| The 25 Funniest Quotes of 2004 | |
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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman #25:
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." —California Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger, on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing
President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention #24: "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio." —CBS Anchor Dan Rather to Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart, on election night (Read more Ratherisms) #23:
"The only politician in America I know with a mandate is Jim McGreevey."
—Democratic strategist James Carville #22:
"It's been a little tough to prepare for the debates, because he keeps
changing his positions, especially on the war. I think he could spend 90 minutes
debating himself." —President Bush, on Sen. John Kerry (Read
more Bush quotes) #21:
"The big hang-up was George Bush wanted to get life lines, you know, so he
could call somebody." —Sen. John Kerry, on negotiations over the
presidential debates, during an appearance on "Live With Regis and
Kelly." #20:
"I think it was his battery. I think tomorrow, before the debate, John
Kerry ought to pat him down." —Sen. John Edwards, after Jay Leno asked him
about Bush's mystery
bulge during the first presidential debate, which some speculated might have
been a radio transmitter to feed him answers through an earpiece #19: "I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality." --President Bush #18:
"Can't you see it now? Cheney saying, 'You need me on that wall! You need
me on that wall!' And me saying, 'You can't handle the truth!'" —Sen. John
Edwards, after "Regis & Kelly" host Kelly Ripa suggested Tom
Cruise could play Edwards in a movie of the 2004 campaign #17:
"I guess the president and you and I are three examples of lucky people who
married up. And some would say maybe me more so than others." —Sen. John
Kerry, during the third presidential debate #16: "This is the man who wants to be the Commander in Chief of our U.S. Armed Forces? U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?" —Sen. Zell Miller, attacking Sen. John Kerry in his GOP convention speech #15: "Well, here's an update. Since the election, that gay couple I knew in the red states? They've moved back to the blue states." —Sen.-elect Barack Obama, joking about his Democratic Convention speech, in which he said that "we coach Little League in the blue states and we have some gay friends in the red states" #14: "I would like to apologize for
referring to George W. Bush as a 'deserter.' What I meant to say is that George
W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar and a
functional illiterate. And he poops his pants." —Filmmaker
Michael Moore #13:
"You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as
you are on any show." —"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, bitchslapping
Tucker Carlson during an interview on CNN's "Crossfire" #12:
"They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but
tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'"
—Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on
"Crossfire" #11:
"Kerry said about Tora Bora, 'I think we've been smart. I think
administration leadership has done well, and we are on the right track.' End
quote. All I can say is that I am George W. Bush, and I approve of that
message." —President Bush #10:
"People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex
appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the
job?'" —Vice President Dick Cheney #9:
"I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances,
running for re-election. But you know the old saying: you win some, you lose
some. And then there's that little-known third category. I didn't come here
tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don't want you to think I lie awake
at night counting and recounting sheep. I prefer to focus on the future because
I know from my own experience that America is a land of opportunity, where every
little boy and girl has a chance to grow up and win the popular vote." —Former
Vice President Al
Gore, at the Democratic Convention #8:
"If Barbara gets her hands on John Kerry, he might get another Purple
Heart." —Former President Bush, on the political attacks on his son #7: "It
really gets me when the critics say I haven't done enough for the economy,"
he said. "I mean, look what I've done for the book publishing industry.
You've heard some of the titles. 'Big Lies,' 'The Lies of George W. Bush,' 'The
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.' I'd like to tell you I've read each of
these books, but that'd be a lie." —President Bush, at the White House
Correspondents Dinner #6: "I forgot out
there on the stage to thank my cast. So if I could do that now, I want to thank
Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumsfeld. I thought the love
scene between Cheney and Rumsfeld brought a tear to my eye." —Michael
Moore, after winning the top prize at the Cannes film festival for his
documentary film "Fahrenheit 9/11" #5: "I wanted
to say to Governor Dean, don't be hard on yourself about hooting and hollering.
If I had spent the money you did and got 18 percent, I'd still be in Iowa
hooting and hollering." —Rev. Al Sharpton #4:
"The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions — for tax
cuts and against them, for NAFTA and against NAFTA, for the Patriot Act and
against the Patriot Act, in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And
that's just one senator from Massachusetts." —President Bush #3:
"Did the training wheels fall off?" —Sen.
John Kerry, after being told by reporters that President Bush took a tumble
during a bike ride #2:
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be
economic girlie men!" —California
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the Republican convention #1:
"I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed
with scraps. Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of
the United States?" —Sen. John McCain ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Next Page > The 25 Dumbest Quotes of 2004 Did we miss a funny quote? Send it to politicalhumor.guide@about.com Related
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