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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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See Also: The 20 Funniest Political Videos of 2009

Dec. 17, 2009

"Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama's approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House." –Jay Leno

"Remember the phrase, 'hope and change'? They amended it today. Now it's 'don't give up hope, nothing is going to change.'" –Jay Leno

"Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn't that amazing? The only two people that couldn't get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"The Obama Administration announced today that the Shinnecock Indians on Long Island will be federally recognized, which means they can now build a casino in New York City. The White House recognized them as an official tribe after meeting with the four tribal leaders, Fat Tony, Louie the Barber, Crazy Sal, and Momo Ricardo. The Gambino tribe, indigenous people to the area." –Jay Leno

"And listen to this. After one single senator, just one senator — Joe Lieberman of Connecticut — was able to block passage of the Medicare buy-in provision of that health care bill, some people are calling for the Senate to begin experimenting with a whole new way of doing business. Yeah, it's called majority rules. They're thinking of trying it to see how it works." –Jay Leno

"Well, on the news today, people are complaining that we can't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can't even find Tiger Woods in Florida." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They're going to go in there and vote." –David Letterman

"But they don't think that the health care bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I'm going too. Here's the idea. It's got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, 'Here's the deal. You send us a windmill and we'll send you Joe Lieberman.'" –David Letterman

"Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a 'bitch.' Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot." –David Letterman

"It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year's resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know what to make out of this. NASA is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. Man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? 'Come on, Barry, just pee. We got to get back to Earth, man.' 'I can't do it. Everyone is staring at me, man. Stop looking at me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama's Socialist Christmas Ornament Program

Dec. 16, 2009

"Did you hear about what happened a couple of months ago at the White House? There were some tourists taking the tour of the White House. And the next thing you know, they're invited to have breakfast with the president. So they went in and had breakfast with the president. And it turns out it was a huge mistake. They crashed breakfast with the president. And everybody was very upset, because they were supposed to crash a cabinet meeting." –David Letterman

"But the Secret Service said that the couple had been properly screened. Well, that's great. Who's screening the Secret Service? That's what I want to know!" –David Letterman

"But you know in the old days, when President Bush was down there in the White House, we didn't have security breaches. And I'll tell you why. We had 'Shotgun' Dick Cheney running things." –David Letterman

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." –David Letterman

"I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that's what happened." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

"This is the time of the year Time magazine announces their person of the year. You know who it is this year? The chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke. All right, girls, please, settle down, O.K.! He's not here, all right?" –David Letterman

"Wow, yeah. That was a big surprise. They selected Ben Bernanke as the — all right! Please! Once more and you're out of here, O.K.?" –David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You guys, listen to this. It turns out the Secret Service accidentally let another random couple into a private reception with Obama, which means at this point the White House is slightly less exclusive than the Burger King Kids Club." –Jimmy Fallon

"And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?" –Jimmy Fallon

"This morning, 'Time' magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke its 2009 Person of the Year. I'm not sure he deserves it. I think 'Time' just knows what everybody in the magazine business knows - you put Bernanke on the cover and you're going to sell some copies." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it 'won't include everything that everybody wants.' For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has written a personal letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong- Il, in an effort to improve relations. It may not work because the letter starts, 'Dear Mr. Girly Glasses.'" –Conan O'Brien

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"Well, earlier this week at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation's top Wall Street bankers face-to-face. The meeting went well, although the bankers did charge President Obama 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front. See, it costs more if you see them in person." –Jay Leno

"And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it's paying back $25 billion it borrowed. And Bank of America says they've paid back the $45 billion in taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. You'll never see it again, O.K.? It is gone. It is gone forever." –Jay Leno

"This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there." –Jay Leno

"They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's got two different women living in two different houses. Anyway, he bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to work." –Jay Leno

"President Obama — this is an odd bit of news — he is going to appear on a WWE wrestling special. Clearly, he wants another one of them peace prizes." –Craig Ferguson

"But Obama's taking this appearance seriously. He's been practicing by repeatedly hitting Joe Biden over the head with a folding chair." –Craig Ferguson

"This, by the way, is the first time a president has participated in a wrestling event, if you don't count Bill Clinton's mud wrestling fiasco towards the end of his …" –Craig Ferguson

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Slams Ingraham for Comparing Health Care Reform to the Holocaust
Stephen Colbert on Privatizing the Patriot Act

Dec. 15, 2009

"Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately, it's being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah visited the Obamas at the White House on Sunday night for her 'Christmas at the White House' special. She's actually thinking of buying the White House, and so she was scouting it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, one White House official said that the recession was over. And then, another White House official said, no, it's definitely not over. You wonder how those party crashers got in, huh?" –David Letterman

"But the White House announced that Guantanamo Bay's detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. There's like 500 terrorists and suspected terrorists and alleged terrorists down there in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. And they'll be moved now to a prison in Illinois. And I was thinking, well, this really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics." –David Letterman

"You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? She is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. Doesn't believe it is true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Maybe she really doesn't read all the newspapers." –David Letterman

"The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it's Washington, you're not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster." –Jay Leno

"Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd." –Jay Leno

"History was made this week. This weekend Houston became the city to ever elect an openly lesbian mayor. That's not the part that made history. The part that made history, finally a woman in the news not accused of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, President Obama was at a Home Depot. He said was looking for the perfect shovel to whack Joe Lieberman in the head with." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, Barack Obama hosted the first of two White House holiday parties for the press. It was a good time until Helen Thomas started hogging the karaoke machine. It was terrible. The only song she knew was 'Single Ladies.' It was really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration's first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish." –Jimmy Fallon

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Clearly, Lieberman has gone from having Joe-mentum to having Joe-mentia." –Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert: Senile Lieberman Suffering From "Joe-Mentia"
Daily Show: Economic Recovery Called on Account of Fog

Dec. 14, 2009

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, Santa's got a good way of sneaking into the White House. He's just going to go with the two party crashers. 'Ho, ho, ho! I'm on the list.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This should be interesting. President Obama announced that he will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., tomorrow to discuss energy saving techniques, although everyone expects the meeting to get a little late start after the Home Depot employee sends him to the wrong aisle. 'President meeting? That's in aisle five, I think. It might be aisle six. You know, it's not my department. I don't know.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a 'B-plus.' Then, Oprah shook her head and said, 'I didn't pay for a B-plus.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation's top Wall Street bankers. And you know, these Wall Street bankers, they just don't get it, you know? Like, they walked into the White House and said to Obama: 'You live in this dump? What is this, the guest house? Please!'" –Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them — this is true — because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn't that unbelievable? Do you realize it's harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!" –Jay Leno

"Well, in fact — if you saw it on '60 Minutes' last night — President Obama said never again will an unexpected guest sneak into the White House, so more bad news for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what's it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"How about this guy, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? He is in Milan over the weekend. He's signing autographs and somebody throws a statuette at the guy and literally breaks his face wide open. Threw a statue at the guy. And I think this hasn't happened since, well, since I hosted the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"Hit him in the face with a statuette and then he backed over a fire hydrant. Yup. And then Gillette dropped him as a sponsor." –David Letterman

"You know what is great about this country? This time of year especially, you get people like Oprah, who is powerful and an icon and an American treasure and transcends television. She's a humanitarian. And last night, she had a big Christmas special that she videotaped at the White House. And it was just tremendous. But now, she interviewed the president and already, trouble. Trouble already. I mean, the Republicans are now complaining that President Obama bowed too low to Oprah. It's just awful." –David Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show on Global Warming Conference
Colbert's Exclusive Interview With Obama
Jon Stewart Defends Hanukkah to Santa Claus

Dec. 11-12, 2009

"Yesterday, President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a swede." –Jay Leno

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"Next week, the Obama administration will host their first Hanukkah party at the White House. And according to the New York Times, a lot of people are upset, because it's a little smaller this year, and they weren't invited. They weren't invited. Hey, it's the White House. You just sneak in, okay?" –Jay Leno

"During a speech on the economy, President Obama said this week, 'We have to continue to spend our way out of the recession.' To which Nicholas Cage said, 'That's what I've been trying to do!'" –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

"The president got the Peace Prize yesterday. That was a big event yesterday in Norway. Yeah, yesterday in Norway, President Obama gave a speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize, and Will Smith was in the crowd. Did you know that? Will Smith was sitting in the crowd. Amazing. Yeah, the place was packed with Norwegians and yet somehow Obama was able to spot Will Smith." –Conan O'Brien

"The environmental summit has gone on in Copenhagen, the big UN Summit on climate change. Thank god this has taken place because I want to tell you, when the UN tackles a problem, it's gone. Adios, it's gone." –David Lettemran

"A lot of heads of state at the Copenhagen summit, and a lot of scientists, and scientists are guys that don't get out a lot. They're always staring into beakers. So when they're around other scientists, it's kind of a party, you know what I'm saying? Kind of a party. So the hottest pickup line at the Copenhagen Climate Summit is, 'Is it getting hotter, or is it just me?'" –David Lettemran

"Wait till you hear this. A new poll found that 44% of Americans would rather have Bush back as the president. The scary part is that one of those people was President Obama. He's like, 'Please, be my guest.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the Global Warming Summit, make sure to cap your emissions." –Seth Meyers

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

"A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air" –Seth Meyers

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: Sarah Palin Mocks William Shatner
SNL: Adulterers' Press Conference
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Dec. 10, 2009

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He accepted a Nobel Peace Prize in Norway. I don't want to say this Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize, and his overall performance has just won an Oscar." –Craig Ferguson

"There was a lot of controversy for President Obama in Norway, because apparently, he snubbed the Norwegian royal family. He snubbed them by canceling lunch with them. And I'm like, well don't be silly, Norwegian royal family. Even if the president doesn't invite you, just show up and crash the party. That's how we do it in America.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The peace prize was handed out in Oslo, Norway, but Oslo's been in news this week because of that big swirly thing in the sky over Oslo. Wait! Wait! Strange starlike object over Oslo, right before Obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men. Nah. No. Even MSNBC are going, 'Nah, you took it too far.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, some people say that the light was a UFO coming to welcome Obama, which is of course ridiculous. Because if it was really a UFO, they would take Joe Biden back to his home planet. 'Come on, Joe, you've bothered these people long enough. Let's go and embarrass the people of Pluto."' –Craig Ferguson

"It sure is cold. So cold that Osama bin Laden was seen hiding in the border region between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale." –David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars." –David Letterman

"Big day for President Obama. During his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech in Norway, Obama stated, 'Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.' Obama got those words from his new speechwriter, Ken Hallmark." –Jimmy Fallon

"The chairman of the Nobel committee remarked that Obama's leadership is a 'call to action,' not to be confused with Bill Clinton's leadership, which was a call to get action." –Jimmy Fallon

"The elementary school in Indonesia where President Obama went as a child, they just unveiled a statue of him as a 10-year-old. It's very realistic. In fact, today Biden spent, like, 20 minutes talking to it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The sculptor said that he worked on it for, like, two months, but after he finished the ears, the rest took, like, five minutes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Secretary Timothy Geithner confirmed today we are expected to lose $30 billion from our investment in the auto industry, to which Bernie Madoff goes, 'Hey, I could have done better than that.'" –Jay Leno

"You know, a lot of people don't understand why President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, you know something? Look around you. Our factories, peaceful. I went to the mall this week, peaceful. They had an open house near my house, not one person came in. It's a peaceful economy here." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to Time magazine, even though college degrees costs more today, they're worth less in the job market, which is hard to believe, isn't it? There's a job market?" –Jay Leno

"Senate Democrats proposed a $1.1 trillion spending bill that will provide funding for government agencies, foreign aid, and local construction projects. And also, since it's so close to Christmas, a pony!" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers." –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Obama's Nobel Speech
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Rips Glenn Beck Over His Gold Endorsements

Dec. 9, 2009

"Do you know what President Obama is doing tomorrow? And this is kind of cool, especially if you're the president. He's going to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. And as you know, the Nobel Prize is a predictor of the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I looked this up. In the history of presidents in the United States, only two have won Nobel Prizes while they were in office. The first one, of course, Woodrow Wilson, because he is the man that they credit for ending World War I; second, Theodore Roosevelt, for, what? Yes. He invented the Teddy Bear."  –David Letterman

"The Salahis — now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway."  –David Letterman

"Well, did you hear about this, ladies and gentlemen? I thought this was exciting. Our top commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, says that it's time now to get Osama bin Laden. Why not? All right."  –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been sneaking into Afghanistan from Pakistan and as a matter of fact, in Afghanistan, he lost $125 million in the casino."  –David Letterman

"You know how I warmed up today? I stayed inside and watched the coverage of the global warming conference." –Jay Leno

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" –Jay Leno

"And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, 'socialism.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a '6-year-old with a crayon could' come up with those same poll results. You know, I'll bet it's the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with." –Jay Leno

"Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." –Jay Leno

"And after a 13-year legal dispute over historical accounting mistakes by the Department of the Interior, the government has agreed to pay more than $3 billion in reparations to American Indians for the way they were treated, to which black people said, 'Hello? Civil War, hello! Slavery, we're here, anybody?'" –Jay Leno

"I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea." –Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl." –Jimmy Fallon

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president and first lady are getting criticism from the right today. I know, who could have seen this coming? But they're getting criticism because they sent out the White House holiday card, and it says, 'Season's Greetings' on it, makes no mention of Christmas, and doesn't have a passage from the Bible in it like the ones the Bushes used to send out. But actually, it does keep one beloved George Bush holiday card tradition alive, and that is the funny sound effect when you open the card. It wouldn't be Christmas without that." –Jimmy Kimmel|

Stephen Colbert on the "GOP Purity Test," which defines 10 bedrock Republican principles: "They're like the Ten Commandments, if one of the tablets said 'F' and the other said 'U.' I believe this is perfect. A party of white Christian men who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity." (Watch video clip)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many  Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Destroys the GOP Purity Test
Conan Mocks Dick Cheney's "Radical" Take On Obama

Dec. 8, 2009

"How about the couple that sneaked into the White House for the big state dinner? Now, they're going to be subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security committee. And I thought, well finally, they're being invited somewhere." –David Letterman

"But I mean honestly, you can't blame the Salahis for going where they're not invited. I mean, isn't that our foreign policy?" –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been slipping into Afghanistan. He likes to go into Afghanistan, do a little shopping, see a couple of shows, have dinner and then he goes home." –David Letterman

"Yesterday — did you hear about this? You know who Sarah Palin is? She's at a book signing and somebody heaves a tomato at her. That's not good, but at least finally she and I have something in common." –David Letterman

"You know, the global warming? They're having the big summit in Copenhagen, and it's being held this month over there in Denmark. Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is they're able to move the global warming conference outdoors." –David Letterman

"And tomorrow at the global warming conference, a Martian shows up in Copenhagen to issue the Earth a dire warning." –David Letterman

"But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That's going to cool things off a little bit." –David Letterman

"Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA's controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We've got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis." –Jay Leno

"Hey, remember that incident last week with the uninvited guests sneaking into the White House? Well, three Secret Service officers have now been put on administrative leave after that security breach. But you know something? The White House should have seen this coming. You know what those three guys were doing before White House security? Border guards. Yeah, so, they should have known." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and some crime news in Chicago. Burglars broke into the office of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Well, here's the amazing part. Prosecutors said there was still less criminal activity than when Blagojevich was there." –Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin's book, 'Going Rogue,' number one on the New York Times best-sellers. Well, sadly, Sarah Palin will never know that because, as you know, she does not read The New York Times." –Jay Leno

"And according to The Globe, Levi Johnston, you know the idiot? He's writing his memoirs. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron to help him."
"This is interesting. A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It's a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, ABC aired 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Finally aired it. It was, you know, that warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president's speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people were upset when the president postponed the Charlie Brown special. Obama himself had to deal with some tantrums when he got home. He had to give Joe Biden a timeout." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, the 'Today' show was live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head-to-head with Afghanistan's number one morning show, 'Good Morning and Death to America.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Mike Huckabee Interview
Jimmy Fallon: Rachael Maddow Discusses Palin's Book

Dec. 7, 2009

"Hey, listen to this. According to The New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers sneak into the White House have now been placed on leave. And today, the party crashers felt so bad for them, they called and said, 'Listen, we know how you can get back in.'" –Jay Leno

"Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don't think Michelle's going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer." –Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, 'Happy Holidays.' The other 78% say, 'Feliz Navidad.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Well, hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Wood's house." –David Letterman

"Tell the truth. How many of you folks are here tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater because you couldn't sneak into the White House?" –David Letterman

"Honestly, how many of you — the Salahis. They had a big state dinner for the guy and all of a sudden there's a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. 'Oh, hello. How do you do, nice to see you.' It's the Salahis — nobody knows who they are, nobody cares who they are, they weren't invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy's got to have fun! You know what I mean? What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama. Did you hear about this? He spoke at a town hall last week and a student stood up and asked him if he would consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the student's follow-up question was, 'Do you ever hear colors?'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa, a large group of people waited outside a Sarah Palin book signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The large group of people was known as the Iowa Democratic Party." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, are you guys excited about the U.N. climate change conference in Copenhagen? Yeah! Starting today, President Obama said the U.S. can reduce carbon emissions by 17 percent by the year 2020. Then he was like, 'Of course, by then, I'll be out of office, so I can promise anything I want. By 2020, a free Xbox for every man, woman and child. By 2040, a Megan Fox clone for every dude. Not my problem, call President Timberlake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Fifteen thousand people talking about climate change for two weeks. It's basically Al Gore's version of Ozzfest." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking about Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center last night, President Obama said, 'I'm the President, but he's the Boss.' And then Biden was like, 'Then who the hell is Tony Danza?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Kennedy Center Honors Security
Colbert: Air Quotes Will Fix FOX News
Letterman Takes On Tiger Woods Affairs With Several Nods To His Own Indiscretion

Dec. 4-5, 2009

"During an interview Tuesday on the 'Today' show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration's first state dinner, said the ensuing media firestorm has destroyed everything we worked for, but then they remembered they have never worked for anything." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

"Cable giant Comcast this week finalized a deal to acquire control of NBC Universal from General Electric for $6 billion. The final sticking point to the deal was GE convincing Comcast that it's still 1996." –Seth Meyers

"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." –Seth Meyers

"It was a busy night at the White House last night. And they had a big party. And during the evening, this is true, President Obama got up and danced with Santa Claus. That happened, yeah. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama dances with old man who makes kid sit on his lap.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The unemployment numbers came out and even though the unemployment rate went down slightly, seven million fewer people are employed compared to last year. The one positive outcome: seven million fewer people will be subjected to an office Christmas party this year." -Jimmy Fallon

"Oprah Winfrey will sit down with the Obamas at the White House for an Oprah prime-time Christmas special. For the taping there will be dozens of Secret Service guys, sharp shooters, bomb-sniffing dogs. And of course, Obama will have protection too." -Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Spoofs the White House Party Crashers

Dec. 3, 2009

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings? White House security." –Jay Leno

"Oh, how is this for nerve? That White House party-crashing couple refused an invitation to testify before Congress today. Unbelievable. The one thing they actually get invited to, they don't show up." –Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been reported that President Obama's speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC's new shows, 'Afghanistan's Got Talent,' 'Law & Order: Kabul,' and 'The Tonight Show With Hamid O'Karzai.'" –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Recap of the Week
Colbert Report: Recap of the Week

Dec. 2, 2009

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama last night ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable." –Jay Leno

"The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security." –Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? Get rid of the Secret Service, bring in some nightclub bouncers." –Jay Leno

"But this is serious, because that couple who crashed the White House state dinner ended up meeting the president. Did you see that? There's a photo of them meeting face-to-face with President Obama, which is amazing when you realize that even Fox News had not met face-to-face with President Obama." –Jay Leno

"And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." –Jay Leno

"I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad." –Craig Ferguson
Conan

"Last night, President Obama gave a speech at West Point. Right in the middle, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly said that President Obama's speech was 'no Gettysburg address.' When he heard this, Larry King said: 'How would you know? I don't remember seeing you there.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine plans to announce its 'Person of the Year' next week. And top contenders include President Obama and Steve Jobs. The other top contender? The one guy who still reads Time magazine." –Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting. A list of this year's 15 most commonly used words has been released. And it includes H1N1, deficit and health care. Not making the list this year, Chrysler-mania." –Conan O'Brien

"After three months of will he or won't he, the president went on all the major networks and NBC to finally reveal what he is going to do about Afghanistan. And for critics who say Americans haven't sacrificed for these wars, well, they have now. Because last night, the president's speech actually preempted the annual showing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Good grief, it's literally a war on Christmas." –Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart: Obama Is Channeling Bush
Colbert Fixes Obama's Afghanistan Speech

Dec. 1, 2009

""The Secret Service just announced that due to that couple crashing the White House state dinner last week, they will change some of their screening policies. For example, the password to get into the White House will no longer be, 'Seriously, they said we could come.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After months of deliberation, our president, President Obama, tonight revealed his much-anticipated plans for Afghanistan. Turns out he's decided to pave it over and make a Wal-Mart out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Chelsea will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Crushes Glenn Beck For Latest "Hysterical" Attack On Obama
Jon Stewart Takes on Climategate

Nov. 30, 2009

"Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest." –Jay Leno

"The man who crashed the White House state dinner, his name is Tareq Salahi. You know, just with that name alone, you think they would have strip-searched the guy." –Jay Leno

"Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress." –Jay Leno

"And at the White House state dinner the other night, Nancy Pelosi rolled her eyes and blew off a reporter when they asked her who made her gown. It was a huge deal. Not the question, the fact that Nancy Pelosi changed her facial expression." –Jay Leno

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." –Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations. Chelsea Clinton just got engaged to her longtime boyfriend. That's very exciting. And I understand Bill is already planning the bachelor party." –Jay Leno

"The official White House Christmas tree was unveiled today on the South Lawn. Actually, it turned out to be a regular tree, but it snuck in through the White House security." –Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service is in a lot of hot water after what happened. But I think give the Secret Service a break. When the Secret Service heard there was a crazy couple in White House, they just assumed it was the Bidens." –Craig Ferguson

"This Friday, the official Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list." –Conan O'Brien

"Of course you've been hearing about them, the couple who crashed the White House state dinner. They were supposed to be on 'Larry King Live' tonight, but they canceled their appearance. Apparently, they didn't feel right showing up to a place where they were actually invited." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." –Conan O'Brien

"A top Iranian official says Iran had no intention of building new nuclear facilities until they were recently criticized by the U.N. It's all a part of the country's official motto, 'Iran, we're 5 years old!'" –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Takes on the White House Party Crashers
Colbert Plays "Sanction, Bomb, Marry" With Head Of Ploughshares Fund
Bill Maher Talks Afghanistan, Banking Rates, and Tiger Woods With Jay Leno

Nov. 23, 2009

"President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Geithner is not doing a good job. But, today, God asked for his name to be taken off the bill." –Jay Leno

"The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one." –Jay Leno

"Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they're saying they really don't know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting." –Jay Leno

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10% off coupon at Wal-Mart." –Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. And the amazing thing — do you know what he's going to be doing after this? He'll be a speech therapist." –Jay Leno

"That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something, this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told him that his son was floating away in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Khalid is expected to get a tough reception here in New York City because everybody hates him. You know, why not? Here's a guy you can hate. And on top of that, he's a Red Sox fan." –David Letterman

"Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he'll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years." –David Letterman

"It's a big week for Chuck Schumer. First his birthday and then being named sexiest man alive." –David Letterman

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"John McCain, Sarah Palin's former running mate, read the Sarah Palin memoir. After 23 years of military service, five years as a prisoner of war, 22 years as a U.S. senator, I'm sure that John found Sarah's story very inspirational." –David Letterman

"A lot of people are saying that it's too soon for Sarah Palin to write a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least ten more years of inexperience." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is now available on kindle, and, coincidentally, I'm using my copy as kindling." –David Letterman

"The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin's appearance on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show.' It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin's more likable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It's like fighting over whether or not to fight." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jay Leno: Arnold Schwarzenegger's Big Announcement
Jay Leno: Arnold Schwarzenegger Interview

Nov. 20-21, 2009

"Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people." –Seth Meyers

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'" –Seth Meyers

"To help pay for the health care plan, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh, sure, I guess it is easy to tax plastic surgery when you already have movie star good looks [on screen: a photo of Reid]." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported Monday that food summit, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short -- he's a Catholic now." –Seth Meyers

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

J"This has been quite a week for Sarah Palin. She's been everywhere promoting her new book. She was on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' ABC 'World News,' 'Nightline,' Barbara Walters. Not to be outdone, next week, John McCain will be the guest corpse on 'CSI.'" –Jay Leno

"Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him." –Jay Leno

"The alleged 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is gonna be tried in New York City after all, it looks like. A lot of people saying this is too dangerous. And, of course, the big fear, he could escape by disappearing into a sea of cab drivers." –Jay Leno

"This week, Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan's traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest." –Jay Leno

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she's in the mood" –Jay Leno

"Oprah Winfrey announced she's quitting her show. Oprah's quitting. No, crazy. Yeah. This is the crazy thing. Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. That's what she said. Yeah, Oprah said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she's praying to." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. That's what the poll said. Yeah. Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs' focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. Yeah, and just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos." –Conan O'Brien

"On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

"Big night at the movies yesterday, 'New Moon' made a record $26.3 million at a midnight screening. Wow. In fact, earlier today, President Obama announced his new stimulus plan, it's called 'Twilight 3.' He's going to give that a shot." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Palin 2012 Movie Trailer
Al Gore on SNL: "I'm Going to Start Acting Crazy"
Highlight Reel of Jokes About Sarah Palin's Book

Nov. 19, 2009

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig." –David Letterman

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be." –David Letterman

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule." –David Letterman

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter." –David Letterman

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!" –David Letterman

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup." –David Letterman

"President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It's so exciting. That means we're close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden's 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn't blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out." –Jimmy Fallon

"One week 'til Thanksgiving. Very excited about that. Back in Washington, our congressional leaders all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. I read today Nancy Pelosi already taking her turkey in to have its neck tightened up." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it lost $3.8 billion this year. Here's the worst part. You know how they lost it? In the mail." –Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, 'I have never labeled myself as a politician.' At least that's what I think he said. Either that or, 'I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has lifted his ban on doing interviews with Fox News. Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, 'How do you think you're doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus ten?" –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, President Obama was in South Korea today, discussing what to do about Iran's nuclear ambitions. And he said he plans to, quote, 'indicate our seriousness to Iran.' Obama plans to indicate our seriousness by having our next message to Iran read aloud by James Earl Jones." –Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country's first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, Kellogg's announced that due to a problem at the factory this year, there's going to be a nationwide shortage of Eggo waffles. The terror alert has been raised to orange." –Conan O'Brien

"The Sarah Palin tour made its top in Noblesville, Indiana, today. Her book, 'Going Rogue,' is still at the top of Amazon's best seller list, which is rare for a work of fiction." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert On "Letterman": Obama Is The Meryl Streep Of Presidents
Stewart Enlists Wrestler To Aid 10-Year-Old Gay Rights Activist

Nov. 18, 2009

"The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he's going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting." –David Letterman

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rate is now under 50%. 'Well, welcome to the club,' I said." –David Letterman

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." –David Letterman

"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still." –David Letterman

"President Obama winding up his Asian tour this week. There's a switch. Something American in China. You never see that." –Jay Leno

"And yesterday, while speaking in Beijing at the Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to China for its economic successes. And you know something: it's amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor. It's fantastic." –Jay Leno

"And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I've got a good idea. Let's put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!" –Jay Leno

"And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare." –Jay Leno

"And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That's amazing, isn't it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous." –Jay Leno

"And the Boston Teachers Union is stopping 200 teachers from getting their bonuses for good job performance. The union says teachers, good and bad, should all get bonuses. Even the Obama Administration is calling this socialism." –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, 'magical' as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today in Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of this show. Don't worry. I got the whole night planned out. We're going to have drinks, we're going to have appetizers, and then we're going to roast a moose and split it up between us. I got the recipe out of the new Sarah Palin book." –Jimmy Kimmel|

"Sarah Palin's new book, 'Going Rogue,' came out yesterday. It's getting a lot of attention, primarily because she spends a lot of the book settling scores with the media, the political elite, she's angry at the weather for raining on her once." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And she goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, 'If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?' It's a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don't go to Sarah Palin's house for Thanksgiving dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, 'If you want something done, ask a woman.' I guess that's why she asked a woman to write the book for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He's still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches brief, just in case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. Last night, she was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama's performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, 'Oh, that's easy, F.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, 'It's magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.' When George Bush visited, he said, 'It's magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Interview With FOX News

10. First question: "Sup?"
9. Showed up wearing one of Michelle's halter tops.
8. Interview split into domestic issues, foreign affairs and one round of bare-knuckle boxing.
7. Promoted Obama's new book about his life as a sassy Alaska hockey mom.
6. Mostly about Shakira's awesome new "She Wolf" video.
5. Interviewer kept referring to "alleged President Obama."
4. Began new feud over which "Twilight" star is hunkier, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner.
3. When Titans owner Bud Adams gave everyone the finger.
2. A laughing George W. Bush called to ask, "How you liking it, sucker?"
1. Only thing they could agree on is that Glenn Beck is a load

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Explains to Conservative Pundits Why He Doesn't Like Sarah Palin
Colbert Reviews Palin's Book: A 'Steaming Pile Of Sh*t'
Stewart To Dobbs: Your Views Are 'Abhorrent And Wrong'

Nov. 17, 2009

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"And experts now say China wants a bigger role in world events. Really? What, being our landlord is not enough now?" –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." –Jay Leno

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They're touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money." –David Letterman

"Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons." –David Letterman

"Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades." –David Letterman

"You know who was on Oprah the other day was Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska. The high point was when the Governor shot a cigarette out of Oprah's mouth." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin admitted she once got a D in a college course. I looked it up. I think the course was called 'Being Vice President.'" –David Letterman

"It's a great day for America and a great day for one of our loveliest Americans, Sarah Palin. Her long-awaited book, 'Going Rogue,' hit bookstores today. Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn't understand what either one was saying. 'Did you cwy when you wost the election?' 'You betcha.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's book is supposedly full of shocking revelations. Some of it even surprised John McCain. 'I ran for president?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama's nine-day trip to Asia is in full swing. Presidential trips like this require a ton of planning. The State Department briefs the President, the Air Force clears the airspace, and the Secret Service leaves dog food out for Joe Biden. Then everybody heads out." –Craig Ferguson

"Right now President Obama is meeting with top Chinese officials. The American-Chinese relationship has changed in the past couple of years, because we used to be the world's only superpower, standing head and shoulders above other nations. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over all the other Baldwins." –Craig Ferguson

"Now things are different. The financial crisis has knocked us down a few pegs. They've got more than a billion people. If we're going to battle the Chinese for global supremacy, we're going to need a lot more octomoms." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he's known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it's like the Abbott and Costello routine. 'Sir, Hu's here.' 'Who's here to see me?' 'That's what I'm telling you. Hu.' 'What are you talking about?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

"I mean, it was all the way fine until the 34th car drove through the yellow light and left everyone else behind. It was like, 'Hey, we don't know where we're going! We're in China, man!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"71 cars. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore shed a single tear." –Jimmy Fallon

"They didn't need 71 cars. I mean, trust me. I've been to China. They could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. They got it handled over there." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, did you see guys see 'Oprah' yesterday. Sarah Palin was on it. Sarah Palin said that running for president in 2012 is not on her radar screen right now, which was really, really, really upsetting for Democrats." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's new book came out today. Well, she did 'Oprah' yesterday. She did 'GMA' this morning. Having her out on the road is a nice break if you are a moose in Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She said she was super excited to meet Oprah and also to hug a black person for the very first time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Her book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama, our president, was in Beijing today for summit meetings and Chinese food. On Saturday, he was in Japan. He met with the Japanese emperor and empress, and in doing so, upset some conservatives because he bowed when he met them. The G.O.P. said that's sends a bad message to the world, and they're demanding that next time, Obama sweep the leg." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The State Department says he was just following protocol and showing respect to local customs. It's the same reason he pulled the Canadian prime minister's jersey over his head and punched him with the one hand. They like hockey there. It's what they do." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of the people most bothered by Obama's bow was former Vice President Dick Cheney. He said no American president should bow to anyone. Dick's been unusually feisty lately. He's like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But you know, President Bush never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them and also he kissed them and then they shared a bunk bed. But that was different. That was for oil." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The President of the United States is in China tonight. This is big. The Chinese president entertained President Obama by having a military band play 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' and 'We Are The World.' What I want to know is how did the Chinese president get hold of my college record collection?" –Conan O'Brien

"This is a big deal, though. Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Experts say that the relations between the two remain icy but that Obama and Jintao get along great." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas in greeting the emperor of Japan because Obama did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end of a blind date half hug." –Conan O'Brien

"In her new book, 'Going Rogue,' Sarah Palin says she doesn't like vegetarians. Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from." –Conan O'Brien

"In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Joe Biden Interview
Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' is Going Rogue
Tonight Show: Palin Really Opens up to Oprah
Colbert Report: Obama Bows to Japanese Prime Minister

Nov. 16, 2009

"I was watching 'Oprah' on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"You know who's coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He's coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he's promoting his new book, 'Really Going Rogue.'" –David Letterman

"Khalid is looking forward to spewing his fanatical hate in court and also seeing 'Mama Mia!'" –David Letterman

"President Obama was in Japan. He made a ceremonial visit to the birthplace of Hideki Matsui." –David Letterman

"And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world's third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah." –David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, says Sarah Palin is 'great for the Republican Party.' Well yeah, that means a lot from the guy who finished fifth." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's got that book out, that 'Going Rogue.' And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don't worry, Sarah, I'm sure you'll get another opportunity." –David Letterman

"President Obama in China this week, or as they call it, the 'People's Republic of Wal-Mart.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met today with Chinese President Hu, as in 'guess Hu's got our money.' I believe that's how you say it." –Jay Leno

"And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, 'Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don't want to hear.' Then he went back to trashing Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama 'make yourself at home,' so he took over Toyota. He's running it now." –Jay Leno

"And that community organizer group, ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. And to prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices." –Jay Leno

"In what reporters are calling a very strange press conference, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine blamed his re-election loss on the fact that he has a beard. He said he believes Americans won't elect a leader with a beard. Yeah, I'll mention that to Abraham Lincoln next time I see him." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in Japan. Some people are upset that Obama bowed to the Japanese emperor. It's still better than when former President Bush high-fived the emperor and said, 'Give me some skin, Mr. Miyagi.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' 'ABC World News,' 'Nightline,' 'Sean Hannity,' and '20/20.' During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won't leave her alone." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day, Sarah Palin said she'd like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton. Now, Hillary is saying she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the Never Will Be President Cafe." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, during a town hall event in China, President Obama admitted that he's never used Twitter. Even John McCain was like, 'Get it together, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn't leave his family's front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Book

10. Cover photo is actually Tina Fey.
9. All proceeds from the book go toward a bitchin' new snowmobile.
8. Nearly had to pull out of campaign after spraining her winking muscle.
7. Not interested in politics, is interested in joining "Dancing with the Stars."
6. Includes fantasy sequence where she beats Katie Couric with her own microphone.
5. Someone's got a crush on Jon Gosselin.
4. It's a science fiction romance about moody teenage vampires.
3. Favorite website: YoubetchaTube.
2. Includes Levi Johnston centerfold.
1. Even Sarah doesn't know what Todd does

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Takes on Palin's Book
Letterman Mocks NYT For Cover Story on the World 'Douche'
Colbert Destroys R.I. Governor For Denying Gay Couples Death Rights

Nov. 13-14, 2009

"According to excerpts from Sarah Palin's memoir, 'Going Rogue,' the former vice presidential nominee says her infamous Katie Couric interview went so poorly because Couric was badgering, had a partisan agenda, and asked questions." –Seth Meyers

"Lou Dobbs announced on his CNN show thursday that he's leaving the network. What is it with CNN and run-away bags of hot air? [on screen: a picture of 'Balloon Boy's balloon" –Seth Meyers

"We're learning more and more details about the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. She told Latina magazine [that] the White House told her to paint her fingernails a neutral shade and wear small size earrings during the confirmation. But, see, that's not unusual. That's the same thing Fox tells Ryan Seacrest every week." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is gonna be on Oprah Winfrey's show on Monday. Well, not to be outdone, John McCain is going on 'The Oz' show to get a prostate exam." –Jay Leno

"Fox News made a big announcement, they announced that they are not interested in hiring outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs. Yeah, yeah. Also not interested in hiring Lou Dobbs, the band Los Lobos." –Conan O'Brien

 "In her new book, Sarah Palin claims that before John McCain chose her as his running mate, his campaign spent $50,000 on a background check. Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, we should have spent $75,000." –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, you guys, it's Friday the 13th. A lot of people are superstitious about the number 13. President Franklin Roosevelt refused to travel on the 13th of every month, would never host 13 guests at a dinner party, either. And President Bush wasn't allowed to see any movie rated PG-13." –Jimmy Fallon

"CNN announced today that political reporter John King will replace Lou Dobbs. King said, 'I'm excited to report about the political landscape, and Dobbs said, 'I am excited to report my landscaper to immigration.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear this? Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban. And out of habit, France surrendered." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, excerpts from Sarah Palin's new book are starting to leak out to the internet. There's some really shocking stuff in there, complete sentences, proper grammar, really shocking stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today happens to be Friday the 13th. In fact, this is the third Friday the 13th of 2009 already. I blame Obama for that. We never had three Friday the 13ths under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Comes Down on Obama Administration for Caving on the Public Option
SNL Skewers Lou Dobbs
 

Nov. 12, 2009

"President Obama's approval rating down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he's doing, which I think is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired." –Jay Leno

"Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, 'New York will be broke by Christmas.' Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, 'Christmas? What's your secret? How'd you last so long?'" –Jay Leno

"A middle school in North Carolina has caused some controversy, because they were offering to improve test scores for cash donations. For a $20 donation, kids could get an increase of 20 points on any test they chose. It was the 'Cash from Flunkers' program." –Jay Leno

"Remember the crazy astronaut lady who put on a diaper and drove cross country? She was in love with another astronaut. And I said to myself, well that's what happens when you mix vodka and tang." –David Letterman

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

"President Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He'll be making a trip to China. While he's there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America's money." –Conan O'Brien

"Forbes magazine just came out, and they've released a new list of the world's most powerful people. President Obama is number one. Interesting, yeah. And apparently, Oprah is pissed off." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, on 'Larry King Live' ... former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, refused to talk about her sex tape. She got angry for Larry asking what she called, 'inappropriate questions.' Yeah, apparently Larry kept asking, 'Do you want to see my sex tape?'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama left this morning on a ten day trip to Asia. He assigned his kids some important chores. He said that while he's gone, Sasha has to walk the dog, and Malia has to walk Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"When he returns, President Obama is expected to finally reveal his strategy for the war in Afghanistan. The strategy is called, 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of 'Don't ask, don't tell,' Congressman Barney Frank said yesterday that the military's 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy will be repealed next year. It's going to be replaced by the policy, 'Yeah, we knew.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Big news, Lou Dobbs announced on his show last night that he was leaving CNN. No word on where Dobbs is going to go next, but I think we can all rule out Telemundo." –Jimmy Fallon

"They're not welcome there. Dobbs said he's leaving because he wants to engage in constructive problem solving. He's already solved one problem, for CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Stewart Responds To Hannity's Apology: Nothing's Worth Sitting Through His Show
Jon Stewart Discusses Lou Dobbs's Decision To 'Go Palin'
Stephen Colbert Claims Lou Dobbs' Audience
Al Gore on 'The Tonight Show'

Nov. 11, 2009

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC." –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome to New York City, first of all, but bad news — city is broke. Yeah. No more money. And they're cutting back on garbage collection. And I want to tell you, New York City, by the way, has one of the finest collections of garbage you'll see anywhere." –David Letterman

"Cutting back, city is broke, cutting back on hospital budgets. Well, it's a good thing we've got that swine flu licked, isn't it?" –David Letterman

"And when your flight lands in the Hudson, you're on your own." –David Letterman

"I found out this by reading her memoir 'Going Rogue,' the Sarah Palin memoir, 'Going Rogue.' Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East." –David Letterman

"They have a bottle of beer that was on board the Hindenburg and it was auctioned off. You know the Hindenburg, that was the biggest thing to crash and burn in New Jersey next to the Corzine campaign." –David Letterman

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" –Jay Leno

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"A huge week for the President. Obama leaves tomorrow for a ten-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea and Japan. Meanwhile, today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at Panda Express." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama, he said that he would be happy to travel, more than happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the global climate conference, if his presence would make a difference. And then the Olympic committee was like, 'Oh, yeah, it makes a huge difference. Yeah.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Stephen Colbert Demolishes Sesame Street's Conservative Critics

Nov. 10, 2009

"CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain" –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? In a speech yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson said that New York will broke by Christmas broke unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers were like, 'Good call, let's start with the governor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"40th anniversary of 'Sesame Street.' Yeah, this is big. First Lady Michelle Obama was on 'Sesame Street' today, showing children how to plant their own healthy vegetable gardens. Isn't that nice? Yeah, then the kids said, 'Screw the vegetables,' and they barbecued Big Bird" –Conan O'Brien

"NASA's been on a campaign to ease people's fears about the end of the world in 2012. Does anybody really think this is going to happen? No, this true. NASA announced that the movie '2012' is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong. And there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that's gonna destroy it. People believe this stuff. They say the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be, I guess, Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street." –Jay Leno

"Bad news for New York. Governor Paterson, the governor of New York, announced that by the end of the year, New York City will be broke. Yep. So we're going to have to make lots of cuts. The Midtown Tunnel. That will be by appointment only. Call ahead. Let them know you're coming through. Metropolitan Museum has laid off three mummies. And the city temporarily has stopped constructing potholes" –David Letterman

"It's the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, got into trouble for making a sex tape. She’s the only one in the tape. But I think this could be innocent too — last time for the racy photos, she said the wind blew her vest open . . . so maybe the wind blew her into some sexy positions and made her do some sexy gestures." –Craig Ferguson

Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s s solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She's trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling." –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Catches Sean Hannity Falsifying Footage to Make Protest Appear Bigger
Stephen Colbert Defends Barney Frank Over Pot Bust Kerfuffle

Nov. 9, 2009

"The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it's just one step away to being defeated by the Senate." –David Letterman

"It was close, 220 yeas, 215 nays and one — you lie, you lie!" –David Letterman

"But it's a big victory for the Democrats. And today Nancy Pelosi was named MVP.'" –David Letterman

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"The Berlin Wall, very famous. That's where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, 'Ich bin ein water boarder.'" –David Letterman

"You sound like a bunch of people who heard they just got free health care." –Jay Leno

"As you know, on Saturday night the House narrowly passed the health-care bill. They said the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But — she hasn't blinked since what, '82?" –Jay Leno

"Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno

"Now it gets tricky because the bill goes to the Senate, where Senator Lindsey Graham vowed it would be dead on arrival. That's what he said. In fact, right now, Graham is leading a Southern white coalition against the bill called the Graham Crackers." –Jay Leno

"It was reported today 237 members of Congress are millionaires. Almost half of Congress are millionaires. Isn't that unbelievable? So, apparently, Congress is pretty good at managing their own money …" –Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has to protect the President now on a budget. In fact, like, after 5, you know the President just wears a life alert." –Jay Leno
"You know when you see the agents running alongside the car? That's just to save gas now." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama appears on ''Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Glenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." –Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart Mocks Use of Leis, Babies, and the Holocaust to Argue Against Health Care Reform
Lewis Black on the Swine Flu Vaccine Shortage
Colbert Report: Health Care Bill

Nov. 6, 2009

"President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy's in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, 'Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, 'He Who Cares.' Isn't that nice? That's nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, 'Big Chief Running Mouth." –Conan O'Brien

"Chrysler announced it's coming out with a new logo that's going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, 'Toyota.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Maria Shriver. Maria celebrated quietly with Governor Schwarzenegger in his lair on Skull Island." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's new book, new memoir, is coming out next month. It's called, 'Going Rogue.' Ooooh. She was like Rambo, out there on her own. Hidin' in the trees, swoopin' down on vines. Out there lookin' for bogies." –David Letterman

"She's already received ... a million dollars. ... You know what she did? She went shopping. You know where she went? Bed, Bath And You Betcha." –David Letterman

"Big day in New York for the Yankees. Ticker tape parade. Anyone here go to the parade? Mayor Bloomberg was there. He called New York City the 'Capital of Baseball.' Then he spent 85 million dollars of his own money to become the new Mayor of Baseball." –Jimmy Fallon

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL Mocks Fox News's Election Coverage
SNL: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler Rip Goldman Sachs

Nov. 5, 2009

"During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia. Did you hear about this? Embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah, then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin announced that she's gonna travel across the country on a bus to promote her new book. She'll be hard to miss 'cause it'll be the only bus on the road with a dead moose strapped on the hood." –Conan O'Brien

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"The senior citizen group AARP endorsed the Democrats' health care bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for the senior citizens group said, 'We can't wait until this bill is signed by President Harry Truman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, if you are not happy about Mayor Bloomberg being mayor, don't blame me, O.K.? If you are not happy about this, don't blame me. I voted for — well, I don't remember his name." –David Letterman

"Actually, the guy's name is Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson. Yes, Bill Thompson. Isn't that a name you get in the witness protection program?" –David Letterman
"Big new holiday movie. It's the new 'Christmas Carol,' it opens on Friday. And Dick Cheney saw it already and loved it and through the whole movie he was yelling, 'Go Scrooge, come on, Scrooge, go Scrooge!'" –David Letterman

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, a lot of people are saying these Republican victories are a backlash against Obama's policies. What policies? Don't know what the policies are." –Jay Leno

"The White House says that President Obama did not watch the election results the other night. He watched the Chicago Bulls instead. So at least one of his teams won." –Jay Leno

"Voters in Ohio approved a measure that will allow casinos in Cleveland. So now there will be another way to lose your money in Cleveland besides betting on the Browns." –Jay Leno

"During his speech in Wisconsin yesterday, President Obama explained that he was upset with his daughter, Malia, after she got a 73 on her science test. When I heard that, I was like: 'Seventy-three? I would have killed for a 73.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Later in his speech, President Obama said that the currency of today's economy is knowledge. Great, another currency where China has us beat." –Jimmy Fallon
"Al Gore was here in New York yesterday signing copies of his new book 'Our Choice' at Barnes and Noble. It was strange, Gore wouldn't write his name. He just signed each book, 'I'm sorry, tree.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company's defense, if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies would go under and the government would have to bail them out." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Jon Stewart's Hilarious Impersonation of Glenn Beck
Colbert Report: Guy-Fawkers: The Next GOP Catchphrase?

Nov. 4, 2009

"Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

"You're here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!" –David Letterman

"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers." –David Letterman

"Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all they have." –David Letterman

"Next February, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will be debate, at Radio City Music Hall. I'm looking forward to that line of high-kicking Secret Service agents." –David Letterman

"Clinton and Bush are debating, and, honestly, think about it, what is more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count, if you think about it?" –David Letterman

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." –David Letterman

"Well, the Democratic Party has a new slogan. 'What happened?'" –Jay Leno

"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing." –Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term." –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that's not playing for the Yankees?" –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. And today, Arnold Schwarzenegger said — 'You can do that? How do you do that? Why can't I do that here?'" –Jay Leno

"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. ... Tthey say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him." –Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: William Shatner Performs Poetic Reading of Levi Johnston's Tweets
Daily Show: Indecision 2009 Election Results
Daily Show: Al Gore Interview
Colbert Nation: '09 Off-Year Semi-Presidential Electferendum
Jimmy Kimmel: Big Birds Talks Michelle Obama, Snuffaluffagus, and Booze
Leno: Laura Bush Hates Tabloids, Loves How George W. Says Nuclear

Nov. 3, 2009

"A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot's happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Reporters are saying President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and now photographs show he has lost a lot of weight. Folks, if this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, 'Arrest Bush' and 'Bush is a war criminal.' Yeah. When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I kind of wish Al Gore had been with us last night to kind of help out with the audience last night because, oh, my goodness. Over the course of the show the climate went from bad to worse." –David Letterman

"Do you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? Amazing, huh? Well, actually, there's been some changes. His new slogan is now, 'Yes, we can, but don't hold your breath.'" –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Actually, the program's got kind of a catchy title. It's called 'Don't ask, don't Taliban.'" –Jay Leno

"The government says this swine flu vaccine shortage could last through December. Through December. Great. Now I'll go to the mall and see Santa sitting there with a big, red nose, probably from the flu instead of the usual alcoholism." –Jay Leno

"Now, why is there a swine flu vaccine shortage? You ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. You know, we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." –Jay Leno

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people have been noticing that President Obama is getting very skinny. Have you noticed this? And he is thin. If it wasn't for his ears he'd weigh less than 100 pounds." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Insiders say that Obama has been too busy to eat, which is a problem President Clinton never seemed to have." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Saturday night, the President and Mrs. Obama had a couple thousand kids at the White House and instead of candy, they gave out dried fruit. That's great. You go to the White House, you stand in a security line for three hours, they give you a bag of prunes?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Jon Stewart Revels in Inane Election Coverage

Nov. 2, 2009

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton.Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times." –Conan O'Brien

"They trick-or-treat down at the White House. And it's more, I guess it is more, it is more trick-or-treater friendly in this administration than it used to be the Bush-Cheney administration. Remember what happened — the trick-or-treaters would come and then Dick Cheney would turn his wolfhounds loose on the kids." –David Letterman

"But the kids coming to the White House with their hands out, I mean, and those were just the auto company executives." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg, poor guy is so exhausted. Here's what happened yesterday. Kind of an awkward moment. He is out there campaigning, so tired, here is what he did, he kissed a blintz and ate a baby." –David Letterman

"Mayor Bloomberg is running against a guy named Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson, Bill 'I'm going to vote for you' Thompson. And he has no money. His largest contribution was a generous $5 check from Regis." –David Letterman

"Well, how about those Afghanistan elections? You know, they had the first one and they thought, well, maybe something hincky with the first one. All right, if something is hincky, let's do it again. And now the opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah has dropped out of the runoff election. He got the idea from watching the Phillies during the World Series." –David Letterman

"Yeah, no runoff election in Afghanistan. Apparently a second election would be way too expensive to rig." –David Letterman

"So Abdullah Abdullah says he is pulling out because he wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah." –David Letterman

"So they've recounted all the votes from the first election in Afghanistan and congratulations to the new president, Al Franken." –David Letterman

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman
Leno

"Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" –Jay Leno

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend, we turned the clocks back. Which means Congress had yet another hour not to read the new health care bill before they signed it." –Jay Leno

"According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, 'President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.' They say he'll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting." –Jay Leno

"The only opponent to Afghan President Hamid Karzai has backed out of the planned recount. He's not going to be in the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family and not get killed." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said he's considering leasing the New Jersey Turnpike to help raise money for the state. He's going to lease out the New Jersey Turnpike. And of course, a lot of people are furious about this. Because, you know, parts of the Jersey Turnpike are considered a sacred mob burial ground." –Jay Leno

"Executives of America's 28 largest banks met with Federal Reserve supervisors to discuss and regulate the banks' pay policies, which is pretty amazing. There's still 28 banks left in this country?" –Jay Leno
Fallon

"I just love Halloween. It's the only time of the year you get to see a Ghostbuster making out with Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine flu vaccines available today. But right now, there are only 26 million. Yeah, they overshot by so much, they are all getting jobs as pilots for Northwest Airlines." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon announced today, they have given the swine flu vaccines to every detainee at Guantanamo Bay. The detainees were like, 'Hey, whatever happened to closing this place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Abdullah Abdullah just quit next week's runoff election against Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzi. Abdullah Abdullah said, he was just following in the footsteps of his role model, Palin Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Indecision 2009
Colbert Nation to Sponsor U.S. Speedskating Team in Olympics

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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