Updated Daily

Browse Recent Monologue Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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Sept. 7, 2010

"U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about." –Jay Leno

"A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally." –Jay Leno

"It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama's administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They'll have to lower every door knob in the place." –David Letterman

"The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn't preside over this, there's something wrong with this town." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert & Stewart Tease Possible Announcement Of 'Restoring Truthiness' Rally
Stewart Uses Jan Brewer Fiasco To Show Democrats' Midterm Challenges

Sept. 2-6, 2010

"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." –David Letterman

"At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion." –Jay Leno

"The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years." –Craig Ferguson

"The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, 'Really? Jay Leno was in prison?'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Ferguson Adds Hilarious Sound Effects To Jan Brewer's Awful Opening Debate Statement
Letterman Mocks Obama For Taking Too Much Time Off

Sept. 1, 2010

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!" –Jay Leno

"Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect." –Jay Leno

"I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats." –Jay Leno

Aug. 31, 2010

"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address"

10. "Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation"
9. "Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!"
8. "Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?"
7. "Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages"
6. "Kneel before General Zod!"
5. "Now I'd like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra"
4. "Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann"
3. "CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room"
2. "Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!"
1. "Just like most of America, I'd rather be watching 'Glee'"

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: Barney Frank Interview

Aug. 23-24, 2010

"President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up." –David Letterman

"They're vacationing at the beach. He's down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation." –David Letterman

"President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
• Stewart: FOX Failed To Mention Co-Owner Is One They Accuse Of 'Terror Funding
• Jon Stewart Finds Hypocrisy in Sarah Palin Supporting Dr. Laura
• Colbert Realizes He's Actually A Terrorist

Aug. 17, 2010

"President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president's security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't understand why the president has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He could get up to five years, though that's very unlikely. He'll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He'd look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Wall Street Journal, there is a growing movement among Democrats to replace Joe Biden as VP with Hillary Clinton in 2012. Do you realize that if that happens, for the first time Hillary will be directly under a president." –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
• Jon Stewart Fights Terror Babies With Hero Babies
• Colbert Report: Fox News and the Republican Party Make It Official

Aug. 13-16, 2010

"President Obama had a 24-hour vacation on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Some Republicans are attacking him for not staying longer. They have a point. President Bush used to vacation for weeks at a time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was there to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for." –Jay Leno

"According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won't be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club." –Jay Leno

"President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won't meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem." –Jay Leno

"The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States." –Jay Leno

"In 'The Expendables,' Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood." –Craig Ferguson

"Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor." –Craig Ferguson

"When Schwarzenegger heard the title 'The Expendables,' he thought it was in reference to California's teachers." –Craig Ferguson

"Al-Jazeera's English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, 'Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
• Jon Stewart Rips Fox News for Contradictory Statements on Ground Zero Mosque
• Colbert: America 'The Straight Meat in a Big Gay Sandwich'

Aug. 11, 2010

"Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can't honeymoon in Arizona." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating." –Jay Leno

"Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles." –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
• Stewart Exposes GOP Hypocrisy: Extending Bush Tax Cuts Won't Lower Deficit
• Colbert On Gingrich: 'Do As I Say, Not Who I Do'

Aug. 10, 2010

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That's an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise." –Jay Leno

"Plans are being finalized for Mexico's bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that's just in Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn't he?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
• Jon Stewart Takes on Ground Zero Mosque Critics
• Colbert Report: Alpha Dog of the Week: Steven Slater

Aug. 6, 2010

"I thought this guy (Levi Johnston) was a weasel. Did you hear the latest? He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom." —Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

"People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it." —Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren." –Jay Leno

"It's a big week for gays. There's the gay conservatives thing happening, Prop 8 was overturned, and the movie 'Step Up 3-D' is coming out." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone. Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people. " –Jimmy Fallon

"You know those controversial TSA full-body scanners? Well, they're coming to airports here in New York next month. Great. Normally I take a Xanax before I fly, now I have to take a Viagra." –Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 5, 2010

"It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of 'Glee,' so they had to wait. " –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to 'The View' as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

"Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president had dinner with Oprah in Chicago. Even Justin Bieber doesn't get to do that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A judge in California overturned the state's gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though — he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving. " –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It'll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the Salahis…" –Jimmy Fallon

"In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout. " –Jay Leno

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Californiagaytion
Colbert Unveils Master Plan to 'Ruin' Gay Marriage

Aug. 4, 2010

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule." –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP says they've been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of 'We Are the World.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. ... Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

"Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That's always the deal breaker, isn't it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol." –Jay Leno

"How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend." –Jay Leno

"The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some." –Jay Leno

"Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it's like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder." –Jay Leno

"How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single 'Terminator' movie." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fundraising." –Jay Leno

"Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don't want it o happen there." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back." –David Letterman

"The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating." –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they're not getting back together. Boy, I didn't see that coming.” -David Letterman

"A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy." –Craig Ferguson

"Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Sent troops to invade a Cold Stone Creamery
9. Read details of his surprise party on WikiLeaks
8. Got a new fake birth certificate he wanted
7. Read 'Eat Pray Love' and bawled his eyes out
6. Asked birthday party magician if he could make Sarah Palin disappear
5. Fist-bumped with Snooki and The Situation
4. Went to Pizzeria Uno for their 'Shrimp & Crab Fun-Doo' with the guys from NORAD
3. Flew Air Force One to Party Depot to buy helium balloons
2. Sat alone watching 'Real Housewives' marathon on Bravo
1. Stuffed Tony Hayward full of nickels and beat him like a pinata

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on Killing of 9/11 Bill: 'I Give Up'
Colbert: Go Vote for Basil Marceaux.com, Tennessee! Do It!

Aug. 3, 2010

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They're also hosting the Al Gore divorce." –David Letterman

"Apparently Bill Clinton -- you all remember Bubba -- you know he was an emotional guy. He broke down twice at the wedding. Once during the wedding vows he broke down, started to cry. And then later when they ran out of buffalo wings." –David Letterman

"Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. " –David Letterman

"It's President Obama's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Take son Palin's 'Mama Grizzly' Coalition
Jon Stewart on Calls to Repeal the 14th Amendment and the Threat of Anchor Babies

Aug. 2, 2010

"Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there." –Jay Leno

"Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, 'Don't worry, all three murderers are American citizens.'" –Jay Leno

"Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant." –Jay Leno

"Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It’s time to start investigating the ethics panel." –Jay Leno

"Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' was arrested for punching a cop. President Obama stepped in. He invited them both to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises At Chelsea Clinton's Wedding"
 
10. Rehearsal dinner held at the Rhinebeck Denny's
9. Al Gore kept asking bridesmaids for massage
8. Cash gifts went to pay Hillary's campaign debt
7. Due to double booking, reception shared space with Benjy Rosenthal Bar Mitzvah
6. Snooki punched the DJ
5. Minister and rabbi told hilarious story about the time they walked into a bar
4. Roger Clinton was working as the bartender
3. Ceremony was so expensive, President Obama offered a government bailout — We'll be right back with jaywalking, folks!
2. Madeleine Albright can open a Heineken bottle with her thighs
1. Bill Clinton is still at the bachelor party

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart on the Coverage of Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
Stephen Colbert Realizes He Might Be Gay

July 29, 2010

“President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?” -David Letterman

“Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.” -David Letterman

“A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.” -David Letterman

"Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes." –David Letterman

"Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he had a good time on 'The View,' and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

“Whiny Tony Hayward -- you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy -- he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.” -Jay Leno

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota's crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, 'Good to be back.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart To Media: 'Nothing Obama Does Will Ever Make You F**king Happy'

July 28, 2010

"President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works." –Jay Leno

"With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'" –Jay Leno

"Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent." –Jay Leno

"Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?" –David Letterman

"A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'" –Craig Ferguson

"BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on 'The View.' Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote
6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge
3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

July 27, 2010

"President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original." –Jay Leno

"BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent." –Jay Leno

"An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'" –Jay Leno

"Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?" –David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet." –David Letterman

"King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage." –David Letterman

"King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters." –David Letterman

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, 'This is my longest vacation ever,' and voters were like, 'Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The Leaked Government Documents"

10. Revealed secret recipe for Ayman Al-Zawahiri's 'Easy Cheesy Potato Casserole'
9. Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of 'Inception'
8. Outlined the Knicks' failed strategy to get LeBron
7. Terror chatter is at its lowest during 'Cake Boss'
6. Al-Qaida canceled plan to destroy Gulf of Mexico when BP beat them to it
5. Haven't found Osama's cave, but did find his 'man cave' with a sweet 65-inch flat screen
4. Despite stern memo from Kathy Mavrikakis, documents weren't printed double-sided
3. Discovered classified location of Chelsea Clinton's wedding
2. Obama and Osama almost appeared with Oprah in Tostitos Super Bowl commercial
1. Turns out the 9-year, no-end-in-sight Afghan war isn't going well

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Mocks Media For WikiLeaks Reaction
The Live Tony Hayward Cam: Colbert Tracks BP CEO's Resignation

July 26, 2010

"Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning." –Jay Leno

"Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: 'Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'" –Jay Leno

"Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota." –Jay Leno

"The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized." –David Letterman

"BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him." –David Letterman

"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked." –Craig Ferguson

"Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, 'The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'" –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle." –Craig Ferguson

"It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan." –Craig Ferguson

"There were reports over the weekend that BP's CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that's like six months." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application

10. Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs?
9. How many lies can you type per minute?
8. Do you own a lot of towels and rags?
7. On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning 'Not very much' and 10 meaning 'Not at all'?
6. What species do you most want to drive into extinction?
5. This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings?
4. Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
3. Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing?
2. By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us?
1. Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?

Late-Night TV Videos
The Daily Show Takes on the Shirley Sherrod Fiasco
Colbert Returns, Takes on Sherrod Fiasco

July 23, 2010

"A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic." –Jay Leno

"Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet." –Jimmy Fallon

July 22, 2010

"The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'" —David Letterman

"So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!" —David Letterman

"Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That's damning with faint praise, isn't it? Who the hell isn't smarter than his brother, for God's sake?" —David Letterman

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000." –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He's 175 years old today." –Jay Leno

"Have you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice?' It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later." –Jay Leno

"Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

July 21, 2010

"Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word — you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin." —David Letterman

"The CEO of British Petroleum is leaving his job. It's not official, it just leaked out." –David Letterman

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city's excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster." –David Letterman

"President Obama signed into law a sweeping financial reform. The law started out strong, but got watered down as it went through Congress. Basically, the law now says that Wall Street has to wait an hour after eating to go swimming." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control." –Jimmy Fallon

"British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn't necessary, Britain. You've already given us a huge oil painting." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong." –Jay Leno

"Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the black box used in airplanes has died. The cause of death was too many comedians saying, 'Why don't they just make the whole plane out of the black box?'" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Sarah Palin's Geograph Song: 'Nifty Fifty States'
Jimmy Kimmel: Palin's Like the 'Eskimo Don King'

July 20, 2010

"The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses." –Jay Leno

"AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting married. Just today, they were talking to Joe the Wedding Planner." –David Letterman

"They want to build a mosque near the site of the World Trade Center. If you put a mosque there, there's no way terrorists will blow it up. If I was in charge, I would put a mosque on top of every building in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they're using is childproof, so it'll never come off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, President Obama thanked the WNBA champions the Phoenix Mercury for showing his daughters that they can be athletic and still be attractive. And then Michelle Obama said, 'AHEM!'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 19, 2010

"The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in 'Wicked,' then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'That's fine, I wasn't planning on aiming that high anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp, because whenever they make s'mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the 'Iced Tea Party.'" –David Letterman

"Apparently BP's containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, 'Aren't there any more Mel Gibson tapes?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese." –Jay Leno

"All of Mel Gibson's troubles could have been avoided if he'd just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation

10. "Please, Mr. President, don't throw your butts in the pool"
9. "Sorry, sir, your iPhone has no reception"
8. "Crap, is that an oil slick?"
7. "Nothing boosts a sagging approval rating like a vacation!"
6. "Ew, it's Sen. Scott Brown"
5. "Any interest in pardoning Lindsay Lohan?"
4. "Sure is nice to get a break from all that golfing"
3. "There's nothing like a romantic stroll on the beach with your wife and 30-man Secret Service detail"
2. "Do I have to go back?"
1. "A 48-hour vacation? Bush took naps longer than that"

July 16, 2010

See Also: Top 10 Jokes About Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston

"Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can't wait to start shooting, but that's totally unrelated." –Craig Ferguson

"Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we're not sure how long either one is going to hold." –Jay Leno

"For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I'm not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4." –Jay Leno

"Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It's not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall." –Jay Leno

"Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota." –Jay Leno

"BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 15, 2010

"We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud." –Jay Leno

"Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence." –Jay Leno

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet." –Jay Leno

"Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That's how hot it was today." –Jay Leno

"Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president." –Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved three million jobs. But they said there's still more jobs that need to be saved: President Obama's, Joe Biden's, Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's…" –Jay Leno

"You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He's still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad." –David Letterman

"But the new place is beautiful. It's one of those houses that has a name. I believe it's called Rancho Impeacho." –David Letterman

"BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy." –Jimmy Fallon

"BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says." –Jimmy Fallon

"A CBS News poll found that 57 percent of Americans support Arizona's new immigration law, although if you change it from Americans to people living in America, the number drops to 2 percent." –Jimmy Fallon

July 14, 2010

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. Can you believe that? Whew! Even that German octopus couldn't have predicted this." –Jay Leno

"But here's the interesting part. They're not having sex until after they are married, that's what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they're engaged and celibate. Isn't that backwards? It's like they're sexually dyslexic." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi – his Johnston." –Jay Leno

"Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He's marrying Bristol Palin. They're getting married, that's exciting. He'll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin's pickup." –David Letterman

"Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special." –David Letterman

"Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell." –David Letterman

"At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I'd keep that a secret. You don't want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?" –Jay Leno

"Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars." –Jay Leno

"This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia." –David Letterman

"Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it." –David Letterman

"George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a 'heart.'" –Craig Ferguson

"After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row." –Jimmy Fallon

"South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they're installing robots along the U.S. border that say 'Hola.'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 13, 2010

"BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson." –Craig Ferguson

"If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher." –David Letterman

"You all know Fidel Castro. Getting to be older. He's 83. He appeared on Cuban television for the first time in four or five years, and he condemned the United States, he condemned nuclear proliferation, he condemned LeBron James. He went nuts." –David Letterman

"Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view." –David Letterman

"It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party." –David Letterman

"The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, 'Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can't get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even get Roman Polanski." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost." –Jay Leno

"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." –Jay Leno

"On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper." –Jay Leno

July 12, 2010

"I thought this was nice. Earlier today, President Obama invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"British Petroleum says that they're very happy with the new cap. And I said: 'Well, if they're happy, I'm happy. What do I care?'" –David Letterman

"How about the big spy thing here in New York. Russia gets 10 of their spies and, I think, a commie to be named later." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. He sold the apartment for $11.5 million. That is $2.5 million for the apartment and $9 million for what they found in the medicine cabinet." –David Letterman

"But it was a huge apartment — 4,000 square feet of space. No, wait a minute, that's Rush." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona." –Jay Leno

"Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they're confident." –Jay Leno

"Authorities in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia announced that a woman from a remote village turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person on the planet. So, once again, John McCain finishes second." –Jay Leno

July 7, 2010

"You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. … It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser." –Jay Leno

"While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later." –Jay Leno

"You hear about this? Michael Steele said that — well, he's in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama's war, and it was unwinnable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked." –Jay Leno

"Well, there was talk the Democrats are going to try and pass an immigration bill this year, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's kind of ironic. The only place that has an immigration plan is Mexico, and their plan is to immigrate here." –Jay Leno

Note: Most of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Rips Fox News For Their Fear Of Muslims
'Daily Show' Reunion: Colbert Welcomes Carell and Stewart

July 6, 2010

"The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down." –Jay Leno

"Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she's trying to help them recruit LeBron James." –Jay Leno

"Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we're fighting to escape British oil." –Jay Leno

"They say traces of BP's oil has started turning up in disturbing places, like congressmen's pockets." –Jay Leno

"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno

Note: Most of the late-night shows are in reruns this week

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: Fox News Is Wrong -- Just Ask The Economist I Have Tied Up
Colbert: 'Back To You, Rick Sanchez' Is The Hardest Thing To Say On CNN Without Laughing

July 1, 2010

"Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives." –David Letterman

"The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire." –David Letterman

"You know what is in the theaters right now is another movie in the 'Twilight' saga. Everybody has got 'Twilight' fever. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was in a helicopter, shooting werewolves." –David Letterman

"But all across the country, it was iPhone mania. Thousands and thousands of people lined up for the new iPhone. Meanwhile, out in Arizona, John McCain was on line for a pay phone." –David Letterman

"July 4 is my favorite holiday. No presents, no church, just a lighter and a trunk full of explosives." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a fireworks safety tip. Don't get drunk and leave bottle rockets on the grill unless you want to see your hot dogs fly, which is fun too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Larry King is leaving 'Larry King Live' this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I've never seen his feet, I don't know." –Jimmy Kimmel

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman