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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Oct. 20-22, 2014

"At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, 'Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend.' He didn't say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election." –Conan O'Brien

"Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit." –Conan O'Brien

"It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples." –Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend President Obama told Americans not to panic about Ebola. Then when asked about the Democrats' chances in the upcoming midterm elections, Obama said, 'Man, that Ebola sure is scary.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After embracing the gay community last week, the Vatican is now distancing itself from those comments. The Vatican explained, 'Hey, that was just one crazy weekend, OK? We've all had them, right?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon

"The annual Wastebook report was released today. This is an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. I didn't read it. I'm waiting for the movie to come out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn't sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don't seem to be getting anything out of that, right? What we got is a report on how much money they waste, so thank you." –Jimmy Kimmel

More Late-Night Jokes
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Oct. 17, 2014

"The head of the TSA is stepping down after more than four years on the job. Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he's been going through security for three and a half years." –Jimmy Fallon

"TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama just appointed someone named Ron Klain as the new 'Ebola czar' to oversee the government’s response to the crisis. You know that’ll be a tough job, but not as tough as introducing yourself as the Ebola czar and extending your hand." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was out playing golf today. He hit one tee shot 250 yards. Even golf balls are trying to distance themselves from him." –David Letterman

"Today they arrested a White House intruder who was jumping over the fence to get OUT of the White House." –David Letterman

Oct. 16, 2014

"The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called 'Operation Inherent Resolve.' They came up with that name using 'Operation Random Thesaurus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon has picked 'Operation Inherent Resolve' as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that name. Who cares what you call it. Just do something!" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Dutch motorcycle gang called 'No Surrender' has declared war on ISIS, and plans to ride their motorcycles through Syria and Iraq. When they heard the name 'No Surrender,' the Pentagon said, 'Damn! That would have been a perfect name!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. Man, Obama will do anything to get out of that job right now." –Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today the head of the TSA announced he's retiring. His employees toasted him with less than 3 ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch and he had to take it off and put it in a bin." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night the governor of Florida refused to come out for a debate. He was upset that his opponent had a fan under the podium to keep cool. Now a governor and a fan are very different, of course. One oscillates back and forth, blowing hot air in everybody's face. And the other one is a fan." –Craig Ferguson

Oct. 15, 2014

"During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, 'Well, not with THAT attitude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The marriage rate has hit an all-time low, with 1 in 5 adults over 25 having never been married. In fact, an ad firm has come up with slogans to get people on board. One slogan is: 'Marriage, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back — half of it, anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style." –Seth Meyers

"New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered." –David Letterman

"I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He's coming back to CNBC and he's got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive." –David Letterman

"Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won't stop asking 'Why?' when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend." –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 14, 2014

"North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance yesterday in over 40 days. But since he saw his shadow, that now means 60 more years of nuclear winter." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, 'Why dat?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Here in New York City we are ranked as the fourth most rat-populated city in North America. We can do better than fourth, can't we?" –David Letterman

"For the last two months evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been missing. Well, apparently he is back in public. It turns out he was buried in the end zone at Giants Stadium. He claims he was kidnapped by Neil Patrick Harris." –David Letterman

"Because of health scares, they will be taking your temperature at airport security. Well, that should speed up lines." –David Letterman

"Today the Obama administration announced the 140 people selected from across the country to participate in the fall White House internship program. Unlike the White House itself, the internship program is very hard to get into." –Seth Meyers

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un resurfaced yesterday after more than a month out of the public eye. U.S. officials think that the reason no one saw him for so long is that he was starring in an NBC sitcom." –Seth Meyers

"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." –Seth Meyers

"Dictator Kim Jong Un is back. He'd been missing. No one knew where he was. No one had seen him for a long time. It was like he was hosting a talk show at 12:30 on CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"In North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over a month. He's put on weight and he's carrying a cane. Kim Jong Un is a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain at this point." –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 13, 2014

"President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats said, 'You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he's not trying to campaign for us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in California over the weekend to attend a fundraiser hosted by the creator of 'Farmville.' Obama and the creator of 'Farmville' have a lot in common. They both really wish it was still 2009." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin was nominated but did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. Earlier today he said, 'Who do I have to kill to win a Nobel Peace Prize?'" –David Letterman
"Last week was the big fundraiser for President Obama hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. It was hosted at her house. And people say Obama never reaches out to the inner city." –Craig Ferguson

"A fundraiser at Gwyneth Paltrow's house was a good idea for the president. He found the one person in America with lower approval ratings than his." –Craig Ferguson

"Gwyneth Paltrow told the president he was so handsome that she couldn't speak properly. I wish Obama would get a little bit more handsome so she would shut up forever." –Craig Ferguson

"Gwyneth Paltrow's neighbors were very upset because they didn't know about the fundraiser beforehand. Wow, that's the first time the Secret Service managed to keep a secret. Take that, people who can have me killed!" –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people have a three-day weekend because of Columbus Day. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue and 522 years later a lot of people still get Monday off to celebrate. No one's received more credit for getting lost than Christopher Columbus in the history of mankind." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As the story goes, Columbus was aiming for India, wound up in the Caribbean, and Americans have been terrible at geography ever since." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Last week North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un missed a ceremony marking the 69th anniversary of the country. Experts say it's especially strange because he knew cake would be there." –Seth Meyers

"Nobody knows where he is but the U.S. national security adviser says there is no evidence that Kim Jong Un has been overthrown. If anything, he was probably just tipped over." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 10, 2014

"It's reported that President Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. It will backfire when the terrorists there say, 'We're not going out there. Those new terrorists are scary! I got four meals a day here and I get my nails done. I like it here.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, 'I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents.' They'll just wander out." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is kind of weird. This week Obama criticized the GOP for being the party of billionaires — while he was speaking at a fundraiser at a billionaire's house!" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't see how that story could get any worse. But did you see the name of that billionaire? He was Rich Richman. Are you kidding me? Rich Richman is the guy's name? That sounds like a Batman villain. Rich Richman? Come on. Obama would have stayed longer, but he was late for his lunch with Dollars McMoneybags." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know who they haven't seen in a while, Kim Jung Un, evil dictator of North Korea. They haven't seen him in, like, six weeks. He's probably spending more time executing his family." –David Letterman

"Today is the birthday of White House dog Bo. He had a wonderful party at the White House — only three intruders … I believe Bo is actually now distancing himself from the president ... It's a bittersweet day for Bo because he was recently trashed in Leon Panetta's book." –David Letterman

"Right around the corner is the midterm elections. There's an anti-incumbent mood in the country. People are sick and tired of people who have been in the job too long and are lazy and overpaid and out of ideas. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That's me." –David Letterman

"The administration now has a name for the war against ISIS. Every military operation has to have a name so people can get behind it, and they now have a name for the war against ISIS – Operation Hillary's Problem." –David Letterman

Oct. 9, 2014

"They just announced that the budget deficit has shrunk to 'only' $486 billion, which is the lowest it's been since President Obama took office. Obama said, 'Well, I guess we'll just have to work harder . . . Wait, is that good news?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama gave a speech in California to motivate young voters by discussing his commitment to new technology. Ironically, nobody heard him because they were all staring at their phones." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a spokesman for Harry Reid said that even though Joe Biden makes a lot of mistakes, he is still able to connect and tell us what's on his mind. That sounds less like a vice president and more like a chimpanzee that knows sign language." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York state is spending $750 million to open a solar plant in Buffalo, which will create thousands of jobs. Most of those jobs will be shoveling the snow off the solar equipment." –Jimmy Fallon

"Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody's seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding." – David Letterman

"They're getting ready for Halloween at the White House. The pumpkins they're carving came out of Michelle Obama's garden. She raised the pumpkins, and the knife they're using to carve came from a guy who hopped over the fence." –David Letterman

"President Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a night of fundraising and traffic jamming." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Traffic is so bad here to start with, and when the president comes in it just gets so much worse. Here's the thing: Obama has no understanding of commuting because he works from home. He has a home office." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tickets for the fundraising event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000. For $32,000, you can meet President Obama. That seems very high, especially considering the fact that you can jump the fence at the White House and meet him for free." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Traffic aside, it's kind of nice to see people in L.A. raising millions of dollars for something that doesn't involve 'Transformers' for a change." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Jong Un has been out of the public eye and North Korean officials say that it's because he needs a total of 100 days to recover from his foot ailments. When asked what kind of foot ailments, they said 'liposuction.'" –Seth Meyers

"Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola." –Seth Meyers

"Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you're placing a bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize . . . you have a gambling problem." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 8, 2014

"A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama's time in office as a failure. While the rest said, 'You saw him in his office? When?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was actually in his office yesterday. He met with his Secret Service director to talk about the recent White House security breaches. First they had to address the elephant in the room. Not metaphorically — an actual elephant wandered into the room. Security's just awful." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent of Americans will vote in the midterm elections next month. But on the bright side, 100 percent will still complain about the results." –Jimmy Fallon

"t's rumored that a sequel is in the works to the 1996 movie 'Independence Day.' I'm not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only like the fifth worst thing we're dealing with right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night they had one of those special lunar eclipses called a blood moon. The moon was glowing red, which means that the Republicans have gained another seat in the Senate." –David Letterman

"Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody's seen evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. And his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried sick." –David Letterman

"Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, like the White House." –David Letterman

"This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 7, 2014

"Today is Vladimir Putin's 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin turned 62 years old today. It must be tough buying him a gift. What do you get for the man who has everywhere?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House dismissed former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta's criticisms of President Obama, saying he has faced some of the most difficult issues of our time. That would be a great defense if EVERY president didn't face the most difficult issues of their time. That's the job." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is Russian President Vladimir Putin's birthday, as those of you who are friends with him on Facebook know." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Putin turned 62 today. To celebrate, he took a trip to Siberia — you know, the place they send other people in Russia as punishment? That's where he had his birthday party." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's interesting that in spite of all of Russia's troubles, Putin has an 80 percent approval rating, which I guess is something that happens when your pollsters carry machine guns." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Vladimir Putin's 62nd birthday. When he got his presents he said, 'You didn't have to get me anything. I could have just taken it.'" –Seth Meyers

"Archaeologists in Arizona have discovered the remains of a 1,300-year-old village. They found dwellings, stone tools, and hundreds of ballots cast for Senator John McCain." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 6, 2014

"A group in Russia has nominated Vladimir Putin for the Nobel Peace Prize. When Putin heard this he said, 'I'm all about achieving piece — piece of Ukraine, piece of Poland. I hope to win many more pieces.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday the San Francisco Giants beat the Nationals in Washington in 18 innings. It was the longest postseason game in baseball history — proving that even in sports, it takes forever to get something done in Washington." –Jimmy Fallon

"Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He will not be able to attend the ceremony. That week he will be invading Poland. " –David Letterman

"Former CIA Director Leon Panetta said it seems like President Obama has lost his way. Apparently, it's gotten so bad that this morning Obama was seen asking a White House intruder for directions." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 3, 2014

"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson's first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I'm guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pierson told her colleagues that the Secret Service actually needed to be more friendly and inviting like Disney World. I guess that's why all White House intruders got a $30 photo of themselves hopping the fence." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists are suggesting that Pluto should be considered a planet again eight years after it was classified as a dwarf planet — and Americans are suggesting that scientists cut the crap about Pluto and figure out how to stop Ebola." –Seth Meyers

"The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a quiet late-night supper. It was just the Obamas and a couple of White House fence jumpers." –David Letterman

"They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls." –David Letterman

"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned, and in her closing statement she said, 'I'm leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don't think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters.'" –David Letterman

"Julia Pierson hopped over the fence and turned in her resignation." –David Letterman

Oct. 2, 2014

"After all the recent security problems at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, officially resigned yesterday. When asked what she'll do next, Pierson said she just wants to go home and spend some quality time letting strangers in her own house for a while." –Jimmy Fallon

"With so much speculation about the 2016 presidential election, the website ElectHillary.com is being sold for almost $300,000 and the website ChrisChristiePresident2016.com is being sold for almost $50,000. Meanwhile, the website 'Biden4Prez' is just a Tumblr set-up by Joe Biden. He'll take whatever – 50 bucks, 25 bucks." –Jimmy Fallon

"The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned yesterday. We found out that she once worked at Disney World. She said she preferred working at the White House because people didn't have to wait in line to get in." –Conan O'Brien

"We also learned the new head of the Secret Service used to work for cable company Comcast. So now intruders can only sneak into the White House between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00." –Conan O'Brien

"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers

"North Korea has reportedly been digging a tunnel all the way to South Korea. They're making good progress because to dig the hole, they're using the same team that shovels food into Kim Jong Un's mouth." –Seth Meyers

"In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine 'has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.' And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister's boyfriend Crimea." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 30-Oct. 1, 2014

"After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney if he would run again for president in 2016, and Romney said, 'We'll see what happens.' Incidentally, that's also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an 'enabler' of the president's foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn't the definition of being secretary of state." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president." –Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch." –Conan O'Brien

"The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, 'Gay Hitler.'" –Conan O'Brien

"We're having a special night. Everybody here in the balcony is a White House fence jumper." –David Letterman

"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing." –David Letterman

"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama." –David Letterman

"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary." –David Letterman

"In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She's being replaced by the White House's new state-of-the-art security system – a scarecrow." –Seth Meyers

"Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in." –Seth Meyers

"Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported today that the recent security breaches at the White House could cost the director of the Secret Service her job. Luckily, after she's escorted out of the building, it should be pretty easy for her to get back in." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 29, 2014

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton, who gave birth to a baby girl named Charlotte on Friday. Or as Hillary described the baby, 'Third in line to the throne.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl. And get this, she's already said her first word: 'Iowa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors he's sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship." –Conan O'Brien

"Evil dictator Kim Jong Un has not been seen in three weeks. I hate it when a recluse disappears, don't you?" –David Letterman

"Kim Jong Un didn't even show up at Clooney's wedding." –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 25-26, 2014

"The Department of Defense unveiled a new policy that will let undocumented immigrants serve in the military. Is it me, or does that just sound like a sneaky way to get rid of immigrants?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Russia announced that it will join America's fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, 'But I did not say which side.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he is resigning after five years with the administration. Obama said, 'Wait, you can do that?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that's not true, and those reporters should please change what they said." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bill Clinton said that riding wild horses in Mongolia and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro are on his bucket list. When asked what was on her bucket list, Hillary said, 'Come on. Don't make me say it. You know what it is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They've had security problems at the White House. Last weekend a couple of guys hopped the fence and ran in. One guy got all the way in and made himself a sandwich." –David Letterman

"White House security problems won't happen anymore. They've decided that at night — it doesn't make any difference what's going on – they're locking that front door." –David Letterman

"Security is so tight now that they've asked members of Congress to circle the White House – because that way nothing will get past." –David Letterman

"Attorney General Eric Holder said today that he will resign after five years in office. When he heard about this, President Obama said, 'Oh, he's my ride. I gotta go.'" –Seth Meyers

Sept. 24, 2014

"President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that's going on in the world, I'm surprised he didn't salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. 'Yeah just call me, you know, if I'm around. It'll be fun.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut." –Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they're going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says 'Blockbuster Video.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It's expected to go back up once the NFL season ends." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another 'Sex in the City' movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there's only so much they can take." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he's got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It's all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, 'Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes." –David Letterman

"It's quite a responsibility for the president to address the U.N. Yesterday he spoke on climate change. Today he spoke on terrorism. And tomorrow he talks about how to buy real estate with no money down." –David Letterman

"The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's not the first time Obama's done something like this. Remember that time he said The Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget — $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie 'Gravity.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations to India. They were able to keep the mission's costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we'll have the first call center on Mars." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sept. 23, 2014

"The White House has been having big security issues lately, after an intruder actually managed to jump the fence and make it inside. The White House actually said they will start locking the doors. When asked if he wanted a key, Biden said, 'I'm fine just using the doggie door.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, Bill Clinton hinted that his daughter Chelsea's baby is due in early October. Though it got weird when reporters asked if it's a boy or a girl, and Hillary said, 'I haven't decided yet.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner is facing criticism over a recent speech where he suggested that unemployed people are lazy. Boehner would clarify his statements, but he was on his second two-week break of the month." –Jimmy Fallon

"People are still talking about this guy who hopped the fence and ran into the White House. President Obama is calling for a security crackdown. In fact, today he announced a new punishment for anyone who breaks into the White House: Now you have to be president." –Conan O'Brien

"The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'" –David Letterman

"It's bad enough when you're president, but now there are guys hopping the fence. They beefed up security at the White House. Isn't it about time? People were waiting in line to hop the fence." –David Letterman

"This guy gets all the way to the front porch of the White House. So they beefed it up. The security people added to the front door one of the sliding chain things." –David Letterman

"This guy hopped the fence, ran across the White House lawn, and almost got inside the White House. And the Republicans said, 'Well, let's nominate this guy.'" –David Letterman

"Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Unfortunately, the leaders of two of the world's biggest polluters, China and India, did not show up for the summit. That's like Daniel Day-Lewis and Meryl Streep not showing up for the Oscars." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media should be enough to put someone in jail. And if your mom is on Facebook, you know the answer is yes. Something has to stop her behavior." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sept. 22, 2014

"There were some major security issues at the White House over the weekend. On Friday, a guy got to the front doors of the White House, and on Saturday another guy jumped over the White House fence. Officials are wondering why it's so easy to get in, while Obama is wondering why it's so hard to get out." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after President Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. I guess parents were afraid their kids would spend eight years at the school and still not get anything done." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to the front door. Is it just me or is 'The Amazing Race' running out of ideas?" –Conan O'Brien

"The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they'll start locking the front door. They're also going to start asking who's there when someone knocks." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was the opening of the U.N. General Assembly. There were 100 representatives from 135 nations in New York City — all here to pay tribute to Derek Jeter." –David Letterman

"About 400,000 people marched in New York today to draw attention to climate change. They held up signs and banners. They chanted things like 'Hey, hey, ho, ho, fossil fuels have got to go.' You know when somebody begins a chant with 'Hey, hey, ho, ho,' they mean business." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man jumped a fence and entered the White House. In their defense, when they saw a crazed maniac running down the White House lawn, they assumed it was Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service is under investigation after two different men made it onto the White House grounds this weekend after jumping the fence. Said President Obama, 'Jumping the fence, huh? Why didn't I think of that?'" –Seth Meyers

"The militant group ISIS today released a new audio clip mocking American politicians, including John Kerry and John McCain. And Americans are really upset because they released it directly into everybody's iTunes account." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 18-19, 2014

"During President Obama's visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama actually told the student, 'No I was born in 1961.' Then the kid said, 'Where?' Then Obama said, 'Uh, next question." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is my 40th Birthday. And I’m not the only one having a birthday. This week, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley celebrated his 81st birthday by going on a 6-mile run. Seriously? I just got winded walking out here from backstage." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a speech this week, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the 'Orient,' just hours after he apologized for using another term that offended Jewish people. The White House calls Biden's remarks “unfortunate,” while Obama calls them 'a welcomed distraction.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the 'Orient,' and also offended Jewish people. Which means he's one “pull my finger” away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney." –Conan O'Brien

"The Islamic State is releasing its own 'Grand Theft Auto' style of video game. In their version, the worse crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car." –Conan O'Brien

September 17, 2014

"President Obama hosted a picnic at the White House today for members of Congress. Obama said it was a great opportunity to gather every member of Congress in one place – so he could turn on the sprinklers. Payback!" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House picnic was actually held one year after it was canceled. Last year the president had too much stuff going on to make time for a picnic, whereas now he just doesn't care anymore." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton's supporters are calling on her to be more herself, after some of her recent appearances seemed to be too scripted. Hillary said, 'I don't know where you guys get this stuff. Shrug and shake head.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Problems for the NFL continue. Last week Nike suspended Ray Rice's contract and today they suspended Adrian Peterson's contract. So now Nike is down to Oscar Pistorius and Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The official ballot is one line: 'Should Scotland be an independent country?' And that's it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says 'Yes'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

September 16, 2014

"Bill Clinton gave a speech this weekend. He criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing President Obama. But people from Iowa missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word 'dissing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she'll run for president when she admitted that she's 'thinking about it.' And next week, she'll be 'thinking about it' when she's in New Hampshire before she spends a few days 'thinking about it' in Florida." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes 'yes,' it will also leave the European Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin put it, 'I got dibs!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course if Scotland does break up with England, it'll just do what everyone does: Stalk them on Facebook." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison population. It's expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34 teams." –Conan O'Brien

"In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Manhattan was jammed with traffic, streets were filled with people wearing strange clothes and yelling in every conceivable language. Then the U.N. got started." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.N. delegates fan out across Manhattan to take advantage of diplomatic immunity. They do dangerous stuff just because they can, like get speeding tickets. They can even take pictures of Alec Baldwin." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House today came out in support of requiring police officers to wear body cameras at all times. It's a great way for fans to keep up with their favorite NFL players." –Seth Meyers

September 15, 2014

"Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called 'Nuns on the Bus' kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, 'Call me when you've spent 67 years.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's brother Doug Ford has announced that he'll be running in his brother's place. I don't think it's a good sign that in the Ford family, Doug is known as 'the crazy one.'" –Seth Meyers

"Al Qaeda has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline – although I don't think it helped that they posted it on Myspace." –Seth Meyers

"South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL." –Conan O'Brien

Sept. 12, 2014

"Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman." –Bill Maher

"I always get excited when I come to Washington because I'm that typical tourist; I like to see the sh*t. There's so many great historical sites: the lobby of The Willard hotel, where we got that name lobbyist, where they used to literally lobby; the tavern where John Adams used to drink; the Capitol where they used to pass laws." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence." –Bill Maher

"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher

"Thirteen years since 9/11, look how far we've come. Back then we were scared, over-reacting, about to launch an expensive overseas campaign. But so much has changed. For example, Dick Cheney's heart is now connected to the iPhone watch." –Bill Maher

"Forty-seven percent of Americans feel less safe than before 9/11. But enough about the NRA." –Bill Maher

"The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas." –Bill Maher

"This week President Obama gave a big speech from White House where he outlined his plan to quote 'degrade and ultimately destroy' the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, 'I'll build their website.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote 'no' on leaving the U.K. He said, 'It's never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and . . . I'll stop talking now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced in his speech the other night that he's sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. Not only that but he's also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL." –David Letterman

"In his speech the other night, President Obama announced that he's counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can't get the support of the International House of Pancakes." –David Letterman

"Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you're slow if you're being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough." –David Letterman

"You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night." –David Letterman

"It turns out that country singer Larry Gatlin is a global policy genius and he's writing policy memos to President Obama. I think I'll wait to hear what Kenny Chesney thinks" –David Letterman

Sept. 11, 2014

'During a speech last night, President Obama announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun.' –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Dick Cheney had a closed door meeting with House Republicans to discuss foreign policy issues. He wanted to sit down with them and have a real heart to…whatever is in there at this point." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday demanding 'the highest level of transparency' concerning the league's handling of the Ray Rice domestic violence incident. That's right, Congress sent him a letter. They would have sent a video, but they wanted Goodell to see it.' –Seth Meyers

"They're now selling parking places in New York. You can buy a premium parking place for $1 million. When President Obama heard that, he said, 'Hey, wait a minute. I'll give you $2 million if you will take the place I'm in.'" –David Letterman

"A new condo development in New York is charging a million dollars for parking spots. A million dollars to park your car — wouldn't it be cheaper to just get a ticket every day for the rest of your life and park wherever you want?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he will watch in five months." –Conan O'Brien

Sept. 10, 2014

"Tonight President Obama will make a prime-time speech about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. And when he's done talking about the NFL, he'll talk about ISIS." –Conan O'Brien

"The NFL is, of course, coming under a lot of fire. Today it came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. Then the NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing." –Conan O'Brien

"The New York Times had to issue a correction after an article referred to Dick Cheney as president of the United States. The Times apologized to Dick Cheney and changed his title to 'former president of the United States.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? And the answer is . . . probably." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mike Tyson was in Canada yesterday and actually met up with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Of course, it got weird when someone yelled, 'Loved you in 'The Hangover!'' and they both said, 'Thanks!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden will be in Baltimore this weekend to celebrate the 200th anniversary of 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' Yeah, 200 years — or, roughly how long it takes today's pop singers to finish the national anthem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today The New York Times had to issue a correction after it mistakenly referred to Dick Cheney as a former president. Of course, George W. Bush made that same mistake all the time." –Seth Meyers

"A federal investigation has found the Department of Homeland Security is 'ill-prepared' for a potential disease pandemic. I'm not sure I agree. They did a great job of wiping out Bieber Fever." –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday Mike Tyson traveled to Toronto and met with Mayor Rob Ford. It was a meeting between one of the most dangerous heavyweights ever and Mike Tyson." –Seth Meyers

"Mike Tyson and Rob Ford had a meeting. If you'd like to see a transcript of their conversation, just have your cat walk back and forth on your keyboard." –Seth Meyers

"Earlier tonight President Obama spoke to Americans. Obama is getting tough with ISIS. He's now going to force them to sell their NBA team." –David Letterman

"Here is Obama's 3-part plan. First, we're going to gather intelligence. Next, we're going to launch air strikes. And third, his plan is to lose the midterm elections. So he's got a full plate ahead of him." –David Letterman

"President Obama was on TV tonight. He gave a prime-time address to detail his plan to stop ISIS. And also to give his pick for tomorrow night's game between the Ravens and the Steelers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president reassured Americans that while we face no immediate threat from ISIS, we've got a ton of bombs sitting around so we're going to use them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Guess who we may be partnering with to fight ISIS. None other than Iran. Iran used to be our enemy back, like, last week, but now we may be upgrading our relationship to frenemy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's never good news when the president addresses the nation in prime time. He never comes out and says, 'Great job, everybody. I'm throwing y'all a pizza party.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Sept. 9, 2014

"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prince William and his bride are expecting her second baby. That's pretty quick for Kate to have a second baby. It's almost as if producing an heir is her job." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple had to keep Kate's pregnancy secret from the rest of the royal family. And that's not easy because Prince Charles is all ears." –Craig Ferguson

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Sept. 8, 2014

"On Friday President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge on his way back from the NATO summit in Wales. And even crazier — today he made a surprise visit to the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited Stonehenge. It was going well until Biden said, 'Look at the size of those dominoes.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Department of Transportation is considering building a new high-speed train that could get people from D.C. to Baltimore in 15 minutes. It gets you out of Washington in 15 minutes — or as President Obama calls that, 'Still not fast enough.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"AMC is coming out with a spin-off of 'The Walking Dead' that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It's called 'The News.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge." –Conan O'Brien

"Reportedly the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, finally has been revealed. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games." –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William and wife Kate are expecting another baby. This is big news — in the year 1614." –David Letterman

"Now there will be two royal babies. This guy is going to have to start looking for a job, you know what I mean?" –David Letterman

"Also from England, it turns out they have now identified Jack the Ripper. They found the DNA off an old white Ford Bronco. Not only that, but they now know the guy was married to Kelly Ripper." –David Letterman

"On this date in 1974, Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon. A lot of people think Nixon's trouble was for Watergate, but it was not. It was for wearing a tan suit." –David Letterman

"This weekend a Native American group gathered outside of the Houston-Washington game to protest the Redskins' nickname. And a group of Cowboys wide receivers gathered outside of the Dallas-San Francisco game because that's where most of Tony Romo's passes were landing." –Seth Meyers

"This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It's an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter." –Seth Meyers

"Our former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, returned today to Sacramento, where they unveiled his official portrait. They do this for all the governors, even the ones who were in 'The Expendables.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Sept. 5, 2014

"Happy Birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who turns 52 years old tomorrow. The star of TLC's show 'Cake Boss' is actually making the cake for Chris Christie's birthday party. In fact, I hear he's even making the cake in the shape of Christie's favorite thing: cake." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, it'll get weird when Chris Christie's family says, 'No, no, no, you're supposed to blow the candles out BEFORE you eat it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has decided not to send President Obama to campaign in battleground states because his low approval ratings could hurt Democrats. They're only sending him where he can't do any damage — or as that's also known, 'The Biden Circuit.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting tough with that Vladimir Putin. Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he's wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige." –David Letterman

Sept. 4, 2014

"Yesterday John Kerry joined five previous secretaries of state at a groundbreaking ceremony for a new diplomacy museum. Sorry, I just fell asleep saying that." –Jimmy Fallon

"While the diplomacy museum is just a pile of dirt now, pretty soon it'll be even LESS interesting." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." –David Letterman

"It is a sad day for us in the comedy community. We lost Joan Rivers, one of the all-time greats. It is terribly sad. I just hope that when Joan meets the man upstairs, he's wearing something she can insult." –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 3, 2014

"President Obama will attend a NATO summit in Wales this week with 67 other world leaders. He’s trying to project strength, so the White House says he'll be wearing his toughest shade of tan suit." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama will be at a NATO summit, where he will discuss the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, who wasn't invited. Then Putin said, 'Has that ever stop me before?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A survey showed that 71 percent of Americans do not believe Washington should drop the name of their team – the Redskins. Also, most Americans believe that New York should just drop the Jets altogether." –David Letterman

"Apple is sprucing up the iPhone. Tomorrow you can get the new iPhone 6. The iPhone 6 is a lot like President Obama's hair. Every year it's lighter and thinner." –David Letterman

"Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That's good because if there's one company you want to trust with your money, it's the company that leaked your nude photos." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is back on the job, and he's visiting Estonia. He said he wanted to be there before Russian tanks rolled in." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin said today he hopes to have a Ukrainian peace deal by Friday. He's reached out the olive branch. And if there's no peace deal by Friday, Putin said, 'I will crush Ukraine like bug under boot.'" –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 2, 2014

"President Obama shows up at a press conference and he's wearing a beige suit. Well, this drives the Republicans crazy. It's nothing but, 'How could he?' and 'What's he trying to pull?' Republicans would just rather have a beige President." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend the White House chef married an MSNBC news anchor. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Person who serves the president marries person who serves the president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz has invited President Obama to play golf on the U.S.-Mexico border. Cruz thought it was a funny way to point out problems the president hasn't fixed yet. While Obama said, 'So are we playing or not?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There is a certain irony to being judged on one’s physical appearance by a group of men who, if you squint, look on a good day like a bowl of dried fruit,” he said. “I’m not going to name names, but our Senate is filled with people who look like balls.” –Jon Stewart on Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand’s revelation about the sexual harassment she faced from her congressional colleagues

"Folks, I do not have to tell you that the world out there is spinning out of control. The Middle East is in flames. Russian troops have crossed into Ukraine. But the biggest news this weekend was the shocking invasion of Boob-istan." –Stephen Colbert on the celebrity nude photo scandal

Aug. 22-29, 2014

"According to a report from the United Nations, the damage from global warming could be irreversible. It's clear we need to do something. We need to give the Earth the ice bucket challenge." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republicans have a video game for the kids. You have an elephant on your video game and it tries to accumulate seats in the Senate. It's not the first. Remember George w. bush had a video game back in 2000 -- Grand Theft Election." –David Letterman

"In Washington state you can now smoke weed. But they have something I've never heard of. It's weed soda. It is the opposite of diet soda, if you think about it. A minute ago I was just thirsty. Now I'm starving. Weed soda!" –David Letterman

"Burger King is moving to Canada. they bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton's. Financed by Warren Buffett, burger king will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. Hearing about it, President Obama immediately took away Buffett's medal of freedom." –David Letterman

"President Obama watched the Emmys and said the U.S. would be out of the Emmys by 2017." –David Letterman

"Israel bugged John Kerry's phone last year while he mediated Middle East peace talks. They listened in on John Kerry's phone calls. It's the rare case where the crime IS the punishment." –Seth Meyers

"Race is there; it exists. You’re tired of hearing about it?… Imagine how f*cking exhausting it is living it." -Jon Stewart on Fox News's coverage of Ferguson

Aug. 19-20, 2014

"Missouri Governor Jay Nixon apparently sent the National Guard to Ferguson without letting the White House know first. When he heard he was left out of such an important decision, Obama said, 'Holy crap, I've been Bidened!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Egypt's foreign ministry called on the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Man, talk about living in glass pyramids." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is returning to Iowa next month for the first time since her failed presidential run in 2008. Hillary denies just being there for politics. She said, 'I love Iowa for their ... OK, I'm running for president.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Texas Governor Rick Perry has been charged with two felonies. Yesterday, after he got his mug shot, he went out for ice cream – or, as Mayor Rob Ford calls it, multi-tasking." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie says he believes in Rick Perry’s honesty and integrity. Then, he said, 'Pass me some of that ice cream!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton. He turned 68 today, or as he calls, 'one away from the fun one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Disneyworld has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through It's a Small World and deport most of the dolls." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary yelled surprise, and out of habit, Bill yelled, 'I can explain." –Conan O'Brien

"Analysts say that President Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton's advice for years – which is why we've yet to see him in a pantsuit." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry, what a good-looking guy he is. As a requirement for being a Republican candidate for president, you have to look good in a mug shot. I hope this doesn't ruin his chances of being our next dumb president from Texas." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honest to God, how many of you — other than losing a bet, how many of you would go to have a meal at Anthony Weiner's restaurant? Plus it's a drive-thru. You pull your car up, you roll down your window, and you scream your order right into his fly." –David Letterman

"'Meet the Press' has fired host David Gregory and hired another guy, Chuck Todd, to host. To me, if your name is Chuck Todd, it might as well be David Gregory. Todd Chuck, Gregory David, it makes no difference. They're all interchangeable." –David Letterman

Aug. 18, 2014

"Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney's office unless she stepped down. He's now the most controversial governor in the country – which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like Rick Perry's chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as Hillary put it, 'One down, four more to go.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, 'You sure man?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don't use up all their vacation days. While the rest apparently loaned them to President Obama. He's on vacation again!" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. You know why? Vice President Joe Biden had locked himself out of the White House." –David Letterman

"Obama was on a two-week break with his family and had to cut it short by two days, had to go back to Washington. I'm thinking: you spend two weeks with your family, you're going to need a two-day break. Am I right?" –David Letterman

"David Gregory, a longtime newsman over at NBC news, is no longer the host of 'Meet the Press.' He took over for Tim Russert, and now they just booted him. They just kicked him right out the door. He's following a trail I blazed at NBC." –David Letterman

"David Gregory is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd, which indicates to me that in order to host that program you have to have two first names." –David Letterman

"Rumor has it that Texas Gov. Rick Perry badly wants to run in the next presidential race. You can tell Perry's behind it because they're starting to make signs that says 'Perry 2017.'" –Conan O'Brien

Aug. 14-15, 2014

"A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it's bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon

"People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I'm not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House says President Obama won't make any major announcements during his brief trip back to D.C. this weekend. Reporters said, 'Isn't THAT an announcement?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Oh this isn't good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, 'Are you sure this isn't something a seven-dollar bill can't get me out of?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, 'Been there!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 13, 2014

"President Obama is apparently back on speaking terms with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. I guess their disagreements over Israel have made their relationship somewhat complicated. But not as complicated as the name, 'Recep Tayyip Erdogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"To commemorate the 25th anniversary of 'Field of Dreams,' the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, 'If you build it . . . I will come.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a luxury Middle Eastern airline that's going to start offering first-class passengers a suite with bedrooms, a kitchenette, and shower. United Airlines says you can enjoy the same amenities if you cancel your flight and stay home." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Fox News medical expert Dr. Keith Ablow told viewers that Michelle Obama needs to drop a few. So I think there's a good chance Michelle Obama is going to drop Dr. Keith Ablow." –Seth Meyers

Aug. 12, 2014

"President Obama went to the beach yesterday while he's vacationing on Martha's Vineyard. Which got weird when he took out his metal detector to search for $16 trillion in quarters." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a fundraiser last night, President Obama suggested that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. Which got awkward when Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, 'You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my even colder, deader fingers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, 'Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to crack." –Jimmy Fallon

"Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand." –Conan O'Brien

Aug. 11, 2014

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back. He's opening a new restaurant that will specialize in healthy local food. It's the first restaurant with a sign on the door that reads: 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No Pants, No Underwear, No Hats . . .' It just keeps going. It's a long list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama's foreign policy a failure. She either wants to be a president or a Fox News anchor. We're not sure." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Postal service has lost $2 billion this spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced last Thursday night that the U.S. would begin air strikes in Iraq. So in a way, it was the ultimate throwback Thursday. " –Seth Meyers

"Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. So, whatever you do, don't ask to see the special." –Seth Meyers

Aug. 5-8, 2014

"President Obama is planning to break up his vacation in Martha's Vineyard by returning to D.C. for two days for meetings. Yeah, two days away from his family vacation – or as that's also known, a 'vacation.' If you've been on vacation, then you know." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Russian government said Edward Snowden can stay for three more years. Or as Obama put it, 'Eh, that was gonna be his prison sentence, anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on 'The Lion King.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, '60 under par!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We're going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know what city Forbes says is the coolest? The No. 1 coolest city in America is Washington, D.C. How did that happen? Did Obama start smoking again?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Forbes bases its rankings on factors like how many entertainment options a city has. Makes sense. In Washington, between Joe Biden and John Boehner alone, it's like a nonstop Burning Man festival." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week it was revealed the CIA has been spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is the committee that's supposed to supervise the CIA. Who do these people think they are? Facebook?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"A Republican congressman has accused Democrats of waging a war on whites. As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the kale aisle at a Trader Joe's." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's approval rating is now at an all-time low. It's so bad that last night he gave his daughter Sasha a ride to a friend's house and she asked him to drop her off two blocks away." –Seth Meyers

"Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won't have true peace in the Middle East until there's a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale." –Seth Meyers

Aug. 4, 2014

"Tonight is our 100th episode. To celebrate, people sent us flowers and a big cake – which I immediately passed on to Rob Ford and Chris Christie. We couldn't have done it without them." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, we're not the only ones celebrating. President Obama turned 53 years old today. Obama blew out his candles and made a wish. But when he opened his eyes, he was still president." –Jimmy Fallon

"It is our president's birthday. It's also the birthday of NASCAR champ Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon and President Obama are very different, of course. One's a guy who spent his whole life turning left and is hated by NASCAR fans. And the other one? Jeff Gordon." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy birthday to President Obama. He turned 53 today, according to his birth certificate. The truth is he's actually 55 years old but Congress blocked his last two birthdays." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight President Obama blew out the candles on the gluten-free broccoli and carrot loaf from Michelle, and then cried himself to sleep. She did let him smell a piece of cake." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. He turned 53 today, if you believe the birth certificate." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama is turning 53 while his face and hair are turning 68. Congratulations to all three of them." –Seth Meyers

"Congress wanted to surprise President Obama on his birthday so they passed a bill." –Seth Meyers

July 31-Aug. 1, 2014

"Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to sue President Obama for abusing his executive powers. Experts are calling this a meaningless political stunt that's a huge waste of taxpayer money, while Congress is saying, 'Yep. That's what we do.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The House voted 225-201 to sue President Obama. That's the bad news. The good news is that Congress actually passed something." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that PETA is now saying they'll pay off people's water bills if they agree to go vegan for 30 days. Or in other words, you can get PETA to pay off your water bill if you can lie for 30 days." –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is facing criticism for accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign commercial. In response, people said, 'No biggie — I gave him a fake number, anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?" –David Letterman

"Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock." –David Letterman

"Sometimes you wonder about these guys in Congress. Are they there at all?" –David Letterman

"A new study says that Republicans are more religious than Democrats. But I don't think that includes President Obama praying every day for his term to end." –David Letterman

"Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress will take the whole month of August off. From what, exactly, I don't know." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

"Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that despite her age she does not plan on retiring and is likely to remain on the court for a while – after which she was immediately traded to the New York Knicks." –Seth Meyers

"When Congress adjourns for the summer. It's a tradition that dates back to a time when Congress actually did things." –Bill Maher

July 28-30, 2014

"I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama is facing repeated calls for his impeachment because of the immigration crisis at the border. But yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that in fact Republicans have no plans to impeach the president. Which got weird when Obama was like, 'Damn.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Boehner said Republicans have no plans to impeach President Obama. They were like, 'We're too busy trying to figure out how to impeach Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Times is reporting that Montana Sen. John Walsh plagiarized at least 25 percent of master's thesis in grad school. Walsh totally denies it and said, 'I am not a crook," and "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." –Jimmy Fallon

"The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, 'You know, like a newspaper.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. So far the best idea is making a line for people who know what they're doing and another line for people who have never been to an airport before." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting here in New York is the middle finger." –David Letterman

"In Washington the House passed a bill today to go forward with a lawsuit against President Obama. Who says Congress can't get anything done? They're suing the president." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That lawsuit against the president is ridiculous – unless they do the trial on 'Judge Judy.' Then I'm all for it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times published its first of a six-part series that calls for federal legalization of marijuana. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before BuzzFeed asked us which sandwich we were." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Times editorial board argued, after weighing the pros and cons, that the scale tips in favor of legalizing marijuana nationwide. You know how long it's going to take people to finish The New York Times crossword puzzle NOW?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The FBI has captured a man accused of sending over 500 letters filled with white powder to President Obama. The FBI said he was a disillusioned middle-aged man who felt beaten down and powerless at work, and the guy who sent the letters was kind of a mess, too." –Seth Meyers

"The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.'" –Seth Meyers

"Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating." –Seth Meyers

"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families." –Craig Ferguson

July 25, 2014

"U.S. intelligence now says that the Malaysian flight was definitely taken down by Russian separatists. But those Russians, they stick with that Soviet propaganda sh*t. Putin said today 'no, it's because one of the passengers turned on their cell phones. Either that or Pussy Riot shot it down.'" –Bill Maher

"There's a twelve hour cease fire in the Middle East; otherwise known as reloading." –Bill Maher

"The Palestinian leaders have called for a Day of Rage. In Los Angeles we also have a day of rage; that is when you're trying to drive when Obama is in town." –Bill Maher

"But you know what? Hollywood liberals, they are still crazy in love with him. Even when his motorcade turns the freeway into a parking lot, they're like, 'That was the most inspirational traffic jam ever. The way all the cars came together...'" –Bill Maher

"They are really debating the firing squad right now. Of course there are a lot of people on the other side who say this is cruel and unusual. Cruel and unusual? This is America. What's more usual than getting shot?" –Bill Maher on the debate over the death penalty and botched executions

July 23, 2014

"Yesterday, a judge said that Obamacare is an acceptable substitute for state-run health insurance. He actually said that, 'It's just like Domino's being a substitute for Pizza Hut.' Then, Americans said, 'Well, either way, it's taken you guys way longer than 30 minutes to deliver it, so give us our free healthcare.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge wrote an opinion today in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino's. I'm not sure I agree. THEIR websites always worked." –Seth Meyers

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced plans to send 1,000 National Guard troops to increase security. If you really want to slow down the flow of illegal immigrants, send the TSA." –Seth Meyers

"A new investigation found that people are using fake ID's to sign up for Obamacare. I'm sorry, but today's teenagers do not know how to party." –Conan O'Brien

"Instead of us sending troops down to the border, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let's turn off the lights and pretend America's not home. So the kids move on to the next house – Canada." –Stephen Colbert

July 22, 2014

"I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants." –Jimmy Fallon

"You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he's made of wood." –Seth Meyers

"Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince's first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla." –Craig Ferguson

"Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's." –Craig Ferguson

July 21, 2014

"President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, 'Because he'd make me look AMAZING.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, 'So, vat do you think?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I heard that Rob Ford's nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: 'I'm adopted!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back in the news. He says the military at the NSA often shared nude photos that Americans had emailed to one another. So if your girlfriend won't send you naked pictures, just tell her, do it for the troops." –Conan O'Brien
"President Kennedy said let's put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut." –David Letterman

"When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: 'Out of my way, Buzz!' Whack!" David Letterman

"In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden 'would be a superb president.' In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word 'poll.'" –Seth Meyers

July 18, 2014

"Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israeli's agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food - how Jewish is that? 'We're going to attack you, but first you should eat.'" –Bill Maher

"Rupert Murdoch. the guy that owns FOX News. is wanting to buy Time Warner - which owns HBO - in which case you could kiss my ass goodbye. Yes, welcome to 'Real Time with Bill O'Reilly.'" –Bill Maher

"Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Americans who couldn't get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn't mean that we're not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It's a giant bore. Involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy, and what could go wrong with that?" –Bill Maher

July 17, 2014

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. 'Cities just aren't equipped to deal with it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden's bedtime." –Jimmy Fallon
"People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking 'Real Housewives of the Vatican?'" –David Letterman
"I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?" –David Letterman

"Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. 'We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today's presidential lunch update.'" –David Letterman

"Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID." –Seth Meyers

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

"Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides 'mostly respected' the cease-fire. That's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're 'mostly dressed.'" –Seth Meyers

July 16, 2014

"President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, 'Look, we'll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn't a good idea, because, quote, 'no one wants President Joe Biden.' And that's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study." –David Letterman

"If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between the governor and the potato salad." –David Letterman

"A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it – unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool." –Conan O'Brien

"There's currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, '10, 9, 8...'" –Seth Meyers

"This week Dick Cheney called President Obama 'the worst president of my lifetime.' Oh come on, Obama may not be perfect, but there's no way he's worse than John Quincy Adams." –Seth Meyers

July 15, 2014

"To avoid being spied on by the NSA, Germany is considering using typewriters now to communicate so we can't spy on them. Germany says they may even go further back and start using AOL accounts." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"So the old Pope from Germany and the present Pope from Argentina got together at the Vatican and watched the World Cup together. We even have the footage – they're praying over a pizza." –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Germany! They have now won four World Cup soccer championships. But – they are still O for 2 in world wars." –David Letterman

"The border crisis continues. And a new poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how President Obama is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if he lets more people into America." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new study, one in four Americans admits to not exercising at all. As a result, one in four Americans is actually TWO in four Americans." –Seth Meyers

"This crazy weather we've been having all over the country — it's because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on 'Shuffle.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"And maybe that's why the FCC just announced that it wants to overhaul the Emergency Alert System so President Obama would be able to interrupt any TV broadcast and address the country instantly. Which of course raises the question: He can't do that ALREADY?" –Jimmy Fallon

"They want to make it so the president can instantly interrupt TV broadcasts whenever there's breaking news. Then Obama said, 'And I mean REAL breaking news, not that CNN stuff.'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 14, 2014

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again." –Jimmy Fallon

"During yesterday's World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase 'natural born prankster' written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison." –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro." –Jimmy Fallon

"Germany won the World Cup, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways." –Conan O'Brien

"Germany is your World Cup champions, ladies and gentlemen. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. Of course we know this because we're still bugging her phone." –David Letterman

"Congratulations, my German friends. They are World Cup champions. People in Germany were going nuts, firing guns into the air, marching up and down the streets. Then they heard about the World Cup win." –Craig Ferguson

"Germans haven't been this excited since the release of the last David Hasselhoff album. They haven't been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet." –Craig Ferguson

"People in Germany went bonkers. Rumor has it that up to half a dozen Germans actually cracked a smile." –Craig Ferguson

"Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knicks, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to." –Seth Meyers

"Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15." –Seth Meyers

"Brazil's coach resigned following the country's historic 7-1 loss in the World Cup last week. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered." –Seth Meyers

July 11-12, 2014

"Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I'm thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don't work anymore? What is the problem?" –David Letterman

"According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we'll be invading ourselves." –David Letterman

"On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia." –David Letterman

"Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel." –Seth Meyers

"North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed." –Craig Ferguson

"And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un's haircut." –Craig Ferguson

July 9, 2014

"Welcome to the Tonight Show. I'm Jimmy Fallon – and in the time it took me to say that, Germany scored five more goals against Brazil." –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, 'We're going to invade Disney World!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At the World Cup, Germany defeated Brazil 7-1. Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals." –David Letterman

"Germany took care of Brazil. Now it's on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia." David Letterman

"Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty." –Seth Meyers

July 7-8, 2014

"Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, 'It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting. But it got weird when he said, 'Hello, Toronto City Council!' And they said, 'This is Buffalo, sir . . . And you have to put a shirt on.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner is threatening to sue President Obama for using executive actions to create laws, instead of going through Congress first. Then Obama shrugged and made a new law that you can't sue the president." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's 61 hot dogs in 12 minutes, or as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie calls it – a snack." –David Letterman

"The U.S. soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup competition, but they gave it a pretty good run. But the problem now is we have to find something else to pretend to care about." –David Letterman

June 25, 2014

"The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is 'We Will Find a Way.' It narrowly beat out the other contender, 'I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien

"England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of 'Game of Thrones.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy and one of their players bites an Italian player. How many of you folks have ever been bitten by a Uruguayan?" –David Letterman

"FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament." –David Letterman

June 24, 2014

"Yesterday Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president 'as soon as possible.' So even she has had enough of President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"At the World Cup, Uruguay's Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team. It's the third time he's done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later." –Conan O'Brien

"I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

June 23, 2014

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you though was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'." –Conan O'Brien

"After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again." –Conan O'Brien

"That’s the nice thing about the World Cup. We can be invested if we win. If we lose it's like: Oh, it's soccer, I don't care." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. The president then announced he will be raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

"People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven't seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo's family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale." –Craig Ferguson

"A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn't until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you watch the match between United States and Portugal? I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or not. It ended in a tie. For a short time Americans cared about soccer." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The World Cup is very confusing. It could take up to a month after the final game to figure out who won." –Jimmy Kimmel

June 19, 2014

"You know where it's bad now? Iraq. It was bad and now it's getting worse. Today President Obama said he might have to send in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early." –David Letterman

"The Smithsonian unveiled a 3-D printed sculpture of President Obama that is detailed enough to see his pores and wrinkles. The sculpture is so realistic that Joe Biden won’t leave it alone." –Seth Meyers

"A Canadian woman was arrested for having an open container of liquor while driving Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s SUV. Although when Rob Ford’s in the car, anyone not smoking crack is legally considered a designated driver." –Seth Meyers

June 18, 2014

"President Obama's approval rating in the U.S. is at its lowest point ever, 41 percent. After hearing this, the president said, 'When did I become less popular in this country than soccer? How did that happen?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money." –Jimmy Fallon

"Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners." –David Letterman

"Rob Ford is running for re-election. He's got a very catchy campaign slogan. You'll see it on bumper stickers all over Canada: 'The crack stops here.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'" –David Letterman

"Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

June 17, 2014

"This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, 'So, they finally got Hillary?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today at the World Cup, Mexico and Brazil ended in a 0-0 tie. Fun fact: Both teams were ordered by their coaches to abstain from sex. In other words, these guys can't score on or off the field." –Conan O'Brien

"Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It's a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the Iranian president tweeted a picture of himself all alone watching a World Cup game on television. Yeah, then he watched his favorite show — 'It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone." –David Letterman

"Now, the way I hear it the Iraqi army had some trouble with the insurgents and they just dropped their guns, took off their uniforms, and went home — just like the Miami Heat." –David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

"If you love soccer, you have to wait four years for a World Cup. It's like making an appointment with a VA doctor." –David Letterman

"In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, 'Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?'" –Jimmy Fallon

June 16, 2014

"President Obama just had his annual physical, which showed that he's suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn't get it treated, Obama said bitterly, 'It's not covered by Obamacare.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The World Cup is underway. A lot of World Cup soccer players have been faking injuries to draw a penalty from the other team. Meanwhile, a lot of Americans have been faking following the World Cup." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, President Obama got his annual presidential physical. His cholesterol is up and his approval rating is down." –David Letterman

"Obama wants to lower his cholesterol, but Congress is blocking him." –David Letterman

"The doctor said Obama passed his physical. That's the first thing he's passed in the second term." –David Letterman

"Some Northern California counties want to form a separate state. They smoke a lot of weed up there. What would you call a state based on marijuana? Toke-lahoma.Flori-duh. How about Spliffs-consin? Dela-weed. New Hemp-shire." –Craig Ferguson

June 12-13, 2014

"House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost Virginia's Republican primary to a Tea Party candidate. And get this. It was revealed that Cantor's campaign actually spent more money at steakhouses than his opponent spent on his entire campaign. Or as one of my guests tonight put it, 'So? What's wrong with that?' Hey, I'm talking about Chris Rock, not Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today was the start of the World Cup. It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, 'Well, I guess we're watching this now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Father's Day is just a few days away. And in a new interview President Obama said that he is a fun dad who teeters on the edge of embarrassing his kids. Because nothing says you're a fun dad like SAYING you're a fun dad." –Jimmy Fallon

"Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. Infact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga." –Conan O'Brien

"George H.W. Bush turned 90 today and he celebrated by jumping out of a plane. Isn't that cool? So if you include Obama there were two presidents in freefall today." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, America's in the World Cup. Did you even know that? Experts say they have less than a 1 percent chance of winning the World Cup, and even their coach said winning is not realistic — all of which sounds like one hell of a pre-game pep talk." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

"The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, 'Remember, if you can't beat 'em – invade 'em.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Today is the start of the World Cup in Brazil. I know you guys know that. I'm telling Brazil. 'Hurry up. Finish the stadium!'" –Seth Meyers

"The World Cup starts today, which means you're all about to find out which of your friends lived in Europe for a year." –Seth Meyers

June 11, 2014

"House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?" –David Letterman

"While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, 'That's all?'" –David Letterman

"Oh no! Congress's current golden age of cooperation and productiveness is over." –Jon Stewart on pundit predictions that the defeat of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor will make it impossible for Republicans to cooperate with Democrats

"The campaign manager who helped unseat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor last night is a 23-year-old man who interviewed for a job at Panera Bread last month. Said Cantor, 'Is that position still available?'" –Seth Meyers

"For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania." –Seth Meyers

"A Tea Party candidate won Virginia's Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state's slogan from 'Virginia is for lovers' to 'Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'" –Conan O'Brien

June 10, 2014

"President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama's daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he's used to people ignoring him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

"In her new memoir, Hillary Clinton said the Obama campaign wanted her to attack Sarah Plain. So did her husband Bill, but only because he loves a good cat fight." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving." –David Letterman

"The president was sitting there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for Taliban prisoners." –David Letterman

"President Obama had a cup of his favorite coffee – the Kenyan Socialist." –David Letterman

June 9, 2014

"Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won't make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she'll travel, she said, 'New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama faced some criticism for chewing gum during a D-Day ceremony. He said, 'Sorry, but if I don't get my Nicorette, there's going to be another war on this beach.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week Hillary Clinton launches the tour for her new book. When he heard Bill Clinton said, 'I'm so proud of her, and what day exactly is she leaving?'" –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview she said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad, the two of them needed to share a bedroom." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton has a new book out on her experiences as secretary of state. Instead of a book jacket, her book is wearing a pantsuit." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president 'by the end of the year.' Specifically, the year 1998." –Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin's personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there's one country that's definitely going to start World War III, it's Finland." –Seth Meyers

"On Friday the CIA launched its official Twitter account. Which means that you could receive this terrifying email: 'The CIA is now following you.'" –Seth Meyers

June 6, 2014

Bill Maher on gun nuts who want to open carry everywhere: "Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room."

"Something happened this week that in the past was always completely not controversial, we brought home a prisoner of war. Bowe Bergdahl is his name, from the Afghanistan war. Of course if you saw Fox News, you saw what really happened: Obama surrendered to the Taliban." –Bill Maher

"It was a tough week for conservatives because, you know, on the one hand they love the military and soldiers, but they hate Obama. So at first, FOX News was like, 'We don't want to weigh in until all the facts were distorted.'" –Bill Maher on the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap

"I'm kidding, of course. They weighed in right away. And the conclusion they came to is if there is one inviolate, eternal, etched-in-stone rule, which is that we never leave an American solider behind in war, unless Obama does it and then of course it’s a stupid, horrible thing to do." –Bill Maher

"Exactly right. Good presidents, people like George Bush, he sends people to war. They don't bring them home and rescue them. This is America, we rescue insurance companies and banks." –Bill Maher

"We don't trade terrorists for hostages. We trade arms for hostages. But there are of course aspects of this story that are actually controversial. Like this guy may very well have been a deserter, which is not good. You just can’t pick up and leave in the middle of your job. You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin, she was all over this story, attacking this Bowe Bergdahl guy because, you know, she found out through reports, we don't really know this, that he has trouble now speaking English. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black." –Bill Maher

"Of course he has trouble speaking English. You know, he was five years around nobody else who speaks English. Sarah, what's your excuse?" –Bill Maher

"I mean, come on, cut this guy some slack. When you spend five years in captivity it can make a man do some crazy things, like when McCain picked you!" –Bill Maher

"Look, whatever happened over there in Afghanistan, we're not going to find out or really know for a while. He will spend weeks, they say, recovering and then months until he can get an appointment at the VA." –Bill Maher

"The other controversial aspect of this, and it is controversial, is that Obama did kind of did do it illegally. You are supposed to give Congress 30 days notice, but the administration says their excuse for that is that Bergdahl’s life was in immediate danger. And that’s just because the Taliban were driving a GM truck." –Bill Maher

June 5, 2014

'When asked about criticism from Hillary Clinton, Russia's President Putin said he doesn't like to argue with women. Putin is either being a misogynist, or else ladies he's the perfect catch.' –Conan O'Brien

'President Obama says that the United States never leaves soldiers behind. But that's because we never leave.' –David Letterman

'This Bergdahl guy was in a Taliban prison for five years, and he's now recovering in a hospital in Germany. The reason he is in Germany is because he couldn't get into a VA hospital until 2020.' –David Letterman

June 4, 2014

"We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody's gone crazy. People say it's the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS." –David Letterman

"These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they're released and they get to fly home. And I'm thinking, if you go to the airport and you're stuck behind these guys in security, good luck." –David Letterman

"When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel." –David Letterman

"French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, 'You'll figure it out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona's governor immediately deported him." –Jimmy Fallon

June 3, 2014

"The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no." –David Letterman

"I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you're pretty close." –David Letterman

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It's an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress." –Seth Meyers

"I don't want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you'd like him just-f**king-fine." -Jon Stewart, reacting to "Fox and Friends" cohost Brian Kilmeade's criticism of the father of freed American POW Bowe Bergdahl

"Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper." –Jimmy Fallon

"CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Poland. He's not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It's kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you're getting attacked, right?" –Craig Ferguson

June 2, 2014

"Marijuana dispensaries in San Jose, California, will give out free weed to people who vote in tomorrow's municipal election. Which should backfire when the winner of the election is 'Pizza.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it's a huge violation of their privacy – then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for president. And Joe Biden said, 'Thank you very – wait, what?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama had lunch with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, 'After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office.' And the president said, 'I know. I listened in.'" –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people in Washington were shocked by this Obama-Hillary meeting. I'm not sure about Nancy Pelosi. She looks shocked all the time." –Craig Ferguson

May 22, 2014

"Fans of 'The Price is Right' got angry at President Obama yesterday because a speech he was giving interrupted the show. So let me fill them in on what they missed: Three people you don't know got called down, and they were extremely happy about it. That's all you missed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs. And that's just selling lava lamps at Spencer's Gifts." –Jimmy Fallon

"The organizing committee for the 2016 Olympics in Rio just announced that 38 percent of the venues are completed. When asked if they'd be done in time for the Summer Games, Rio said, 'Wait – SUMMER games?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. You know what a McRobb is? It's half Rob Ford, half McRib." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Rob Ford is something else. His car gets pulled over for DUI even when he's not in it. It's over. The machines have won. I mean, for God's sake, Rob Ford's Cadillac Escalade is drunk." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 19-21, 2014

"Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there's nothing parents love more than their kid's Little League game getting even longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn't that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can't really describe what he does for a living." –Conan O'Brien

"It's springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study." –David Letterman

"The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it's payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid." –Conan O'Brien

"In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire's entire black community, a guy named Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, 'Because we couldn't find anyone who hasn't smoked pot.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him." –Seth Meyers

"Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, 'We've been expecting you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season." –Stephen Colbert

"I mean, why would [Hillary Clinton] run? In the past month, she faced new Benghazi allegations, the return of Monica Lewinsky, Karl Rove speculating on her brain damage and the rumors that she only got into the White House by sleeping with the president. A lie? Probably." –Stephen Colbert

May 15-16, 2014

"Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was here, touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing. And the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule – like Obama's second term." –David Letterman

"The new 'Godzilla' opens this weekend. They're finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama took his 1,001st flight aboard Air Force One. And they still made him take his shoes off at security." –Seth Meyers

New Rule: Now that Clay Aiken's opponent in the Democratic primary for Congress died after a "accidental fall down the stairs", the Republican Aiken will face next might want to consider dropping out. Because this is Clay Aiken we're talking about. And apparently Clay Aiken is going to take what Clay motherfuckin' Aiken wants. Which might explain why every single face he's ever made looks like a guy who just pushed someone down the stairs." –Bill Maher

May 13-14, 2014

"The earthquake damaged the Washington Monument. They had to do some sandblasting, had to have the graffiti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It's what they're doing right now for Hillary Clinton." –David Letterman

'During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay's president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, but I'm happily married.'' –Jimmy Fallon

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it's legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho's gay people all cheered – from their homes in San Francisco and New York." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, '55 percent? That's almost half.'" –Seth Meyers

"New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents." –Seth Meyers

"A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors." –Seth Meyers

May 12, 2014

"They are reopening the Washington Monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years – like the Obama administration." –David Letterman

"During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said 'Oh, I quit,' Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office." –Seth Meyers

"Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, 'Do you mean 'DEADLINE deadline' or 'Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who's never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, 'Eh, it's been done.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren't supposed to be in a gay relationship until they're sent to prison. Then it's fine." –Conan O'Brien

"In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high." –Conan O'Brien

"So that's our choice: Malala, or Rush — the quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in the Chernobyl-esque superfund clean-up site that was his soul.  Who should we choose? I don’t know, why don’t we tweet our votes to hashtag #F*ckyouRush." -Jon Stewart, showing a photo  of Malala Yousufzai with a #BringBackOurGirls sign in solidarity with the drive to rescue 300 kidnapped Nigerian girls, and conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, who mocked the effort

May 8, 2014

"The White House went on lockdown for the second time in three days after someone threw something over the fence. Security was like, 'Sorry Hillary, you're going to have to wait two and a half more years to move your stuff in. You can't just toss it over the fence.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, 'Wow, he's been to ALL of 'em?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden's Frisbee." –Seth Meyers

"What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, 'This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mayor Ford told a reporter he is paying $100,000 for treatment. The reason we know this is because the mayor has been talking to the Toronto Sun. He told the reporter he got in trouble for talking to the press, so he did an interview on Wednesday to tell the reporter he was not supposed to have done an interview on Tuesday." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, 'We're OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.' They hate them that much." –Conan O'Brien

May 6-7, 2014

"Here's an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he's enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, 'Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m.' Please leave.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Monica Lewinsky is breaking her silence about her affair with Bill Clinton for a new essay in Vanity Fair. In the essay, she actually says, 'it's time to burn the beret, bury the blue dress, and move on.' And Americans said, 'Yeah, we did 15 years ago. Where have you been.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, 'Uh ... that was also rehab.'" –Jimmy Fallon

'The White House released a massive report on the effects of climate change called the National Climate Assessment. Which beats its original title: 'It's Gettin' Hot in Here.' Although the report might have more impact if they didn't release it RIGHT when the weather got nice.' –Jimmy Fallon

'The Supreme Court upheld a decision that allows town hall meetings to open with a prayer. But it probably won't be answered because when God heard it was a town hall meeting, even HE went to sleep. 'I think we need another Meineke in our town! I drive by and there's cars on all four lifts.'' –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, 'I love it so much, I'm going to do this every year.'" –Conan O'Brien

'A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, 'What do I have to do? What do you want from me?'' –Conan O'Brien

"Guess who's back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news … in 1998. If you are happy that Monica Lewinsky is back in the news that means you're probably an aging writer because it was the golden age of comedy, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

May 5, 2014

"This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie – while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico's Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour." –Jimmy Fallon
"Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of 'Wolf of Wall Street' is eight seconds long. You sit down and it's over." –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama's brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito." –David Letterman

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn't. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico's unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone's fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"While Cinco de Mayo is kind of a big deal here in the United States, in Mexico it's not. What would be the American equivalent to Cinco de Mayo in Mexico? Would it be maybe Flag Day?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"That is what's great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the day that French armies were defeated at the Battle of Puebla by drunk blond girls in sombreros." –Seth Meyers

More Political Humor
Political Cartoons of the Week
• Funny Political Protest Signs
Funniest Pictures of All Time

May 2, 2014

"The political scene in Washington one of few places I've seen that's more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House Correspondents' Dinner is strange. The E! channel actually live-streams the red carpet. 'Oooh, I hope the secretary of agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is wearing Valentino.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Tomorrow night, reporters and celebrities will attend the White House Correspondents Dinner.' Of course, it'll be awkward when the reporters from CNN just spend all night trying to find their table." –Jimmy Fallon

"After taking a leave of absence, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently going to rehab in Chicago. That's right, he's headed to the Second City. As in, 'the second city where he'll be caught with crack.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers in Illinois have started a new push to legalize recreational marijuana in the state. Rob Ford said, 'Looks like I got here just in time!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Now Rob Ford is going to rehab. He didn't necessarily want to go to rehab but he has to go to rehab because he promised he would go to rehab. It's like a George Clooney engagement." –David Letterman

May 1, 2014

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?" –David Letterman

"The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can't trust your drug dealer." –David Letterman

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he's taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he's seeking help with is getting more crack." –Conan O'Brien

"After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling's wife, Rochelle, is being accused of making racist remarks during an incident back in 2009. Sterling should break up with his girlfriend and go out with his wife. They're perfect for each other." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's 'going to be president of the United States' one day. Yeah, like we're going to elect someone who secretly records people's private phone calls and conversations." –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's lawyers said that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse. Though they didn't say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy." –Seth Meyers

"This year the Colorado symphony will host a bring-your-own-marijuana concert series, called 'Classically Cannabis.' Or if you don't like classical music, you can attend the bring-your-own-marijuana concert called 'any other concert.'" –Seth Meyers

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked himself into rehab. I didn't see that coming." –Craig Ferguson

"A sober mayor of Toronto? I'm getting out of late night just in time." –Craig Ferguson

April 29-30, 2014

"The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that's not the Republicans I know. I think they're confused. We're supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians." –David Letterman

"In the middle of his second term, President Obama's approval rating once again has dropped. Obama's approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, 'I'll take it from here.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday Russia's deputy prime minister said the White House should revise its sanctions or else his country won't help NASA. And this is true, astronauts will have to start using a trampoline to get to space." –Jimmy Fallon

"L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up – the blacklist" –Jimmy Fallon

"On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on." –Jimmy Fallon

"The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn't think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, 'Wow, this is the first time I've liked a Cuban.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn't banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He's pretty old. They could've just said two years. It would have been the same thing." –Craig Ferguson

"Sterling is not allowed to have any contact with any professional basketball whatsoever. It's like he's an honorary L.A. Laker." –Craig Ferguson

"They fined Sterling $2.5 million. At a typical NBA game, $2.5 million is what you pay for those big foam fingers." –Craig Ferguson

"Clippers owner Donald Sterling was captured on tape saying very racist things to his girlfriend. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver handed down the toughest punishment possible. Friends say to help lift his spirits, Sterling has been watching '12 Years a Slave' in reverse." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Someone who doesn't want to associate with black people owning an NBA franchise is like a vegan buying a steakhouse." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This afternoon the NBA laid out the punishment for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It will include a lifetime ban from the NBA, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws." –Seth Meyers

April 28, 2014

"L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people. Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is calling Donald Sterling's racist remarks 'incredibly offensive.' And you know it's bad when even Vladimir Putin says, 'I hate to say it, but I am with Obama on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George Clooney is engaged. You can tell he's excited to get married because he's been throwing himself a bachelor party for the last 20 years." –Jimmy Fallon

"German Chancellor Angela Merkel will travel to the U.S. next month to talk with President Obama about the situation in Ukraine. And to try to get Clooney to change his mind." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here in L.A., Donald Sterling, the owner of the Clippers, has been caught on tape making racist remarks. After the audio was released, the NAACP decided not to honor Sterling with a second lifetime achievement award. Instead, they're giving him 'The Reason We Still Need an NAACP' award." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Donald Trump called Sterling's remarks disgusting and his girlfriend a terrible human being. Then Trump said, 'And that's why I've invited them both to join the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Conan O'Brien

"The L.A. Clippers protested their owner's racist remarks by wearing their uniforms inside-out. Meanwhile, the L.A. Lakers have been wearing their uniforms inside-out so no one would know they play for the Lakers." –Conan O'Brien

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O'Brien

"Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in trouble for making racist remarks. It must be terribly embarrassing for this guy, you know, to be identified as the owner of the Clippers." –David Letterman

"Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, got caught on tape allegedly spewing vial racist hate to his mistress. You know it's bad when you get caught on tape with your mistress and it's what you said that's the problem." –Craig Ferguson

"Right now every NBA fan here in Los Angeles knows there's a dark, ugly cloud of shame hanging over the Staples Center. But enough about the Lakers. There's also the Sterling thing." –Craig Ferguson

"Clippers owner Donald Sterling was caught on tape saying racist things to a woman. The NAACP was set to give him a second lifetime achievement award but rescinded the honor. I think that's a mistake. I think he should be forced to show up and accept the NAACP award." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone agrees that Sterling should be forced to sell the team. I have a solution. I will buy the team. Donald Sterling, I will give you $5,000 in cash. Do with it whatever you want. Give it to the NAACP. Maybe they'll give you another award." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I would be proud to take the reins of what once was and again will be the worst, most miserable franchise in all of sports." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was asked if he would you save Vladimir Putin if Putin were drowning. Obama said, 'Yeah, I would save Putin. I would save anyone except Donald Sterling.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis today tweeted to his 4 million Twitter followers, 'Inequality is the root of social evil.' So it looks like he's giving away his season tickets to the Clippers." –Seth Meyers
"A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy." –Seth Meyers

April 25, 2014

"The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn't that good, but the golf team is amazing." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton made news this week, when she said that older women can still make a difference in politics. Even her supporters said, 'Oh my God, just say you're running already!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More than 70,000 people will travel to Indianapolis this weekend for the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association. The weekend will feature a brunch, a gun raffle, and no sudden movements." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Japan. He's over there visiting the Benihana Training Institute." –David Letterman

P"resident Obama is out of the country. Vice President Joe Biden is out of the country. And you know what happens then. They turn over nuclear launch codes to Oprah." –David Letterman

April 24, 2014

"While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It's like the White House version of 'Freaky Friday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is visiting Japan, and for dinner last night he had $300 sushi. That's a lot of dough, but you know, it comes with unlimited bread sticks. And Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare." –David Letterman

"Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular...at first." –Seth Meyers

"Today the Pentagon announced they are going to spend millions shooting clouds with super-lasers to create more precipitation. It's in The Washington Post newspaper. A newspaper is like a blog except everything is from yesterday." –Craig Ferguson

"Controlling the weather would be great because L.A. is so dry right now. Our rainfall is lower than Obama's approval ratings. It's lower than the Lakers winning percentage. It's lower than CNN's ratings. Lower than Tom Cruise's foot stool. Lower than the box office for that new Johnny Depp movie." –Craig Ferguson

"Lasers that control the weather are hard to explain. Basically they hit the cloud and create nitric acid particles that bind water molecules to create condensation nuclei. I hope that clears it up for you." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is in Japan today. They showed him a robot developed by Honda that can kick a soccer ball. It's cute watching the president interact with a prototype that will one day enslave us all, isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel

April 23, 2014

Jon Stewart skewering Sean Hannity: "I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I'm obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can't believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this sh*t is out there -- that humanity, that our society, is still weighed down by these burdens of a seemingly more medieval time. Like your show. To see it night after night, serving up the same sh*t, my god, you're the Arby's of news."

"Evil Vladimir Putin said this about President Obama. He said, 'If I were drowning, I think President Obama would rescue me.' And I thought: Well, give that a try." –David Letterman

"Yesterday was Earth Day. And today we went right back to throwing Jamba Juice cups in the rainforest." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"China's state media has announced that its 'Cleaning the Web' Campaign has successfully shut down 110 porn websites. That's like New York City announcing that their 'Cleaning the Subway' campaign has successfully exterminated one rat." –Seth Meyers

"It's become clear to me that I've won television. You see, Jon, almost nine years ago I promised to change the world and together, I did it." –Stephen Colbert, stopping by The Daily Show to announce, in character, the real reason that he is ending his show

"Maybe ride the rails, live boxcar to boxcar, learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken." –Stephen Colbert on his plans after leaving television

April 22, 2014

"Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It's like lice declaring a Head Day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is Earth Day. It's the day we celebrate the 'three Rs:' Reduce, reuse, and, uh, Retweet? I don't know." –Jimmy Fallon

"In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That's right, they're recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, 'Beat you to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Apple will recycle its used products for free. That's not to be confused with what Apple normally does – when it recycles its old ideas for $600." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana peel in the blue trash can." –Seth Meyers

"The Christian Science Monitor is claiming 'Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she's about to be a grandmother.' And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there's a tad less sand on the beach." –Seth Meyers

"Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. He just dropped by to sign the lease." –David Letterman

"I don't know if you've heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the show sometime next year – pending the physical." –David Letterman

April 21, 2014

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he's got a catchy campaign slogan: 'Forget my first term. I was on crack.'" –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She's very excited about it. She's home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, 'There's only one way to find out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it's a girl, it'll get some of Chelsea's old hand-me-downs; and if it's a boy, it'll get some of Hillary's." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055." –Seth Meyers

"This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes." –Seth Meyers

April 14-18, 2014

"Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico. Yeah, so they're taking our jobs and our Jebs." –Conan O'Brien

"Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton. People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to run for president in 2016?" –Craig Ferguson

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of religion, the Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the Pope-mobile with him. Afterwards the Vatican told the Pope, 'That's not the kind of publicity we're looking for.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Every year, the IRS collects over $950 billion in taxes. There's more money coming at them than a stripper at Charlie Sheen's house." –Craig Ferguson

"Let's play 'How busy do accountants get on tax day'? They're busier than drug dealers at Coachella. Busier than someone doing sign language for Regis Philbin. Busier than Justin Bieber's lawyer. Busier than gossip blogs when a late-night show's host retires." –Craig Ferguson

"A new study says that an average person's chances of getting audited by the IRS is the lowest they've been since the 1980s. Don't get any ideas, Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week.

April 10-11, 2014

"A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, 'Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even Obama said, 'Thanks, Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I have a big announcement: Starting in 2015, I will be the new host of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to our pal Stephen Colbert, who will be taking over for David Letterman next year. People in the media are already talking about there being a new late-night war — and I just want to say there's not going to be any war. It'll be a late-night dance-off. Get ready, Stephen." –Jimmy Fallon

"A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, 'I'll kick in another million if she's willing to start early.'" –Seth Meyers

"CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain's show is taking over Piers Morgan's time slot. Anthony is a culinary expert who loves good food. His show is the highest-rated series on CNN. But let's be honest. The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian." –Craig Ferguson

April 9, 2014

"Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill." –Conan O'Brien

"The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, 'I haven't been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.'" –Conan O'Brien

"'Captain America' is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else." –Seth Meyers

"France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They're hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses." –Seth Meyers

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

"I'll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, 'Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry. I just can't print the jokes any bigger.'" –David Letterman

April 7-8, 2014

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, 'That's easy, it's in Russia now.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the NCAA men's basketball championship, President Clinton sat with President George W. Bush. In the second half, Bush tried to catch a foul ball." –David Letterman

"Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn't count this one." –David Letterman

"Last week I mentioned to folks I was retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction since I made that announcement is now I'm seeing kind of a wistful tone to my hate mail." –David Letterman

"About a year from now, I'll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages." –David Letterman

"Congratulations to the Huskies, who are the NCAA champs. There were a lot of celebrities at the game last night. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush sat together. Apparently they're becoming good friends. I smell a sitcom." –Craig Ferguson

April 4, 2014

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, 'Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Earlier today, I called the president of CBS, the guy who owns the network, Leslie Moonves, and said, 'I'm retiring.' There was a pause and then he said, 'Who is this?'" –David Letterman

"A year from now I'll be on the beach with a metal detector." –David Letterman

"Immediately after I made that call, CBS posted a guard by the office supplies." –David Letterman

"Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they're going to repeal the Internet." –Bill Maher

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher

"Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I'm sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you're never quite sure who's going to live or die. Or maybe I'm thinking of Paul Ryan's budget." –Bill Maher

"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour...And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

April 3, 2014

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a 'stinkburger' and a 'meanwich.' Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches." –Jimmy Fallon

"Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto's city council to vote 'no' on a measure to congratulate Canada's Winter Olympians. He said, 'If someone's gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, 'Been there.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, 'I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself.' So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, 'If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.'" –David Letterman

"The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh." –Seth Meyers

April 2, 2014

"The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is 'here to stay.' He added, 'because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just trygetting OUT.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear 'evitable.' What does evitable mean?" –Seth Meyers

"That's right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, 'What, it's illegal?'" –Seth Meyers

"President Clinton is here tonight to remind us about how happy we used to be." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In mere minutes, President Clinton will be sitting in the same spot once occupied by both Honey Boo Boo and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. That chair is going to be so confused." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto's city council voted on whether to name a street after Nelson Mandela and whether to congratulate Canada's Olympic athletes. Both votes passed 40-1. Can you guess who that one vote against was? Rob Ford. He now says he got the buttons confused. Come on, Toronto, how could you not re-elect this guy? He's the best. And it's Wednesday. This is the first mistake he's made all week." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 31-April 1, 2014

"The White House says it's surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months." –Jimmy Fallon

"U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, 'OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, 'window shopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin." –JimmyFallon

"The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, 'Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.'" –Seth Meyers

"The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume." –Seth Meyers

"The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like 'Goodnight Kale,' 'James and the Giant Organic Peach,' and 'The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.'" –Seth Meyers

March 27, 2014

"Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto, and last night's first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it's important to preserve the city's bus and subway stations. Then he said, 'I rely on those things. I'm way too drunk to drive myself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, 'Don't plant these where anyone can see them. They're straight from Denver. '" –Jimmy Fallon
"Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: 'Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.'" –Seth Meyers

"Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia's annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it's about as powerful as a negative Yelp review." –Seth Meyers

"After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it '2012 VP113' or 'Biden' for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama was at the Vatican today. He had his first meeting with Pope Francis. It was a casual meeting. They spoke privately for about an hour and grabbed lunch at the Cheesecake Factory." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. The president gave him seeds from the vegetable garden. The Pope said, 'Great, my favorite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

March 26, 2014

"Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea." –Conan O'Brien

"The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic. " –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile." –Conan O'Brien

"Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It's expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say 'Yes, I am 18.'" –Seth Meyers

"It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys." –David Letterman

"President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken." –David Letterman

"A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel's hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was 'Stop the gravy train.' Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 25, 2014

"President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world's biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, 'All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It's a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon

"They've kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won't be getting his G-8 jacket. He won't be getting the G-8 mug. And he's not going to get the G-8 tote bag." –David Letterman

"Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama is in China. I wonder if while she's over there she could get them to do something about those leaky cardboard takeout containers." –David Letterman

"Pope Francis called out the Mafia. He said, 'You Mafia guys are all going to hell.' It got me to thinking, who else is going to hell? What about those guys who honk the second the light turns green?" –David Letterman

"Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special 'Judge Judy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward." –Seth Meyers

March 24, 2014

"Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon

"While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship." –Conan O'Brien

"Let's talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it's like? It's like President Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman

"In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner." –David Letterman

"President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman

"When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps." –David Letterman

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with 'Meet the Press,' former President Jimmy Carter said he won't send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can't find the 'send' button on his typewriter." –Seth Meyers

March 20-21, 2014

"Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report 'news' even though they have zero information, although, it never stopped Fox News." –Bill Maher

"Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness." –Bill Maher

"First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, 'OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let's do it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, 'Almost told you so.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tackled a journalist on his way into City Hall. The craziest part of that story is that Rob Ford is still going to City Hall." –Seth Meyers

March 19, 2014

"The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts tomorrow and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win." –Jimmy Fallon

"The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada." –Jimmy Fallon

"It seems like everybody's weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift." –Jimmy Fallon
"Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga." –Seth Meyers

"The NCAA tournament tips off tomorrow. As is now the tradition, President Obama revealed his bracket picks today. He has Florida, Arizona, Louisville, and Michigan State in the final four with Michigan State beating Louisville to win it. I'd take his picks with a grain of salt. He also picked Louis Anderson to win on the reality show 'Splash.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show – 'Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

March 17-18, 2014

"A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House revealed that more than 5 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, thanks to the administration's recent push. They said, 'And if 5 million signed up, that means at least 50 million tried to sign up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

"Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place." –Seth Meyers

"Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." –Seth Meyers

"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson

"Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's 'Holy Ghost Busters.' 'Dude, Where's My Cardinal?' 'Sistine Candles.' 'Amen in Black.' 'Live and Let Diocese.' 'A Pew Good Men.' And 'How to Train Your Deacon.'" –Craig Ferguson

"In the middle of his latest speech, the president of Colombia wet his pants. I was going to show it here but it makes me sad. I mean, I thought OUR president was having trouble with leaks." –Craig Ferguson

March 14, 2014

"The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you've ever met, every place you've been, every place you're going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like…" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still 'unacceptably high.' Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's an amazing story...the plane.. something just vanished without a trace. it means it was either an act of terrorism, an accident, or it starred Collin Farrell." –Bill Maher

"There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plan went down because it was emboldened by Obama's weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia." –Bill Maher

"The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him." –Bill Maher

"Jon McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren't something we call you for as a phone-a-friend." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?" –Bill Maher

"Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him 'ambiguously gay." ... Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop." –Bill Maher

"The average American citizen – you hear the statistic all the time – works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her hair. In fact, her hair has a higher approval rating than her husband." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama added some highlights in her hair. And I know a lot of you are thinking, 'Gee, I wish this show had some highlights.'" –David Letterman

"The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don't be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino." –Seth Meyers

March 13, 2014

"The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, 'This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!' And then someone said, 'We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn't have an option for voting against the plan – it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, 'iTunes user agreement.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Washington had a big power outage. And I thought: Well, wait a minute, I think the Obama administration has been without power the entire second term." –David Letterman

"It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehner's face." –David Letterman

"As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on." –David Letterman

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

March 12, 2014

"President Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, because whenever someone visits New York the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been very tense between Russia and us recently. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year's World Cup. Or they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country." –Jimmy Fallon

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers

"It looks like Obamacare will miss its enrollment goal of 7 million people by March 31, as only 4 million have signed up so far. Republicans haven't been this excited since the invention of khakis." –Seth Meyers

"Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up." –David Letterman
"Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise." –David Letterman

"Our president has gotten so desperate that he appeared on this website Funny or Die. By the way, 'funny or die' is also the ultimatum you got from Obamacare’s death panels." –Stephen Colbert

"Now this show Obama went on, Between Two Ferns, went viral, which was all part of Obama's sinister plan, spread a virus and watch everyone scramble for signing up for health care." –Stephen Colbert

"A right wing pastor is saying that the movie "Frozen" will turn kids gay. He also warned that the movie '300' will turn right wing pastors gay." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier." –Conan O'Brien

March 11, 2014

"President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show 'Between Two Ferns.' The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show – Obamacare." –Seth Meyers

"To celebrate Shakespeare's 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, 'Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, 'But not right away. I'm still using Obama's Netflix password to watch 'House of Cards.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night 'talkathon' on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, 'a first date.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in North Korea. Of course, 'Hamlet' is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, 'Where do they come up with this stuff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama." –Conan O'Brien

"In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, 'That's crazy.' Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks." –David Letterman

"President Obama's wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term." –David Letterman
"In Denver this week they're hosting a marijuana job fair. Who will be attending? Companies that want to hire stoners and stoners who want to work. So I don't think anyone's going, really." –Craig Ferguson
"A marijuana job fair? Is TV-watching a job?" –Craig Ferguson

"No one has signed up for #Obamacare, give or take 4.2 million people." -- Stephen Colbert

March 10, 2014

Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech."

"The Conservative Political Action Conference is still going on down in Washington, D.C. And yesterday, Donald Trump was giving a speech, when he accidentally referred to former President Jimmy Carter – who's still very much alive – as 'the late, great Jimmy Carter.' Trump immediately apologized, and then said, 'He wasn't THAT great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia's space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both sides were like, 'Because we're building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The College Board says it's revamping the SAT to focus more on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: 'How much money do your parents have?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin offered some advice to President Obama regarding Vladimir Putin, saying the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke. And the most shocking part of that statement is that she considers President Obama a good guy." –Seth Meyers

"The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song 'Respect.' President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, North Korea held elections, and Kim Jon Un was reelected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits the win to his slogan: 'Vote for me or you will be murdered.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A California lawmaker is proposing stricter regulations on the doctors who prescribe medical marijuana. For example, doctors are no longer able to prescribe you pot for the medical condition: 'I Just Got Netflix.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Russian President Vladimir Putin is claiming Russia did not invade the Crimean peninsula. What are those guys, neighborhood watch? Mall cops?" –David Letterman

"President Obama is steamed about this. He got Vladimir Putin on the phone and said, 'Hello, is this Adele Dazeem?'" –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down 'meet-Russian-women.com.'" –David Letterman

"If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of al-Qaida'svideos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know that the first season is available on Netflix." –David Letterman

March 8, 2014

"Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea’s parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. 'Oh come on!' said a kid with an upcoming Geography test." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the “wrong side of history.” Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry." –Cecily Strong

'While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul criticized NSA privacy violations asking, 'Will we be like lemmings, rushing to the comfort of Big Brother’s crushing embrace?' Or will we be like Rand Paul, not quite understanding what lemmings do?'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

March 6, 2014

"An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn't agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

"The GOP is releasing short documentaries about Senate candidates to give the public a look at their personal lives. So if you're the kind of person who is excited to see documentaries about Senate candidates, ask your doctor about Zoloft." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, 'After two years, I don't give a damn.'" –Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry, secretary of state, is visiting Ukraine and today he met with Adele Dazeem." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics." –David Letterman

"If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator." –David Letterman

"Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"Obama's approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Guys Vladimir Putin Looks Like"

10. He looks like the guy at the gym who grunts too much
9. The guy at the strip club who hits on the strippers
8. The guy in the parking lot who takes up two spaces
7. The neighbor who keeps your kids' frisbee when it lands in his yard
6. Inmate 527355 at the federal penitentary in Terre Haute
5. The guy who wears leather gloves in July
4. The guy in karate class who refuses to bring it down a notch
3. The guy who slices and eats food with a pocket knife
2. The personal trainer who can get you steroids
1. The guy who hogs the mic at karaoke night

March 5, 2014

"Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China." –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Russia is denying that they censored Jared Leto's Oscar acceptance speech. Russia said they would never disrespect such a pretty girl." –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin says that the Russian troops did not invade Crimea. Really? Well, what are those guys, mall cops?" –David Letterman

"Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us." –David Letterman

"This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork." –David Letterman

"Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of fact, he was in Ukraine for a speech today. He looked out at the crowd and he said to them, 'Ich bin ein, Adele Dazeem.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He's referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, 'A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I've never had either of those things.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama's new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It's kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks." –Jimmy Fallon
"Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking." –Seth Meyers

March 4, 2014

"Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a 'thug,' and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, 'My friend here will take care of you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Welcome to the Ed Sullivan Theater, now under Russian control." –David Letterman

"Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that's good enough for me." –David Letterman

"We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I'm not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's hard to tell whether Rob Ford is mad because his face is always bright red. It doesn't change colors." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times has issued a correction to a 161-year-old article which misspelled the name of the main character from '12 Years a Slave.' The Times blamed the mistake on the newspaper's editor at the time: Thaddeus P. Travolta." –Seth Meyers

"The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror." –Stephen Colbert

March 3, 2014

"Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn't find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, 'Soon nobody will.'" –Seth Meyers

"Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. Or as John Travolta would call me, 'Jelan Fejalla.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm Conan O'Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, Kevin O. Zeme." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn't show it. And I'm going to guess they're not going to show the Tony Awards either." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is steamed. He says to Putin, 'Pull your troops out of Crimea or the U.S. will not attend the next G-8 summit.' Well, that will show him. Putin will think twice about it now. Last thing he wants to do is offend the United States so they stay home from a summit meeting." –David Letterman

"Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I'm not in the dead actors montage." –David Letterman
"The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea." –David Letterman

"Tonight we get a visit from the mayor of the great city of Toronto, Rob Ford. I feel like I've been waiting for this night my whole life." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I have a lot to ask Mayor Ford. I don't think I've had this many questions since the series finale of 'Lost.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"When Mayor Ford gets out here, distract him and I'll take his passport. And that way he never leaves us, OK?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 28-March 1, 2014

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison." –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the birth of the Tea Party. They had a big celebration and played their favorite party game: pin the blame on the darky." –Bill Maher

"Bill O'Reilly said that Michelle Obama needs to come on 'The Factor' to tell black girls to stop having sex and stop getting pregnant. Because if there's one way to reach young black girls, it's to go on Bill O'Reilly show." –Bill Maher

"President Obama this week launched a new effort to help young minority men warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age such as get high and not take school seriously – unless, of course, they definitely want to be president." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea – as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

More Political Humor:
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~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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