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The 25 Funniest Quotes of 2004
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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

#25: "Well, there was no sex for 14 days." —California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

#24: "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio." —CBS Anchor Dan Rather to Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart, on election night (Read more Ratherisms)

#23: "The only politician in America I know with a mandate is Jim McGreevey." —Democratic strategist James Carville, on the former governor of New Jersey, who announced he was gay

#22: "It's been a little tough to prepare for the debates, because he keeps changing his positions, especially on the war. I think he could spend 90 minutes debating himself." —President Bush, on Sen. John Kerry (Read more Bush quotes)

#21: "The big hang-up was George Bush wanted to get life lines, you know, so he could call somebody." —Sen. John Kerry, on negotiations over the presidential debates, during an appearance on "Live With Regis and Kelly."

#20: "I think it was his battery. I think tomorrow, before the debate, John Kerry ought to pat him down." —Sen. John Edwards, after Jay Leno asked him about Bush's mystery bulge during the first presidential debate, which some speculated might have been a radio transmitter to feed him answers through an earpiece  

#19: "I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality." --President Bush

#18: "Can't you see it now? Cheney saying, 'You need me on that wall! You need me on that wall!' And me saying, 'You can't handle the truth!'" —Sen. John Edwards, after "Regis & Kelly" host Kelly Ripa suggested Tom Cruise could play Edwards in a movie of the 2004 campaign

#17: "I guess the president and you and I are three examples of lucky people who married up. And some would say maybe me more so than others." —Sen. John Kerry, during the third presidential debate (Read more Kerry quotes)

#16: "This is the man who wants to be the Commander in Chief of our U.S. Armed Forces? U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?" —Sen. Zell Miller, attacking Sen. John Kerry in his GOP convention speech

#15: "Well, here's an update. Since the election, that gay couple I knew in the red states? They've moved back to the blue states." Sen.-elect Barack Obama, joking about his Democratic Convention speech, in which he said that "we coach Little League in the blue states and we have some gay friends in the red states"

#14: "I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a 'deserter.' What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants." —Filmmaker Michael Moore

#13: "You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show." —"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, bitchslapping Tucker Carlson during an interview on CNN's "Crossfire" (Watch video)

#12: "They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'" —Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

#11: "Kerry said about Tora Bora, 'I think we've been smart. I think administration leadership has done well, and we are on the right track.' End quote. All I can say is that I am George W. Bush, and I approve of that message." —President Bush

#10: "People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?'" —Vice President Dick Cheney

#9: "I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances, running for re-election. But you know the old saying: you win some, you lose some. And then there's that little-known third category. I didn't come here tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don't want you to think I lie awake at night counting and recounting sheep. I prefer to focus on the future because I know from my own experience that America is a land of opportunity, where every little boy and girl has a chance to grow up and win the popular vote." —Former Vice President Al Gore, at the Democratic Convention

#8: "If Barbara gets her hands on John Kerry, he might get another Purple Heart." —Former President Bush, on the political attacks on his son

#7: "It really gets me when the critics say I haven't done enough for the economy," he said. "I mean, look what I've done for the book publishing industry. You've heard some of the titles. 'Big Lies,' 'The Lies of George W. Bush,' 'The Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.' I'd like to tell you I've read each of these books, but that'd be a lie." President Bush, at the White House Correspondents Dinner

#6: "I forgot out there on the stage to thank my cast. So if I could do that now, I want to thank Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumsfeld. I thought the love scene between Cheney and Rumsfeld brought a tear to my eye." Michael Moore, after winning the top prize at the Cannes film festival for his documentary film "Fahrenheit 9/11"

#5: "I wanted to say to Governor Dean, don't be hard on yourself about hooting and hollering. If I had spent the money you did and got 18 percent, I'd still be in Iowa hooting and hollering." —Rev. Al Sharpton

#4: "The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions — for tax cuts and against them, for NAFTA and against NAFTA, for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act, in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts." —President Bush

#3: "Did the training wheels fall off?" —Sen. John Kerry, after being told by reporters that President Bush took a tumble during a bike ride

#2: "To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" —California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the Republican convention

#1: "I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps. Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?" —Sen. John McCain

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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The 25 Dumbest Quotes of 2004
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The 10 Dumbest Quotes of Campaign 2004
The 10 Funniest Quotes of Campaign 2004
The 10 Dumbest Quotes of 2003
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Best Humor of 2004

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