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Latest Late-Night Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

May 23, 2012

"There has been another new development in the Secret Service prostitution scandal... (Some agents) say this kind of thing is so common that internally they refer to it as the Secret Circus. Which explains why they were trying to pay the hookers peanuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, members of the Secret Service told the Senate that there’s an unwritten rule amongst agents that what happens on the road stays on the road. Not to be confused with that WRITTEN rule – that they shouldn't have sex with prostitutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here’s an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, 'the Juan percent.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook's weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look – MySpace." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the past few months there's been an increasing buzz that Mitt Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white, and duller than him. Which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk." –Jay Leno

"Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who's trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he's desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it's Obama!" –Jay Leno

"Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon." –Jay Leno

"Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you're trying to get your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really" –Jay Leno

"Next month a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called 'Are you going to finish that?'" –Conan O'Brien

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May 22, 2012

"While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level." –Jay Leno

"Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today. It's called Botox Avenue." –Jay Leno

"Facebook shares fell again today. At one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being 'still a billionaire.' –Conan O'Brien

"Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000." –Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions." –David Letterman

"Remember Al Gore, the tubby vice president? He has a new girlfriend – that is unless the Supreme Court takes her away from him." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in the commercial that buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas with the big bow on it." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 21, 2012

"Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash." –Craig Ferguson

"Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever." –Craig Ferguson

"That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg, got married over the weekend. His company goes public, and he's now worth $100 billion. Then he gets married. He may not be as smart as we thought. His wife's a lovely woman. He stole her from the Winklevoss twins." –David Letterman

"Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece." –David Letterman

"Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents." –Jay Leno

"Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs." –Jay Leno

May 18, 2012

"On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket." –Jay Leno

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll by the New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can’t buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you’re running for president, doesn’t it?" –Jay Leno

"The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery." –Jay Leno

"Our good friend Chris Matthews on MSNBC was on 'Jeopardy' the other day and get got his butt killed. He was so embarrassed. The good news? He got so many facts wrong today he was offered a job at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see this? A spokesperson for President Obama’s campaign says that a new Republican attack ad is quote ‘B.S.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Ugh...I hate when you spell words so I can't understand you.." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does."  –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money." –David Letterman

"I know why you're happy. Facebook went public and you're all billionaires now. It is worth one hundred and four billion dollars. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat." –Bill Maher

"President Obama was on 'The View.' An awkward moment back stage when Elizabeth Hasselback shot him in self-defense." –Bill Maher

"For the first time in our history, more minority children were born in America than white children. And today the Octomom said, 'I'm on it.'" –Bill Maher

"If I were a Republican I would be a little leery about bringing up Reverend Wright because some shocking information came in today about Romney’s pastor…he’s Mormon. Really weird stuff." –Bill Maher

"Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush." –Bill Maher

"Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word "Mitt" on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump." –Bill Maher

"When you confuse a church with a school it mixes up the things you believe – religion – with the things we know – education. Then you start thinking that creationism is science, and gay aversion is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University

"They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah's flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right." –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's speech at Liberty University

‎"Conservatives often say that gay marriage cheapens their marriage. Well, I think a diploma from Liberty cheapens my degree from a real school." -Bill Maher

May 17, 2012

"Cher sent out a tweet that got some attention. She said if Mitt Romney gets elected, she doesn't know if she can breathe the same air as him. In the event that Romney does get elected, I want to offer Cher a place to live. It's the Cher biodome, complete with a year supply of air and Rice-A-Roni where Cher can live, be happy, and have peace." –Conan O'Brien

"If you didn't for any reason laugh at the Cher biodome joke, it's probably for two reasons. One, it's not that funny. And two, if you're a younger viewer, you have no idea who Cher is." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on earth, which is where we live. I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was still governor. He would know what to do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth's orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

"JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don't know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece." –Jay Leno

May 16, 2012

"A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick 'an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.' When he heard that, Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, I've already got a gig.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair " –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn't even support same-sex car pools." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?" –David Letterman

"Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City, they have a law now that if you're a police officer and you see somebody who looks suspicious, you can stop them and frisk them. And I thought, 'Well, now wait a minute, in New York City, everybody looks suspicious!'" –David Letterman

"Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he's dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama's new slogan, 'I'm Barack Obama, and I loved '50 Shades of Grey.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy." –Jay Leno

"The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called 'Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!" –Jay Leno

May 15, 2012

"Earlier today President Obama went on 'The View.' He went on 'The View' because they're the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around." –Conan O'Brien

"The new Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with a headline, “The First Gay President.” Apparently, the new Newsweek editor is a 3rd grade bully." –Conan O'Brien

"As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, 'Now there's a sound investment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo." –Jimmy Fallon

"Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support." –Jimmy Fallon

"The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan." –Jay Leno

"The new issue of Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with the caption 'The First Gay President.' ... Can you believe that? They're still publishing Newsweek? Really?" –Jay Leno

"Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, "Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?" And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?" –David Letterman

"Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It's not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?" –David Letterman

May 14, 2012

"There was a huge fundraiser for President Obama at George Clooney's house last Thursday night. They raised over $15 million. Actually, one awkward moment: When they were handing President Obama the check... the Chinese ambassador stepped in and said, 'I believe that belongs to us.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney's starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal." –Jay Leno

"JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers." –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and here what Angela Lansbury has to say." –David Letterman

"JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants." –David Letterman

"Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place." –David Letterman

"President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? – that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great – now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time." -Jimmy Fallon

May 11, 2012

"President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution." –Bill Maher

"Bristol Palin accused Obama of pandering to teenagers who watch one too many episodes of 'Glee.' Says the girl who got knocked up after watching one too many episodes of 'Teen Mom.'" –Bill Maher

"Antediluvian bigot Billy Graham took out full-page ads supporting (the gay marriage ban) in 14 North Carolina newspapers. I was shocked. North Carolina has 14 newspapers?" –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of my relatives in Utah, my dad who was born in Mexico, my great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that I'm a strict conservative on the subject." –Bill Maher

"When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad." –Bill Maher

"I don't know what it's like at your salon, but at mine, isn't the guy cutting the hair the gay one?" –Bill Maher

"There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy." –Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery I can't believe Sean Hannity didn't think of it first. It should win a reverse Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a shitty book called 'Scum: How Liberals Something, Something, Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kickass, Jesus.'" –Bill Maher

"This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with ABC News on Wednesday, President Obama said, 'It is important for me to affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.' OK buddy, we get it, you're not a Muslim." –Seth Meyers

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney's house. I had a hunch that the President was in town because on my way to work last night on Sunset Boulevard, I saw a Secret Service agent arguing with a hooker." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney's house. They want to have a fundraiser with lots of celebrities so the choice is pretty much George Clooney's house or Promises rehab center in Malibu." –Jay Leno

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann's husband and cutting his hair." –Jay Leno

"North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What's going on?" –David Letterman

May 10, 2012

"President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage because his position has evolved. Then today he flew to George Clooney's house. So things are evolving a lot faster than we expected." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he's going to turn his birth certificate into a musical." –David Letterman

"My question with the same-sex couples is: Who drives, who nags? Who says let's order dessert and who says I'll just have a bite?" –David Letterman

"Can you be in a heterosexual marriage and also have a gay marriage? Can you have one of each?" –David Letterman

"President Obama's in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says 'man of the people' like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken." –Craig Ferguson

"The guests included Leonardo DiCaprio and Barbra Streisand. It must have been awkward though. Everybody in Hollywood thinks they're the world's most important person. So it must be kind of weird when in walks the world's actual most important person." –Craig Ferguson
 
"Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that's not the Hollywood I know." –Craig Ferguson

"After President Obama announced his support for gay marriage, his campaign raised a million dollars in 90 minutes. That explains why today Mitt Romney actually supported gay marriage from noon to 1:30." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

"Today Newt Gingrich didn't agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages." –Jay Leno

May 9, 2012

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney's house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let 'Dawson's Creek' shoot there for years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for." –Jay Leno

"In fact, he changed his campaign slogan from 'forward' to fabulous." –Jay Leno

"The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse." –Jay Leno

"My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien

"This week President Obama awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn't increase Obama's street cred, nothing will." –Conan O'Brien

"It's come down to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. And Mitt Romney is fighting this image that he has no personality, and the reason for this, of course, is that he has no personality." –David Letterman

"Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants." –David Letterman

"Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?" –David Letterman

"Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn't all positive though. He also said the show 'Glee' has jumped the shark." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married." –Craig Ferguson

"Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, 'Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch gay-mageddon." –Stephen Colbert

"Suck it gays! By which I mean, do not." –Stephen Colbert

May 8, 2012

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum gave Mitt Romney his endorsement. So Mitt gets all of Santorum's delegates and all of his sweater vests." –David Letterman

"They're looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt." –David Letterman

"I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents." –Jay Leno

"That Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here's an idea: stop being a prostitute. If you stop doing that, maybe your life will turn around." –Jay Leno

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

"Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they're on the same team. It's like a 'Jersey Shore' special." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today happens to have been National Teacher Day... National Teacher Day has been around since 1953, and it seems like a nice gesture, until you realize that there's also a National Donut Day, which gets more attention." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

May 7, 2012

"France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, 'I hope I won't have to change my address.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom 'Will & Grace' made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss." –Craig Ferguson

"The French president got voted out. So 'adieu' to Nicolas Sarkozy. He's riding his 'bicyclette' off into the sunset." –Craig Ferguson

"After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation's economy. Or as Obama put it, 'Uh-oh.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be 'inconceivable' for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, 'Yep.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More details about the Secret Service scandal. The 'Today' show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 4, 2012

"The other big news, Obama’s big surprise visit to Afghanistan this week. And this was a surprise. I mean a surprise! I mean the Secret Service barely had time to get condoms and lube." –Bill Maher

"Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we're winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we're not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech." –Bill Maher

"And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?" –Bill Maher

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a 'wild ride.' Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland." –Bill Maher

"Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney." –Bill Maher

"President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, 'Forward.' Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama." –Seth Meyers

"According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden's compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn't commit suicide." –Seth Meyers

"The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News 'lacks neutrality.' I'm not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills." –David Letterman

"Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide." –David Letterman

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' ... And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already." –Jay Leno

"We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden's compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty." –Jay Leno

"In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor." –Jay Leno

"More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It's great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU." –Jimmy Fallon

May 3, 2012

"Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big 'Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?' tour." –Jay Leno

"The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, 'Who's knocking on my door at this hour?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same." –Jay Leno

"A new biography about the president states that he took 'artistic liberties' in his memoir and says that he 'fictionalized details for narrative clarity.' That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don't quit." –Craig Ferguson
 
"It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama's limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has promised now that we'll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS." –David Letterman

May 2, 2012

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn't as big a surprise as last year's Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his healthcare." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — 'Forward' — that's the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn't improve by November, it'll be 'Forward my mail.'" –Jay Leno

"Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s true. That's a real insult to our founding fathers—Denzel Washington and George Jefferson." –Jimmy

"Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he 'made up' a girlfriend in his autobiography. It's a good thing Oprah's off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Least Inspiring One-Word Campaign Slogans"

10. Up
9. Down
8. Sideways
7. Neutral
6. Futile
5. Backward
4. Feckless
3. Lame
2. Rejected
1. Erect

May 1, 2012

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday night I was speaking at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. I roasted the president, some politicians, and the news media. Barbara Walters was there and was upset about a joke I made about her. I don't want to turn it into a feud because I know Barbara will pull my heart out and have if roasted by her servants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today's the anniversary of the Osama bin Laden killing. When the SEALs arrived, he was watching TV with his three wives. So a lot of people think it was suicide." –David Letterman

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

"Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service." –David Letterman

"You know who's in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7 news." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"The report from British lawmakers was officially issued today. Murdoch knew about it months ago — because he hacked into their phones." –Craig Ferguson

"Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It's not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich." –Craig Ferguson

"Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn't happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain." –Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone." –Jay Leno

"Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow." –Jay Leno

"German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot." –Jay Leno

April 30, 2012
 
"I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn't get much of a reaction either. They're probably laughing on the inside." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan – 'Forward.' That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, 'Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made.'" –Jay Leno

"Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he's going to get in prison will be free." –Jay Leno

"During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, 'So, your place then?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said 'Hey girls, let's see who is on 'Leno.' That was the last thing he said." –David Letterman

"So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens"

10. "How's puberty going?"
9. "Where do you summer?"
8. "Do you fellows play sportball?"
7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"
6. "You teens are just the right height"
5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot"
4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?"
3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
1. "Didn't I fire your father?"

April 27, 2012

"This week Mitt Romney's Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it 'America the Beautiful,' off key, in mom jeans." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney swept give more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m." –Bill Maher

"It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass." –Bill Maher

"Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American." –Bill Maher

"Mitt has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher

"Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney trying to compete for the youth vote told some kids that some of the places he hides his money are the same places they go to spring break." –Bill Maher

"Is there any force in government that is just so completely focused on f**king people, besides the Secret Service?" –Bill Maher, on Republicans

"Now allegations are coming out that the Secret Service were partying with strippers and hookers, not just in Colombia but in El Salvador, Buenos Aires, Moscow. You got to hand it to these guys. A lot of us look at the world and say, 'F**k it.' These people actually do it." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner." –Bill Maher

"Big medical news — according to the CDC, there's been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was "Mitt." The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later... his nickname was "Obama." Kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"This story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don't you like that language, 'they visited'? That's what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. 'Hi, just visiting.' No, you visit a hospital!" –Jay Leno

"A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well." –Jay Leno

"Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards' trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don't think he's learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant." –Jay Leno

"The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Jay Leno, who turns 62 tomorrow. If you would like to get Jay a gift, you can't go wrong with giving him someone else's show." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"They're calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg." –David Letterman

"After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, 'Dude, scale it back!'" –Jimmy Fallon

April 26, 2012

"A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, 'Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, 'has a big stick.' In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd." –Jay Leno

"A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn't responded to the ad because he's too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best." –Conan O'Brien

"A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Bring Your Child to Work Day — that's how we got George W. Bush." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn't that already the announcement? If you say next week I'll announce I'm dropping out of the race, what's the point of having the announcement next week?" –David Letterman

"According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 25, 2012

"Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff, he's sort of cold, he's sort of aloof. And I thought, 'Well, wait a minute. Let's look at the bright side of this.' Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality." –David Letterman

"In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world." –David Letterman

From David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk": #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers

"After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'" –Jay Leno

"Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did 'Slow Jam the News,' he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, 'Dude, don't you have a country to run?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I can't wait to hear what country he was born in now!" –Stephen Colbert

April 24, 2012

"It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." –Jay Leno

"Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"It's Earth Week. So we're doing tonight's show with very little energy. We're using our solar-powered applause sign. Not only that — my hairpiece is 100 percent hemp." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. They've already broken out the non-alcoholic champagne." –David Letterman

"Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he's not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can" to 'Duke sucks'" –Jimmy Fallon

April 23, 2012

"Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, 'free pizza in my room.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm enjoying this Secret Service scandal. It turned out to be a frisking that got out of control." –David Letterman

"One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars." –David Letterman

"These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one." –Jay Leno

"They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In conjunction with Earth Day, the Dutch electronics company Philips released a revolutionary new light bulb designed to last 20 years. Do you think when the guy thought of this, a light bulb went off over his head?" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 20, 2012

"Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher, on the Secret Service prostitution scandal

"One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin's detail in 2008 when he was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, 'I'm checking her out.' Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign." –Bill Maher

"Of course Sarah Palin has to answer this. Today she said, you know what, people are always checking me out. She said, 'I can't count the number of times when I'm walking away, and I hear someone say, 'What an ass.'" –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the Secret Service said they’re interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President’s life. Now look, I don’t agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?" –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is unbelievable. There is no level to which he will not stoop. Famously Mitt Romney strapped the dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was six years old living in Indonesia, he ate dog meat and grasshoppers. You know, the number 12. He was six years old! The White House released a statement today saying the president was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up." –Bill Maher

"I think the Republican Party is at war with common sense. I think if the Democrats came out against eating yellow snow, Rick Perry would eat yellow snow." –Bill Maher, regarding Rick Perry and other Republican governors eating hamburgers with "pink slime"

"I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth." –Bill Maher

April 19, 2012

 "That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here's the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going-away party." –Conan O'Brien

"Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That's what you call a trade deficit." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 18, 2012

"President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women." –Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar." –Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country. But the best time ever to be a cat." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don't worry. The IRS never checks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Google, I am shocked. You stole people's personal information without their permission? That is Facebook's job!" –Jon Stewart

Note: Most of the other late-night shows are in reruns this week

April 17, 2012

"This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service." –Craig Ferguson

"According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president." –Craig Ferguson

"In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid." –Conan O'Brien

"There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan." –Conan O'Brien

"Ann Romney...is defending her husband for once strapping the family dog to the roof of their station wagon on a family trip, saying, 'The dog loved it.' Unfortunately the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away to stay with Michael Vick." –Conan O'Brien

April 16, 2012

"Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent." –Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?" –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 13-14, 2012

"New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’" –Bill Maher

"Cory Booker is not the only New Jersey politician who's done something brave like this. Gov. Chris Crisco – sorry Chris Christie – once ran into a burning restaurant to save 15 pounds of prime rib, but then got stuck in the window going out and burned his ass." –Bill Maher

"It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan." –Bill Maher

If you feel about about so much money in this country going to defense, don't forget, if we didn't spend more money on weapons than every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don't have on the Koran rocket that doesn't work." –Bill Maher

"Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself." –Bill Maher

"Speaking of problems taking care of itself, Rick Santorum dropped out of the race. Rick dropped out, but said he was going to keep fighting against liberalism, against secularism, and against the urge to blow Jon Hamm." –Bill Maher

"The pundits say Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also his birth control policy." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust, you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy’ I'd like a wiener in my rim." –Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum on Tuesday announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama on Wednesday gave a speech surrounded by a group of millionaires and their secretaries calling for Congress to pass the Buffet Rule and raise taxes on the rich. Confusing many who thought the Buffet Rule was ‘only sing along with chorus.'" –Seth Meyers

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno

"In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is up to his chins in debt." –David Letterman

April 12, 2012

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together." –Conan O'Brien

"I believe that hardcore social conservatives, liberals, and everyone else is together on this one. I think even Kanye agrees." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unfamiliar with the auto part." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's certainly nothing fun about paying taxes, but you have to remember... all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give you our parking tickets, and keeping welfare checks going to the Octomom, and important things like that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?" –Jay Leno

"And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, 'Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right.'" –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out." –Jay Leno

April 11, 2012

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, 'Manage your money, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left." –Jimmy Fallon

"Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called 'Understanding Obama' — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called 'Understanding Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it's time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels." –Jimmy Kimmel

"West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney's running mate. I would like that. We haven't had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The average wedding now costs $27,000. Well, no wonder Newt Gingrich is broke. He's constantly shelling out all that money." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president." –Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama's administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco." –Jay Leno

"The teenage birth rate... is now the lowest it's been in 70 years, and people are wondering why. Is it due to a resurgence of sexual abstinence? Is it due to teens acting more responsibly? Or is due to the fact that 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3' is so awesome that boys don't care about girls anymore?" –Jay Leno

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America." –David Letterman

"Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote." –David Letterman

"Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he's the guy who was going to fix our economy." –David Letterman

"Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don't recognize." –David Letterman

April 10, 2012

"Miami Marlins' manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he's apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?" –David Letterman

"It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don't think it's a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness." –David Letterman

"Hot dogs and pizza don't go together. It's like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn't happen." –Craig Ferguson

"Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

April 9, 2012

“Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland... they travel all over.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

“Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer.” –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would've gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Romney used a bodyboard. Marking the one-billionth time the words ‘Romney’ and ‘bored’ have appeared in the same sentence." –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, it turned out there weren’t enough waves that day, so Romney asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: ‘They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats.” –Conan O'Brien

"The FBI is reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who's paying attention and taking notes." –Conan O’Brien

“Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. While celebrating Easter they rushed him to the hospital with an impacted peep.” –David Letterman

“Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ‘90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’” –David Letterman

"Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter egg roll... The only problem was, First lady Michelle Obama was put in charge of the snacks. That's like putting Rick Santorum in charge of a rave." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich admitted to The Washington Post that he knows he probably won’t be the Republican nominee for president, but he’s not bowing out of the race because he’s $5 million in debt. So he needs to keep raising money. How do you continue to raise money when you’ve already admitted you probably won’t win?” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 6, 2012

“Happy Holiday weekend! This, of course, is both Passover and Easter. In fact, did you see what Romney did tonight? I think he's trying too hard to get votes; he went to a Seder dressed as the Easter bunny.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow night, President Obama is hosting a special showing of the film ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ on the USA Network. And Mitt Romney will be hosting a showing of the film ‘Wall Street.’” –Jay Leno

“You know what's funny? Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are calling each other ‘out of touch.’ See, being considered ‘out of touch’ is bad for a candidate. On the other hand, as Herman Cain and John Edwards have showed us, touching too much is also bad... there's a fine line. A very fine line.” –Jay Leno

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants airport security workers to be nicer to foreigners. Could we be any nicer? They cross our borders whenever they want, they get jobs, they get bargain college tuition, we give them driver's licenses, we never ask them to leave. How much nicer can we be?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has spent $53 million on ads, and Rick Santorum has spent $9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed up in the background of the ‘Today’ show.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21.” –Jimmy Fallon

April 5, 2012

 “The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum's campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” –Jay Leno

“According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he's now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don't confuse that with Herman Cain's campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?” –Jay Leno

“So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” –Jay Leno

“Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?” –Craig Ferguson

“The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they're a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They're already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.” –Craig Ferguson

“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” –Jimmy Fallon

April 4, 2012

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.” –Jay Leno

“The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin co-hosted the ‘Today’ show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" What they're going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down ‘Hunger Games’ style.” –Jay Leno

“Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They're always saying the prisons aren't full enough.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.” –David Letterman

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position.” –David Letterman

April 3, 2012

"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister." –Jay Leno

“Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent.” –Jay Leno
 
“Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, ‘What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?’” –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide." –David Letterman

“How does an old guy like Ron Paul connect with young people? Here's his secret: At rallies, he passes around a dish of hard candy." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul is not dropping out of the race. In his defense, he's only three delegates away from having three delegates." –David Letterman

"The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart

"You're pretending this whole appearance is some uncommonly ballsy way of sticking it to the 'lamestream' media, but it's just another way for you to tout your brand of homespun nonsense unchallenged." –Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's "Today Show" appearance

"There's a strange new law making its way through the Arizona state legislature right now. It's a bill that, if signed into law... would ban people from posting anything (online) that would, quote, 'terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, offend or annoy another person.' I think it means Kim Kardashian is going to prison for a very long time." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 2, 2012

“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” –Jay Leno

“There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.” –Jay Leno

“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on 'The Biggest Loser' tomorrow night and will bring the overweight contestants to the East Room for a workout. You get the feeling that's about the only way Newt Gingrich is ever going to get in the White House?” –Jay Leno

“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he's in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno

“I guess Mitt Romney's staff played an April Fools' joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno

“No, this is true; I guess his staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

“Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 30, 2012

"This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It’s like an election in Florida. Apparently they have made the call and I don’t want to bum you out but if you get cancer, put ice on it. And unfortunately, because of global warming, we’re out of it." –Bill Maher

"That's the bad news: there won't be any more health care. Of course, the good news, we will take your organs and stick them in Dick Cheney if you die, so you can look forward to that." –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

"I'm not worried that this guy is out of touch. I'm worried he's Batman." –Bill Maher

"I could see Mitt as Batman. He hears about a robbery, he changes into the magic underwear, he rushes to the crime scene, and he helps the crooks manage their new money." –Bill Maher

"Bad news for George Zimmerman of Florida, everyone still hates him for killing a teenager over Skittles. The bright side for him, he just won the Hunger Games." –Bill Maher

"George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV this week. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it." –Bill Maher

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

"Tonight was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn't that Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name?" –Jay Leno

"Gay groups are upset because Rick Santorum wouldn't let a boy use a pink bowling ball. Maybe Rick just likes black balls, the bigger and heftier the better." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 29, 2012

“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn't want to return to his old life of panning for gold.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.” –David Letterman

“A new poll found that President Obama's approval rating is above 50 percent for the first time since last May. Obama made sure to thank the people who made that possible — Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, ‘Jelly Belly Factory’ was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

“Yesterday Joe Biden thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-sprite.” –Conan O’Brien

“This Mega Millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket.” –Jay Leno

“What do you think your odds are of winning that jackpot? The last odds I checked, 176 million to 1. But then again, still better odds than Newt Gingrich getting the nomination.” –Jay Leno

“I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare.” –Jay Leno

“The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world's most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.” –Jay Leno

March 28, 2012

“Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week Walt Disney’s stock reached its highest point in a year. In fact, Disney is so wealthy, today Mickey and Minnie endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” –Jay Leno

“A New York City madam says John Edwards was a customer. This is the first time a hooker is more embarrassed at being caught than the john.” –Jay Leno

“A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

March 27, 2012

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –David Letterman

“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” –David Letterman

“Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.” –Conan O'Brien

“The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, ‘There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama warned North Korea’s Kim Jong Un that ‘bad behavior will not be rewarded.’ Then Kim asked, “So, how do you explain another season of 'Jersey Shore'?” –Conan O’Brien

“A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it?” –Jay Leno

"(Monday) was Nancy Pelosi's birthday. They had a huge surprise party for her. Actually, it was a regular party, she just always looks surprised." –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Tiger Woods on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who's gone the longest without a win is Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich”

10. How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt?
9. Should I just photograph myself burning $50?
8. Do I look Newty enough?
7. Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who's not going to be president?
6. Do I have to touch him?
5. Is this how Newt met his three wives?
4. Seriously, have I lost my mind?
3. Does Newt have to be in the photo?
2. What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?
1. Will Rush Limbaugh think I'm a slut?

March 26, 2012

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

“Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said ‘Heck!’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, ‘So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” –Jay Leno

“Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Tiger Woods on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who's gone the longest without a win is Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a ‘time warp’ that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 23, 2012

“Mitt Romney’s adviser actually compared him to an Etch A Sketch — and because of that, Etch A Sketch sales jumped 1,500 percent. Or as Disney put it, ‘Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to 'John Carter?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“’The Hunger Games’ is opening this weekend. The movie is based on the books where people are chosen in a lottery to compete in a televised battle to the death. Why can't we do this to the Republican primaries? Wouldn't that be great?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch A Sketch.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to President Obama's re-election campaign.” –Jay Leno

“Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he's had to make since endorsing his brother, George W.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.” –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch

"Rick Santorum said he’s not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies.” –Bill Maher

"Then he held up the Etch-A-Sketch and Sarah Palin said, 'Hey, give me back my iPad.'” –Bill Maher

“This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.” –Bill Maher

March 22, 2012

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative, he won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“At the White House this week, President Obama and the first lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish prime minister. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.” –Jay Leno

“The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You’d think that should be secret.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney picked ‘Javelin’ as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose ‘Petris’ because that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose ‘Gas prices are not my fault.’” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he's been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” –Jay Leno

“March Madness started again today with the start of the round known as the Sweet 16. President Obama's bracket was in the top 2 percent of everyone who makes picks on ESPN.com. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama did this last year, too. Once again, he is out of touch with regular hard-working Americans who don’t know how to bet on college basketball.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 21, 2012

"Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That's one of the few thriving industries America has left." –David Letterman

"John McCain's daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I'm just glad John's not alive to see this." –David Letterman

"Here's what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It's just part of their tradition." –David Letterman

"This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: 'Cover-Your-Face Book.'" –Jimmy Fallon

March 20, 2012

"When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, 'They're holding a primary in Kenya?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November." –David Letterman

"According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, 'Until now!'" –Conan O'Brien

March 19, 2012

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

“Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves ‘Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Santorum said when he’s in the White House he’ll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump's sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 16, 2012

“March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’” –Bill Maher

“You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.” –Bill Maher

“First Santorum is against the gays, then contraception, now porn. This guy is more backed up than the 405.” –Bill Maher

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend... This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’” –Bill Maher

“Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls green.” –Bill Maher

“You know what's kind of ironic? This will be the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency. He still hasn't created a green job. What happened to those?” –Jay Leno

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance yesterday, before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. It's probably a good chance it's another former Illinois governor.” –Jay Leno

March 15, 2012

"This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp." –Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don't have sleeves." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he's set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He'd look into it himself, but he's busy working on those NCAA tournament brackets." –Jay Leno

"More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum says if elected president, he'll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Oh, guys are gonna be leaving in droves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 14, 2012

"How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he's leading in chins." –David Letterman

"So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt's VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It's going to be over quickly." –David Letterman

"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman

"Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that's where his money lives." –Jon Stewart

“President Obama announced his final four: Kentucky, Ohio, Missouri, and North Carolina. Mitt Romney announced his final four: Goldman Sachs, Wells Fargo, Exxon, and the Cayman Islands.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Rick Santorum on winning the Mississippi and Alabama primaries. Newt Gingrich finished second, Mitt Romney finished third, and Ron Paul is still finishing his cornflakes.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has been outspending his opponents by a huge margin and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune. It all worked out.” –Jay Leno

"It's not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again.” –Jay Leno

“A new CBS poll found that 80% of Americans say they're not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20% own gas stations.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon... it's not catching on with the voters. See, here's my question: what kind of candidate are you if people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office? ‘We'll go with the six bucks, it's fine. We've got it covered.’” –Jay Leno

March 13, 2012

"Rush Limbaugh is losing advertisers. Crisco was one and then he lost Hostess Cupcakes. Now the only advertiser Rush has left on his radio show is Conrad Murray's Sleep Clinic." –David Letterman

"You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich." –David Letterman

"President Obama was at one of the games at Dayton, Ohio, tonight. He brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It's part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here, and then in July the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow morning President Obama is going to release his NCAA bracket. You knew this was going to happen. Republican leaders have vowed to overturn it.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see Mitt Romney this week? He was trying to appeal to the Southern voters. He told folks the other day that he had a biscuit and some cheesy grits for breakfast. I didn't know that they served that at the Ritz Carlton.” –Jay Leno

“Actually there was one awkward moment for Mitt Romney. They asked him if he'd ever been down to the banks of the Mississippi and he said, 'No. Do they have a better rate than the Cayman Islands?'" –Jay Leno

March 12, 2012

“They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

“Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.” –Jay Leno

“I'm telling you, it's getting ugly on the campaign trail. Rick Santorum's people are accusing Mitt Romney's campaign of trying to dig up dirt on Ron Paul. He must be an archaeologist.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum insists he's the most conservative candidate. He is so conservative, you can only rub him the wrong way.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.” –Jay Leno

“How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change.” –David Letterman

“Don't kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He's down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies.” –David Letterman

‎"If you are a multimillionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck." –Stephen Colbert on Jeff Foxworthy campaigning with Mitt Romney

March 9-10, 2012

“Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.” –Bill Maher

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, ‘She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum nearly won Ohio, despite a flood of ads that said that Rick Santorum is a creepy, far-right, socially backward extremist – and those were his ads. That’s how he sells himself.” –Bill Maher

“To recap the Republican views on women: you can’t have birth control, you’re sluts, and you’re fat. Vote for me in November everyone.” –Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney. He can’t get the hang of campaigning like a regular guy. He’s always remind people of his vast wealth. Today he demanded to see Obama’s gift certificate.” –Bill Maher

“Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Here’s an actual quote. Romney was in Mississippi yesterday, and he said, ‘I’m learning to say y’all, and I like grits.’ And then he took out a pair of pliers and yanked out three of his teeth.” –Bill Maher

“In the south, Mitt is going to have trouble with the whole Mormon thing. When he says sister wife down there, it means a whole different thing.” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

“Just for sh**s and giggles, John McCain must make a speech on the Senate floor where he calls on America to not bomb someone. This week, John McCain said we needed to bomb Syria. Because he's John McCain. And it's a country. Duh. John McCain thinks countries need bombing like your waiter thinks food needs fresh pepper. Remember how we let John Glenn go back into space when he was 77? We should let John McCain fly one more airstrike. He's only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie.” –Bill Maher

“Don't pay eight thousand dollars for a McNugget that looks like George Washington. At least until you have Sarah Palin authenticate it. She could tell you if it really resembles the father of our country, the man who won the war on Christmas, crossed the Danube, signed the Declaration of Constitution, and accepted the surrender of Cornwallis at Funkytown. But Newt Gingrich is a historian too, but don't show it to him or he'll just eat it.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney won a key victory in the Ohio Super Tuesday primary narrowly beating Rick Santorum by just 1 percent. Specifically, the 1 percent.” –Seth Meyers

“Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign, saying ‘I'm the tortoise. I take it one step at a time. Also, if you roll me onto my back I can never get up.’” –Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum today won the Kansas caucuses beating Mitt Romney by 30 percent. Santorum was expected to do well in Kansas because it's also a giant square.” –Seth Meyers

March 8, 2012

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O'Brien

“In a few months Obama’s going to unveil this one: ‘Would you like white wine and a foot massage?’” –Conan O’Brien

“This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” –Conan O’Brien

“It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, ‘Thank god you’re here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let’s do this.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t see why anyone is surprised, though. Pat Robertson is 81 years old. After a certain point, old people don’t care what anybody thinks. They just don’t. They wear socks with sandals.” –Craig Ferguson

“Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” –Craig Ferguson

“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

March 7, 2012

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. ...Then Romney made the mistake of saying, 'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'" –Conan O'Brien

“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'” –Conan O’Brien

"It's being reported that Dunkin' Donuts restaurants in China are adding pork donuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?" –Conan O’Brien

"Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin' Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum 'slipped the knockout punch!' 'Knockout punch,' by the way, is what Rush Limbaugh slips his dates." –Stephen Colbert on the Super Tuesday results

"Evidently, voters really responded to his campaign slogan: 'Putin 2012 -- Or He'll Shoot Your Family.'" –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.” ” –Craig Ferguson

“I'm excited about the new iPad. But then I'm excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries.” –Craig Ferguson

March 5-6, 2012

“Today is the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It's going to be followed tomorrow by ‘Now we're really stuck with Romney Wednesday.’” –Conan O'Brien

"In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday." –Conan O’Brien

"This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. ... Unfortunately it doesn't help that his opening line is 'Hello, my fellow peasants.'" –Conan O’Brien

“As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace.” –Conan O’Brien

“Ten states had their big primaries. Everyone says the big money's on Mitt Romney. I mean literally. He's so rich that money oozes from his pores.” –Craig Ferguson

“Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.” –Craig Ferguson

“It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson

"With Super Tuesday coming up... there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find Mitt Romney attractive." –Stephen Colbert

"It's like the Super Bowl of politics -- if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself." –Stephen Colbert on Super Tuesday

"Good point, Rush. She's a slut and a prostitute? That's two jobs and she still can't afford her own birth control? Come on." –Stephen Colbert on the Sandra Fluke controversy

Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

March 2, 2012

“I thought the election was gonna be all about the economy. But the economy started doing better. So Republicans went to plan b: calling women whores.” –Bill Maher

“This woman [Sandra Fluke] got a call today from then President. President Obama called her to thank her for her testimony. And then President Clinton called Obama to get her number.” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“This gas thing is not funny. We are looking at five dollar a gallon gasoline. Mitt Romney's wife filled up both her Cadillacs today and now she’s one of the poor people he doesn't give a sh*t about.” –Bill Maher

“Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, ‘Are you still against contraception?’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can't expect to get any credibility investigating the President's birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his "posse." Arpaio's self-appointed "Cold Case Posse" reported yesterday that Obama's birth certificate MIGHT be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Who ever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?” –Bill Maher

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

“In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India.” –Jay Leno

“In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.” –Jay Leno

“Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh.” –Jay Leno

“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, ‘Swedish maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

“There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster.” –Craig Ferguson

March 1, 2012

“While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That's what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” –Jay Leno

“I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: ‘I guess you’re stuck with me.’” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

“We have the lovely actress Julianne Moore on the show tonight. She's playing Sarah Palin in the new HBO movie "Game Change." It's about the 2008 election. Believe me, that was a tough role to prepare for, playing Sarah Palin. She had to spend over six months not studying anything.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

“A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” –Conan O’Brien

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” –David Letterman

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman