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Submitted
by Comedy Writer Jake Novak
For
Novak's Bush/Cheney jokes, click here.
McGreevey Reaction
After yesterday's shocking announcement, Republicans were quick to note the
similarities connecting Governor McGreevey to John Kerry. Jim McGreevey
has married two women just to cover the fact that he's gay, and John Kerry
has married two women just to cover the fact that he's not a good fundraiser.
Edwards Speech
Last night Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards promised to get all
Americans a chance at higher education... which could only mean he plans on
suing every college in the country.
Edwards Anniversary
As they do every year, Mr. and Mrs. John Edwards celebrated their wedding
anniversary at Wendy's this week. It's not because they can't afford
better; it's just that they wanted to recruit a few more plaintiffs for a big
obesity lawsuit.
Kerry Picks Edwards
John Kerry has chosen fellow Senator John Edwards as his running mate, and it
was a very difficult choice. That's because when he heard Edwards would help get
him votes and had a personal fortune of more than $50 million, Kerry couldn't
decide whether to put him on the ticket or marry him.
"I Robot" a Hit
The sci-fi thriller "I Robot," starring Will Smith topped the box
office with its stunning tale of how stiff, but somewhat lifelike automatons try
to take over the world. Of Course, half the people paying to see the film
thought it was about the Kerry campaign.
Iacocca Backs Kerry
Former Chrysler chief Lee Iacocca says he's backing John Kerry for president
because he says, "Kerry will level with the American people."
Iacocca's endorsement is expected to make a big difference, because if there's
anyone who Americans trust with judging honesty, it's a former car salesman.
Kerry Vote
John Kerry rushed back to the Senate yesterday for a vote, only to see the
Republicans reschedule it for a later date. An angry Kerry remarked that it was
the most time he's wasted since he dated a woman for a whole month and it turned
out she only had $50 million.
Kerry's
Plan
In a new campaign ad, John Kerry says he has a plan to eliminate most of the
paperwork required for medical care while cutting costs at the same time.
He's starting by giving himself all his own Botox injections from now on.
Kerry
Reacts
All the attention on President Reagan's death is boosting George Bush's poll
numbers and delighting Republicans. Now
John Kerry is doing the only thing he can to boost his poll numbers and make
Republicans happy at the same time -- he's having President Carter killed.
Shrek 2 Box Office
"Shrek 2" took in more
than $125 million over the weekend. There won't be that many people watching an
ogre and jackass until John Kerry chooses a running mate.
Kerry
Plan
John Kerry says he wants to increase the size of the armed forces by 40,000
people. But there will actually be
millions of Americans ready to take up arms if Kerry is elected in November.
Kerry
Promise
John Kerry is promising that if elected President, he'll work to keep nuclear
weapons out of the world's most volatile hands. Of course, he's already done that by defeating Howard Dean in the
primaries.
Clinton
on Kerry
Former President Bill Clinton says he thinks John Kerry is running an excellent
campaign so far. Mostly because
Kerry's been running for six months and he hasn't even sexually harassed one
woman yet!
Kerry
Decision
Despite the advantages it would have given him in campaign spending, John Kerry
has decided not to delay accepting his inevitable nomination at the Democratic
National Convention next month. Luckily
for Kerry, he still gets to take in new campaign donations by delaying his
inevitable defeat until November.
War
Plans
President Bush continues to face heavy criticism for his handling of the
situation in Iraq. But John Kerry
insists he has a solid plan to end the fighting...in Vietnam.
Dean
& Kerry Express
John Kerry is focusing on healthcare today as he campaigns with former rival
Howard Dean. Dean will make some speeches, but more importantly he'll serve as a
stark example of what can happen when you can't afford to buy prescription
psychiatric drugs.
Kerry
Medal Flap
Republicans are attacking John Kerry for throwing away his Vietnam War combat
medals at an anti-war protest. But
the Kerry campaign is insisting he wasn't throwing them away, he was throwing
them at Jane Fonda's head.
Roulette Spin
A
man walked away from a Las Vegas casino this weekend with $270,000 after betting
all his possessions, including his clothes, on one spin of the roulette wheel. Now he's going to take an even bigger gamble by voting for John Kerry in
November.
Related Links
• John Kerry Humor
• Kerry
Late-Night Jokes
• George W. Bush Jokes
• Today's
Late-Night Jokes
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