Updated Daily

Browse Recent Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook for joke updates

See Also:
Sarah Palin Resignation Jokes
Top 10 Real Reasons Sarah Palin Resigned
Sarah Palin's Life in Pictures

July 8, 2009

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain says he's been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he's been Twittering on his garage door opener." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our 'great allies.' He went on to say, 'Except, of course, for any time we've ever been to war.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. It's been reported that Saddam Hussein's gun will be on display in George W. Bush's presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman

"I want to say something here, and it's kind of a sensitive area. There was a press conference, and Sarah Palin announced she is stepping down. Then the next day, there was footage of her fishing. I mean -- say what you will -- I thought she looked great, so great, Russia was watching her." --David Letterman

"Palin, she's stepping down. Then the next day, there was footage of her she went fishing. Is it just me, or is anybody else here having naughty thoughts about Sarah Palin in those waders? All right. I'm just apologize for that right now. ... In fact, she looked so great, Russia was watching her." --David Letterman

"Finally, the courts ruled that Al Franken defeated the incumbent, Norm Coleman. Here, we have a report right here. Al Franken being sworn in [on screen: footage of Franken swearing-in ceremony at the Capitol. An announcer says, "Al Franken is proud to have finally become Minnesota's junior senator. However, due to the unrelenting media scrutiny, Senator Franken has decided to resign and go fishing in Alaska. Al Franken: Be There." --David Letterman

"I know we got a lot of people here from out of town, and I hate to bring bad news to you, because I know it's your vacation, a lot of people are here on vacation. And New York City, because of all the rain -- it's really nobody's fault -- we got a mosquito problem. So, the good news is the blood suckers are no longer just on Wall Street." --David Letterman

"Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he's going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it's Martha Stewart." --David Letterman

"But good news for Madoff's wife, Ruth. They returned her passport. She has her passport back. Earlier, she flew off to Argentina with Governor Sanford." --David Letterman

"Kim Jong Il today made rare public appearance. Here's what happened. He saw the shadow of his hair, went back in his hole." --David Letterman

"But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn't look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" --David Letterman

"North Korea has gone nuts. I don't know what is going on over there. There was a huge computer attack. Was your computer okay? We had a big computer attack from — they don't know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department website. Man! I was stunned. I said, 'Whoa! The U.S. still has a Treasury Department?'" --David Letterman

"President Obama is at one of the G-8 summits in Italy. Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, who ran for president against Obama, is in Arizona, heating up a can of Chef Boyardee." --David Letterman

"This is what is on the agenda over there in Italy for the G-8 leaders. Financial crisis, global financial crisis. World poverty. Climate change. Giant transforming robots." --David Letterman

"But the G-8 summit in Italy is being hosted by Silvio Berlusconi, the prime minister of Italy. And the meeting went pretty well. He was only interrupted once by his wife accusing him of adultery." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison

10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell?
7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin Kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?
6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut.
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo 'America's Got Talent' for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?

Late-Night TV Videos
Conan Mocks Palin, Sanford, McCain and Cheney

July 7, 2009

"President Obama is in Russia. Today he waved to Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"President Obama is in Russia. He met with Putin. Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain was chasing kids off his lawn." --David Letterman

"But it's an important trip for Obama to go to Russia. He's gotten a lot of concessions. He has now gotten the Russians to agree to decrease production of nuclear warheads. Well that's not bad right there. And, that's not all. They're going to increase production of fruit-flavored vodka." --David Letterman

"But it's not all fun and games for President Obama over there in Russia. He has a busy agenda. Today, he visited the birthplace of Yakov Smirnoff." --David Letterman

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. Obama was waving to her." --David Letterman

"And people are puzzled by this. They say, 'Well Governor, Sarah, what are you going to do? What's going to happen?' And insiders believe that she hopes to be the next 'Octomom.' But I don't know." --David Letterman

"But she's going to take the summer off, and then will come back next fall in the 10 o'clock slot." --David Letterman

"She said that before she decided to quit, she called Dick Cheney. Do you remember Dick 'Ka-boom' Cheney? And I thought, well, this is great because when you want some advice on strategic maneuvers, I mean, you go to the architect of the Iraqi war. I mean, isn't that where you go? That's where you want to be." --David Letterman

"But friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"Here's something wacky. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives -- well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It's a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel." --David Letterman

"But the book is going to be huge. It's being published by Random Cave." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations on your new senator, Al Franken, finally sworn in as Senator of Minnesota. Sworn in today, down in Washington. A lovely ceremony, officiated by the Church Lady." --David Letterman

"They swear him in today. Listen to this. He has to race right back to Minnesota to begin his re-election campaign. It's crazy." --David Letterman

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, Senator John McCain was reportedly surprised by Sarah Palin's resignation as governor of Alaska. He said he was surprised. McCain was also surprised to find that television now comes in color." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Russian President Dimitry Medvedev. This morning, he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Then, this afternoon, he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting, Obama would twist the Russian leader at their waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine

10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"

Late-Night TV Videos
Tuesday's Late-Night Joke Roundup

July 6, 2009

"President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house." --David Letterman

"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman, referring to his feud with Palin

"But a lot of public figures do this. And I've tried to do it. Doesn't work. You blame the media. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today, as a matter of fact, she was up in a helicopter, shooting Wolf Blitzer." --David Letterman

"But I was talking to a lady here in the audience who's from Alaska. And we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? Because she steps down and no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out, the title now is -- Miss Congeniality steps up, I think, -- is now the governor of Alaska. I think so." --David Letterman

"Everybody have a nice, happy Fourth of July? We took Mom to see the fireworks. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. Every time, a big one goes off, my mom screams, 'It's North Korea! It's North Korea! Run!'" --David Letterman

"How about that North Korea? Over the weekend, launched seven missiles, and Joe Biden, the Vice President, says that they're just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down." --David Letterman

"Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his 'soulmate.' And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it's a fiscal conservative, am I right?" --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Out of nowhere. It's crazy. She resigned. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party. But they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head." --Conan O'Brien

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returned to work today after spending a holiday weekend in Florida with his wife and children. Yeah. Or as Sanford called the weekend, 'a total waste of time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of political sex scandals, there's a rumor that former presidential candidate John Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress. It's true. Yeah, sources say the tape starts off with 45 minutes of John Edwards running his fingers through his own hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson

"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Takes on Sarah Palin Resignation
Conan: Mark Sanford or Danielle Steele?

June 26, 2009

"It's been reported that Governor Sanford's mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That's true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Sanford apologized to his Cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. And in response, his cabinet member said, 'An apology is not good enough. We want photos. That sounds hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Here's the latest in Iran: Opposition groups have announced that, from now on, they're going to hold their protest rallies online. All their protests will be online, yeah. Protestors say they're going to overthrow the Iranian regime, then they're going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford -- you know this guy? It's the guy that went to, like, on the Appalachian Trail and then he ended up cheating on his wife in Argentina. Anyway, he met with his wife, Jenny, for the first time since admitting his affair with the woman in Argentina yesterday. It did not go very well. The first thing he asked was, 'Did I get any emails while I was away?' ... Then he said, 'Hey, if it's any consolation, I got you a shot glass at the airport.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Celebrity birthday, Ross Perot, do you remember Ross Perot, ran for president a couple of times? 79 years old today, and still vital, vibrant and going strong. As a matter of fact, he received 9% of the vote in Iran." --David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Weekend Late-Night Joke Roundup

June 25, 2009

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Late Show.' My name is Dave, or as the governor of South Carolina would say, gracias!" --David Letterman

"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman

"This Ahmadinejad guy, during all those protests, keeping a very low profile in Iran. His staff said he was hiking." --David Letterman

"President Obama was so upset about the Iranian crackdown that he told the Iranian diplomats that they would not be invited to the Fourth of July party. And I said, well, by God, that will teach them right there." --David Letterman

"And it's a darn shame because Ahmadinejad makes wonderful potato salad." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from South Carolina? You're here but you don't want to admit it." --David Letterman

"Well, it's the latest political scandal. Mr. And Mrs. Sanford, you know, the Jon and Kate of politics." --David Letterman

"Turned out the governor disappears, for like, the weekend. Finally, his staff said, 'Don't worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.' But it turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was with a woman from Argentina. Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don't necessarily have better judgment than white men." --David Letterman

"What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading." --David Letterman

"It's a disaster for everybody down there in South Carolina. Although I have to say, yesterday, it was nice to see somebody else apologize on TV." --David Letterman

"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman

"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman

"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien

"A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. Isn't that the lowest? Yeah, probably the most shameless had to be, 'Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's another new development in the Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response, Hillary Clinton said, 'Wait. You can do that? No one told me that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"People are calling him a hypocrite, because he's another family values politician having an affair, but I don't see it in political terms. I'm just embarrassed for my gender. Ladies, if you want to know what it's like being a guy, think about the fact that there's a man, the governor of a good-sized state, who asked himself, 'Hmm, can I sneak off to Argentina for a week with my lover without anybody finding out?' And somehow came up with the answer 'yes.' I hope that gives you a sense of what we're up against." --Jimmy Kimmel

"What's especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery -- whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol -- a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford

10. Began last "State of the State" address, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"
9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states
8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated.
7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President.
6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout.
5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov."
4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx.
3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents.
2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again.
1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts About Mark Sanford
Jimmy Fallon and the Roots Slow Jam the Healthcare Debate
Daily Show: Cheney Predacted
Colbert: Exorcisms Of Gay Teens Put Gay Demons On The Loose

June 24, 2009

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"This whole affair is really a sad story. That has to be the worst thing ever done by a guy named Sanford, except for that episode of 'Sanford & Son' where Fred broke Lamont's glass figurine collection." --Craig Ferguson

"Good for her I say! Good for you! Finally! I never understood why these women had to stand by their douchebag at the press conference. He's like, 'Oh I did this I did that then I took off her dress and then we went to Hooters'...I think what the wives should do is just wear a t-shirt that says 'I'm with stupid.'" --Craig Ferguson, on Mark Sanford's wife not appearing at his press conference

"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson (Watch video clip)

"Last night, we talked about the strange disappearance of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. The media reported he was hiking the Appalachian Trail and forgot to tell anyone, including his wife and sons, over Father's Day weekend. We here reported that he had actually gone into the woods to chase a coyote and f*** it. It turns out, we were both wrong [on screen: a report saying Sanford had been in Argentina]. I apologize to you, sir, for implying that you were a coyote f***er. Clearly, you went to Argentina to have dirty, dirty sex with a capybara, a giant rodent indigenous to the Argentine region." --Jon Stewart

"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart

"'Come on, honey, let's f***. You're giving me blue state balls.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Well, you know what they say, in the way that no man can resist the wiles of an exotic Argentine woman, those same women are equally tantalized by middle-aged, fiscally conservative Episcopalians."--Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Their governor down there, Mark Sanford disappears. He's gone for four days. The first time he said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. Okay, I'm just dumb enough to believe that. Then he says, 'No, no, no, forget the Appalachian Trail. I was in South America.' Now, I'm not sure I'm with him. Today he said he woke up in Las Vegas, hung over with a tiger and a baby." --David Letterman

"I have to be careful here. I haven't had much luck with jokes about governors, so I have to be careful." --David Letterman

"But now it turns out that he was in Argentina with another woman. A married guy, got a family, he's in Argentina with another woman. And here's what I want to know -- why can't he be like our former governor and use a local escort service? What's the problem?" --David Letterman

"You know about this Bernie Madoff, the weasel? The guy - I mean, up to a couple of weeks ago, he was the most hated man in America. And then I had my trouble with the governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"Well, they're getting ready to sentence the guy and they're talking about he could go away for quite a long time, and he's now asking the judge for a reduced sentence. Did you know you could do that? I had no idea you could say, 'Well, you know what? I was thinking more in terms of, you know, maybe a weekend now, and a weekend after the holidays.'" --David Letterman

"Yeah, Bernie is asking for a sentence of 12 years. Nice to see the guy hasn't lost his sense of humor." --David Letterman

"But in addition to the sentence, he is also banned from trading securities. And I thought, well, they nipped that in the bud. Way to go." --David Letterman

"You guys remember Dick Cheney? Vice President for eight years? Listen to this - and by all means try to stay in your seats when you hear the news. Don't be rushing out to bookstores. He's written a memoir about his life. Not just a memoir, a thousand pages! It's a great book. You can actually use it to stand on to reach a better book." --David Letterman

"This guy doesn't say anything for eight years, and now he's got a thousand-page book? Talk about torture. There's your torture right there." --David Letterman
"Anyway, the book is fantastic, and you better get to Barnes & Noble early for the book shooting." --David Letterman

"You folks been following what's going on in Iran? Listen to this. They've been going over the voting results, the presidential election, and the president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, received more than 100% of the vote." --David Letterman

"And now, you know, you're not supposed to have any kind of a protest and the government is saying, 'There's no protesting going on. People are not booing. The crowds that you see are not booing. They're just chanting, 'Mahmoud! Mahmoud! Mahmoud!''' --David Letterman

"But the Iranian supreme leader says the election results are official. He said, 'It's over, the election results are official. And besides that, it costs too much to rig another election.'" --David Letterman

"And President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He's very upset about what's going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he's going to stop smoking Camels." --David Letterman

"Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who's the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic women." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The 'Transformers' sequel came out today. One of the 'Transformers' is a Chevrolet. Fortunately, it has a sidekick that transforms into a tow truck." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, two Columbia University students who major in statistics say the Iranian election was rigged because they found there were too many sevens and not enough fives in the vote total. Then the students admitted that they have too many free evenings and not enough girlfriends." --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse which they say will be better for the environment than the traditional gas-powered hearse. Experts say it's the perfect way to tell everyone at your funeral procession, 'I'm judging you from beyond the grave.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen Sandiego." --Jimmy Fallon

"On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." --Jimmy Fallon

"Needless to say, this not great news for the Republican party. So many prominent Republicans have been caught in these situations lately: Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, David Vitter, John Ensign from Nevada. And do you want to know why this is happening? The gays. They've destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is what we get" --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses

10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating.
9. Had to so something after devastating news about Jon and Kate.
8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer.
7. Let's talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall.
6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey.
5. It's Ahmadinejad's fault.
4. If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too, am I right fellas?
3. Putting together my audition tape for "The Amazing Race."
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?
1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno

Late-Night TV Videos
Craig Ferguson Applauds Sanford's Wife For Not Standing By Her Douchebag
Daily Show: Mark Sanford's Affair
Colbert Report: Mark Sanford Does Something Interesting

June 23, 2009

"The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the U.S.S. John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn't dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own." --Conan O'Brien

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not going to run for governor of California. Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country and you can understand every word he says." --Conan O'Brien

"Do you know anything about this swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? He's in jail now and they haven't even sentenced the guy yet. But he's in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I'm thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?" --David Letterman

"And his attorney is looking for a shorter sentence. He wants 12 years. Bernie wants 12 years. Well, you know, if anybody deserves a break, it's this guy, really." --David Letterman

"Bernie could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that's a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in." --David Letterman

"Have you been following what's going on in Iran? Oh, it's crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn't ruin the swinging Iranian night life." --David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, 'Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let's go. Let's get those plans in order. Let's have some fun.'" --David Letterman

"And the leader of Iran's opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he's ready to become a martyr. Don't kid yourselves. It's tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you're only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford just disappears for four days. Literally, takes a hike. He's out. And now, he's back. And he says, 'Well what's the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.' You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"This is a big story because his wife, the governor's wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, 'Hey, who's your travel agent? Who, where, how do I -- how do I get in on this?'" --David Letterman

"Here's a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I'm kind of afraid to say anything." --David Letterman

June 19, 2009

See Also:
Letterman Pokes Fun at 'Fire David Letterman' Protest
Letterman Apologizes to Palin for Joke About Daughter
Top 10 Late-Night Jokes About Bristol Palin

"The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we're going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher

"No, it's sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that's propped up by oil, that's led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska."

"The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist." --Bill Maher

"Don't you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that's how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what's going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they're dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service." --Bill Maher

"And I think what's interesting, is with all this going on in the world, the top news on the Fox News website was a recall of Tollhouse cookie dough. I'm not kidding. Forget Iran, forget healthcare, for the average Fox viewer, the most important question for them was, is my lard safe?" --Bill Maher

"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher

"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher

"They said his chief of staff, the guy who's wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That's a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? 'Look, senator, I'm upside-down on my mortgage, you've been upside down on my wife...'" --Bill Maher

"This is all very ironic, because this is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama, because he won't come out for gay marriage. He threw them a ball with federal benefits. They didn't like that. They said, we are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected. He said, well that's almost like being married." --Bill Maher

"In other news, the world's oldest man died, he was 113, and a leading voice of the young Republicans." --Bill Maher

"And finally, I'm saving the big story for last. Have you heard this? We are preparing for a big high seas showdown with North Korea. You heard that? They may be transporting nukes. We're going to intercept their ships. It's going to be fun stuff! That's right, we're going to be intercepting their ships. The winner of the round meets the Somali pirates. And the loser has to fight the Carnival cruise line." --Bill Maher

"The big news, the Iranian government is trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That's the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran's supreme leader declared last week's presidential election 'an absolute victory.' That's what he said. Yep. Yeah, then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship." --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. That's cool. Yeah. And in a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin." --Conan O'Brien

"On Wednesday night, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow, so yesterday, she worked from home. Mm-hmm. Yeah, which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words 'Help Me' with garden gnomes." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. The state of New Hampshire is projecting an additional $55 million in revenue, now that they've legalized gay marriage. Yeah, as a result, the state motto has been changed from 'Live Free or Die' to 'These Blueberry Scones are to Die For.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there's no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know, I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross." --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Bill Maher's New Rules: Democrats Are the New Republicans
Bill Maher: FOX News Nutjobs

June 18, 2009

"My family is taking me out to brunch on Father's Day. I'm looking forward to the picketing." --David Letterman

"But my son, God bless him. In school, he made me a very special Father's Day gift. It's a huge in-box for all my hate mail." --David Letterman

"And by the way, if you haven't bought dad a gift for Father's Day, you can't go wrong with the new book by Rush Limbaugh. You know the one I'm talking about? 'Too Fat to Fish.'" --David Letterman

"They're having a lot of trouble over there in Iran. They had the presidential election. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- it was controversial, they were tied, and now he's claiming that he won by a landslide. So his opposition, they're out on the streets. And you know, when you're out in Iran, you're not supposed to be -- public displays, no, you can't do that. And it's like hundreds of thousands of people in the streets now protesting this election. And the government is going crazy. And they're saying, 'No, no, no, no. It's not a -- no, that, that's not a protest. Those are folks just lining up to get their new iPhones.'" --David Letterman

"But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"But the Iranian supreme leader will be speaking about the presidential election tomorrow. And if he does well, Al Jazeera will give him the 10:00 p.m. spot." --David Letterman

"Here's some wacky news. Last week, Sonia Sotomayor busted up her leg and I guess yesterday Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. It's crazy. And I was thinking, what a coincidence. I have a bad elbow myself. I really do. It's from all the drinking I've been doing the last couple of weeks. Hello!" --David Letterman

"But I thought this was nice. When he heard she broke her elbow, Rush Limbaugh sent over some painkillers. So she's going to be fine." --David Letterman

"But she - here's what happened. This was sad. Hillary apparently broke her elbow when she slipped and fell bursting into Bill's office unannounced." --David Letterman

"Here's fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick 'Boom Boom' Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn't it? He's been upgraded from hated to unpopular." --David Letterman

"I'm not surprised that Dick Cheney's approval rating has really soared, really skyrocketed, up to 26%. Because you know, he gave people what they wanted. He left office." --David Letterman

"A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran now. And I mean everybody's worried. This is a true story. Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he'd get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers." --Conan O'Brien

"The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life." --Conan O'Brien

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her elbow. You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn't even break his hair." --Craig Ferguson

"Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she's telling everybody it was sniper fire." --Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service performed beautifully but they had to use the Jaws of Life to cut Hillary out of her pantsuit." --Craig Ferguson

"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon

"Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir Hossein Mousavi actually won the election and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. The guy can't win anything." --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's some good news. President Obama just appointed Tom Brokaw to his Commission on White House Fellowships, mostly because he loves to hear Brokaw try to pronounce fellowship." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know how flies got on PETA's do not kill list, but they have. And I say let he who is without a stain on his windshield that used to be a moth cast the first stone." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House, though, doesn't like confrontation. You know, they like to work things out. So as a gesture of goodwill, they have relocated the fly's family to the Rose Garden, where they are now living on a fresh pile of Bo Obama's dog droppings. So that's nice." --Jimmy Kimmel

"If you haven't seen the video, it is pretty impressive. Reminds me of the time our previous president killed a worm with his tricycle." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl broke the fall, so she is okay." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone at the White House is concerned about her, and to wish her well today, they flew a pantsuit at half mast." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some massive protests continued today in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people swarmed the streets to protest what they believe was election fraud in the re-election of President Mahmoud A Members Only Jacket." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Irandecision 2009 - The Oppression of House Republicans
Daily Show: Mick Huckabee Interview
Colbert: Murder in the White House - Jeff Goldblum
Colbert: Recap of the Week

June 17, 2009

"Glad you people are here. Because yesterday, we had kind of a thing, and think about this - this was a little weird. Right here, we're doing the show, right across the street on Broadway, they had the 'Fire Dave' rally going on. Yeah. I mean, it was a gathering of people who actually hate me. Now, at my house, we call that Thanksgiving." --David Letterman

"And I just want to say a word of thanks to the great CBS television network. They've been wonderful through everything. But yesterday, I thought maybe they were just a little too eager to cash in on this whole thing with the rally. I mean, at the CBS store out on the corner, you know, they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies." --David Letterman

"Well, here's more big news going on in Iran. You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well, here it is. It's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent, Mir Hussein Moussavi. And they had one of those friendly bets. If Ahmadinejad wins the election, he gets a crate of figs, see. If Moussavi wins the election, he gets brutally slain." --David Letterman

"So now they're going through the recount. They're recounting the ballots cast in the Iranian election, and today they found 14 more votes for Norm Coleman." --David Letterman

"It's illegal for rallies or demonstrations in Iran. But yet you turn on the news, and you see hundreds of thousands of people in the streets protesting, and the government says: 'No, no, no. That's not a public protest. Those are just people lining up to see 'The Hangover.'' --David Letterman

"Here's the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he's got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

"But now, Barack Obama says that four of the Guantanamo prisoners are going to Bermuda. Same thing CBS is trying to do with me." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. You're thinking, Bermuda, tough, really? Yes, yes. Let me answer that for you. The prisons in Bermuda are no laughing matter. It's a tough place: no flip-flops in the dining room." --David Letterman

"Well, our old friend John McCain -- and I think we should all follow this man's example -- bought a hybrid car. It's not his first hybrid car. His first one was actually a horse and buggy." --David Letterman

"Yeah, it's a hybrid car. I hear this one runs on gasoline and Metamucil." --David Letterman

"People are suspecting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's re-election may have been a sham because he's claiming he won by a 2-1 margin. They're also suspicious of Ahmadinejad's claim that he's dating Megan Fox." --Conan O'Brien

"The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama hard at work on the health-care situation. His new health-care bill proposal is so expensive, though, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic, it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three." --Conan O'Brien

"It has been reported that Twitter usage ... is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it's hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch." --Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama Kills A Fly
Colbert Calls Obama Murderer, Holds Memorial For Fly He Killed
Daily Show in Iran: Jason Gets Gets Access to Evil

June 16, 2009

"Thank you very much. Welcome to the 'Late Show', ladies and gentlemen. Now, when I call your name, please come forward and pick up your apology." --David Letterman

"I want to get through this as quickly as possible so you folks can get to the 'Fire Dave' rally." --David Letterman

"It's nice that people hate me who are no longer just part of my immediate family." --David Letterman

"My son, you know, he's telling everybody at school that his father is Conan." --David Letterman

"Yeah, there's a 'Fire Dave' rally going on outside, but I think it's just about over because the last time I looked, they were breaking up and heading to Flashdancers. So I think it's going to be all right." --David Letterman

"But let's focus on the good news. And the good news is that Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. And she also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you, to be honest, I was quite nervous about this whole thing. And I was really nervous about an apology to Sarah Palin. So what I did to get my confidence up, to get my nerves to settle down, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey. That helped. That was a big help." --David Letterman

"Trouble here in New York City with Canada geese. And because they pose a threat to air travel in New York New York City is now at war with Canada geese. And Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He is so serious, he's bringing in Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? Well how about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? You know, he won, he has won the election now. And people are angry, and they're demanding a recount. And as a matter of fact, the last unofficial account actually had Al Franken ahead. They've gone crazy." --David Letterman

"And the Iranian government denies that there are crowds of protesters in the street. They're out there, like 100,000 people in the streets of Iran protesting. But the government denies that protests are going on. They say it's just citizens enjoying their new pedestrian mall." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is closing down that Guantanamo Bay. Did you hear about this? And they had, like, 300 desperate, awful, nasty prisoners. And they say, 'All right, well, they're shutting it down, what do you do with those guys?' I say, aw hell, bring 'em to the audience. Let 'em come and enjoy the show. Have a nice time. Participate in the rally." --David Letterman

"But he's sending some of these people to Bermuda. And the really tough ones, they're going to Ft. Lauderdale." --David Letterman

"He doesn't know what to do with the Guantanamo Bay prisoners, and I was thinking, well, you know, if you want to keep 'em busy, just put 'em in charge of my hate mail." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM and FM radio." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran has been really cracking down on foreign journalists. So now, they're actually preventing reporters from leaving their hotel rooms. And this, of course, leaves the journalists with nothing to do but order up sexy movies of women wearing slacks." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General motors said, 'It's a perfect fit because we only sell a dozen cars a year.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he's buying a brand new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer. Now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What's going on? I think he's like Benjamin Button. He'll be a cute little baby." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hi, everyone. I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I'm planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately. He was all over NBC the week before last. Next week, he's doing a two-hour, primetime town hall here on ABC. But if we didn't want our President on TV all the time, maybe we shouldn't have elected Oprah's boyfriend." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a crazy story. Fidel Castro, the former Cuban dictator, has a son named Antonio. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part - for eight months, Antonio Castro carried on an online affair with what he thought was a beautiful Colombian woman. That woman turned out to be a man, a Cuban activist who lives in Miami. It's especially fun because the Internet is difficult to access in Cuba. To get online in Cuba, you know, you have to give - I think you have to give five fish to a guy who has ColecoVision hooked up to a 1958 Impala." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Takes on 'Fire David Letterman' Protest
The Daily Show Mocks CNN's Iran Coverage

June 15, 2009

"Welcome to the 'Late Show.' I'm Dave Letterman, goodwill ambassador. I got a call from Mom earlier today and she told me she was siding with the Governor." --David Letterman

"Honestly, how many of you are only here tonight hoping that I'll offend somebody else?" --David Letterman

"Here's good news for visitors. Times Square, have you been down to Times Square? It's now -- well, it's now a pedestrian mall. They have 400 beach chairs in the middle of the street. And if you don't get one of those beach chairs, well, I'll lend you a bag of my hate mail. You can relax on that." --David Letterman

"You folks know about Bernie Madoff? Oh, oh, I mean, most hated man in America. Me, Bernie Madoff. It's right there. It's kind of a one, two thing. He was way out in front 'til a couple of days ago. But the New York Times says his wife, Ruth, is the loneliest woman in New York City. Shunned by friends and neighbors. Well, tell me about it. --David Letterman

"How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It's compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn't resist his good looks and charisma." --David Letterman

"But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan." --David Letterman

"But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East." --David Letterman

"But the guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air." --David Letterman

"And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida." --David Letterman
"Because earlier, in the Iranian elections, it was a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the other guy were tied, and now, couple a days later, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins by a landslide. I don't know. People are very upset. I mean, they sparked violent protests, calls for investigation, there is national outrage. Uh, wait a minute, that's me." --David Letterman

"Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, big, big news is from Iran right now. Incredible, three days of riots, street fighting, people setting fire to everything. I'm not sure who won over there, Ahmadinejad or the Lakers." --Conan O'Brien

"President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They're now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he'd be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?" --Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden said something interesting in an interview, just this weekend. Vice President Joe Biden said he still has his eye on the presidency, which is weird since the question was, 'How do you take your coffee?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They're going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China." --Conan O'Brien

"Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it's due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere - in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida." --Craig Ferguson

"Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That's like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I'm not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, 'Oh, they're good.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Well, the results from Iran's presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn't work, he's planning on making a documentary about global warming." --Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Irandecision 2009 - Sham, Wow
Colbert: Warm Memories of Iraq
Stephen's Sound Advice - How to Be a Totalitarian Nutjob

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Read Jokes from Previous Weeks