jon and Kate
5. You're up against Tina Fey — she wins everything!
4. Only prize you've ever won was for eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes
3. Devoted your life to creating a sushi that will still allow Jeremy Piven to act
2. Only medical experience? Sticking a needle in A-Rod's ass
1. Barack Obama flew to Sweden to plead on your behalf

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Takes on Obama's Peace Prize
Bill Maher: Repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Because It Will Make Limbaugh's Head Explode
Sarah Silverman: Sell the Vatican, Save the World
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Oct. 8, 2009

"NASA is going to launch a rocket to the moon on Friday. They're going to shoot a rocket to the moon. Just going to -- kaboom, kaboom! The government says don't worry, that they're pretty certain we will be greeted as liberators." --David Letterman

"We're bombing the moon. We're attacking the moon. And we hope to find out if there's water. And you know that is how we do stuff. We launch the attack then we look for the evidence." --David Letterman

"The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"Here is an example of how quickly things can turn around. According to a recent poll, President Obama's approval rating in California has dropped. In fact, among Hollywood celebrities, it is now down to just 99 percent." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big question now, with the troops in Afghanistan, is how soon can we expect a decision from President Obama on this troop thing? We've been waiting, but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Remember, it took him five months to decide on a puppy." --Jay Leno

"Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the United States. They want to promote savings. And listen to this. It's $1,000 if it turns out your congressman is your baby's father." --Jay Leno

"Is that a good idea? Have a baby, get $500. You thought a lot of illegal were coming here to have kids before?" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something interesting. Tomorrow, NASA scientists will crash two spacecraft into the surface of the moon in an effort to find ice. The spacecrafts are named 'Amtrak One' and 'Amtrak Two.'" --Jay Leno

"Scientists are very excited about the possibility of ice on the moon. Not as excited as personal injury attorneys, but almost as excited." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, President Obama plans to appoint his Administration's first openly gay ambassador, David Huebner. Huebner will serve as the U.S. ambassador to Barbra Streisand." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Obama had dozens of middle school students over to the White House. And they set up 20 telescopes outside to look at the stars. The kids were kind of bratty, though. One of them was like, 'Hey, look, I can see Rio de Janeiro.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"And tonight, Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House for several members of Congress. He didn't even want to play, he just wanted to see Congress pass something." --Jimmy Fallon

"The basketball game was very intense. At one point, Hillary landed hard and sprained her cankle." --Jimmy Fallon

"News out of Afghanistan. The Taliban say that they have no plan of harming countries of the world, including those in Europe. I'm not sure how convincing that sounds. It is like telling your RA, 'I have no beer in this room at all, especially not under my bed.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I was reading that NASA is going to fire that rocket into the crater of the moon tomorrow morning, and people can follow the mission on Facebook and on Twitter. And you can go to Friendster, too, and follow the original moon landing." --Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of NASA, you guys heard about this asteroid that can strike the Earth in 2036? NASA just downgraded the threat collision to 1 in 250,000. That means you have a better shot at getting crushed by an asteroid than winning the grand prize of McDonald's 'Monopoly.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"This is an historic night. Tonight, for the first time in American history, we are preparing to attack the moon." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The United States is bombing the moon tonight. NASA is honestly planning to fire a rocket-powered explosive into one of the lunar poles. See, this is what happens when your president's slogan is 'Yes we can.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This bombing expedition cost NASA $79 million. Do you have any idea how many Nicolas Cage movies you could make for $79 million? Almost one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"If I was NASA, I would have auctioned the chance to fire the missile that blows up the moon on eBay, right? I mean, it would have paid for itself. 'Dude, who gets the push the button to explode the moon? Me, that's right.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Skewers Glenn Beck for Constant Tears, Conspiracy Theories
Daily Show: Tom DeLay Quits Dancing

Oct. 7, 2009

"President Obama's national security adviser just said that Obama is going to overturn the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' As a result, the signal for an enemy attack will change from 'incoming' to 'what's her problem?'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic -- as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." --Conan O'Brien

"The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford. And witnesses say she was flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at Redford and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out." --Conan O'Brien

"In a global survey of the most admired countries, the United States went from number seven to number one. They don't admire us enough to give us the Olympics, but…" --Jay Leno

"And earlier in the week, President Barack Obama met with 150 doctors. He got all kinds of advice from them. This weekend, he's going to try out the tips they gave him on the golf course." --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, the President and the First Lady celebrated their wedding anniversary. They went out to dinner. There were no gifts exchanged. They didn't exchange any gifts because, as you know, that would be socialism." --Jay Leno

"And President Obama had a very tense 25-minute meeting aboard Air Force One last week with General McChrystal, our top general in Afghanistan. And apparently, McChrystal gave a speech in London last week very critical of Obama's policies in Afghanistan. And Obama was not happy. In fact, he considers it so important, he's thinking about canceling his upcoming appearance on 'Ellen.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama's national security advisor said the President will overturn the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military. Well I think that's good. I think gay people should be allowed to serve in the military. It seems ridiculous if they're not. And listen to this. They'll be able to keep the same slogan, an 'Army of One — Singular Sensation.'" --Jay Leno

"Now, listen to this. I'm no rocket scientist so far be it from me to tell these people who are rocket scientists how to do their business, but NASA, they're shooting a missile. They're going to launch a huge missile -- kaboom -- right at the moon, looking for water. And I said, 'Why not? Now that everything here is taken care of on Earth, why not? We've got no problems here. Let's just go give it a shot.'" --David Letterman

"So they're going to attack the moon, and they're going to be looking for water. And I thought, well, that's pretty much sounds like our government -- bomb first, look for evidence later. That's the way we do business." --David Letterman

"Nobel Prizes in science were awarded yesterday, and the three winners in physics are known as the 'masters of light.' Not to be confused with Dick Cheney, known as the 'prince of darkness.'" --David Letterman

"Now, here's something that will put a smile on your face. Yesterday was the first day of the new Supreme Court session. And we have a freshman Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor, and it's her first day in court. So you know what they do? It's like a rookie hazing for the new justices. And it was hilarious. The other judges, yesterday, switched her robe with a blanket. It was unbelievable. Boy, that was funny. Crazy." --David Letterman

"And then, then, Chief Justice Roberts sent her to the hardware store to buy a left-handed gavel. That's a regular yuck rodeo down there." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. Sonia Sotomayor really has her work cut out for her. Think about this — the responsibility of replacing Paula Abdul. Is she going to be able to do that? Is that a possibility, even? I don't think so." --David Letterman

"Here is some very good news. At NASA, the countdown is on. After years of wasting taxpayer money on research to increase the quality of life here on Earth and all that rubbish, NASA is finally doing something cool. They're blowing up the moon!" --Craig Ferguson

"No, it is not a joke. I'm not kidding! Right now, a Centaur missile is hurtling through space, headed for the moon's south pole. And I for one would just like to say how awesome that is!" --Craig Ferguson

"We could make a ton of money if they find water on the moon. Can you imagine how much showbiz weasels in L.A. would pay for moon water?" --Craig Ferguson

"Today marked the eighth anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by champagne boarding himself." --Jimmy Fallon

"So what NASA is doing, they're crashing a rocket, which will have the energy of two tons of TNT It's part of NASA's new strategy, 'What would Wile E. Coyote do?'" --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Hello, No Dalai
Colbert Report: Human Sacrifice Channel

Oct. 6, 2009

"Well, congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. Well, at first, they couldn't agree where they should celebrate. He wanted to go to Chicago, she voted for Rio." --Jay Leno

"I think Obama is starting to get a little desperate. After losing the Olympics last week, he scaled back a little bit. Like, today, he was in New York, making the case for Chicago-style pizza." --Jay Leno

"Well, in response to criticism that he's not fulfilling a campaign promise, the President's national security adviser said President Obama will overturn the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy at the right time. When asked what the right time would be, he said, 'Don't ask, I'm not telling.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, the Post Office told Congress this week they are sorry, but they can no longer continue to deliver Saturday's mail on Saturday. Hey, I'd be happy to get Wednesday's mail on Saturday." --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. You can't call the swine flu swine flu anymore. It's now the H1N1 virus. You know why this is? This is true. The pork lobby in Washington lobbied hard to get the name changed because they didn't want people to think you could get sick by eating pork. I mean, bacon will still kill you; you just won't get a runny nose." --Jay Leno

"You know, President Obama went to Denmark to try and get the Olympics for Chicago. They turned him down. He was so upset that they wouldn't give us the Olympics that he had to invite himself to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Isn't that NASA fascinating? I think NASA may be my favorite governmental agency because they're always doing cool stuff. We went to the moon. Remember how cool that was? We now have the International Space Station and the shuttle goes up there regularly. They worked on the Hubble telescope. You know what they want to do now? They're thinking about firing a missile to moon. I thought, oh, great, another war. Do we need that?" --David Letterman

"The cover of Sarah Palin's book has been released. And it features a picture of Palin gazing off into the distance deep in thought. The photographer said that capturing that one moment was the rewarding 11 hours of his career." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation's largest gay rights group. And members of the group are upset that he hasn't kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes his speech shirtless." --Conan O'Brien

"The founder of Cirque du Soleil is currently onboard the international space station. And today, he got all of the other nine astronauts to put on red clown noses. Then the astronauts conducted experiments on the loss of dignity in space." --Conan O'Brien

"Rapper Method Man didn't pay his taxes for three years. Yesterday, he told a judge he forgot to pay, because he was high. And the remarkable thing is that's the one excuse the I.R.S. is totally cool with." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate today about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of the speech was, 'Any Ideas? Because I Got Nothing.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il is now saying that he'll consider talks with the United States if it can help improve our relationship. I'm starting to feel like we're the Jon and Kate of countries." --Jimmy Fallon

"Catholic churches throughout New York City are no longer offering wine at communion to help prevent the spread of swine flu. I like that it took swine flu for people to realize that sharing a cup with hundreds of other New Yorkers is a health risk." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read about this. Apple is withdrawing from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, because the chamber is skeptical of global warming theories. Apple said that it was a tough call to make, but still not as tough as making a call on the iPhone." --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Stewart Pummels Obama For Not Repealing 'Don't Ask Don't Tell'
Letterman: Rush Limbaugh Funnier Without Audio?

Oct. 5, 2009

"I will be honest with you, folks. Right now, I would give anything to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"I got into the car this morning and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me." --David Letterman

"Things are still pretty bad. There's a possibility I'll be the first talk-show host impeached." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Over the weekend, they came up with proof that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I wonder how much they wanted to keep that quiet." --David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad won't be talking about it. He's referring all questions to Rubenstein Communications." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about this? President Obama goes to Denmark and he's trying to get the 2016 Olympics for the great city of Chicago. And he presented his case in a heartfelt manner but they weren't buying it. And boy, do I know what that feels like." --David Letterman

"According to the latest Gallup poll, the group President Obama is most popular with -- you know who it is? Obama is most popular with the Jewish community. The group he's least popular with -- International Olympic Committees." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Obama flew to Denmark, made his pitch. The international committee voted. Chicago finished last, dead last. Well, I guess the committee thought Chicago already had enough amateur athletes with the White Sox and the Cubs." --Jay Leno

"You know what the mistake was? We shouldn't have sent President Obama over there to get the votes. We should have sent Acorn. It would have been a landslide. We would have gotten all the votes, thousands of votes." --Jay Leno

"You know what the saddest part is about Chicago not getting the 2016 Olympics? Former Governor Rod Blagojevich already sold 10 free seats for 100 grand apiece to the opening ceremony." --Jay Leno

"I was sad to see Chicago lose it. Because they had a great mascot. It was Loafy, the 5-pound pork sandwich with legs." --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations. The Obamas celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this past week. The paper said this is the first wedding anniversary Obama is celebrating in the White House. Sadly, it's also the first thing the Obamas have to celebrate since they've been in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Today, at the White House, President Obama met with a group of doctors from every state in the union to press his case for health care reform. It was the biggest gatherings of doctors, I guess, since Dick Cheney had his last staff meeting." --Jay Leno

"Hey, listen to this. According to reports from the Daily Telegraph, Iranian President Mahmoud Amedinejad is part Jewish. He has Jewish ancestry. Well, this is great. You know, he's anti-Semitic. Now he can just kill himself." --Jay Leno

"Well, the latest job numbers are out. The bad news is we have the worst unemployment in 26 years. The good news, that unemployment also includes Jon from 'Jon & Kate.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger said if he comes back to California, there should be no special treatment for Roman Polanski. I think that's what he said. It was that or 'I'm going to Japan to ski.' I don't know what he said." --Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin's new book comes out Nov. 17. A lot of people are surprised they paid Sarah Palin to write a book. Hey, they paid Tom DeLay to dance. Why not pay her to write a book?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama celebrated his 17th wedding anniversary. Isn't that nice? The President celebrated by going out for a romantic candlelit dinner with just his wife and Oprah." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, 'Bush wasn't dumb.' In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for America because three Americans were awarded the Nobel prize for medicine today. Take that, Brazil! Brazil got the 2016 Olympics." --Craig Ferguson

"And starting today, we get the swine flu vaccination. Doctors are set to receive the vaccination first, because they're the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor." --Craig Ferguson

"At the box office this weekend, the movie 'Zombieland' was No. 1. It beat Michael Moore's new documentary. 'Zombieland' and the Michael Moore movie are very different, of course. One has a disgusting, lumbering monster that eats everything in its path, and the other one has zombies." --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Apologizes to His Wife and Staff
Craig Ferguson Defends Letterman
The Daily Show Hits Democrats For Giving Polluters a Free Pass on Cap-And-Trade
Stephen Colbert Lets 5th Grader Argue Against Longer School Hours on Economic Grounds

Oct. 2-3, 2009

"If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you got the wrong studio." --Jay Leno

"What is going on? First, Conan hit his head, then somebody tries to extort from Letterman. I'm so glad I'm out of late night." --Jay Leno

"I want to say I, myself, was once the victim of an extortion plot. How do you think NBC got me to do a 10:00 show? That's why I'm here." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this is such bizarre story. This guy that was trying to blackmail Letterman was at producer for the show '48 Hours.' It could have been worse, at least it wasn't the producer of 'To Catch a Predator.'" --Jay Leno

"I am happy to say I have never had a sexual relationship with any of my staff members." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Rio de Janeiro. They won the bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games. You know, President Obama flew to Denmark, made his pitch personally, but International Olympic Committee voted and Chicago didn't win. Which, hey, I can understand that, it's October, Chicago never wins in October." --Jay Leno

"I know why you're happy tonight. Because after all these months of seeing these tea baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler mustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn't Hitler. Because when Hitler tried to get the Olympics he got it." --Bill Maher

"Hey, you can't say they didn't try from Chicago. They pulled out all the stops. The president went over there, the first lady, Oprah. Even Rod Blagojevich phoned in a bribe." --Bill Maher

"But at the end of the day the International Olympic Committee said -- now, Obama, I'm used to seeing him lose. He can't even get the public options through the Democratic-controlled Senate. But Oprah?" --Bill Maher

 Well, let's be big about it. Congratulations to the citizens of Rio de Janeiro. They spent all day today partying, doing the samba in the streets with the breasts hanging out and then they heard about the Olympics and then they were even more thrilled." --Bill Maher

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented bikini wax? The land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

"That's the difference between Bush and Obama. When Obama bombs in another country, nobody gets killed." --Bill Maher

"You hear about Letterman? I was shocked that Letterman has been having affairs. I had no idea he was even running for office." --Bill Maher

"I just wanted to say, so you know here, I have never had sex with anyone on my staff. The guests, of course, yes. I mean, that's part of the job, but never the staff." --Bill Maher

"At the White House this week they had a marathon strategy session on Afghanistan. It lasted three hours. The media went nuts. They couldn't believe that people spent three hours in one place. Three hours somewhere? Or as the rest of America calls it, a doctor's appointment." --Bill Maher

"Although people in Chicago were disappointed with the decision of the International Olympic Committee, Cubs fans took the news best as they are used to hearing the phrase 'Chicago is eliminated.'" --Seth Meyers

"Iran on Thursday agreed to open its newly-revealed uranium enrichment plant to international inspectors in the next few weeks, and to send most of its enriched uranium to Russia to be turned into fuel. See, nothing to worry about. They're just enriching tons of uranium and sending it to Russia ... wait, what?" --Seth Meyers

"A producer for '48 Hours' was arrested Thursday for attempting a stupid human trick. It was reported that the blackmailer was saying he was going to reveal embarrassing details about Letterman's life. For instance, after sex he would say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'" --Seth Meyers

"At the United Nations Security Council on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton referring to her position as president of the council, said I kind of like being a president. We just had an election last year. You should have said something." --Seth Meyers

"Earlier today, the International Olympic Committee decided the 2016 Olympics are not going to be in Chicago. They're going to be held in Rio de Janeiro. That's where they're going to have the Olympics. Yeah. As a result, the 2016 Olympics will be topless, which is nice."  --Conan O'Brien

"Very interesting times here at NBC, at this network. The latest show business rumor -- it's a big rumor -- is that the Comcast cable company is thinking about buying NBC. Yeah. Comcast says they're interested in NBC because they've decided to get out of the television business." --Conan O'Brien

"Last week, I told a joke about Newark, New Jersey. You may have heard about this. Yeah, I just made an offhanded joke. It was quite a good one, actually, about Newark, New Jersey. And as a result, the mayor has banned me from flying into Newark airport. So, now if I want to go to Newark, I'll just have to get there the same way everyone else does, through a series of poor choices." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has banned federal employees from texting while driving, because he says it's distracting and could lead to accidents. That's what he said, yeah. Obama admitted that he was texting behind the wheel when he picked Joe Biden for vice president." --Conan O'Brien

"Pretty soon, ladies and gentlemen, the former governor of Alaska, you can read her memoir, Sarah Palin's book. It's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' I read it. I was disappointed. Three chapters were devoted to cleaning fish." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman

"The Olympic Committee voted on whether Chicago, Tokyo, Rio or Madrid would host the 2016 Olympics. I don't know if it was rigged or anything, but the winner was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." -Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new book out called "why women have sex" that has a list of 237 reasons why women have sex. And Letterman knows the top ten." --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jay Leno on Letterman's Sextortion Scandal
Bill Maher: More Great Books on Sarah Palin
Bill Maher's New Rules: Republicans and Global Warming

Oct. 1, 2009

"Sarah Palin's new memoir is being published in early November. A lot of revelations in the book, but you probably knew this: During the presidential campaign, Sarah had to cut up John McCain's meat for him." --David Letterman

"President Obama and his lovely wife Michelle are in Copenhagen and they're making a pitch to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Barack Obama is … unusual. I mean, here the guy is on a business trip, with his wife. I mean, what is that?" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people's health is actually better than it was before. Isn't that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, 'You're welcome!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama announced a plan to spend $5 billion on science and cutting-edge medical research, or, as Fox calls that, 'socialism.'" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, experts say this $5 billion project of President Obama's could lead to the development of dozens of life-saving medical treatments that your insurance company could one day turn you down for." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is now in Denmark to lobby for Chicago to be awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. The head of the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, he says that they will not be swayed by the Obama visit. They said they're going to weigh all the bribes, kickbacks, and secret favors equally." --Jay Leno

"Oh, this week on 'Dancing with the Stars,' former Congressman Tom DeLay almost dropped his partner. I guess all those years of lobbyists greasing his palms, apparently he just couldn't … " --Jay Leno

"Oh, and the pre-orders for Sarah Palin's new book on Amazon are huge. It's the No. 1 book on Amazon. I was looking for that section where it says, 'People who bought this book also bought 'Bridge to Nowhere.''" --Jay Leno

"Well, the publisher was impressed that Sarah Palin finished the book four months ahead of schedule. That's not a big deal. She finished her term as governor 18 months ahead of schedule." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is on the road, you guys. His first stop was Geneva, where he held his talks with Iranian diplomats about Iran's nuclear weapons program, or as Iran is saying,- 'What nuclear weapons program?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"But now, Obama is in Copenhagen. He's trying to get the Olympics in Chicago, while Iran is getting ready to nuke the world. This could explain Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'President Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Palin's book is No. 1 on Amazon, it's No. 1 at Barnes and Noble, and it would be on sale at Borders, but she had all of them closed." --Jimmy Fallon

"I thought this was nice. Out of good sportsmanship, the foreword was written by a moose." --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
David Letterman Reveals Extortion Plot Over His Affairs
Daily Show: Obama's Olympic Bid
Daily Show: Tea Partiers Give Advice to G20 Protesters

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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