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Latest Late-Night Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

June 12, 2013

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien

"Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz." –Conan O'Brien

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien

"Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, 'You can do that, really?'" –David Letterman

"So far, it's a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive." –David Letterman

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno

"We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well." –Jimmy Fallon

More Political Humor:
• Funniest NSA Spying Memes
• Best Jon Stewart Quotes
• Best Stephen Colbert Quotes

June 11, 2013

"According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them." –Conan O'Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien

"Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it's the goodest news they have heard all year." –Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman

"I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in." –David Letterman

"Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don't care. It's like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it's just like being married." –David Letterman

"Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he's associated with the word 'patriot,' and he's being audited by the IRS." –Jay Leno

"Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in." –Jay Leno

"The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that's a debate we wouldn't have had five years ago. Five years ago? It's a debate we wouldn't have had two weeks ago if they all hadn't gotten caught." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, 'Hillary in 2016!' and 'Washington needs Hillary!' and 'Hillary for the White House!' That's not her followers. Those were her tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, 'How do you block people on this thing?'" –Jimmy Fallon

June 10, 2013

"Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to." –The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

"This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"He went to China to avoid government persecution. That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk." –Jimmy Fallon

"The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It's people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They're the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls." –David Letterman

"You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing." –David Letterman

"This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to the president's daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber's phone records." –David Letterman

"Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint." –Conan O'Brien

"The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman's dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration." –Jay Leno

"A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, 'You're being watched.' To which NBC executives said, 'Finally! We would love to be watched.'" –Jay Leno

"People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works." –Jay Leno

"Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'" –Jay Leno

June 7, 2013

"Big breaking news about something we've known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, 'The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife.'" –Bill Maher

"The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'" –Bill Maher

"Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not the fries on the way home." –Bill Maher

"Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she's tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, 'If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone.'" –Bill Maher

"The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one." –Jay Leno

"President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it's not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That's not what it's about." –Jay Leno

"The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?" –Jay Leno

"The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues." –Jay Leno

"If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don't you do that?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, 'Why, so you can read our emails faster?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word 'senior' twice. That probably explains why they didn't get into 'collage.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, 'We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, Putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. That's weird because most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to a ballet." –Jimmy Fallon

June 6, 2013

 "It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: 'They can hear you now.'" Jimmy Fallon

"The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'" –Craig Ferguson

"A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza." –Jay Leno

"When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us." –Jay Leno

"Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn't either. Sometimes it just happens." –Jay Leno

June 5, 2013

"The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, 'Hey, what about me? I didn't have my receipts.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don't we already have that? It's called the First Amendment." –Jay Leno

"According to CNN, former Sen. John Edwards is planning to open up a new law firm this back. John Edwards going back to work as an attorney. I guess he figured he was lying to much anyway, he might as well start getting paid for it." –Jay Leno
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"Last night at a fundraiser in Washington, First Lady Michele Obama got into a heated face-to face confrontation with a heckler who turned out to be a lesbian. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said this story just keeps on getting hotter and hotter." –Conan O'Brien

June 4, 2013

"More problems for the IRS. Isn't that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else's life miserable? Start with that!" –Jay Leno

"IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to 'be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time." –David Letterman

"We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They've been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, 'Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can't enjoy yourselves, if you can't every now and then pat yourself on the back?'" –David Letterman

June 3, 2013

"During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn't want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

"Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he's worried, Holder said, 'Yes. I mean, no.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive 'No.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, 'I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien

"Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don't we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?" –Jay Leno

"This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state." –Jay Leno

"In Pakistan, the Taliban's No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban's No. 3 man said he's stepping down to spend more time with his family." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there's new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I'm sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I'll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then." –Craig Ferguson

May 31, 2013

"The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus." –Bill Maher

"Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad." –Bill Maher

"Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through the mail. These dumbasses, do they really think Obama opens his own mail? He doesn’t' even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments are doing." –Bill Maher

"I hate to keep saying that Americans are stupid and lazy. But is there any lamer assassination attempt than sending wannabe poison through the mail? What was Plan B, hoping Chris Christie falls on him?" –Bill Maher

"A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a job, go to college, or qualify for housing. How can our first black President, and our first pothead President, be aware of that, and just look the other way? If anyone can say smoking pot won't ruin your life, it's the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of the free world." –Bill Maher

May 24, 2013

"Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his penis? It wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's." –Jay Leno

"According to the Boston Globe, First Lady Michelle Obama and her daughters will stay on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. You can tell President Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation, he just learned about it from the media." –Jay Leno

"Casual Friday today in the Obama White House. Which means they're casually going through everyone's phone records." –Jay Leno

"A seven-year-old boy from Milwaukee, a kid buy the name of Miles Nelson, wrote a letter to the vice president. He has an interesting solution to our problem with gun violence. Miles wrote, 'I think guns should shoot out chocolate bullets.' Believe it or not, the vice president actually wrote Miles back. He wrote, 'I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. Happier people love chocolate.' Do you really want a politician to get behind gun with chocolate bullets? The guy you should be writing to is Chris Christie. He will get this done." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 23, 2013

"Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally obtain it through the Justice Department." –Jay Leno

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, 'Yes, we can' to 'No, I can't remember.'" –Jay Leno

"The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?" –Jay Leno

"A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this." –Jay Leno

"As you may have heard ,New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recently had lap band surgery. And some sad news: today the lap band snapped and killed five bystanders." –Jay Leno

"It's coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl's yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness." –Conan O'Brien

"A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, 'What do we have to do?'" –Conan O'Brien

"During congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would've published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn't want to be photographed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

"Time magazine published President Obama's prom photos. He's with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that's OK?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Fallon impersonating Anthony Weiner: "Hello, I'm Anthony Weiner, and I'm running for mayor of New York City. This is the greatest city on earth. But for the middle class, things just keep getting harder and harder and harder and harder. Look, we're in a pickle. A big pickle. Crime is up. Unemployment is rising. Schools are failing, and that's just the tip. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I've grown since then. I've grown a lot. If you don't believe me, look at my latest poll. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not crooked. Trust me. Listen, New York, do you really want to roll the dice on this city's future? I sure don't. What I'm trying to say is, I know this race will be long and hard, but all you other candidates better watch out. I may be behind you, but I'm coming. That's why I'm asking you to pull my lever on erection day. I'm Anthony Weiner, and I paid for this massage."

May 22, 2013

"Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says 'I put my sleazy past behind me' like showing a video on the Internet at midnight." –Conan O'Brien

"During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner." –Jay Leno

"Weiner said about the city, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno

"Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman

"And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves." –Jimmy Fallon

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of 'pot tourism.' People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 21, 2013

"A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry – according to white Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright – unless, of course, they want jobs." –Jay Leno

"The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that's why President Obama holds press conferences. It's not to explain what's going on. It's to find out what's going on." –Jay Leno

"Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn't even know she was a tea party member." –Jay Leno

"These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama's chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, 'Anything else you guys aren't telling me?' And Joe Biden was like, 'Uh . . . I broke the copier.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, 'Guys, when I said 'no spoilers,' I was just talking about 'Game of Thrones.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie." –Craig Ferguson

May 20, 2013

"President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he's doing. The other 47 percent are being audited." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around." –Conan O'Brien

"These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I'll tell you how bad it's looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there's a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line." –Jay Leno

"So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he's Tony Soprano." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four 'American Idol' judges." –David Letterman

"During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him." –Jimmy Fallon

It seems like lately, President Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what's he doing with all of these dead cats?" –Stephen Colbert

May 18, 2013

“IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

“I mean really, the government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good." –Amy Poehler

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler (share this joke on Facebook)

"And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing." –Seth Meyers

'President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general's report detailing the IRS's increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there's just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn't know about.' –Seth Meyers

"The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny saying, 'Public service is a solemn privilege.' In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion.' –Seth Meyers

"Minnesota this week became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So finally Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its 'twin.'" –Seth Meyers

"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

May 17, 2013

"If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don't own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor." –Bill Maher

"The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, 'I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again.'" –Bill Maher

"Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that's there's three bullsh*t scandals that we're in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn't report it this week." –Bill Maher

"Doesn't it matter that these are all bullsh*t? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn't matter because they're in their bubble. That's where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it's like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker." –Bill Maher

"Today, the oversight committee demanded to know why, on the night of the attack in Benghazi, they did not deploy Iron Man." –Bill Maher

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS

"New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet. Of cows." –Bill Maher

May 16, 2013

"This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS – the other guy was fired. See, they're called 'acting commissioner' because you have to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House." –Jay Leno

"A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he's no longer being compared to President Carter." –Jay Leno

"It has not been a good week for President Obama. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS." –Jay Leno

"Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi – and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner." –David Letterman

"I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference." –David Letterman

"That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice." –David Letterman

"Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, 'Audit this!' Or as the IRS said, 'OK, see you tomorrow at noon.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, 'Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It's Bernie Madoff." –Craig Ferguson

"A 7-year-old boy wrote a letter to the vice president. He wrote: 'I think guns should shoot chocolate bullets so no one will get killed and no one will be sad.' Guns that shoot chocolate bullets would be a great way to liven up an Easter egg hunt, wouldn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The sad part is that's the first letter Joe Biden has received since he took office." –Jimmy Kimmel

May 15, 2013

"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman

"They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman

"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." –Jay Leno

"A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent." –Jay Leno

"This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno '

"The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." –Conan O'Brien

"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien

"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien

May 14, 2013

"The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up." –Jay Leno

"Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it." –Jay Leno

"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, 'We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman

May 13, 2013

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that." –Jay Leno

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

"On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, 'Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon Stewart on the IRS scandal

"This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the tinfoil behatted to the government." –Jon Stewart

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

May 10, 2013

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is." –Bill Maher

"They want so bad to find a smoking fun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking fun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher

"President Obama was down in Texas on his 'Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.' Don't confuse that with his first term. That was the 'Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.'" –Jay Leno

"While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to 'Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, 'Uh — the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery." –David Letterman

May 9, 2013

"President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?" –Jay Leno

"The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing." –David letterman

"NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane." –David letterman

"I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark." –David letterman

"Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?" –Conan O'Brien

May 8, 2013

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

"New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

"According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green." –Jay Leno

"My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford." –Stephen Colbert on his sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch's failed congressional bid

"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry about him." –Stephen Colbert

"In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware." –Jimmy Fallon

May 7, 2013

"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I'll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, 'She's having a little fun being a private citizen.' And then he added, 'Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman

"The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" –David Letterman

"Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea's 'Iron Lady.' Or as Biden put it, 'Can you introduce me to Iron Man?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He's the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig Ferguson

"Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what's in it, and it's going to be explosive. It's the Taco Bell of breaking news." –Stephen Colbert on the House hearings on Benghazi

May 6, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him 'practice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: 'National Parks: Nobody Knows You're Drinking in Here.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for 'Pretend you've never heard the name Gorge W. Bush." –Conan O'Brien

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything is possible." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, 'I dare you to do better' — to which the students yelled back, 'No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'" –Jay Leno

"Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans." –Jay Leno

"If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting." --Stephen Colbert, mocking the conspiracy theory that the government is buying bullets

May 3-4, 2013

"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments." –Bill Maher

"A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone."–Bill Maher

"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises." –Bill Maher

"Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say "if you see something, say something," they don't mean TO the terrorist." –Seth Meyers

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea." –Jimmy Fallon

May 2, 2013

"A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." –Stephen Colbert

"Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants." –David Letterman

"Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She's getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn't that insider dating?" –David Letterman

"President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that's how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country." –Jay Leno

"While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they've got it down. That's like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president." –Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it's serious. His bail was set at 200 goats." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, 'Uh, I'm president, aren't I?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike. Fox News reports the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far to the left." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event— 'Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters." –Conan O'Brien

"That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS." –Conan O'Brien

May 1, 2013

"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden's plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, 'No rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, 'Give me your lunch money,' students are like, 'Here, take it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers' Plan B was getting a show on MTV." –Jimmy Fallon

"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen Colbert

"Good news. Scientists find two distant planets that may have life. Just in time too since China's almost tapped out as a lender." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan – including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I'm sorry. That's what we did here. I had it backwards." –Jay Leno

"Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?" –Jay Leno

"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"Folks, it seems these days every time you turn on the news, there's another heartbreaking story about victims of gun violence targeting innocent members of Congress. It has to end. And I know I'm not going to win any awards for saying that. Unless the NRA gives out awards. They do? Oh, it's a seat in the Senate. Great." –Stephen Colbert

April 30, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster Video." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence." –Jay Leno

"There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty." –Jay Leno

"New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, 'Because I would crush him.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet because they're busy high fiving everyone they know." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news." –Jimmy Fallon

"Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I don't know." –Stephen Colbert

April 29, 2013

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay – while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore." –Jimmy Fallon

"Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, 'Hello!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, 'I don't know what's been tougher on my family, announcing I'm gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a trend now of prison inmates reviewing their prison on Yelp. The downside is that people are now committing crimes just to get the amazing fish tacos at Rikers Island." –Conan O'Brien

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won't have any illegitimate kids." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She's the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, 'Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.' Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress." –David Letterman

"They are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. Although you do get your standard restaurant gripes, like 'service took forever, was there for 25 years." –Stephen Colbert

"We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing f**ktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first." –Jon Stewart (share this on Facebook)

April 26, 2013

"They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas." –Bill Maher

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher

"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.' Enough? How about at least one too many." –Bill Maher

"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it." –Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher

"[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?" –Bill Maher

"The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle, a boat, that was on land." –Bill Maher on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise." – Bill Maher on Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." –Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don't want to do! It's all yours. Thank you." –Jay Leno

"The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that's Ok." –Jay Leno

"Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don't even remember what the old one looked like, all right?" –Jay Leno

"A new poll found that former congressman Anthony Weiner only has a 15 percent chance of winning the race for New York City mayor. Although in his defense, he's a grower not a shower." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's not a federal holiday but today you're supposed to take your son or daughter to work. For a lot of people it's take your son or daughter to where you used to work. In China, kids take their parents to work." –David Letterman

April 25, 2013

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library

"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!" –Jay Leno

"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him." –Jay Leno

"There's a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama's clothes. Not only that — there's another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton's clothes." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking." –Jimmy Fallon

"The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin's hair is real. You can comb it and everything." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 24, 2013

"All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the 'Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.'" –Jay Leno

"A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it's better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what the worst job in America is? It's newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at Dodger Stadium how things are going for him."-Jimmy Kimmel

"It was dubbed the worst job because it's high stress, low pay, and often requires working in dangerous conditions. This must have been a fun story for the newspaper reporters to report. 'Hey guys, guess what? Our lives stink.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 22-23, 2013

"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president." –Jay Leno

"U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It's a condition we know as 'Kardashianism.'" –Jay Leno

"Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, 'Wait a minute, the real news isn't bad enough? Now we're making up bad news?'" –David Letterman

"According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there's hope for me!" –David Letterman

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar." –David Letterman

"Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital." –Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers

"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

April 19, 2013

"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill Maher on the Boston bombers

"Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation." –Bill Maher

"The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama… believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He's been apprehended, he's facing jail time, and he's leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016." –Bill Maher

"After a very difficult week, it's good to know that bad guys don't get away with it. We caught the Ricin guy. We caught the bombers. This is a powerful message from our government; we will not be intimidated by bombs, we will not be intimidated by poison. This is America. If you are a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun." –Bill Maher

"90 percent of people support background checks, which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks." –Bill Maher

"Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math, they're going to be pissed." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the senators are saying off the record that the reason they couldn't vote for any sort of gun bill is that they couldn't go back to their district in this year after we've dealt with gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say Obama is coming for your deep fryer." –Bill Maher

April 15-17, 2013

Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing:

"Whoever did this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims — a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on. It is the cradle of the American revolution. A city that withstood an 86-year losing streak. A city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years — I mean, there are commuters just getting home now. Even their bands are tough. It's the hometown of Aerosmith, who are, in their fifth decade, still going strong. Even Steven Tyler looks fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman.

"But here is what these cowards really don't get. They attacked the Boston Marathon. An event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples are raw for fun. And they have been holding it in Boston since 1897. And do you know how tough you have to be to run in a whalebone corset? And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood.

"So here's what I know. These maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are."

Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing:

"Once again, having to start under horrific events here in this country. I really hate the fact that I can cross-reference my thoughts to so many other events that have occurred over the years — so I'm not going to. I'm just going to say this to Boston: Thank you. Thank you for once again, in the face of gross inhumanity, inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country.

"So thank you for everything you've done. It's a quite a little city you've got going on up there. And New Yorkers and Boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition. Often, the two cities accusing each other of various levels of suckitude. But it is in situations like this that we realize it is clearly a sibling rivalry, and that we are your brothers and sisters in this type of event. As a city that knows the feeling of confusion, anger, and grief, and chaos that comes with these events, I can tell you from personal experience: You've got a hell of a city going on, and you've done an incredible job in the face of all this. Thank you."

Latest Jokes:

"President Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, 'If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?" –Conan O'Brien

'Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It's not a good sign when the friend who's trying to explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That's not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.' –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you're an FBI informant." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country's founder. He famously said, 'Let's have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It's a deadly poison made from beans. They said it's the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it's from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he's bipartisan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 12, 2013

"Stop buying the hype about North Korea. … Think about it -- Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon." –Bill Maher

"I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it's always a spectacular disaster. He's the only Asian in the world that doesn't test well." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to gun control." –Bill Maher

"Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?'" –Bill Maher

"Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution...unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea." –Bill Maher

"A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside, lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom." –Bill Maher

"Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It's like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac." –Bill Maher

"Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?" –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan said today, 'We don't want a country where abortion is simply outlawed, we want a country where it isn't even considered.' Really, Paul? That's not what your mom told me." –Bill Maher

"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram." –Bill Maher

"Margaret Thatcher died on Monday. Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she said Charles can be king." –Bill Maher

"Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. " –Jimmy Fallon

"It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, 'Stop helping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad." –Jimmy Fallon

"Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, 'Si.'" –Jay Leno

April 11, 2013

"Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything." –Jay Leno

"North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You're five years too late." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan." –Jay Leno

"A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation's drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws – it's always the people you least expect." –Jay Leno

"On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It's being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It's true. That thing on his head is pregnant." –Craig Ferguson

"The South Korean pop star Psy of 'Gangnam Style' fame just announced that he'll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North Korea said, 'Now they're really asking for it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

April 10, 2013

"After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them." –Stephen Colbert

"I, for one, think Weiner would be a great New York City mayor. For one thing, we wouldn't have to worry about a soda ban because we've all seen that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup." –Stephen Colbert

"I believe the time is right. Anthony wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: 'There was definitely a douchiness about him I don't see anymore.' I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: 'Anthony Weiner, now less douchey.'" –Stephen Colbert

"That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner's brother pointed out, 'No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.' And we all know how hard he can be on himself." –Stephen Colbert

"Former Rep. Anthony Weiner? Remember him? He famously tweeted lewd photos of himself. He says he wants people to give him a second chance. Not in politics, but on Instagram." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he's considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I'm sure that he'll provide some stiff competition." –Jimmy Fallon

"Come on, he's the total package. I don't want to be too hard on him. I don't have a bone to pick with that guy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, 'Yeah, that's how you know it's good.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He's now thinking of running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and hard about this." –Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal said that Mr. Weiner didn't respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn't email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!" –Jay Leno

"It's starting to get serious – China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, 'Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.'" –Jay Leno

"Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate." –Jay Leno

"South Korean officials today say they're highly confident that North Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?" –Jimmy Kimmel

April 9, 2013

"This week on the 'Today' show, Chelsea Clinton said she's open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, 'Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical 'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, 'Whoa, easy on the tequila.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them." –Craig Ferguson

"This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since 'Gangnam Style.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC." –Craig Ferguson

"I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I'm really glad we had this time together." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don't vote for him in next week's election. Today Mitt Romney said, 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we're cursed no matter who we vote for." –Jay Leno

"It was this day in 1967 that Russia sold Alaska to the United States for 2 cents an acre. You know why they sold us so cheaply? Just to get rid of the Palins." –Jay Leno

April 8, 2013

"President Obama is in trouble for saying that California Attorney General Kamala Harris is good looking. When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, 'That guy is out of control." –Conan O'Brien

"Because Obama said California Attorney General Kamala Harris was attractive, people are calling his remark sexist. Now the President is overcompensating and trying to balance it out. Today he said Attorney General Eric Holder has a great ass." –Jay Leno

"Here's something I didn't know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden's lunch always comes with a toy." –Jay Leno

"Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I'm sorry, that's not Kim Jong Un. That's Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused." –Jay Leno

"There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts – except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Though in fairness, it'll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on 'Celebrity Apprentice.' I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman – and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un." –Jimmy Fallon

April 5, 2013

"North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car." –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

"During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California's Kamala Harris, quote, 'the best-looking attorney general in the country.' Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, 'Well, here's another one: What's black and white and sleeps on the couch?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle." –Jimmy Fallon

"While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California's attorney general, Kamala Harris, 'the best-looking attorney general ever.' after the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the president from first lady Michelle." –Jay Leno

"Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it's Joe's job to say stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House." –Jay Leno

"We have a guy here in New York City who wanted to be mayor so he's trying to bribe his way on to the ballot, laying out big, big money. And the scandal involves three Republicans and two Democrats. Finally, some bipartisanship!" –David Letterman
 
"Everybody's excited about college basketball's tournament. You know who is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner." –David Letterman

April 4, 2013

"Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don't send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship." –Jay Leno

"This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, 'You can map mine for a lot less.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Right now there are two Kims in the news. There's Kim Jong-Un, who's the leader of North Korea, and then there's Kim Kardaishian, the reality star who's having a baby with Kanye West. It can be kind of tough to keep track of who's who. Kim Kardashian's life is like a roller coaster; Kim Jong-Un isn't tall enough to ride one. Kim Kardashian's favorite movie is called Failure to Launch; Kim Jong-Un's nuclear program is called Failure to Launch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan's program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, 'It's amazing that this information didn't leak out earlier.'" –David Letterman

"Jay, for leaving 'The Tonight Show' for the second time, gets $15 million. It's the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It's the same deal the old Pope got." –David Letterman

"Yesterday NBC announced Jay's retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don't have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that's what Fallon ought to be worried about." –David Letterman

"They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to 'The Tonight Show.' They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host 'The Tonight Show.' I have not hosted 'The Tonight Show' longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?" –David Letterman

"It seems like every single day, President Obama finds a new way to waste our tax dollars. I mean, two daughters? Seems a little redundant." –Stephen Colbert

April 3, 2013

"Folks, I've got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again." –Jay Leno

"I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He's going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We've all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place – now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don't let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you." –Jay Leno

"Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn't even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he's looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for." –Jay Leno

"Welcome to the show, everybody. This is 'Late Night With Jimmy Fallon' — for now." –Jimmy Fallon

"You've probably heard the news. I'm going to be taking over for 'The Tonight Show' next February. But don't worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush's library this month. Apparently there's still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, 'Don't look at me, I'm still cleaning up your last mess.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again.'" –David Letterman

"Didn't we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It's crazy. He's being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman

"But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno's departure. No mention of his official date of return, however." –David Letterman

"The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called 'Irony.gov.'" –David Letterman

"Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 2, 2013

"The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant.' That is out. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented Democrat.'" –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn how to shoot.'" –Jimmy Fallon
 
"President Obama went only two for 22. It's tough times for Obama – one minute, he's asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he's asking them to lower the hoop." –Jimmy Fallon

April 1, 2013

"The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was 'Be healthy, be active, be you.' They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. 'I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, 'Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen." –Jay Leno

"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting." –Jay Leno

"According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That's not unusual." –Jay Leno

"Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude." –Stephen Colbert

"I've never been a fan of Earth Day and it's hippie dippy Kumbaya orgy of drum-circle-jerks." –Stephen Colbert

"Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor." –Stephen Colbert

"Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!" –Stephen Colbert

March 28, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, 'Ehh, maybe not.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn't email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there's literally no other way she'll get the message." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, 'Can't believe I'm doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?" –Jay Leno

"Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey." –Jay Leno

March 27, 2013

"Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy campaigning for open marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially come out as a lesbian." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey." –Conan O'Brien

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts." –Jay Leno

"Last year at Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep." –David Letterman

"Last year there was some trouble at the White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy." –David Letterman

"The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman." –David Letterman

"I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when 'Gay Divorce Court' hits the air. That's how I'll be spending my days." –David Letterman

"Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, 'Any of you ladies want to write it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they're a late-night host on NBC." –Jimmy Fallon

March 26, 2013

"A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding." –Stephen Colbert

"Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that's why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, 'Hey, I thought we were Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

"Last year the expenses of the living exp residents cost us taxpayers almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions and Bill Clinton's party bus." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I'm wearing a robe." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much 'not done' at home as they get 'not done' in Washington." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter." –Jay Leno
 
"Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, 'It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life." –Jon Stewart

March 25, 2013

"The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for the government." –David Letterman

"New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit." –David Letterman

"John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel's relationship with pork." –Conan O'Brien

"The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance." –Stephen Colbert

"Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise."  –Stephen Colbert

March 21-22, 2013

"According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level." –Jay Leno

"There's a big controversy with the History Channel's mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn't the first time the president's been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele 'Nutball' Bachmann back in the news. She has attacked what she calls the Obamas' lavish White House lifestyle. She says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker. That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free." –Jay Leno

"Well, after losing two presidential elections in a row, the Republican Party has outlined a plan to attract minorities. It's called 'Operation Pretend We Like 'Em.'" –Jay Leno

"The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote." –Jimmy Fallon

March 20, 2013

"President Obama filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: 'Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win." –Jimmy Fallon

"A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, 'That's your Plan A?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do 'Jurassic Park'-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's hope for NBC. It could turn around." –Jay Leno

March 19, 2013

"A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser." –Jay Leno

"She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year." –Jay Leno

"The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They'll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno

"The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course." –David Letterman

"The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, "Who do you think's going to build that path?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night on 'The Tonight Show,' during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives 'snakes.' The response came quickly. 'Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far,' responded the snakes." –Craig Ferguson

March 18, 2013

"Have you been watching 'The Bible'? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, 'If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.'" –David Letterman (share this joke on Facebook)

"The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's 'The Bible' looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, 'How can you do that to Satan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of Vogue magazine. And also look for President Obama next month on the cover of The Economist. It's their annual April Fools issue." –Jay Leno

"To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water." –Jay Leno

"You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton came out today in support of gay marriage. Now she faces her greatest challenge yet – getting her husband to support straight marriage." –Craig Ferguson

March 15, 2013

"Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class." –Bill Maher

"They had a panel discussion at CPAC called 'Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You're Not One?' Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck." –Bill Maher

"U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called 'Microsoft Windows.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC." –Jay Leno

"You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship." –Jay Leno

"Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won't try to board them now." –Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." –David Letterman

"We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night." –David Letterman

"Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes." –David Letterman

"Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business." –Craig Ferguson

"Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the 'Egyptian Taylor Swift.'" –Craig Ferguson

"After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson

March 14, 2013

"As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs." –Jay Leno

"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

"Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: 'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of the bouncer for Heaven." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy." –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble." –David Letterman

"The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote." –David Letterman

"It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis." –David Letterman

"It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn't that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.' –Conan O'Brien

March 13, 2013

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien

“The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you're saying to yourself, 'Boy, that name sounds familiar,' you're right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.” –David Letterman

“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope." –David Letterman

“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.” –Jay Leno

“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.” –Jay Leno

“But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on ‘The View.’” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.” –Jay Leno

“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo.’” –Craig Ferguson

“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.” –Craig Ferguson

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.” –Craig Ferguson

March 12, 2013

“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who's still trying to figure out how the ballots work.” –Jimmy Fallon

"In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” –David Letterman

“The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they're drawn out. It's the same thing they do for the Vatican's Secret Santa.” –David Letterman

“The Pope has more than one designation. He's also the bishop of Rome. He's also known as the pontiff. And here's what I didn't know. He's also known as Diddy.” –David Letterman

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek.’” –Craig Ferguson

“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” –Craig Ferguson

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” –Craig Ferguson

“How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.” –Craig Ferguson

“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.” –Conan O’Brien

“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don't have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any "Walking Dead" spoilers.” –Conan O’Brien

March 11, 2013

“In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.” –Jay Leno

“Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's nice of him to step in and fill that.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said "Wait, why am I still taking the train?’” –Conan O’Brien

“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien

“Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.” –Conan O’Brien

“The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.” –Conan O’Brien

“North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!” –David Letterman

“When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.” –David Letterman

March 8, 2013

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” –Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher

“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did Dennis Rodman say?!’” –Bill Maher

“Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant; like a date, and he picked up the tab…he put down the White House credit card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied.” –Bill Maher

“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” –Bill Maher

“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first.” –Bill Maher

“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever…they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” –Bill Maher

“A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said ‘girlfriend, who doesn’t.’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – f*** you. A one-million dollar hybrid - that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer's market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” –Bill Maher

“If seeing this nice lady (Michelle Obama) on TV saying she likes the movies, or nutrition, or exercise fills you with rage, get help.” –Bill Maher (Share this on Facebook)

“The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.” –Seth Meyers

March 7, 2013

"President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.'" –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?" –Conan O'Brien

"Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store." –Conan O'Brien

"All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's drones?" –Craig Ferguson

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of 'Footloose'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 6, 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He's a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don't like. Chavez was, too." –Craig Ferguson

"The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

March 5, 2013

"A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it's being called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans want it cut down to 2." –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food." –Conan O'Brien

"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It is Election Day. We're going for a new mayor. At one point, our mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our community, want to hang around with the mayor?" –Craig Ferguson

"It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show.'" –Craig Ferguson

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

"Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from 'The Daily Show.' We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela." – Stephen Colbert

March 4, 2013

"In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy." –Conan O'Brien

"The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate." –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell l to be his budget director. The President says he's excited by her experience at Wal-Mart. Sylvia Burwell said she's excited to be making more than $9.85 per hour." –Conan O'Brien

“Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” –Stephen Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe

"President Obama's half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He's a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don't know much about the half-brother." –Craig Ferguson

"The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 1-2, 2013

"I don't have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo." –Bill Maher

"The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one." –Bill Maher

"They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher

"This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your refrigerator to blow up if you open the door." –Bill Maher on the sequester

"New Rule: Now that it's been announced that former Pope John Ratzinger will no longer wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall?" –Bill Maher

"Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we're in this situation in the first place?" –Jay Leno

"The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off." –Jay Leno

"At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He's not doing anything." –Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years as Pontiff. - - revealing an incredible case of hat hair." –Seth Meyers

"After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few months, I’m guessing, trying to kill James Bond?" –Seth Meyers

"Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made." –Seth Meyers

Feb. 28, 2013

"We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes – or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure." –Conan O'Brien

"These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, 'Among you is the future Pope.' And then he said, 'Now enter The Octagon.' They're going to fight it out with holy relics." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in." –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back. " –Craig Ferguson

"He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters." –Craig Ferguson

"In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He'll say, 'Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You're not going to the Vatican.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, 'Catch ya later.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k)." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot's license, but never got a driver's license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can't drive a car — just like Jesus before him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There's a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: 'Yes, We Vati-can.'" –Jay Leno

Feb. 27, 2013

"Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror." –Stephen Colbert

"The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's into remote controlled planes." –Stephen Colbert

"Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select." –Stephen Colbert

"John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton." –Stephen Colbert

"Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you're really screwed." –Jimmy Fallon

"This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it." –Jay Leno

"In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week that after four years as president, 'you realize all the mistakes you've made.' so apparently he DOES watch Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, 'You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis." –Conan O'Brien

"It's tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, 'Are you sure you weren't tailed?'" –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise." –David Letterman

"Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections." –Craig Ferguson

"All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians." –Craig Ferguson

"Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from 'Saturday Night Live'? Yeah." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State John Kerry"

10. Portuguam
9. Galifiankistan
8. Uncle Artica
7. Costa Regis
6. Equatorial Vinnie
5. Guayaguay
4. Greece 2
3. Belize Navidad
2. Bangjohntesh
1. Cameroon Diaz

Feb. 26, 2013

"In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey. Remember he got in trouble for cavorting with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic? Now a professional East Coast escort has come forward and she says she had a sexual arrangement with him and other politicians as well. See, in Washington that arrangement is known as 'quid pro ho.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the 'Sports Illustrated' pants suit issue." –David Letterman

"The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers." –David Letterman

"The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy." –David Letterman

"Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that." –David Letterman

 "Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep." –Conan O'Brien

"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen Colbert

"My church has had some problems. Yes, money was molested. Yes, children were laundered." –Stephen Colbert on the Catholic Church

"Our heroic drones have so rattled Al Qaeda, its leaders are distributing a 22-point tip sheet on how to avoid them. Like tip number 12: 'Maintain complete silence of all wireless contacts.' Here's a pro-tip: switch to AT&T. No one will ever find you!" -–Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Pope Benedict Achievements"

10. Invented the vibrating desk
9. Designs new summer line of papal vestments
8. Announces Vatican's Two-For-One Lobster Tuesdays
7. Invents rechargeable pope hat
6. Departs St. Peter's Square via jetpack
5. Makes historic trip to Mexico
4. Serves as judge on "Vatican City's Got Talent"
3. Releases best-selling iPad app, "Angry Popes"
2. Hosts his own game show
1. Performs first miracle: Turning bread into toast

Feb. 25, 2013

"Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"Big winner last night was 'Life of Pi,' a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of 'The Hangover 3.'" –Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs." –David Letterman

"The entire cast of 'Les Miserables' performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of 'Zero Dark Thirty' put it, 'Now this is torture.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Unlike Jesus, with my book, you don't have to wait a thousand years for the second edition." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 22, 2013

"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, 'Do you think that I could pull off bangs?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit."'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s a good one: Don't join al-Qaida." –Jay Leno

"A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets." –Jay Leno

Watch: Michelle Obama Teaches Jimmy Fallon How to Mom-Dance

Feb. 21, 2013

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something, it'll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring Lance Armstrong." –Craig Ferguson

"It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State's graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He's currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty' contains a lot of errors. They were like, 'The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance – but in real life, it's WAY worse than that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After the success of his book, 'Killing Lincoln,' Bill O'Reilly is coming out with a new book called 'Killing Jesus.' He's going to be disappointed when he finds out there's already a book about that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican." –Stephen Colbert

"The fact that these organizations don't exist only makes it more suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them ... President Obama, withdraw Hagel's nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate Republicans -- another group that doesn't exist." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 20, 2013

"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'?" –Jay Leno

"Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he's right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time." –Jay Leno

"There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China." –Jimmy Fallon

"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're going to miss Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman

"They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa." –David Letterman

"It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads 'Will Pope for food.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans." –Conan O'Brien

Feb. 19, 2013

"Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages." –Jay Leno

"The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you're the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you're at Denny's blowing on your soup." –David Letterman

"Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son." –David Letterman

"This is about transparency, about a free press holding our leader accountable. I mean it's one thing to keep us in the dark about a fleet of flying robo-assassins. but a round of golf on your day off? Where's the judicial oversight?" -- Stephen Colbert

"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt." -- Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"

10. "How about you and I form a more perfect union?"
9. "Who wants to touch my beard?"
8. "Daniel-Day Lewis wishes he looked this good"
7. "Is it true Bloomberg outlawed hats over 16 ounces?"
6. "Damn, girl, you make Mary Todd look like Ulysses S. Grant"
5. (Holding $5 bill next to face) "Does the $5 bill make me look fat?"
4. "Wow, I thought my clothing was outdated"
3. "It's Presidents' Day, how 'bout a hug?"
2. "Hey, where's my idiot son, Abraham W. Lincoln?"
1. "Hey, jackass, you gonna thank me for the day off?"

Feb. 18, 2013

 "Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off." –Craig Ferguson

"Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials." –Craig Ferguson

"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House's immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it 'dead on arrival.' That incidentally is also Florida's state motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, 'No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever." –Jay Leno

"The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place." –Jay Leno

"Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers" –David Letterman
"The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling ranch, the Pope-arosa." –David Letterman

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 14-16, 2013

"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant." –Bill Maher

"After Obama's speech, the Cuban guy in the Republican Party reached for a bottle of water, and he looked like a mime stuck in a box." –Bill Maher on Sen. Marco Rubio's water break during the Republican response to the State of the Union

"Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

"Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages -- a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now." –Bill Maher

"February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we're going to have a period where there's no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cottonmouth. Plus, the next time Rubio panders to Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of a speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose." –Bill Maher

"Senators John McCain and Lindsay Graham this week said they would not proceed with the nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense until the Obama Administration provided more information about last year’s Benghazi attack. Then, and only then, will they return to their balcony seats on the Muppet Show.'" –Seth Meyers

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

"Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period." –Stephen Colbert

"I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional." –Stephen Colbert

"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –SStephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Going Through Marco Rubio's Mind At This Moment"

10. "Smooth"
9. "Doctors say you should drink eight glasses of water every speech"
8. "I think I look pretty cool drinking out of a tiny bottle"
7. "Laugh all you want--Poland Spring just paid me a million damn dollars"
6. "This would be a great closer for my ventriloquist act"
5. "That looked presidential, right?"
4. "I'm sure they'll edit this part out"
3. "OMG, I asked for sparkling water"
2. "Marco Rubio needs his throato lubio"
1. "By 2016, won't America want a stooge back in the White House?"

Feb. 13, 2013

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need 'Biggie' fries to have regular-sized fries." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, 'Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, 'Beats the finger I usually get!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about." –Jay Leno

"The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water." –Jay Leno
"Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?" –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job." –Jay Leno

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

"Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You'd Make a Bad Pope"

10. Typically spend Sundays disabled by a hangover
9. Religion isn't really your thing
8. You pronounce the "P" in "Psalms"
7. Last time God spoke to you, he told you to stay out of church
6. Know nothing about Vatican, know a lot about Vicodin
5. You think "Papal" in an online payment website
4. Only want the job as an excuse to avoid sex with your wife
3. In times of trouble, ask yourself, "What would Keith Richards do?"
2. Your most recent prayer: "Dear God, don't let it be herpes"
1. Even Jesus thinks you're a stooge

Feb. 12, 2013

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'our black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate." –David Letterman

"With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013." –Jimmy Fallon
 
"Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well, it's because Washington was famous for saying, 'I cannot tell a lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a 'You don't have a clue' problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up 'being Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to 'Inception,' isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, 'Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!' If we're really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?" –Jay Leno

"This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of 'Hail to the Chief,' they played 'Hey, Big Spender.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pope is resigning. I just hope it's not steroids." –Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys." –Jay Leno

"Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party." –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 11, 2013

"Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, 'Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, 'No.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno

"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno

"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno "Pope Benedict announced he's retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day." –Conan O'Brien

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." –David Letterman

"The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids." –David Letterman

"The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work." –David Letterman

"The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place." –Craig Ferguson

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 7, 2013

"Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called 'Ready for Hillary.' And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called 'Bracing for Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, 'It's not my thing.' Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams." –David Letterman

"Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner." –Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism." –Jay Leno

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

Feb. 6, 2013

"It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It's pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked: 'We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy." –Jay Leno

"This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com." –Jay Leno

"Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?" –Jay Leno

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

Feb. 5, 2013

"People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill." –Jay Leno

"A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate." –Conan O'Brien

"The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney." –David Letterman

"The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it's also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 4, 2013

"Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republican say that New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. And Menendez is in big trouble because as you know it is a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent." –Jay Leno

"A new study just came out and it reveals that straight me who watch porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found that straight men who don't watch porn are lying." –Conan O'Brien

"Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans." –Stephen Colbert, on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP

"Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year's game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill." –Jimmy Fallon

"The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened." –Jimmy Fallon

"The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don't experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party." –Jimmy Fallon

"A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday." –David Letterman

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, 'Flight's on us! No problem. We've got everything covered.'" –Jay Leno

Feb. 1, 2013

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher

"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone." –Bill Maher

"I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries." –Bill Maher

"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants." –Bill Maher

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

"This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call it, February." –Bill Maher

"Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher (Share this joke on Facebook)

"Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing." –Jay Leno

"I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about." –Jay Leno

"Here's some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those researchers put it, 'Man, high school never ends, does it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him." –Jimmy Fallon

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman