| Howard Dean Jokes | |||||||||||||
| Late-Night Jokes About Howard Dean | |||||||||||||
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman "This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power." —Jon Stewart "Earlier today former Vermont Governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee -- no word on who will be the neck." —Amy Poehler "How about that Howard Dean? He dropped out of the Democratic presidential race. He gathered all of his supporters in Wisconsin and he gave a moving, reflecting, vein-popping farewell speech." —David Letterman "Howard Dean dropped out. Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." —Craig Kilborn "Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard." —Jay Leno "Political experts are calling Howard Dean's campaign the biggest political collapse, I guess, since Bob Dole ran out of Viagra." —Jay Leno "Dean spent over $40 million to win the primary. All that money didn't win. It's amazing. It's like the New York Yankees of politics." —Jay Leno "Over and over, Howard Dean reiterated he never kowtowed to special interest groups like, say voters." —Craig Kilborn "Today was the Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard Dean is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That must be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the race. What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno "Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!" —Jay Leno "Dean urged voters in Wisconsin to ignore the polls and choose the strongest candidate to beat President Bush. His supporters gave the speech a huge ovation and then immediately switched their votes to Kerry." —Dennis Miller "Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did." —Dennis Miller "Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators." —David Letterman "I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone." —Craig Kilborn "Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging." —Jay Leno "I don't know what you think about Howard Dean. I think I'm going to vote for him. I miss hearing screaming coming from the Oval Office." —Craig Kilborn "Seriously, I'm starting to worry about Howard Dean. Earlier today, he was debating Dennis Kucinich and he head-butted him." —David Letterman "God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear." —David Letterman "Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight." —Craig Kilborn "Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'" —Jay Leno "Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh my God! Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting mad Dean disease. I'm no pundit but it's always a bad sign when at the end of your speech, your aide is shooting you with a tranquilizer gun." —Jay Leno "Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay Leno "Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard — cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman "Howard Dean has been the front-runner and last night he finishes a distant third. Here's what happened: the people of Iowa realized they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad." —David Letterman "Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'" —Conan O'Brien "Howard Dean finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as Britney Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn "Howard Dean, long time Democratic front-runner finally introduced his wife on the campaign. I'm telling you, this makes the Clintons look close." —David Letterman "John Kerry, Joe Lieberman and Dick Gephardt all agree that the capture of Saddam Hussein was a great thing. But now, they say we have to keep our eyes focused on the real enemy, Howard Dean." —Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein interrogators said Saddam appears delusional, grandiose and thinks he still can be elected president. I'm sorry that's not Saddam, that's Howard Dean." —Craig Kilborn "Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman "Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top." —Jay Leno "Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush." —David Letterman "Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles, well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance, and policy flip-flops, and campaign glitches. Well, there's a lot going on here." —Jon Stewart "General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections." —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy — but now I know this guy is presidential material." —David Letterman "The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes." —Jay Leno "Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the 'Hardball' show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left." —Jay Leno "In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." —David Letterman "In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight — he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." —Jay Leno "Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now." —Jay Leno "While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget — all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy." —Jon Stewart "It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course, Dean's success could be contributed to his Web site: www.wetboobies." —Conan O'Brien "Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's presidential campaign is handing out tongue depressors to volunteers with his name on them. Wasn't that Clinton's trick?" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Read more jokes about the 2004 Democratic presidential hopefuls Related Links |
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