| The Florida Election Mess |
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"I want to take a moment here to thank the members of the Supreme Court. You folks really cleared up that mess. And Florida, do us a favor — stay out of the next election." —David Letterman
"Did he concede? What do we do now? Did O.J. or Monica do anything today?" —Jon Stewart, reacting to Gore's concession
"Last night Al Gore gave the speech of his life. Nice timing, Al." —David Letterman
"The two candidates were said to have spent the evening pouring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was pouring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because quote, 'I don't want to finish my juice.'" —Jon Stewart
"In Austin, former First Lady Barbara
Bush seized the moment's poignancy, and after a teary heart-to-heart, George W.
handed over his lucky lunchbox, and went president clothes shopping." —Daily
Show e-mail
"Don't kid yourself. George W. Bush is very excited. He's already working on his first foreign-policy blunder." —David Letterman
"You think late last night Al Gore was sitting up going 'Wait, I goes an idea. It's still not too late to impeach Clinton. I'll become president that way! Yeah, let's get a recount!" —Jay Leno
"The final margin in the sate of Florida: 5 votes to 4 votes. The thing about that, it's an 11 percent victory margin for George W. Bush…but it looks like one of the most surprising things about this Florida vote is that George W. Bush got 100 percent of the African American vote." —Jon Stewart, on the majority U.S. Supreme Court ruling joined by Justice Clarence Thomas
"Life goes on. By noon today James Baker's was back on the 1st tee of his restricted country club." —David Letterman
"Al Gore also gave his speech. A lot of people said he should have bowed out sooner. That's where he and President Clinton differ. See, Clinton knows when he's been licked." —Jay Leno
"You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around." —Jay Leno
"Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States, and I promised him that I wouldn't call him back this time." —Vice President Al Gore, conceding the election
"Quite honestly, I'm glad you folks are here. Last night's audience was really a rough crowd. Three of my jokes were reversed. Then they went to go scream outside the Supreme Court." —David Letterman
"One of George Bush's chief campaign aids said today that there is a quiet serenity about him. He said that Bush has a reassuring calmness. Calmness, really? I mean, Bush admits that he doesn't read the newspaper. His ranch doesn't have a TV set nor a newspaper. That's not serenity, that's not calmness, I don't think he has any idea what's going on." —Jay Leno
"See, here's the problem in a nutshell. You have these two guys that want to be president. You have Al Gore who wants to be president and you have Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney as you know, is in charge of putting together George W. Bush's pretend, make-believe cabinet. This guy is so busy, he had to postpone a mild heart attack." —David Letterman
"Dick Cheney had a mild heart attack, but they say he'll soon be able to resume his regular activities. I thought having heart attacks was his regular activity. Anyway, since he's a Republican, the heart isn't a major organ." —Jay Leno
"The U.S. Supreme Court today heard oral arguments from both sides. President Clinton spoke out about it. He said an oral argument isn't really an argument." —Jay Leno
"He's doing fine and recovering well. I guess he injured his hip when he and his other son, Jeb Bush, were carrying heavy boxes of uncounted ballots into the woods in Florida to bury them." —Jay Leno, on George Bush Sr.'s hip replacement surgery
"I am not the acting president." —An inscription on the chalkboard by Bart Simpson during the opening credits of The Simpsons
"Mr. Klock? I'm Scalia." —Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to Katherine Harris's lawyer, Joseph Klock, after Klock twice mistook one justice for another during oral arguments
"So many of its elected officials are so openly For Sale that politics in Florida is more like an auction than a democratic process. ... The state has no Income Tax & essentially no Law. Its cities are ruled by Depraved sots & its Universities are snake-pits of cheating & random sex in Public." —Hunter S. Thompson
"This is another fine mess. A couple of old Jews accidentally vote for a Nazi and the Republic falls apart like a five dollar wool coat hung on a fence post at a corporate moth farm. Third world banana Republics mock us. We're forced to view the grisly spectacle of Chris Mathews' near nightly aneurism . . . Somebody go find a fat lady, drag her to Florida and force her to sing. Bring a cattle prod if need be." —Will Durst
"In light of these events, America is cancelled. Citizens are asked to choose between Canada and Mexico by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow" —from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Following Dick Cheney's mild heart
attack last month, Beltway gossip suggested that Cheney might be replaced on the
Republican ticket. Insiders were concerned that if Cheney were to die in office,
then George W. Bush would be president." —from
Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"It was just announced that the Supreme Court will hear arguments Monday afternoon, and Sandra Day O'Connor is pregnant with James Baker's baby." —from the new NBC soap "Palm Beach," as depicted on Saturday Night Live
"The great thing about America is everybody should vote." —George W. Bush
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, 48 percent of the people like me!" —comedian Al Franken on what he'd advise Al Gore to say
"Vice President Al Gore has not yet begun to succeed, and there are growing fears that the Vice President is running out of ways to lose." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Vice President Al Gore has not yet begun to succeed, and there are growing fears that the Vice President is running out of ways to lose." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"I have been in the witness protection program for the last three weeks. I campaigned for Ralph Nader. I'm now living as a woman in Mississippi." —Phil Donahue
"I hope you appreciate the flags. I am trying to appear more presidential." —David Letterman, flanked by flags on the Late Show
"Top answer in About.com's poll on the Florida Supreme Court's ruling on recounts: "Count long enough, and those pregnant chads are going to give birth to live votes." —Wall Street Journal, Nov. 24, citing a recent Political Humor poll. Weigh in on the poll here
"This is boring . . . now I know what people went through when they were trying to watch the basketball game and my Bronco was going up the freeway." —O.J. Simpson, on coverage of the Ryder truck carrying ballots to Tallahassee
"It was so eerily reminiscent of the O.J. low-speed chase I was waiting to hear David Boies on a CB radio saying, 'I'm in the Ryder. I've got Al Gore with me. I'm bringing him in. But back off. He's got a loaded chad pointed at his head.'" —Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser, on the Florida ballot convoy
"O.J. Simpson is in the news. He said he voted in Miami. Finally a voter down there we know can stab through a piece of paper." —Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney has been on TV everywhere. He's doing press conferences, he's setting up the transition team back in Washington...What's Bush doing? Bush is relaxing on the ranch. Which guy had the heart attack?" —Jay Leno
"At the rate we're going, the Inaugural Ball is going to be a surprise party." —comedian Argus Hamilton
"I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years." —Bill Clinton
"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." —George W. Bush
"Do you realize the three of you standing there are Colin, Bush and Dick?" —Jay Leno, in a question at a mock news conference at Bush's Texas ranch
"In Little Rock, Arkansas, they are going to name a street after Bill Clinton. Wouldn't that be odd? How would you give directions? Take a left on Main then two blocks later go down on Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno
"In my case it may have been a little more intriguing because people didn't know what was going to happen. Here they know the ballots are going to get to Tallahassee." —O.J. Simpson, comparing the Florida ballot convoy to his Ford Bronco chase
"The good news is the White House is now giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings... Some of these jokes actually write themselves." —David Letterman
"George W. Bush has a new team of lawyers. I hear they're pretty good. They're the team that handled his last drunk driving arrest." —David Letterman
"Everybody has started to lose patience with this election. As a matter of fact, earlier today Yankee great Yogi Berra called Vice President Al Gore and said, 'It's over!'" —David Letterman
"Last night Vice President Al Gore
addressed the nation. A lot of folks in Palm Beach, Fla. missed it because they
couldn't find the right channel on their remotes." —Jay
Leno
"This election has thrown everything I know to be dear and true into chaos. For instance, I thought that I officially lost my virginity back in '81. But it turns out now...I only dimpled the chad." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart, appearing on the Late Show with David Letterman
"I think they should settle it like they do everything in Florida by local custom, which, as you know, is the hot buns contest." —Jon Stewart, on Letterman
"Haiti did a better election than us. Didn't we put their government in place?. In the '70s they were ruled by a cardboard cut-out of Lee Majors." —Jon Stewart, on Letterman
"Palm Beach county is the county causing all the problems. And it's old Jews, let's face it, these are my people. And they are people that are, I'm sorry to say, used to being able to send things back." —Jon Stewart, on Letterman
"The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'" —Bill Maher
"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." —George W. Bush
Gore "is like a character in a film who is promised in marriage to a beautiful girl but loses at the last minute in favor of the hero." —Woody Allen, writing in Le Monde
"The usual case would have been for Dick Cheney to go to all the funerals and George Bush to do all the work. But it's turning out the other way around. Cheney needs a patients' bill of rights." —Rahm Emanuel, former Clinton adviser.
"He struggles to exude authority. He furrows his brow, trying to look more sagacious, but he ends up looking as if he has indigestion. Appearing confused at his own speech, he seems like a first-grade actor in a production of 'James and the Giant Peach.' Are his blinks Morse code for 'Oh, man, don't let that teleprompter break'?" —New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, on George W. Bush
"You've
got Bush and Gore headed to the Supreme Court. You've got George W. Bush's
intelligence will be pitted against Al Gore's honesty. This is more like a case
for small claims court." —Jay
Leno
"Al Gore has said today that despite the setbacks, he is keeping hope alive. And Bush said despite the setbacks, he is keeping Dick Cheney alive." —Jay Leno
"How many of you saw George W. Bush last night on television? George was unveiling his new Presidential 'deer in the headlights' look. George said the outcome was clear. Yeah, it's about as clear as a Robert Downey Jr. urine test." —David Letterman
"George W. Bush is going to put vice presidential hopeful Dick Cheney in charge of the transition. Oh yeah, let's put this guy under more pressure." —David Letterman
"Katherine Harris is in the middle of her 15 minutes of fame. Here's stage one of the 15 minutes of fame: Public ridicule. Stage two: The beauty makeover. Stage three: Posing nude for Playboy. Stage four: Becoming Mrs. Larry King." —David Letterman
"The latest is George W. Bush seems to have won the overseas vote. Which just goes to prove that the further you live from the U.S., the better he looks." —Jay Leno
"I can report that when they got in there today they didn't find any pregnant chads at all." —Dick Cheney, joking about his surgery following a mild heart attack
"It gives me a chance to be around people who are younger than I am ... kind of keeps me going, gets my juices going." —President Clinton, discussing plans to be involved in the Internet after his presidency
“I’m Madeleine Albright, secretary of State of this United States. And please don’t say anything about my makeup.” —Albright, at a luncheon, alluding to the extensive discourse about Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris’s liberal use of makeup
"He got mugged, and the local Cops don't give a damn." —Hunter S. Thompson, on Al Gore and the Florida vote
"People in Florida are going hungry on this Thanksgiving. Turns out many people couldn't break the skin on their turkeys." —Jay Leno
"Just when you thought our electoral spectacle could not get more surreal, labyrinthine, incestuous and conspiratorial, we now have Jeb's legislature joining W.'s lawsuit before Daddy's old Supreme Court." —Maureen Dowd, writing in the New York Times
"Did anyone see the Florida Supreme Court hearing yesterday? The judges kept asking the same question over and over again, are you sure you want either of these guys to be elected?" —David Letterman
"It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup." —Jay Leno
"The Democrats have a new plan. They are going to send Clinton to Florida to hit on Katherine Harris." —David Letterman
"News out of Florida — turns out the ballots in Dade County, some of them are from people that live in Dade County." —David Letterman
"In a Time magazine article, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying, 'I was the mother of a president for 30 minutes. I loved it.' This came as new information to many who thought she was the mother of a president for four years." —from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Clinton visited Vietnam this week, and to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls." —from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"On Thursday, Hillary (Clinton) arrived in Vietnam, where she was greeted by adoring crowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared her candidacy for mayor of Hanoi." —from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"When asked if officials should consider hanging chads, George W. Bush said, 'Yeah, let's hang him. Who is he? Let's do it.'" —from Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Ask not what your chad can do for you, ask what your chad can do for your country." —Sam Donaldson
"Al Gore keeps saying that the will of the people is being repressed. Neither Bush or Gore won. Now isn't that the will of the people?" —David Letterman
"This election may be decided by overseas absentee ballots. Now, I say that ain't fair. Those people should have to come back to the country and suffer with the rest of us before they can vote!" —Jay Leno
"Al Gore made a proposal to George W. Bush last night to end this thing. Bush was stunned and called an emergency meeting with his imaginary Cabinet." —David Letterman
"Lots of people are making fun of Katherine Harris, the Florida secretary of state. They're mainly making fun of her makeup, saying she doesn't know how to apply eye shadow or put on blush. This is just coming from Al Gore!" —Jay Leno
"Though my plans at the moment are vague, I assure you that I'll never run for Senate in New York" —Laura Bush
"They're still counting absentee ballots in some places. Know how slow it is to count these? Well, just today seven votes came in for Michael Dukakis!" —David Letterman
"This is true, by New Mexico law, if there is a tie in the election the candidates have to draw straws or play a game of poker. That's according to New Mexico Secretary of State Pete Rose." —Conan O'Brien
"We've spent over a billion dollars on the election, you know that? We should get our money back. I checked that little box on my taxes, I want my two bucks back. I paid for an election, I didn't get it! —Jay Leno
"Here's my solution to the election. Bush will be the president of the red states and Gore will be president of the blue states. It's over, that's all!" —David Letterman
"The son of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, his son Jeb Junior, he's just 16 years old. Turns out last month he was found in a parking lot naked with a girl. I'm thinking this might be the Bush with presidential material." —David Letterman
"Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S." — headline in The Onion
"If the recounts don't stop, here's my fear — sooner or later there's going to be a winner." —Late Show host David Letterman
"Today 14 missing ballots were found under George W. Bush's Band-Aid." —David Letterman"No hand jobs." —A Bush-backer's T-shirt, protesting hand recounts in Florida
"And the whole Bush family, from Texas, should be boiled in poison oil." —Hunter S. Thompson, closing an ESPN.com sports column with a non-sequitur
"She is acting in the finest tradition of a Soviet commissar." –Gore spokesman Chris Lehane, on Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris's decision to halt manual vote recounting on Tuesday
"They trust the people. We trust machines!" —Bush's new campaign motto, as suggested by Slate's Mickey Kaus
"Should have had a recount in '96, that's all I know." —Former Sen. Bob Dole
"Forrest Chumps. This election's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." —headline in Britain's tabloid Mirror
"The candidates are getting restless. Today George W. Bush said if the results aren't in soon he'd start executing a prisoner every hour!" —Tonight Show host Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the first woman senator from New York. Bill got a little misty eyed at her acceptance speech the other night. Who can blame him, Hillary is a Senator, Monica is a millionaire, and Paula Jones is in Penthouse, all the girls are doing well!" —Jay Leno
"There is still no winner. There is a state of confusion and not knowing in America. So I guess the Bush era has begun." —Politically Incorrect host Bill Maher
"Both candidates are feeling the pressure....Al Gore has been testy with his staff and late today George W. Bush broke down and yelled at his parents, 'You promised!'" —Bill Maher
"In times like this, it really makes you wonder about George W. Bush. Does he understand what's going on? Earlier today down in Austin, George W. Bush held a press conference and demanded a refill." —Late Show host David Letterman
"Calling this whole thing 'Indecision 2000' was at first a bit of a light-hearted jab, perhaps an attempt at humor. We had no idea the people were going to run with that."—Daily Show host Jon Stewart, referring to Comedy Central's year-long coverage of "Indecision 2000"
"As you know, Florida is the lynchpin to the presidency. Florida — home of the wet T-shirt contest." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"So here’s the deal: We have George W. Bush, not the president of the United States; Al W. Gore, not president of the United States — whaddaya say we just leave it that way?” —David Letterman
"Well I guess it looks like Al Gore will win the popular vote...But right now, if current projections are accurate, it looks like George Bush will become president. So the guy who actually got the fewer votes wins. Isn't that what Slobodan Milosevic tried to do in Yugoslavia?" –Jay Leno "George W. Bush — very nervous about this whole thing. He was up all night waiting for that call. Now he knows how those death row inmates feel." –David Letterman"This ballot is fuzzy." —Jesse Jackson, on the controversial ballot in Palm Beach, Florida
"You don't have to get snippy about it." —Al Gore to George W. Bush after calling to retract his concession
"Let me explain something. Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this." —Al Gore to George W. Bush
"If those two boys can't make up their minds ... well ... then ... I'll just stay" —President Clinton
"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach." —one of many Dan Ratherisms from election night
"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." —Ambrose Bierce
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