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Dennis Miller Rant

Dennis Miller on 'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno'
Feb. 25, 2003

Jay Leno: Let me ask you, war inevitable, what do you got?

Dennis Miller: Listen, we have got to do it soon, just — we've got to mark our turf. I think Iraq is like East Korea. I think you got to send a message to these people over there, and I think this build-up to the war is why we're having all this controversy.

"I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum."

Because the last one, is it just me or did it seem to happen just like that. Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out. The sky was full.

We waited so long here, of course you'll hear a lot of controversy. I think it's time to go in. You think the Elite Republican Guard is really going to stop us? Anybody remember these guys from the last battle? They warned us, you don't want to run into the Elite Republican Guard, they're killing machines. We got 20 miles away from them, all we saw is Roadrunner clouds running off into the distance. They were in Vegas last week opening for Robert Goulet.

I think it's time to start the war. My favorite Afghani war story is the Al Qaeda fighter who is crushed to death by the dissenting humanitarian food pallet. Everybody sitting around in the next life at the Psychotic Algonquin Roundtable swapping tales. What happened to you, Khalid? I saw a shadow, looked up, Del Monte cling peaches coming right at my head. I didn't even have the Kevlar turban on that day.

Listen, it's time to do something. For God's sake, Saddam Hussein is — well, it kills me that so many people are thinking this man — I hear this revisionist stuff now, that he doesn't deserve
to be attacked. It's unbelievable to me. I saw Ed Harris one night speaking at a pro-choice — pro-choice rally. Ed Harris the actor said we shouldn't go to war. I was thinking if you can't get your head around the war, why don't you just think of it as choosing to abort Saddam Hussein. Wouldn't that be a rationale that you could possibly —

Listen, we got to take care of ourselves now. I mean who going to protect us? I'm not saying we have to be trigger happy, but let's not be trigger sad either. Who are we going to bank on. You going to rely on the Germans? For god's sake, with the Germans you never know if they're not signing on because they don't believe in it or it's just not on a grand enough scale, you know. The Germans, it's like when Alfred Nobel started giving the peace prize. You know where he made his fortune, dynamite, he invented dynamite. He was so haunted he was going to go to hell, he said at the end, here's 9 million, give out the peace award. That's what the Germans do. They know they've got the skankiest track record on the planet earth so now they'll be obstinate about being pacifists.

Even with bad guys, the Russians, I don't know, I think Putin is on a tight leash right now because of that nerve gas disaster they had in Moscow. Really stop to think about it, if they could take out that many friedlies liberating an opera house, do you really want them flying off your wing in a real war? You know something? The Belgians, you knew they'd waffle?

That brings us to... well, you know where that brings us, to the French. The French, you might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with Fredo because you are dead to me, okay. You know something? These pricks are now putting — they're putting swastikas on our flag in France. You've got all those boys buried in Normandy. And after we had the good taste to chisel the
armpit hair off the Statue of Liberty you gave us, you know something, I — always thought that tint was oxdized copper. Little did I know it was green with envy.

You know something, I say we don't let these guys on the war train now. They don't want to be involved, fine. I say the train pulls out, leave them on the platform and say listen you're not allowed to fight with us now. You guys want to get your hands dirty at this late date, you'll have to run them through your own hair.

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says Bush is Hitler, forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler."

You know something, everybody's talking about post-liberation Iraq and who should take care of it. Listen, you know they need the oil and you know there's a lot of dirty paper on the French providing reactor parts that we're going to unearth. I'd have a back channel call from Bush to Chirac and I'd tell him, listen, pal, you know who's going to handle the day-to-day necessities of the noble Iraqi, it's you, my friend. Consierge is a French word, isn't it?

You know something, if they couldn't — I say we invade Iraq and then invade Chirac. You run a pipe -- you run a pipe from the oilfield right over this Eiffel Tower, shoot it up and have the world's biggest oil derrick. We got a picture of it right here. Yeah. Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum.

I'm just saying listen, I'dlike to have allies too. What's happening in this world right now, we have a competency chasm. We are getting real good at what we do and the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. As that gap gets wider, they'll hate us more and more and more. We are simultaneously the most hated, feared, loved and admired planet — nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra and you know something, the Chairman didn't get to be the Chairman lying down for punks outside the
Fountainbleu.

Now listen, I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on tv, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.

I think he ought to take Saddam Hussein on this debate, I like that idea. Because we can't find the guy anyway. Maybe this is a way to flush him out, huh? He can say... —  I hate to go back to the Godfather again, but we just sit Bush down and say, listen, we know where the debate is. Halfway through the opening remarks you say you got to take a pee, go into the bathroom, Rumsfeld will tape a gun up under the flusher. You come out, make sure it's there. Rumsfeld, I don't want my president walking out of there with just his dick in his hand. You put two shots into Hussein's head, you drop the gun and walk out of the restaurant. You do not run.

Listen, I do not need a time of war to see peace protestors — and that's fine, peace is fine, dissident is fine, that's the American way, but the Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says Bush is Hitler, forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.

You know something, this is — this stuff has got to stop, somebody's got to say something good in this community about this man. I'm starting a new web sit, pro-Bush, called www dot w. And you know something, if you're watching tonight, President Bush, and I'm not sure you are because I got a feeling you watch the national network reruns of "BJ and The Bear," but if you're watching, I want to just say, I think you're doing a hell of a job and I'm proud that you're my president. I want to thank you and wish you Godspeed because you got a tough deal of the cards. I think there are a lot more people out here on your side than you would think.

You know, Jay, I used to be a liberal. You look at what happens in the State of California with untethered liberalism. Everybody in this state in charge now is a Democrat. It's no longer the Andreas Fault, it's Gray Davis's fault. This is what happens when you elect lawyers. Shakespeare said first kill all the lawyers. I've been doing some some thinking, I think we could get away with it because if you kill all of them, at our murder trial, we wouldn't have adequate representation.

Related Links
Dennis Miller Quotes
Dennis Miller Rants About Peter Arnett and Michael Moore
Late-Night Political Jokes
Saddam Hussein and Iraq Jokes
French Jokes

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