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Latest Late-Night Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

July 22, 2015

"A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it, 'You forgot very rich ... I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, 'New phone, who dis?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump's children released a statement this week calling their father a 'true visionary and a great mentor.' And Trump released a statement calling his kids 'suck-ups' and 'not the best.'" –Seth Meyers

More Late-Night Jokes
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July 21, 2015

"Donald Trump's not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn't need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would've responded but he was busy drafting his new 'mandatory Mexican gay weed' bill." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced 'The Godfather' and said his nickname used to be 'Veto Corleone' because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you're the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn't bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Washington Post/ABC poll shows Donald Trump leading the pack of Republican presidential contenders. They must be polling the same people who voted for Sanjaya on 'American Idol.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I've never seen anything like this. Giving phone numbers out, it's like Trump's running for president of a sorority or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone number aloud on live TV. It's the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that." –Seth Meyers

"Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer." –Seth Meyers

"The White House is making a special Twitter account to answer questions about the new nuclear agreement. Finally using Twitter for what it was designed for — explaining complex, international nuclear agreements involving several nations." –Seth Meyers

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July 20, 2015

"Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, 'I like people that weren't captured.' Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, 'And that's coming from ME!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Perry actually said Trump is a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense who is unfit to be president. Then Perry took off his glasses and said, 'Whoa! I think these things are magic!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on 'Celebrity Apprentice' between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump had a very good reason for not fighting in the Vietnam War. He had student deferments and a medical deferment because of his feet. He had a bone spur." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe we should enter Donald Trump in a surf competition. Even if he doesn't get eaten by a shark it would be worth it to see him with his hair wet, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry said this weekend that he believes Boy Scouts would be 'better off if they didn't have openly gay scoutmasters.' Man, between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don't want gays tying the knot." –Seth Meyers

More Late-Night Jokes
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July 17, 2015

"Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show 'Celebrity Apprentice,' where he just FIRED the crazies." –Jimmy Fallon

"MSNBC host Lawrence O'Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his 'Apprentice' series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump's claim, saying, 'We don't have $20 million. We're NBC.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen." –Jimmy Fallon

July 16, 2015

"Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump's winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over on the Democratic side, Martin O'Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn't running for president to be quote, 'wined and dined' by executives. Then Chris Christie said, 'And I am also not running to be wined.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new poll of Democratic voters, presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee came in with zero percent support. Or in other words: We're all tied with presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said 'Hey, she stole my speech.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama today became the first sitting U.S. president to visit a federal prison. And for a brief moment, there was some real excitement over at Fox News." –Seth Meyers

July 15, 2015


"Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he's made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20." –Jimmy Fallon

"Shepard Fairey, the street artist responsible for President Obama's 'Hope' poster, is now facing vandalism charges in Detroit. It's pretty serious. Detroit officials say the artist's spray paint caused over $9,000 worth of improvements." –Jimmy Fallon

"With more and more states legalizing marijuana, companies are lining up to create the first marijuana breathalyzer. Officials say the toughest part is getting stoners to stop trying to inhale off the breathalyzer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office." –Conan O'Brien

"After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over 'Celebrity Apprentice.' So Trump's greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job." –Seth Meyers

"Now that some economic sanctions are being lifted, Iranian citizens are apparently clamoring for Western products like iPhones. We should have just sent them iPhones in the first place. Then they'd never get any work done on a nuclear weapon." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama said yesterday that education is the key to reducing the prison population. Though apparently power tools also work." –Seth Meyer

July 14, 2015

"It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, 'That's great! Wait, WHAT?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The president of Iran prematurely announced the nuclear deal on Twitter yesterday before it was official. Which isn't that big a deal until you realize the guy who almost had nukes is known for accidentally hitting 'Send.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama announced that he is commuting the sentences of 46 prisoners, most of whom committed nonviolent crimes. Then those 46 convicts said, 'Actually we already escaped. Thanks for thinking of us, though.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They're drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That's how excited they are." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious." –Conan O'Brien

"Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 55 percent of Americans do not trust that Iran will abide by the terms of the nuclear deal. It's the same 55 percent who are running for the Republican nomination." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he'll just leave us for a younger country." –Seth Meyers

"A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely." –Seth Meyers

July 13, 2015

"Today Scott Walker announced that he is running for president, making him the 15th Republican candidate to enter the race. Which I think means we get the 16th one for free. I've got a punch card." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scott Walker's campaign slogan is 'Reform. Growth. Safety.' Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: 'Mexico. Money. Crazy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best." –Conan O'Brien

"The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It's historic — the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico." –Seth Meyers

"One of the contestants during last night's Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, 'They make $10 bills?'" –Seth Meyer

June 17, 2015

"Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' This is from the man who coined the catch phrase 'You're fired.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who said she is black, claimed there's no biological proof that she's white. However, today that was disproven by scientists who foundd wine cooler in her bloodstream." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country — specifically for my job here at this show." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio – a claim that was recently disproven by wind." –Seth Meyers

June 16, 2015

"Jeb Bush is here tonight, fresh off his announcement that he's running for president. We were also going to have Donald Trump as well, but last time we checked he was still giving his speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of 'Celebrity Apprentice' will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job." –Conan O'Brien

"Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen — because he's shouting. You have no choice but to listen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump said, 'The American dream is dead.' All right, well, it's not exactly 'Hope and change,' but it's a slogan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP." –Seth Meyers

"Former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said today that she doesn't think of herself as a con artist. Of course, she also doesn't think of herself as a white lady, but she is." –Seth Meyers

June 15, 2015


"What a game last night. The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals. The next time you'll see someone fighting this hard for Ohio won't be until next year's presidential election." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is taking his presidential campaign on a tour of Europe. He's telling Europeans, 'I like you guys because you're comfortable having the same family in charge for centuries.'" –Conan O"Brien

"Hillary Clinton has joined Instagram. Meanwhile, her Democratic opponent Bernie Sanders joined telegram." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton joined Instagram this afternoon and somehow she's already deleted thousands of photos." –Seth Meyers

June 9, 2015

"During a recent speech, Mike Huckabee said he is the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. 'You sure about that?' said President Barack Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mike Huckabee said he's the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who's the only person who fought a fax machine and lost." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said that despite any conflicts the West has no need to be afraid of Russia. Although keep in mind that Putin said that as he was petting a tank." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It's always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham, who is single, said today that if elected he will have a 'rotating first lady.' Even creepier, he said it on Tinder." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That's too bad. I was hoping he would run." –Seth Meyers

June 8, 2015

"We have a historic drought going on now in this state. Due to the drought, California Governor Jerry Brown said he has cut back on bathing. As a result, Californians have cut back on hanging out with Jerry Brown." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said every American should be able to afford to attend one of her speeches." –Conan O'Brien

"A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"At a summit this weekend, President Obama accidentally missed a high five from the prime minister of Iraq. Pretty embarrassing, but not as bad as the time George W. Bush left Saddam hanging." –Seth Meyers

"The biggest blockbuster of the summer is coming out, and it stars Barack Obama. It's a Disney picture called 'Honey, I Shrunk the Economy.'" –Seth Meyers

June 5, 2015

"Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he's running for president. Before he announced he's running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, 'Don't vote for me.' Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads." –Jimmy Fallon

June 4, 2015

"Former governor of Rhode Island Lincoln Chafee is challenging Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. During his announcement, he said, 'I realize I'm not that well known, don't have a ton of support, I'm limited on funds, and . . . why am I doing this again?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During his announcement, Chafee said it would help our economy if we embraced the metric system. Finally answering the question: What is the world's worst campaign slogan?" –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

"Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer." –Conan O'Brien

"We have a new Republican candidate for president who also happens to be an old Republican candidate for president, former Texas Governor Rick Perry. He's at it again, and why not? There are only so many coyotes you can shoot on your ranch. What else does he have to do?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican presidential race has more characters than 'Game of Thrones.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you seen Kim Jong Un lately? There are photos of him and he has put on pounds. According to sources, Kim Jong Un has been emotionally eating since Dennis Rodman was spotted on a date with another dictator." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee announced his run for president yesterday. And he said he wants the U.S. to switch to the metric system. OK, you know what? I will start — Lincoln Chafee won't get within a kilometer of the White House. He's several hectares away." –Seth Meyers

"IKEA, the world's largest furniture retailer, pledged over $1 billion earlier today to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it's probably going to take forever to put the money together." –Seth Meyers

June 2-3, 2015


"Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by 'Spider-Man' star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves." –Jimmy Fallon

"In the world of soccer, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced he's resigning only four days after he was re-elected. Now Sepp Blatter will go back to sounding like a disease you look up on WebMD." –Jimmy Fallon

"The 79-year-old FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, will resign less than a week after the organization was rocked by a corruption scandal. But if you only learned one thing from all this, it's that you can never trust a 79-year-old Blatter." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it's free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it's $100,000 to get out." –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies." –Conan O'Brien

"In the world of soccer, after the arrest of numerous other officials, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced his resignation this afternoon. Sepp Blatter doesn't sound like the name of a guy who's stepping down. It sounds like the reason." –Seth Meyers

"Senator Lindsey Graham announced that he's running for president because, you know, you want 50 people to run for president." –Seth Meyers

"If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he'd also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony." –Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz said he thinks John F. Kennedy would be a Republican if he were alive today. Well, of course he would be Republican. He'd be 98 years old." –Seth Meyers

June 1, 2015

"During a speech in Iowa this weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they 'can't have it all.' Billionaires would've responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There's massive corruption, a massive scandal, in international soccer. The first clue was when a soccer team scored a suspiciously high three goals in one game." –Conan O'Brien

"In Michigan, the world's oldest person recently turned 116. When the president called to congratulate her, she said, 'Tell McKinley I'm busy.'" –Conan O'Brien

May 21, 2015

"This week presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders made around $2,000 last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the $25 million the Clintons made. Making him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates." –Conan O'Brien

"The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, 'Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I was surprised to hear this. Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans." –Seth Meyers

"Chelsea Clinton has written a children's book titled “It’s Your World: Get Informed, Get Inspired & Get Going.” It’s a great book to read to your workaholic toddler." –Seth Meyers

May 20, 2015


"I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter." –David Letterman

"When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'" –David Letterman

"Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'" –David Letterman

"My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers." –David Letterman

"I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman." –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone else.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"In about 34 minutes David Letterman is going to air his last episode. In 1993, I took over his iconic late-night show. I was a complete unknown with no experience performing on TV. I was totally unprepared for that enormous job. I don't think that could happen today. I don't think the government would allow it. I was in way over my head, and with my hair that's saying something." –Conan O'Brien

"After four dreary months, out of the blue we got a message that David Letterman wanted to come on as a guest. Dave was the biggest thing on TV. He didn't go on other people's shows. It was like The Beatles asking Maury Povich if they could stop by and sing a couple of tunes." –Conan O'Brien

"I have no illusions anyone is watching me this evening. But if there happen to be a few of you out there, I'm going to let you know the exact moment when Dave's show is starting, and I'd like you to switch over. I may be talking to seven viewers at that time, but I really think you should do it." –Conan O'Brien

"We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there'll be almost enough seats for all the candidates." –Seth Meyers

May 19, 2015

"Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day." –David Letterman

"A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. " –David Letterman

"Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters say that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, because it would be rude to say 'anyone but Donald Trump.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is trying to get the young vote. She's doing her best to win over millennials. Hillary's telling millennials if all goes well, she too plans to move back into the home where she lived in the 1990s." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that knowing what we know now, he would not have invaded Iraq. Mostly because 'what we know now' is that Rick Perry will never be president." –Seth Meyers

"A new survey came out and Washington, D.C., has been named the fittest city in the country. And it makes sense. Just think of all of the exercise they get running for re-election, walking back statements, dodging questions, and jumping to conclusions. That's all cardio." –Seth Meyers

May 18, 2015

"George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. … This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters." –Conan O'Brien

"I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear. " –David Letterman

"Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy." –David Letterman

"Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Tonight I will be talking with Tom Hanks. Next week I'll be at the post office talking with the clerk." –David Letterman

"President Obama joined Twitter today with a tweet that began 'Hello, Twitter!' His bio says, 'Dad, husband, and president of the United States.' He didn't have to say 'Dad.' We got that when he tweeted 'Hello, Twitter!'" –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their healthcare than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can't afford healthcare, just buy yourself an Apple Watch." –Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin reportedly scored eight goals during a hockey game in Sochi this weekend. And the goalie only had one save: his own life." –Seth Meyers

May 15, 2015

"It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy's Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy's Country Ham House." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to 'life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former New York Governor George Pataki may enter the race for president. It's not definite, but he tweeted that he'll announce his 2016 plans on May 28 in New Hampshire. Well, what's he gonna do, go to New Hampshire to say he's NOT running? That's like getting down on one knee and saying, 'I think it's time to see other people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like." –David Letterman

"I already have an idea. I'm going to start a line of salad dressing, and it will be just like Paul Newman's salad dressing but instead of the profits going to charity the way Paul Newman's profits go to charity, my profits won't." –David Letterman

May 14, 2015

"By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her. " –David Letterman

"George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint." –David Letterman

"I got a call today from a guy I have never heard of before, and he said, 'Hi, Dave, it's Bob. I'm with CBS. Look, the day after you guys leave the theater we're going to send a team in there to take care of the asbestos. –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's younger brother Tony is facing criticism for using the Clintons' political connections to help his career. So on the down side, she has a sketchy brother named Tony. On the up side, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out Hillary's brother could damage her campaign. But then Jeb Bush said, 'I think we all get a pass on who our brothers are.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow, Mitt Romney will have a boxing match with Evander Holyfield for charity. And I suspect that's what Romney will be yelling the whole time. 'For charity, Evander!'" –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney will box Evander Holyfield tomorrow. So finally, someone can honestly say 'Mitt, I think you should run.'" –Seth Meyers

May 13, 2015


"Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to 'be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.' And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Senate Democrats blocked President Obama's trade bill yesterday because they're worried it could hurt jobs. It's not an issue for Republicans, since they've all found work as presidential candidates." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants." –David Letterman

"I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs." –David Letterman

"Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host 'The Apprentice.' His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Things like that make me glad I live in America -- where our political figures are free to fall asleep wherever they want." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Jong Un -- it's really Catch-22 with him. If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 11-12, 2015

"In celebration of Mother's Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, 'Thanks, Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy Mother's Day. Yesterday, President Obama personally called three mothers who had written him letters recently. Man, do I feel sorry for any of their kids who forgot to call." –Seth Meyers

"The mother would say, 'Oh, you didn't have time to call. Do you know who did have time? The president — of the United States of America — yeah, that president. So no, flowers on Wednesday does not make it OK.'" –Seth Meyers

"The White House is testing out new spikes that would make it difficult to jump the fence. So if you're wondering what kind of cutting-edge technology the Secret Service is using to protect the president, it's spikes. I think someone saw an episode of 'Game of Thrones.'" –Seth Meyers

"Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house." –David Letterman

May 7-8, 2015

"People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, 'Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to 'Dude, ranches.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, 'Actually I just made that poll up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Apparently there are incriminating texts and emails about what they call deflate-gate. Earlier today Hillary Clinton announced that she would be happy to delete them." –David Letterman

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

May 6, 2015


"Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, 'You know what, we're good. We're gonna head back now. We had enough.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." –Conan O'Brien

"The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice." –David Letterman

"Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno." –David Letterman

May 4-5, 2015

"Bernie Sanders' presidential campaign announced that it raised over $1.5 million in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised $7 million in five minutes after announcing his idea for juice box water guns." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought 'CarlyFiorina.org' and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, 'Thanks, Bo Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole." –David Letterman

April 30-May 1, 2015

"Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, 'Good luck with the reboot of your '90s show.' And they said, 'Thanks. Good luck with yours.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, 'Looking good, Un.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president." –David Letterman

"This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale." –David Letterman

"The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me." –David Letterman

"I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet." –David Letterman

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you can." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 29, 2015

"Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton gave a speech at Columbia University this afternoon. She ended it the way Clintons always end their speeches, by saying, 'That'll be $200,000.'" –Seth Meyers

"It was such a nice day today that President Obama left the White House and went for a walk around the neighborhood. Even more amazing, THIS is the first the Secret Service is hearing about it." –Seth Meyers

April 28, 2015

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, 'Why didn't you just say that in a speech?' and she said, 'Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn't have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow's game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, 'You get used to it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him." –David Letterman

April 27, 2015

"In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC's Diane Sawyer, 'For all intents and purposes, I'm a woman.' At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii." –Jimmy Fallon

"The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

"Jenner also identified himself as a conservative Republican. He said he believes that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will support him and advocate for transgender issues. Yeah, of course they will. They're probably having the buttons printed as we speak." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 23-34, 2015

"At the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked first lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Michelle answered, 'Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You'd think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, 'We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out." –David Letterman

"Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?" –David Letterman

"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" –David Letterman

April 22, 2015


"Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day." –Jimmy Fallon

"Shouldn't every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons." –David Letterman

"Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

"The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Earth Day. So this year I'm finally gonna do it. I'm gonna find out what the blue trash cans are for." –Seth Meyers

"The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you'll finally be able to say to a police officer, 'No, no, this is just weed.'" Seth Meyers

"There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea's highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain." –Jimmy Fallon

"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day." –Seth Meyers

April 20-21, 2015

"Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn." –David Letterman

"Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg." –David Letterman

"In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many people suddenly trying to jump the White House fence? Is this the new ice bucket challenge or something?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Because of all the jumpers, they are thinking of putting steel spikes on top of the fence, which is crazy. The White House fence doesn't already have spikes? Garbage dumps have spikes on the fence. There are abandoned Blockbuster video store fences that have spikes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren't releasing the fence jumper's identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit." –Seth Meyers

April 16-17, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'" –David Letterman

"Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying — because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening." –David Letterman

"The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'" –David Letterman

April 16, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair." –Conan O'Brien

"Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can't write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that's not going to happen." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life." –David Letterman

"Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit." –David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 57 percent of the people believe Hillary Clinton will be the next president. Now 43 percent of the people in that poll believe Hillary Clinton is already president. –David Letterman

April 15, 2015


"Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, 'Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good." – Conan O'Brien

"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person." –David Letterman

"Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit. " –David Letterman

"Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience." –David Letterman

"The IRS specifically selected April 15 as tax day. They knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A study says that traffic fatalities go up 6 percent on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. If you are just realizing it is tax day, don't worry about it. The IRS is pretty cool about this stuff." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you've been overpaying all year long. It's like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, 'Oh, presents.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 14, 2015

"Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain." –Conan O'Brien

"Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048." –Conan O'Brien

"It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?" –David Letterman

"The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?" –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me." –David Letterman

"Have we all decided who we're going to vote for president yet? You know you only have 574 days left to figure it out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton announced that she is running. Then she drove from New York to Iowa in a van. You can't be president of the United States unless you agree to eat a corn dog in front of a small group of farmers." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 13, 2015

Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She's going to join the all-female cast of 'Ghost Busters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history." –Conan O'Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die." –Conan O'Brien

"It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss." –David Letterman

April 9, 2015

"Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, 'Hillary's going to do great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"When he was asked about Hillary's candidacy, Obama said, 'If she's her wonderful self, I'm sure she'll do great.' He added, 'If she's her other self, watch out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say 'I'm ridin' with Biden.' It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using — 'I'm hidin' from Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

April 8, 2015


"Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner." –Jimmy Fallon

"John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, 'Why is he talking to that mannequin?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"John McCain responded to critics who say he's too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain." –Jimmy Fallon

"The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads." –Conan O'Brien

"Election season is heating up. We're starting to hear who's running for president in 2016. Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 campaign sometime in the next two weeks. So remember, act surprised." –Seth Meyers

"A new poll in Cuba shows that President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. Then again, so is putting your whole family on a raft in the middle of
the night." –Seth Meyers

April 7, 2015


"Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex." –Jimmy Fallon

"A massive power outage in Washington, D.C., today affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, '2016?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up." –Conan O'Brien

"The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new become coming out that slams president Obama. You can buy the book from Amazon or download the version directly from Cheney's heart." –Conan O'Brien

"Rand Paul announced he is running for president and bloggers pointed out that his campaign symbol, a small flame, looks nearly identical to the logo for the dating app Tinder. It's appropriate because in either case you have no idea what you're getting into and it probably won't work out." –Seth Meyers

"British Prime Minister David Cameron is facing criticism from working-class voters after he was caught on camera today eating a hot dog with a knife and fork. And he got criticism from wealthy voters because he used a hamburger fork." –Seth Meyers

April 6, 2015


"President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect — telling people, 'Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church's president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with — Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn't wait to hear his suggestions." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent." –Conan O'Brien

"According to The New York Times, Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. While Hillary Clinton identified herself as 'President.'" –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic, so I guess it's actually pronounced 'Yeb Bush.'" –Seth Meyers

April 2-3, 2015

"After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, 'But just for Lent. We'll start again on Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton's friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she's nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American." –Jimmy Fallon

"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"We actually had to tape earlier than usual today. Not because of the first lady's schedule, but so the Secret Service could make it to happy hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, 'OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails." –David Letterman

"Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents." –David Letterman

April 1, 2015


"President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes — eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said 'Thanks Obama' but actually meant it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, 'April Fools.' It wasn't his best joke." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'" –David Letterman

"In Indiana, state legislators played a hilarious April Fools' prank on gays and lesbians. They convinced them they'd passed a law that would let businesses discriminate against them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You've all heard about the Indiana religious freedom law? Some people think it's anti-gay. Well, presidential hopefuls Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have all come out in favor of the new law. Well, I guess I shouldn't say 'come out.'" –Seth Meyers

March 31, 2015

"The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he's ever been to Kenya, Obama said, 'Of course. I was born — no, bored — over there. There's nothing to do in Kenya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like 'How can I get your job?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who's still looking at the menu after 15 minutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"As of this week, the only state that President Obama has not visited while in office is South Dakota. Residents of South Dakota said they're looking forward to President Obama or any black person visiting soon." –Conan O'Brien
"Al Gore is 67 years old today. Al Gore, 67 candles on his cake. There's your global warming. " –David Letterman

"It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock." –David Letterman

March 30, 2015

"There are reports that President Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he's looking for another ex-president to be roommates with." –Jimmy Fallon

"Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house." –Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Chris Christie defended his stance against legalizing marijuana, saying that any tax revenue generated from pot sales would be blood money. Then businessmen in New Jersey said, 'Yeah, and we can't have that sort of thing here in New Jersey.' –Jimmy Fallon

"This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra." –David Letterman

"Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned. " –David Letterman

"Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family." –David Letterman

"During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say 'Joe Biden,' the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say 'President Ted Cruz.'" –Seth Meyers

March 26-27, 2016

"Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, 'I didn't even know they were dating.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, the president will meet with Pope Francis at the White House in September. The two will meet for about an hour or so, and then the Pope will spend the rest of the day hearing confessions from Secret Service agents." –Jimmy Fallon
"Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he's raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, 'Happy to help. Can't wait.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he's running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

March 23, 2015

Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s." –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport." –Conan O'Brien

"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?" –David Letterman

"Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…" –David Letterman

"The first known candidate to enter the presidential race in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It's not a great thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

March 18, 2015


"Everyone's busy filling out their March Madness brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he's running for president because his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, 'And while we're at it, is there any way they can reduce the 'being president clock?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he's quote, 'the worst president of my lifetime, without question.' Then Cheney said, 'But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During an interview with Playboy — that's right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can't tell me Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren." –Seth Meyers

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It's especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?" –Seth Meyers

March 17, 2015

"Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I've got to get into that Oval Office." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum." –Jimmy Fallon

It turns out they're already trying a bunch of nicknames to try to hype up the match. First they considered 'Vanilla in Manila.' Next up, they tried 'Lean and Mean versus L.L. Bean.' Finally, 'Mitt Romney Loses to Another Black Guy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning." –Conan O'Brien

"It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party." –David Letterman

"Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran." –David Letterman

March 16, 2015

"During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia's Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of 'The Bachelor.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are still angry about the letter written by Republicans to Iran. It's also not helping that they said, 'Dear Iran or Iraq, we can never keep you

"After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin appeared today in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means — a boob job. And we're going to find out quick because that guy doesn't wear a shirt a lot." –Seth Meyers

"Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. I wouldn't worry. Nobody's going to believe the guy who works at the pizza place when he says, 'Hey, you know who came in today? The Pope.'" –Seth Meyers

March 12-13, 2015

"Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails." –David Letterman

"Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary." –David Letterman

"Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future — wait a minute, that's me." –David Letterman

"I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers." –David Letterman

"They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. " –David Letterman

"There is controversy surrounding Obama's appearance on the show. Monday we announced the president would be here. This morning I got a letter from 47 Republicans telling me not to sign any deals with him." -Jimmy Kimmel

March 10-11, 2015


"President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco." –David Letterman

"The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog." –David Letterman

"There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy." –David Letterman

"Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway." –David Letterman

"Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party." –David Letterman

"Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement." –David Letterman

"Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette." –David Letterman

"This is a very big week for us here. Tomorrow night on our show we get a visit from President Obama, which means that all of you here tonight just missed having to get a cavity search to get in here tonight." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Manny is with us now. Hey, if you come back tomorrow we won't need the Secret Service to protect President Obama. You can do it with your fists alone." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So the Florida Department of Environmental Protection can't use the term 'climate change'?" That's like telling Rudy Giuliani he can't use the word '9-11.' " –Larry Wilmore on "The Nightly Show"

"Clearly the situational ethics of this country's leadership is easy to catalog, but the real takeaway from this seems to be no matter how evil our president or our Congress believes Iran to be, they would each rather deal with the ayatollah than each other." –Jon Stewart on 47 Republican Senators sending a letter to Iran about a nuclear deal

March 5-9, 2015

"Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour." –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary@pantsuit.com." -David Letterman

"Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, 'Thanksgiving Dinner.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage “collaboration and cooperation” between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia’s economic power and North Korea’s technology, they can be a real threat to 1987." –Jimmy Fallon

March 3-4, 2015


"Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they're saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn't archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama said, 'Don't worry, we saw them. We see everyone's emails.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to Congress. It aired in Israel with a five-minute delay. Israelis had to wait five minutes to hear what their president was saying, or as Americans call that, watching Obama live. 'Every speech … I make … takes … three hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he wants the United States to establish an embassy in Cuba by April. When asked if Cuba would establish an embassy here, Obama said, 'What do you call Miami?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden will speak to the nation's largest gay rights group during a human rights convention on Friday. Then on Saturday, he is scheduled to speak to them again to apologize for whatever he said in Friday's speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, 'I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A DEA agent is speaking out against edible marijuana. He said it could lead to a lot of stoned rabbits. He says rabbits will eat the pot that is grown at marijuana farms and start following the band phish around the country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today during his speech in Washington, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu repeatedly referred to Congress as 'my friends.' It was a move that had many in Congress Googling the word 'friend.'" –Seth Meyers

"Nancy Pelosi said she was 'near tears' during the prime minister's speech to Congress because it insulted America's intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy Pelosi about 'The Bachelor.'" –Seth Meyers

Feb. 27-March 2, 2015

"This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from 'Duck Dynasty.' It was a good weekend for conservatives — and a great weekend for wild animals." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that's how term limits work." –Jimmy Fallon

"RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized Joe Biden, saying that he can't control his mouth. That's kind of like someone trying to say the name 'Reince Priebus,' which sounds like a drunk person trying to say 'rented Prius.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's this picture of a dress that someone took, and people online are fighting over what color it is. Some people say it's black and blue. Some say it's white and gold. I think someone should ask Obama, our country's first gold president." –Jimmy Fallon

"After the FCC issued the net neutrality rules yesterday, President Obama posted a thank you letter online addressed to the millions of people who helped support the change. He finished with a heartfelt plea, 'Could someone please tell me what net neutrality is?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he had to give up something he'd actually miss." –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 26, 2015

"As of midnight last night, marijuana is officially legal in our nation's capital. Or as President Obama put it, 'Clear some space, Michelle. Barry's getting his OWN garden!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to 'unlock their full potential,' because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, 'You can't just steal someone's slogan like that!' And Hillary said, 'Yes we can!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in 2016. He hasn't spelled out his platform yet. But he has spell the out the word 'Trump' on his platform." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'd vote for Donald Trump just to find out how he and Melania would redecorate the White House." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's former press secretary, Jay Carney, will reportedly become a senior vice president at Amazon. Carney says he's excited to work for someone who doesn't take six years to deliver." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 25, 2015

"President Obama vetoed the Keystone pipeline yesterday. Everyone expected him to do that, but Republicans say he vetoed the bill only because their party was in favor of it, while Obama said, 'That's what you guys have been doing for how many years?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some hot water this week for saying that he served in the military's Special Forces when he never did. It gets even worse when you find out the place he actually served was Old Navy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, the value of baby teeth is skyrocketing, up 25 percent from last year. In the U.S., the tooth fairy left a total of $255 million last year. The Vikings believed that children's teeth had magic powers that would help them fight in battles. This explains why there are no

"John Boehner said yesterday that President Obama's veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a 'national embarrassment.' And then, out of habit, Joe Biden said, 'Here!'" –Seth Meyers

Feb. 24, 2015

"The White House announced that many Obamacare customers got the wrong tax information and may have to refile their taxes this year. It's pretty inconvenient — mainly just remembering what you lied about the first time you filed your taxes." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon

"Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. I think they did this years ago. That's how the Palin kids ended up with those names, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska does have some special rules. You're not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can't just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is." –Seth Meyers

"A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat." –Seth Meyers

"Boston's city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 23, 2015

"During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, 'She's right, I can't live like this. I can't take another second of this living hell.'" –Conan O'Brien

"All I could think of all day yesterday while watching all of the Oscar-related shows was how much I miss football." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from 'Boyhood' just moved into a senior living facility." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How many of you watched the Oscars last night? And how many of you are still watching it?" –Seth Meyers

"I don't want to say the Oscars ran long, but the best picture Oscar was awarded on 'Good Morning America.'" –Seth Meyers

"The ratings for last night's Academy Awards hit a six-year low. So few people saw the Oscars that it's been nominated for an Oscar." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 20, 2015

"Sunday is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It's the time of year when all the biggest movie stars get together and try to piece together what happened after they blacked out at the Golden Globes." –Jimmy Fallon

"I heard that this year's Oscar nominee gift bags are each worth over $167,000 and include items like free luxury car rentals and a stay at a five-star hotel in Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where we get an AOL CD and two loose Twizzlers." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to parks for a year. You can tell kids don't get outside enough, because the last time they saw a sunset they said, 'Hey, there's that thing I saw on Instagram.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?" –David Letterman

"Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird." –David Letterman

"The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white." –David Letterman

Feb. 19, 2015

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a 'Kanye moment.' Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars." –Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine." –David Letterman

"Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot." –David Letterman

"Gallup, the polling company, released its annual well-being index where they rank the health and happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It's interesting that the top two happiest states are the ones that are farthest away from the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 16-18, 2015


"President Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California, and then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. And 10,000 people stranded at Boston'sLogan Airport just became Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, 'There's only one Chris Christie.' He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he's buying seats on a plane." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama's executive order on immigration.When asked if he's mad about being overruled, Obama said, 'You know I've been married for 23 years, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First lady Michelle Obama revealed that she has banned boxed macaroni and cheese from the White House. It's been tough on Biden because he couldn't make his wife any jewelry for Valentine's Day." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

"I spent the past four days in Cuba shooting a special episode of this show. Ireturned and today House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Cuba, which explains why the Cuban government asked America to 'please stop sending us your ambiguously popular celebrities.'" -Conan O'Brien

"I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it's very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs."-Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy."–Conan O'Brien

"One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings." –David Letterman

"Last night during a speech, Chris Christie said, 'There's only one Chris Christie, and this is it.' I don't know. It still looks like at least two." –Seth Meyers

"A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the 'right look' to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits." –Seth Meyers

"Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement today, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, 'Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine.'" –Seth Meyers

Feb. 11, 2015


"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it." –Conan O'Brien

"A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama's former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo." –Jimmy Fallon

"Axelrod also said in his new book that Obama lied to Americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. Of course, Republicans have already turned it into a scandal: BenGayZi. It's trending right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer." –David Letterman

"NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that's enough. He's forgiven." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Brian already has been on a self-imposed leave of absence from NBC, reportedly planning to spend his six months away at home with his wife, Wendy Williams." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee's current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 10, 2015


“Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

"Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, 'Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It was revealed that back in 2011 Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama's 50th birthday but spelled the president's name wrong. The president made sure Jordan's name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS." –Jimmy Fallon

"Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra." –David Letterman

"Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat." –David Letterman

Feb. 6-9, 2015

"Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News." –Bill Maher

"Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?" –Bill Maher

"What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter." –Bill Maher

"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien

"At today's National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama and the Dalai Lama avoided a direct meeting. Uh-oh, sounds like there may be some Obama-Lama drama." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 4, 2015

"Hillary Clinton is weighing in on the measles outbreak. She tweeted: 'The Earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work.' She didn't stop there. She alsotweeted, 'Fire is hot, ice is cold, and the Seahawks should have handed theball off to Marshawn Lynch.'" –Jimmy Fallon

The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S. Some say it's because people aren't vaccinating their children. You can tell things are getting bad. Today Disneyland opened a new ride called 'It's a Smallpox World.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Remember that dancing shark from Katy Perry's Super Bowl halftime show? A guy in Colorado actually got a tattoo of the shark. That story again: Weed is still legal in Colorado." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady's giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll." –Conan O'Brien

"Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVPshouted, 'No way am I going to Disneyland!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'" –David Letterman

"I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame." –David Letterman

"The city of Boston today held its Super Bowl victory parade. Meanwhile, the city of Seattle held Seahawks coach Pete Carroll out a window by his ankles." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 3, 2015

"During an interview last weekend, President Obama was talking about the next race for president and refused to choose between Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden, saying quote, 'Love 'em both.' Which was nice until he said he'd support the nominee, regardless of who she is." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Obama presented a $4 trillion budget that he says would help the middle class. Then the middle class said, 'You know what? How about you just give us the $4 trillion? We'll figure out what to do with it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama unveiled a $4 trillion budget for 2016 that would increase taxes on the wealthy and spend more money on education. He also made a snowball and put it in the oven, just to see which would last longer, his budget or the snowball." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner." –David Letterman

Feb. 2, 2015

"Mitt Romney announced that he is no longer considering running for president in 2016. As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running — the Seattle Seahawks." –Jimmy Fallon

"In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. I guess we'll have to sit through the whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated." –Jimmy Fallon

"An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks." –Seth Meyers

"It really was an incredible game. And even though the Patriots won, you reallyhave to hand it to Marshawn Lynch. Don't think about it. Just hand it to Marshawn Lynch." –Seth Meyers

"Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP and was given a new Chevy truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 26-27, 2015


"Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, 'I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?" –David Letterman

Jan. 22-23, 2015


"President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he'd want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden said he has privately met with 17 Republican senators at his home to try and connect on issues like tax reform. Biden asked what he can do to speed up negotiations, while Democrats asked, 'Does this door lock from the outside?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"One of the most Googled questions during this week's State of the Union address was, 'How much does the president make?' When he saw it was $400,000 a year, Mitt Romney said, 'I'm out!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It's getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside." –Jimmy Fallon

"California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain." –Conan O'Brien

"Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was summoned to answer questions about the footballs that were mysteriously deflated in their game against the Colts. This was covered live on all the sports networks and also live on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and a bunch of local channels. You would think Tom Brady had killed the president's dog." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Deflate-gate isn't the only thing in Boston now. Boston is the city chosen to vie for the Summer Olympics in 2024. Mayor Walsh is prohibiting city employees from making negative comments about the games or the process. That seems unnecessary. If people from Boston are known for anything, it's for keeping their opinions to themselves, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"CNN is developing a game show to be hosted by Anderson Cooper. It will be just like the other CNN shows except the contestants will make wild guesses instead of the news anchors." –Seth Meyers

"The Jamaican government is considering a bill to decriminalize marijuana. But first they have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Even crazier, every one of them was re-elected this November." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 21, 2015


"Last night was the State of the Union address, and everyone's excited about the huge special appearance by a guy we haven't seen in a really long time: 2008 Barack Obama. That guy had swagger." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president took a moment to wish astronaut Scott Kelly luck on his upcoming yearlong mission in space, and even said, 'Make sure to Instagram it.' Obama loves Instagram because after six years with Biden it's the one thing he can still put a filter on." –Jimmy Fallon

"First lady Michelle Obama wore a suit to the State of the Union last night that apparently had also been worn by Julianna Margulies' character on the 'The Good Wife.' They both wore the same outfit, which is why Obama just passed an executive action ordering Us Weekly to say Michelle wore it better." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new helicopter service called Gotham Air is now offering users cheap flights from Manhattan to JFK or Newark airports that start at just $99. If there's two words I trust together in the same sentence, it's 'cheap' and 'helicopter.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At the State of the Union address last night, President Obama made history by using the words transgender, lesbian, and bisexual in that speech. It was the part of the speech where he was just reading Craigslist personals." –Conan O'Brien

"Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night President Obama gave the State of the Union address, and I just have to say that I don't know what union he was describing. But I want to live there. I want to move. It sounds outstanding. There's a middle class. They have small businesses. It sounds great." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 20, 2015


"Tonight President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Obama said he was more relaxed just because he's already done it so many times. Incidentally, Mitt Romney said the same thing about running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obamas invited 22 guests to the speech, including a former Cuban prisoner, an astronaut, and a doctor. Either that or he was setting up the weirdest bar joke of all time." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today was the first day you could file a tax return. If you filed a tax return today, congratulations, nerd. People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new survey shows that most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. Traditional news outlets didn't believe the news until they Googled it." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 19, 2015

"The other big story is tomorrow's State of the Union address. During President Obama's speech, one cabinet member will be asked to stay behind to run the government in case there is a crisis at the Capitol. At least that's what they're telling Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

Jan. 15, 2015

"Senator Rand Paul reflected on Mitt Romney's potential 2016 campaign and said, 'It's sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.' When someone told him Einstein didn't actually say that, he said, 'In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.''" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"This year's Oscar nomination pool is the least diverse collection of nominees since 1998. There are so many white nominees that Fox News agreed to host a debate." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 14, 2015


"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it'll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, 'Lingering Awkwardness' was actually Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name." –Jimmy Fallon

"A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler." –Conan O'Brien

"Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care." –David Letterman

"John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?" –David Letterman

"The IRS is warning that there could be long delays getting your tax refund thisyear because of budget cuts. They're expecting so many delays that they're renaming themselves the DMV." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news regarding the IRS budget cuts is that they also won't be auditing as many people. So if you've been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents this might be the year to do it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is focused now on cyber security. He's pushing for new laws to protect companies from hackers. And who better to do that than the people who brought us the Obamacare website? Not only couldn't hackers get in, no one could penetrate it." –Jimmy Kimmel­

"Mitt Romney will reportedly address the Republican National Committee on Friday to talk about a possible third presidential run. It's never a good sign when you have to start your speech with 'Hear me out.'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 13, 2015

"A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Mike Huckabee criticized the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyoncé due to her explicit lyrics. So now the Obama girls are faced with the tough choice every teen must eventually make — listen to Beyoncé or Mike Huckabee." –Conan O'Brien

"A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is reportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. And somehow, miraculously, none of them were busy with other stuff." –Seth Meyers

"Fidel Castro, who hasn't been publicly seen for more than a year, wrote a personal letter referencing current events to prove he is still alive. And nothing says 'I'm alive in 2015' like writing a letter." –Seth Meyers

"Days after Mitt Romney announced he is considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won't say who he'll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb . . . Job, I meanjob." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one." –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire." –David Letterman

Jan. 12, 2015

"Mitt Romney said he is considering a third presidential bid. Romney said he got the idea from watching his dog repeatedly run into an electric fence." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said he is thinking very seriously about a 2016 presidential campaign. You can tell he's serious. Today I saw him shaking hands and firing babies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney says he is considering a third campaign for the presidency. He made the announcement during a private meeting with donors. It's pretty shocking, you know, that Mitt Romney needs donors. I mean, what are these guys, trillionaires?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The film 'Boyhood' won the Golden Globe for best drama. It follows one guy's journey over the course of 12 years — or as Mitt Romney calls that, 'running for president.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it's gotten so bad he can't afford to buy his wife her own car that she's not allowed to drive." –Conan O'Brien

Jan. 8-9, 2015

"President Obama posted a video on Facebook yesterday announcing his plan to make the first two years of community college free. Unfortunately he was interruptedwhen Biden got confused and threw a bucket of ice water on his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Arkansas governor and potential 2016 candidate Mike Huckabee is releasing his 12th book later this month called, 'God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.' The craziest part: that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart." –Jimmy Fallon

"Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade's worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they're nothing alike. They're justboth former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is the leading presidential contender for the Democrats. Former Clinton aide John Podesta said Hillary will highlight her differences with President Obama if she runs. The biggest difference: Hillary is still interested in being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him." –Conan O'Brien

"California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends." –David Letterman

"President Obama has issued three veto threats in just two days. Meanwhile, Chris Christie has threatened four Vitos, two Charlies, and a Doug." –Seth Meyers

"Today is the birthday of Elvis Presley and dictator Kim Jong Un. Elvis would've been 80 today. Kim Jong Un is either 32 or 33. They actually aren't sure. North Korean scholars agree that when he entered the world a silver eagle ascended and promised 1,000 years of prosperity for his people. That should kick in any day now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last year Kim Jong Un had Dennis Rodman on hand to sing to him. This year he had a low-key celebration. He spent the day at home reading Sony's emails. " –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 7, 2015


"President Obama met with the president of Mexico. When asked what it's like to govern 100 million Mexican people, Obama said,''It can be challenging.'' –Jimmy Fallon

"Some more news out of Washington. During a recent interview, a White House adviser said Joe Biden is the reason President Obama got elected both times. Then he said, 'He's also the reason we got banned from Applebee's.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara, who celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary yesterday, and it's actually the longest presidential marriage since John Adams. Or as Barbara calls Adams, 'my first love.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup." –David Letterman

"Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke." –Conan O'Brien

"This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone." –Conan O'Brien

"Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So it's very important tonight that I express that everybody who works at our comedy show, all of us are terribly sad for the families and people of France and anybody in the world tonight who now has to think twice before making a joke. It's not the way it's supposed to be." –Conan O'Brien

"Our hearts are with the staff of Charlie Hebdo and their families tonight. I know very few people go into comedy as an act of courage, mainly because it shouldn’t have to be that, it shouldn’t be an act of courage, it should be taken as established law. But those guys at Hebdo had it, and they were killed for their cartoons. For however frustrated or outraged back and forth conversation can become, it’s still back and forth conversation amongst those on … let’s call it team civilization. And this type of violence only clarifies that reality. Of course, of course, our goal tonight … is to not make sense of this, because there is no sense to be made of this. Our goal, as it is always, is to keep going, keep calm and carry on, or whatever version of that saying is in your dorm room.” –Jon Stewart

Jan. 6, 2015


"The newly elected congressmen and women from the midterm elections were sworn in today. This Congress will be the most diverse ever, with 104 women, 46 blacks, 12 Asian-Americans, and two Native Americans. Even the dolls on the 'It's a Small World' Disney ride said, 'Not bad.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, 104 female lawmakers. In other words, there's going to be a lot of filibusters that go like this: 'You know what you did.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Miami judge issued Florida's first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They'll say, 'Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers." –David Letterman

"We have a new and now Republican-controlled Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation's capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress has an approval rating that's very, very low. Their approval rating is 15 percent. You know you're in trouble when people like you less than they like Jennifer Lopez movies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A total of 71 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 5, 2014

"Joe Biden went to Brazil in an effort to try and repair America's relationship with their government. Biden said, 'It's great to be here in the Amazon. I've always wanted to see where all the books come from.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Democratic Senator Harry Reid is expected to make a full recovery after he was exercising with a resistance band that snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he's fine. The bad news is there's no video of it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails." –David Letterman

Dec. 19, 2014


"During a recent Q & A with children, first lady Michelle Obama said that what she wants for Christmas is to sleep in late. Which is why this year Biden promised not to jump on her bed when it's time to open presents." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden pulled on a rabbi's beard and said, 'You're not Santa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. is re-establishing relations with Cuba. But before President Obama can lift the embargo, it will need approval from the Republican-controlled Congress – or as Republicans who called Obama said, 'Close, but no cigar.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope." –David Letterman

"The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter." –David Letterman

"Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka." –David Letterman

Dec. 18, 2014

"Sony Pictures has canceled the release of 'The Interview' due to continued threats from hackers. This means the hackers have accomplished their goal of making everyone in the world want to see 'The Interview.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Everyone's weighing in on Sony's cancellation of 'The Interview.' Mitt Romney suggested the film should be released online for free. Donald Trump said the studio has no courage or guts. Chris Christie said, 'Either way, I'm having a large bucket of popcorn.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was 'Boyhood.' It makes sense. If there's one thing Obama can identify with, it's aging several years over the course of a couple of hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said his favorite movie this year was 'Boyhood.' When asked what his second-favorite movie was, he said, ''The Interview.' No, definitely not 'The Interview.' I didn't see 'The Interview.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me." –Conan O'Brien

"Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA." –Conan O'Brien

"The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony." –Craig Ferguson

"'Star Wars: Episode VII' comes out exactly one year from today — as long as we don't get threats from Darth Vader." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama announced yesterday that he's pardoning 12 convicted felons. Political experts say the move could have huge implications for your fantasy football teams." –Seth Meyers

"Russian President Vladimir Putin said at a press conference today that it was too early to decide if he will run for re-election in 2018. But he says it's not too early to decide how much he wins by." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 17, 2014

"Today President Obama announced that the U.S. is working to improve its relationship with Cuba in an effort to normalize full diplomatic relations. For instance, today they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House will ease diplomatic relations with Cuba. When asked how he'll celebrate, Obama said, 'Smoke a Cuban cigar, no I mean smoke a regular cigarette — oh, I'll just have some water, I guess, I don't know.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced that he's going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors." –Conan O'Brien

"You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig." –David Letterman

"Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list." –David Letterman

"The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba — this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia." –Craig Ferguson

"Sony hackers are threatening to attack theaters that show Seth Rogen's new comedy about an attempt on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un's life. In response, the big theater chains won't show the movie. They should be ashamed of themselves. The idea that there are North Korean terror cells in the U.S. is ridiculous. If there are any North Koreans in America, that's only because they escaped." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After the theaters backed out, Sony decided to cancel the release of the movie entirely and nobody knows if the movie will be seen. The only way we're ever going to see it is to hack into Sony. If only there was a group that knew how to do that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If the North Koreans are going to stop one of our movies being shown, why couldn't it be 'Love Actually,' which my wife and her friends have in our living room every Christmas?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The message this sends is that if you really scare us, we'll do what you want. Poor Seth Rogen. I heard he's so stressed out by this that he's been smoking marijuana." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs." –Seth Meyers

"After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Cosby is at 17." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 16, 2014

"President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he's repeating himself every half hour, that's where he learned it from." –Jimmy Fallon

"During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, 'Never paint your wife or your mother.' Then he added, 'Because it's almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola." –Conan O'Brien

"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse." –Conan O'Brien

"Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? " –David Letterman

"I feel like Bush presidencies are like 'Godfather' films. You should stop at two." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab." –Craig Ferguson

"What is Jeb Bush's full name? Jebediah? Jebaroni?" –Craig Ferguson

"Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby." –Craig Ferguson

"The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job." –Craig Ferguson

"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

"Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. Hanukkah lasts for eight nights — unlike Christmas, which lasts for two and a half months." –Seth Meyers

"President Vladimir Putin has been named Russia's man of the year. Second place went to 'Or else.'" –Seth Meyers

Dec. 15, 2014

"Over the weekend the co-chair of Sony Entertainment broke her silence about the recent hacking scandal to apologize for some offensive emails she sent about President Obama. In response, Obama said, 'Don't worry. I secretly read those emails months ago.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio recently installed a fence around Gracie Mansion for privacy and security concerns. De Blasio wants to make sure the wrong person doesn't get into the mayor's mansion — while New Yorkers said, 'Too late.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years." –Conan O'Brien

"Sony was the victim of a massive cyber attack from hackers presumed to be based in North Korea. In an embarrassing email, a producer called Angelina Jolie a minimally talented spoiled brat. Which makes this all seem like a high school drama more than an international act of cyber terrorism." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Producers at Sony say that hackers have gotten a hold of a script for the upcoming James Bond sequel. Although if you really want to know what happens in the new James Bond movie, just watch every other James Bond movie." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 11-12, 2014

"Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, 'Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, 'Whichever comes first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Golden Globe nominations were announced, but some people are upset that 'The Walking Dead' and 'Modern Family' were snubbed. It's OK. President Obama has issued an executive action granting them all a path to a nomination." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans." –Conan O'Brien

Dec. 10, 2014


"Time magazine has named 'Ebola Fighters' the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, 'Oh no, we'll just mail them to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was talking about the new report on CIA interrogation techniques and praised our country’s ability to quote, 'face our imperfections, make changes, and do better.' Which sounds less like a speech on torture and more like the comments on a kindergartner's report card." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, 'No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup." –David Letterman

"Congress goes on recess starting tomorrow night. By the way, that's all you need to know about Congress. They get recess. A bunch of middle-aged adults get three weeks off to play kickball?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Time magazine named their person of the year today. It was not a member of Congress." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This year, the person — it's persons, and those persons are the Ebola fighters. The people who were on the front lines, working to keep Ebola contained. I think it's a very good choice. Congratulations, guys. I'd love to shake your hands, but you know…" –Jimmy Kimmel

"This will be the first time an acceptance speech has included the phrase, 'We couldn't have done it without Ebola.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Time magazine has named Ebola healthcare workers as their person of the year. The Ebola workers were very excited when Time magazine gave them the news – via Skype." –Seth Meyers

"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers

Dec. 9, 2014

"At the White House yesterday, they kicked off Computer Science Education Week. Students gave tutorials on computer code and President Obama sat down and wrote one. All his program does is draw a box, which he's hoping he can crawl into and hide in for the rest of his term." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn't know it's Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn't even know it's a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor." –Conan O'Brien

"This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair." –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions." –Conan O'Brien

"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers

"The woman gave birth in the middle of a flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 4-8, 2014

"President Obama went to the hospital because of a sore throat, but it turned out to be acid reflux. Some say it was an overreaction, but then Obama said, 'Uh, did YOU have to spend the last few months hugging Ebola people? Call me when that happens and we’ll see if I over-reacted.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama went to the hospital this weekend because of a sore throat. Everything is fine, but it was a little awkward when they asked what insurance he uses, and he said, 'Blue Cross. No, I mean Obamacare.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning President Obama met with Britain's Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England." –Conan O'Brien

"This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this, China's children asked, 'So now can we take a lunch break?'" –Conan O'Brien

"The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low. Whereas our death rate is still holding strong at 100 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year." –Conan O'Brien

"It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony — it's not covered by Obamacare." –David Letterman

"Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration." –David Letterman

"People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States — the Kardashians." –David Letterman

"Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was diagnosed with acid reflux. His approval rating is so low that he's starting to get pushback from his esophagus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently the president had a sore threat. His doctor said he needs Zantac. Sadly, that's actually the best news President Obama's gotten in a very long time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So now, Joe Biden is just a heartburn away from the Oval Office." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There is a new student loan calculator app that can determine how long students will be in debt based on their major. For example, if you’re a creative arts major, you can’t afford the app." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 1-3, 2014


"A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling “Ready for Hillary” champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it's drinking mixed with politics." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that President Obama has finally found a nominee to replace Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nominee is named Ashton Carter. Which sounds less like a defense secretary and more like the member of a boy band." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

"The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'" -Craig Ferguson

"In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS." –Craig Ferguson

"I saw that on Small Business Saturday, the president went shopping at a bookstore and bought 17 books, including "The Laughing Monsters," "Being Mortal," and "Heart of Darkness." Or as the cashier put it, "You OK, man? Maybe a little 'Chicken Soup for the Presidential Soul?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, 'It wasn't Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no.' (Nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.)" –Jimmy Fallon

Nov. 20, 2014


"President Obama will travel to Las Vegas to speak at the same high school where he laid out his immigration plan two years ago. So Obama's become that guy who graduated a while ago and still comes back to hang with the seniors." –Jimmy Fallon

"The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, 'Uh, make the sidewalk lower?'" –Jimmy Fallon

It's the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln's cue card guy." –David Letterman

"President Obama gave a speech on immigration tonight, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Vice President Joe Biden's birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 19, 2014


"Tomorrow night President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama's favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He's tired of all this." –Conan O'Brien

"Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team." –Conan O'Brien

"The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who've been outside today said, 'Sounds good to me. Let's accelerate that global warming.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address — while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!" –David Letterman

"Germany has overtaken the United States as the world's favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The favorite country survey was based on more than 20,000 people in 20 countries. Isn't it a little bit unfair that they did this before the McRib came back?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 17-18, 2014


"Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know." –Conan O'Brien

"This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope is coming to New York City. He said he would like to hold audiences with the downtrodden. He's talking about the Jets and the Giants." –David Letterman

"The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'" –David Letterman

"Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They're developing 'Facebook at Work.' We already have a Facebook for people at work. It's called Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 13-14, 2014


"After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's next photo shoot." –Jimmy Fallon

"The pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, 'Eh . . . second biggest.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week Bill Clinton tweeted a photo of himself reading George W. Bush's new book '41.' Then George W. Bush responded to that post on Instagram. Then John McCain said 'You two are hilarious' by telegraph." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farm house in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that President Obama is planning to announce a new 10-part immigration plan before Thanksgiving. And you thought your family wouldn't have anything to argue about this year." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon." –David Letterman

"We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections." –David Letterman

"The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out." –Conan O'Brien

Nov. 12, 2014


"The heroic New York doctor who caught Ebola has been declared Ebola free. President Obama called the doctor to thank him for his selflessness and compassion. Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire." –Jimmy Fallon

"People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper." –Conan O'Brien

"At the economic summit in China, Vladimir Putin is being accused of flirting with the first lady of China. Then again, Putin does have a history of not respecting boundaries. " –Conan O'Brien

"Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines." –David Letterman

"Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?" –David Letterman

"Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China — oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum." –David Letterman

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new report, Detroit, Michigan, is the most dangerous city in the country with Oakland, California, coming in second. And the third most dangerous was somehow Detroit again." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 11, 2014

"President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That's after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON." –Jimmy Fallon

"After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that 'Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.' While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game." –David Letterman

"You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss." –David Letterman

"President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation." –David Letterman

"It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts." –Craig Ferguson

"Today is Veterans Day. It's a day we honor those who serve and have served in our armed forces. So thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices that you made. I'm talking about actual veterans. Playing 'Call of Duty' does not count. I don't care how many missions you've completed." –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 10, 2014

"Both President Obama and former President George W. Bush were interviewed on 'Face the Nation' over the weekend. President Bush said there's a 50 percent chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Then he said, 'But there's an 80 percent chance he won't.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It was the 60th anniversary of 'Face the Nation.' During his interview, President Obama said, 'Our country doesn't fear the future. We grab it.' Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, 'After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew." –David Letterman

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

"President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones." –David Letterman

"Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'" –David Letterman

"This weekend George W. Bush said it's a toss-up whether his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Bush said there's a 40-40 chance." –Seth Meyers

"A pastor at a controversial church in Harlem said last week that Starbucks is ground zero for Ebola. Unless 'Ebola' is a new Norah Jones CD, I'm betting he's wrong." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 7, 2014

"I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes." –David Letterman

"The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box." –David Letterman

"Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees – they're known as Democrats – they're looking for a new planet." –David Letterman

"It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola – and Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving." –Craig Ferguson

"Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well." –Craig Ferguson

Nov. 6, 2014

"Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, 'Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, 'Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"What a day. It's 53 and gloomy — like President Obama." –David Letterman

"How about that election night? Here's the breakdown. The Republicans won the popular vote. The Democrats won the unpopular vote." –David Letterman

"President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands." –David Letterman

"A new study shows that despite previous estimates there are only 2 million rats living in New York City. I guess the other 10 million are commuting from New Jersey." –Seth Meyers

"It's been announced that a Union soldier who fought at the Battle of Gettysburg in the Civil War will be awarded the Medal of Honor by President Obama over 151 years after his death. Even better, he finally got an appointment at the VA hospital." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 5, 2014

"The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, 'Time to party like it's 1939!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven't seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. When asked what he was planning to do next, he said, 'Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday's midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don't ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show's band." –Conan O'Brien

"For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, 'You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats." –David Letterman

"Was the election a drubbing or was it a shellacking? That's my only question. It's embarrassing. Even the Washington Redskins are demanding that the Democrats change their name." –David Letterman

"A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac." –David Letterman

"You know what happened today? When is this going to stop? There was another fence jumper at the White House. This time it was Obama trying to get out." –David Letterman

"Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over! " –Craig Ferguson

"For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.' " –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday was Election Day. Republicans picked up a lot of seats and won control of both chambers of Congress. That's key because whoever controls Congress controls the lunch menu at the cafeteria." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republicans now have a majority in the Senate and House of Representatives for the first time in eight years. I guess when it was all said and done, the Republicans just had the better lawn signs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Washington, D.C., voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Vice President Joe Biden celebrated quietly at home, contemplating the infinite nature of the universe." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Imagine Washington, D.C. If you thought Congress didn't get a lot of work done before, just wait until they get legal pot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to data from yesterday's midterms, only 13 percent of voters were under 30 years old. So America didn't rock the vote so much as we soft-rocked the vote." –Seth Meyers

"Republicans won enough seats to gain a majority in the Senate and increase their majority in the House. For those Democratic candidates who wanted to distance yourselves from Obama, congratulations. You did." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 4, 2014

"Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there's a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there's a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, 'Wait, that's today?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It's a whole new Secret Service security thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a speech on Sunday, President Obama said to the crowd, 'We've got to vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.' This went on for an hour until someone finally fixed his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe you shouldn't call them midterms." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson." –Conan O'Brien

"Utah could elect its first black Republican woman to Congress. In other words, Utah finally got one black person and the first thing they want to do is send her to Washington." –Conan O'Brien

"In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun." –Conan O'Brien

"Today isn't just Election Day. It's National Candy Day today. I don't know. Didn't we just have National Candy Day — Halloween? That's National Candy Day. Today should be National Candy Nobody Wanted to Eat But It's the Only Thing Left in the Trick-or-Treat Bag Day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow is National Healthy Eating Day. But tomorrow is also National Doughnut Day, which seems like bad planning." –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 3, 2014


“Take a look at this: gas under $3 a gallon – under $3 a gallon. Unemployment under 6%, whoever thought? Stock market breaking records every day. No wonder the guy is so unpopular.” –David Letterman

"Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, 'I'm begging.' Because what better way to show you're a strong leader than acting like you're drunk and dialing your ex?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote." –David Letterman

"Anybody last night watch that Wallenda guy? He first went across Niagara Falls, then across the Grand Canyon, and last night he walked between two Chicago skyscrapers. He got his start in this line of work as a White House fence jumper." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow is the midterm elections. It's very important, so don't forget to head down to your local polling place and cancel out your dad's vote." –Seth Meyers

"Don't ever let anyone tell you your vote doesn't count. You can cancel out your dad's vote." –Seth Meyers

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~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

 
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Best David Letterman Jokes
Best Jay Leno Jokes
Best Bill Maher Jokes
Best Conan O'Brien Jokes
Best Craig Ferguson Jokes
Best Jimmy Kimmel Jokes
Best Jimmy Fallon Jokes
Best Seth Meyers Jokes
Best SNL Weekend Update Jokes

On the Web:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Conan O'Brien
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Real Time With Bill Maher
 
Jay Leno and David Letterman
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