See Also: Obama Scandal Jokes

Latest Late-Night Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

May 15, 2013

"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman

"They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman

"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." –Jay Leno

"A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent." –Jay Leno

"This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno '

"The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." –Conan O'Brien

"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien

"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien

More Political Humor:
• Popular Late-Night Jokes
• Best Jon Stewart Quotes
• Best Stephen Colbert Quotes

May 14, 2013

"The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up." –Jay Leno

"Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it." –Jay Leno

"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, 'We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman

May 13, 2013

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that." –Jay Leno

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

"On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, 'Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon Stewart on the IRS scandal

"This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the tinfoil behatted to the government." –Jon Stewart

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

May 10, 2013

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is." –Bill Maher

"They want so bad to find a smoking fun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking fun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher

"President Obama was down in Texas on his 'Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.' Don't confuse that with his first term. That was the 'Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.'" –Jay Leno

"While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to 'Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, 'Uh — the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery." –David Letterman

May 9, 2013

"President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?" –Jay Leno

"The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing." –David letterman

"NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane." –David letterman

"I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark." –David letterman

"Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?" –Conan O'Brien

May 8, 2013

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

"New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

"According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green." –Jay Leno

"My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford." –Stephen Colbert on his sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch's failed congressional bid

"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry about him." –Stephen Colbert

"In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware." –Jimmy Fallon

May 7, 2013

"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I'll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, 'She's having a little fun being a private citizen.' And then he added, 'Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman

"The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" –David Letterman

"Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea's 'Iron Lady.' Or as Biden put it, 'Can you introduce me to Iron Man?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He's the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig Ferguson

"Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what's in it, and it's going to be explosive. It's the Taco Bell of breaking news." –Stephen Colbert on the House hearings on Benghazi

May 6, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him 'practice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: 'National Parks: Nobody Knows You're Drinking in Here.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for 'Pretend you've never heard the name Gorge W. Bush." –Conan O'Brien

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything is possible." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, 'I dare you to do better' — to which the students yelled back, 'No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'" –Jay Leno

"Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans." –Jay Leno

"If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting." --Stephen Colbert, mocking the conspiracy theory that the government is buying bullets

May 3-4, 2013

"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments." –Bill Maher

"A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone."–Bill Maher

"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises." –Bill Maher

"Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say "if you see something, say something," they don't mean TO the terrorist." –Seth Meyers

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon

May 2, 2013

"A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." –Stephen Colbert

"Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants." –David Letterman

"Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She's getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn't that insider dating?" –David Letterman

"President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that's how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country." –Jay Leno

"While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they've got it down. That's like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president." –Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it's serious. His bail was set at 200 goats." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, 'Uh, I'm president, aren't I?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike. Fox News reports the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far to the left." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event— 'Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters." –Conan O'Brien

"That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS." –Conan O'Brien

May 1, 2013

"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden's plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, 'No rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, 'Give me your lunch money,' students are like, 'Here, take it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers' Plan B was getting a show on MTV." –Jimmy Fallon

"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen Colbert

"Good news. Scientists find two distant planets that may have life. Just in time too since China's almost tapped out as a lender." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan – including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I'm sorry. That's what we did here. I had it backwards." –Jay Leno

"Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?" –Jay Leno

"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"Folks, it seems these days every time you turn on the news, there's another heartbreaking story about victims of gun violence targeting innocent members of Congress. It has to end. And I know I'm not going to win any awards for saying that. Unless the NRA gives out awards. They do? Oh, it's a seat in the Senate. Great." –Stephen Colbert

April 30, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster Video." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence." –Jay Leno

"There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty." –Jay Leno

"New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, 'Because I would crush him.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet because they're busy high fiving everyone they know." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news." –Jimmy Fallon

"Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I don't know." –Stephen Colbert

April 29, 2013

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay – while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore." –Jimmy Fallon

"Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, 'Hello!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, 'I don't know what's been tougher on my family, announcing I'm gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a trend now of prison inmates reviewing their prison on Yelp. The downside is that people are now committing crimes just to get the amazing fish tacos at Rikers Island." –Conan O'Brien

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won't have any illegitimate kids." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She's the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, 'Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.' Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress." –David Letterman

"They are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. Although you do get your standard restaurant gripes, like 'service took forever, was there for 25 years." –Stephen Colbert

"We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing f**ktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first." –Jon Stewart (share this on Facebook)

April 26, 2013

"They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas." –Bill Maher

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher

"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.' Enough? How about at least one too many." –Bill Maher

"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it." –Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher

"[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?" –Bill Maher

"The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle, a boat, that was on land." –Bill Maher on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise." – Bill Maher on Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." –Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don't want to do! It's all yours. Thank you." –Jay Leno

"The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that's Ok." –Jay Leno

"Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don't even remember what the old one looked like, all right?" –Jay Leno

"A new poll found that former congressman Anthony Weiner only has a 15 percent chance of winning the race for New York City mayor. Although in his defense, he's a grower not a shower." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's not a federal holiday but today you're supposed to take your son or daughter to work. For a lot of people it's take your son or daughter to where you used to work. In China, kids take their parents to work." –David Letterman

April 25, 2013

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library

"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!" –Jay Leno

"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him." –Jay Leno

"There's a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama's clothes. Not only that — there's another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton's clothes." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking." –Jimmy Fallon

"The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin's hair is real. You can comb it and everything." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 24, 2013

"All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the 'Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.'" –Jay Leno

"A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it's better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what the worst job in America is? It's newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at Dodger Stadium how things are going for him."-Jimmy Kimmel

"It was dubbed the worst job because it's high stress, low pay, and often requires working in dangerous conditions. This must have been a fun story for the newspaper reporters to report. 'Hey guys, guess what? Our lives stink.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 22-23, 2013

"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president." –Jay Leno

"U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It's a condition we know as 'Kardashianism.'" –Jay Leno

"Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, 'Wait a minute, the real news isn't bad enough? Now we're making up bad news?'" –David Letterman

"According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there's hope for me!" –David Letterman

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar." –David Letterman

"Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital." –Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers

"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

April 19, 2013

"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill Maher on the Boston bombers

"Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation." –Bill Maher

"The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama… believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He's been apprehended, he's facing jail time, and he's leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016." –Bill Maher

"After a very difficult week, it's good to know that bad guys don't get away with it. We caught the Ricin guy. We caught the bombers. This is a powerful message from our government; we will not be intimidated by bombs, we will not be intimidated by poison. This is America. If you are a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun." –Bill Maher

"90 percent of people support background checks, which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks." –Bill Maher

"Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math, they're going to be pissed." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the senators are saying off the record that the reason they couldn't vote for any sort of gun bill is that they couldn't go back to their district in this year after we've dealt with gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say Obama is coming for your deep fryer." –Bill Maher

April 15-17, 2013

Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing:

"Whoever did this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims — a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on. It is the cradle of the American revolution. A city that withstood an 86-year losing streak. A city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years — I mean, there are commuters just getting home now. Even their bands are tough. It's the hometown of Aerosmith, who are, in their fifth decade, still going strong. Even Steven Tyler looks fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman.

"But here is what these cowards really don't get. They attacked the Boston Marathon. An event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples are raw for fun. And they have been holding it in Boston since 1897. And do you know how tough you have to be to run in a whalebone corset? And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood.

"So here's what I know. These maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are."

Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing:

"Once again, having to start under horrific events here in this country. I really hate the fact that I can cross-reference my thoughts to so many other events that have occurred over the years — so I'm not going to. I'm just going to say this to Boston: Thank you. Thank you for once again, in the face of gross inhumanity, inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country.

"So thank you for everything you've done. It's a quite a little city you've got going on up there. And New Yorkers and Boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition. Often, the two cities accusing each other of various levels of suckitude. But it is in situations like this that we realize it is clearly a sibling rivalry, and that we are your brothers and sisters in this type of event. As a city that knows the feeling of confusion, anger, and grief, and chaos that comes with these events, I can tell you from personal experience: You've got a hell of a city going on, and you've done an incredible job in the face of all this. Thank you."

Latest Jokes:

"President Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, 'If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?" –Conan O'Brien

'Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It's not a good sign when the friend who's trying to explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That's not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.' –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you're an FBI informant." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country's founder. He famously said, 'Let's have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It's a deadly poison made from beans. They said it's the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it's from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he's bipartisan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 12, 2013

"Stop buying the hype about North Korea. … Think about it -- Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon." –Bill Maher

"I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it's always a spectacular disaster. He's the only Asian in the world that doesn't test well." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to gun control." –Bill Maher

"Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?'" –Bill Maher

"Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution...unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea." –Bill Maher

"A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside, lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom." –Bill Maher

"Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It's like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac." –Bill Maher

"Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?" –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan said today, 'We don't want a country where abortion is simply outlawed, we want a country where it isn't even considered.' Really, Paul? That's not what your mom told me." –Bill Maher

"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram." –Bill Maher

"Margaret Thatcher died on Monday. Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she said Charles can be king." –Bill Maher

"Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. " –Jimmy Fallon

"It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, 'Stop helping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad." –Jimmy Fallon

"Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, 'Si.'" –Jay Leno

April 11, 2013

"Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything." –Jay Leno

"North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You're five years too late." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan." –Jay Leno

"A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation's drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws – it's always the people you least expect." –Jay Leno

"On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It's being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It's true. That thing on his head is pregnant." –Craig Ferguson

"The South Korean pop star Psy of 'Gangnam Style' fame just announced that he'll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North Korea said, 'Now they're really asking for it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

April 10, 2013

"After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them." –Stephen Colbert

"I, for one, think Weiner would be a great New York City mayor. For one thing, we wouldn't have to worry about a soda ban because we've all seen that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup." –Stephen Colbert

"I believe the time is right. Anthony wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: 'There was definitely a douchiness about him I don't see anymore.' I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: 'Anthony Weiner, now less douchey.'" –Stephen Colbert

"That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner's brother pointed out, 'No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.' And we all know how hard he can be on himself." –Stephen Colbert

"Former Rep. Anthony Weiner? Remember him? He famously tweeted lewd photos of himself. He says he wants people to give him a second chance. Not in politics, but on Instagram." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he's considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I'm sure that he'll provide some stiff competition." –Jimmy Fallon

"Come on, he's the total package. I don't want to be too hard on him. I don't have a bone to pick with that guy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, 'Yeah, that's how you know it's good.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He's now thinking of running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and hard about this." –Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal said that Mr. Weiner didn't respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn't email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!" –Jay Leno

"It's starting to get serious – China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, 'Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.'" –Jay Leno

"Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate." –Jay Leno

"South Korean officials today say they're highly confident that North Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 9, 2013

"This week on the 'Today' show, Chelsea Clinton said she's open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, 'Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical 'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, 'Whoa, easy on the tequila.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them." –Craig Ferguson

"This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since 'Gangnam Style.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC." –Craig Ferguson

"I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I'm really glad we had this time together." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don't vote for him in next week's election. Today Mitt Romney said, 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we're cursed no matter who we vote for." –Jay Leno

"It was this day in 1967 that Russia sold Alaska to the United States for 2 cents an acre. You know why they sold us so cheaply? Just to get rid of the Palins." –Jay Leno

April 8, 2013

"President Obama is in trouble for saying that California Attorney General Kamala Harris is good looking. When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, 'That guy is out of control." –Conan O'Brien

"Because Obama said California Attorney General Kamala Harris was attractive, people are calling his remark sexist. Now the President is overcompensating and trying to balance it out. Today he said Attorney General Eric Holder has a great ass." –Jay Leno

"Here's something I didn't know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden's lunch always comes with a toy." –Jay Leno

"Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I'm sorry, that's not Kim Jong Un. That's Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused." –Jay Leno

"There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts – except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Though in fairness, it'll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on 'Celebrity Apprentice.' I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman – and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un." –Jimmy Fallon

April 5, 2013

"North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California's Kamala Harris, quote, 'the best-looking attorney general in the country.' Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, 'Well, here's another one: What's black and white and sleeps on the couch?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle." –Jimmy Fallon

"While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California's attorney general, Kamala Harris, 'the best-looking attorney general ever.' after the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the president from first lady Michelle." –Jay Leno

"Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it's Joe's job to say stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House." –Jay Leno

"We have a guy here in New York City who wanted to be mayor so he's trying to bribe his way on to the ballot, laying out big, big money. And the scandal involves three Republicans and two Democrats. Finally, some bipartisanship!" –David Letterman
 
"Everybody's excited about college basketball's tournament. You know who is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner." –David Letterman

April 4, 2013

"Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don't send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship." –Jay Leno

"This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, 'You can map mine for a lot less.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Right now there are two Kims in the news. There's Kim Jong-Un, who's the leader of North Korea, and then there's Kim Kardaishian, the reality star who's having a baby with Kanye West. It can be kind of tough to keep track of who's who. Kim Kardashian's life is like a roller coaster; Kim Jong-Un isn't tall enough to ride one. Kim Kardashian's favorite movie is called Failure to Launch; Kim Jong-Un's nuclear program is called Failure to Launch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan's program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, 'It's amazing that this information didn't leak out earlier.'" –David Letterman

"Jay, for leaving 'The Tonight Show' for the second time, gets $15 million. It's the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It's the same deal the old Pope got." –David Letterman

"Yesterday NBC announced Jay's retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don't have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that's what Fallon ought to be worried about." –David Letterman

"They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to 'The Tonight Show.' They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host 'The Tonight Show.' I have not hosted 'The Tonight Show' longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?" –David Letterman

"It seems like every single day, President Obama finds a new way to waste our tax dollars. I mean, two daughters? Seems a little redundant." –Stephen Colbert

April 3, 2013

"Folks, I've got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again." –Jay Leno

"I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He's going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We've all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place – now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don't let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you." –Jay Leno

"Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn't even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he's looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for." –Jay Leno

"Welcome to the show, everybody. This is 'Late Night With Jimmy Fallon' — for now." –Jimmy Fallon

"You've probably heard the news. I'm going to be taking over for 'The Tonight Show' next February. But don't worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush's library this month. Apparently there's still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, 'Don't look at me, I'm still cleaning up your last mess.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again.'" –David Letterman

"Didn't we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It's crazy. He's being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman

"But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno's departure. No mention of his official date of return, however." –David Letterman

"The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called 'Irony.gov.'" –David Letterman

"Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 2, 2013

"The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant.' That is out. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented Democrat.'" –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn how to shoot.'" –Jimmy Fallon
 
"President Obama went only two for 22. It's tough times for Obama – one minute, he's asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he's asking them to lower the hoop." –Jimmy Fallon

April 1, 2013

"The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was 'Be healthy, be active, be you.' They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. 'I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, 'Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen." –Jay Leno

"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting." –Jay Leno

"According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That's not unusual." –Jay Leno

"Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude." –Stephen Colbert

"I've never been a fan of Earth Day and it's hippie dippy Kumbaya orgy of drum-circle-jerks." –Stephen Colbert

"Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor." –Stephen Colbert

"Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!" –Stephen Colbert

March 28, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, 'Ehh, maybe not.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn't email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there's literally no other way she'll get the message." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, 'Can't believe I'm doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?" –Jay Leno

"Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey." –Jay Leno

March 27, 2013

"Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy campaigning for open marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially come out as a lesbian." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey." –Conan O'Brien

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts." –Jay Leno

"Last year at Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep." –David Letterman

"Last year there was some trouble at the White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy." –David Letterman

"The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman." –David Letterman

"I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when 'Gay Divorce Court' hits the air. That's how I'll be spending my days." –David Letterman

"Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, 'Any of you ladies want to write it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they're a late-night host on NBC." –Jimmy Fallon

March 26, 2013

"A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding." –Stephen Colbert

"Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that's why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, 'Hey, I thought we were Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

"Last year the expenses of the living exp residents cost us taxpayers almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions and Bill Clinton's party bus." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I'm wearing a robe." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much 'not done' at home as they get 'not done' in Washington." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter." –Jay Leno
 
"Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, 'It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life." –Jon Stewart

March 25, 2013

"The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for the government." –David Letterman

"New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit." –David Letterman

"John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel's relationship with pork." –Conan O'Brien

"The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance." –Stephen Colbert

"Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise."  –Stephen Colbert

March 21-22, 2013

"According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level." –Jay Leno

"There's a big controversy with the History Channel's mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn't the first time the president's been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele 'Nutball' Bachmann back in the news. She has attacked what she calls the Obamas' lavish White House lifestyle. She says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker. That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free." –Jay Leno

"Well, after losing two presidential elections in a row, the Republican Party has outlined a plan to attract minorities. It's called 'Operation Pretend We Like 'Em.'" –Jay Leno

"The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote." –Jimmy Fallon

March 20, 2013

"President Obama filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: 'Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win." –Jimmy Fallon

"A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, 'That's your Plan A?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do 'Jurassic Park'-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's hope for NBC. It could turn around." –Jay Leno

March 19, 2013

"A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser." –Jay Leno

"She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year." –Jay Leno

"The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They'll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course." –David Letterman

"The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, "Who do you think's going to build that path?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night on 'The Tonight Show,' during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives 'snakes.' The response came quickly. 'Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far,' responded the snakes." –Craig Ferguson

March 18, 2013

"Have you been watching 'The Bible'? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, 'If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.'" –David Letterman (share this joke on Facebook)

"The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's 'The Bible' looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, 'How can you do that to Satan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of Vogue magazine. And also look for President Obama next month on the cover of The Economist. It's their annual April Fools issue." –Jay Leno

"To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water." –Jay Leno

"You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton came out today in support of gay marriage. Now she faces her greatest challenge yet – getting her husband to support straight marriage." –Craig Ferguson

March 15, 2013

"Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class." –Bill Maher

"They had a panel discussion at CPAC called 'Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You're Not One?' Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck." –Bill Maher

"U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called 'Microsoft Windows.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC." –Jay Leno

"You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship." –Jay Leno

"Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won't try to board them now." –Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." –David Letterman

"We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night." –David Letterman

"Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes." –David Letterman

"Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business." –Craig Ferguson

"Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the 'Egyptian Taylor Swift.'" –Craig Ferguson

"After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson

March 14, 2013

"As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs." –Jay Leno

"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

"Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: 'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of the bouncer for Heaven." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy." –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble." –David Letterman

"The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote." –David Letterman

"It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis." –David Letterman

"It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn't that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.' –Conan O'Brien

March 13, 2013

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien

“The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you're saying to yourself, 'Boy, that name sounds familiar,' you're right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.” –David Letterman

“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope." –David Letterman

“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.” –Jay Leno

“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.” –Jay Leno

“But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on ‘The View.’” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.” –Jay Leno

“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo.’” –Craig Ferguson

“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.” –Craig Ferguson

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.” –Craig Ferguson

March 12, 2013

“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who's still trying to figure out how the ballots work.” –Jimmy Fallon

"In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” –David Letterman

“The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they're drawn out. It's the same thing they do for the Vatican's Secret Santa.” –David Letterman

“The Pope has more than one designation. He's also the bishop of Rome. He's also known as the pontiff. And here's what I didn't know. He's also known as Diddy.” –David Letterman

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek.’” –Craig Ferguson

“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” –Craig Ferguson

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” –Craig Ferguson

“How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.” –Craig Ferguson

“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.” –Conan O’Brien

“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don't have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any "Walking Dead" spoilers.” –Conan O’Brien

March 11, 2013

“In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.” –Jay Leno

“Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's nice of him to step in and fill that.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said "Wait, why am I still taking the train?’” –Conan O’Brien

“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien

“Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.” –Conan O’Brien

“The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.” –Conan O’Brien

“North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!” –David Letterman

“When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.” –David Letterman

March 8, 2013

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” –Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher

“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did Dennis Rodman say?!’” –Bill Maher

“Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant; like a date, and he picked up the tab…he put down the White House credit card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied.” –Bill Maher

“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” –Bill Maher

“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first.” –Bill Maher

“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever…they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” –Bill Maher

“A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said ‘girlfriend, who doesn’t.’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – f*** you. A one-million dollar hybrid - that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer's market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” –Bill Maher

“If seeing this nice lady (Michelle Obama) on TV saying she likes the movies, or nutrition, or exercise fills you with rage, get help.” –Bill Maher (Share this on Facebook)

“The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.” –Seth Meyers

March 7, 2013

"President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.'" –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?" –Conan O'Brien

"Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store." –Conan O'Brien

"All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's drones?" –Craig Ferguson

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of 'Footloose'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 6, 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He's a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don't like. Chavez was, too." –Craig Ferguson

"The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

March 5, 2013

"A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it's being called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans want it cut down to 2." –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food." –Conan O'Brien

"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It is Election Day. We're going for a new mayor. At one point, our mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our community, want to hang around with the mayor?" –Craig Ferguson

"It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show.'" –Craig Ferguson

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

"Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from 'The Daily Show.' We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela." – Stephen Colbert

March 4, 2013

"In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy." –Conan O'Brien

"The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate." –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell l to be his budget director. The President says he's excited by her experience at Wal-Mart. Sylvia Burwell said she's excited to be making more than $9.85 per hour." –Conan O'Brien

“Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” –Stephen Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe

"President Obama's half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He's a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don't know much about the half-brother." –Craig Ferguson

"The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 1-2, 2013

"I don't have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo." –Bill Maher

"The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one." –Bill Maher

"They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher

"This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your refrigerator to blow up if you open the door." –Bill Maher on the sequester

"New Rule: Now that it's been announced that former Pope John Ratzinger will no longer wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall?" –Bill Maher

"Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we're in this situation in the first place?" –Jay Leno

"The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off." –Jay Leno

"At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He's not doing anything." –Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years as Pontiff. - - revealing an incredible case of hat hair." –Seth Meyers

"After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few months, I’m guessing, trying to kill James Bond?" –Seth Meyers

"Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 28, 2013

"We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes – or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure." –Conan O'Brien

"These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, 'Among you is the future Pope.' And then he said, 'Now enter The Octagon.' They're going to fight it out with holy relics." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in." –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back. " –Craig Ferguson

"He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters." –Craig Ferguson

"In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He'll say, 'Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You're not going to the Vatican.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, 'Catch ya later.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k)." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot's license, but never got a driver's license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can't drive a car — just like Jesus before him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There's a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: 'Yes, We Vati-can.'" –Jay Leno

Feb. 27, 2013

"Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror." –Stephen Colbert

"The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's into remote controlled planes." –Stephen Colbert

"Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select." –Stephen Colbert

"John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton." –Stephen Colbert

"Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you're really screwed." –Jimmy Fallon

"This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it." –Jay Leno

"In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week that after four years as president, 'you realize all the mistakes you've made.' so apparently he DOES watch Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, 'You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis." –Conan O'Brien

"It's tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, 'Are you sure you weren't tailed?'" –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise." –David Letterman

"Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections." –Craig Ferguson

"All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians." –Craig Ferguson

"Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from 'Saturday Night Live'? Yeah." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State John Kerry"

10. Portuguam
9. Galifiankistan
8. Uncle Artica
7. Costa Regis
6. Equatorial Vinnie
5. Guayaguay
4. Greece 2
3. Belize Navidad
2. Bangjohntesh
1. Cameroon Diaz

Feb. 26, 2013

"In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey. Remember he got in trouble for cavorting with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic? Now a professional East Coast escort has come forward and she says she had a sexual arrangement with him and other politicians as well. See, in Washington that arrangement is known as 'quid pro ho.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the 'Sports Illustrated' pants suit issue." –David Letterman

"The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers." –David Letterman

"The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy." –David Letterman

"Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that." –David Letterman

 "Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep." –Conan O'Brien

"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen Colbert

"My church has had some problems. Yes, money was molested. Yes, children were laundered." –Stephen Colbert on the Catholic Church

"Our heroic drones have so rattled Al Qaeda, its leaders are distributing a 22-point tip sheet on how to avoid them. Like tip number 12: 'Maintain complete silence of all wireless contacts.' Here's a pro-tip: switch to AT&T. No one will ever find you!" -–Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Pope Benedict Achievements"

10. Invented the vibrating desk
9. Designs new summer line of papal vestments
8. Announces Vatican's Two-For-One Lobster Tuesdays
7. Invents rechargeable pope hat
6. Departs St. Peter's Square via jetpack
5. Makes historic trip to Mexico
4. Serves as judge on "Vatican City's Got Talent"
3. Releases best-selling iPad app, "Angry Popes"
2. Hosts his own game show
1. Performs first miracle: Turning bread into toast

Feb. 25, 2013

"Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"Big winner last night was 'Life of Pi,' a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of 'The Hangover 3.'" –Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs." –David Letterman

"The entire cast of 'Les Miserables' performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of 'Zero Dark Thirty' put it, 'Now this is torture.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Unlike Jesus, with my book, you don't have to wait a thousand years for the second edition." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 22, 2013

"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, 'Do you think that I could pull off bangs?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit."'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s a good one: Don't join al-Qaida." –Jay Leno

"A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets." –Jay Leno

Watch: Michelle Obama Teaches Jimmy Fallon How to Mom-Dance

Feb. 21, 2013

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something, it'll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring Lance Armstrong." –Craig Ferguson

"It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State's graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He's currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty' contains a lot of errors. They were like, 'The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance – but in real life, it's WAY worse than that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After the success of his book, 'Killing Lincoln,' Bill O'Reilly is coming out with a new book called 'Killing Jesus.' He's going to be disappointed when he finds out there's already a book about that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican." –Stephen Colbert

"The fact that these organizations don't exist only makes it more suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them ... President Obama, withdraw Hagel's nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate Republicans -- another group that doesn't exist." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 20, 2013

"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'?" –Jay Leno

"Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he's right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time." –Jay Leno

"There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China." –Jimmy Fallon

"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're going to miss Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman

"They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa." –David Letterman

"It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads 'Will Pope for food.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans." –Conan O'Brien

Feb. 19, 2013

"Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages." –Jay Leno

"The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you're the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you're at Denny's blowing on your soup." –David Letterman

"Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son." –David Letterman

"This is about transparency, about a free press holding our leader accountable. I mean it's one thing to keep us in the dark about a fleet of flying robo-assassins. but a round of golf on your day off? Where's the judicial oversight?" -- Stephen Colbert

"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt." -- Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"

10. "How about you and I form a more perfect union?"
9. "Who wants to touch my beard?"
8. "Daniel-Day Lewis wishes he looked this good"
7. "Is it true Bloomberg outlawed hats over 16 ounces?"
6. "Damn, girl, you make Mary Todd look like Ulysses S. Grant"
5. (Holding $5 bill next to face) "Does the $5 bill make me look fat?"
4. "Wow, I thought my clothing was outdated"
3. "It's Presidents' Day, how 'bout a hug?"
2. "Hey, where's my idiot son, Abraham W. Lincoln?"
1. "Hey, jackass, you gonna thank me for the day off?"

Feb. 18, 2013

 "Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off." –Craig Ferguson

"Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials." –Craig Ferguson

"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House's immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it 'dead on arrival.' That incidentally is also Florida's state motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, 'No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever." –Jay Leno

"The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place." –Jay Leno

"Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers" –David Letterman
"The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling ranch, the Pope-arosa." –David Letterman

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 14-16, 2013

"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant." –Bill Maher

"After Obama's speech, the Cuban guy in the Republican Party reached for a bottle of water, and he looked like a mime stuck in a box." –Bill Maher on Sen. Marco Rubio's water break during the Republican response to the State of the Union

"Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

"Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages -- a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now." –Bill Maher

"February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we're going to have a period where there's no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cottonmouth. Plus, the next time Rubio panders to Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of a speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose." –Bill Maher

"Senators John McCain and Lindsay Graham this week said they would not proceed with the nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense until the Obama Administration provided more information about last year’s Benghazi attack. Then, and only then, will they return to their balcony seats on the Muppet Show.'" –Seth Meyers

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

"Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period." –Stephen Colbert

"I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional." –Stephen Colbert

"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –SStephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Going Through Marco Rubio's Mind At This Moment"

10. "Smooth"
9. "Doctors say you should drink eight glasses of water every speech"
8. "I think I look pretty cool drinking out of a tiny bottle"
7. "Laugh all you want--Poland Spring just paid me a million damn dollars"
6. "This would be a great closer for my ventriloquist act"
5. "That looked presidential, right?"
4. "I'm sure they'll edit this part out"
3. "OMG, I asked for sparkling water"
2. "Marco Rubio needs his throato lubio"
1. "By 2016, won't America want a stooge back in the White House?"

Feb. 13, 2013

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need 'Biggie' fries to have regular-sized fries." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, 'Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, 'Beats the finger I usually get!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about." –Jay Leno

"The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water." –Jay Leno
"Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?" –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job." –Jay Leno

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

"Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You'd Make a Bad Pope"

10. Typically spend Sundays disabled by a hangover
9. Religion isn't really your thing
8. You pronounce the "P" in "Psalms"
7. Last time God spoke to you, he told you to stay out of church
6. Know nothing about Vatican, know a lot about Vicodin
5. You think "Papal" in an online payment website
4. Only want the job as an excuse to avoid sex with your wife
3. In times of trouble, ask yourself, "What would Keith Richards do?"
2. Your most recent prayer: "Dear God, don't let it be herpes"
1. Even Jesus thinks you're a stooge

Feb. 12, 2013

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'our black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate." –David Letterman

"With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013." –Jimmy Fallon
 
"Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well, it's because Washington was famous for saying, 'I cannot tell a lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a 'You don't have a clue' problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up 'being Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to 'Inception,' isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, 'Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!' If we're really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?" –Jay Leno

"This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of 'Hail to the Chief,' they played 'Hey, Big Spender.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pope is resigning. I just hope it's not steroids." –Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys." –Jay Leno

"Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party." –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 11, 2013

"Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, 'Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, 'No.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno

"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno

"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno "Pope Benedict announced he's retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day." –Conan O'Brien

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." –David Letterman

"The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids." –David Letterman

"The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work." –David Letterman

"The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place." –Craig Ferguson

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 7, 2013

"Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called 'Ready for Hillary.' And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called 'Bracing for Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, 'It's not my thing.' Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams." –David Letterman

"Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner." –Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism." –Jay Leno

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

Feb. 6, 2013

"It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It's pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked: 'We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy." –Jay Leno

"This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com." –Jay Leno

"Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?" –Jay Leno

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

Feb. 5, 2013

"People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill." –Jay Leno

"A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate." –Conan O'Brien

"The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney." –David Letterman

"The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it's also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 4, 2013

"Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republican say that New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. And Menendez is in big trouble because as you know it is a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent." –Jay Leno

"A new study just came out and it reveals that straight me who watch porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found that straight men who don't watch porn are lying." –Conan O'Brien

"Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans." –Stephen Colbert, on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP

"Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year's game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill." –Jimmy Fallon

"The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened." –Jimmy Fallon

"The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don't experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party." –Jimmy Fallon

"A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday." –David Letterman

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, 'Flight's on us! No problem. We've got everything covered.'" –Jay Leno

Feb. 1, 2013

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher

"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone." –Bill Maher

"I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries." –Bill Maher

"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants." –Bill Maher

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

"This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call it, February." –Bill Maher

"Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher (Share this joke on Facebook)

"Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing." –Jay Leno

"I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about." –Jay Leno

"Here's some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those researchers put it, 'Man, high school never ends, does it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him." –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 31, 2013

"In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches." –Jay Leno

"A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, 'a tunnel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert

Jon Stewart, skewering Obama's opponents with a Dr. Seuss-like poem, "Oh, the People Who Hate You!":
"They do not like you Barack Obama,
Whether on a train a, plane, or llama.
They do not like you shooting skeet,
They do not like you eating meat.
They do not like you drinking beer,
or even if you roped a steer.
They won't like you with the monster trucks,
because, young man, they do not give a f**k.
They do not like you when you pray,
They did not like you anti-gay.
They do not like you cutting tax,
They could not stand when you wore your mommy slacks.
You cannot reach across the aisle,
'Cause everything you do is vile.
They complained when you killed Osama!
So on a train, a plane, or a llama,
Rolling a 44 at Bowl-O-Rama,
Despite your nice white Kansas mama,
comma,
they do not like you, Barack Obama.” (Share this on Facebook)

Jan. 30, 2013

"Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, 'Stop bragging!'" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling." –Jay Leno

"We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit." –David Letterman

Jan. 29, 2013

"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't." –Jay Leno

"According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on obesity is President Obama's economic policy." –Jay Leno

"'60 Minutes' anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday's interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn't have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn't the amount of time he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, 'You know we're already citizens, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 28, 2013

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on '60 Minutes' for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon

"If I seem a little woozy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses." –David Letterman

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman

"The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as 'lucky.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive." –Conan O'Brien

"The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email." –Craig Ferguson

Jan. 25-26, 2013

"Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him." –Bill Maher, on Beyonce possibly lip-syncing at the Inauguration

"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher

"The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: The media must give President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016 presidential race. They’re already speculating about Biden and Hillary. Come on, even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And why is she America's sweetheart? She's 17 and she's gone out with more men than Joan Crawford." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill Maher

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills." –Seth Meyers

“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s historic 'I Have A Dream' speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s 'I had the weirdest dream' speech. Guess which one was longer.” –Seth Meyers

Jan. 24, 2013

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay Leno

"Women can now serve on the front lines in combat. I believe up until now, the only woman who had ever seen action under a general was of course Paula Broadwell." –Jay Leno

"A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean." –Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was grilled by Congressmen about the attack on Benghazi. Then out of habit she grilled them about where they were last night, and who's this Megan?" –Conan O'Brien

Jan. 23, 2013

"There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce." –Conan O'Brien

"Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry!" –Stephen Colbert

"Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror." –Jay Leno

Jan. 22, 2013

"I'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. First off, where was security? The Secret Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo, Malia." –Stephen Colbert

"Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen Colbert

"At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans." –Conan O'Brien

"Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they're organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan." –Conan O'Brien

"On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama's first inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie." –Jay Leno

"The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money." –Jay Leno

"The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office." –Jay Leno

"More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new haircut." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 21, 2013

"Today's inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ''Whoever designed that thing must have been pretty gay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration." –Conan O'Brien

"During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I do.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In his inaugural address, President Obama said America's possibilities are limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, 'That's what I used to think." –Conan O'Brien

"There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 19, 2013

"It was reported that President Obama's 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea." –Seth Meyers

"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers

"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers

"During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike." –Seth Meyers

"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 17-18, 2013

"The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'" –Bill Maher

"If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns." -–Bill Maher, referring to the first lady's arm muscles

"Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer." –Bill Maher

"I guess that's just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school." –Bill Maher

"The best advertisement for torture is not Dick Cheney and people like that who support it, it is Hollywood. At the Golden Globes, it's movies. Ben Affleck won for playing a CIA officer, Claire Danes won for playing a CIA officer, Jessica Chastain won for playing a CIA officer and of course, Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin, a master of counter intelligence." –Bill Maher

"I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, 'Download complete!' (Which is ALSO what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, this week was the season premiere of 'American Idol.' And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don't really want -- or as Republicans call that, 'the Romney plan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without 'em.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she'd like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don't worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno

"Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover – an American flag!" –Craig Ferguson

Jan. 16, 2013

"On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-AT ceremony for President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"The beginning of the movie 'Lincoln' has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, 'I would have preferred a different ENDING.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said this week that he wants to find a 'pathway for citizenship' for immigrants in the United States. Don't we have that? It's called the Rio Grande river." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"The director of 'Zero Dark Thirty' has come out against torture. And the director of 'Lincoln' has come out against going to the theater in 1865." –Conan O'Brien

"It's reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually how we got bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time." –Conan O'Brien

Jan. 15, 2013

"President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. 'is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, 'By the way, if China calls, I'm not here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan O'Brien

"Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planet-destroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy." –Jay Leno

Jan. 14, 2013

"Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican." –Jay Leno

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?" –Jay Leno

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, 'All right, fine, I am a Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

"The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, 'I'm going to need a raise.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve – which is how 'The Lord of the Rings' starts, isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn't it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 11, 2013

"President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?" –Jay Leno

"U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables." –Jay Leno

"Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?" –Jay Leno

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio." –David Letterman

"Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby." –David Letterman

"Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all the time." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 10, 2013

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. 'Lincoln' leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first – not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing." –Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama's second inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' The idea is to get our minds off of America's present." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien

"Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln' received 12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for best hat." –David Letterman

"The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. 'Lincoln' earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for 'Lincoln.' I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, 'What is a movie?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, 'You guys know I'll be there, too, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, 'You are very handsome' and 'Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 9, 2013

"The White House announced that the theme for President Obama's inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy, '1600 Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'Why's everyone looking at me?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie said to his fork, 'Shut up or I'm going to switch to my friend — spoon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called 'Cinco de Career-o.'" –Jay Leno

"The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?" –Jay Leno

"Make no mistake -- they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns." –Stephen Colbert

"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays." –Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools

Jan. 8, 2013

"A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback." –Conan O'Brien

"We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin." –David Letterman

"You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film." –David Letterman

"To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship." –Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler."

Jan. 7, 2013

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection." –Conan O'Brien

"Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the president is telling Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?" –David Letterman

"Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn't a real place." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn't we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'?" –Jay Leno

"What do you put on a trillion dollar coin? On the tail side obviously a bald eagle breathing fire while making love to the American flag. What is on the heads? Obama? Boehner? I'll tell what you it should be, those Charmin bears – because when you pull an idea like this out of your ass, you're going to need something soft." –Stephen Colbert

Jon Stewart to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane Sandy aid: "If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f**ked for the next few years. And I’m not saying you're responsible for all the problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder to fix."

Jan. 2-4, 2013

"This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away – while there are still some rich Americans left." –Jay Leno

"Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It's their money." –Jay Leno

"Al Gore's Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500
 million." –Jay Leno

"The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?" –Jay Leno

"John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing – a Republican winning anything these days." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you're not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they're on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat's dream come true." –Jay Leno

"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama's dog, Bo." –Jay Lenoc

"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators." –Jimmy Fallon

"While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress spent New Year’s Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, 'Talk about a lame New Year's.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Has anyone seen Al Gore's Current TV? I don't mean by mistake. I mean, who's actually watched it? Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV. So it's now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called 'global fleecing.'" –David Letterman

"Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore." –David Letterman

"Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They've got a new show called 'Storage Jihad.' They have 'Project Burka.' And a show called 'Real Virgins of Fallujah.'" –David Letterman

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman