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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

April 23, 2014

Jon Stewart skewering Sean Hannity: "I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I'm obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can't believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this sh*t is out there -- that humanity, that our society, is still weighed down by these burdens of a seemingly more medieval time. Like your show. To see it night after night, serving up the same sh*t, my god, you're the Arby's of news."

"Evil Vladimir Putin said this about President Obama. He said, 'If I were drowning, I think President Obama would rescue me.' And I thought: Well, give that a try." –David Letterman

"Yesterday was Earth Day. And today we went right back to throwing Jamba Juice cups in the rainforest." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"China's state media has announced that its 'Cleaning the Web' Campaign has successfully shut down 110 porn websites. That's like New York City announcing that their 'Cleaning the Subway' campaign has successfully exterminated one rat." –Seth Meyers

"It's become clear to me that I've won television. You see, Jon, almost nine years ago I promised to change the world and together, I did it." –Stephen Colbert, stopping by The Daily Show to announce, in character, the real reason that he is ending his show

"Maybe ride the rails, live boxcar to boxcar, learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken." –Stephen Colbert on his plans after leaving television

More Political Humor:
Best John Oliver Quotes
Best Jimmy Fallon Quotes
Best Seth Meyers Quotes

April 22, 2014

"Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It's like lice declaring a Head Day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today is Earth Day. It's the day we celebrate the 'three Rs:' Reduce, reuse, and, uh, Retweet? I don't know." –Jimmy Fallon

"In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That's right, they're recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, 'Beat you to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Apple will recycle its used products for free. That's not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600." –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana peel in the blue trash can." –Seth Meyers

"The Christian Science Monitor is claiming 'Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she's about to be a grandmother.' And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there's a tad less sand on the beach." –Seth Meyers

"Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. He just dropped by to sign the lease." –David Letterman

"I don't know if you've heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the show sometime next year – pending the physical." –David Letterman

April 21, 2014

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he's got a catchy campaign slogan: 'Forget my first term. I was on crack.'" –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She's very excited about it. She's home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, 'There's only one way to find out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it's a girl, it'll get some of Chelsea's old hand-me-downs; and if it's a boy, it'll get some of Hillary's." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055." –Seth Meyers

"This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes." –Seth Meyers

April 14-18, 2014


"Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico. Yeah, so they're taking our jobs and our Jebs." –Conan O'Brien

"Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton. People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to run for president in 2016?" –Craig Ferguson

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of religion, the Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the Pope-mobile with him. Afterwards the Vatican told the Pope, 'That's not the kind of publicity we're looking for.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Every year, the IRS collects over $950 billion in taxes. There's more money coming at them than a stripper at Charlie Sheen's house." –Craig Ferguson

"Let's play 'How busy do accountants get on tax day'? They're busier than drug dealers at Coachella. Busier than someone doing sign language for Regis Philbin. Busier than Justin Bieber's lawyer. Busier than gossip blogs when a late-night show's host retires." –Craig Ferguson

"A new study says that an average person's chances of getting audited by the IRS is the lowest they've been since the 1980s. Don't get any ideas, Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

Note: The rest of the late-night shows are in reruns this week.

April 10-11, 2014

"A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, 'Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even Obama said, 'Thanks, Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I have a big announcement: Starting in 2015, I will be the new host of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to our pal Stephen Colbert, who will be taking over for David Letterman next year. People in the media are already talking about there being a new late-night war — and I just want to say there's not going to be any war. It'll be a late-night dance-off. Get ready, Stephen." –Jimmy Fallon

"A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, 'I'll kick in another million if she's willing to start early.'" –Seth Meyers

"CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain's show is taking over Piers Morgan's time slot. Anthony is a culinary expert who loves good food. His show is the highest-rated series on CNN. But let's be honest. The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian." –Craig Ferguson

April 9, 2014

"Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill." –Conan O'Brien

"The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, 'I haven't been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.'" –Conan O'Brien

"'Captain America' is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else." –Seth Meyers

"France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They're hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses." –Seth Meyers

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

"I'll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, 'Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry. I just can't print the jokes any bigger.'" –David Letterman

April 7-8, 2014

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, 'That's easy, it's in Russia now.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the NCAA men's basketball championship, President Clinton sat with President George W. Bush. In the second half, Bush tried to catch a foul ball." –David Letterman

"Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn't count this one." –David Letterman

"Last week I mentioned to folks I was retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction since I made that announcement is now I'm seeing kind of a wistful tone to my hate mail." –David Letterman

"About a year from now, I'll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages." –David Letterman

"Congratulations to the Huskies, who are the NCAA champs. There were a lot of celebrities at the game last night. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush sat together. Apparently they're becoming good friends. I smell a sitcom." –Craig Ferguson

April 4, 2014

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, 'Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Earlier today, I called the president of CBS, the guy who owns the network, Leslie Moonves, and said, 'I'm retiring.' There was a pause and then he said, 'Who is this?'" –David Letterman

"A year from now I'll be on the beach with a metal detector." –David Letterman

"Immediately after I made that call, CBS posted a guard by the office supplies." –David Letterman

"Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they're going to repeal the Internet." –Bill Maher

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher

"Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I'm sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you're never quite sure who's going to live or die. Or maybe I'm thinking of Paul Ryan's budget." –Bill Maher

"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour...And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

April 3, 2014

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a 'stinkburger' and a 'meanwich.' Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches." –Jimmy Fallon

"Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto's city council to vote 'no' on a measure to congratulate Canada's Winter Olympians. He said, 'If someone's gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, 'Been there.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, 'I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself.' So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, 'If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.'" –David Letterman

"The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh." –Seth Meyers

April 2, 2014

"The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is 'here to stay.' He added, 'because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just trygetting OUT.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear 'evitable.' What does evitable mean?" –Seth Meyers

"That's right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, 'What, it's illegal?'" –Seth Meyers

"President Clinton is here tonight to remind us about how happy we used to be." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In mere minutes, President Clinton will be sitting in the same spot once occupied by both Honey Boo Boo and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. That chair is going to be so confused." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto's city council voted on whether to name a street after Nelson Mandela and whether to congratulate Canada's Olympic athletes. Both votes passed 40-1. Can you guess who that one vote against was? Rob Ford. He now says he got the buttons confused. Come on, Toronto, how could you not re-elect this guy? He's the best. And it's Wednesday. This is the first mistake he's made all week." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 31-April 1, 2014

"The White House says it's surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months." –Jimmy Fallon

"U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, 'OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, 'window shopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin." –JimmyFallon

"The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, 'Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.'" –Seth Meyers

"The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume." –Seth Meyers

"The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like 'Goodnight Kale,' 'James and the Giant Organic Peach,' and 'The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.'" –Seth Meyers

March 27, 2014

"Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto, and last night's first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it's important to preserve the city's bus and subway stations. Then he said, 'I rely on those things. I'm way too drunk to drive myself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, 'Don't plant these where anyone can see them. They're straight from Denver. '" –Jimmy Fallon
 
"Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: 'Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.'" –Seth Meyers

"Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia's annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it's about as powerful as a negative Yelp review." –Seth Meyers

"After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it '2012 VP113' or 'Biden' for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama was at the Vatican today. He had his first meeting with Pope Francis. It was a casual meeting. They spoke privately for about an hour and grabbed lunch at the Cheesecake Factory." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. The president gave him seeds from the vegetable garden. The Pope said, 'Great, my favorite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

March 26, 2014

"Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea." –Conan O'Brien

"The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic. " –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile." –Conan O'Brien

"Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It's expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say 'Yes, I am 18.'" –Seth Meyers

"It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys." –David Letterman

"President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken." –David Letterman

"A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel's hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was 'Stop the gravy train.' Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 25, 2014

"President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world's biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, 'All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It's a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon

"They've kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won't be getting his G-8 jacket. He won't be getting the G-8 mug. And he's not going to get the G-8 tote bag." –David Letterman

"Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama is in China. I wonder if while she's over there she could get them to do something about those leaky cardboard takeout containers." –David Letterman

"Pope Francis called out the Mafia. He said, 'You Mafia guys are all going to hell.' It got me to thinking, who else is going to hell? What about those guys who honk the second the light turns green?" –David Letterman

"Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special 'Judge Judy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward." –Seth Meyers

March 24, 2014

"Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon

"While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship." –Conan O'Brien

"Let's talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it's like? It's like President Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman

"In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner." –David Letterman

"President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman

"When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps." –David Letterman

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with 'Meet the Press,' former President Jimmy Carter said he won't send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can't find the 'send' button on his typewriter." –Seth Meyers

March 20-21, 2014

"Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report 'news' even though they have zero information, although, it never stopped Fox News." –Bill Maher

"Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness." –Bill Maher

"First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, 'OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let's do it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, 'Almost told you so.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tackled a journalist on his way into City Hall. The craziest part of that story is that Rob Ford is still going to City Hall." –Seth Meyers

March 19, 2014

"The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts tomorrow and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win." –Jimmy Fallon

"The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada." –Jimmy Fallon

"It seems like everybody's weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift." –Jimmy Fallon
 
"Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga." –Seth Meyers

"The NCAA tournament tips off tomorrow. As is now the tradition, President Obama revealed his bracket picks today. He has Florida, Arizona, Louisville, and Michigan State in the final four with Michigan State beating Louisville to win it. I'd take his picks with a grain of salt. He also picked Louis Anderson to win on the reality show 'Splash.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show – 'Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

March 17-18, 2014

"A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House revealed that more than 5 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, thanks to the administration's recent push. They said, 'And if 5 million signed up, that means at least 50 million tried to sign up.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

"Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place." –Seth Meyers

"Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." –Seth Meyers

"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson

"Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's 'Holy Ghost Busters.' 'Dude, Where's My Cardinal?' 'Sistine Candles.' 'Amen in Black.' 'Live and Let Diocese.' 'A Pew Good Men.' And 'How to Train Your Deacon.'" –Craig Ferguson

"In the middle of his latest speech, the president of Colombia wet his pants. I was going to show it here but it makes me sad. I mean, I thought OUR president was having trouble with leaks." –Craig Ferguson

March 14, 2014

"The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you've ever met, every place you've been, every place you're going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like…" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still 'unacceptably high.' Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's an amazing story...the plane.. something just vanished without a trace. it means it was either an act of terrorism, an accident, or it starred Collin Farrell." –Bill Maher

"There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plan went down because it was emboldened by Obama's weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia." –Bill Maher

"The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him." –Bill Maher

"Jon McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren't something we call you for as a phone-a-friend." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?" –Bill Maher

"Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him 'ambiguously gay." ... Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop." –Bill Maher

"The average American citizen – you hear the statistic all the time – works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her hair. In fact, her hair has a higher approval rating than her husband." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama added some highlights in her hair. And I know a lot of you are thinking, 'Gee, I wish this show had some highlights.'" –David Letterman

"The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don't be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino." –Seth Meyers

March 13, 2014

"The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, 'This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!' And then someone said, 'We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn't have an option for voting against the plan – it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, 'iTunes user agreement.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Washington had a big power outage. And I thought: Well, wait a minute, I think the Obama administration has been without power the entire second term." –David Letterman

"It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing what John Boehner's face." –David Letterman

"As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on." –David Letterman

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

March 12, 2014

"President Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, because whenever someone visits New York the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been very tense between Russia and us recently. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year's World Cup. Or they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country." –Jimmy Fallon

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers

"It looks like Obamacare will miss its enrollment goal of 7 million people by March 31, as only 4 million have signed up so far. Republicans haven't been this excited since the invention of khakis." –Seth Meyers

"Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up." –David Letterman
 
"Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise." –David Letterman

"Our president has gotten so desperate that he appeared on this website Funny or Die. By the way, 'funny or die' is also the ultimatum you got from Obamacare’s death panels." –Stephen Colbert

"Now this show Obama went on, Between Two Ferns, went viral, which was all part of Obama's sinister plan, spread a virus and watch everyone scramble for signing up for health care." –Stephen Colbert

"A right wing pastor is saying that the movie "Frozen" will turn kids gay. He also warned that the movie '300' will turn right wing pastors gay." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier." –Conan O'Brien

March 11, 2014

"President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show 'Between Two Ferns.' The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show – Obamacare." –Seth Meyers

"To celebrate Shakespeare's 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, 'Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, 'But not right away. I'm still using Obama's Netflix password to watch 'House of Cards.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night 'talkathon' on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, 'a first date.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in North Korea. Of course, 'Hamlet' is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, 'Where do they come up with this stuff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama." –Conan O'Brien

"In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, 'That's crazy.' Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks." –David Letterman

"President Obama's wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term." –David Letterman
 
"In Denver this week they're hosting a marijuana job fair. Who will be attending? Companies that want to hire stoners and stoners who want to work. So I don't think anyone's going, really." –Craig Ferguson
 
"A marijuana job fair? Is TV-watching a job?" –Craig Ferguson

"No one has signed up for #Obamacare, give or take 4.2 million people." -- Stephen Colbert

March 10, 2014


Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech."

"The Conservative Political Action Conference is still going on down in Washington, D.C. And yesterday, Donald Trump was giving a speech, when he accidentally referred to former President Jimmy Carter – who's still very much alive – as 'the late, great Jimmy Carter.' Trump immediately apologized, and then said, 'He wasn't THAT great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia's space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both sides were like, 'Because we're building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The College Board says it's revamping the SAT to focus more on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: 'How much money do your parents have?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin offered some advice to President Obama regarding Vladimir Putin, saying the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke. And the most shocking part of that statement is that she considers President Obama a good guy." –Seth Meyers

"The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song 'Respect.' President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, North Korea held elections, and Kim Jon Un was reelected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits the win to his slogan: 'Vote for me or you will be murdered.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A California lawmaker is proposing stricter regulations on the doctors who prescribe medical marijuana. For example, doctors are no longer able to prescribe you pot for the medical condition: 'I Just Got Netflix.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Russian President Vladimir Putin is claiming Russia did not invade the Crimean peninsula. What are those guys, neighborhood watch? Mall cops?" –David Letterman

"President Obama is steamed about this. He got Vladimir Putin on the phone and said, 'Hello, is this Adele Dazeem?'" –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down 'meet-Russian-women.com.'" –David Letterman

"If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of al-Qaida'svideos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know that the first season is available on Netflix." –David Letterman

March 8, 2014

"Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea’s parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. 'Oh come on!' said a kid with an upcoming Geography test." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the “wrong side of history.” Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry." –Cecily Strong

'While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul criticized NSA privacy violations asking, 'Will we be like lemmings, rushing to the comfort of Big Brother’s crushing embrace?' Or will we be like Rand Paul, not quite understanding what lemmings do?'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

March 6, 2014

"An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn't agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

"The GOP is releasing short documentaries about Senate candidates to give the public a look at their personal lives. So if you're the kind of person who is excited to see documentaries about Senate candidates, ask your doctor about Zoloft." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, 'After two years, I don't give a damn.'" –Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry, secretary of state, is visiting Ukraine and today he met with Adele Dazeem." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics." –David Letterman

"If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator." –David Letterman

"Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"Obama's approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Guys Vladimir Putin Looks Like"


10. He looks like the guy at the gym who grunts too much
9. The guy at the strip club who hits on the strippers
8. The guy in the parking lot who takes up two spaces
7. The neighbor who keeps your kids' frisbee when it lands in his yard
6. Inmate 527355 at the federal penitentary in Terre Haute
5. The guy who wears leather gloves in July
4. The guy in karate class who refuses to bring it down a notch
3. The guy who slices and eats food with a pocket knife
2. The personal trainer who can get you steroids
1. The guy who hogs the mic at karaoke night

March 5, 2014

"Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China." –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Russia is denying that they censored Jared Leto's Oscar acceptance speech. Russia said they would never disrespect such a pretty girl." –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin says that the Russian troops did not invade Crimea. Really? Well, what are those guys, mall cops?" –David Letterman

"Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us." –David Letterman

"This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork." –David Letterman

"Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of fact, he was in Ukraine for a speech today. He looked out at the crowd and he said to them, 'Ich bin ein, Adele Dazeem.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He's referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, 'A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I've never had either of those things.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama's new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It's kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks." –Jimmy Fallon
 
"Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking." –Seth Meyers

March 4, 2014

"Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a 'thug,' and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, 'My friend here will take care of you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Welcome to the Ed Sullivan Theater, now under Russian control." –David Letterman

"Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that's good enough for me." –David Letterman

"We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I'm not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's hard to tell whether Rob Ford is mad because his face is always bright red. It doesn't change colors." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times has issued a correction to a 161-year-old article which misspelled the name of the main character from '12 Years a Slave.' The Times blamed the mistake on the newspaper's editor at the time: Thaddeus P. Travolta." –Seth Meyers

"The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror." –Stephen Colbert

March 3, 2014

"Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn't find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, 'Soon nobody will.'" –Seth Meyers

"Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. Or as John Travolta would call me, 'Jelan Fejalla.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm Conan O'Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, Kevin O. Zeme." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn't show it. And I'm going to guess they're not going to show the Tony Awards either." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is steamed. He says to Putin, 'Pull your troops out of Crimea or the U.S. will not attend the next G-8 summit.' Well, that will show him. Putin will think twice about it now. Last thing he wants to do is offend the United States so they stay home from a summit meeting." –David Letterman

"Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I'm not in the dead actors montage." –David Letterman
"The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea." –David Letterman

"Tonight we get a visit from the mayor of the great city of Toronto, Rob Ford. I feel like I've been waiting for this night my whole life." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I have a lot to ask Mayor Ford. I don't think I've had this many questions since the series finale of 'Lost.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"When Mayor Ford gets out here, distract him and I'll take his passport. And that way he never leaves us, OK?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 28-March 1, 2014

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison." –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the birth of the Tea Party. They had a big celebration and played their favorite party game: pin the blame on the darky." –Bill Maher

"Bill O'Reilly said that Michelle Obama needs to come on 'The Factor' to tell black girls to stop having sex and stop getting pregnant. Because if there's one way to reach young black girls, it's to go on Bill O'Reilly show." –Bill Maher

"President Obama this week launched a new effort to help young minority men warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age such as get high and not take school seriously – unless, of course, they definitely want to be president." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea – as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Feb. 27, 2014

"This situation in Kiev, in the Ukraine, is still a big story. They overthrew the government and then a scared President Viktor Yanukovych went on the run. Now Russia has granted protection to Yanukovych. As soon as Edward Snowden heard that, he said, 'Top bunk!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing God's work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, 'Whoa, there. Look, I'm flattered. But Obamacare, that's all you, man. Don't involve me in that mess.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie 'Gravity.' 'That's great!' said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year." –Jimmy Fallon

"How about that mess in the Ukraine, and now Viktor Yanukovych gets scared and runs. The Russians have given him asylum and they are putting troops on alert. That doesn't sound like the Russians I know." –David Letterman

"So you have Yanukovych who is disgraced and out of power. Next? 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, it's not hate. It's more of a dry hate." –David Letterman

"In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza." –Conan O'Brien

"Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that's great — finally a gay man who's not afraid to stand up and say 'I have my own clothing line.'" –Conan O'Brien

Feb. 26, 2014

"The big story right now is what's going on in the Ukraine. They've overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he's not there." –Jimmy Fallon

"Now that he's gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they've found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie." –Jimmy Fallon

"Wait, they found a hovercraft, a yacht, and a helicopter pad? I'm not sure if he was the president of the Ukraine or the president of SkyMall." –Jimmy Fallon

"With all this uncertainty in the Ukraine right now, there's talk that the country could be split into two separate countries. Which explains their new name: 'Two Kraines.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it's right there in the book of Dude-eronomy." –Conan O'Brien

"A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he'll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion." –Seth Meyers

"A new drug called gravel, consisting of meth, bath salts, and crack cocaine, has surfaced in the New York area. Also surfacing in the New York area: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 25, 2014

"The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona's chances of hosting the Tony Awards." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is making the rounds again. Today he did an interview with Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show. Lauer said, 'Thanks for getting up early to be with us.' Then Ford said, 'I never went to bed.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay people in Sochi." –David Letterman

"Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford." –David Letterman

"At the White House today President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had a private meeting in the Oval Office. They met for about an hour. It turns out the last five years have been a big misunderstanding. They actually agree on everything. I'm glad they cleared that up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama and Boehner talked about manufacturing, immigration, healthcare, Afghanistan, and the drought in California, among other things. An aide to speaker Boehner said they met because they believe it's important to work together on issues where they find common ground. Unfortunately, there were no issues on which they found common ground." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 24, 2014

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers

"While celebrating Canada's defeat over Sweden in men's hockey, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walked into a fire hydrant, injuring his groin. It's really saying something when this is the least embarrassing thing Rob Ford has done all year. It's almost presidential for Rob Ford."  –Seth Meyers

"A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that's all there is." –Seth Meyers

"The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men's hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president of the Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was ousted in a major uprising this weekend. This could be bad for Vladimir Putin because a lot of people think he and Yanukovych were friends. I guess that's why today Putin said, 'We weren't REAL friends. Just Facebook friends." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, 'We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anybody see the closing ceremonies of the Olympics from Sochi? I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a great job." –David Letterman

"In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi." –David Letterman

"Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin." –David Letterman

"Speaking of medals, the United States hockey team had no trouble getting through the airport metal detector." –David Letterman

"CNN is canceling Piers Morgan's talk show. Yes, it's been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn't be 'coming back.' He's been living under the desk for the last three years." –Craig Ferguson

"The Winter Olympics wrapped up in Sochi last night. So goodbye, men in leotards. We'll see you again in four years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Russians finished up with a win in their favorite sport, the biathlon. What a country. They love biathletes, but they hate bi-athletes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 21, 2014

"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christie said he's still holding out hope that he and Bruce Springsteen can be friends. In response, Springsteen was like, 'One! Two! Three! No.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon
 
"America is leading all the other countries at the Olympics in gold medals. Great, another reason for the rest of the world to hate us." –David Letterman

"Canadians are good at ice dancing. Austrians are good at skiing, of course. Americans, freestyle buffet, very good." –David Letterman

"This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own." –David Letterman

Feb. 20, 2014

"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security's very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, 'Who's that guy groping Fallon?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday, President Obama hosted a White House screening of the new movie 'The Monuments Men.' Or as Biden called it, 'NOT 'The Lego Movie.''" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they'd love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday at the Olympics, a snowboarder who was raised in America won a gold medal for Russia. So congratulations to Edward Snowden." –Conan O'Brien

"The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

"The Russians were supposed to do well in men's and women's hockey. Now they've both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They're gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner." –David Letterman

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson

"A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party." –Craig Ferguson

"A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages." –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 19, 2014

"The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn't properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, 'I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A team of military researchers is developing a pizza that can stay edible forthree years. It's been a weird couple of years for the military. One minute you're hunting Osama bin Laden and the next you're trying to outsmart Papa John." –Jimmy Fallon

"A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People inRussia haven't been this depressed since last week." –Conan O'Brien

"In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is 'Vote for me and then vote again in two months.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, 'If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas.'" –David Letterman

"At the Olympics the U.S. now leads the total medal count with 23. That's important because the country with the most medals at the end of the Olympics gets the best parking spot at the United Nations for the next two years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's bad blood in the world of Olympic ice dancing. The Canadian team won the silver medal, but they're upset because their Russian coach also coaches the American team that won the gold medal. The top two teams have the same coach. How isthat possible? How does that coach give a pep talk?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Canadians say their coach gave the American team preferential treatment. They say they complained about this several times but to no avail. I don't know much about ice dancing so this might sound crazy, but maybe get a different coach. Or does that break some ice dancing code of honor?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 18, 2014

"The Olympics are winding down in Sochi, and the Russian Olympic Committee says one of the giant Olympic rings that malfunctioned during the opening ceremony will be working for the closing ceremony. So it looks like Russia will be ready for the start of the Winter Olympics by the END of the Winter Olympics." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some critics are saying the U.S. and Canadian women's hockey teams are so good that it's unfair to the other teams. That sounds like something my Mom said after some of my Little League games." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two former members of the Russian punk band Pussy Riot were detained by police in Sochi. If found guilty, they could be sentenced to two weeks in a Sochi hotel room." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported in the news that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of 'Game of Thrones.' You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO." –Conan O'Brien

"Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book 'Killing Jesus.' I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Are you watching the Olympics? Whenever I'm watching one of these weird events, I ask myself if this wasn't in the Olympics, would I still be watching it? And the answer is always no." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The one-man luge makes sense because it's just a guy on a sled and whoever goes the fastest wins. But what doesn't make sense is the two-man luge. There's only room for one man on the luge. The other guy has to lay on top of him. It's a bunk bed but without the second bed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"What's the point to two men for a luge event? Why not three or four? Why not stack them up? Imagine 15 guys piled up." –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 17, 2014

"Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' This is the first 'Tonight Show' broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I'm Jimmy Fallon and I'll be your host . . . for now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, I wouldn't be here tonight if it weren't for the previous 'Tonight Show' hosts, so I want to say 'thank you' to Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno. Amazing lineage." –Jimmy Fallon

"I had a great childhood, but if you'd told me when I was a kid that after graduating high school, I'd get to be on 'Saturday Night Live' and eventually I'd be the host of 'The Tonight Show,' I'd have said, 'I graduated high school?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm a proud, proud dad, and speaking of dads, I'm lucky to say my parents are here to see this, Jim and Gloria Fallon. Thank you for being here. I wish we could've gotten you better seats. But it's a very hot ticket." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. men's hockey team beat Russia on Saturday in a very dramatic shoot-out. That was exciting. The American team said they're thrilled with the win, while the Russian team is missing." Jimmy Fallon

"It happened again – today I get a call from my mom. She says, 'David, did something happen to Jay?'" –David Letterman

"Happy Presidents Day. There's a Presidents Day sale here where you get 50 percent off any mattress if you can prove you're a former president." –David Letterman
 
"We're halfway through the Winter Olympics. The American speed skaters say there's a reason their times are off. They're blaming it on their suits, and I thought maybe I should do that. It was my suit." –David Letterman

"It is a day to remember all our presidents. And also to get a terrific deal on mattresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I wonder what ex-presidents do on Presidents Day. Probably have a big cookout at the ex-presidents clubhouse. Clinton, Carter, and the two Bushes all live together in a big house. Just like late-night talk-show guys live together in the late-night clubhouse. I haven't seen Leno recently, although one of his cars is still in the driveway. Maybe he's coming back." –Craig Ferguson

"Presidents Day, of course, started out as celebration of Washington's birthday. Then someone remembered it was Lincoln's birthday on the 12th. So now we celebrate Washington, Lincoln and all the other Presidents. I have no idea how this led to mattress sales. It's probably something do with Bill Clinton." - Craig Ferguson

"There is good news from Sochi. Bob Costas has defeated pink eye. He's back to anchoring the Winter Olympics. I'm surprised NBC let him come back. Usually when they replace a host, they stick with their decision." –Craig Ferguson

"I want to start by wishing everyone a happy Presidents Day because it seems like the right thing to do, even though none of you are actually presidents." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I spent my Presidents Day the same way I always do. I spent it quietly hating everyone who has the day off today." –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 13-14, 2014

"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher

"I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts." –Bill Maher

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

"In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called "a new generation Republican." Or as their known in the rest of the country, a Democrat." –Conan O'Brien

Feb. 11-12, 2014


"Norway currently leads the medal count with 12, followed by the Netherland and Canada, followed then by white-sylvania and albino-stan. The Winter Games are really the only games that to do well, you have to look exactly like the surface you're competing on." –Jon Stewart

"Yesterday Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas' eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yeah, and today police are wondering: Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" –Conan O'Brien

"The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country. So Justin Bieber is not the only pop star going downhill fast." –Conan O'Brien

"Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team." –Conan O'Brien

"It was 15 degrees cooler in Atlanta when they had the Summer Olympics than it is in Sochi where they had the Winter Olympics. It got up to 60 degrees today. It was so warm some of the people staying in the hotels thought the heat started working. But it turns out it was just the sun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Because of the warm weather, some of the ski jumpers were actually landing in puddles of water. They turned into water skiers mid-flight." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Poor Bob Costas. He hosts the prime-time portion of the Olympics for NBC. When the game started he had an infection in his eye. Then it spread to his other eye. Turned out to be a serious case of pink eye, which is a problem because Vladimir Putin now thinks his eyes are gay and wants them removed." –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 10, 2014

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien

"Before the games, a lot of people were worried that hotels in Sochi wouldn't be ready. For the most part, things seem to be working well. The only problems occur when people try to do something crazy like, you know, open a door." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, How many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"One Sochi elevator has two up buttons. If you want to go down, you have to stand on your head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a pillow shortage in Sochi too. They don't have enough pillows for the beds. How do you not foresee a demand for pillows? Although in their defense it is Russia. When you sleep wherever you happen to pass out, pillows aren't so important." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A shipment containing 5,000 containers of Greek yogurt was supposed to be delivered to the U.S. Olympic team, but the Russian government blocked it because they said they didn't fill out the required paperwork. Once again, the Russian government is doing everything they can to repress live and active cultures." –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 7, 2014

"Yep, tonight is the 969th and final episode of 'Late Night.' Or as my dad put it, 'Couldn’t make it to a thousand, huh? Quitter.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We’ve done over 10,000 monologue jokes over the last five years. And in case you missed any of them, the best way I could summarize those jokes is that Joe Biden needed Obamacare after Anthony Weiner texted Justin Bieber a picture of Chris Christie dating a Kardashian on the Jersey Shore – with Rob Ford." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see the Opening Ceremonies today...what an elaborate pageant of flamboyant costumes and choreographed dance numbers all aimed at one theme – no gays allowed." –Bill Maher

"Have you seen what's going on in the hotels in Sochi? They report that the water, if it does come out, is yellow; the toilets don't flush; they say construction workers just wander into you room, which the male figure skating team described as 'heaven.'" –Bill Maher

"They rushed to get the Olympics together there. The hotels are open but they keep finding forgotten little things like handles on the doors, showers with no curtains, floors that are missing. They say if you do fall through a missing floor, here's what you do: relax your body, remain calm and above all – try to stick the landing." –Bill Maher

"Of course, the Russians have their pride, so they are not admitting that any of this is all a big f**k up. They say this is all part of their brilliant plan to make the terrorists think that they've already bombed the place." –Bill Maher

"You gotta feel for the athletes because the events themselves are dangerous enough – flying down hills are breakneck speeds. After a grueling day of doing that, you just want to get back to your room and take a long, hot yellow shower." –Bill Maher

"They are very upfront about the fact that you should have no expectations of privacy if you go there to Sochi. The phones immediately are hacked, your computers are hacked, the rooms are bugged; one hotel – their slogan is 'we’ll leave the mic on for you.'" –Bill Maher

"Guess which state is going to be the next; it looks like, to legalize pot? It’s on the ballot and it’s looking good…Alaska! And you thought Sarah Palin didn’t make any sense now." –Bill Maher

Feb. 6, 2014

"I don't like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don't need to get fired three times. I get the hint." –Jay Leno

 "I got to tell you, the outpouring from people. It's really been touching. Today Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad." –Jay Leno

"You know, being together all these years, the staff is very close. It's kind of like graduating high school – a high school for really stupid people that have been in the same class for 22 years." –Jay Leno

"And the worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"When I started hosting, Justin Bieber wasn't even born yet. That's why we call those 'the good old days.'" –Jay Leno

"The Olympics start airing tonight on NBC. It's a big deal. NBC will finally get to show somebody who is OK with passing the torch." –Conan O'Brien

"There are 12 new events in this year's Winter Olympics, 12. The new events include women's ski jumping, luge-team relay, and finding a working toilet." –Conan O'Brien

"The Olympic torch arrived in Sochi yesterday, after going on a four-month relay around the world. That's when you know things are bad – when even the TORCH is putting off going to Russia." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons." –David Letterman

"The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people." –David Letterman

"While attempting to light the Olympic flame, Vladimir Putin's body oil caught on fire." –David Letterman

"This is the last night Jay Leno is hosting 'The Tonight Show.' Good luck, Jay. The lesson here is if you work hard and succeed, someday you will be fired." –Craig Ferguson

"That's why I'm happy right here. They can't fire you if they don't know you're on the air." –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 5, 2014

"The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise." –Jay Leno

"The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos." –Conan O'Brien

"The Russians have spent $51 billion on the Olympics – $51 billion. With that kind of money the Yankees could buy themselves a mediocre player." –David Letterman

"The Olympics are set to begin on Friday but construction crews in Sochi are still racing to complete work on everything from roads to hotels. When asked to explain the delays Vladimir Putin admitted that in retrospect it was a mistake to fire his construction foreman for being gay." –David Letterman

"The Russians are not ready. You heard it here first. They are not ready for the Olympics. You know, I'm blaming it on Obamacare." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs." –David Letterman

"The Winter Olympics start Friday. But if you want to see people flipping end-over-end in a frozen wonderland, just watch people on the East Coast try and drive to work." –Craig Ferguson

"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, ticket sales have been slow for the Olympics in Sochi, mostly because the Olympics are in Sochi." –Jimmy Kimmel

"CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, 'It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.' I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Sochi Isn't Ready For The Olympics"

10. Caterers just cancelled
9. Electronic surveillance of hotel rooms not yet installed
8. Medals will arrive in six to eight weeks
7. Don't know which currency to accept for bribes
6. Frantically reconfiguring luge to prevent contact between same-sex athletes
5. Fans encouraged to park in Armenia
4. Organizers waiting for Earth's tectonic plates to form ski mountain
3. Plenty of Bobs, no sleds
2. Putin still undecided on what shirt not to wear
1. Housed the stray dogs and neutered the athletes

Feb. 4, 2014

"People are worried that Sochi in Russia is not ready for the Olympics. They have a mall there where the only store that's currently open is a Cinnabon – or as Americans refer to it, a mall that caters to all of our needs." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is encouraging Hispanic families to read to their kids. She's also telling Asian families to ease up on the math so the rest of us can catch up." –Conan O'Brien

"With all the hoopla over the Super Bowl, did you know Sunday was Groundhog Day? What happened was the groundhog saw his shadow and then kept watching it. He thought it would be more exciting than watching that stupid Super Bowl." –Jay Leno

"In spite of being a terrible game, the Super Bowl was the most watched TV event in history. So apparently it’s true — if we do start televising executions, people will watch." –Jay Leno

"People were partying in Seattle on Sunday night after the game. They were singing, they were laughing, they were hugging complete strangers, dancing in the streets. Basically, the same thing they've done every night in Seattle since they legalized marijuana." –Jay Leno

"The Broncos got beaten really bad — and we still won't know until we find the black box exactly what went wrong." –David Letterman

"So we have the Broncos, and Jay Leno is leaving the "Tonight Show" — what a week for turnovers, huh?" –David Letterman

"Facebook is 10 years old today. You know who else is celebrating a birthday today? Eric Garcetti, the mayor of Los Angeles. Facebook and Los Angeles are very different. One was considered cool a long time ago but is still a good place to waste time with fake friends — and the other one is Facebook." –Craig Ferguson

"Actually, Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook. He was a 19-year-old student in a hoodie. Now he's a 29-year-old billionaire in a hoodie." –Jimmy Kimmel

"More than anyone, Mark Zuckerberg revolutionized the way we avoid doing work in this country." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things President Obama Would Like To Have Said To Bill O'Reilly"

10. "When do we get to the fair and balanced part?"
9. "And I thought Biden was irritating"
8. "Let's wrestle"
7. "I'm hoping the Secret Service will tase you"
6. "Just keep on ranting while I get lunch"
5. "Sorry, but Obamacare won't cover your hair replacement surgery"
4. "I hear a spot just opened up at Gitmo"
3. "Life was so much simpler back in Kenya"
2. "Life was so much simpler back in Kenya"
1. "I've seen that icy stare somewhere"

Feb. 3, 2014

"Did you all see that game yesterday? Was that the worst Super Bowl ever? It was 43 to 8. The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet was more competitive than that." –Jay Leno

"The Broncos couldn't move the ball. The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow, OJ was driving it through L.A." –Jay Leno

"While he was at the game, Governor Chris Christie was up to his old tricks. It turns out he blocked three lines at the concession stand." –Jay Leno

"On Saturday before the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning received the NFL's MVP award for the season. Yeah, unfortunately it was immediately intercepted by a Seahawk." –Conan O'Brien

"Let's talk about the big game yesterday. The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. The Broncos are blaming it on a traffic study." –David Letterman

"The final score was 43-8. At least that's what people told me when I woke up." –David Letterman

"How about that Super Bowl? Some of you may expect me to make jokes about the Broncos. I won't do that. To me it's just beating a dead horse." –Craig Ferguson

"Well done, Seattle. I think they needed this to cement their reputation. Before last night, the meanest guy from Seattle was 'Frasier.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Poor Broncos. Experts said they haven't seen something crushed like that in New Jersey since Chris Christie's beanbag chair." –Craig Ferguson

"The Broncos looked so bad, even the L.A. Lakers said, 'This is kind of embarrassing to watch.' Peyton Manning had such a bad night that Tim Tebow said, 'I could have done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"It wasn't much of a Super Bowl game. The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. You know how after the game the winning players go to Disney World? Some of the Seahawks went halfway through the third quarter." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Super Bowl was on Fox, so the traditional pre-game sit-down with President Obama went to Bill O'Reilly. The interview got off to a rocky start. O'Reilly asked Obama, 'Where you were born was football played with your feet?' And it went downhill from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the end of the interview O'Reilly said he thinks Obama's 'heart is in the right place.' What does that mean? That's basically saying that I don't think he's destroying America intentionally." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 31, 2014

"The President gave a great State of the Union address. President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats – and yet – Justin Bieber remains a free man." –Bill Maher

"One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the duck dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, 'I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation's capital.' Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country?" –Bill Maher

"It was a tough week to be black in America. Obama's speech got the lowest ratings in 15 years; a white guy won all the rap awards at the Grammys and the Real Housewives of Atlanta were found frozen to death." –Bill Maher

"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question : 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'" –Bill Maher

"It seems like every week we get introduced to some new frothing lunatic who's actually in Congress, and this week it was Michael Grimm. He's a Republican from Gold's Gym, I'm sorry Staten Island. His hobbies are lifting weights and losing his temper. He was being interviewed after the State of the Union by some reporter, and apparently got pissed off and threatned to throw the reporter off the balcony, and said to him, 'I will break you in half like a boy.' Which sounds to me more Fire Island than Staten Island." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz already is calling Obama the 'Imperial President,' which he sees as a threat to his title, 'Supreme A**hole.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If polls show we now live in an America that can accept gay marriage and legal marijuana it's time we knocked over the next social domino – puritanism - especially as it pertains to our elected leaders. Let's stop being a nation of grade school prudes about adult consensual sex and accept that politicians aren't boy scouts – that's just a costume they wear on Grindr." –Bill Maher

"House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans." –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 30, 2014

"This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn't know if she's running for president in 2016. Isn't that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she's the only one in the country who doesn't know she's running for president in 2016?" –Jay Leno

"A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on." –Jay Leno

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden was just nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. When Snowden asked where he could pick up the award, the organizers said, 'Um, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Once again, President Obama will grant an interview to a journalist from the network broadcasting the Super Bowl. The game is on Fox this year, so Bill O'Reilly will do the interview. I'm taking O'Reilly with the points." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When Sunday's Super Bowl is finished, it will be followed by the Republican rebuttal." –David Letterman

"The ratings were very low for the president's State of the Union address. I think I know why the ratings were low — because it's the State of the Union address, that's why. Next year it will be presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Pieces of Advice Rob Ford Gave to Justin Bieber"

10. In public, comport yourself with dignity
9. Admit your mistakes
8. Find a friend with common interests
7. Always turn the other cheek
6. If you fall down, get right back up
5. Trust your artistic instincts
4. Check your weight regularly
3. Keep your head up
2. Always think before you speak
1. Respect people's personal space

Jan. 29, 2014

"Last night of course was the State of the Union address, and during his speech, President Obama promised to focus on economic growth, education, and healthcare. Or as people tuning in put it, 'Oh crap, it's a rerun.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"As you know, President Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. Obama says he wants to give 'America a raise.' He's just waiting, of course, for final approval from China. As soon as they say it's OK, then we'll move ahead." –Jay Leno

"The president said that unemployment is dropping, but critics claim it doesn't include people who have left the workforce. How about people who were asked to leave the workforce like me? Are we included in that?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama asked that Americans pitch in and help those who are most down on their luck — like the Lakers. I think he mentioned them by name." –Jay Leno

"It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years." –Jay Leno

"At last night's State of the Union address, President Obama renewed his call for a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Yeah, that was popular. Even more popular, though, was his roadblock to citizenship for Justin Bieber. That went over huge." –Conan O'Brien

"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." –Conan O'Brien

"How many of you folks watched the State of the Union speech last night? How many of you watched just for the commercials?" –David Letterman

"Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union." –David Letterman

"Oprah Winfrey is 60 years old today. All federal offices and banks are closed." –David Letterman

"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch." –David Letterman

"Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He's become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music." –Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way, when you have Justin Bieber and Rob Ford in the same place, it's like Gotham City getting attacked by the Joker and the Penguin at once." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 28, 2014

"Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. Or, as Fox News called it, ‘Lame Duck Dynasty.’" –Jay Leno

"In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different." –Jay Leno

"This was a very important speech for the president tonight and he gave it at a time when he’s losing support from his own party. In fact, congressional Democrats were warned tonight that if they didn’t applaud the president’s speech, he would go out and campaign for them." –Jay Leno

"Iran says they want to encourage more tourism from the United States. They might want to change that ‘Death to America’ slogan. A lot of families are not comfortable with that." –Jay Leno

"The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there.’" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, that Fort Lee mayor should feel right at home in Congress – you know, since they’re a bunch of gridlocked people who are angry with the guy in front of them." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. You know, just like I still ‘don’t know’ if I’ll have a beer on St. Patrick’s Day." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama’s chief speechwriter said the president started working on his State of the Union address around Thanksgiving. In a related story today, Joe Biden finished GIVING a speech he started around Thanksgiving." –Conan O’Brien

"It’s tradition that one cabinet member does not attend the State of the Union address and is kept in a secret, undisclosed location. So this year the cabinet member will be on a prime-time show on NBC." –Conan O’Brien

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back." –Conan O’Brien

"The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they’re having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can’t expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?" –David Letterman

"In Vatican Square the Pope comes out and he has kids release doves of peace. And then some sort of angry bird of prey swooped down and killed the doves. On the Vatican press release, all they said was ‘Bummer.’" –David Letterman

"You see president’s State of the Union address earlier tonight? Oh man, it’s the last pointless event until the Super Bowl." –David Letterman

"The big TV event tonight — not too many people want to watch but it’s on every channel so we do anyway — is the president’s annual State of the Union address." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The first address broadcast live on TV by a president was given by Harry Truman in 1947, and since then it’s really just an annual competition between Democrats and Republicans who see who can fake clap the loudest." –Jimmy Kimmel

A petition on the WhiteHouse.gov website asks the U.S. to deport Justin Bieber. If they get 100,000 signatures, the White House has to respond. They already have 87,000. The Canadian military is scrambling jets and mobilizing troops along the border to make sure this doesn’t happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 23-27, 2014

"After the president's State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, 'Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I'm wrong is a holiday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow night, President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address. Aides say he won't mention the war on drugs because he's still not sure which side he's on." –Jay Leno

"The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. How about that? The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced today that America's No. 1 domestic terrorist has been apprehended. They finally arrested Justin Bieber, ladies and gentlemen. He is in custody. We don't have to live in fear anymore." –Jay Leno

"This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane." –Jay Leno

"They say the threat of terrorism at the Sochi winter games is very high right now and it's pretty scary. In fact, it's so dangerous over there right now that today NBC asked me to go as a correspondent." –Jay Leno

"MSNBC has come under fire for creating its own Chris Christie attack ad. However, later it turned out to be just an ad for Jenny Craig." –Conan O'Brien

"We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest – you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second." –Jimmy Fallon

"Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida for drag racing. There are so many questions I have, what is wrong with this kid? Why drag racing? What was he doing in Florida? And where is George Zimmerman when you need him?" –Bill Maher

Jan. 22, 2014

"President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target's job." –Jay Leno

"According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting our West Coast. Can't we make anything in this country anymore?" –Jay Leno

"Here's something I find hard to believe. Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad are you doing in the polls when you start saying to yourself, 'What would Anthony Weiner do now?'" –Jay Leno

"Target just announced that it is dropping health insurance for part-time employees and they're blaming it on Obamacare. I guess now if Target employees need to pay for healthcare, they'll just have to use their customers' credit cards." –Jimmy Fallon

"The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don't even have American smog anymore." –Conan O'Brien

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy." –Conan O'Brien

"Meteorologists say New York City is experiencing 'blizzard-like conditions.' I'm no expert, but by gosh, isn't that a blizzard? There are no snow plows in the city. They couldn't get across the George Washington Bridge." –David Letterman

Jan. 21, 2014

"President Obama is getting serious about this NSA spying scandal. He told the nation that the NSA will not be used 'for the purpose of suppressing or burdening criticism or dissent.' You see, that's what the IRS is for. That's their job." –Jay Leno

"We are so lucky to live here in California with a huge snowstorm back east. Actually, Governor Chris Christie is very happy about this weather. He's got something else to blame the road closures on." –Jay Leno

"Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn't like. When asked what he did, Lewis said 'a sit-up.'" –Conan O'Brien

"France's first lady is suffering from extreme fatigue after learning of her husband's affair with an actress. I don't know why she's tired. He's the one juggling two women." –Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today Governor Chris Christie was re-inaugurated. It was a beautiful ceremony. They even had that phony sign language guy. When Governor Christie was sworn in, he put his right hand on a menu. Immediately following the ceremony, Christie closed the Holland Tunnel." –David Letterman

"Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it's 14 hours long. You know it's bad when your movie is so long even Franklin Roosevelt would have stood up and walked out." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, 14 hours about President Roosevelt. Which sounds like too much until you realize there's been over 30 hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo." –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 16-20, 2014

"Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, 'Pray for us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Beyoncé performed at Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party on Saturday night. Yeah, because there's no easier way for a woman to turn 50 than having to spend your party looking at Beyoncé." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party supposedly went all the way until 2 a.m. on Saturday. Which explains why on Sunday, Barack expanded healthcare to include Gatorade and Tylenol." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he's the Pope. He has to believe in miracles." –Jay Leno

"Health authorities say they're seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That's great news, huh? We finally get healthcare and now we've got diseases you can't treat." –Jay Leno

"Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. In fact, a recent poll shows that most pot smokers couldn't care less." –Jay Leno

Jan. 15, 2014

"A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an affair. Or as Chris Christie's interns put, 'No it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this Bridgegate scandal. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview that just came out, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized." –Conan O'Brien

"Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto." –Conan O'Brien on the egging attack on Bieber's neighbor's house

Jan. 14, 2014

"The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work." –Jay Leno

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Governor Christie said he wants to do all he can to keep people from leaving New Jersey. That's why he closed the bridge. He was trying to do some good." –Jay Leno

"It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, 'You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama will visit Pope Francis. The president said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the one old white guy who's not bashing Obamacare.'" Conan O'Brien
 
"The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that more than half of the people who have signed up for Obamacare are older than 45. Which is no big deal until you find out they were 25 when they first tried to log onto the website." –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 13, 2014

"People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane." –Conan O'Brien

"Some New Jersey Democrats have started an investigation to get Chris Christie out of the governor's mansion. And by governor's mansion they mean the White Castle at exit 8." –Conan O'Brien

"People are saying Governor Chris Christie is not fit for office. So they'll have to widen the door again." –David Letterman

"Governor Christie was asked, 'Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, 'Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it.'" –David Letterman

"We're learning more about this George Washington Bridge scandal. During the traffic jam, a two-block commute that would normally take five minutes took 45 minutes to an hour. As we call that in L.A., 'making pretty good time.' We would kill for that on the 405 Freeway." –Jay Leno

"In the wake of this embarrassing scandal, Governor Chris Christie has fired the person responsible. To which President Obama said: 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"Did you all watch the Golden Globes last night? The big winner was 'American Hustle,' a film about the marketing of Obamacare." –Jay Leno
 
"People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, 'Hey, wanna trade scandals?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow Chris Christie is expected to unveil his agenda for this year. When asked what he's planning for next year, Christie said, 'I'll close that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, French President Francois Hollande had an affair with a younger woman. When asked about it, he said, 'At least I did not eat pizza with a knife and fork!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 10, 2014

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under." –Jimmy Fallon

"I had trouble getting out here. The darnedest thing happened. We have a hallway that leads out here to the stage and I couldn't get through because Chris Christie had it shut down." –David Letterman

"We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge!" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare." –Jay Leno
 
"During his press conference about the traffic scandal, Christie said he was stunned by the 'abject stupidity.' And this is a guy wants to be president? Wait until he gets to Washington. It's a whole new level." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama laid out plans for creating what he called 'promise zones' all across the county – spots that will receive extra financial and economic attention from the government. Don't confuse those areas with the rest of the country. Those are 'broken promise' zones." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has launched a preliminary search for the location of his presidential library. Members of his team are pushing for his birthplace. But I'm thinking Kenya is a bit too far." –Craig Ferguson

Jan. 9, 2014

"Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie held a press conference today to address the bridge scandal. He insisted that he is not a bully – and he will sit on anyone who says otherwise." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama gave photographers a rare chance to take pictures of his weekly lunch with Joe Biden. Then Biden told his friends, 'Told you I knew the president.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it." –Jay Leno

"Somebody at Governor Christie's office was involved in a traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge. It clogged up a major artery, causing a huge traffic jam. But Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own arteries at the time." –Jay Leno

"Pundits are saying this could hurt his 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is this: Now that Christie is denying everything he sounds even more presidential, doesn't he?" –Jay Leno

"After his denial, Christie quickly left the news conference to deal with a more personal crisis: the Velveeta cheese shortage." –Jay Leno

"In the new movie 'The Wolf of Wall Street,' they say the F-word was used a record 506 times. Thus breaking the old record of 505 times set by President Obama when he heard about Robert Gates' new book." –Jay Leno

"It's warming up a little bit here in the northeast. The polar vortex has departed. It was supposed to leave Monday night but it got stuck on the George Washington Bridge." –David Letterman

"Apparently someone in Governor Chris Christie's office closed the bridge. This is what I don't understand. You've got a major political figure and the busiest bridge in the world. Don't put anything in writing. Do what I always do when I have something top secret to discuss. I go to a bowling alley and use the pay phone." –David Letterman

"People are saying that if he let his aides close down the George Washington Bridge, Christie could be unfit for office. And I said, 'Hey, the guy could be unfit for his pants. What about that?'" –David Letterman

"It's been a lousy week for Governor Christie. I mean, first the bridge scandal and now the nationwide Velveeta shortage." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie is embroiled in a scandal involving lane closures near the George Washington Bridge. The scandal could damage Christie's chances of getting nominated for president in 2016, but he'll probably bounce back. He seems like a pretty bouncy person." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Iran is encouraging families to have more children to boost the population. They have a plan to give a gold coin to any family that has a baby. Maybe we should send Dennis Rodman and his squad of former NBA players straight from North Korea over there. They'll get that birthrate up in no time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now Iran's population is around 80 million. Their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. If he wants more pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 8, 2014

"Chris Christie was having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee Jersey, so he closed down the George Washington Bridge. It was traffic snarled up for hundreds of miles, day after day. I'm telling you, this guy, you can't say power hungry without hungry." –David Letterman

"How petty, he's having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee, closes down the George Washington Bridge. Honestly, I thought this guy was bigger than that." –David Letterman

"The president of the United States of New Jersey Chris Christie is in hot water. Ok, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off." –Stephen Colbert

"New emails link top aides in the Christie administration to a shutdown on the George Washington bridge back in September. It was traffic on a biblical scale, with New Jersey highways backed up  for days, which is slightly longer than normal." –Stephen Colbert

"Turns out that the lane closures were meant to make life hell as payback to the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, for not endorsing Christie for re-election. No word yet on what the rest of New Jersey is payback for." –Stephen Colbert

"Rest assured I'm going to go extremely easy on Christie because I'm a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply he has a bad side. All your sides are wonderful, sir." –Stephen Colbert

"Clearly, somebody is getting thrown under the bus. Fortunately for them, the bus isn't moving. It's stuck in terrible traffic." –Jon Stewart, on Chris Christie vowing to hold people in his administration responsible for the traffic scandal

"Chris Christie is being accused of getting back at a political rival by blocking access to the George Washington Bridge. Christie said, 'I never blocked access to the GWB, I blocked access to a KFC.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A member of Congress said that unemployment benefits basically pay people to not work. He said the only people who should be paid for not working are members of Congress." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's former defense secretary, Robert Gates, has written a new memoir where he says that Joe Biden has been wrong on almost every foreign policy issue in the last 40 years. He says he's awful when it comes to foreign countries. Then Biden was like, 'Is this bout the time I got lost at Epcot?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 7, 2014

"In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone – known as 'Siberia.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new international survey, among Catholics Pope Francis has an approval rating of 88 percent. That is unless he comes out with FrancisCare. Then the whole thing could plummet." –Jay Leno

"There was a nuclear meltdown in North Korea today. But enough about Dennis Rodman." –Jay Leno

"Dennis Rodman has brought some former NBA stars to North Korea. Not to promote diplomacy – to avoid child support payments." –Conan O'Brien

"Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says today's cold weather proves there's no global warming. Strictly speaking, global warming doesn't mean every day it's going to be raging hot or that every day is hotter than the year before. It's the same way that 'Celebrity Apprentice' doesn't mean you're going to see actual celebrities." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 6, 2014

"The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said that in Utah marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives." –Conan O'Brien (share this joke on Facebook)

"Tomorrow marks the one-month countdown to the Winter Olympics in Russia. Vladimir Putin said, 'Athletes, you got one month left to train — and gay athletes, one month left to stop being gay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama returned to D.C. on Saturday. But he left first lady Michelle Obama in Hawaii for a few days as part of an early birthday present. You can tell a couple has been married a while when a good birthday present is spending time apart." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor de Blasio says he wants to get rid of horse-drawn carriages in Central Park, saying they are inhumane. Meanwhile, thousands of unemployed New Yorkers are saying, 'I'll pull the carriages. How much an hour?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The postal service is now saying that they are raising the price of a stamp from 46 cents to 49 cents. They would have made it an even 50 but that would have made the line at the post office go too fast." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actor Steven Seagal says that he is considering running for governor of Arizona. It’s looking pretty good. They said if the election were held today he would actually beat Dolph Lundgren." –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney has decided to pull out of her Senate campaign race in Wyoming — thus making her the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy." –Jay Leno

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~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

 
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