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| 2004 Late-Night Joke Archive | Email This Page to a Friend | |||||||||||||||||||
See Also: Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Jokes for the Weeks of Dec. 19-Jan. 1 "Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno "In Cuba, Fidel Castro says that they have found a drilling site in Cuba with 100 million barrels of oil. Boy, how long before Bush says, 'People of Cuba, we are here to free you! You will no longer live under oppression and tyranny.'" --Jay Leno "Here in New York, thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there said it was just like the Republican Convention, but with black people." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush said he doesn't really celebrate New Year's Eve and plans on being in bed by 9:30. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton says she does celebrate New Year's Eve and plans on being in bed by 9:30." --Conan O'Brien "Secretary of State Colin Powell will push the button to drop the ball in Times Square, which seems kind of odd -- usually when someone drops the ball in New York, he's wearing a Mets cap." --Jay Leno "As you know, Time magazine has named President Bush 'Person of the Year' -- quite an honor. Although I'm not sure Bush understands it. Like he said today, he can't decide if he wants the free travel alarm clock or the tote bag." --Jay Leno "You know who else was being considered -- this is absolutely true -- Michael Moore, guy who did 'Fahrenheit 9/11.' Michael Moore was also being considered Time's 'Person of the Year.' Unfortunately, he couldn't fit on the cover." --Jay Leno "President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as 'Person of the Year' by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine." --Conan O'Brien "Things are not looking good for Donald Rumsfeld. First Sen. John McCain said he had no confidence in him. Now Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf said he's angry at Rumsfeld for not providing soldiers in Iraq with the proper armor. In fact, Rumsfeld has screwed up so badly, President Bush might have to give him one of those Medal of Freedom awards." --Jay Leno "Today's USA Today features an editorial by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defending the war in Iraq. You can tell it was written by Rumsfeld because the opening line of the editorial is 'shut your pie hole and listen.'" --Conan O'Brien "The international space station is running low on food. They asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about this. And Rumsfeld said, you go to space with the food you've got, not the food you want." --David Letterman "President Bush said that he is standing by Rumsfeld. And you know what that means, he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman "The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill." --Jay Leno "The University of Arkansas has bought the house that Bill Clinton grew up in and plans to make it into a museum. The university has also bought the doghouse that Bill spent most of the '90s in." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush began making cuts in the federal budget. And to help out, the Bush twins are switching to Rite Aid vodka." --David Letterman "A lot of Americans are worried now. They say they can't rely on Social Security anymore. And you know something, they're right. If you want the government to pay for your housing and your food and your medical bills until your 80 or 90 years old you're just going to have to kill somebody and go live on death row because that's the only way it's going to happen." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, I received a Christmas card from Donald Rumsfeld in the mail. Would have been nice if he had actually signed it." --David Letterman "Now here is the latest on Social Security. It looks like Donald Rumsfeld is about to start collecting it." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to President George Bush, named Time magazine's 'Person of the Year.' And, of course, when he heard the news he was stunned. Bush said, 'I don't even subscribe to Time magazine.' ... I still don't think Bush quite gets it. Today he was asking people, 'So where is Ed McMahon with my big check?" --Jay Leno "President Bush got man of the year and in a related story John Kerry got a free copy of Entertainment Weekly." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Dec. 12-18 "At his annual physical last week, the president found out he has gained six pounds over the last year and he has pledged to loose the weight as soon as possible. So, finding Osama bin Laden gets pushed even further down the to-do list." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "It was reported that while at the White House Christmas party first daughter Barbara Bush smashed her head on the dance floor when a friend she was dancing with dipped her to low. That friend -- Captain Morgan." --Amy Poehler, "Weekend Update" "Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs to his motorcade. You know it's not going to work though because he's going to get out to see what they're all looking at." --Amy Poehler "In his speech last night President Bush said this nation should never settle for mediocrity. Then he let Dick Cheney finish the speech." --Jay Leno "Bill Clinton was walking through Central Park this week and a crowd gathered and began to ask him questions. And some one interrupted and said 'You were an embarrassment to the office of commander and chief.' Clinton fought right back and said 'Honey can we save this till we get home.'" --Jay Leno "The first lady has had her staff put up 41 Christmas trees. Or, as President Bush said, one for each state." --Conan O'Brien "The Bush administration is now sponsoring a two day economic summit in D.C. One of the panels is focusing on jobs in the 21st century. Of course that panel is in India." --Jay Leno "I am not sure if President Bush fully grasps this issue. Like he was asked today if he has any plans to make the dollar stronger? And he said we were thinking of making it two-ply." --Jay Leno "How bout that Bernard Kerik, former police commissioner who was gonna be the head of Homeland Security. You know I think he would be a great Homeland Security director. He's had three wives and two mistresses. I mean he's used to fighting terrorism." --David Letterman "President Bush Awarded the Medal of Freedom to former CIA director George Tenet. Remember the country went to war on his absolute guarantee that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction -- a 'slam dunk.' Of course, it turned out that the information was completely wrong. And today Dan Rather asked 'Hey, where is my medal?' " --Jay Leno "Bernard Kerik says he is sorry he'll not be able to be head of Homeland Security. He said with a wife and two mistresses he just doesn't have the time. ... He hired a nanny that may have been an illegal alien. He had a number of mistresses and may have had mob ties. That makes you feel secure! I mean, we can't even do a background check on the guy who is supposed to be in charge of background checks. " --Jay Leno "Turns out Bernard Kerik had three wives, two mistresses and several girlfriends and every cent he earned was for Viagra." --David Letterman "One reason the Bernard Kerik nomination looked good is Democrats like Hillary Clinton praised him. Hillary thought he would do a good job. That's unusual -- Hillary looking the other way for a guy who's been fooling with his wife." --Jay Leno "One of President Bush's daughters, Jenna, is going to teach at a public school in DC. She is going to probably teach English. In a related story, Dick Cheney's daughter is going to teach phys ed." --Jay Leno "President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend and Dick Cheney had his annual autopsy. The doctor told Bush his health was A-okay and Bush told him flat out 'Don't give me all the medical jargon. Give it to me in terms I can understand.'" --Jay Leno "The trade deficit swelled to an all time high of $55.5 billion. Do you know what our number one export is now? National Guard troops." --Jay Leno "The Army gives free breast implants to our female soldiers. We don't have enough armor for our troops but we can give them breast implants. I say we make the implants out of kevlar so then they can be out on the front lines" --Jay Leno "Adhering to his Special Olympics approach to his administration, President Bush awarded George Tenet, Paul Bremer and Tommy Franks the nation's highest civilian honor yesterday -- the Presidential Medal of Freedom"” --Jon Stewart "This is the six-year anniversary of Bill Clinton's impeachment. I think we all know where we were when we heard that he was being impeached. And I know where he was -- he was at his desk in the oval office having sex." --David Letterman "The Bernard Kerik scandal is getting worse and worse. Since Kerik withdrew from his Homeland Security Director nomination it has been revealed that he has had a secret marriage, two mistresses and worked for a mafia-related company. As a result Kerik has been given a role on 'Desperate House Wives.'" --Conan O'Brien "I am sure you heard about President Bush's nominee for Secretary of Homeland Security -- Bernard Kerik -- has withdrawn his name because of nanny problems. But the New York Daily News says no no, they say he cheated on his wife, then he cheated on his mistress and then he cheated on his mistress with another women. Now Bush thinks secretly he may be a Democrat." --Jay Leno "President Bush has announced that our new Energy Secretary will be Sam Bodman. Boy I hope he can fill the charisma void left by Spencer Abraham." --David Letterman "Things are going very well for President Bush. He passed his physical. No word yet on his mental." --David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Dec. 5-11 "Former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was President Bush's nominee to be the next Homeland Security chief, abruptly withdrew his name from the nomination on Friday. So President Bush stubbornly insists on going back to his original choice -- Superman." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "The Anti-Defamation League is upset with Bill O'Reilly for suggesting to a Jewish caller that if he is offended by Christian attempts to convert him he should go back to Israel. Then he asked the caller what he was wearing." --Amy Poehler "John Kerry announced today that he will go to Iraq next month. I guess he heard they are having presidential elections." --Jay Leno "This week Jay Z was named president of the Def Jam record label. Sorry John Kerry." --Amy Poehler "In one of Washington's great ironies, President Bush has passed the intelligence bill. It is kind of like Bill Clinton passing a celibacy bill." --Jay Leno "Over in Kuwait Donald Rumsfeld held a question answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq. One soldier asked him a really tough question, it was kind of embarrassing. He asked why don't we have proper armor for our vehicles. The guy who asked the question was Army Specialist Thomas Wilson. I'm sorry, Latrine Specialist Thomas Wilson. He has been re-assigned." --Jay Leno Jon Stewart: "Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem? Clip: Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of production and capability to do it."] Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you soldiers driving with no armor get it? Mass times velocity squared equals force. Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy. Clip: Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have not the Army you might want or wish to have." Stewart: "Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in occasionally." "Today the Supreme Court in Canada ruled in favor of gay marriage, to which President Bush said, 'Whooo! I got out of there just in time!' Now you can say 'I am gay, eh?" --Jay Leno "President Bush visited with soldiers yesterday in an effort to f*ck up morale. I'm sorry, that's buck up morale. ... [Video of President Bush: 'Today's war on terror will not end with a ceremony on the deck of a battleship.'] Mr. President, if you're asking me not to trust ceremonies on the deck of battleships, I'm way ahead of you." --Jon Stewart "There is good news back home. Congress finally signed a bill approving a bill completely reorganizing America's intelligence community. And all is took was three years of nagging from grieving 9/11 widows. Cause you know, it was a back burner thing for Congress. It ain't Freedom Fries, people." --Jon Stewart "Donald Rumsfeld held a question and answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq and one soldier asked why a lot of their vehicles still don't have the proper armor and Rumsfeld said, 'You go to war with the army you have. Not the armor your wish for.' And then he got into his armored car and drove away." --Jay Leno "Note to Donald Rumsfeld, you might want to cancel the next question and answer session with the troops. Unlike our media, they ask real questions apparently." --Jay Leno "Senator John McCain thinks that congress may have to step in to control the use of steroids in sports. The Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agrees. Is this congress’ number one priority now? Baseball players. Did we win the war? How about global warming. Have we fixed that already?" --Jay Leno "President Bush was in California today. He was addressing the troops at Camp Pendelton. While there Bush took a moment to thank all the people in California who voted for him. That is all it took; a moment." --Jay Leno "Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson resigned from President Bush's cabinet. In his resignation speech he said he can't understand why terrorists haven't attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do. He also said the rear kitchen door to the White House is always left unlocked, the guard at the Statue of Liberty falls asleep at 3 am, oh and Bush's likes to sleep with the window open." --Jay Leno "President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards." --Jay Leno "After an attack at the American consulate, Saudi Arabia has renew their fight against terrorism, and they're serious, this time they may actually stop funding them." --Jay Leno "The president and Laura Bush sent a record two million Christmas cards. One for each resigning member of his cabinet." --Jay Leno "Tommy Thompson, the Secretary of Human Health and Human services has resigned. And when he resigned he said, 'I can't understand why terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it's so easy to do.' And today Osama Bin Laden said, 'Tommy thanks for the tip.'" --Jay Leno "President Bush has now nominated Bernard Kerik to be the next Secretary of Homeland Security. Kerik is a former prison warden. See Bush wanted him around to make sure no one else in the cabinet tries to escape." --Jay Leno "President Bush announced that the new head of Homeland security is Bernard Kerik, the former New York City police commissioner. You can actually tell he's a New Yorker because now the color coded warning system will go from green, to yellow to orange to forget about it" --Conan O'Brien ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Nov. 28-Dec.4 "Last night over at NBC our good friend Tom Brokaw stepped down. Out of habit President Bush accepted his resignation." --David Letterman "Earlier tonight they had the national lighting of the Christmas tree. They threw the switch and the tree came to life. And apparently it worked so well they are going to try the same thing with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman "The president sent out 2 million Christmas cards whereas President Clinton only sent out a half a million. But to be fair President Clinton did send out five million valentine cards." --Jay Leno "As you know Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge has resigned. He has not said what he wants to do yet but is sure it will have something to do with colors. He is talking to crayola right now." --Jay Leno "Last week, CBS anchor Dan Rather announced he’ll be retiring soon, and he seems to be getting a head start on his inevitable journey into insanity. He told the Hollywood Reporter that the ghost of legendary newsman Edward R. Murrow haunts the third floor, that he has spoken to the ghost, and that the ghost is watching over them – except for when that fake National Guard document showed up. Either that or it’s Lesley Stahl in a sheet trying to scare him into retirement. He also keeps calling Demi Moore with messages from Patrick Swayze. Now that I know he’s seeing ghosts – I want him to stick around forever! 'In Fallujah today – hold on, I’m getting a message from Casper.'" --Jimmy Kimmel "Elsewhere overseas, the invasion of and continued presence in Iraq still evokes passionate response. Witness this demonstration Tuesday, an angry mob shouting anti-U.S. slogans and toppling a statue of President Bush in a public square in the rouge nation of -- Canada. ... The angriest thing to come out of Canada in the last 20 years was Bare Naked Ladies." --Jon Stewart "Tom Ridge told friends he is resigning so he can go into the public sector to make more money. Finally a Republican acting like a Republican. That is an honest man. None of this crap about spending more time with my family. Forget red and orange, I want to see some green." --Jay Leno "NAACP president Kweisi Mfume announced that he is stepping down as head of the NAACP. President Bush issued a statement about it today saying that this shows what a great country this is, when a black man can rise to the head of the NAACP." --Jay Leno "A writer in the New York Times, a noted historian, was talking about Bill Clinton's legacy and said that Bill Clinton was at his best when his back was to the wall. Well Monica could have told them that." --Jay Leno You can really tell when the Republicans have taken over. You know who the new head of the NAACP is? Trent Lott." --Jay Leno "Bush is visiting Canada today. It is the first time he has visited
since he took office in 2001. He said he was sorry it took so long but this
would complete his goal of visiting all 50 states. Actually Bush was going to go
to Canada in '68 but then his dad got him into the National Guard." --Jay
Leno "President Bush is up in Canada to mend U.S./Canadian relations and pick up some discount Lipitor for Cheney." --David Letterman "When President Bush's parents heard he was going to Canada they asked if he could pick up some cheap proscription drugs." --Jay Leno "Down in Washington, Christmas is exciting because it's our nation's capitol and the White House. They have it all decorated. Beautiful! Quite a sight. A big huge 20-foot tree, 200 glass balls, 75 tinsel garlands and 50 resignations." --David Letterman "The Ukraine has now declared a winner in their presidential election, but the European Union says it is not legitimate. The give away was when the winner Viktor Yushchenko thanked his brother Jeb Yushchenko." --Jay Leno "Here's a late breaking bulletin from the Bush White House -- the White House Christmas tree has submitted its resignation." --David Letterman "Earlier today the president has called on all Americans to do volunteer work. For example -- National Guard service" --David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Nov. 21-27 "Dan Rather announced he was leaving. President Bush said, 'I didn't even know he was in my cabinet.'" --Jay Leno "Dan Rather said stepping down was the hardest thing he ever had to announce in his career. Actually the second hardest. The hardest thing he had to announce: Bush being re-elected." --Jay Leno "Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That's kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying." --Jay Leno "George Bush said today he was very sorry to hear that Dan Rather was leaving and then he said, 'By the way Dan, those National Guard documents…they were real!'" --Jay Leno "Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." --Jay Leno "New York Governor George Pataki might be the next Director of Homeland Security. He’s at home right now memorizing the color chart." --David Letterman"President Bush has asked for a 50 percent increase in the number of spies and intelligence at the CIA. Apparently he’s not getting enough memos to ignore." --David Letterman "Dan Rather announced today that he's stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it's not official." --Jay Leno "He uses all those Texas expressions. He said 'He'd leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.' What does that mean?" --Jay Leno"Dan Rather announced that he's stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, 'I'm Dan Rather and you can all bite me." --Jay Leno "There is political talk of amending the constitution so that Arnold Schwarzenegger could be president. The Democrats are against it. First they want the constitution changed so a Democrat can be president again." --Jay Leno "The Clinton Library was opened last Thursday. And today the city council in Little Rock voted to shut it down. Turns out, the area is not zoned for adult businesses." --Jay Leno "The Clinton Library is filled with more than 80 million presidential items, many that vibrate." --Jay Leno "There was another White House resignation today -- Laura Bush. That's right. Laura Bush is stepping down. She is going to be replaced by Mary Tyler Moore." --David Letterman "Did you see that melee at the Pacers and Pistons game? There was screaming, shoving, rioting – it was like Arafat’s funeral." --David Letterman It was on this date in 1963 that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. You know when I was growing up, everyone would always say "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Today the new head of the CIA said, "Kennedy has been shot?”--Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Nov. 14-20 "Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and cost seven dollars to get in. On the bright side, every night is ladies' night." --Conan O'Brien "The Clinton library will have one alcove dedicated to the Lewinsky scandal, just like the Oval Office did." --Tina Fahy, Saturday Night Live's "Wekened Update" "We begin today with the only place you're likely to see a Democrat -- a museum." --Jon Stewart, on the dedication of the Clinton Presidential Library "Did you see the library? They said it's really something. They said the most popular attraction is the viewing booth where you pay a quarter and you get to watch." --Jay Leno "You know what today was? The official opening of the Clinton library in Little Rock, Arkansas. You probably saw it on the news. Poured -- nothing but rain, which is kind of ironic because a lot of dresses got ruined." --Jay Leno "There were 4 presidents there, standing side by side. Presidents Carter, Bush I, Clinton and of course George W. Bush. Kind of looked like the 99 cent store version of Mt. Rushmore" --Jay Leno "Not everyone is happy about the library. Some architectural critics say that the library look like a double wide trailer. ... In fact there is even a sign outside that says: 'If the library is rocking don't come a knocking.'" --Conan O'Brien "Al Gore was sitting there. I don't wanna say Al Gore is getting big, but he is sitting there, and when Clinton saw him from behind he said, 'Monica?'" --Jay Leno "Big gossip in Washington today. It's all Bush about kissing his cabinet secretary. First he kissed Condoleezza Rice twice on the cheek. Then he kissed his new education secretary right on the lips. One day Bush goes to the Clinton library and comes back the tongue. Now he is Bush the tongue." --Jay Leno "The opening of the Clinton Presidential Library -- did you hear about this? President Bush was actually there. It was a good day for him. He raised six and half million dollars." --David Letterman "President Bush actually was excited to be there because he had never been to a library before." --David Letterman "Bill Clinton was very excited. What made him very excited was the appearance of Dick Cheney's hot, lesbian daughter." --David Letterman "Tomorrow is the opening of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Yeah, the opening ceremonies will feature speeches by former presidents, a 100-piece orchestra, and a wet T-shirt contest." --Conan O'Brien "Today was the day President Bush was going to pardon the presidential turkey. ... But before he could pardon him, he resigned." --David Letterman "You know what happens to the turkeys who are pardoned every year? They are released to a farm and they live out the rest of their lives on this little farm. Or at least that's what they tell President Bush." --Jay Leno "So Colin Powell has resigned and Condoleezza Rice is replacing him and in 2009, she'll replace Jay Leno." --David Letterman "It's kind of weird. Bush wins the election and everyone is leaving. In fact the Bush twins are being replaced by the Hilton sisters." --David Letterman "Colin Powell said today no one should be surprised that he's leaving. He said throughout his first term, he told President Bush that he always thought he would only serve one term and Bush said, 'Me too'!" --Jay Leno "President Bush announced that he would not be burying any more nuclear waste in Nevada. ... He said he is looking for a new site in a blue state." --David Letterman "Condoleezza Rice brings an impressive resume to her new job. The granddaughter of a cotton farmer, the former provost of Stanford University, she is fluent in four languages, an accomplished classical pianist, and even an expert figure skater. Wow, it seems like the only thing she can't do is make peace with other nations." --Jon Stewart "As the New York Times noted, Rice is the president's closest adviser on foreign policy matters, so close in fact she can even sometimes finish his sentences -- which makes one of them." --Jon Stewart "Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It’s her job to continue to make sure the world hates us." --David Letterman "President Bush announced today that Condoleezza Rice will be replacing Colin Powell as secretary of state. When asked why he was leaving he said, 'I want to see what it's like to be ignored in the private sector.'" --Conan O'Brien "On Thursday down in Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Library opens. The library will have tours. There's a replica of the Oval Office to tour, and then you can visit the Hall of Alibis." --David Letterman "The Clinton Library is state of the art. They have a nice gift shop. You can buy a t-shirt. You can buy a coffee mug. You can also buy condoms with the presidential seal on them." --David Letterman "Here's the latest update on the Palestinian Authority — no one seems to know who’s really in charge, they can’t decide on a strategy, half the factions want to move to the center, the other half want to stay as extremists — I'm sorry, that's the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno "Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically he’s now just a semi-Colin." --Jay Leno "Down in Washington, D.C. today a man tried to climb the fence to the White House. Luckily the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush cabinet members." --David Letterman "A lot of people leaving the Bush administration. Are you like me? It's hard to picture the Bush cabinet without Spencer Abraham." --David Letterman "This Thursday Bill Clinton will dedicate his new presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. They say the Clinton Library will attract more than 300,000 visitors a year. One of the most popular attractions ... you'll be able to ride the mechanical intern." --Jay Leno "Colin Powell and three others resigned today. President Bush said that this proves that he’s winning the war on his own staff." --David Letterman "Secretary of State Colin Powell has submitted his letter of resignation. Actually, he submitted it six months ago, but Bush didn’t get around to reading it until today." --Jay Leno "There was a scary moment over the weekend when Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital for heart problems. Don’t kid yourself, this is serious. Cheney has had four heart attacks ... and for a few minutes Bush was actually in charge." --David Letterman "Kind of a scare this weekend. Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital after experiencing shortness of breath. I guess he panicked when he saw the price of oil going down." --Jay Leno "This just in -- Yasser Arafat is clinging to death... Arafat’s funeral went well. Only 30 people died. ... Mrs. Arafat is so distraught she could barely shop today." --David Letterman "Did you see Arafat's funeral? What a mob scene. I heard they had people flying in from as far as Guantanamo Bay to go to that thing." --Jay Leno"The temporary successor to Arafat, Mahmoud Abbas, escaped a shooting by militants as he was visiting Arafat’s grave. See, that’s why he’s called a 'temporary successor.'" --Jay Leno "President Bush said he will push to have a constitutional amendment stating that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. Bush said this is his mandate to prevent man dates." --Jay Leno "Tony Blair met with President Bush at the White House yesterday. Did you see their press conference? They’re kind of like the before-and-after commercial for Hooked on Phonics." --Jay Leno "Madonna has called for U.S. troops to pull out of Iraq. That shows you times have changed. Remember the old days when people used to call for U.S. troops to pull out of Madonna?" --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton may run for president in 2008. Bill Clinton is so excited about this he’s already interviewing for White House interns." --David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Nov. 7-13 "Yasser Arafat is now dead. Damn, just when the peace process was going so well." --David Letterman "Yasser Arafat died last night. And this time it looks pretty permanent. How many times did he die this week? Like five? Six? He was turning into Kenny on 'South Park.'" --Jay Leno "Many world leaders called Mrs. Arafat to offer their condolences. For example, Vladimir Putin called, Tony Blair called ... and Bill O’Reilly called to see what she was wearing." --David Letterman "Arafat’s wife was seen grieving today in the West Bank. She was also in the Citibank, the Mellon Bank, the Wells Fargo Bank." --Jay Leno "President Bush said today that the United States would be more than willing to help the Palestinians establish their own state ... as long as it’s red. As long as it’s a red state." --Jay Leno "I tell you, first Ashcroft retires, now Arafat dies. This has not been a good week for religious radicals." --Jay Leno "Here’s some good news. It looks like we’re making quick progress over there in Iraq: Today in Fallujah, they banned gay marriage." --Jay Leno "Fallujah is 70 percent under control. To put that into perspective, L.A. is only 60 percent." --Jay Leno "Commerce
Secretary Don Evans resigned. Actually he didn't want to but when your country
has no commerce there isn't much to do." --Jay Leno "John
Kerry is considering running
again in 2008. Then again, he could change his mind." --Jay Leno "Madonna
said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq. Donald
Rumsfeld said, 'No, I think we better wait and hear what Britney Spears has
to say about it first.'" --Jay Leno "Saddam
Hussein says that he doesn't want to be tried by the Iraqi people. He wants
to be tried by the Scott Peterson jury." --Jay Leno "According to Palestinian sources Yasser Arafat is dead but improving." --David Letterman "Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned today. In a note to President Bush, he declared victory over crime and terrorism, so that's good news. No more of that. He told the press he's retiring –- to spend more time wiretapping and interrogating his loved ones." --Jimmy Kimmel "Attorney General John Ashcroft has resigned. He didn't want to resign, but the Bush White House thought he was just too liberal." --Jay Leno "I guess he figured once New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey was gone, his job was done." --Jay Leno "The Governor of New Jersey gave his farewell address yesterday. McGreevey said yesterday he was not going to apologize for being a gay American. He would not apologize for being a gay American. Fair enough. How about just apologizing for being a corrupt American?" --Jay Leno "New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has stepped down. He wants to spend more time embarrassing his family." --David Letterman "Do you remember that guy John Kerry? He was all over the TV like, a week ago, and then he disappeared. He re-emerged today saying he wants to stay involved in politics to counter President Bush, and he even said he’s 'Fired up.' Well, he’s right on one of those two words. You could tell he’s serious though because his facial expression almost changed." --Jimmy Kimmel "As I'm sure you've heard, 'Operation Phantom Fury' is now underway in Iraq. You know, where are we coming up with the names for these missions? 'Phantom Fury'? What is President Bush dipping into his comic book collection now? What’s next 'Operation Green Hornet'?" --Jay Leno "If you saw the footage of Fallujah. Bullets flying through the air. Smoke in the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It's like L.A. only with much cheaper gas." --Jay Leno "The Pentagon said we are making good progress. And that very soon Fallujah will be a red state." --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader has requested a hand recount of all the ballots in New Hampshire. So let me get this straight, John Kerry doesn't demand a recount but Ralph Nader does. Of course the nice thing about a hand recount of all Nader's ballots, you can count them all on one hand." --Jay Leno "I'm sure you know, there’s talk of Hillary Clinton gearing up for 2008. Or as Bill calls her, 'The Polar Express." --Jay Leno "Calls are pouring in from leaders around the world to Mrs. Arafat. French President Jacques Chiraq said he hopes for the best. British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent his regards. And VP Dick Cheney called to ask if Arafat had filled out a heart donor card?" --Jay Leno "McGreevey's three biggest accomplishments were on the environment, improving education, and replacing those hideous drapes in the governor's mansion." --David Letterman "Earlier tonight on CBS it was the 38th Annual Country Music Awards. It was another heartbreaking loss for John Kerry." --David Letterman "The Bush's have a new dog in the White House. The dog is named Miss Beasley. I was thinking the last president also had a dog that licked him under the desk." --David Letterman "Today President Bush thanked those that worked the hardest for his reelection: Ralph Nader and Osama bin Laden." –-Jay Leno "President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." –-David Letterman "You know what’s interesting, at his press conference the other day, President Bush said that he felt that, 'the people have spoken.' And ironically, the people speak better than he does." --Jay Leno "The election is over. That was something crazy wasn’t it? Friends of John Kerry are worried because today he went on one last duck hunt in Ohio." –-David Letterman "Let me tell ya, you gotta feel bad for John Kerry. Just think he came this close to finally getting his own house." --Jay Leno "Are you all finally over the election? I tell you last week was a tough week especially if you are a gay, pro-choice stem cell." –Jay Leno "Here's a brief update on Yasser Arafat, doctors say he has died but is expected to make a full recovery." –-David Letterman "That's what they say, Arafat may be brain dead. That has to be demoralizing to his people, huh? You're leader is brain dead. Thank God that could never happen here." –Jay Leno "The Bush's now have a new puppy in the White House. It's expected to pass the Senate with rapid confirmation. The name of the puppy is Miss Beasley. Miss Beasley will replace Barney. Barney will now be going out into the private sector." –-David Letterman "They thought Miss Beasley had ruined a rug in the Oval Office. But it just turned out to be a stain left from the Clinton administration." –-David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Oct. 31-Nov. 6 "George Bush was elected president of the United States, and you know what they say, the first time is always the sweetest." --Bill Maher "Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? Man he couldn't decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran." --Jay Leno "In fact, the GOP did so well, the only Republican without a mandate: Dick Cheney's daughter." --Jay Leno "Democrats and liberals, stop saying you're going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can't get away from Bush by moving to France because that's where we're invading next." --Bill Maher "The rumor is that Hillary Clinton is running for president in 2008. And here's why people think that: Today she was in Ohio duck hunting. She even bought a camouflage pantsuit." --David Letterman "There's already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they're already hard at work planning to lose the next one." --Bill Maher "President Bush received a very gracious concession call from
John Kerry. And a very gracious collect call from Ralph
Nader." --Jay Leno "Now that the election is over, Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter has been released from Guantanamo." --David Letterman "President Bush was re-elected and today he hit the ground vacationing." --David Letterman "On election night Bush only got two hours sleep, but don't worry, he'll nap through intelligence briefings." --David Letterman "President Bush says that he now has a clear mandate. Coincidentally, a man date is also what Gov. Jim McGreevey is looking for." --David Letterman "Al Gore is very sorry he didn't run. He was watching Kerry Wednesday night, and he said, 'that could have been my concession speech.'" --David Letterman "John Kerry said yesterday, 'In an American election, there is no loser.' Uh, earth to John." --Jay Leno "I'll tell you, a lot of Democrats were really upset yesterday. I haven’t seen Michael Moore this angry since he tried to buy a single seat on Southwest Airlines." --Jay Leno "The Republican Party is now in charge of the presidency, the Senate, the House, and the Supreme Court. You know how they got there? They got there by saying the liberals control everything." --Jay Leno "They say that Attorney General John Ashcroft may be steeping down. Apparently he wants to spend more time spying on his family." --David Letterman "It looks like Attorney General John Ashcroft will likely resign. He says he wants to devote time to covering up naked statues in the private sector." --Jay Leno "There’s a rumor that Attorney General John Ashcroft will resign before the inauguration. The White House feels that since Bush is going to swear to defend the Constitution, they want to make sure it's still around." --Jay Leno "Ashcroft says he wants to take more time off to spend more time with the voices in his head." --Jay Leno "Down in Arkansas, workmen are putting the finishing touches on the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Presidential Library? It's really just a Hooters with a magazine rack." --Jay Leno "Kentucky voters voted to ban gay marriage. Unless the two are siblings." --Jay Leno "As you know Osama bin Laden has released another video. He bragged that he will 'bankrupt the United States.' And today President Bush said, 'two can play that game, pal.'" --Jay Leno "Apparently the PLO is in anarchy because Yasser Arafat never named a successor, and the problem is there are very few people who have experience running a hated political organization, although Tom Daschle is available." --Bill Maher "All over the country, there were long lines, and I thought of this -- next time, instead of waiting, I’m gonna find a guy who's voting the opposite of me, and we'll just both go home. Even Steven. Just cancel each other out and head to lunch." --Jimmy Kimmel "A quick reminder to people in Ohio, the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday." --David Letterman "Democrats swore this election would not be decided by the Supreme Court. Thanks to their clever strategy of incoherent campaign themes, an uncomfortable Vietnam fetish, and an undying belief in the get-out-the-vote power of Ashton Kutcher and Bon Jovi, it won't be. Yeah, suck on that, Scalia!" --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry "If you want to have gay sex or visit a library, it's probably your last night to do those things … Personally I'll be killing two birds with one stone." --"Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms, on the Bush mandate "The president is focusing on his agenda for the next three years. One: finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting the war in three other places." --Ed Helms "Conservatives are very happy about the Bush victory. When Bill O'Reilly heard about it, he said, I haven't been as excited as this since, well, you know." --Conan O'Brien "You have to feel bad for John Kerry because now he he'll have to go back to his life of being a senator, windsurfing and being a billionaire." --David Letterman "I'm no pundit but do you remember a few weeks when Kerry was in Ohio and went duck hunting? I think that probably hurt Kerry because Bush easily carried the duck vote." --David Letterman "Kerry did say he was sorry he lost the election because he was looking forward to spending less time with his wife." --David Letterman "It looks like people are giving Bush and Cheney four more years. The bad news, Cheney's doctors are only giving him two more years." --Jay Leno "President Bush was really sweating this, because he knew if Kerry won, he's probably make Bush go to Iraq and finish his National Guard service." --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney was thrilled. Today he was wearing his happy sneer. Dick Cheney was so excited he's now appearing with his lesbian daughter." --David Letterman "Well, I guess we've got four more years to capture bin Laden. No hurry now." --Jay Leno "In his concession speech, John Kerry said he is so grateful he wishes he could hug everyone of his supporters. After hearing this, Ralph Nader said, actually I was able to hug all of my supporters." --Conan O'Brien "In NBC's brilliant election coverage, a giant map of the United States was on the ice rink in Rockefeller Plaza. The states were painted red when President Bush won a state, blue when Kerry won a state, and yellow when Tim Russert had to relieve himself." --Conan O'Brien "No word yet on what Daschle will do in private life, but insiders agree, whatever it is, it's safe to assume he'll be ineffective." --Jon Stewart "It all came down to one state. Political experts say that this year's Florida is Ohio. As a result, this year's spring break is expected to suck." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, Marion Berry was elected overwhelmingly as a city councilman in Washington, D.C. After hearing this, Berry said, wait a minute, wasn't I the same guy that was caught smoking crack?" --Conan O'Brien "It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to bring us this?" --Jon Stewart "The polls now show the two candidates in a dead heat. In case of a tie, the presidency, of course, goes to the guy whose brother is the governor of Florida." --David Letterman "I think tomorrow's election is going to be very exciting. Here what's going on at the White House? Every time a state is called for Bush the twins will do a shot" --David Letterman "As cities burn around the country, people furious that the Electoral College has once again – I'm sorry, I'm reading Wednesday's headlines." –Jon Stewart "President Bush told an Ohio reporter that he is unfazed that Osama Bin Laden has not been caught. He said it's only a matter of time till Osama Bin Laden is caught. Well it better be in the next hour or he is gonna be screwed." --Jay Leno "The Red Sox have broken their curse after 86 years. That means the only one now not wining after 86 years is Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Oct. 24-30 "Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does." --Bill Maher "Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need, another undecided voter." --Bill Maher "He really goes after the Bush crowd personally. He ridicules Bush for reading 'My Pet Goat' during the attack, he compares the Bush family dynasty to nepotistic Arab dictators, and then to really twist the knife he just drops in out of nowhere that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbo." --Bill Maher "On the eve of Tuesday's election, a new videotape of Osama bin Laden was aired on Al Jazeera. Bin Laden addresses the American people directly in a way that can only be described as more optimistic than Dick Cheney." -–Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "According to a new Democratic poll released today, 50 percent of Vice President Cheney's daughters are still gay." -–Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "This has been a rough week for President Bush. First those explosives went missing in Iraq. And then bin Laden resurfaces, and now Bush can't get the radio in his back to stop playing Ashlee Simpson." --Bill Maher "Everybody wants to know where those missing explosive are. President Bush says John Kerry is denigrating the troops by asking where the explosives are. I don't want to say Bush is slimy, but after he talks to Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly takes a shower and just showers." --Bill Maher "Our Election 2004 Fiasco Preview begins where the fiasco began last time: Florida. While The Sunshine State's 2000 debacle gave all of America 36 days of breezy, lighthearted fun, there were negative aspects as well, and the state has been warned by God four times this hurricane season alone to never let it happen again." --Jon Stewart "Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions, and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House responds: 'Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance.'" --"Daily Show" correspondent Stephen Colbert "Might I point out, this is the same Senator Kerry who voted against the president's tax cuts. Now he wants to tell you he's for explosives not being stolen from weapons depots. Which is it, Senator, you can't have it both ways?" --"Daily Show" correspondent Stephen Colbert "If Bush loses, do you think he'll leave? Or do you think he'll just say, 'I don't read the papers'?" --Jon Stewart ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Oct. 17-23 "Have you seen the new Bush ad? It's wolves in a forest. I guess those are the terrorists. Karl Rove said the point of the ad is to make you s**t your pants, but in an optimistic way." --Bill Maher "John Kerry is out on the trail with Christopher Reeve's wife, Dana, who said that if her husband had been president on 9/11 and had been told the country was under attack, even he would have gotten up." --Bill Maher "This week, Kerry went goose hunting. He wants to prove that he still has it in him to kill things. Kerry said he doesn't have a problem with hunting -- the hard part is bringing the subject around to Dick Cheney's gay kids." --Bill Maher "First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuses problems. When asked how she would do that she replied, 'Just as I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children.'" --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Election offices opened across Florida last Monday to give black voters the option of being turned away early." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "They've already started voting down in Florida. The election is three weeks away, and this gives them an extra two weeks to rig the results. ... They started counting the ballots, I thought this was bizarre, Bush has a slight lead over Gore. And now this brings us back to square one." --David Letterman "The woman suing Bill O'Reilly for unwanted phone sex is allegedly asking for $60 million in damages. That sounds like a lot, until you figure it works out to about $2.99 a minute." --Tina Fey "You know what the Red Sox proved. They proved that the team with the most money doesn't alway win, which is bad news for the Republicans." --Jay Leno "Look at Massachusetts: they got the Red Sox winning the pennant, the Patriots winning the Super bowl, they got John Kerry. Okay -- two out of three." --Jay Leno "Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier." --Conan O'Brien "John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." --David Letterman "John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." --Jay Leno "Kerry is trying to appeal to hunters, so he got drunk and shot his buddy in the ass." --David Letterman "Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won't get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn't getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn't need one because he doesn't come in contact with any large crowds." --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader's latest complaint - he says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they're called the American people." --Jay Leno "It's getting ugly and uglier out there -- Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn't know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back. She said she was busy raising three kids -- Barbara, Jenna, and George W. That is a full-time job." --Jay Leno "The Democrats really are missing the boat. Kerry keeps talking about Bush's record on the war and the economy and stem cells and flu shots, but he never brings up the fact that, in high school, President Bush was a cheerleader. The President wore a sweater with a big letter 'A' on it and jumped around kicking his feet up over his head while the guys who went to the school played football. If I'm John Kerry -- and Bush starts talking about how tough he is on terrorism -- I just say, 'How? Weren't you a cheerleader? You gonna strangle 'em with your skirt? What terrorist are you gonna capture, Paula Abdul?" --Jimmy Kimmel "The Kerry campaign announced today they will have ten thousand lawyers at the polls in battleground states. Ten thousand lawyers. Well, let's hope you don't slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried alive in business cards." --Jay Leno "In Florida, voting in the Presidential election started two weeks early. Senior citizens are already reporting problems with the voting machines. Apparently the seniors are confused because when they pull the lever, no quarters come out." --Conan O'Brien "In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn't think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a 'real job.' Let me tell you something, if you're a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on earth." --Jay Leno "On the campaign trail, the president continued what has been a theme throughout the year: John Kerry is a flip-flopper. Oh, and also consistently liberal." --Jon Stewart "Yesterday, one of Iran's top leaders announced he wanted President Bush to win re-election. When he heard about this, Bush said, you know, for an evil-doer, he's not such a bad guy." --Conan O'Brien "Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that 'Al Gore's just mad because God made me president.'" --Jay Leno "Al Gore also said in a speech yesterday … that 'President Bush governs from a 'love of power.' You know as opposed to Gore's old boss who governed from the power of love." --Jay Leno "The campaign is getting heated up. It's really going crazy and as a matter of fact John Kerry shook up the whole campaign today. He introduced his own lesbian daughter." --David Letterman "The Cheneys announced that for the final two weeks of the campaign, their daughter will be straight." --Jay Leno "If Bush has a second term, Dick Cheney could be a candidate in 2008. A lot of people forgot about that. But Cheney says he has no intention of running for president for three reasons. One: He'll be too old. Two: He's had health problems. And three: He's already been president." --Jay Leno "I think we're all going to be taking a ride on the U.S.S. Soul Crush. Kerry will accuse Bush of secretly planning a backdoor draft of flu-stricken seniors. While Bush will respond that Kerry, if elected, will detonate a bomb in an American city that turns everybody gay." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry There's a flu shot shortage - and all of a sudden people are very anxious to get one. I don't get it -- not too many people I know ever got flu shots, but now that there's a shortage everybody wants one. It's like the Cabbage Patch Kids in the 80s." --Jimmy Kimmel "Early voting began in Florida this week and guess what? There are already problems! After waiting two to three hours many Florida voters are shocked to get to the front of the line and find out 'What? No flu shot?'" --Jay Leno "You know why Florida has started voting this week? See, primitive places like Florida and Afghanistan need longer to count the votes." --Jay Leno "Here's some good news. Federal officials say they found another 2.6 million doses of flu vaccine, which they will be able to distribute in January. That is, if Bush wins. If he doesn't, they might accidentally lose it." --Jay Leno "They're doing the early voting in Florida and there are already irregularities in the early Florida voting. You know it's sad when the voting goes smoother in Afghanistan than it does in Florida." --David Letterman "But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'" --David Letterman "Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That's not true. Bush's dad was the protection from the draft." --Jay Leno "John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, 'Can I get me a hunting license here?' After hearing about it President Bush said, 'It should be 'Can me get me a hunting license here?'" --Conan O'Brien "California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that after he gave a speech at the Republican Convention, his wife, Maria Shriver, was so mad, she wouldn't have sex with him for 14 days. Schwarzenegger said things got so bad he had to call up Bill O'Reilly." --Conan O'Brien "Ralph Nader said he has no intention of leaving the presidential race. It's not so much he wants to stay in the race. It's just that he has nowhere else to go." --Jay Leno "John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a 'January surprise' if he's re-elected. Hey, if we know who's going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don't you think?" --Jay Leno "Although people seem to agree that he did not do very well in the three debates ,George W. Bush nonetheless is very confident of being re-elected. In fact he's so confident he brought back the bulge." --David Letterman "A man was arrested in Ohio after being paid in crack to register voters. They were paying people in crack to register voters. You know it's scary enough that the election is going to be decided by the undecided. But to be decided by undecided crack heads. That's really bad." --Jay Leno "I always love when politicians try to be all things to all people. This week, John Kerry bought a hunting license in Ohio to appeal to gun owners and hunters. Then he went to a Catholic Mass to appeal to Catholics. He also campaigned in Appalachia. He told the crowd that his wife Teresa was his first cousin." --Jay Leno "It's the last minute of the campaign and both candidates are using fear tactics. And honest to God, my fear is that one of them will actually get elected." --David Letterman "Today they began early voting in Florida and once again Al Gore lost." --Jay Leno "On a Bush/Cheney billboard in New Jersey, Dick Cheney's name is spelled wrong -- an 'A' instead of an 'E'. So, apparently Bush really is in charge of his own campaign." --Jay Leno "John Kerry is now blaming President Bush for what is happening with the flu. Well, Bush shot right back and said, Well. It's pronounced 'Fallujah.'" --Jay Leno "Kind of a scary thing on the campaign trail on Friday in Cleveland. John Edwards' plane, the take off was aborted because of an indicator light. Apparently there wasn't enough electricity for both the indicator light and John Edward's hair dryer." --Jay Leno "As you know, Bill O'Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment from a female producer on his show. She claims they had phone sex and he claims, no he is just a victim of vast right hand conspiracy." --Jay Leno "I'll give you an idea of how cold it is here in New York City. The Bush twins switched from Margaritas to Irish Coffee." --David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Oct. 10-16 "We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." –Bill Maher "Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher "Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f--k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." –Bill Maher "John Kerry is facing a strong criticism because during the debate the other night he referred to Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. Yeah today because of the controversy he cancelled his speech today titled, 'Boy can those Bush twins drink.'" --Conan O'Brien "I would say Bush is relieved the debates are over. He's so relieved that today the radio on his back was playing soft rock" --Bill Maher "We still don't know what the deal is what that thing in Bush's back, but I tell you, if God has a sense of humor, it is something that can only be cured with stem cell research." –Bill Maher, on the bulge in Bush's back during the first presidential debate "First Mike Wallace had the run in with the limo driver -- remember they threw Mike Wallace in jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo, now Bill O'Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Do you know the most trusted news man in America is now Geraldo Rivera?" --Jay Leno "When it comes to accusations, we don't know who's telling the truth, so I'm not going to get on the Bill O'Reilly bandwagon. But one of his producers is suing him for unwanted phone sex with her while he was using a vibrator on himself. To me, that doesn't sound like Bill O'Reilly, because usually he's pulling stuff out of his ass." --Bill Maher "John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. He gave a speech, then Kerry introduced his retirement plan -- his wife, Teresa." --Jay Leno "It's exciting now, we are coming down to the elections and they're just around the corner and all that's really left is the tinkering with the voting machines in Florida." --David Letterman "There's a new three strikes and you're out policy. But enough about President Bush in the debates. Let's move on." --Jay Leno "In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before-and-after ad for Prozac." --Jay Leno "I think, even if you're not a fan you must admit, President Bush did a little better in the third debate. Like last night he spoke from the heart. See the last two debates he's tried speaking from the brain. And you see how that works." --Jay Leno "I thought it was a pretty good debate. Both candidates got to dodge a range of issues." --David Letterman "At one point I was concerned about Bush ... Did he seem a little confused to you? Because at one point, he called out, 'State capitals for $200, Alex!'" --David Letterman "After the debate, Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne, was upset that John Kerry brought up their lesbian daughter. She said, 'The only thing that upsets me more is the fact that I brought up a lesbian daughter.'" --Conan O'Brien "The candidates were asked if they thought homosexuality was a choice. John Kerry said it isn't. Good thing he doesn't think it's a choice. Otherwise, he'd still be trying to make up his mind." --Jay Leno "President Bush's approval rating has now dropped down to 47 percent. You know that lump on his back? Well, it's moved to his throat." --Jay Leno "A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment against Bill O'Reilly. He reportedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. Of coarse, the people at Fox News were shocked. They had no idea O'Reilly was a Democrat. Oh, it gets worse, after she hung up on him, Bill tried to *69 her." --Jay Leno "I thought George Bush looked great. He was wearing his three-piece bulge. ... They have a picture of George Bush from the first debate and on his back there's a big, lumpy bulge. People were saying that's a radio receiver and someone is feeding him answers to questions. It turned out tonight, the first thing George W. did was show everyone that the bump in his jacket was just his flask." --David Letterman "I watched the debate, and I'll tell you George Bush did look confused. At one point he tried to buy a vowel." --David Letterman "The third presidential debate asked the most important question of all – which of these guys do I hate the least?" --Jay Leno "Interesting fun fact, Bob Schieffer, the moderator of tonight's presidential debate, says that for the past couple of weeks people have been coming up to him in airports and suggesting questions. Which explains why Schieffer's first question tonight was, Would you like to become a hari krishna?" --Conan O'Brien "Bad news for Ralph Nader. Today the state of Ohio rejected Ralph Nader's attempt to get on the ballot. Experts say this will hurt Nader's chances of losing all 50 states." --Conan O'Brien "The latest polls say Bush and Kerry are in a dead heat. Reuters' three-day tracking poll says it’s tied at 45 percent; the CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll has it 49 percent Kerry and 48 percent Bush. In an election this close, it's gonna come down to who wants it more and which candidate's brother is governor of Florida." -- Jimmy Kimmel "Boy it's getting nasty. I don't know if you've seen these latest ads, Democrats are calling Bush a child of privilege, and labeling him the 'fortunate son' because his dad was rich. Not to be confused with Kerry, the fortunate husband." --Jay Leno "President Clinton plans to tape a phone message that will be sent to voters' homes urging people to vote Democrat. Apparently you'll know it's Clinton's message because it starts with, What are you wearing?" --Conan O'Brien "Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that to avoid any election return problems in Florida this year, this time he is going to announce the results before people go into vote." --Jay Leno "President Bush and Vice President Cheney have officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And today the soldiers in Iraq said, uh, can we come home now?" --Jay Leno "A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment suit against Bill O-O-O'Reilly. She claims he repeatedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. The last straw was when he asked her if her breasts were fair and balanced" --Jay Leno "According to recent study I read, the French have sex 137 times a year. And that doesn't include screwing the United States." --David Letterman "There are photographs of President Bush from the first debate and he's got some kinda lump in the back of his coat, and the rumors are flying that he had a special radio receiver and he was getting answers from someone off stage. Wow, it's like he's back at Yale." —David Letterman "I tell you President Bush been practicing hard for this (debate). All day long he's been walking around saying, 'Internet, internet, internet.'" --Jay Leno "There are going to be three debates. We've had two already and the final debate is going to be tomorrow night. You remember the first debate it was behind podiums, the second debate was the town hall format, and tomorrow's debate will be Karaoke format." --David Letterman "So now everyone's going crazy about the bulge in his jacket. Something like this hasn't happened in a debate since 1996. Remember that when Clinton had the intern under his podium?" --David Letterman "There's a lot of talk in political circles about an amendment to the U.S. constitution so people born in other countries can run for president. Apparently this is part of Bush's plan to outsource the presidency." --Jay Leno "There is a rumor going around that during the first debate, President Bush had some kind of listening device that was feeding him answers to the questions for the debate. They actually had a photo of him and there was a bulge in his jacket. Well, it's still an improvement over the last guy who had a bulge in his pants." --David letterman "The first debate they were all at the podiums. In the second debate, at the request of President Bush, it was in the town hall format. Also, at the request of President Bush, the next one will be in the happy hour format." --David Letterman "The third debate is Wednesday night. This is going to be an exciting one, because the jackpot is up to $250,000." --David Letterman "On Saturday, there were free elections in Afghanistan. That's pretty good. But already there are charges of fraud in Broward and Dade County." --David Letterman "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have now come forward and officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. In fact, feeling the tremendous relief that came from admitting this, they also said there's no Santa Claus, O.J. did it, and Al Gore had really been president for the last four years." --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader has criticized both Bush and Kerry for belonging to a secret organization when they went to Yale. Is Nader one really to criticize? You know, he belongs to a secret organization. It's called Nader for President." --Jay Leno "I guess you heard about the big presidential election chaos over there in Afghanistan. Given how badly they screwed up over there, Bush declared Mission Accomplished." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Oct. 3-9 "During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate." --Bill Maher "This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying directly to people's faces." --Bill Maher "There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'" --Bill Maher "I don't know what's worse -- watching Bush try not to scowl, or watching him scowl for 90 minutes." --Bill Maher "Tonight was the 2nd presidential debate, which was in a town hall format. That's where everyday Americans and not just journalists get a chance to have their questions avoided." --Jay Leno "Tonight's debate was what they called the town hall debate. Both candidates were seated on stools. It was funny, from force of habit, Bush said 'Scotch and water, hold the ice.'" --David Letterman "Tonight's topic was domestic policy. And George Bush was very proud about this one particular accomplishment. He took credit for toppling Jay Leno." --David Letterman "The second presidential debate was tonight. It was a town hall meeting. Sure you all watched that. Last time John Kerry did a town hall meeting, true story, a woman in the audience told him he was 'hot.' Yeah, then she told Kerry she needs healthcare so she can afford a pair of glasses." --Conan O'Brien "Interesting tidbit for you, over half of the adults in the United States say they get their news about the presidential election from the Internet. Not surprisingly, the most popular website is Swift Boat Veterans for Paris Hilton." --Conan O'Brien "If you watched the debates the other night, you know Cheney claimed that was the first he'd ever met Edwards which turns out was not true. They'd actually met on three other occasions, once at a prayer breakfast, once on 'Meet the Press,' and one crazy night at a motel in Encino." --Jay Leno "This is what his handlers have advised him to do after the first debate last week: George W. Bush's challenge now will be to stretch four and a half minutes of meaningless platitudes into an hour and a half. That's his challenge." --David Letterman "(Friday's) debate in St. Louis will be before an audience made up entirely of undecided voters. That creates a huge dilemma for Kerry. Does he stand on stage beside Bush or sit in the audience with all the other people who can't make up their minds?" --Jay Leno "Here's something interesting, a group of porn stars has made a DVD called 'Porn Stars for Kerry' and they've made a porno movie to raise money for him. Lets just hope this one doesn't feature Michael Moore." --Jay Leno "You know what's happening in Afghanistan? It's their first free election. Now this is a big thing. However they are expecting voter fraud. They're expecting disruption at the polls and intimidation of voters. So I guess the American style of democracy is really catching on over there." --David Letterman "Edwards and Cheney sitting there together at the desk, they looked like the dinner theater production of 'Tuesdays with Morrie.'" --David Letterman "During the debate, John Edwards accused Dick Cheney of 'not being straight with the American people.' Apparently Cheney misunderstood because he started yelling, 'Who you calling gay?' And then they kissed for half an hour." --Conan O'Brien "There were four reporters in the audience for every person. Not only that but there were also four paramedics for every Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "The evening ended badly for Edwards. Right afterwards, he was roughed up in the parking lot by Cheney's lesbian daughter." --David Letterman "Last night they held the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards – the CEO versus the trial lawyer. Or, as I like to call it, 'Shark Tale.'" --Jay Leno "Did you see Cheney next to Edwards? Didn't it look like the before and after pictures on 'Extreme Makeover'?" --Jay Leno "New Rule: Florida has to sit this election out. You know, you'd think after the year 2000, they would have made sure to get it right this time. But, no, even Jimmy Carter – a man who has seen more Third World hellholes than a lesbian couple trying to adopt – even he says Florida is not ready for an election. So, sorry, Florida, you're going to have to take that Tuesday off and just treat yourself to an extra hurricane. " --Bill Maher "The most amazing part of the debate was when Dick Cheney told John Edwards in his Darth Vader voice, 'John I am your father.'" --Jay Leno "Good news for John Edwards. If he doesn't win in November, he now has a firm offer to be the new host of the 'Family Feud.'" --David Letterman "Here's my question, if Cheney is debating tonight who's running the country?" --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney did well -- he only flat-lined twice." --David Letterman "There was one awkward moment ... when moderator Gwen Ifill ... was hit on by Dick Cheney's daughter." --David Letterman "Political experts say that Dick Cheney was at a disadvantage because Cheney is short, fat and unhealthy looking. Yeah the debate's moderator made it worse when she introduced Cheney as the white Reuben Studdard." --Conan O'Brien "Speaking of Cheney in a recent interview, an author who's writing a book about Cheney says that Dick Cheney is misunderstood and is not a monster. Then the author admitted, Cheney told me if I didn't say that, he would eat my children." --Conan O'Brien "Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That is Bush's game." --Jay Leno, on the debate "Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" --Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman" "Some good news from watching the debates -- the terror alert on John Kerry's face has been lowered from orange back down to pasty white." --Jay Leno "Kerry is so confident that he is windsurfing again." --David Letterman "People are saying that George Bush didn't do well. In fact, Kerry even picked up the support of one of the Bush twins." --David Letterman "Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would've gone home with a handshake and a quart of motor oil." --David Letterman "I saw it on the cover of Newsweek, and ABC, CNN, they all said that John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn't give him a swelled head." --Jay Leno "Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time." --Jay Leno "Tomorrow night is the vice president debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards; the heart throb versus the throbbing heart." --Jay Leno "I guess this debate will be different, the vice presidential debate. Both candidates will be seated at the table. John Edwards wanted a conference table and Dick Cheney of course wanted an operating table." --Jay Leno "Right now, Dick Cheney is practicing his 'warm sneer.'" --David Letterman "National polls now put the candidates neck and neck, all but erasing the bounce the president received following his boisterous reception at the Republican convention. Which may be why for tomorrow's vice presidential debate, the GOP is insisting both candidates wear elephant hats and the event be moderated by the Gatlin Brothers. Oh, and every time Cheney scores a point? Balloons!" "A Fox reporter who covered the Kerry campaign -- a guy named Carl Cameron -- he's in a lot of trouble for posting fake quotes about John Kerry. He said it was a joke. You know, kinda like 'fair and balanced.' That's how the networks work -- CBS makes up stuff about Bush, Fox makes up stuff about Kerry -- fair and balanced." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Sept. 26-Oct. 2 "62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one viewer for every time President Bush said mixed message." --Bill Maher "I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes." --Bill Maher "Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that sex orgies relieve tension and should be encouraged. Apparently, Justice Scalia got into group sex in 2000, after he and a group of four other justices got together and f----d Al Gore." --Bill Maher "Last night's debate was about foreign policy. And if you saw it, you know Bush spent the entire time bragging about the capture of Cat Stevens." --David Letterman "That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it." --David Letterman "President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first debate was held last Thursday. While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was because he couldn't get his buzzer to work." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "The only reason many believe Kerry won the debate, is because about two-thirds of the way in, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words." --Tina Fey "Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "I don't want to say Bush blew it, but this morning, hurricane victims were comforting him." --Bill Maher "There were some verbal gaffes. Bush said he had met with a war widow, and quote, 'tried to love her as best I could.' Which isn't easy when there's a guy at the foot of the bed playing 'Taps.'" --Bill Maher "Did you know that George Bush actually used a short lectern during the debate to make him look taller? Coincidentally, in his debate, to make him look taller, Clinton used a short intern." --David Letterman "Last night was the first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90 minutes. Or, as President Bush calls it, three Sponge Bobs." --Conan O'Brien "The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss. Well, of course he did. His wife owns all the coins." --Jay Leno "Bush didn't have a good night. I don't think he's choked that much since the last time he had a pretzel." --Jay Leno "The Democrats think Kerry won and the Republicans all think Bush won. Well, the swing voters, they were all watching porno." --Jay Leno "During the debate there were several tense moments when President Bush and Kerry got into it with each other. Not only that, Ralph Nader got into a heated discussion with the guy at the McDonald's drive-through." --Conan O'Brien "Bush and Kerry debated foreign policy in Miami. Is Miami having a bad year or what? Haven't these people suffered enough?" --David Letterman "George Bush and Laura appeared on the 'Dr. Phil' show this week. Among the questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of oral sex in high schools. I don't know if he understood what he was talking about, because right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for Head Start." --Bill Maher "The security at the debate, you can understand this, was very tight. They even searched the bags under Jim Lehrer's eyes." --David Letterman "Bush wants to show that John Kerry is confused. You know you're in trouble when you're running against George Bush and you're the one who looks confused." --David Letterman "A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions." --Jay Leno "A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate. He's pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue both sides of that 'Taste great, less filling' debate." --Jay Leno "Kerry's people have been advising him to keep it simple. They say Kerry always gets the biggest pay off when he uses the shortest sentences. Like when he said 'I do.'" --Jay Leno "There were an awful lot of rules for the debate. For instance, a light would flash when your two minutes are up. ... President Clinton did the same thing for interns." --David Letterman "President Bush's hometown newspaper in Crawford, Texas, has endorsed John Kerry. Well President Bush doesn't know about it, cause it was in his newspaper." --Jay Leno "Al Gore had a column in the paper yesterday, called 'How to debate George Bush.' I tell you it was right next to Dan Rather's column, 'How to spot forged documents.'" --Jay Leno "Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'" --Jay Leno "The debate deal for three debates almost fell apart because John Kerry did not want a light to flash when his time was almost up. And George Bush didn't want a light to flash because he's easily distracted." --Jay Leno "All the experts have been on TV saying the one thing that each candidate must do to win. Like Kerry can't look like a know-it-all. And Bush can't be too simplistic. So basically the entire presidential race comes down to this, the smart guy has to look a little dumber, and the dumb guy has to look a little smarter. To win, each guy has to pretend to be more like the other guy." --Jay Leno "Each candidate has agreed to 32 pages of rules. I'm telling you, it's like being a J. Lo husband." --David Letterman "They say this debate is already helping the economy. In fact, millions of people are buying large-screen TV sets so they can see Kerry's entire head." --Jay Leno "This just in -- CBS says it can no longer vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry's tan." --David Letterman "The first presidential debate is Thursday in Florida. I think it's Bush's way of saying thank-you for that last crooked election." --David Letterman "Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the mistake of worrying about the issues." --David Letterman "Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody." --Jay Leno "Everyone is talking about the ground rules. Kerry wants his podium to be tall enough so he can rest his hands. And President Bush wants it to be wide enough to hide Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message." --Jay Leno "I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these debates. He got one of those 'Hooked on Phonics' tapes." --Jay Leno "Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't talk like a regular average Joe and he said, 'Au contraire!"' --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader couldn't get into the debates in Florida. But here's the good news: Nader will be making a special appearance on 'CSI: Miami' as a guest cadaver" --David Letterman "During a speech this week John Kerry said if President Bush is re-elected he might bring back a military draft. When asked, Bush said, 'Trust me, even if I bring back the draft there are plenty of ways to get around it.'" --Conan O'Brien "Well, the terror level on John Kerry's face has been raised to orange. First, he gets the Botox. Now, he's got the rich tan. Apparently the senator's confused. The Miss America pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact, it was reported Kerry got a bikini wax." --Jay Leno "A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"' --Jay Leno "Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they'll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, 'Hey, what does "formable" mean?'" --Jay Leno "Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry takes place Thursday in Miami. And today, thousands of local residents began evacuating." --David Letterman "The ground rules for the debates: The candidates must remain at least 10 feet apart, and they cannot talk directly to one another. It's actually based on the John Kerry-Teresa Heinz Kerry pre-nup agreement." --David Letterman "The two sides have been going through all sorts of (debate) negotiations. Supposedly there’s a perspiration clause, which requires the room to be kept at a certain temperature to prevent sweating. The Bush team wants the president to be far enough away from Kerry that people won't see how much shorter he is. Also on the height issue, the Bush people want a podium small enough that he doesn’t appear short, but still big enough that Dick Cheney can hide inside it." --Jimmy Kimmel "Despite Hurricane Jeanne, this Thursday's presidential debate in Miami is still on. Is that a good idea with a hurricane going? Do you realize if both candidates were to drown, we could be looking at President Ralph Nader?" --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader says he is going to participate in the presidential debates. OK, he'll be at home yelling at the screen." --Jay Leno "Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fund-raiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, 'How did she find out?'" --Jay Leno "California lawmakers just approved tough new anti-pollution legislation. If it goes through, California would have the toughest emissions standards in the country. Ironically, our governor owns five Hummers and chain smokes cigars. He’s the pollutiest governor ever – the man is doing everything but burning tires on his front lawn, and he’s passing this legislation. He also came out strongly against steroids, foreign accents, and frequent use of movie catch phrases." --Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush met with the prime minister of Greece. In the meeting, Bush praised the Greek people by saying, 'You gave the world Plato, which I once ate a can of.'" --Conan O'Brien ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Sept. 19-25 "Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than American say our country is on the right track. Boy, there’s a campaign slogan for you -- 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!'" -–Bill Maher "The fourth hurricane this year is hitting Florida. Jeb Bush said if the state were any more devastated, his brother would declare it a complete success" --Bill Maher "Donald Rumsfeld said they are going to have elections even if only three quarters of the country votes. He said life isn't perfect. He said sometime when you have elections, you have to exclude parts of the country. You know, like we did with the blacks in Florida." --Bill Maher "Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS $550 grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson, no more trying to expose boobs." --Bill Maher "Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq. Today John Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. You know what this means? The war in Vietnam may finally be over ladies and gentleman." --Jay Leno "John Kerry said that you can't have fair and free elections in a place where there's no rule of law. President Bush said, 'Oh yeah, what if your brother's governor of that state?'" --Jay Leno "John Kerry hired a bunch of former Clinton advisers. Don't kid yourself, these guys are good. They're the ones who got him elected twice to president. So now, they're working for Kerry. The first thing they did, honest to God, they got Kerry a chubby girlfriend." --David letterman "President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian Institute American Indian Museum. President Bush said he was proud of the history of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country to liberate them and bring them democracy." --Jay Leno "Forbes magazine came out with their list of the 400 richest Americans ... And this year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book." --Jay Leno "President Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Allawi were here this week to say things are going very well in Iraq indeed. Although Allawi did admit there are pockets of terrorists. Most of whom are in one area, called Iraq." --Bill Maher "President Bush and Allawi have gotten their story straight. Some newspapers have pointed out that not only did Allawi use a lot of the themes that Bush uses, but some of the same phrases that are in the Bush campaign. For example, Allawi said, 'Yes Iraq, we have problems. But it's still better than when we under the heel of a brutal flip-flopper.'" --Bill Maher "Yesterday in Washington, Iraq Prime Minister Iyad Allawi thanked President Bush for liberating his country from Saddam Hussein, then Allawi said, 'Oh please don't make me go back there.'" --Conan O'Brien "Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush." --Jay Leno "Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans are about ours? I don't think that helps you." --Jon Stewart, after President Bush touted a poll showing that the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than in America "The former singer Cat Stevens, now known by his Islamic name Yusuf Islam, was questioned by the FBI after his plane to Washington was diverted because his name was on a government terror list. You know it's bad enough our two candidates for president are stuck in the 70s. Apparently so is airport security." --Jay Leno "President Bush says he's very excited about Cat Stevens. He says that we are winning the war on singer/song writers." --David Letterman "John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has a bad cold, you can barely understand what he's saying, so it looks like it should be a fair fight. In fact his voice is so bad, doctors have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each issue for awhile." --Jay Leno "They've scheduled the presidential debates. It'll be John Kerry and George Bush. There's going to be three debates. And there's going to be categories. Each debate will have a separate category. First category is domestic policy. Second category is foreign policy. The third category will be girl groups from the '60s." --David Letterman "The new rule for the debate this year: candidates can't touch each other. ... This is the result of a last series of debates where Al Gore tried to get George Bush to dirty dance." --David Letterman "Well these are dark days here at CBS. You got CBS making up stories on the evening news, and earlier in the week CBS was fined half million dollars for the Janet Jackson Super Bowl thing. ... CBS now says they were duped by a fake breast." --David Letterman "John Kerry says if he's elected president, he will go to the U.N. and persuade the other nations to help fight the war on terror. We can't get them to pay their parking tickets. Why don't you start with that?" --Jay Leno "It looks like President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on three debates. Kerry wanted more but Bush said no; he thought three was a good even number." --Jay Leno "President Bush gave a speech at the United Nations. I don't want to say it was a hostile crowd, but they had Bush stand behind a screen made of chicken wire." --Jay Leno "At one point, Bush said, 'We are determined to destroy terror networks wherever they operate.' Although by 'terror network,' it's not clear if he meant al Qaeda or CBS." --Jay Leno "Bad times over at CBS news. They are getting a ton of heat over these phony documents that allege President Bush loafed through the National Guard. Turns out they weren’t even really documents – just photocopies from a Kinko’s in Texas. Very embarrassing for CBS News. This is a network that has three CSIs, and nobody investigated this?" --Jimmy Kimmel "There are rumors that Dan Rather could lose his job over this. Wouldn't that be ironic? Another American losing his job due to President Bush!" --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader's campaign officials say that he is on the ballot in 29 states. Twenty-nine states. Thirty-one states if you count hopelessness and delusion." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein is depressed but defiant and still claims that he's the Constitutionally elected president of his country. So basically, he's the Iraqi Al Gore." --Jay Leno "President Bush spoke to the United Nations. The bad news, the nations are united against us!" --Jay Leno "We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather." --Jon Stewart "President Bush addressed the United Nations General Assembly, defending the invasion of Iraq and promising that America will spend more on foreign aid. Bush opened the speech by saying, 'Every country gets a free car! Zimbabwe gets a car! Argentina gets a free car! Poland gets a free car!"' --Drew Carey "The President opened by declaring a victory in the 'War on Rather.'" --Drew Carey "Bush pointed to positive signs in Iraq, like how the economy is taking off, thanks to a booming car bomb business." --Drew Carey "President Bush spoke to the United Nations. A little later John Kerry spoke at a live press conference that was seen around the world. And then Ralph Nader spoke to some people who were having lunch next to him at the International House of Pancakes." --Jay Leno "I'm sure you’ve all heard about the troubles at CBS, which stands for Can't Back Story, by the way." --Jay Leno "At his big press conference, John Kerry introduced his four-point plan for Iraq. That was one point for each of his positions." --Jay Leno "Bush and Kerry have agreed to three debates. The first debate will cover the 1960s and the second debate the early '70s and in the third debate if there's time, some topical issues." --Jay Leno "The first debate will actually take place in Miami, Florida. Boy, first all those hurricanes, now Bush and Kerry ... Haven't these people suffered enough?" --Jay Leno "In politics, the candidates keep making new demands for the debates. Hey, how about two new candidates and no debates?" --Drew Carey "They say John Kerry has already begun preparing for the debates. He's thinking of starting off by having his wife buy everyone in the audience a new car." --Jay Leno "The vice presidential candidates will debate for 90 minutes, those are the guidelines. ... They'll debate for 90 minutes or until someone's heart gives out." --David Letterman "Even though President Bush is leading in the polls, they say John Kerry's greatest strength is that, when he's under pressure, he can turn things around. No kidding. Sometimes he does it in the same sentence." --Jay Leno "It's been reported that in his recent speeches, John Kerry has been talking about religion and God. Apparently, Kerry keeps saying, 'Oh my God, I'm going to lose!'" --Conan O'Brien "In a fiery speech at New York University, John Kerry lashed out at President Bush. Kerry said, 'By one count, the president offered 23 different rationales for this war.' And Kerry was furious; he's got twice as many as that!" --Jay Leno "Did you know John Kerry is going to be appearing on 'Dr. Phil' next week? Is that how bad his campaign is going? He needs grief counseling now?" --Jay Leno "What happened to John Edwards? You know, I thought you weren't supposed to go into your secret location until after you're vice president!" --Jay Leno "President Bush still continuing to lead in the polls. In fact when John Kerry was told the latest poll numbers, he called President Clinton again. Not for advice, just to make sure he had his vote. 'You're still with me right?'" --Jay Leno "Bush and Kerry are still arguing over the details of the debates. Here's what I'd like to see: Can they get the orchestra from the Emmy Awards for the debates? So when a candidate starts going on and on ... just play that song until they shut up." --Jay Leno "A Bush administration official told Congress yesterday that the war in Iraq could cost 60 billion dollars. Yeah, President Bush said he plans to pay for it with a video series called, 'Prison Guards Gone Wild.'" --Conan O'Brien ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Sept. 12-18 "Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the audience will ask him. After hearing this, the president said, 'That's ridiculous. I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers." --Conan O'Brien "Things have gotten so bad, officials have acknowledged there are several Iraqi cities now simply too dangerous for U.S. troops to enter. According to the administration, these include Samarra, where Muslim fighters are incensed over John Kerry's ill-gotten Purple Hearts, and Fallujah, where angered supporters of Muqtada al-Sadr feel Kerry is 'too liberal.'" --Jon Stewart "What's the difference between Hurricane Ivan and President Bush? We know for certain that Ivan was in Alabama" --Jay Leno "There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said, What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?" --Jay Leno "Over in Russia, Russian President Vladimir Putin is using terrorism to increase his power and erode his people's civil liberties. It's nice to see the American way of life catching up around the world." --Jay Leno "In an interview in Harper's Bazaar, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn't much care for the title 'first lady.' You know the way the campaign is going, I think you'll be OK. You got nothing to worry about." —Jay Leno "I saw a picture of John Edwards today, it was on the side of a carton of milk. What's happened to this guy? Has anybody seen him? He's dropped out of sight, it's like he's vice president already." --Jay Leno "I don't know what the big deal is about these phony documents. I mean the last election we had phony documents. Remember the last election in Florida? They were called ballots." --Jay Leno, on the CBS memos relating to Bush's National Guard service "Bush and Cheney say now they're targeting people who can't make up their minds, so apparently their trying to get John Kerry's vote as well." --Jay Leno "Senator Ted Kennedy hitting the campaign trail with John Kerry. You know what they say, two huge heads are better than one." --Jay Leno "A law banning the sale of assault weapons has expired, which means it's now legal to buy Uzis and AK 47s. The NRA said that now its owners can protect their families from up to 200 burglars at once." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush addressed a national meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas this week. Bush told the crowd he's proud of his National Guard service. He said, 'It was the best weekend of my life.'" --Jay Leno "Even though Bush spoke to several thousand people at the National Guard meeting, not a single person can remember seeing him there." --Jay Leno "You know who's speaking to the National Guard later this week? John Kerry. Imagine Bush and Kerry in Vegas at the same time. Imagine Bush and Kerry at the blackjack table at the same time. One can't make up his mind how much he wants to bet and the other can't count to 21." --Jay Leno "In a speech yesterday, President Bush said it is critical that the president speak both clearly and consistently. Then, immediately afterwards, Bush resigned." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush spoke to a meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas today. Boy, a lot of those guys were excited to see him. Well, sure, a lot of them have been waiting since the early '70s." --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney says the economic numbers don't take into account all the people making money on eBay. Yeah, if you lose your job, you've got to sell your car, your clothes, your house." --Jay Leno "It's been reported that the White House called the producers of the 'Today' show and asked them not to air anymore interviews with an author of a new book that's critical of President Bush. I guess they mean business, because at the end of the call they said, 'Do as we say, or you'll be asking where in the world is Matt Lauer?'" --Conan O'Brien "There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a president who didn't really win the election being brought down by phony documents." --Jay Leno "The White House is scrambling to bolster President Bush's image. They are now saying that while it is true he didn't go to Vietnam, he did attend an early screening of 'Apocalypse Now.'" --Jay Leno "John Kerry unveiled his new campaign slogan: A mind is a terrible thing to make up." --Jay Leno "Kerry still can't shake this image of his as a rich-guy. For instance, today he challenged President Bush to three debates and a yacht race." --Jay Leno "Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "John Kerry criticized President Bush for not renewing the ban on assault weapons. Well, you can understand why President Bush doesn't want to renew the ban. These are the first weapons of mass destruction that he's been able to find." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Sept. 5-11 "Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused." --David Letterman "Earlier this week, '60 Minutes' featured documents that they say proved President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard service. Well, now there's talk that the documents are forged. Well, of course, President Bush is stunned. He said, 'You mean I did show up for duty?" --Jay Leno "Kerry is behind President Bush in the polls. Things are not looking good. In fact, today Ralph Nader asked Kerry to resign." --Jay Leno "John Kerry has vowed to tell the truth if he's elected president. But only if he's elected. Until then, he'll continue to lie his ass off." --Jay Leno "One of the commentators on MSNBC was saying that John Kerry seems to be a man who likes himself. Well, you know, opposites attract." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney denied saying that if John Kerry were elected the United States would have another terrorist attack. Cheney explained, what I actually said was that if Kerry were elected I would have a heart attack." --Conan O'Brien "Former President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital and he'll be able to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said, I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on." --Conan O'Brien "John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." --David Letterman "According to a global poll, if the world could vote for president of the United States, they would choose John Kerry over President Bush. However, when the poll includes the federation of planets, then Ralph Nader wins." --Jay Leno "President Bush said today he has no plans to read that new book that trashes him by Kitty Kelly. Asked why he wasn't going to read it, Bush said, well, because it's a book." --Jay Leno "Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support her husband's healthcare plan. See I'm confused, I thought she was John Kerry's healthcare plan. And his economic plan, and his retirement plan. Am I wrong?" --Jay Leno "The assault weapons ban expires on Monday. Thank God, I can go back to shooting ducks with my uzi." --David Letterman "The Republicans are now accusing John Kerry of using rich friends to help him get into Vietnam." --David Letterman "Bush toured the hurricane damage in Florida and Bush really looked surprised at places boarded up for reasons other than his economic policies." --Jay Leno "President Clinton is doing well after his bypass surgery on Monday. But he's still heavily sedated on painkillers. In fact, he's still so loopy that yesterday he accidentally hit on Hillary" --David Letterman "Former President Bill Clinton underwent successful heart surgery. He's feeling better already. Like today, I understand he asked for a desk in his room. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno "Since Bill Clinton's operation, the number of patients complaining of similar chest pains has increased dramatically. Doctors are calling the trend the Bill Clinton Syndrome. That's true. Yeah, before the operation the Bill Clinton Syndrome was characterized as a burning sensation in the groin." --Conan O'Brien "It's been reported that a record made by a band that John Kerry was in during college has been bought for $2,500. Meanwhile, the White House said that President Bush was in a college band, but that all the records have been lost." --Conan O'Brien "According to the latest poll today, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of the popular vote. 1 percent! That's embarrassing. He's even trailing low-fat milk, that's 2 percent." --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack. Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday in Iowa, Vice-President Dick Cheney warned voters that a Kerry victory in November’s election will result in another terrorist attack. He also warned that a drunk and celebrating Michael Moore could crush dozens of registered voters!" --Jimmy Kimmel "According to a new book, when President Bush was on National Guard duty he would sometimes sneak off to smoke marijuana and snort cocaine. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That's ridiculous. I never showed up for National Guard duty.'" --Conan O'Brien "Former President Clinton is doing well and getting better everyday. In fact, yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they took him off his nurse." --Conan O'Brien "Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job." --David Letterman "Pundits are saying that Kerry's message is garbled. You know you're doing badly when you're running against Bush and you're the one who is garbled." --David Letterman "Former President Clinton is wide awake and alert. I wish we could say the same for our current president." --David Letterman "For 73 minutes during the surgery, Clinton had no pulse, no heartbeat. Just like the Kerry campaign." --David Letterman "The main doctor who performed surgery on Clinton just a few months ago gave $2,000 to the Bush campaign. The doctor said he's not a big Republican, it's just a thank you note for all the business he's gotten from Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "The doctors said Clinton could live a long, normal life if he practices some 'lifestyle control.' He could be dead in a week." --Jay Leno "John Kerry said Bush's middle initial 'W' stands for 'Wrong.' ... And Bush fired back today, saying the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for 'Phony.'" --Jay Leno "Ralph Nader has managed to get his name on the Florida ballot. He can't get his name on most ballots, but he managed to do it in Florida. Gee, I wonder who helped him there? --Jay Leno "Yesterday, a masked man in South Carolina robbed a bank with a rusty pitch fork. I think Zell Miller's starting to lose it." --Jay Leno "In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National Guard." --Jay Leno "That's quite a claim that Bush did coke and marijuana. You know who's going to get hurt by this? John Kerry. This means Bush could now carry California." --Jay Leno "Since the Republican National Convention, Kerry has been slipping in the polls. I think he's lost his confidence -- all week he's been telling people it's an honor just to be nominated." --David Letterman "They said Bush is ahead in a lot of issues like Iraq, terrorism and the economy, but Kerry is ahead in grammar, pronunciation and overall nuance." --Jay Leno "President Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery over the weekend and is recovering nicely. The doctors told him he can resume having sex in about two weeks. And Hillary said, 'If he does, I'll kill him.'" --David Letterman "Insiders say Clinton is recovering nicely --- he's already hitting on the chubby nurse." --David Letterman "President Clinton's operation was a complete success. He's up and walking. In fact, today, Clinton seen roaming the halls with his hospital gown on backwards." --Jay Leno "They said today this will be a life changing experience for President Clinton. And it is, it does change your life. The doctors told him, from now on, lay off the fat, and he said, 'Look, I haven't seen her in years.'" --Jay Leno "John Kerry called Bill Clinton Saturday night at the hospital and they say that Clinton talked to Kerry for 90 minutes, giving him advice. Clinton reportedly told Kerry to stop talking about Vietnam -- not during the campaign, on the phone." --Jay Leno "John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign. He says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'wrong', the wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee, I wonder if President Bush is going to say the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for 'flip-flop.' What, are they running for the president of the 8th grade? Shut up! Actually, Bush got the last laugh, he said, hey, everybody knows 'wrong' starts with the letter 'R.'" --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Aug. 29-Sept. 4 "Apparently, there were warning signs something was up. Like when President Clinton started grabbing his own chest for a change." --Jay Leno, on Clinton's quadruple bypass surgery "The anesthesiologist had a news conference today and he said they had a little problem using the gas on Bill Clinton to put him under, apparently they couldn't get him to inhale. ... They couldn't get him to go under. Luckily John Kerry called, spoke to him for ten minutes, and he was out like a light." --David Letterman "Former President Bill Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery earlier today and apparently the surgery went fine and he's going to be just great, so that's good news. I had five bypasses, he had four. Beginners. ... The doctors say within 48 hours I will be able to start doing jokes about him again." --David Letterman "Apparently Al Gore had a similar procedure. Yeah, it's true, about four years ago he had what is called an oval office bypass." --David Letterman "According to the latest polls taken right after the convention, President Bush is way up, way up in the polls. In fact, they said if the election was held today, the Supreme Court would re-elect him 7 to 2, which is better than last time." --Jay Leno "Bush and Kerry both focused on the battleground state of Ohio. See Bush knows no Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio. Of course, before Bush, no Republican had ever won the White House without winning the election." --Jay Leno "A Bush administration official said today we're moving closer and closer to capturing Osama bin Laden. Of course we're moving closer, it's almost election day. I'm predicting we'll get him, maybe, November 1st." --Jay Leno "In an interview with USA Today, former first lady Barbara Bush says she tries to avoid news coverage of world events. So apparently it's hereditary." --Jay Leno "Did you read this strange story of a woman that was caught trying pass a counterfeit $200 bill with a picture of George Bush on it? Turns out there is also a John Kerry bill -- pretty realistic, he's on both sides." --Jay Leno "Tonight at the Republican National Convention, in what was called the biggest speach of his career, President Bush took on his enemy, the English language." --Jay Leno "George Bush accepted the nomination and promised that if he's re-elected he promised to start reading memos. That's a good sign." --David Letterman "Now that Bush has accepted the nomination the next step, of course, is the rigging of the voting machines." --David Letterman "For the first 2 nights, the Republicans played the role of mild-mannered Bruce Banner -- courageous, compassionate. But last night, the green, monstrously muscled and angry face they tried to hard to conceal finally tore through their t-shirt of civility and announced to the world, you wouldn't like us when we're angry. ... Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. ... Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!" --Jon Stewart "In his speech tonight, President Bush said that America should create an ownership society. For example, if you're homeless, buy a home. Don't have a job? Buy a company, give yourself a job. These are simple solutions." --Jay Leno "Speaking about President Bush last night, Zell Miller said, 'I have knocked on the door of this man's soul and found someone home.' See, he originally tried to knock on the soul of Dick Cheney, but it had already been sold to the oil companies. So, he went to the president instead." --Jay Leno "The Republicans really went after John Kerry. In fact, Kerry took so many shots he got two more purple hearts." --Jay Leno "Don King was at the convention. He is a big Republican. He has given out a lot of Tyson's money. He wasn't there for the convention. He was at Madison Square Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller fight. ... Zell Miller was just crazy. Chris Matthews was trying to interview him. The secret service had to take him down with a tranquilizer" --Jay Leno "That's Democratic Georgia Senator Zell Miller, building that bridge to the 18th century." --Jon Stewart, on Zell Miller challenging Chris Matthews to a duel "Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a terrific speech last night. See, that's where the Republicans are really smart. They don't want to portray themselves as the right-wing party so they bring in an actor to play the moderate." --Jay Leno "Two woman protestors outside of Madison Square Garden tonight tried to avoid being arrested by taking off their tops in front of the police. They were topless. Bright idea, wrong convention. Should have been in Boston last month sweetheart." --Jay Leno "John Kerry was on vacation in Nantucket this week. When President Bush heard that he was taking a vacation with the country at war, the economy in trouble and security at high alert, he said, 'Wow! Maybe he really is presidential.'" --Jay Leno "In an interview with GQ magazine this month, John Kerry discussed what he looked for in a woman. He said the most important things was trust. As in trust fund." --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney showed his gentle side, he flashed his warm sneer." --Jay Leno "Republicans went from Arnold Schwarzenegger last night to Dick Cheney tonight. It's like, Arnold's like the picture in the dating service ad, and Dick's the guy who shows up." --Jay Leno "Monday on NBC Bush said about the war on terrorism, 'I don't think we can win it.' And yesterday he said at a rally, 'We will win it." John Kerry is furious. Now Bush is beating him on flip-flopping. Hey, that was his issue." --Jay Leno "On Monday President Bush said that we can't win the war on terrorism. Yesterday he said that we will win the war on terrorism, but earlier today he predicted a tie." --David Letterman "Protesters made it inside the Republican convention and started taking off their clothes. Republicans said it could have been worse, one of the naked protesters could have been Michael Moore." --Conan O'Brien "Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at the convention. It was historic. I believe it was the first time that a former Mr. Universe bodybuilder addressed a national convention since, well, Janet Reno." --David Letterman "Word now is circulating that Republicans are not tipping the hotel staff where they stay. And I'm thinking, Come on folks! Why not spread some of that Halliburton loot around?" --David Letterman "Earlier this week the Republican party held a reception for black Republicans. Apparently the receptions was a big success. They both showed up." --Conan O'Brien "Arnold is a powerful weapon for the GOP. He appeals to Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives -- everybody but film critics." --Jay Leno "Laura Bush also spoke last night. Very eloquent. She's been here before. A very gracious woman. She never once referred to Teresa Heinz Kerry by name, she only called her 'That Ketchup Bitch.'" --Jay Leno "Last night at a New York bar a group of reporters was told to move out of their seats so President Bush's daughters could sit down. Not because they are daughters of the president, but because they are regulars." --Conan O'Brien "John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there." --Jay Leno "In an interview on CNN today President Bush said he remembers John Kerry's anti-war testimony from 1971. And he said talking about it in the campaign is fair game. He remembers it? I thought Bush couldn't remember anything from the '70s." --Jay Leno "In the war on terrorism -- Osama bin Laden's cook and chauffeur have been captured. You get the feeling this is not the big victory Republicans were hoping for. More good news. It seems we're now closing in on bin Laden's pool boy and Pilates instructor." --Jay Leno "Here's the hypocrite of the week award, in Virginia, Congressman Ed Schrock, who opposed gay marriage and gays in the military suddenly dropped out of the race after allegations came out he called some gay sex hotline. You know who answered the phone? The governor of New Jersey!" --Jay Leno "You probably know it's been crazy here in New York City with the convention. We have had naked people in the streets. We have had all-night parties, arrests. And that's just the Bush twins." --David Letterman "The Republicans are in town this week. Don't worry, they will only be here until we are capable of self rule." --David Letterman "Over 800,000 New Yorkers left during the convention. Boy, Bush really knows how to clear a room, doesn't he? 800,000 people leave town because of the Republican convention. They raise the terror alert in New York to elevated, no New Yorkers leave. A threat by al Qaeda to destroy our financial institution, New Yorkers stand firm. Republicans come to town it's like, Get out of here." --Jay Leno "Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke tonight at the convention. At first they were planning on having Arnold speak on the same night as President Bush but, then they realized, oh no, the convention interpreter's head would have exploded." --Jay Leno "President Bush was talking to Matt Lauer on the NBC 'Today Show' and he says, 'We cannot win the war on terrorism.' And then Matt Lauer starting crying like a baby." --David Letterman "Michael Moore was at the Republican Convention, covering it for USA Today. Is that really the most unbiased reporter USA Today could come up with? That's kind of like sending Jessica Simpson to cover the National Spelling Bee. You're just not going to get the fair reporting." --Jay Leno "The FBI is now investigating whether there was a possible Israeli spy at the Pentagon. It is very serious. The FBI said Israel hasn't penetrated this far into our government since Governor McGreevey had an affair with an Israeli man." --Jay Leno "Michael Moore, the documentary film maker, was at the convention last night. That explains the tight security around the buffet line." --David Letterman "You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." --Jay Leno "John Kerry spent yesterday wind surfing -- because when you're in a statistical dead heat you just want to kick back and relax." --David Letterman "The Republican National Convention got underway last night. Or as Democrats call it, Fear Factor. ...Monday's theme was courage. Tuesday's is compassion. And Wednesday and Thursday's themes are gas and oil." --Jay Leno "Last night the Secret Service tackled a man that was screaming profanity and running towards Dick Cheney. Afterwards the Secret Service said they never realized Michael Moore could move so fast." --Conan O'Brien "Many people in Britain are upset because last night at the convention Giuliani compared President Bush to Winston Churchill. Not only that, President Bush is upset because he has no idea who Winston Churchill is." -Conan O'Brien "Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech tonight. Before the speech, this is true, Governor Schwarzenegger stopped at a firehouse and he praised the firefighters for 'the balls you have to do the job you do.' Then, so he didn't appear sexist, Schwarzenegger told the female firefighters they had nice hooters." -Conan O'Brien "Tonight was the opening night of the Republican convention and the theme for this year's convention is building a more hopeful ... ah, who cares." --David Letterman "President Bush now says the problems we're having in Iraq are because we won the war too quickly. He says the war was 'a catastrophic success.' He's also calling the economy a 'disastrous achievement.'" --Jay Leno "The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard." --David Letterman "The Republican Convention opened up here the other day in New York City. Over the weekend with the Republicans in town it was just like the sixties. The air was full of tear gas and weed. ... Great times in New York City -- we got the protesters, we got the riot police, we got the bomb sniffing dogs. I mean, where do you folks go next, Najaf?" --David Letterman "If you are planning on going to the convention, even if you are a delegate, you're going to get frisked, you're going to get patted down, you're going to get groped, and that's just by Arnold Schwarzenegger." --David Letterman "The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" --Jay Leno "Our USA team ended up winning 103 medals, although I understand today, a group of Vietnam swift boat veterans came forward to say that a lot of the athletes really didn't earn all their medals." --Jay Leno "Good news today for Florida -- they've just selected the observers who will work on Election Day to make sure the votes are counted fairly. The bad news -- it's the Olympic gymnastic judges." --Jay Leno "Scary moment for Dick Cheney. He was on Air Force 2 when a small plane came towards them. Air Force 2 had to take emergency action to avoid hitting it. For a minute there, George Bush was this close to becoming acting president." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Aug. 22-28 "You folks excited about the Republican convention? Well here's good news, Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge has declared New York City is safe, New York City is safe. Of course, that's based on 4-year-old intelligence." --David Letterman "The Republican National Convention is about to start up. President Bush sounds like he's ready. Big interview with him in USA Today. President Bush says, 'I am not going to come in second.' Again." --Jimmy Kimmel "The new polls show that Bush is ahead. But people say Kerry still has a chance as long as the press doesn't turn up any more embarrassing medals." --Bill Maher "Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo." --Bill Maher "It's now almost certain that terrorists brought down those two Russian airliners ... When president bush was told that terrorists had just crashed two planes, out of habit he didn't move for seven minutes." --Bill Maher "You know the Secret Service, they guard the president and his family and they have code names for every member of his family. And the Bush twins, the code names for the Bush twins -- Twinkle and Turquoise. Oh wait no, I'm sorry, those are the names for Governor Jim McGreevey and his friend." --David Letterman "Dick Cheney has spoken out now in favor of gay unions, however, he stopped short of endorsing synchronized diving. He said that's going a little too far." --David Letterman "Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this -- if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble." --David Letterman "We're already starting to get some Republicans in town for the convention. You know what that means -- by this time next week it will be impossible to hail a cab or a hooker." --David Letterman "John Kerry said that George Bush is running a 'fear and smear' campaign. Bush quickly shot back and said that John Kerry is running a 'flip-flop and a -- nothing rhymes with flip-flop!'" --Craig Kilborn "Governor Schwarzenegger has a plan. We're in a lot of trouble financially in the state and he thinks he knows how to solve the problem. Step 1 -- the state of California is having a yard sale this weekend. I'm not kidding. They're selling all sorts of surplus crap -- office furniture, espresso machines, computers and, one of the more interesting items, Gray Davis the former Governor." --Jimmy Kimmel "Experts are now saying that the failures of the Abu Garib prison may implicate Donald Rumsfeld. In response, Rumsfeld stripped the experts naked and walked them around on a leash." --David Letterman "John Kerry says he has a plaque on his desk that reads 'The Buck Stops Here' and his wife has a plaque that says 'The Other 2 Billion Stops Here.'" --Craig Kilborn "The city is drawing the line when it comes to Central Park. The group United for Peace and Justice, which is expecting a quarter-million people for its rally on Sunday has been denied use of the park. The city instead offered them use of the West Side highway. Organizers said that site lacks drinking water and other facilities. So, long story short, they're going to have it over at Jeremy Friedman's apartment. It's a studio, but it has a loft, so it's got a spacious feel." --Jon Stewart "Actually, the reason cited by the city for shutting off the park to protestors? Concern over the damage it would to do to the grass. One-hundred million (dollars) spent on security, and they're hung up on lawn care. Honestly, if next week comes and our worst problem is divots, I'll be pretty damn pleased." --Jon Stewart "Yesterday the men's soccer team from Iraq lost in the semi-finals to Paraguay. There dream of winning gold is over, but on the bright side, they get to keep their hands." --Jimmy Kimmel "Dick Cheney broke ranks with President Bush and says he supports gay marriage and plans to gay marry soon. ... He's narrowed his list of target husbands down to Charleton Heston, fashion critic Steven Cojocaru and long time bachelor Uncle Sam. ... Now if he can just lose 25 pounds he can fit into his dress." --Jimmy Kimmel "Cheney has softened his stance on homosexual marriage ever since Halliburton got into the gay wedding business." -Craig Kilborn "It turns out that New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has not submitted his resignation. However he did submit some wonderful decorating ideas for the Governor's mansion." --David Letterman "The road to the White House turned muddy over the weekend as the Kerry campaign charged that the president is behind negative ads that attack Kerry's record in Vietnam. To be fair President Bush did criticize the ads saying they were too short." --Craig Kilborn "The Bush campaign has denied involvement in the Swift Boat ad saying that the president has spent his entire life avoiding anything having to do with Vietnam." --Craig Kilborn "Kerry said the ads hurt him deeply and emotionally then asked, 'Does that make me eligible for any kind of medal?'" --Craig Kilborn "The Republicans are in town and they're going to be in town doing two things — slander John Kerry and try to get laid. " --David Letterman "President Bush is sending aid to Florida after the hurricane. Not to help the people but to fix the crooked voting machines." --David Letterman "Ted Kennedy was stopped for going on an airline because his name somehow ended up on a no-fly list. Is this really safe for people — Ted Kennedy driving?" --Craig Kilborn "Joe Piscopo announced he's running for governor. And all of New Jersey is asking, can we just keep the gay guy?" --Craig Kilborn ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Aug. 15-21 "Attendance at this year's Olympics is so bad that al Qaeda operatives were caught scalping tickets half-price so they'd have enough fans to attack." --Craig Kilborn "The good news -- the president has announced the troops will finally be coming home. The bad news -- not the troops you're thinking of and not for another 10 years. ... Troops stationed in such cold war hot spots like Japan, Germany and Korea will leave and start heading home, and oh, end up in Iraq." --Jon Stewart "The first lady raises a valid point. Since it would take years for stem cell research to find a cure for Alzheimer's, why start? It makes no sense. If you can only save people eventually, you're really doing a disservice." --Jon Stewart, on Laura Bush's claim that embryonic stem cell research is too preliminary and gives people false hope "Our nation's governor's are rising to the occasion to send supplies to Florida. There was a terrible hurricane down there. Schwarzenegger is sending water and Pataki is sending food. McGreevey is sending throw pillows." --Craig Kilborn "Since he announced last week that he's gay, outgoing New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's approval ratings actually went up two points. It went from 43 to 45 percent. Which means, at that rate, he's only got to announce he's gay 27 and a half more times." --Jimmy Kimmel "Difficult as it may seem, Republicans urged voters to not let McGreevey's gayness over shadow his corruption." -Craig Kilborn "State officials say they first started to suspect something when McGreevey changed the state logo from 'New Jersey and You: Perfect Together' to 'Chaps.'" --Craig Kilborn "The man that McGreevey was with says he's not gay. To which Governor McGreevey replied, 'I know that's what makes it so hot.'" --Craig Kilborn "Turns out the man McGreevey has alleged to have had an affair with, Golan Cipel, has threatened to file a sexual harassment case against him for what some reports predict for $1 million. Cipel is the man McGreevey tabbed for a six-figure homeland security job even though he is an Israeli citizen so if you're keeping score at home, this story is now bad for gays and the Jews." --Jon Stewart ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Aug. 8-14 "The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.'" --Bill Maher "The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'" --Bill Maher "Apparently he was having an affair with a homosexual Israeli poet, who he appointed the state's homeland security adviser. Which partially explains why New Jersey's terror alert colors were parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme." --Bill Maher, on New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey "Florida is about to be hit by Hurricane Charley. Authorities are telling people to evacuate certain areas. You know when Florida should be evacuated? On Election Day. Just get everybody to leave." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry 'lacks deeply held convictions.' Today Kerry shot back, he said, 'That's not completely true.'" --Jay Leno "Cheney also warned Americans about a group that is trying to impose their radical extremism on everyone else. He said they have no tolerance for democracy and no tolerance for people with a different religious faith. Then he said, 'Oh I'm sorry that's our platform.'" --Jay Leno "San Francisco has annulled its 4,000 gay marriages. One of the gay men said it was a terrible disappointment to have your marriage annulled so quickly, but on the bright side, I feel just like Britney Spears." --Bill Maher "Dick Cheney has been all over the airwaves this week ridiculing John Kerry for using the word 'sensitivity' in his approach to the war. Then Kerry shot back with all kind of instances where both Cheney and Bush had used the word 'sensitive.' At one point the exchange got so heated that they forgot who was rubber and who was glue." --Bill Maher "Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno "In a stunning announcement, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey announced that he had an extramarital affair with another man. Finally, a Democrat who can honestly say, 'I did not have sex with that woman!" --Jay Leno "Here's the amazing part -- he's been married twice before and now he's gay. And you thought John Kerry couldn't make up his mind." --Jay Leno, on James McGreevey "President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish. What a country we live in!" --Jay Leno "While campaigning in Arizona, John Kerry and his wife, Teresa, got into a big fight. A group of Vietnam vets said, 'He wasn't even in the area when the fight started.'" --Craig Kilborn "President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'" --Craig Kilborn "President Bush officially made his nomination for Director of the CIA: Republican Porter Goss from Florida, who is an ex-CIA agent himself. A bad sign: The potential new head of the CIA said the nomination came as a complete surprise." --Craig Kilborn "Experts say it will be impossible for Goss to fill George Tenet's shoes and he'll have to settle for being totally wrong just 80 percent of the time." --Craig Kilborn "President Bush was in Florida where he asked voters to once again send him to the White House. Voters in Florida said, 'Hey, we never sent you in the first place. That was the Supreme Court."' --Jay Leno "Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa. Or as they're now called, 'Cash and Kerry.' According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after a campaign rally in Arizona and had to sleep in separate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote." --Jay Leno "Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that he will not be attending the Republican convention. Uh oh. So I guess they're going to have to find another black guy." --Jay Leno "This week, G.I. Joe celebrates his 40th birthday. And today, Republicans questioned his military service" --Craig Kilborn "President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno "Yesterday John Kerry visited the Grand Canyon. Afterwards Kerry said I haven't seen crevasses like that since I shaved this morning." --Conan O'Brien "The Justice Department announced today that two years ago they had video surveillance that suggested that terrorists were targeting Las Vegas, but the public was not told because they thought it would hurt tourism. You think? Apparently even terror alerts fall under 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.'" --Jay Leno "John Kerry has also proposed a ten-year plan for energy independence and President Bush said 'Oh it's not going to take that long to get all the oil out of Iraq.'" --Jay Leno "According to a new poll 65 percent approve of the way Arnold Schwarzenegger is running the state. Not surprisingly the other 35 percent are girly men." --Conan O'Brien "When they say they served with Kerry in Vietnam, what they really mean is that they were in Vietnam at the same time. Kind of like how Snoopy served with the Red Baron" --Jon Stewart, on the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who have attacked Kerry's military service record "For the first time, John Kerry has criticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment, he would have told them he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something — if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. 'Kids, I gotta go now. Kids?! Kids?!'" --Jay Leno "This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,' doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was best man." --Jay Leno "Over the weekend, President Bush — who got into Yale after his father and grandfather went there — talked about the evils of alumni getting preferential treatment. He said he had to knock on a lot of doors to be successful. This is the kind of thing that drives the Kerry people nuts. While President Bush inherited his money, Kerry earned his the old fashioned way: He married it!" --Jay Leno "First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right around the corner.'" --Jay Leno "While meeting with minority journalists Kerry was asked last week if he would have gone to war if Saddam Hussein would have refused to disarm. He said 'You bet we might have.' Can you imagine when he and Bush debate? One guy can't speak his mind and the other can't make up this mind." --Jay Leno "In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that for Nader? You can't get on the ballot in California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out you're not up to the legal qualifications of porn star Mary Carey or Gary Coleman." --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Aug. 1-7 "John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train — that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction." —Jay Leno "The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers are switching to Viagra." —David Letterman "The federal government reported that despite much higher expectations U.S. employers only added 32,000 jobs to the payroll this month. Even worse folks, the jobs were all in India." —Conan O'Brien "The Labor Department reported only 32,000 jobs were created last month. 32,000! The Kerrys have more servants than that." —Jay Leno "Republicans are now trying to energize their Amish vote. Dick Cheney is really pandering to the Amish. Today he told a senator to go f--- thyself." —Bill Maher "A controversial new book claims that John Kerry laughed while burning enemy villages and slaughtering animals. I don't buy it — Kerry laughing?" —Craig Kilborn "Here's something I thought I'd never see President Bush do. He came out today against legacy admissions in college. You know like if the father went to the school they say the kids get in easier. Bush says the fact that his father and grandfather went to Yale had nothing to do with him getting into Yale. It was simply a matter of him personally meeting with the dean and getting him high." —Bill Maher "They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican candidate to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found one in our own friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand conservative preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ... It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and now they can't find a black person in Chicago." —Bill Maher "This week the Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is 'We've Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old slogan 'Do What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" —Conan O'Brien "On the campaign trail, people are coming up to Teresa Kerry and telling her to keep speaking her mind. Not surprisingly, they all work for the Bush campaign" —Conan O'Brien "Do you know what happened on this day 4 years ago? Well, whatever it was, the Department of Homeland Security just found out today." —Jay Leno "This weekend, John Kerry's going to be meeting with leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. They found out that there were two Americas and they want both of them back. While Kerry's on the reservation he will go by his Indian name, Longface." —Jay Leno "The Republicans now getting ready for their big convention in New York City. Apparently they have a plan for going into New York, but they don't have a plan for getting out." —Jay Leno "Baseball has come out with these John Kerry and George W. Bush bobblehead dolls. They're pretty realistic. The John Kerry bobblehead is huge and the Bush bobblehead is empty." —Jay Leno "In Davenport, Iowa, while President Bush and John Kerry were giving speeches they had three banks robberies. You know you let Washington politicians in your town and you're going to attract the wrong element. ... Luckily both Bush and Kerry have been eliminated as suspects. Because of his wife Kerry doesn't need the money and, come on, nobody believes Bush is smart enough to pull off this kind of job." —Jay Leno "Bush and Kerry tried to plan their schedules so they're not in the same place at the same time. A tradition they started during Vietnam." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush told the crowd with your help Cheney and I will have four more years. I'm sorry that was his meeting with the Supreme Court." —Jay Leno "A crowd in Iowa gathered around John Kerry in a corn field for 1/2 an hour before they realized it was a scarecrow." —David Letterman "At a Bush rally in Colorado folks stood up and asked questions. It turns out that they were plants. Bush knew the answers in advance. Bush said hey it worked at Yale." —Craig Kilborn "Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair." —Jay Leno "Both President Bush and John Kerry campaigned in Davenport, Iowa, just a few blocks away from each other. This allowed voters the choice of getting scared to death or bored to death." —Conan O'Brien "Political experts continue to be baffled over John Kerry's failure to get a bump in popularity after the election. Jimmy Carter got a bump in '76. Reagan got a bump in '80. Bill Clinton not only got a bump in '92 — he got a bump and a grind" —Jay Leno "This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whooping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it. ... Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us — it's the circle of life." —Jon Stewart "After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was — oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today." —Jon Stewart "The White House admitted that the latest terror threat was based on information that was four years old. A president's spokesman said that al Qaeda plans the attacks well in advance and then updates the plans just before attacking. Something that Bush doesn't do." —Jay Leno "Al Qaeda's new strategy is to destroy our financial institutions and bring the nation's big businesses and major corporations to its knees. No wait, I'm sorry, that's Ralph Nader's platform." —Jay Leno "President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just 'talks a good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that." —Jay Leno "Bush and Kerry were both campaigning in Davenport, Iowa. I didn't realize that was the hub of politics. They were speaking just three blocks away from each other. While Bush and Kerry were speaking three banks were robbed. I guess the robbers felt that they could get the money before the politicians get the money and run out of town." —Jay Leno "According to the Drudge Report the domestic centerpiece, the Republican agenda for the second Bush term, is to get rid of the IRS. So Bush is really serious about going after these terrorist organizations." —Jay Leno "Voters in Missouri voted overwhelmingly to make gay marriage illegal. Not only that but the people of Missouri also voted to change their nickname to the 'Don't Show Me State.'" —Conan O'Brien "We find out that the information that they're using to raise the terror alert thing is four years old. It's four years old! Apparently President Bush just got around to reading it." —David Letterman "You can tell that the information is dated because al Qaeda was planning an attack during Al Gore's inauguration." —David Letterman "The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." —Jay Leno "Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said in a press conference that several of our major financial institutions are in danger of being hit by terrorists. When John Kerry heard about this, he immediately placed Teresa Heinz Kerry in an undisclosed location." —Jay Leno "A lot of people are wondering if these terror threats are politically motivated and today Tom Ridge said in a press conference: We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify the threat and then assign it a pretty little color to go with it." —Jay Leno "John Kerry and John Edwards recently published their political promises and strategies in a book. You see that's smart putting all their ideas in a book. This way they're certain to keep them secret from Bush." —Jay Leno "John Kerry told George Stephanopoulos that he has a secret plan for Iraq. But he said he can't reveal it unless he's elected president. Bush has a plan too, he just can't talk about it either until he's really 'elected' president." —Jay Leno "It's the first time since 1972 that a candidate didn't get a bump from their convention. In fact not only didn't Kerry get a bump but President Bush gained 4 percentage points. And today Bush asked Kerry if he would speak at the Republican convention too." —Jay Leno "According to a new report al Qaeda is trying to bring down our U.S. financial institutions. Let me tell you that won't be easy because there's a lot of competition. Enron, Adelphia, Global Crossing — they're all trying." —Jay Leno "The latest polls say that Bush and Kerry are tied. President Bush said forget Kerry, how am I doing with the candidate from Manchuria?" —Craig Kilborn "According to his daughter John Kerry once gave CPR to a hamster. Wait a minute — didn't the same thing happen to Richard Gere." —David Letterman "Now, on the subject of the convention, most observers agreed last week brought a newly energized Democratic party, one focused on a common goal. With the party now in the spotlight, many people are wondering ...(Stewart handed a piece of paper) Oh. Terror warning. Guess I'll have to stop talking about the Democrats." —Jon Stewart "Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family." —Jon Stewart "John Kerry is getting a little desperate. He's changed his slogan from 'Hope is on the way' to 'My wife will buy you a Lexus.'" —Craig Kilborn "The president announced a new position for one man to be in charge of all terrorism-related decisions. Don't we have this? Isn't this called the president?" —Craig Kilborn "Bush spent all morning reading the latest security briefing even though it took time away from ignoring the middle class." —Craig Kilborn "Meanwhile, out on the campaign trail, John Kerry says he wants to follow all the 9-11 committee recommendations, except for the one about not electing John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn "Kerry and Edwards set out on a two-week, 21-state bus tour. On the side of the bus it says, 'Believe in America.' You know what it says on the side of Ralph Nader's bus? 'Exact change only.'" —Jay Leno "Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme: 'Heart and Soul.' I think that sounds better than their first choice, 'Oil and Gas."' —Jay Leno "Bush is back in DC, that's where he goes when he wants to get away from the ranch for a few weeks." —Jay Leno "Bush said he is working hard to cut off al Qaeda's finances and believe me, he is the man to do it. He drove three companies into bankruptcy — what's one more?" —Jay Leno "Dick Cheney says that terrorists attacks are caused by the perception of weakness and then he ran back to his under ground bunker in an undisclosed location." —David Letterman "Good news at the Democratic national convention in Boston -- the balloons finally fell. They were supposed to cascade down onto the stage but the stagehand who was supposed to pull the lever couldn't move it, finally Teresa ... yelled 'Shove it! Shove it!' And of course then they came down." —Jay Leno "This year the Kerrys joined the Edwards at Wendy's for their anniversary and — what a coincidence — waiting on all of them was Al Gore." —David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of July 25-31 "At the convention John Kerry showed up with all his Vietnam crewmates. And not to be outdone, next month at the Republican Convention George W. Bush is going to show up with all his college drinking buddies." —David Letterman "Last night, wow, John Edwards delivered a positive message to America that hope is on the way, hope is on the way! And today, Dick Cheney replied, 'That is a lie. The world is a pit of misery and despair.'" —Craig Kilborn "The Democrats have pledged to spend over $250 million to get rid of Bush, and that to me seems excessive. I mean really, all they need is a mountain bike and a pebble." —Craig Kilborn "Kerry explained he was in a rock band because he did it to meet girls. And today President Clinton called and said, 'If you think that's a great way to meet girls, wait'll you become president.'" —Jay Leno "The Democrats are very proud of John Kerry's service record. And they choose those words carefully. They always say 'decorated war hero.' And let me tell you why they do that. They always say 'hero' because that appeals to women. Women like that — hero. 'War' — that appeals to men. They relate to that — war. And 'decorated,' that gets in the gay vote." —Jay Leno "Vice presidential nominee John Edwards really got the crowd going by saying 'Hope is on the way.' That's his new theme, 'Hope is on the way.' But see that means different things to different people. For example, when you tell President Bush hope is on the way, well that means Dick Cheney is coming. When you tell Dick Cheney hope is on the way, well that means the ambulance is coming." —Jay Leno "John Edwards had some tough words for Osama bin Laden. He said, 'We will destroy you.' And then he said, 'If that doesn't work, we'll sue your ass. I'll get you in court.'" —Jay Leno "John Edwards was introduced by his wife Elizabeth Edwards who announced that she and John will celebrate their 27th wedding anniversary today. They celebrate it the same way every year. They go to Wendy's. He takes her to Wendy's for their anniversary. Forget that 'Hope is on the way' stuff. This should be Edwards' platform. If he could convince his wife to go to Wendy's for their anniversary, think what he could convince world leaders to do." —Jay Leno "How many of you folks watched the Democratic convention? It's over and now the Republicans have just one month to become ethnically diverse." —David Letterman "Did you see any of that convention? Oh, my God. Wow! For that kind of excitement you had to go back to the Gore/Lieberman era." —David Letterman "Teresa Heinz Kerry has a book coming out. I believe it's called 'It takes a villa.'" —David Letterman "Did you see John Edwards speaking? His speech was so dull that Teresa Hines Kerry told him to shove it!" —David Letterman "How many of you saw John Kerry's acceptance speech? It's the first time he's ever said 'I do' and didn't get any money." —Craig Kilborn "John Kerry earlier tonight accepted the nomination, and out of habit, Al Gore demanded a recount." —David Letterman "I don't know if you've heard the rumors — George Bush may be dropping Dick Cheney. George Bush says he's going to give Cheney four more years. The bad news — the doctor is only giving him two" —Craig Kilborn "Have you heard about this movie, 'The Manchurian Candidate'? Pretty scary. It's about a guy who gets a chip implanted in his head when he was in the military and then runs for president and the big corporations tell him what to do. Do you really need a chip for that? Just send in a big campaign contribution. That'll take care of it, you don't need the chip." —Jay Leno "John Edwards gave his speech and I thought he did a great job considering he was a last minute replacement for John McCain." —Jay Leno "In fact, Edwards' speech was so good, when he finished, the delegates awarded him $80 million plus punitive damages." —Jay Leno "The Democrats kept mentioning that John Kerry is a decorated war hero, but did you know that Dick Cheney has a purple heart. Did you know that? It's from eating steaks, not from the military, but hey!" —Jay Leno "Now that the Democratic convention is over, the Republicans are getting ready for theirs. Their slogan for Bush: Four more wars, four more wars!" —Jay Leno "The Republicans keep telling us the Democrats are trying to divide the country. Then the Democrats keep telling us the Republicans are trying to divide the country. And the result, the country is divided. Nice work, fellas! Hell of a job!" —Jay Leno "A bunch of brand new electronic voting machines down in Florida actually malfunctioned two years ago during a local election, leaving absolutely no way to do a recount and erasing any proof that anybody actually voted. You ever noticed we never have any trouble with Lotto machines? Why is that?" —Jay Leno "Apparently, Florida bought these new machines from the same company that makes those machines you see in supermarkets, where you try to pick up the stuffed animal with the claw." —Jay Leno "John Edwards spoke at the Democratic Convention. He described John Kerry by saying, 'He's strong, decisive, and hogs the covers.'" —Craig Kilborn "The Democratic National Convention continued in Boston as rising star Barack Obama wowed the crowd with the best keynote address in recent memory. Obama was so impressive, the party's considering having him give John Kerry's concession speech." —Craig Kilborn "Did you all hear former President Clinton's speech Monday night? It was great. ... You know it made me kind of nostalgic. It reminded me of a different time when presidents could actually talk." —Jay Leno "We're learning more and more about potential first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry. Very well educated woman. Did you know that? In fact she can say 'shove it' in five different languages." —Jay Leno "Teresa Heinz told a reporter to go 'shove it' the other day. When Hillary heard about it she said 'You go girl.' John Kerry said 'she acted appropriately.' Bill Clinton said 'he likes it when girls talk dirty.'" —Jay Leno "Talking about the incident, John Kerry said he would never criticize his wife. When reporters asked him why, he said he had over a billion reasons." —Jay Leno "Illinois senatorial candidate Barak Obama, he's the new rising star of the Democratic party. He gave the keynote address at the Democratic convention. When they told President Bush about Obama, Bush said, 'Isn't that the guy we can't find? Why don't we grab him? He was right there!'" —Jay Leno "A computer crash wiped out voting records from Miami-Dade County's touchscreen voting machines. ... A voting problem in Florida? ... Nooooo! Officials were shocked. They said, 'We had voting records? Who knew?' The good news, officials said this will not impact the election in November. Those votes will be counted and lost by hand!" —Jay Leno "CBS did not carry the convention last night. You know you're in trouble when you're too dull for CBS." —David Letterman "An embarrassing picture of John Kerry was in the paper yesterday. He put on this space suit or something while taking a tour of Cape Canaveral. His campaign is accusing someone at NASA of releasing the picture. There weren't suppose to be any cameras because he looks like the oompa loompa from Willy Wonka." —Jimmy Kimmel "And the big convention kickoff. Monday's theme: 'The Kerry-Edwards plan for America's future.' It was a powerful message lacking only Kerry, Edwards, and a plan for America's future. In its stead: dance party!" —Jon Stewart "You had Ted Kennedy kicking things off, and then you had Howard Dean, and then you had Teresa Heinz Kerry. Yes, it was loose cannon Tuesday." —David Letterman "Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic Convention and some reporters loved his speech. They got all pumped up and started chanting Four More Whores." —Craig Kilborn "Former President Clinton did not give the keynote address. However, he did give a key, a note and his address to a waitress who was working the concession stand." —Jay Leno "How about Bubba? Watching that speech, he had to stop 23 times for applause and 3 times for sex." —David Letterman "As you know Teresa Heinz Kerry has been taking criticism for telling a reporter to 'shove it' the other day ... Can you blame Teresa Heinz Kerry, really? I mean what's the point of having a billion dollars if you can't tell someone to 'shove it'?" —Jay Leno "Some good news comes out of this 'shove it' controversy: Teresa Heinz and Dick Cheney just formed a rap group." —Craig Kilborn "It's now being reported that John Edwards' younger brother, Wesley, turned himself in to the state of Colorado for a warrant relating to a 1993 DUI arrest ... This proves Edwards is presidential. Have you noticed that most presidents have embarrassing brothers? Bill Clinton had Roger Clinton; Jimmy Carter had his brother, Billy Carter. You know the embarrassing brother in the Bush family? George." —Jay Leno "Democrats were reluctant to allow Al-Jazeera in their convention, because they thought their coverage would be biased and hostile. Then they realized it couldn't be any worse than Fox News." —Jay Leno "According to a poll in Time magazine, 53 percent of people say it's time for someone else to be president. The other 47 percent said they were happy with Dick Cheney." —Jay Leno "Here's a quiz: do you know who the 42nd president was? Al Gore. I believe he was president for about 40 seconds." —Jay Leno "There was one uncomfortable moment when Al Gore accepted the nomination." —David Letterman, on the Democratic Convention "Michael Moore was in attendance at the convention ... which explains the extraordinarily tight security around the buffet." —David Letterman "Howard Dean spoke at the Democratic Convention. They didn't give him a time limit, they just said, 'Turn the lights out when you leave.'" —Craig Kilborn "The convention is surrounded by police, they've got sharp shooters, and the FBI is there. Security is tighter than John Kerry's face after a Botox injection." —Jay Leno "Have you heard the John Kerry slogan? The theme is a lifetime of strength and service. Do you really want to run on an old Maytag slogan?" —David Letterman "As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn "Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats, cause the Democrats are like the Red Sox. They're optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer, and ready to choke in the fall." —Jay Leno "While the Democrats are up in Boston, the Republicans are down in Florida tinkering with the voting machines." —David Letterman "John Kerry decided on the new party slogan: "The Democratic Party — Love It or Shove It!" —Jay Leno "This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.' And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had 'shove it,' 'girlie men,' and Dick Cheney saying, 'Go f yourself!"' —Jay Leno "John Kerry threw out the first pitch in tonight's Yankees/Red Sox game, the pitch went left then right, then right then left, the right again, and finally landed on the fence." —Craig Kilborn "Before John Kerry threw out the first ball before last nights Yankee/Red Sox game, he asked, 'Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.'" —Jay Leno "Let's face it, America, things aren't great right now. We have unemployment, high gas prices and a hostage crisis in the Middle East. And Jimmy Carter is going, 'Those were my ideas!"' —Craig Kilborn "Maria Shriver said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is 'more compassionate and considerate than he's ever been.' Yeah, for example, now when he grabs a breast, he always cuddles afterward." —Conan O'Brien ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of July 18-24 "The 9/11 report that came out yesterday, they stress that we do not have the luxury of time. What does Congress do today? Leave for a six week vacation. ... Leave it to Congress to make George Bush look like a workaholic." —Jay Leno "The 9/11 commission report said that the attacks occurred due to the government's failure of imagination. Our government has a great imagination. We imagine weapons of mass destruction, we imagine we catch bin Laden, we thought the Iraqi people would love us. We're Disney." —Jay Leno "Sandy Berger has not read the 9/11 report either, but he does have a copy of it stuffed down his pants." —Jay Leno "The Kerry campaign said that John Kerry will show his softer side at the convention. You already see him and Edwards fondling each other. What, are they going to be spooning now?" —Jay Leno "During the Democratic Convention next week Bill Clinton is scheduled to host a policy briefing at the Wang Theater. Don't they see what his is leading to? That's like the Republicans putting Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Hooters restaurant." —Jay Leno "The Democratic National Convention gets under way this week in Boston, which is tragically preparing for its turn at the national stage. By the way all the security isn't to keep people out -- it's to keep people in during Hillary's speech." —Craig Kilborn "Security's going to be tight at the Republican convention. You'll be frisked, patted down, you'll be groped — and that's just by Arnold" —David Letterman "As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how much time the major networks are going to devote to convention coverage? Three hours. Three hours total. One hour a night for three nights to pick a president. That's about one-tenth of the time we devote to finding an 'American Idol.'" —Jay Leno "Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president." —Craig Kilborn "They released the 9/11 report today and President Bush wasted no time not reading it." —David Letterman "They gave [Bush] the 9/11 report this morning. Already it is in bookstores. How does this happen? Did they delay giving it to the president until the truck gets to B. Dalton? ... Is this a government report on the most horrible thing that's ever happened to this country or the new Harry Potter book? ... It's getting good reviews too. 'If you read only one congressional report critical of the U.S. preparedness for terrorism prior to 9/11 this year, this is it!' — Cokie Roberts. 'Well-researched. Convincing.' — Osama Bin Laden. 'Totally awesome!' — Tony Hawk. 'Grabs you by the nipples and won't let go!' — Ted Kennedy. ... This weekend President Bush will be signing copies at the Pasadena Barnes and Noble." —Jimmy Kimmel "To celebrate the 35th anniversary of the moon landing, President Bush met with Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong. ... There was one awkward moment, when Bush said to Armstrong, 'I hear you're doing great in the Tour-de-France.'" —Conan O'Brien "President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." —Jay Leno "The Bush administration announced this week they want to lift the ban on logging. This is part of their No Tree Left Behind program." —Jay Leno "The Bush twins are going online to do an online chat on the Bush re-election website. It's the first chat line in history where two people claiming to be attractive 22-year-old twins are actually attractive 22-year-old twins." —Jay Leno "It was reported today that when Bill Clinton's book was translated in China the Chinese government added passages where Clinton praises Mao Tse Tong and the Chinese people. In fact, the chinese version Clinton's book isn't called 'My Life' it's called 'Me Love You Long Time'" —Conan O'Brien "Bill Clinton's former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is under investigation for sneaking highly classified documents out of the National Archives by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about the Clinton people that always are investigated for something down their pants?" —Jay Leno "Former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger has been accused of smuggling confidential documents outside of the office in his pants. I believe the last Democrat to have a bulge in his pants got impeached." —David Letterman "As John Kerry rides John Edwards charisma into the Democratic convention this week, Washington is abuzz that Vice President Cheney might be dropped from the Republican ticket. On the plus side if he doesn't run, Cheney can spend more time ignoring his lesbian daughter." —Craig Kilbnorn "White House officials tried to talk to Cheney about softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt him when he's yelling at puppies." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush says he does not want to be known as the war president. He'd prefer to be known as the peace president. It's like when they started calling used cars pre-owned." —Jimmy Kimmel "To mark the 35th anniversary of the Apollo landing, President Bush met with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. And then Bush asked, where's Captain Kirk?" —Craig Kilborn "Two big stories today involve celebrities Arnold Schwarzenegger and Martha Stewart. One is having problems in Sacramento with girly men and the other is going to prison with manly girls." —Jay Leno "Martha Stewart's empire is said to be worth a billion dollars. Or as John Kerry calls her, the one that got away." —Jay Leno "In an interview with ESPN magazine John Kerry said he learned about life by playing sports. Want to know the most frustrating thing about playing sports for Kerry? Finding a helmet that fits." —Jay Leno "President Bush's daughter Jenna is campaigning with the president now and today she stuck her tongue out at reporters. President Bush was so furious at Jenna's childish behavior that he called her a doodie head." —Conan O'Brien "In a speech the other day to the Amish, President Bush said that God speaks through him. That's what he said. I don't know, do you think God would mispronounce that many words?" —Jay Leno "President Bush said today he is looking into if Iran had anything to do with 9/11, but he's not declaring war yet. He said first he wants to know all the facts -- so apparently he's trying a new strategy." —Jay Leno "Governor Schwarzenegger has not apologized for calling Sacramento lawmakers girly men. I'm not surprised. He still hasn't apologized for making that 'Jingle All The Way' movie." —Jay Leno "Clinton National Security advisor Sandy Berger is now under criminal investigation for destroying highly classified intelligence documents. His lawyer says what he did wasn't illegal -- it was just sloppy. Which I think was Bill Clinton's defense wasn't it?" —Jay Leno "Howard Dean was at the Washington, D.C., airport. He's in a pay phone when a thief reached in and swiped his wallet and ran away. ... Usually when a democratic presidential candidate gets robbed it's not until November." —Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney attended his 45th high school reunion. Not surprisingly, during high school Cheney was voted most likely not to live until his 45th high school reunion." —Conan O'Brien "The other day John Edwards attended a fundraiser at Disney World's Magic Kingdom. Unfortunately for Edwards park officials kept coming up to him and asking where his mommy and daddy were?" —Conan O'Brien "The Bush daughters have joined the campaign to help their father in his election for president and it was announced that their Secret Service code names are Twinkle and Turquoise. Twinkle and Turquoise? To which Kerry and Edwards said, 'Hey! Those are our code names; that's what we call each other! Come on!"' —Jay Leno "Lot of controversy over Arnold Schwarzenegger calling Democratic opponents 'girlie men.' John Kerry and John Edwards were so stunned they stopped kissing." —Craig Kilborn "Edwards started this whole thing about there are 'two Americas.' Now John Kerry is talking about it too, 'the two Americas.' You know why they're doing this? They're preparing us for the next tax hike. So when you complain, 'Hey! My taxes are twice what they use to be,' they can say, 'Of course they are. There are two Americas now."' —Jay Leno "In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq — that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!" —David Letterman "Martha Stewart is going to jail. Or as she calls it, 'J Mart.'" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of July 11-17 "John Kerry and John Edwards have gotten so touchy-feely, now George Bush wants to ban 'gay campaigning."' —Craig Kilborn "After making obscene comments at a fund-raiser, Whoopi Goldberg was fired as a Slim-Fast spokesperson ... and hired to write for Dick Cheney." —Craig Kilborn "There's talk that Vice President Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican ticket. There's a good move; lose the smart guy." —Jay Leno "John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in an undisclosed location." —Jay Leno "The Bush twins are in the August issue of Vogue magazine and they look beautiful. They have these beautiful gowns on. They look very, very nice. The girls said they talked about their father, they said President Bush is an avid teaser of their boyfriends. President Bush likes to tease their boyfriends when they come over. And after he's done teasing them, he has Donald Rumsfeld torture them." —Jay Leno "Our First Lady Laura Bush said she told her daughters, when they're out on the campaign trail, to stand up straight and keep the hair out of their eyes. The same thing John Kerry told John Edwards." —Jay Leno "John Kerry spoke to the NAACP. And you know you could tell he was pandering? He said the first thing he would do as president was give a full pardon to Whoopi Goldberg." —Jay Leno "Senator John Edwards made his first solo campaign appearance -- since he was added to the ticket — in Iowa. Apparently, it went so well that Edwards is now thinking of dropping Kerry from the ticket." —Jay Leno "Ralph Nader also made a solo campaign appearance. Except in Ralph's case it meant that he was there by himself." —Jay Leno "The nation's top election official said the United States will not cancel or postpone the presidential election because of a terrorist attack. He said if there's a problem the Supreme Court will reappoint president Bush immediately rather than waiting two months like they did last time." —Jay Leno "You know what President Bush and Martha Stewart have in common? They're both afraid of a long sentence!" —Jay Leno "In what will have to pass as the convention's biggest surprise, Ron Reagan Jr., son of the recently sainted Republican president, will address the convention on the subject of stem cell research. The Republican attack machine has already countered by announcing their convention's keynote address will be delivered by Roger Clinton on the subject of, 'I Thought You Said There'd Be Girls Here."' —Jon Stewart "Now trailing in the polls, President Bush unveiled some new weapons today: his daughters Barbara and Jenna, who have hit the campaign trail with their dad for the first time. In a recent interview, Jenna Bush says she's 'not political' and the electoral process doesn't interest her. Oh, she's daddy's little girl." —Craig Kilborn "Pollsters say the strategy is very effective: One daughter distracts us from the economy while the other distracts us from the war in Iraq. Barbara just graduated from Yale, and plans to work in the pediatric AIDS program at Baylor University ... until her Dad cuts off the funding." —Craig Kilborn "The Democrats are having their convention up in Boston and they've announced their convention line up. Here's the big surprise, they're not going to allow Hillary Clinton to speak at the convention. When Bill Clinton heard this he said, 'How do you do that.'" —David Letterman "Big day in the Senate. Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't ram it down your throats, we'll get it in through the back door." —Conan O'Brien "Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards drinks four diet cokes every morning. When asked why Edwards said 'You'd drink that much caffeine if you had to stand next to John Kerry all day.'" —Conan O'Brien "One of Osama bin Laden's chief confidants turned himself in to Saudi Arabian officials yesterday ... He's confined to a wheelchair due to injuries he sustained 10 years ago while fighting in Bosnia and Chechnya. How is it we know more about this guy's military background than we do our own president's? How come his records are still on file and Bush's are not?" —Jay Leno "It's believed that he may know where Osama is. And today, President Bush told him, 'Don't give it away! We want it to be a surprise in November."' —Jay Leno "Florida officials have announced that this November they will allow felons to vote. You thought Bush stole the election last time. Now he'll be working with pros!" —Jay Leno "A defiant George W. Bush intends to serve two terms in the White House ... Al Gore's and then his." —Jay Leno "How about Kerry and Edwards? That little honeymoon. They're tossing the football back and forth. Weee. Actually it's kind of refreshing to see a Democrat tossing the pig skin instead of fondling it." —Jay Leno "The Democratic National Committee released it's lineup of the politicians that will speak at the convention and Hillary Clinton is not on the list. But today Bill told her don't feel bad, none of his other women are speaking either." —Jay Leno "Some polls show John Edwards with higher approval than Dick Cheney. That's pretty amazing, isn't it? For the first time ever, the lawyer is ahead of the guy in the ambulance!" —Jay Leno "The Bush administration may postpone the November election if there's a terrorist attack. If there's a terrorist attack, they may postpone the election. Or, they'll postpone it if there's scattered showers." —David Letterman "Republicans say they don't want the terrorists to determine the election. No they want the governor of Florida to determine the election" —David Letterman "(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first." —Jon Stewart "It was so hot today, executives from the NAACP tried to meet with President Bush just so they could get the cold shoulder." —Jay Leno "In fact it was so hot today, Bush said, 'That's it. We may have to postpone the presidential election.'" —Jay Leno "Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected." —Jay Leno "President George Bush is very excited to be coming here for the (Republican National) Convention because he's absolutely certain when he comes here, he'll have no trouble finding weapons of mass destruction." —David Letterman "Have you seen John Kerry and John Edwards? They're touching, they're hugging, they're groping. Even the 'Queer Eye' guys are going, 'Get a room!'" —Craig Kilborn "The Senate is debating whether to amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage. They want to define marriage as a sacred union between a man and J-Lo." —Craig Kilborn "Here's something shocking according to the latest issue of Newsweek magazine: The Bush administration officials are reviewing a proposal that would allow for the postponement of the presidential election in the event of a catastrophe. You know, like Kerry winning." —Jay Leno "I love that the Department of Homeland Security always tells Americans if you don't fly commercial airlines, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't hold the Super Bowl or the World Series, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't get out to the mall and do your Christmas shopping, 'the terrorists have won.' Comes time for the election, 'Oh, let the terrorists have that one.'" —Jay Leno "John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." —David letterman "President Reagan's son Ron Reagan is going to be a featured speaker at the Democratic convention. President Bush says he is not worried. He said, 'Who wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?'" —Jay Leno "Have you been watching Kerry and Edwards on the campaign trial? These guys have done more hugging in four days than Bill and Hillary have done in 26 years." —Jay Leno "Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter's hearts but Cheney is looking for a donor." —Jay Leno "John Kerry picked John Edwards to be his running mate. What a contrast to Dick Cheney. John Edwards is charismatic, he's confident, he's charming. And Cheney spent the weekend going, 'You want to see my scar?"' —Craig Kilborn "After seven years as CIA Director, George Tenet officially resigned as of yesterday. His final words of advice to the agency were 'Keep an eye out for this bin Laden fella, he could be trouble.'" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of July 4-10 "Last night at a Democratic fundraiser concert, John Kerry played guitar while everyone on stage sang 'This Land Is Your Land.' Then Kerry admitted that much of this land is owned by his wife." —Conan O'Brien "The big story in Washington is that the Bush administration is desperate to find Osama bin Laden before the election. They are said to be using all means possible to find him. In fact today they typed his name into Google, which is a start." —Jay Leno "John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It takes a blue suit and pulse to be ready! And we know that Dick Cheney proved that you don't even need the pulse." —Jay Leno "Our vice presidential choices are John Edwards versus Dick Cheney. We've got a heartthrob versus a heart attack." —Jay Leno "John Kerry and John Edwards said they plan on spending over $3 million on their campaign this month. And that's just on hairspray! Have you seen their new campaign plane? ... It's the Hair Force One!" —Jay Leno "This Edwards guy, he's going to be trouble for the Bush-Cheney ticket. He's charismatic, and that's going to hurt Cheney. And he can speak, and that's going to hurt Bush." —Jay Leno "President Bush said he is close to naming a new CIA director because the current CIA director George Tenet has announced that he is leaving that post this Sunday. In a related story, the agents at the CIA said, 'What? Tenet is leaving?!'" —Jay Leno "It was reported that John Kerry and John Edwards together are worth over half a billion dollars. In fact, they are both worth so much, they've decided to vote for the Republicans." —Conan O'Brien "Because of the tough presidential primary last year, there was talk that there might be a personality conflict between Kerry and Edwards. Thankfully, Kerry doesn't have a personality, so that won't be a problem." —Jay Leno "It now turns out that Kerry is worth twice as much as previously thought. His wife is worth a billion dollars. And today, President Bush said that's proof his tax cuts are working." —Jay Leno "John Kerry announced that his running mate would be North Carolina senator John Edwards. It's already getting nasty. After Kerry selected Edwards the Republicans immediately denounced Edwards as disingenuous. When he heard this President Bush said I didn't know this guy was a foreigner." —Conan O'Brien "If anything, Kerry's decision only cements his reputation as a flip-flopper. First he doesn't have a running mate, now he has a running mate. C'mon man, make up your mind." —The Daily Show's Rob Corddry "As you know John Edwards is a former trial lawyer. Which is a smart move considering the last election was decided in court. Kerry may need him to step in and sue or something." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said I can't tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team, especially after John McCain turned me down." —Jay Leno "Political strategists thought Kerry was going to chose an older, more successful running mate. You know, like when he picked his wife." —Jay Leno "John Edwards earned a fortune from medical malpractice. So he and Dick Cheney have something in common. They both know what it's like to chase an ambulance." —Jay Leno "The attacks have already started. John Edwards is too inexperienced to be president, he's too flashy, he's not up to the job. And those are just the things John Kerry said in the primary." —Jay Leno "As soon as Edwards was announced the Republicans put out a new attack ad calling him unaccomplished. He was born poor and became a multi-millionaire. To Republicans isn't that the definition of accomplished?" —Jay Leno "The New York Post made a major mistake. They said Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. Ladies and gentlemen this is not the only mistake the New York Post has made lately. Take a look at this headline, 'Dick Cheney Wins New York Marathon.'" —Conan O'Brien ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of June 27-July 3 "Dick Cheney was at the ball game last night. During the 7th inning they showed him on the jumbotron at Yankee Stadium and everyone started booing him. You know Dick Cheney has a temper. He went a little crazy and went around the stadium and grabbed everyone that booed him and then he ran them all around naked on a leash." —David Letterman "Iraq has taken over custody of Saddam Hussein. On Thursday Saddam will face a judge. On Friday he should be president again." —David Letterman "Interrogators say that Saddam is arrogant. He's defiant. He thinks he's still popular and that people love him and he thinks he's still president — no, wait that's Bush." —David Letterman "Rumors are Britney Spears is pregnant. Boy, you go to one Bill Clinton book signing..." —Craig Kilborn "Al Sharpton is signed on to host a show on Spike TV. It's called 'I Hate My Job.' It focuses on people who aren't getting anywhere in their jobs and give them career makeovers. His first subject — Al Sharpton." —Jimmy Kimmel "One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David Letterman "The Republican National Convention is coming to New York City. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to speak. I believe this will be the first professional bodybuilder to speak at a convention since, well, Janet Reno." —David Letterman "Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls." —Craig Kilborn "This was nice, President Bush wished the Iraqis God's grace on their road to democracy. And then Vice President Cheney told them to go F-themselves." —Craig Kilborn "George Bush handed over power to the Iraqis. Then they asked Bush where he's going now and he said, 'I'm invading Disneyland.'" —Craig Kilborn "Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ... Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his chest and falling down." —Craig Kilborn "How many of you were in town yesterday and saw the gay pride parade? Let me tell you, it was refreshing to see a pyramid of naked men that was not in violation of the Geneva Convention." —David Letterman "The Republican National Convention is coming up at the end of August here in New York City. Here's what's happening. Hundreds of strippers and hookers from all over the world are coming to New York City for the Republican National Convention. Well President Bush said he was going to create jobs, so that's pretty good." —David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of June 20-26 "In the Senate Vice President Dick Cheney got so mad at Senator Patrick Leahy, he told Leahy to go F-himself. Leahy said it's OK. Cheney was just having a bad day, which really isn't true. I mean a bad day for Cheney is what, like three heart attacks." —Jay Leno "A Cheney spokesman said on the news today, 'Yes the Vice President did have a talk with Senator Leahy and they had a frank exchange of views.' Telling someone to F themselves is a frank exchange of views, so apparently telling someone 'up yours' is medical advice." —Jay Leno "On the Senate floor, Dick Cheney flipped out and told Senator Pat Leahy to go F-himself. Can you believe that? Aren't these the same guys trying to fine Howard Stern for bad language?" —Jay Leno "Over on Capitol Hill, Dick Cheney got in a big argument with Senator Leahy where he used the F word. And then Senator Leahy shot back, 'At least I can do that without having a heart attack.' ... The argument continued, with the F word going back and forth over and over. No, wait, that's the new Bill Clinton book." —Craig Kilborn "Bubba is out signing books now. Don't kid yourself, whereever you go, the security will be very, very tight. Be prepared to be frisked, padded down and you're going to be strip searched. And that's just Clinton." —David Letterman "President Clinton is out there promoting his book. This guy is everywhere. In fact last night on 'Larry King' former President Clinton said he's been married to Hillary for so long he can just look at her and tell what she's thinking. Usually she's thinking, 'You son of a bitch.'" —Conan O'Brien "Monica Lewinsky, man, was she upset about the way Bill Clinton talked about her in the book. To which Hillary said, 'Hey at least you got mentioned in the book.'" —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton told Oprah Winfrey the other day that Hillary was more angry with Ken Starr than she was with him. See only in politics would the wife be more angry at Ken Starr. In real life, the wife would have tried to cooperate with Starr and then try to run over her husband with her Mercedes." —Jay Leno "Have you heard about the controversial film 'Fahrenheit 911?' I hope George Bush is not too angry about this film. No one wants to see Michael Moore in a naked pyramid." —Craig Kilborn "Well we're still planning to turn over power to the Iraqis on June 30th. You know what this feels like? Did you ever return a rent-a-car after you've beat the crap out of it?" —Jay Leno "The other day John Kerry had a secret meeting with John Edwards in a private hideaway room in the Capital. They had to cut it short because they were overcome with the hair spray fumes." —Jay Leno "Former President Clinton says in his book that he never pays attention to a poll. That's interesting for a politician. Never pays attention to a poll, unless there's a stripper attached to it." —David Letterman "Clinton's book is selling so well that is has boosted sales of Hillary's book. Apparently, reviewers are calling the books great separate bedroom reading." —Conan O'Brien "Clinton also talked about the point where Hillary first started to laugh again. He said it happened when he promised her he would never cheat again." —Jay Leno "John Kerry is out there campaigning hard. Earlier tonight, Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond sang at a fundraiser for Kerry. As a result, experts say Kerry has a very good shot at winning the 1976 election." —Conan O'Brien "President Clinton's book is finally out. Yesterday on 'Oprah,' former President Clinton reveals that for two months while he was president he slept on the couch. Clinton also revealed that his nickname for Monica was the couch." —Conan O'Brien "On the back cover there's a picture of Bill Clinton at his desk in the Oval Office and his face is framed in between a bust of Harry Truman and a bust of FDR. Cause if there's one thing we know about Clinton, he's always happiest when he face is in between two busts." —Jay Leno "In the book, Clinton reveals one night when he was five or six years old back in Arkansas, his stepdad fired a gun in the house but it didn't hit him or his mother. So it looks like this bad aim thing runs in the family." —Jay Leno "Every political journalist is picking John Edwards as the number one pick to be John Kerry's vice president. Can you imagine the debate between Dick Cheney and a trial lawyer like Edwards? One guy has spent his career in an ambulance, the other guys has spend his career chasing it." —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate Ralph Nader has chosen his candidate for vice president. In a related story a tree fell in a forest and no one was there to hear it." —David Letterman "Bill Clinton is really busy right now. He's so busy signing books that he had to cancel his 3 o'clock intern. ... I went to the book signing and I was surprised the book was already 30 percent off, just like his pants." —David Letterman "The latest reviews for the new Michael Moore film are in. It got thumbs up from Ebert and Saddam." —Craig Kilborn "Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book." —David Letterman "Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, 'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'" —Conan O'Brien "I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two." —Craig Kilborn "Experts say that Bill Clinton's book could raise 100 million dollars. Hillary wants to burn it, George Bush wants to color it and John Kerry wants to marry it." —Craig Kilborn "Former President Clinton is everywhere right now. Earlier today Oprah Winfrey asked Bill Clinton if he has talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton responded, 'Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair.'" —Conan O'Brien "A thousand people waited in line for an autographed copy of Bill Clinton's book. There was pushing, there was shoving, there was groping and that's just when Bill signed your book." —Craig Kilborn "Bill Clinton's autobiography came out today. It's based on a true story." —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton was on 'Oprah' talking about the book. I guess tomorrow he's on Maury Povich doing one of those paternity test shows. ... In two days he's been on '60 Minutes,' he's been on 'Oprah,' tomorrow he's on 'Larry King.' The only thing he hasn't been on lately is Hillary." —Jay Leno "How many of you folks purchased a copy of 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. It was in the book stores yesterday and it was a great day for Bill. The first day out he sold 1,500 books and he got 6 phone numbers." —David Letterman "I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well, of course, it was. The first time you try anything it's always going to be difficult." —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate Ralph Nader has finally picked a running mate. He picked a man by the name of Peter Camejo from the Green party, and this guy has all the qualifications Ralph Nader was looking for in a candidate. He said yes. ...They plan to be the candidates against special interests and apparently it's working for them because no one has any special interest in them." —Jay Leno "Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore." —Jon Stewart "Presidential candidate Ralph Nader picked Peter Camejo to be his running mate in the presidential election. Experts say by picking Peter Camejo, Nader is guaranteed to win the vote of Peter Camejo" —Conan O'Brien "Ralph Nader announced his running mate for the upcoming presidential
election. ... The guy's name is Peter
Camejo – an investment advisor from here in "Nader says he chose Camejo because he has experience, wisdom, plus his parents have a garage where they can practice." —Craig Kilborn "It's actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I believe, are about a boy and his wand." —David Letterman, on Clinton's book "This weekend 1,000 people lined up at Barnes and Noble to see Bill Clinton. Not to buy his book, but to give him a Father's Day card." —Craig Kilborn Book experts say Clinton's book will probably be best selling presidential memoirs since Millard Fillmore's 1853 tell all, 'Bitches, Booze and Manifest Destiny.'" —Craig Kilborn "After his affair became public Clinton says he had to sleep on the couch for two months. It gets worse — with Hillary" —Craig Kilborn "Dan Rather compared Bill Clinton's life story to the memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant. Ulysses S. Grant? I think Hugh Grant would be more like it, wouldn't it?" —Jay Leno "Dan Rather says that after the scandal broke Clinton met regularly with three ministers. Three. That's when a guy knows he's sinned a lot. When the first minister is going, 'I need back up.'" —Jay Leno "According to a poll just released today, President Bush's poll numbers went up from 44 percent to 50 percent because of Ronald Reagan's funeral. I tell you something, if this is a close election in October and I'm Gerald Ford, I've got to start worrying a little bit." —Jay Leno "You thought the Reagan funeral helped the Bush campaign, wait till you see the Osama bin Laden funeral. That's going to be the big one." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has called for an increase in the minimum wage. He said people out there are struggling and you can't always fix the problem by marrying a rich woman." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of June 13-19 "Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno "In an upcoming interview with Dan Rather, Bill Clinton says he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky 'just because I could.' And a moment later Hillary said the same thing after she hit him with a lamp." —Craig Kilborn "Bill Clinton said in an interview that will air on a '60 Minutes' on Sunday that he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky because he could and that he was with Paula Jones because he lost a bet." —Jay Leno "The publisher called him in and handed former President Clinton the first official copy of his new book. From force of habit he helped it out of its jacket." —David Letterman "Bill Clinton claims he had to sleep on the couch for three months after telling Hillary about Monica Lewinsky. Does anyone believe this? I mean seriously the guy can send an aircraft carrier to any part of the globe, but they can't find him a cot for two months." —Jimmy Kimmel "Clinton also told Dan Rather that his infidelity almost ruined his marriage and that he and Hillary received counseling. Now wasn't Bill Clinton's counselor Jesse Jackson? I think I see part of the problem right there." —Jay Leno "Only 12 days until we hand Iraq back over to the Iraqis. I don't think we're getting our security deposit back." —Jimmy Kimmel "The 9/11 commission said they found no working relationship between al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. It's kind of like the FBI and the CIA." —Jay Leno "President Bill Clinton's autobiography is coming out next week. Clinton is going on one of those book tours in New York City next week and they are expecting huge crowds. So, to keep the crowd moving, he'll only sign one breast." —David Letterman "Bill Clinton talks about his infidelity on '60 Minutes' this Sunday. Is that enough time? Shouldn't it be '48 Hours?" —Jay Leno "Talking about impeachment, Clinton said, 'I stood up to it. I beat it back.' No wait, that was Paula Jones." —Jay Leno "Clinton said he had the affair with Monica Lewinsky because he could. Ironically, that's the same reason President Bush gave for invading Iraq." —Jay Leno "The 9/11 Commission said today they have found no ties between Iraq and al Qaeda. To which President Bush said, 'Yeah, but how about they're both from the Middle East.'" —Jay Leno "Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in, when the Republican ordered a break-in of Democratic National Headquarters. To give you an idea of how long ago that was, that's back when Democrats actually had ideas worth stealing." —Jay Leno "Michael Moore, Mr. Controversy, is upset because his new film 'Farenheit 911' got an 'R' rating for showing graphic footage. But to be fair, it does show a couple of close-ups of Michael Moore." —Craig Kilborn "Republican pollster Robert Teeter has died at age 65. He'll be missed by 80 percent of his family and 35 percent of his friends" —Craig Kilborn "Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." —David Letterman "Yesterday at a White House ceremony, the official portrait of President Clinton was unveiled. Apparently, Clinton's portrait is so realistic that Hillary immediately started yelling at it." —Conan O'Brien "Yesterday at the White House they unveiled the official portrait of Bill Clinton. It's very classy. It's on black velvet." —Jay Leno "The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history." —Jon Stewart "There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn "In a recent interview, John Kerry was asked to describe his wife in three words. Not surprisingly, Kerry responded, 'My meal ticket.'" —Conan O'Brien "Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes." —Jay Leno "Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno "Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman "Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike." —Craig Kilborn "The first President Bush — the real one — celebrated his 80th birthday over the weekend, and in case you haven't heard, he went skydiving. He was strapped to the back of a secret service guy. Does it really count as a jump when you're essentially a fanny pack on some Navy SEAL? It's like calling a mouse shot into space an astronaut." —Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton back to the White House for the unveiling of Bill's official portrait. There are two firsts involved. It's the first presidential portrait ever painted by an African-American artist. And it's the first presidential portrait to feature full-frontal nudity." —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton's new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it's already in its third printing. The first two were stained." —David Letterman "The State Department released a memo saying terrorism has gone down. It turns out, the only reason they came up with that information is because of a mathematical error. A mathematical error, isn't that how Bush became president?" —David Letterman "The Bush administration is testing something called the Registered Travelers Program. This allows travelers to bypass the security lines and checkpoints at airports by agreeing to a fee and a background check. Boy, that's a great idea. A separate line for rich people — I'm surprised the Republicans thought of that." —Jay Leno "The Bush administration said Saudi Arabia needs to do more to help in the war on terror. Yeah, like fight on our side." —Jay Leno "Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of June 6-12 "When you think about Ronald Reagan, he really did the impossible. He brought honor to two dishonorable professions — politics and show business." —Jay Leno "Out of respect to Ronald Reagan, John Kerry suspended his presidential campaign for the week. Unfortunately for Kerry, no one could tell." —Conan O'Brien "John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno "President Bush has Saddam Hussein's firearm at his desk at the White House. But, of course, he's not the first president to hide a piece in the Oval Office." —David Letterman "According to a new poll, 53 percent of Americans say the war in Iraq was not justified. The other 47 percent say, 'There's a war in Iraq?'" —Jay Leno "This week in Baghdad, four people were arrested for pretending to be journalists. I'll tell you, this has got all the people over at Fox News nervous." —Jay Leno "I've been watching the news all day and these ceremonies and services for President Reagan are really quite touching and dignified, don't you think? See I wonder if it will be that way for future presidents? Like years from now can you imagine President Clinton's funeral. Hundreds of women throwing themselves on top of the casket." —Jay Leno "We really don't have leaders who speak as well as Ronald Reagan anymore. He had a simple direct way of telling you something. Like when he just came out and called the Soviet Union 'the evil empire' you know what he meant. Can you imagine Bush trying to do that? You know he'd screw it up, he'd say something like 'we have to defeat the medieval vampire.'" —Jay Leno "According to the New York Times, last year White House lawyers concluded that President Bush could legally order interrogators to torture and even kill people in the interest of national security — so if that's legal, what the hell are we charging Saddam Hussein with?" —Jay Leno "Have you been touched by the outreach of love and affection people have been showing for President Reagan? As I was watching the retrospectives on his life and career I'm thinking probably the most famous thing President Reagan ever said was to Mikhail Gorbachev, when he said 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.' I was trying to imagine how the candidates of today would have dealt with the Berlin Wall. Like Ralph Nader would have been concerned about the environmental impact of tearing down the wall. John Kerry would have taken it down a few feet. And President Bush would have said, 'Wall, what wall?'" —Jay Leno "CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week. Here's the sad part, the FBI just found out today." —Jay Leno "John Ashcroft testified before Congress that President Bush is against torture. Yes, he's against torture. Except when it comes to the English language." —David Letterman "Attorney General John Ashcroft told Congress they shouldn't be asking him about the legality of the war until the war is over. And there's precedent for that — I think it's called the Nuremberg Trials." —Jay Leno "In honor of President Reagan, Senator John Kerry has suspended his campaign for five days. Ralph Nader has also suspended his campaign. Not because of Reagan, he just doesn't have any supporters." —Jay Leno "I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." —Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death "The head of the CIA, George Tenet, resigned last week. He didn't want to resign, but when you don't have any credible intelligence, you don't really need a director." —Jay Leno "Prosecutors are having a difficult time building a case against Saddam Hussein. I'll tell you something, the guy is smart. See, when he tortured people, he didn't take snapshots." —David Letterman "President Bush met with the Pope in Rome. Did you see the picture of the two of them? Man, that poor guy, he has a blank look on his face like he doesn't know where he is. Then, the Pope told him, just be quiet and relax." —David Letterman "President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Weeks of May 23-June 5 "There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran." —Jon Stewart "President Bush has been campaigning around the country and today the crowd got so pumped up they started chanting, 'Four more wars, four more wars.'" —Craig Kilborn "President Bush is leaving Washington for a long vacation. I'm sorry that's November's joke." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush announced that the Abu Ghraib prison will be closed. Another place Bush put out of business." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has a new campaign slogan, 'A mind is a terrible thing to change all the time.'" —Jay Leno "This election is shaping up great. Our choices are a guy who always has seconds thoughts or a guy who's never had a first thought." —Jay Leno "Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien "John Kerry raised all of that money and bought himself an airplane, campaign plane, for $10 million. Ralph Nader, not to be outdone, is having himself shipped across the country in a crate." —David Letterman "John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake." —Jay Leno "A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno "Al Gore is back, at a recent speech, he called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. And Donald Rumsfeld, in response, he stripped Gore naked and ran him around on a leash." —David Letterman "'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons." —Jay Leno "Two new polls show Arnold Schwarzenegger is the most popular Governor of California since 1991, when Governor Hasselhoff ran the state. When your competition is Pete Wilson and Gray Davis, is it really that big a deal to be most popular? It's like being the smartest Hilton sister." —Jimmy Kimmel "Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman "Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman "Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding." —Craig Kilborn "Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." —Craig Kilborn "Attorney General John Ashcroft said today that Al Qaeda is determined to attack the United States sometime this summer. He said the terrorists may do it to try to influence our Presidential election. So Al Qaeda is basically like Ralph Nader, only with more followers." —Jay Leno "Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control." —Jay Leno "Seven Iraqi men who had their hands cut off under Saddam Hussein were recently brought to the United States and fitted with high tech prosthetic hands. The bad news, the first thing they did with their new hands? Throw rocks at the U.S. Embassy." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for George Bush. Bush said, "I'm voting for Ralph Nader!" —Jay Leno "Al Gore gave a blistering speech today condemning the Bush administration and calling for everyone in Bush's cabinet to resign from office immediately. Finally the owner of the karoke bar said, 'Are you going to sing or what?'" —Jay Leno "President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman "President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman "President Bush announced his plan for Iraq. He called for the rebuilding of a wrecked economy, getting international cooperation and bringing in new leadership. You know, the same thing Kerry is calling for here." —Jay Leno "So far opinion is split on the president's plan. Republicans say the outlook is Sunni, or as Democrats say, we're in deep Shiite." —Jay Leno "President Bush said last night that they'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance they're going to give him a 30-second head start." —Jay Leno "He also said that Iraq will have two vice presidents. See that's when you know that they don't expect the president to last that long — when they have a back up guy for the back up guy." —Jay Leno "The president was surprisingly nonchalant about the problems facing Iraq — at one point even muttering, 'What do I care this is all going to be Kerry's problem anyway.'" —Craig Kilborn "If Bush really wants to prove what a great job he's doing over there, he should just walk around Baghdad shouting, 'You're welcome everyone.'" —Craig Kilborn "The White House announced the notorious Abu Ghraib prison will be torn down, demolished and done away with. But don't worry, we'll always have our memories, and of course the photographs." —Jay Leno "'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien "Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush." —Jay Leno "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno "President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno "President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." —Jay Leno "You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno "A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." —Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush fell off of his bike, wound up with cuts and bruises on his chin, his nose and on his upper lip — or as the secret service call it, Condition Hillary." —Craig Kilborn "With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." —Craig Kilborn "Our president fell off of his bike and today declared war on gravity." —Craig Kilborn "Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." —Craig Kilborn "To add insult to injury only 41 percent approved of the way Bush got back on the bike." —Craig Kilborn "Actually, Bush's bike accident was different from John Kerry's accident: Bush fell when he tried turning too hard to the right; Kerry fell when he kept switching gears." —Jay Leno "First Kerry, now Bush. You know if Ralph Nader can just stay away from sporting equipment for like five months, he could win this election by default." —Jay Leno "The president's speech tonight he laid out his new plan to hand over power in Iraq. You know at this point George Bush saying he has a new plan for Iraq is like William Hung saying he has a new song." —Jay Leno "Strip clubs in Wisconsin are organizing voter registration drives to get voters for John Kerry cause they're afraid of President Bush's conservative agenda. Well, you can see why the strippers would really be for John Kerry. I mean they have almost as many positions as he does." —Jay Leno "President Bush addressed the nation tonight and as always he was hilarious. ... Does it scare anyone else that the president has strokes in between syllables?" —Jimmy Kimmel ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of May 16-22 "According to USA Today, the Kerry campaign now has $28 million dollars in the bank. After hearing this, Mrs. Kerry said, 'That is so cute.'" —Conan O'Brien "President Bush still says Iraq has weapons of mass destruction we never found. It sounds like he is back on those drugs he never did." —Craig Kilborn "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader Wednesday in a closed door meeting. It wasn't a secret meeting, it was just so boring the press closed the door." —Jay Leno "John Kerry told the press he is not asking Ralph Nader to drop out of the race and today President Bush said, 'Hey me neither.'" —Jay Leno "Nader actually said we have very serious differences with John Kerry. What's with the 'we'? Don't you have to have at least one supporter to be a 'we'?" —Jay Leno "John Kerry and Ralph Nader together, you know if they could have just gotten Al Gore to show up they would have had the lifeless white guy trifecta." —Jay Leno "Senator Bill Frist's son, William Frist Jr., who is a student at Princeton, was arrested this week in New Jersey for drunk driving. A very serious charge. So let's see, he's got the same name as his father, who is a powerful Republican leader, went to an Ivy league school, got arrested for drunk driving. You know what that means? He could go on to become president of the United States." —Jay Leno "According to USA Today, President Bush once worked at Sears in the sporting goods department. I believe he worked there for one four year term." —Jay Leno "This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn "John Kerry speaks French, but he tries to avoid it. So, if a reporter asks him questions in French he'll pretend like he doesn't understand. Bush, on the other hand, has the same problem with English." —David Letterman "John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno "You ever take a good look at Ralph Nader? Don't you think he looks like Kerry if you left him in the dryer for couple of days?" —Jay Leno "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader. Wouldn't you have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation? And if you had, you would have been the most charismatic thing in the room." —David Letterman "Dick Cheney gave a speech at the Coast Guard Academy in which he vowed that Americans would fight on in Iraq. Actually he said, 'not me, but a lot of other Americans.' Maybe we should have a new law in this country: Anybody vowing to fight on should actually have to do some of the fighting." —Jay Leno "You know about the cicadas, right? They come to New York City once every 17 years to have sex. No wait, that's the Republican convention." —David Letterman "According to some reports, U.S. forces bombed a wedding party in Iraq. Apparently President Bush thought it might have been a gay wedding." —Jay Leno "President Bush says an interim president in Iraq should be selected in the next two weeks. Apparently there's not a lot of interest in that job right now." —Jay Leno "We had the first lady Laura Bush on the program, and we had Secret Service agents all over the place. See, these guys, they're all, like, 6 feet 2 inches. They wear suits. They stand there. They don't smile. It's like we've got a roomful of John Kerrys" —Jay Leno "This week President Bush honored the 50th anniversary of the Supreme Court's historic decision to end segregation in schools. Gee, I thought President Bush didn't like activist judges." —Jay Leno "President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier today President Bush met with the prime minister of Greece. In the meeting, Bush praised the Greek people, saying, 'You gave the world playdoh, which I once ate a can of.'" —Conan O'Brien "The White House is now saying that they still do not have a timetable for when the U.S. will be out of Iraq. Although they hinted that it would be early in the Kerry administration." —David letterman "There is talk now that President Bush may tap into our emergency oil reserves. But I'm asking didn't we already do this? Wasn't that called invading Iraq?" —Craig Kilborn "Earlier today, John Kerry had a meeting with independent candidate Ralph Nader. Afterwards, Kerry said 'The meeting didn't go as well as I had hoped, because my gun jammed.'" —Conan O'Brien "John Kerry met with Howard Dean earlier this week to get strategic advise. Does that make sense? Shouldn't you be getting advise from a guy who at least won a primary? Isn't that like getting public relations advise from Donald Rumsfeld?" —Jay Leno "There are now videos from Iraq showing American soldiers having group sex. Well, who said men and women couldn't serve in the armed forces together?" —Jay Leno "President Bush's approval rating is now at an all-time low. It is now lower than Dick Cheney's pulse rate." —Jay Leno "The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." —Jay Leno "John Kerry is on the attack and he has called now for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. As a response, Rumsfeld stripped Kerry naked and ran him around on a leash." —David Letterman "There is some very disturbing video that's being passed around that shows U.S. soldiers in the Abu Gharib prison involved in group sex or having orgies. ...You want to know how wild it is over there? I guess already six soldiers got purple hearts for chlamydia." —Jay Leno "Congress now says they are reviewing the sex videos, so at least we have the comfort of knowing they’re being reviewed by experts in this area." —Jay Leno "President Bush planning for a quick exit from Iraq. He's doing that to avoid a quick exit from the White House." —Jay Leno "Apparently we're handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30th. Actually, we're just handing them the leash." —Jay Leno "At the Cannes film festival, John Kerry's daughter was wearing a see-through dress where you could actually see her breasts. And just like a Kerry, they somehow managed to lean both ways." —Craig Kilborn "Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad. The bad news for President Bush, he came back ... He told the troops, 'I'm a survivor.' Yeah — a survivor about to be voted off the island." —Jay Leno "An article came out in New Yorker Magazine that said in order to gather intelligence Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized a secret program that encouraged the sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said the article is outlandish, conspiratorial and full of conjecture. He didn't say it was wrong. He just said all those things." —Jay Leno "President Bush said today he wants U.S. troops to pull out — of each other." —Jay Leno "Members of Congress now say there are videos and dozens of pictures of that West Virginia Private Lynndie England — you know the girl with the leash. I'm not making this up and I feel bad saying it, but there's video of her having group sex with American soldiers in front of Iraqi prisoners. Remember the good old days when the only new video we had to worry about came from Paris Hilton? ... Group sex. You know what the sad thing is — this is the biggest coalition they've been able to put together in Iraq so far." —Jay Leno "When you think about it Las Vegas is a little bit like Iraq. I mean you have a lot of sand, it's a big gamble to go there and if you wander into the wrong room you just might see a young woman leading a naked man around on a leash." —Jay Leno "Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn "Here is John Kerry's exact position on gay marriage. It's okay for two women to get married as long as one is really really rich." —Craig Kilborn "Legalized same-sex marriage has prompted a new slogan, 'We're here, we're queer and we're registered at Williams-Sonoma.'" —Craig Kilborn "India's stock market crashed. My question is, is President Bush out-sourcing our economy too?" —Craig Kilborn ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of May 9-15 "Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad this week where he told reporters, 'If anyone thinks I'm here to throw water on a fire, they're wrong.' So, more bad news for Iraqi prisoners who are on fire." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq and he told everyone, 'No pictures.' ... He visited that famous prison and he said he has all those guards under control now. In fact, he said he's got them all on a very short leash." —Jay Leno "A Bush administration official told Congress yesterday that the war in Iraq could cost almost 60 billion dollars. President Bush said he plans to pay for it with a video series called 'Prison Guards Gone Wild." —Conan O'Brien "They asked President Bush why we didn't observe the Geneva convention and Bush said, 'That's easy, we weren't in Geneva. We're in Iraq.'" —Jay Leno "President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" —Conan O'Brien "Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno "At 4 a.m., just about now, Bill Clinton is trying to tip toe in without waking Hillary. ... And, of course, down in Washington right now President Bush is sound asleep resting comfortably at home in bed, you know, just like he did when he was in the National Guard." —David Letterman, during a special 4 a.m. broadcast "When you're in Vegas you don't follow the news, you don't read the newspaper, you don't know what's going on in the world. I mean after five days here, I feel like President Bush." —Jay Leno "Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad where he visited Abu Ghraib prison. Apparently, the visit was going well until Rumsfeld took out his camera and said, 'Hey, how about a few pictures?'" —Conan O'Brien "Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad. He was tired of the open hostility in Washington. He just wanted to get away in Iraq. No, he was there to deliver our new policy in Iraq: What happens in Iraq stays in Iraq." —Jay Leno "Donald Rumsfeld said he just happened to be visiting Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. How much stress is this guy under when he goes to Iraq to unwind?" —Craig Kilborn "President Bush told a group of unemployed workers today that we are now in a time of transition. Hey, you think this is a time of transition, wait until after the election." —Jay Leno "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva convention on prisoner's rights applies in Iraq, but not for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the difference was Rumsfeld said that nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay." —Conan O'Brien "The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush's approval rating is at an all-time low, but Kerry still can't catch up with him. So people don't like Bush and they don't seem to like Kerry very much either. So we have two guys no one wants to vote for. No wonder we can't sell democracy in Iraq, we can't even give it away here." —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman "In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush invited the world champion New England Patriots to the White House for the second time on Monday. Here's the interesting point, at this point the Patriots might actually have a better chance at being at the White House this time next year than Bush." —Jay Leno "President Bush said today that the job situation looks good. Yeah, if you're John Kerry." —Jay Leno "President George Bush's approval rating has dropped to 46 percent. Let me put this in perspective. Saddam Hussein's approval rating is 49 percent. ... But Bush is not worried. That's the kind of grades that got him through Yale." —David Letterman "President Bush has given Donald Rumsfeld complete and unequivocal endorsement. You know what that means? He'll be gone by Friday." —David Letterman "President Bush told Donald Rumsfeld, 'You are doing a superb job.' I believe the last time a president said that he was looking under his desk." —David Letterman "Over the weekend British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. Apparently some of the prisoners were accidentally given British food." —Conan O'Brien "Vice President Dick Cheney has one of those mechanical hearts. The poor man, and I can sympathize with this, he's had like 9 or 10 heart attacks. If you've had that many heart attacks somebody better be keeping their eye on you. At first he had a baboon heart and that didn't work and they put in the mechanical heart and, as a result, every year he has to go in for a cardio-vascular examination. Here's the good news, he's fine, he's healthy, he's solid as a rock, and during the cardio-vascular investigation he raised 4 million dollars." —David Letterman "President Bush said he will not punish Donald Rumsfeld. Which is good, because no one wants to see pictures of a naked, old man." —Craig Kilborn "Who would have ever thought that more naked pictures would come out under the Bush administration than under the Clinton administration?" —Jay Leno "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that he was responsible for the abuse of the Iraqi prisoners. And today President Bush said the abuse was cruel and disgraceful and an affront to the most basic standards of morality and decency. And then he told Rumsfeld that he was doing a superb job. Then Rumsfeld said, 'What the hell do I gotta do to get fired?'" —Jay Leno "Finally some good news for those naked Iraqi inmates, they just got hired for next year's Superbowl Halftime Show." —Craig Kilborn "Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman "We're turning over sovereignty to the Iraqi's on June 30th and the next day we're handing over the negatives." —Jay Leno "Don't kid yourself, this is disturbing. Stories coming out about degrading photographs, nude pyramids, sexual humiliation. Of course I'm talking about Bill Clinton's memoir." —David Letterman "The big story continues to be the torment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops ... Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's been getting a lot of heat. Up until today, a lot of people thought he might step down or get pushed out, but this morning, President Bush said Rumsfeld's doing a 'superb' job. Wait until he finds out 'superb' means 'good.'" —Jimmy Kimmel ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of May 2-8 "Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.'" —Conan O'Brien "It's a good thing there are no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "The Bush administration is now asking Congress for another 25 billion for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with this money, but I think we can rule out anymore digital cameras." —Jay Leno "Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?" —Jay Leno "I don't want to say there's a lot of pressure on Rumsfeld, but today he called Vice President Dick Cheney and asked if he can borrow one of those secret, undisclosed locations just to kind of hang out in a little bit." —Jay Leno "Foreign policy experts say that this Iraqi prison abuse thing could be a real setback in relations between American and Arab countries. But it was going so well up until this." —Jay Leno "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today that those pictures of Iraqi POW's being humiliated are deeply disturbing. Well dude what else is he going to say, 'Well you know, I found them to be kind of a turn on.'" —Jay Leno "President Bush also apologized for the humiliation of the Iraqi prisoners. You know those photos of the female soldiers standing over the naked men, see in the Arab world that is an outrage. Almost as big an outrage as women driving or voting." —Jay Leno "Here's how bad the situation in Iraq is right now. Supposedly we still have 40 rolls of film we're afraid to pick up at the Fallujah photo lab." —Jay Leno "John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, facing growing demands that he resign or be fired, apologized to Congress on Friday for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said, 'I take full responsibility. This happened on my watch. I feel terrible.' He went on to add, 'My heart goes out, yada yada yada, you had me at hello, blah blah blah, I'm a genius you're all morons, you can't handle the truth, can I go now, ahhh.'" —Tina Fey "A new article in Vanity Fair says Bill Clinton is having trouble finishing his new book, entitled 'My Life,' in time to meet his deadline. It's not too surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Al Gore announced Tuesday that he plans to launch a 24 hour cable news network for young adults. Gore claims he's been wanting to do this since he invented cable TV in the 1990s. ...Gore said he wants the network to be irreverent and bold which is why he called it 'The Young Adults Real Time Factual Information Distribution Channel.'" —Tina Fey "President Bush has two daughters and they're graduating from college. President Bush says he will not be attending the graduation because he does not want to create a distraction. I believe that is the same excuse he used in the National Guard." —David Letterman "President Bush apologized on TV to Iraqi prisoners. I don't know if the apology was sincere, because at the end, he says, 'I'm George Bush and I approve of this naked pyramid.'" —Craig Kilborn "June 30th is the day we're handing sovereignty back to the Iraqis. Hey, forget sovereignty — I think they'll be happy just to get their clothes back." —Jay Leno "As you know it's May sweeps — which is a real dilemma for the Bush White House. Do they bring out Osama now or wait until November?" —Jay Leno "The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart "President Bush by the way ... he was interviewed on Arabic television. His interview went very well, lasted about five minutes, he raised $3 million." —David Letterman "President Bush was on Arab TV to talk about the Iraqi POW abuse scandal. President Bush said, 'In a democracy, mistakes are investigated.' Well, not election mistakes." —Jay Leno "Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart "John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message. ... And then, Bush also read to preschoolers and he raised over $3 million." —David Letterman "President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn "Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno "Political experts are saying that this presidential race could be the country's first billion-dollar political campaign. And that doesn't even include the $875 raised by Ralph Nader." —Jay Leno "The Disney company is blocking the distribution of Michael
Moore's new movie because it criticizes President Bush. When asked if the
block has anything to do with winning tax breaks for Florida Governor Jeb Bush,
a spokesman from Disney said, 'It's a small world after all.'" —Conan
O'Brien "John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno "Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart "Vice President Dick Cheney made a stop at a Wal-Mart today, Cheney said that Wal-Mart is a great American institution. Well, that's true, all the workers are Mexican and all the stuff's made in China." —Jay Leno "Today in New Mexico, Senator John Kerry spent the day reading children's books to a bunch of kindergarteners. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush went, 'Show off!'" —Conan O'Brien "Supreme Court Justice David Souter was mugged over the weekend while jogging in Washington, D.C. ... Police said the assault on the judge appeared to be random, though President Bush said it was clearly an attempt by the Democrats to sabotage the election because they know how much Bush needs those judges." —Jay Leno "President Bush, he's out campaigning. He's taking a two day bus ride through Michigan this week. And I was thinking, in Michigan he'll get a pretty good turnout, since no one in Michigan has a job to go to." —David Letterman "Bush's campaign bus is a technological marvel. It gets $2 million dollars per gallon." —David Letterman According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" —David Letterman "The Supreme Court is now deciding whether the president can detain an American citizen indefinitely without legal counsel. What? Isn't this why we left England? Didn't we have a King George once already? Hello?" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of April 25-May 1 "Actually I'm not sure how well it went for the president. I understand he used all three of his lifelines on the first question." —Jay Leno, on Bush and Cheney's appearance before the 9/11 commission "He had the vice president testify with him. That way if somebody asked a very hard question, Cheney could go into his fake heart attack bit." —Jay Leno "As a result of that testimony somehow they raised $20 million for the re-election campaign." —David Letterman "Bob Kerrey and Lee Hamilton left the meeting early to go to another meeting. Where do you possibly have to go? You're meeting with the president and the vice president about the future of the free world and who do you have to meet, the cable guy?" —Jay Leno "Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine. John Kerry said he first noticed her when she was on the cover of another magazine, Fortune." —Jay Leno "According to Bob Woodward's new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq. He quoted the Pottery Barn rule, 'You break it, you bought it.' See President Clinton believed in the Home Depot rule, 'You either screw it or you nail it.'" —Jay Leno "According to a new Gallup poll out today, 61 percent of Iraqis believe the war to remove Saddam Hussein was worth any hardship. The problem is, the other 39 percent are shooting at us." —Jay Leno "Yesterday, the Treasury Department unveiled the new fifty dollar bill. You know who's on the 50-dollar bill? Grant. Grant was a Republican president, who was a total failure in school, bankrupted his businesses and somehow wound up as president. Bush calls him a role model, a trailblazer — a leader." —Jay Leno "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 commission ... They did not testify under oath, there was no videotape, no audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down the questions or the answers; there's no record of any kind; kind of like President Bush's National Guard service." —Jay Leno "President Bush and Vice President Cheney went before the commission investigating what exactly happened on 9/11. The President is weird...afterwards, he told reporters he 'enjoyed' it. What? You can say many things, but you can't 'enjoy' it. We kicked back, talked about 9/11, there were cookies — it was good times!" —Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush, Dick Cheney appeared before the 9/11 Commission. It had kind of an awkward start. A senator asked, 'How are you, Mr. President?' and they both answered, 'Fine.'" —Craig Kilborn "Members of the panel got annoyed because every time they asked Dick Cheney a tough question he grabbed his chest and shouted, 'Elizabeth, it's the big one!'" —Craig Kilborn "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 Commission today. Bush said he was glad to speak to the 9/11 Commission. In fact, he also said he'll be happy to meet with the 7/11 people too if anybody has any questions." —Jay Leno "It was kind of like Family Feud, every time Bush would answer a question, Cheney would go 'Good answer, good answer.'" —Jay Leno "Anybody want to know why it was so secret? Cheney didn't want Colin Powell to find out." —Jay Leno "It was so secret, even Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia didn't know what was said and when he's not in on the loop, we're screwed." —Jay Leno "Al Gore has donated $6 million that he had left over from his presidential campaign to help the Democrats win back the White House. Think about that. He had $6 million left over and he lost by what, 500 votes? Al, what are you saving it for? Do you realize that if Al had given each of those voters $12,000, he'd be president right now." —Jay Leno "John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno "New Gallup poll of Iraqi citizens came out yesterday — says two-thirds of them want us out of Iraq. Let me explain something to you people. We invaded you. We're not your in-laws freeloading during spring break. I imagine the Germans wanted us out of their country too after WW II. We'll let you know when we're ready to get out of there, OK? By the way, when are we getting out of there already?" —Jimmy Kimmel "It was announced today that Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, that's what their problem was, no flag, yeah. That's like the Titanic hitting the iceberg, 'We've got a new chef!'" —Jay Leno "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9-11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno "President Bush is receiving some criticism because tomorrow, when he testifies before the 9/11 commission, he's insisting that Dick Cheney testify with him. Not only that, he's insisting that he sit on Dick Cheney's lap." —Conan O'Brien "The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman "GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who — as we all know — before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis." —Jon Stewart "Someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem — it doesn't have a message!" —Jay Leno "The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy." —Jon Stewart "It's Saddam Hussein's birthday today. You know you're having a bad year when you're birthday wish is to be back in a spider hole." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno "(There's) controversy about Democratic nominee John Kerry throwing away his military medals and ribbons. Not to be outdone, today President Bush threw away his Alabama National Guard spotty attendance ribbon." —David Letterman "There is this rumor that the administration made a deal with the Saudis to lower gas prices before the election. President Bush was asked today if there was any quid pro quo with the Saudis. He said I wouldn't know, I don't speak Saudi Arabian." —Jay Leno "John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary." —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton's publisher says he's just about finished writing his memoirs. The last chapter is titled, 'Hold On, I Just Found Out Halle Berry Is Single.'" —Craig Kilborn "In an interview yesterday, Maria Shriver said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is 'more compassionate and considerate than he has ever been.' Yeah, for example, now when he grabs a breast, he always cuddles afterwards" —Conan O'Brien "President Bush told the Iraqi people 'We are not going to cut and run while I am in office.' Today the Iraqi people said 'What about next year when you're not in office?'" —Jay Leno "U.S. forces in Iraq were very busy today not only fighting, but giving coalition troops rides to the airport. ... How about our good friend Spain? Could they run any faster. Apparently the Baghdad Hilton has express check out now." —Jay Leno "This coalition in Iraq is not holding up well. ... It's kind of ironic. All these foreign countries are willing to take every American job accept this one." —Jay Leno "According to Bob Woodward's new book ... Colin Powell and Dick Cheney do not like each other. John Kerry commented by saying if I'm elected my cabinet will not be divided, like me they'll remain neutral and not take sides on any issue." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has now released his medical records and it turns out John Kerry still has some shrapnel buried in his left thigh. It's interesting because Bill Clinton also has that. Actually it's one of Monica's earrings." —David Letterman "President Clinton's memoirs are going to be released this June. I believe the title of the book is 'Drill Bill.' ... They had the publisher on TV today. He said Clinton's book could be close to 700 pages. ... What is this? Even Clinton's books are fat." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of April 18-24 "They're bringing back the draft. We don't need to bring back the draft. Here's how you get Americans to sign up. You call it a reality show. You tell people you're holding auditions for something called 'G.I. Average Joe." —Jay Leno "All these books are coming out about President Bush. Richard Clarke's book, John Dean's book, Paul O'Neill's book, now Bob Woodward's book is coming out. It's amazing. Who would have thought that George Bush would be responsible for Americans reading more than any other president before?" —Jay Leno "Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says it may be time to reinstate the draft. When President Bush heard about that, he said, 'Uh oh, does that mean I have to go back to Alabama?" —Jay Leno "They're debating now whether or not to bring back the military draft and it would be limited so you wouldn't be drafted if you're married or you're gay. Well, you thought you saw a lot of gay marriages before." —Jay Leno "Boy, this campaign is getting ugly. You know, I'm not taking sides here but now some Republicans are suggesting that John Kerry actually tried to win three Purple Hearts in Vietnam because he knew that if you won three, you get to go home early. What an easy way to get out of combat by letting yourself get shot three times." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has three Purple Hearts for his war wounds and Dick Cheney has one Purple Heart from deep dish pizza." —Jay Leno "On '60 Minutes' on last Sunday Bob Woodward suggested that the main reason President Bush took the country to war is that he thinks he's on a mission from God. Of course the problem with that is, it's also Osama bin Laden's reason." —Jay Leno "Earth Day is Al Gore's favorite day. Did you know that? You wanna know his least favorite day? Election Day." —Jay Leno "According to Bob Woodward's new book, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell barely speak to each other. But that's not unusual. In every administration, there are people who don't speak to each other. The Bush administration, it's Cheney and Powell; Reagan administration, it was Donald Regan and Nancy; Clinton administration, it was Bill and Hillary." —Jay Leno "President Bush commented for the first time on the Woodward book. Bush said he couldn't wait until the book came out on tape so he can find out what all the fuss is about." —Jay Leno "In his book, Woodward said that the Saudis knew we were going to war with Iraq before Colin Powell did. Hey, big deal, the Saudis knew about 9/11 before we did." —Jay Leno "In a poll of college students to see who they would rather prefer to have as a roommate, Bush got 43 percent, Kerry got 42 percent. Isn't that surprising? It's the first time Bush has ever won the popular vote." —Jay Leno "I believe that no matter what happens in this campaign, Bush will be a two-term president. Okay, one term for his father, the other term for him." —Jay Leno "John Kerry is reportedly making some progress on selecting a running mate. I'm surprised that he's not going with Bob Woodward." —Jay Leno "Kerry says he wants someone who's pro-choice, who supports affirmative action, and who is against George Bush's war in Iraq. So he could pick Colin Powell." —Jay Leno "John Kerry announced his plan for saving the environment. His wife is going to buy it and put it in a blind trust." —Jay Leno "With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World." —Jon Stewart "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today passed a bill that would help put hydrogen-fueled cars on California roads by the year 2010. This bill is a way of putting out tentative feelers to see if hydrogen cars will be viable. Tentative feelers? Isn't that how Arnold got in trouble in the first place?" —Jay Leno "Today, the Bush administration said the terrorist organization Hamas should be put out of business. And if there's one thing the Bush administration knows, it's how to put people out of business." —Jay Leno "Woodward says that Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq and Powell called it the Pottery Barn rule, ... if you break it, you own it. ... But is that really the Pottery Barn rule? I thought the Pottery Barn rule was you bought it, you're gay." —Jay Leno "Colin Powell warned President Bush that if he went to war, he would own Iraq's 25 million people and all their hopes and problems. He said, 'You will own it all,' to which Dick Cheney said, 'Ooh, does that include the oil wells?'" —Jay Leno "Colin Powell said that other countries may also follow Spain and pull their troops out of Iraq. I'm sorry, pull their troop out of Iraq." —Jay Leno "Our old friend independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. ... But then again, Ralph thinks he's coming back." —Jay Leno "The politicians are now having a big argument over what they're calling the Misery Index. ... The Republicans say it's inflation and unemployment. Democrats say it's healthcare and college tuition. I think most Americans have a simpler definition -- regular, premium, and super unleaded." —Jay Leno "According to Bob Woodward's new book, 'Plan of Attack,' when President Bush first decided to go to war with Iraq, he grabbed Donald Rumsfeld and pulled him into the study just outside the Oval Office and told him his decision. That is the same little room where Bill Clinton took Monica Lewinsky. You know something, we gotta get rid of that little room — that's two presidents in a row that have almost been taken down by that little room." —Jay Leno "Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq — meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn." —Jon Stewart "After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'" —Jon Stewart "After last week's press conference, President Bush was given a $10,000 fine from the FCC for repeating the word Shiite." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush appointed John Negroponte to be Ambassador of Iraq. How do you get that position, give to John Kerry's campaign?" —Jay Leno "A new poll shows that most college students would rather have President Bush as a roommate than John Kerry. Yeah, but which one would you rather cheat off of in class?" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of April 11-17 "Two big announcements coming out of Washington D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman "We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno "At the White House today, President Bush was answering questions about Iraq and said that he's worried the violence in Fall-u-jah will spread to other parts of the country he can't pronounce." —Craig Kilborn "John Kerry is reaching out to the young people; rocking campuses across the country on his college tour '04 — featuring a performance by his future Secretary of Defense Jon Bon Jovi. ... Kerry shocked the crowd when he ended his speech by asking, 'Where are the rich widows at?'" —Craig Kilborn "The adult film industry has shut down all production because two of their stars have tested positive for HIV. Governor Schwarzenegger has of course declared a state of emergency and President Bush says we may have to dip into our porn reserve." —Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno "The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno "In his press conference the other night, President Bush said that freedom is a gift from the almighty and we have been called by God to use our military power to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that al Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nutcase. He also said God is in favor of a cut in the capital gains tax." —Jay Leno "This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" —Conan O'Brien "In the new Osama bin Laden audio tape he offers a truce to all European countries. All major European countries have rejected that offer for a truce except for France. They surrendered." —David Letterman "CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman "I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman "It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman "In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien "In his testimony before the 9/11 commission today, CIA director George Tenet said it would take another five years to have the kind of intelligence service our country needs. ... Thanks for letting everybody know that. Good job. We're defenseless." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno "President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno "Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman "They pre-empted 'American Idol' tonight because President Bush had a press conference. That doesn't seem very American to me. Does it have to be on every network? I know there's a war on, but why does Ryan Seacrest have to suffer?" —Jimmy Kimmel "Independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. He claims the federal government is secretly putting draft boards back together, and if you're between the ages of 18 and 36, you're eligible. I'm talking to you, Private Timberlake. President Bush immediately re-enlisted in the National Guard, just to be safe." —Jimmy Kimmel "Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien "They said on CNN today that if things go according to plan, the U.S. will hand over power in Iraq on June 30. 'If things go according to plan?' What plan? Do we have a plan? Did I miss the news today? Is there a plan?" —Jay Leno "You know when you rent a video and it has that FBI warning at the beginning? Well, Condoleezza Rice now says that is not a warning, it's a historical document." —Jay Leno "The argument continues about President Bush and whether he did anything about that memo. You know, the famous memo that said terrorists are planning a major attack inside the United States. Actually, it turns out that Bush was more concerned about another urgent memo he got from Attorney General John Ashcroft saying that two gay guys in San Francisco may be planning to get married." —Jay Leno "President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman "Every Monday after Easter, they have the big Easter Egg hunt at the White House. This is interesting, the kids out there found strong evidence of Easter Eggs, but no actual eggs." —David Letterman "President Clinton also testified before the 9/11 commission. He said he was very concerned about an attack. In fact, Clinton said he couldn't remember how many times he had told women in the White House, 'Just keep your head down.'" —Jay Leno "Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, saved a guy's life who was drowning in Hawaii. And just to be safe, he performed mouth to mouth on the guy's wife." —Craig Kilborn "Today, Dick Cheney is meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi. When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'I love the way he sings She Bangs.'" —Craig Kilborn ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of April 4-10 "In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey "Condoleezza Rice gave her big testimony yesterday before the 9/11 commission. She said one of her big ambitions in life is to become the commissioner of the National Football League. And yesterday she demonstrated her ability to perform the end around, the double reverse and the prevent defense." —Jay Leno "It was initially reported that President Bush did not watch the hearings yesterday. Turns out that is not true. President Bush watched the TV coverage live from his ranch in Texas. He was able to watch, apparently, because yesterday 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' was a re-run." —Jay Leno "As soon as Condoleezza Rice finished her testimony yesterday, Bill Clinton testified in private, but he did not testify under oath. Well, of course, being a holy week he felt it was too big of a risk putting his hand on the Bible." —Jay Leno "I think that Clinton was a little confused by the committee. He kept telling them, 'I did not have sexual relations with Osama Bin Laden.'" —Jay Leno "Al Gore also appeared before the commission. He appeared for three hours. The members of the committee were praised and commended, not for their questioning, but for being able to listen to Gore for three hours." —Jay Leno "While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet on if Arnold knew the swimmer was drowning or if this was just a groping gone good." —Tina Fey "Rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News, has announced that he will support President Bush's re-election. Really, it's so hard to tell from the news coverage." —Jay Leno "Looks like there is a little problem with the White House Easter Egg Hunt this year. It seems the bunnies have contacted the United Nations and they claim that they never had any eggs and they're not hiding any eggs now." —Jay Leno On Tuesday the Alabama State Senate voted to make whiskey the official state spirit. This replaces Alabama's old official state spirit: racism." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission. Or as they’re calling it in Washington — 'The Passion of the Rice'. ... She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you’re trying to cover your ass as the same time." —Jay Leno "Condoleezza Rice said Saudi Arabia is 'fully enlisted in the war on terrorism.' Yeah. So fully, they're on both sides of it." —Jay Leno "I read something interesting about Condoleezza Rice today. They said she was actually Methodist but became a Presbyterian. You know what that means, she’s a converted rice." —Jay Leno"The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It’s bad enough he can’t find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can’t find any eggs either?" —Jay Leno "President bush has begun an Easter week vacation in Crawford, Texas. This is part of his plan to get in touch with ordinary Americans and see what it’s like to be at home not working." —Jay Leno "The United States has just announced we will begin photographing and fingerprinting every visitor to the united states even those from our allied nations. Isn’t that unbelievable? We still have allies?" —Jay Leno "Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' —Conan O'Brien "President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." —David Letterman "John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno "Here's the latest forecast for Iraq: Sunni today but tomorrow it will turn to Shi'ite." —Jay Leno "The good news from Iraq is we brought the Shi'ites and Sunnis together. The bad news: they formed an army." —Jay Leno "Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn't for Ralph Nader we wouldn't have this problem!" —Jay Leno "If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting — a far more high-tech, error-prone system." —Jon Stewart "President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman "President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno "Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds opening game. And President Bush, he threw out the first pitch at the Cardinals opener. Well it's nice to see they have the time for that kind of stuff now that everything is under control in Iraq." —Jay Leno "Before President Bush threw out the first pitch, the White House released a statement saying the president had been suffering from a sore shoulder. You know, can't Bush do anything about the White House downplaying expectations?" —Jay Leno "John Kerry has come up with a way to wipe out our country's $7 trillion debt. He says America should just marry Oprah." —Craig Kilborn "According Time magazine, Condoleezza Rice has been rehearsing for her appearance this week before the 9/11 commission. They say she has been practicing her answers by having her aides ask her questions. Wouldn't be easier just to tell the truth? Then you wouldn't have to remember the answer." —Jay Leno "They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of March 28-April 3 "John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." —David Letterman "President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." —Craig Kilborn "There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn "Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno "President Bush has reversed himself and decided to allow Condoleezza Rice to publicly testify before the 9/11 commission under oath. It was a little dicey for awhile because White House lawyers told Bush that they didn't want to set a dangerous precedent. Bush said 'Hey I'm the precedent, I'll decide what's dangerous around here.'" —Jay Leno "Bush and Cheney will make a joint appearance in front of the commission. To make sure Bush is really speaking, they're going to have Cheney drink a glass of water when Bush talks." —Jay Leno "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently took a two-hour training course in preventing sexual harassment. Actually he didn't take the course, he volunteered for the demonstrations." —Jay Leno "John Kerry held a fund raiser in Beverly Hills for a thousand dollars a head. And since Kerry's head is so big, they charged him two thousand." —Jay Leno "Several reporters have asked Dick Cheney to release his entire medical records because they say voters are concerned about his health. Cheney said he won't release his entire medical records, just volumes 1 through 30." —Conan O'Brien "Earlier this week OPEC ordered to cut oil production by a million barrels a day and President Bush came up with what he thought was a very clever solution. He said 'Hey, let's just send them bigger barrels.'" —Jay Leno "The latest political rumor is that John Kerry may pick New York Senator Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Then it will be just like the good old days having Hillary work closely with the president she's not having sex with." —Jay Leno "Earlier today, President Bush and Senator John Kerry released new political ads that don't attack each other and discuss the issues in an intelligent and accurate manner. ... April Fools!" —Conan O'Brien "Last night, President Bush raised $1.5 million in Washington, DC, at a fundraiser. It's all part of his new program, No Cash Left Behind." —David Letterman "Senator John Kerry introduced his plan to reduce oil prices. He says he's going to marry a rich Saudi Arabian princess." —Jay Leno The Bush administration announced they're going to be looking now into some short-term solutions into high gasoline prices. ... They're looking to solve the problem, I don't know, up to the first week in November." —Jay Leno "You know, I was thinking, maybe we should stop looking for weapons of mass destruction and start looking for oil." —Jay Leno "The other night Kerry was on MTV's 'Choose or Lose' and Kerry said he was fascinated by rap and hip hop. In a related story, President Bush said he was fascinated by shiny objects." —Jay Leno "John Kerry had shoulder surgery and it was very embarrassing because they put him under anesthetic ... and while they were dressing him, he kept muttering 'I don't like ketchup, I don't like ketchup.'" —David Letterman "A retired truck driver hit all the numbers in the Virginia state lottery. He received $239 million and a marriage proposal from John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced this week that after he got elected, he took a voluntary course on sexual harassment. Arnold says the sexual harassment course was a waste of time because quote 'I already know how to do it.'" —Conan O'Brien "Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno "They are grilling Rice and boy is she steamed. ... This White House is nothing if not clever. They said they will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify, and they want her to do it on TV, but it has to be on UPN, the night NBC has the final episode of 'Friends." —Jay Leno "I hate watching this name calling. At this hearing, they keep asking who's fault was 9/11. The Clinton administration blames it on the Bush administration. The Bush administration blames it on the Clinton administration. Hey, how about blaming it on the bin Laden administration?" —Jay Leno "John Kerry had shoulder surgery this week. He had no anesthesia for the shoulder surgery. He just listened to one of his speeches." —David Letterman "John Kerry appeared on MTV and he tried to appeal to MTV viewers by saying he's fascinated by rap and hip-hop. And then he added someday I hope to meet them both." —David Letterman "Some of Hollywood's left-leaning stars turned up at a fundraiser for John Kerry at Beverly Hills. Kerry created instant repoire by beginning with 'My fellow botoxers.'" —Craig Kilborn "Senator John Kerry had surgery on his shoulder. In fact, when he showed up, out of force of habit, the doctor gave him another botox shot. Actually, there was one slightly scary moment during the surgery. Apparently, the hospital transfusion room at one point ran out of blue blood. ... The doctors told him don't lift anything heavy, like your head" —Jay Leno "Michael Jackson was in Washington, DC and met with a number of Congressmen. He's pretty smart. He knows he's going to have to lie under oath pretty soon, so why not get some expert advice?" —Jay Leno "Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." —David Letterman "Even Jessica Simpson is voting for John Kerry. You know Bush is in trouble when his own people are turning on him." —Craig Kilborn "The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." —Jay Leno "It's really getting ugly between the White House and this former counter-terrorism official Richard Clarke. ... Clarke accused President Bush of subterfuge, an accusation President Bush both denied and had to look up." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gasoline if he is elected president. He said he would arm-twist members of OPEC to lower prices. Do you think this is really going to work with OPEC, arm twisting? Hey, Bush invaded them and they haven't lowered prices. We blew up the country and they haven't lowered prices." —Jay Leno "They say that Saddam is stonewalling, he's refusing to talk, he's not giving out any information. No, wait a minute, that's Condoleezza Rice." —David Letterman "President Bush has agreed to testify before Congress on one condition -- if he has to make up a lie, he has a life line to Bill Clinton." —Craig Kilborn "John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. ... He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn "Yesterday in California, John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.'" —Conan O'Brien "This week, our friend Al Franken is launching a new all liberal radio network called Air America. They say the purpose of Air America will be to balance out all the conservatives in the media, except, of course for NPR, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and the New York Times." —Jay Leno "Everyone is waiting to see if this left-wing radio thing will be successful. See, I think it's a good idea. I think we should consider different points of view. Like me, I like to hear both sides of an issue. That's why I listen to John Kerry. I know sooner or later, I'll get both sides of an issue. In fact, today, John Kerry finally cleared up his position on military action in Iraq. He said he voted yes on shock, no on awe." —Jay Leno "It's interesting. I see all these political ads and all these commentators say it's our job as Americans to vote. Let me tell you something, with Bush in charge of the economy, this might be the only job you have all year." —Jay Leno "As President Bush turned up the heat on the campaign trail, John Kerry fought back the only way he knows how: carving up the slopes on his snowboard. Oh c'mon, W. plowed through twice that much powder back in the day." —Craig Kilborn "There was an article in the paper today that said America is really a place where losers can actually come out ahead. This is true, like Clay Aiken, who lost on 'American Idol,' he's a big star now. ... Trista lost on 'The Bachelor,' she's got her own dating show now. ... George Bush lost the election and became president of the United States." —Jay Leno "It looks like Saddam Hussein may have found himself a lawyer, and surprise surprise — he's French. Who would have guessed that? What are the odds? Apparently Hussein wanted to find someone to represent him who hates America even more than he does." —Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has an attorney now. And this attorney, I've never heard of him but apparently he's a smart guy, apparently he's already had the trial moved to Los Angeles. ... The slogan for the trial is 'No weapons in Tikrit, you must acquit.'" —David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Weeks of March 14-27 "Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn "Apparently, John Kerry is an expert snowboarder. He's mastered the alley-oop, the side-rotation and the corkscrew. Oh, no wait, that was Clinton." —David Letterman "The White House announced that it's sending a company of troops to Kosovo. So far we have sent American troops to Afghanistan, Haiti, Iraq and now Kosovo. President Bush says the goal is to send as many soldiers overseas as we have jobs." —Jay Leno "We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno "As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." —Jay Leno "John Kerry is quite an athlete. He's in Idaho and they showed him snowboarding. Did you see it on the news? Man he is a good snowboarder. He was going downhill faster than Howard Dean." —Jay Leno "There was an accident on the slopes. Kerry was snowboarding and a skier collided with him and knocked him on the ground. Kerry got up and called the guy a 'son of a bitch.' In fact the FCC fined him half a million dollars and told him the next time he goes snow boarding it has to be with a five-second delay." —Jay Leno "I was watching one of those cable shows and they had one of Kerry's adviser's on and he said there are really two John Kerry's. The indoor John who agonizes over decisions and the outdoor John who makes bold, decisive action. Outdoor John, isn't that a Porta-Potty?" —Jay Leno "Some people are criticizing Kerry for going on vacation this week right when he needs to distinguish himself from President Bush. In the newspaper, they printed the titles of the four books he's going to be reading in the five days of his vacation. Hey, just reading four books in five days distinguishes him from Bush right there." —Jay Leno "It's the one year anniversary of the Iraq war. President Bush and Dick Cheney shared a quiet dinner to celebrate and then they paged through their scrapbook of made-up intelligence." —Bill Maher "To celebrate the one-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, Colin Powell paid a visit to our troops over there. But I think he's getting a little bit cocky — he used one of Saddam's old palaces to tape an episode of 'Cribs.'" —Bill Maher "The President is having a little trouble keeping the coalition together. The President of Poland, one of our key allies, said that 'We were taken for a ride on the weapons of mass destruction.' Wow. Now I know that Bush and Powell and Cheney are all out there still trying to make the case for war, but you know what, when the Polish figure out the gag..." —Bill Maher "Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has refused to recuse himself to the case involving Dick Cheney simply because he went duck hunting with Dick Cheney. He said, 'If it is reasonable to think a Supreme Court Justice can be bought so cheap than this nation is in deeper trouble than I thought, and besides, I already cashed the check.'" —Bill Maher "John Kerry, Democrat candidate, he is taking some time off in his home in Idaho from the campaign. The newspapers said he was 'snow boarding down Mt. Baldy.' Well you think the secret service can come up with a better code name for oral sex, couldn't ya." —Bill Maher "Have you seen any of President Bush's ads? They are really starting to get vicious. We've finally found an American job Bush is willing to fight for: his own." —Jay Leno "The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno "At a speech yesterday at the Reagan Library, Dick Cheney says John Kerry doesn't have the judgment to be president. And Cheney's seen firsthand what can happen when a guy doesn't have the judgment to be president." —Jay Leno "Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to
man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two
eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." —Bill
Maher "They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win." —Jay Leno "The St. Patrick's Day Parade was held on Fifth Avenue and once again gay groups were not allowed to march. Conservatives said, 'We're sorry, but painting your face green and vomiting on Fifth Avenue is a sacred institution.'" —Conan O'Brien "A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden. Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France's biggest military victory ever." —Jay Leno "John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." —David Letterman "John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." —Jay Leno "President Bush has unveiled a new campaign slogan: 'Safer, Stronger, Tested.' I'm confused, are we talking about a re-election or a condom?" —Craig Kilborn "Do you like the March Madness? Here's how it works: First you start out with 65, and then one by one, people are sent home until there's only one left, no, I'm sorry, that's our coalition in Iraq." —Jay Leno "The voters in Spain there have elected a socialist government. The new prime minister, Jose Zapatero immediately lashed out at President Bush, calling the war in Iraq a disaster, calling for all Spanish troops to come home from Iraq immediately. This obviously upset President Bush. Today, he took decisive action. He said, 'From now on, in the United States, Spanish rice will now be known as Freedom rice.'" —Jay Leno "John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." —David Letterman "John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." —Conan O'Brien "John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno "John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." —Jay Leno "Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response." —Jon Stewart "John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." —David Letterman "John Kerry is claiming that leaders of other countries have told him they hope he defeats President Bush in November. President Bush is now challenging John Kerry to name those foreign leaders. That's a first, Bush challenging anyone to name a foreign leader." —Jay Leno "President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." —Jay Leno "Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzennegger." —Jay Leno "The presidential campaign is really heating up. George Bush, his campaign is really doing much, much better, and he's shot right up in the polls since he captured Martha Stewart." —David Letterman "If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close." —Jon Stewart ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of March 7-13 "It is starting to look more and more like the terrorist attack in Spain was the work of al Qaeda and today President Bush called the Prime Minister of Spain to offer his condolences and said 'If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.'" —Bill Maher "President Bush's campaign is spending $100 million in negative TV ads against John Kerry. Isn't that a bit much? I mean, he only offered like $25 million to get Saddam Hussein." —Jay Leno "In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." —Jay Leno "John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" —Jay Leno "Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" —Jay Leno "The California Supreme Court has ordered a halt to same-sex marriages in this state. ... This ruling is bad news not just for gay people, but for a this state's economy because the only growth industry we've had here in California is renting tuxedos to lesbians." —Bill Maher "The California Supreme said San Francisco must stop marrying gay couples. Not because of legal problems, they're just running out of size 15 heels." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush's victories in the southern primaries have given him enough delegates to seal the Republican nomination for a second term. Bush had no real opposition, but Republicans did get to choose between cowboy Bush, action Bush, Martha Stewart Bush, and Bush regular." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Despite the fact that Stewart has disgraced herself too much to hold an official position at Omni media, the company may still use her name and images to sell their products. You know, sorta like Clinton and the Democrats." —Tina Fey "The 25 members of Iraq's governing council signed a landmark interim constitution Monday. Officials say it's the first constitution in history to end with the words 'Here goes nothing.'" —Tina Fey "John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno "The Bush camp wasted little time condemning Kerry's remarks as uncivil. Campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's off-the-cuff comment, 'unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency.' Bush never had a similar microphone mishap, has he? [Shows tape of Bush saying: 'There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.' Cheney: 'Oh, yeah, he is, big time.'] I gotta tell you, I know there was that one, I was actually thinking more of this one. [Shows tape from Bush's 2003 State of the Union address: 'The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.'] Oh my God, was my mike on? D'oh!" —Jon Stewart "Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush says) 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting...that you would think that's still possible." —Jon Stewart "President Bush says today he knows exactly where he wants to take this country. Is that good? Last time he took us somewhere it was Iraq." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said today he may send his own fact-finding mission to Iraq and Bush said, hey, look, if you find any weapons of mass destruction, I'll pay you for them." —Jay Leno "A study claims that by next year obesity will be the number one killer in America. Can you believe that? We're turning into a nation of Clinton girlfriends." —Jay Leno "Secretary of Commerce Don Evans said that we are trying to get other countries to adopt our economic policy. That's a great idea, maybe we can convince them to ship some of their jobs over here, too." —Jay Leno "President Bush said he doesn't care if Osama bin Laden is found in Pakistan or Afghanistan, just so he's found before November." —Jay Leno "This week, the CIA announced that they've asked 'Alias' star Jennifer Garner to tape a CIA recruitment video, which is fine but they also asked Jerry Orbach to look for Osama bin Laden." —Conan O'Brien "John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." —Jay Leno "A California state senator has proposed an amendment to the California state constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. This is ridiculous, do you know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd end up with someone like an action hero as governor." —Jay Leno "Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off." —Conan O'Brien "Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery this week. His condition is listed as orange. ... He had his gall bladder removed, which is good, I think we could all use John Ashcroft with a lot less gall. ... Actually, that's the second thing John Ashcroft has had removed, if you count, of course, the Constitution." —Jay Leno "As you know, John Kerry has a purple heart from Vietnam. Hey big deal, Dick Cheney has a purple heart from deep dish pizza." —Jay Leno "Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster — mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can." —Jay Leno "If Martha Stewart had just lied about WMDs…she’d be a free woman today." —Jay Leno "Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron." —Conan O'Brien "In his latest campaign commercial, President Bush talks about 'times of change.' If he thinks these times are changing, wait till November." —Jay Leno "Over 20 members of Iraq's governing council made history by signing a temporary constitution. President Bush said he is thrilled because although the constitution isn't perfect, it bans gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien "A California state senator has proposed lowering the voting age to 14. Three words for people who think this is a good idea: Governor Jessica Simpson." —Jay Leno "California lawmakers are now proposing an amendment that would allow 14 year olds a quarter vote and 16 year a half a vote in all state elections. How stupid is this? Don’t we have enough trouble counting whole votes? How are we gonna figure out fractions." —Jay Leno "President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." —Jay Leno "President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Feb. 29-March 6 "Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." —Craig Kilborn "Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." —Jay Leno "How amazing is that? A jury convicting a rich white woman on felony charges. Michael Jackson must be scared to death." —Jay Leno "Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart." —Conan O'Brien "This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme — 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" —Jay Leno "The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno "I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman "Political experts say this whole election will come down to a handful of swing voters. You know what a swing voter is? See, that's someone who was against the war but has a job at Halliburton." —Jay Leno "This is the week the general election started. Not surprising to me that John Kerry is the candidate. It's like any other reality show. The more interesting people get booted off first." —Bill Maher "I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." —David Letterman "Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault.' No, I'm serious, his ads talk about the attacks of 9/11, the recession, the dot-com bubble bursting, and then they end with his slogan, 'Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky.'" —Bill Maher "Have you seen these ads? They look a lot like Reagan's 'Morning in America' ads with the slow motion images of regular Americans, the new age piano music. It looks a lot like a Claritin ad. And at the end, you hear a voice-over say, 'Ask your doctor if George Bush is right for you. ...But it all kind of back-fired. I mean, they were all meant to be gauzy, feel-good image ads, but a lot of people ... are pissed off because they used images from 9/11 and the World Trade Center. The president of the firefighters' union said it was disgraceful, there was a 9/11 widow who said, 'It made me sick,' and there was Mel Gibson who said, 'Not enough blood.'" —Bill Maher "The White House predicted 150,000 new jobs for the month that just passed. The statistics came back: 21,000. But, you know, the White House, always up for solutions through labeling. From now on, Americans who've lost their jobs will no longer be known as 'unemployed,' they are enjoying 'Operation Week-Day Freedom.'" —Bill Maher "Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights." —Bill Maher "Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress." —Jay Leno "The gay marriage controversy continues. Yesterday, more than 800 gay men staged a protest at City Hall in New York to demand gay marriages. Apparently the protest had to be cut short when everybody decided to put on a Broadway show." —Conan O'Brien "A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar and stole two planes, flying one into an power line, thus fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he was there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt." —Tina Fey "The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." —Craig Kilborn "The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds — kind of like his stint in the National Guard." —David Letterman "After all the voting on Tuesday, President Bush called John Kerry to congratulate him. I'm not sure what they talked about, but I think we can rule out swapping war stories." —Jay Leno "I was watching the John Kerry supporters' victory party on Tuesday and I was watching John Kerry and Ted Kennedy speak on this giant screen; then I realized it wasn't a giant screen, it was John Kerry's head and Ted Kennedy's head." —Jay Leno "After failing to win a single state on Tuesday, John Edwards described his campaign as 'The Little Engine That Could.' And afterwards, Bush called him, and said, 'You're not going to believe this but I'm reading that book right now.'" —Jay Leno "John Edwards based his campaign on the fact that there are two Americas, one for the wealthy and one for everyone else. And after his speech, he thanked everyone else and went back to the America for the wealthy." —Jay Leno "Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?" —Jay Leno "Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different — his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." —Jay Leno "John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn "Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math." —Conan O'Brien "Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." —Jay Leno "In a recent interview, Kerry said Clinton was known as the first black president and he'd like to earn the right to be second. Is John Kerry the closest we can get to a black president? How does it make Al Sharpton feel? He's going, hey guys, hello, I'm an actual black person." —Jay Leno "John Kerry won Super Tuesday, making this, of course, anti-climatic Wednesday." —Jay Leno "There are rumors that Cheney will be replaced, but President Bush is very loyal. ... He's standing by him, but I don't know how sincere that is. I understand every day, Bush buys Cheney a large cheese and pepperoni pizza." —Jay Leno "The mayor of a small town in New York is facing criminal charges for illegally performing gay marriages. If convicted, he could face up to a year in jail, where he will enter into his own gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien "On the campaign trail today, John Edwards continued to talk about there being two Americas. Unfortunately, neither voted for him." —Conan O'Brien "Today is Super Tuesday and John Kerry is ahead but Edwards will not concede until they count all the absentee ballots of honeymooning lesbians." —David Letterman "Today was Super Tuesday where ten states got a chance to vote on who should be the Democratic nominee. As expected, the winner in all ten states was 'The Lord of The Rings.'" "The polls just closed and Howard Dean won Vermont. Even though he dropped out of the presidential race, he won. That's his home state. Well, you understand why they wanted him to be president? The last thing they wanted was him screaming at them back at home for the next four years." —Jay Leno "There were a lot of propositions on the ballot here in California. Governor Schwarzenegger was on our show last night but has traveled around the state with these propositions. Believe me, there's one thing Arnold's proven he knows how to do and that's proposition." —Jay Leno "President Bush said we will not get directly involved in domestic and economic problems in Haiti. Of course not, Bush doesn't even get involved in domestic and economic problems here." —Jay Leno "You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars. ... When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'" —Craig Kilborn "Polls are finding that 50% of people oppose gay marriage and 50% support it. Know what that means? As a state we're bi." —Jay Leno "Up to this point, every single president has been against this. Bill Clinton, he was against same sex marriage. Actually, what he meant was he was against sex with the same person you're married to." —Jay Leno "Although he supports a constitutional ban of gay marriage, President Bush says he supports a civil union. It has all the legal rights of a married couple but it's more like an arrangement than a real marriage. Hey, it worked for the Clintons." —Jay Leno "George W. Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment to ban gay weddings. Sounds like someone didn't get an invitation to Rosie's wedding." —David Letterman "Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman "During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien "Here in California gas prices have gone up to more than $2 a gallon. So not only didn’t we find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq…apparently we didn't find any oil there either. Didn't we win the war? I thought that gas would be free now." —Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein was recently visited by the Red Cross and he is in very good health and he is expected to remain that way until we, of course, kill him." ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Feb. 22-28 "Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down." —Jay Leno "On Fox News today they said catching Osama bin Laden is just a matter of time. Yeah, election time!" —Jay Leno "There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since…President Bush." —David Letterman "According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno "John Edwards says that he is interested in hearing problems that gays have. You would too if you had eight hairdressers." —Craig Kilborn "Ralph Nader said that he was in favor of gay sex — as long as it involves a condom and an airbag." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush said he was anxious to see the film (The Passion of Christ), though he was a little upset when he heard it was in Aramaic and Latin. Bush said 'Why make a movie only Arabs and Latinos would understand?'” —Jay Leno "Have you heard this rumor that President Bush may be dumping Dick Cheney from the ticket? ... He doesn't want to drop Cheney but he felt two guys running together on the same ticket might look too gay." —Jay Leno "I'm on that new Ralph Nader exercise program. ... It's not very strenuous. You only run for a couple of months every four years." —Jay Leno "You heard about this — President Bush and his call for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. A constitutional amendment. Yeah, like he knows what a constitutional amendment is. Come on! Who are we kidding?" —David Letterman "President Bush announced he would support a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. Bush said it's wrong for two men to publicly express their love, unless they're trying to get into a fraternity." —Conan O'Brien "If we amend the constitution, it will be then up to Congress to define marriage. I don't know, Congress defining marriage is a little like the University of Colorado football team defining when 'no' means 'no.''" —Jay Leno "Some experts are saying the Passion is an accurate portrayal of the last hours of Jesus. When asked how he got the actor to convey so much suffering, Mel Gibson said, 'I made him watch Lethal Weapon 4.'" —Conan O'Brien "True story, the Red Cross visited Saddam Hussein in prison and gave him a newspaper to read. Saddam opens the paper and says to himself, 'Wow, I'm still beating Kucinich.'" —Craig Kilborn "Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." —Jon Stewart, on Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage "Earlier today, President Bush said gay marriage is immoral and that heterosexual marriage must be defended, that's what he said. ... You can tell Bush is serious because he said the new Axis of Evil is Cher, Bette Middler and Clay Aiken." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush is out of control. Now he says he doesn't even want gays to plan weddings." —Craig Kilborn "Consumer activist Ralph Nader announced he would run for president. When he heard about it, Dennis Kucinich was furious and said, He's going to steal my voter away." —Conan O'Brien "Apparently Ralph Nader has a new slogan — 'You won't ever have to worry about me getting laid in the Oval Office.'" —Craig Kilborn "I tell you, John Kerry is not happy about Ralph Nader getting into the race. But when they told him today he didn't show any emotion. That's a good thing about those Botox injections." —Jay Leno "It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." —Jay Leno "President Bush's longtime dog, Spot, died. Yeah, it's a shame.... It's really sad because Spot won't live to see a second Bush term, but then, who will?" —David Letterman "The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November." —Jay Leno "Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?" —Jay Leno "The Bush family dog, Spot, had to be put to sleep. Well, he was 15 years old and President Bush said he had to be put down because of a series of heart problems over the years. Well, that's gotta make Dick Cheney kinda jumpy." —Jay Leno "Actually, he was the second-most famous Spot in the White House that wasn't considered evidence." —Jay Leno "President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots." —David Letterman "The big rumor in Washington is that Vice President Dick Cheney might be dumped from the ticket. Well, they're not really going to dump him. The plan is to take him to another undisclosed location and just leave him there." —Jay Leno "A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode." —Craig Kilborn "Ralph Nader is so serious running for president this time, he's actually thinking about pressing his suit." —Jay Leno"Nader says he is launching a campaign based on the Internet. Well, that certainly worked out well for Howard Dean, didn't it?" —Jay Leno "I don't want to say Howard Dean's Internet campaign was disappointing, but today Al Gore said he's sorry he ever invented that Internet thing." —Jay Leno "They're saying in the paper today that Dean could go back to Vermont and become a doctor again. See, this is where I worry that President Bush maybe doesn't understand a lot of the issues. See, today, they told President Bush that Dean may go work for an HMO and he said, 'As long as he doesn't marry one.'" —Jay Leno "As of midnight Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret Service protection, a three-car detail of special agents, and a bullet proof limousine pulled up in front of his house and stayed there all night. See, that's what you get when you're the frontrunner. Dennis Kucinich got a whistle and a can of mace." —Jay Leno "In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I'm shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it's interesting, he has Ronald Reagan's appeal as an actor and George W. Bush's difficulty with the English language. And, let's not forget, he's got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win." —Jay Leno "It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd." —David Letterman "A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Feb. 15-21 "Ralph Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'" —Craig Kilborn "John Edwards is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would make a good president? You know I look at it this way, if we're going to consistently have liars in the White House, why not get a professional?" —Jay Leno "John Kerry picked up his first endorsement deal today for this new shampoo, 'John Kerry: Really Big Head and Shoulders.'" —Jay Leno "Howard Dean ended his campaign for president this week, but so far he has refused to endorse another candidate. As a result Dean received thank you notes from both John Kerry and John Edwards." —Conan O'Brien "The latest CNN Gallup poll is in, and I don't want to say he did badly, but Joe Lieberman had to concede again." —Craig Kilborn "A man in Vermont was so angry at his waitress, he got in his truck, gunned it, and crashed into the coffee shop. It's good to see Howard Dean's making a smooth transition into regular life." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush is now on the campaign trail more and more. He's going out there and meeting the people. Most Republicans say that they want to see him serve four more years. The National Guard said 'Hey we'd like to see him serve his last 2 years.'" —Jay Leno "President Bush now expected to endorse a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. You see, I don't think President Bush really understands this whole gay marriage issue. Like today he said 'I don't have anything against gay guys, I just don't want to see one of them marrying my daughter.'" —Jay Leno "I'm telling you this gay wedding craze is starting to spread around the country. In fact, today a guy in Utah married five other guys." —Jay Leno "President Bush says he is troubled by the wedding licenses being issued in San Francisco. But to show his compassionate side, he said he is all in favor of those dwarfs on Fox getting married." —Bill Maher "In an effort to brighten the economic outlook, the Bush administration is thinking of reclassifying fast food jobs as manufacturing jobs. And to brighten the crime statistics they're thinking of reclassifying rape by college athletes as illegal use of the hands." —Bill Maher "On tomorrow's 'Meet the Press' Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by three votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say stay home Nerd, you're the reason we're in this K hole to begin with." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Howard Dean announced an end to his Democratic Presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile Dennis Kucinich is dropping out so he can appear on the next episode of 'The Littlest Groom.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Our governor here has weighed in on the San Francisco situation. He said he wants them to stop the gay marriages going on up there, but he said that he still supports same sex groping. ... Governor Schwarzenegger says this is not the proper venue to express gay sexuality, but try the locker room at Gold's Gym." —Bill Maher "There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office." —David Letterman "President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." —Jay Leno "President Bush is having a tough time these days, having to defend himself a little bit. Yesterday, big story, President Bush backed away from his claim that the economy will grow by 2.6 million jobs this year by saying, 'I'm not a statistician.' Then Bush said, 'Actually, I'm an Episcopalian.' He got confused." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush said today he's troubled by all the gay marriages. ... He said the only time two men should ever be in bed together is if one is a lobbyist and one is a politician." —Jay Leno "I think President Bush might be afraid of John Kerry. Today, he came out against same-sex debates." —Craig Kilborn "I thought this was weird — today Saddam Hussein said he doesn't think America is any safer now that Howard Dean is no longer a candidate." —Jay Leno "Dean spent over $40 million to win the primary. All that money didn't win. It's amazing. It's like the New York Yankees of politics." —Jay Leno "The only way Dennis Kucinich is going to end up in the White House is if he moves to San Francisco and marries John Kerry?" —Jay Leno "The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan O'Brien "This former intern of John Kerry is claiming that she did not, she's denying rumors that she had sex with John Kerry. So you know what this means? Well, she had sex with John Kerry, that's exactly what that means." —David Letterman "Governor Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage and then he went back to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys." —Craig Kilborn "How about that Howard Dean? He dropped out of the Democratic presidential race. He gathered all of his supporters in Wisconsin and he gave a moving, reflecting, vein-popping farewell speech." —David Letterman "Howard Dean dropped out. Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." —Craig Kilborn "Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard." —Jay Leno "Political experts are calling Howard Dean's campaign the biggest political collapse, I guess, since Bob Dole ran out of Viagra." —Jay Leno "Over and over, Howard Dean reiterated he never kowtowed to special interest groups like, say voters." —Craig Kilborn "An exciting opportunity awaits Dennis Kucinich. He's been asked to star in the second season of Fox's 'The Littlest Groom.'" —Craig Kilborn "Is it me or does John Kerry look like Hugh Grant in the year 2050?" —Jay Leno "There were those rumors going around that John Kerry had Botox injections. Now they're speculating that President Bush may have had a nose job. Probably what happened was it started growing when he started telling those stories about the National Guard." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has denied rumors that he had a two year affair with a younger woman. The rumors proved to be totally false. I mean anyone who knows him knows he’s always been attracted to older money." —Jay Leno "President Bush says he's troubled by all the gay weddings that have been going on in San Francisco. Bush also says he's troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship on 'Sesame Street.'" —Conan O'Brien "President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno "It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." —Jay Leno "In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn "Earlier today, President Bush spent a little time with National Guard troops training in Louisiana. In fact, when he arrived, the commanding officer said, 'Hey, you're a little late by about 30 years.'" —Jay Leno "Over the weekend, President Bush attended the Daytona 500, how many folks enjoyed watching the Daytona 500? But President Bush left before the race was over, you know, like his National Guard duty." —David Letterman "A retired National Guard commander says he remembers President Bush showing up there for duty back in the '70s. He remembers Bush because he used to come into his office, sit down, and read. However, payment records released by the White House say that could not have been President Bush. Just the fact that the guy was sitting there reading I think suggests the fact that it was not George Bush." —Jay Leno "Today was the Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard Dean is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That must be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the race. What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno "John Edwards said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." —Jay Leno "Did you see who's campaigning with John Kerry now? Ted Kennedy! Can you imagine those two giant heads coming down the street together? It's gonna look like a Macy's Day parade." —Jay Leno "Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?" —Jay Leno "Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien "Howard Dean says that if he drops out, he'll go back to being a doctor. How would you like to be the first guy he makes turn and cough?" —Craig Kilborn "Since it's election year, there's a lot of talk about President Bush wasting $87 billion for a victory for our men in uniform. No, I'm sorry, that's George Steinbrenner." —Jay Leno "Alex Rodriguez is the highest paid player in baseball, $252 million. That's amazing, I'm telling you, that kind of money could buy us another day in Iraq. But I'll tell you, I think it's refreshing. I think it's nice to hear about a $252 million contract that doesn't involve Halliburton, don't you?" —David Letterman "Over the weekend, John Kerry — the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on — he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." —David Letterman "The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction." —Jay Leno "I think the White House is starting to backtrack a little bit. Like today they said president Bush may not have attended the National Guard, but he did attend National Guard related program activities." —Jay Leno "It's a great night, and I'll tell you why — the entire balcony here in the Ed Sullivan theater is full of guys who swear they were in the National Guard with George Bush." —David Letterman "Remember Saddam Hussein, they pulled him out of that hole, remember Saddam Hussein? Well, he's still over there, and they've got him at the Marriott and they've been interrogating him and they've learned some fascinating things about the man. He's a drug user. Yeah, apparently he first smoked marijuana in 1959. And that explains his six-month absence from the Iraqi National Guard." —David Letterman "President Bush attended the Daytona 500 — he's courting the NASCAR dads. Meanwhile, John Edwards was at the Staples Center for the NBA All-Star Game. I guess he was courting the kids-out-of-wedlock dads." —Jay Leno "How many people saw President Bush at the Daytona 500? Did you see that? Bush had a flashback when he saw the race cars. He said, 'Gentleman, start your breathalyzers.'" —Craig Kilborn "Senator John Kerry won primaries in Nevada and Washington, D.C. — one of course a haven for hookers and gamblers and the other one, the home to Las Vegas." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Feb. 8-14 "An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "It's Valentine's Eve and in honor of that President Bush announced today that he is doubling the funding for abstinence only sex ed programs. Just because other people are doing it, doesn't mean you have to participate — kind of like National Guard duty." —Bill Maher "That is a story that will not go away from the White House. They tried this week to prove that Bush did show up in Alabama for his National Guard service and they showed he had a dental appointment. ... Which raises even more questions, for one, they have dentists in Alabama?" —Bill Maher "Today the White House released all of the President's military records. They are divided into two sections, scorched and shredded." —Craig Kilborn "In a stunning announcement the FBI and the Army have arrested a 26-year-old National Guard member from Washington State who allegedly was trying to pass secrets to al Qaeda. President Bush was shocked. He said 'What, people show up for National Guard duty?'" —Jay Leno "In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." —Jay Leno "President Bush gave a speech yesterday on the spread of Pakistan's weapons of mass destruction. He said 'These aren't like those other weapons of mass destruction, these weapons actually exist.'" —Jay Leno "In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." —Craig Kilborn "This Sunday, President Bush will be at the Daytona 500 for the start of NASCAR season. President Bush is a big fan of NASCAR. Bush says if it weren't for NASCAR, man never would have stepped foot on the moon. Finally, somebody said, "Uh, sir ... that's NASA." —Jay Leno "Congress has begun hearings on indecency in the media. Thank god this Iraqi thing is out of the way so we can move forward. They now propose this three-strike rule for indecency on television. That's good. That means we get to see Janet Jackson's breast at least two more times." —Jay Leno "Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." —Jay Leno "John Edwards on the show tonight. He's also running for president. I guess this is a tradition in his family; I'm going to ask him about this. On their first anniversary, he and his wife went to Wendy's because they were in the middle of a move. And now they do it every year. Forget his two America's speech. This should be his platform. Any guy that can convince his wife to go to Wendy's every year for his anniversary; think what he could convince other world leaders to do." —Jay Leno "I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever there was a war. Kind of like Bush and the National Guard." —Jay Leno "The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno "There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." —David Letterman "President Bush says that he can't find any of his National Guard records from the 70s. Oh sure, but he's got no problem finding photos of John Kerry with Jane Fonda from the 70s." —David Letterman "The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None." —Jon Stewart "There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale." —Jay Leno "The White House announced today that during the Vietnam War, President Bush was listed as MIA — Missing In Alabama." —Jay Leno "Bush did have an explanation, he said he did go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas." —Jay Leno "The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate John Edwards keeps saying that there are two Americas. Unfortunately, they're both voting for John Kerry." —Jay Leno "As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard." —Jay Leno "Critics are now saying that his dad got him out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did get him to go to Iraq." —Jay Leno "Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it. Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?" —Craig Kilborn "Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent." —Craig Kilborn "The White House released President Bush's military records from the National Guard, which include a rare photo of Bush in an F-102 flown by his chauffeur." —Craig Kilborn "I'm not sure if President Bush really understand how important the issue is. Like today, a reporter asked if he was a deserter. Bush answered, 'No, I skip the pie, the ice cream ... not a big deserter.'" —Jay Leno "Who cares if Bush did his job in the national guard 30 years ago. Personally, I'm more afraid of the job he's doing now." —Jay Leno "You can tell that the campaign has shifted into high gear because whenever President Bush refers to John Kerry, he calls him 'the senator from the gay wedding state'." —David Letterman "Senator John Kerry won the primaries last night. In fact, in the rural areas, he got over 67 percent of the mullet vote." —Jay Leno "They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno "Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter." —Jon Stewart "General Wesley Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race. He said he's going to go back to his old job, being a Republican." —Jay Leno "Even though Al Gore endorsed him, Howard Dean only got four percent of the vote in Al Gore's home state of Tennessee. That means he didn't even get all the votes in the Gore family." —Jay Leno "The congressional hearings began today into the Janet Jackson's half-time Super Bowl scandal. It's interesting to me, they won't look into Iraq, they're not looking into Enron. But by god, Janet Jackson's bra, they're looking into that." —David Letterman "President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." —Craig Kilborn "The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'" —Jay Leno "I love watching the White House press conferences, they're very enjoyable. I love watching talented journalists who spent their entire lives to get the point where they're in the White House press corps only to find out they're dictation machines where the White House will tell them what to say. But I'm watching it today and the strangest thing happened, today was the first press conference relevant since they released the President's Vietnam service record and suddenly, it's like there's a whole new attitude. I have just one question for the press corps: Where the f--- have you been? You're starting to ask questions now? Now? All of a sudden, they've got questions and it's about his Vietnam service. Guys, you're like eight wars behind. Hey! I heard there was a break in at the Watergate! You might want to check in on that!" —Jon Stewart "Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn "In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." —Jay Leno "Bush also told Congress Monday that America's economy is strong and getting stronger. As an example, Bush cited the fact that the price of an average Congressman was up 25 percent over 2003." —Dennis Miller "The latest issue of Time magazine asked if President Bush has a credibility problem and the cover of the latest Newsweek magazine asked who really killed Jesus. And in both cases, it proved the same thing — it's hard to get good intelligence in the Middle East." —Jay Leno "President Bush was on 'Meet the Press' Sunday. A lot of his White House staffers thought it was a bad idea. Hey, better than him going on 'Jeopardy.'" —Jay Leno "There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have Earthlink.'" —Jay Leno "If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000."' —Jon Stewart "President Bush also said Sunday that he wants to lead the world to more peace. More peace — can we take any more of this peace? I mean, it worked so well in the Middle East, let's spread the peace around a little bit." —Jay Leno "John Kerry said that America needs to be able to trust their president and Hillary Clinton said, 'Tell me about it.'" —Jay Leno "Former president Bill Clinton won a Grammy in the spoken word category. If you had told me a year ago that Bill Clinton would be a Grammy winner and that Janet Jackson would be the subject of a government sex investigation ..." —Jay Leno "How many of you saw President Bush with Tim Russert on 'Meet the Press' this Sunday? It was fascinating, he was on for a full hour and during his interview on 'Meet the Press,' President Bush said that Iraq could have 'nucular weapons.' 'Nucular weapons.' Or, even worse, nuclear weapons." —David Letterman "Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop-out." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn "On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno "There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked by Tim Russert if his commission investigating Iraq was bipartisan. President Bush said, 'A person's sexuality should pay no role in this.'" —Jay Leno "John Edwards keeps saying there are two Americas. You know, President Bush used to think there were two Americas, but then he stopped drinking." —Jay Leno "Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding, apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno "Embarrassing moment today for Vice President Dick Cheney — as he went through the White House metal detector this morning, security made him empty his pockets and out fell Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia." —Jay Leno "Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did." —Dennis Miller "Richard Gephardt officially endorsed John Kerry on Thursday. Kerry quietly thanked Gephardt and than began feverously working to keep the endorsement from going public. Vowing to give Kerry's campaign all the assets remaining from his organization, Gephardt presented Kerry with three folding chairs and half a pack of fax paper." —Dennis Miller "In light of the Ricin scare both the House and the Senate are considering banning all unsolicited mail from constituents, so if you want to contact your elected representatives, just wire the money directly into their accounts." —Dennis Miller ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Feb. 1-7 "They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher "The White House is enraged by these suggestions that President Bush was AWOL during Vietnam. However, under an obscure prevision of the Patriot Act actual Vietnam combat veterans will be reclassified as show-offs." —Bill Maher "It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher "Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher "Howard Dean is staking it all now on Wisconsin. He says if he loses there he is out and of course he will lose there. So he is already thinking of resuming his life as a doctor in Vermont, which may not be easy either because if you think people don't want a crazy guy in the White House, you should hear about how they feel about a crazy guy sticking his finger up your ass." —Bill Maher "It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Howard Dean, once the Democratic front runner, said if he does not win the Wisconsin primary on February 17th he will drop out of the race. Dean made the announcement by telling a group of supporters 'We will not go to Oklahoma, or Indiana, or Kansas. We will not go to Texas, or Kentucky, or Pennsylvania, Or New York IIIIIIIEIEI'" —Jim Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin." —Tina Fey "New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." —Bill Maher "A very happy birthday to Ronald Reagan, one of America's most beloved presidents — 93-years-old today. George Bush today sent his warmest regards to Mr. Reagan and asked if he wanted to be on his committee looking in on intelligence failures." —Bill Maher "Because of Janet Jackson's performance at the Super Bowl the Grammys will now be on a 5-minute delay so they can take out any mistakes. In fact they're saying Dick Cheney wants to use this technology on Bush's speeches." —Jay Leno "Next week the Bush administration is going to start broadcasting an Arabic language satellite TV channel in the Middle East. President Bush said the channel will tell people the truth about what the United States is doing in the Middle East, which is pretty good considering that he didn't even tell us what we were doing in the Middle East." —Jay Leno "John Kerry has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response, "What did I do to you?" —Craig Kilborn "In a recent interview First Lady Laura Bush said that the Janet Jackson breast incident bothered her very much. The first lady said I think it's unfortunate that children and the president had to see that." —Conan O'Brien "The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas Air and National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the claims 'shameful' and 'the worst of election year politics,' and 'completely true.'" —Tina Fey "The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy." —Tina Fey "President Bush is now launching an investigation into pre-war intelligence over weapons of mass destruction. If we find out that we were wrong, do we have to put Saddam Hussein back in the hole?" —Jay Leno "John Kerry won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political analysts say the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said 'I'll show you how to do it.'" —Jay Leno "One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno "This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien "Do you know about this fight over Kerry's people and Bush's people over the military service? Kerry says Bush never showed up for his national guard duty — and now Bush is on the attack, accusing John Kerry of ducking national guard duty by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam." —Jay Leno "The cable news channel MSNBC has hired Howard Dean's former campaign manager Joe Trippi to be a political analyst. Is that really a good idea? Wait two weeks and you can hire Howard Dean." —Jay Leno "During his trip, Wolfowitz took a positive view of the peril he put the troops in, noting 'The more successful we are, the more we can expect them to go after those things that represent success.' Does this guy know how to motivate the troops or what? Apparently the best way to measure our accomplishments is to witness the destruction of our accomplishments." —Jon Stewart, on Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's recent trip to Iraq "Did you see Justin Timberlake is still going to the Grammys? So, this is how it works: If you show a breast you get kicked out of the Grammys. But if you reach for a breast, you get to perform at the Grammys and be the governor of California" "They kicked Janet Jackson off the Grammys and Justin Timberlake stays on the Grammys. So, this is how it works: If you show a breast you get kicked out of the Grammys. But if you reach for a breast, you get to perform at the Grammys and be the governor of California." —Jay Leno "Former Governor Gray Davis has made a guest appearance on the CBS sitcom 'Yes Dear,' which is got to be nerve wracking for him, knowing that at any moment he screws up he could be replaced by an actor — again." —Jay Leno "Dennis Kucinich vowed to stay in the presidential race. "Stay in?” How about get in?" —Jay Leno"The toxic chemical ricin was discovered in the U.S. Capitol this week. Even more bad news — it's beating Dennis Kucinich in the polls." — Craig Kilborn "Congratulations to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno "John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno "Because of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the news to his supporter." —David Letterman "This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay Leno "Howard Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now." —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate Howard Dean was at a fish market in Seattle catching fish and he did so well, next week he starts full time." —David Letterman "If Howard Dean is still limping along, other campaigns have collapsed with the last sign of Joementum fading. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who was banking everything on, and I kid you not, a strong showing in Delaware, took last night's 0-7 performance as a sign that the game was finally jover." —Jon Stewart "Yesterday after performing poorly in all of the primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman decided to drop out of the race. ... When asked about it, he said I knew I was in trouble when the Jewish guy in North Dakota didn't vote for me." —Conan O'Brien "Joe Lieberman has dropped out of the race for president. You know if Joe had raised just $10 million more, he could have gotten his ass kicked for two more months." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush has started to campaign on the accomplishments of his administration. Bin Laden’s been forced into hiding, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated, Janet Jackson is under investigation. "We'll get to the bottom of this!" —Jay Leno "President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno "They say Bush's popularity is falling so fast, his new secret service codename is 'Howard Dean.'" —Jay Leno"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman "Here's something frightening — in Washington yesterday, three senate buildings were shut down after a white powdery substance tested positive for ricin. At first they thought it just was John Kerry’s Botox delivery." —Jay Leno "It seems the ricin was found in the office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Police believe now that the person who sent it is someone who has a grudge against Senate Republicans. So now they're looking for a gay middle class couple with no health care." —Jay Leno "Because of this ricin poison scare yesterday, the Senate postponed all voting. You see this has a ripple effect on the economy because when politicians can't vote, oil companies, drug companies, tobacco companies can't get the money. That means that bartenders and hookers all suffer." —Jay Leno "John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno "Wesley Clark is bringing an Army verteran on the campaign trail who saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien "Kucinich is not doing well. In fact, even in Florida today, people said they wouldn't vote for Kucinich even by mistake." —Jay Leno "In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in." —Jon Stewart "President Bush has appointed a commission to answer one big question about pre-war Iraq: How did our oil get under their sand?" —Craig Kilborn "This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn "Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno "We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon Stewart "How many saw the big Super Bowl halftime show? You know, it's like turning into a thing now. ... President Bush has now formed a Department of Wardrobe Security." —David Letterman "You know who was really mad about that whole incident? President Bush, he was very upset. In fact, today, he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal." —Jay Leno "It was quite a Superbowl show, if you think about it. There was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed and then Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. You know, I'm surprised John Ashcroft's head didn't explode." —Jay Leno "Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?" —David Letterman "I don't think President Bush is getting this situation. He said, 'If we don't set standards of decency, the nipples have won.'" —Craig Kilborn "Yesterday on MSNBC, televangelist Pat Robertson said the reason Democrats are still competitive in national elections, is that, and this is his quote, "African Americans don't cotton to the idea of voting for Republicans”. Maybe that’s because Republicans like Pat Robertson keep using 'cotton' as a verb!" —Jay Leno "The former California governor Gray Davis has got a new job. He's going to guest star on the CBS show 'Yes, Dear' next month. Let me tell you, you see, Gray Davis is very clever. You see, I know what Gray Davis is doing. He's going to become a famous actor, get back into politics, and beat Arnold at his own game." —Jay Leno "Today is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno "On Groundhog Day, the old timers think they can predict whether it's going to be an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow, or, as President Bush calls it, 'reliable intelligence.'" —Jay Leno "The chairman of the FCC announced he's launching an immediate and swift investigation into what they're calling 'Nipplegate.' ... We still have to wait until next year to find out why we went to war with Iraq, but we'll find out what happened with (Janet Jackson's) breast probably in 48 hours." —Jay Leno "During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the 'intelligence community.' And he doesn't want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we're okay there." —Jay Leno "A spokesman for the military said today they expect to catch Osama bin Laden this year. I understand they're shooting for the first week November." —Jay Leno "After the game, President Bush calls the winning team, he calls the Patriots and listen to this, former President Clinton called Janet Jackson." —David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Jan. 25-31 "A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno "John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher "Poor Al Sharpton, he only got 345 votes total in the New Hampshire primary. Here's a tip Al, when you're driving around the small white, conservative states, turn down the bass." —Bill Maher "Howard Dean announced this week that his staff is leaner and meaner. Leaner because he's letting some of them go and meaner because he's not paying them anymore." —Jay Leno "Dean announced that he's pulling his TV ads off this week and he's asked his staff to skip paychecks for the next couple of weeks because they're out of money. See this way he can keep the campaign going to explain to the American people how he's the best guy to balance the budget." —Jay Leno "The campaign that's really in trouble apparently is Howard Dean. It was in the paper this week he blew 40 million so far with very little to show for it. Got rid of his campaign manager. Apparently the campaign manager was responsible with his slogan that has failed Dean so far: 'I will kill you.'" —Bill Maher "Joe Lieberman placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed it was a three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is staying in. I think he's taking up history here. He wants a chance to prove that losing in 2000 was no fluke." —Bill Maher "I feel great, I'm on the new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what I do I just keep losing and losing and losing." —Jay Leno "I don't want to say Dennis Kucinich is doing badly, but last night his campaign was featured on the CBS show 'Without a Trace.'" —Jay Leno "It's starting to get nasty. Last night during the debates John Edwards said the president must be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. I don't know, but shouldn't the qualifications be a little tougher than that. ... Today President Bush responded and said, 'Chewing gum and walking is not hard. Chewing a pretzel, that's tricky.'" —Jay Leno "Condoleezza Rice was on every network morning show today blaming this whole mess on 'flawed intelligence.' Afterward the president took her into his office and said, 'You weren't talking about me were you?'" —Bill Maher, on the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq "President Bush is getting a little desperate to justify the war. He's looking for a country music star to write a song called, 'Sometimes America Just Likes to Kick Some Ass.'" —Jay Leno "In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno "Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno "Now it's starting to get nasty because the latest is there's this rumor going around that Senator Kerry has had botox shots. Does anybody care? I think all people really care about is if Howard Dean has gotten all his temper shots." —Jay Leno "Senator Kerry is lucky. He's got millions of dollars to spend to make his face look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he has to use a steam iron to get rid of the wrinkles on his face. " —Jay Leno "God bless Dennis Kucinich. Even though he's doing terrible, he keeps running. In fact his slogan is 'Don't look back.' Of course he doesn't have to look back, there's nobody behind him." —Jay Leno "Howard Dean is fighting back. He said about his campaign shakeup ... you'll see a leaner meaner organization. Meaner? How scarier is he going to be? Is he going to be biting people now?" —Jay Leno "Howard Dean's campaign manager lost his job. You know how it happened? Right after Howard Dean ran over him with a car." —Craig Kilborn "General Wesley Clark has spoken out both in favor and against the decision to go to war with Iraq. In fact this weekend in South Carolina, he’ll be debate himself." —Jay Leno"This week has been a tough week for President Bush. Yesterday ... David Kay testified before Congress on weapons of mass destruction. He said, 'We were almost all wrong.' You never hear a politician say that. We were almost all wrong. President Bush hasn't heard those words since he took his SATs." —Jay Leno "Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!" —Jay Leno "The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno "Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno "When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed." —Jon Stewart, on the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary "Lieberman did well in the exit polls. Every poll said he should exit. ... He came in fifth. The man skipped Iowa and moved to New Hampshire. Even Seabiscuit is going, 'Lieberman give it up.'" —Jay Leno "The rumor is Lieberman may be suspending his campaign. He said he's going to pool all his remaining resources and just play Lotto. The odds are better." —Jay Leno "Kucinich got one percent of the vote. And the sad part is there's a three percent margin of error. That means Kucinich could actually owe votes." —Jay Leno "It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was." —Craig Kilborn "At the Vatican in Rome, Vice President Dick Cheney had a sit down meeting with the Pope. The Pope took one look at Cheney and immediately starting administering Last Rites." —Jay Leno "Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'" —Jay Leno "A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno "John Edwards is an interesting character; doesn't he look like the guy from the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor if Viagra is good for him." —Jay Leno "I'm wearing my new Joe Lieberman watch. Problem is, it stops running after New Hampshire." —Jay Leno "Elsewhere in New Hampshire, Senator Joe Lieberman withered today and remained optimistic till the end. ... He then snapped, 'Shut up Hadassah, you're ruining my Joe-mentum.'" —Jon Stewart "Tomorrow, of course, is the big primary in New Hampshire. John Kerry has the lead, Howard Dean has the momentum, and I understand Dennis Kucinich has the bird flu." —Jay Leno "They say that little outburst Dean had in Iowa may have cost him some standings in the polls and to make it worse it looks like today he may have lost his endorsement deal with Snuggle fabric softener." —Jay Leno "How many saw his interview the other night with Diane Sawyer? Actually, he gave a pretty good interview. He was honest. He said 'I'm a human being, I have all kinds of warts.' And today, Bill Clinton said 'You too?'" —Jay Leno "According to a poll on Playboy.com, 46 percent of men surveyed think Al Sharpton is the most well-endowed candidate, while 24 percent feel John Edwards is. Let me tell you something right here, if you're a guy and you're on the Playboy website and all you're thinking about is how well endowed the candidates are, you're on the wrong website." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Jan. 18-24 "Howard Dean is desperate to change the subject. Today he was up in a tree explaining that sleeping in the same bed with children is charming." —Bill Maher "Howard Dean and his wife were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I think the interview with pretty well, they only had to use the pepper spray on him twice." —David Letterman "Candidate Joe Lieberman insists that he is not thinking about the polls, which is ironic because the polls show that nobody is thinking about him." —Jay Leno "In New Hampshire, Dennis Kucinich went on a ten-stop bus tour and finally the bus driver said 'Look pal it's the end of the line, you gotta get off. You can't ride the bus all day.'" —Jay Leno "Political experts say that during last night's Democratic presidential debate, nobody stood out and nobody made any big mistakes. In a related story, nobody watched." —Conan O'Brien "During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien "At last night's debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said 'Hey, thanks for the new slogan.'" —Craig Kilborn "Up in New Hampshire the pundits are talking about John Kerry's surge. Apparently, John Kerry is the man to beat now. They're saying this is the biggest come from behind story since Kobe Bryant." —Bill Maher "In his State of The Union address President Bush said, 'Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.' Let me tell you something — he is serious. In fact, earlier today Britney Spears was arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay." —Jay Leno "Scientists at NASA have stopped high-fiving. It seems that the Mars rover no longer wants to talk to us. So minutes ago President Bush announced that this proves that Mars is not cooperating with our inspection and the war is on." —Bill Maher "Former President Bill Clinton says he lost so much weight on his new diet he has to get all new clothes. At least that's what he told Hillary when she caught him with his pants down." —Jay Leno "Rush Limbaugh is in trouble. Prosecutors say that they have enough evidence to put him away on 10 felony counts. This would be the biggest blow to the conservative movement since Anne Coulter announced she had a penis." —Bill Maher "Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging." —Jay Leno "In New Hampshire, John Edwards continues to say there's two Americas. Today, President Bush said that's wrong, there's only one America. And then he repeated it in Spanish. You know, for the other America." —Jay Leno "We're learning more and more about Senator John Edwards. He's multi-million dollar personal injury attorney. In fact, that's how he's going to solve the deficit problem. He's going to go up the steps of the Capital, fake an injury, and collect billions." —Jay Leno "Democratic candidate Wesley Clark revealed this week that he got half a million dollars last year lobbying the Bush administration for security software. You know what you call a Democrat who makes half a million dollars lobbying the Bush administration on security? A Republican." —Jay Leno "John Edwards did very well the other night. Political experts say Edwards did well in Iowa because he emphasizes optimism and kindness. It doesn't always work out though. Today, he tried to kiss a baby and it turned out to be Dennis Kucinich." —Conan O'Brien "I don't know what you think about Howard Dean. I think I'm going to vote for him. I miss hearing screaming coming from the Oval Office." —Craig Kilborn "How about that Howard Dean? Did you see him screaming at everybody? He was at a rally yesterday and a guy was heckling him and so he started singing 'God Bless America.' And then, he followed up with 'When a Man Loves a Woman.'" —David Letterman "Seriously, I'm starting to worry about Howard Dean. Earlier today, he was debating Dennis Kucinich and he head-butted him." —David Letterman "I really believe about Howard Dean that we're about a day away from him announcing he's addicted to pain killers." —David Letterman "Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators." —David Letterman "As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." —Jay Leno "Last night the president’s address was exactly three years from when he was first sworn in. Think about America was like back in January of 2001. The Eagles were just this close from winning the big one, Pete Rose was banned from the Hall of Fame. and Howard Dean was a guy with no chance of getting elected president." —Jay Leno "In last year's State of The Union, Bush said there was no doubt that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Last night, Bush said they had 'weapons of mass destruction related program activities.' What’s he going to say next year — Iraq had weaponish thing-a-ma-jig whatcha-ma-callits." —Jay Leno "President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day." —Jay Leno "President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training." —Jay Leno "President Bush also spoke about the dangers of people who spread sexually transmitted diseases. You see typical Republican, always taking a shot at Clinton." —Jay Leno "Under everyone's seat in the House of Representatives last night, there was a foiled package containing a hood in case there was a chemical and biological attack. One embarrassing moment last night. Trent Lott opened the hood and said, 'Shouldn't there be a white robe in it?'" —Jay Leno "Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'" —David Letterman "Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'" —Jay Leno "God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear." —David Letterman "I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone." —Craig Kilborn "Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight." —Craig Kilborn "In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno "John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno "John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name — because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." —Jay Leno "The big surprise — John Edwards came in second. He was very eloquent; he said we have two America's — one for the rich and one for the poor. Today President Bush said, 'Why don't you become president of the crappy one.'" —Jay Leno "Good news for Howard Dean's wife — looks like she is going to get some of the privacy that she wanted." —Jay Leno "Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh my God! Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting mad Dean disease. I'm no pundit but it's always a bad sign when at the end of your speech, your aide is shooting you with a tranquilizer gun." —Jay Leno "Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay Leno "Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard — cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman "Howard Dean has been the front-runner and last night he finishes a distant third. Here's what happened: the people of Iowa realized they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad." —David Letterman "Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'" —Conan O'Brien "Howard Dean finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as Britney Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn "Senator Joe Lieberman — he skipped Iowa — he's now devoting all his energy to loosing in New Hampshire." —Jay Leno "In New Hampshire, Joe Lieberman is not doing very well. Currently he is two points behind the Taliban candidate." —David Letterman "Yesterday in the Iowa caucuses, Dennis Kucinich got only one percent of the vote. Apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall.'" —Conan O'Brien "Earlier tonight, all of the television networks covered President Bush's annual State of the Union address. It was a real crowd pleaser; Bush promised 16 new contracts to Halliburton." —David Letterman "President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. I think he is getting a little cocky. Instead of playing Hail to the Chief, he was lowered to the podium to 'We are the Champions.'" —Craig Kilborn "You've heard about the big race in Iowa, the Iowa caucuses. It's amazing. Right now, it's too close to tell who's going to get their ass kicked by Bush." —Craig Kilborn "Out in Iowa they had the Iowa caucuses. Last word — the results are too close to call unless you are Dennis Kucinich." —David Letterman "Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" —David Letterman "Howard Dean, long time Democratic front-runner finally introduced his wife on the campaign. I'm telling you, this makes the Clintons look close." —David Letterman "The Iowa Caucus is non-binding. It's like a Britney Spears marriage." —David Letterman "Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'" —Jon Stewart "Take John Kerry — the man who fell off the radar — he may win this thing. Not bad for war hero turned senator. Or John Edwards — polling a surprising second -- quite a coup for the bastard son of a retarded mill worker. Let's not forget the screamer with braces on two legs, Dennis Kucinich. ... If he can overtake the one testicled half man/half monkey Howard Dean, he could then easily edge out Richard Gephardt — the pleasant freckled face congressman" —Daily Show correspondent Rob Corrdry "NASA has gotten together with the Lego company to produce the Lego model of the Mars rover. I think it's a great way for kids to understand why they don't have healthcare." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush has announced plans to send astronauts to Mars. I don't think President Bush really understands the space program. When he first heard about the Mars rover he said, 'Hey if we can put a dog on Mars we can put a man on Mars." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Jan. 11-17 "The race for the Democratic nomination is getting tight. In Iowa, it is a four-way dead heat — Dean, Kerry, Edwards and Gephardt. It is so close, Fox News doesn't know who to smear." —Bill Maher "These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" —Bill Maher "President Bush wants to put a man on the moon by 2015. Well forget about the moon, why don't we go to Afghanistan and find Osama bin Laden." —David Letterman "President Bush said again today that he wants to send Americans back to the moon, then to Mars and then onward into space. Of course he realized that Americans don't have any more friends on earth." —Jay Leno "Conservative groups are demanding that President Bush support a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. They feel that when the founding fathers were putting the Constitution together they made a mistake by not outlawing it. Have you ever seen the paintings of the founding fathers? The powdered wigs, the frilly collars, the pedal pushers — I think they were for it." —Jay Leno "The frontrunner of course is Howard Dean. People may be saying he might be too short to be president. Earlier today he was campaigning at a mall in Iowa and security kept coming up to him asking if he was lost." —David Letterman "Good news for Democratic hopeful Joe Lieberman. According to the polls, he just pulled ahead of mad cow disease." —Craig Kilborn "According to the latest polls, the race in Iowa between John Kerry, Howard Dean and Dick Gephardt could end in a three-way tie. Political experts say there hasn't been a three way in politics since Bill Clinton." —Conan O'Brien "Big news — Carol Moseley Braun dropped out of the Democratic presidential race after a poll revealed she was only 98 points ahead of Joe Lieberman." —Craig Kilborn "Now that Carol Moseley Braun is out of the race, it will give Dennis Kucinich a firm grasp on last place. I don't want to say Dennis Kucinich is doing poorly, but they are already calling him the Iowa carcass." —Jay Leno "Last night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining to me why she should be the next president of the United States. I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart "Al Sharpton said the Democratic Party has to stop treating blacks as their mistresses. Sharpton then explained a mistress is where they take you out to have fun, but they don't take you home. Was that really necessary to explain what a mistress is to Democrats?" —Jay Leno "Today, on the coldest day in over 50 years, Al Gore gave a speech attacking President Bush on global warming. Good timing Al. ... First he grew a beard right before the terrorist attacks — that was smart. Now he is talking about global warming in the middle of winter. What's next — cutting the ribbon at the Michael Jackson Daycare Center?" —Jay Leno "Yesterday President Bush announced a new plan to colonize the moon and put a man on Mars by 2030. He calls it the intergalactic guest worker program. He feels that space aliens will work for a lot less money than illegal aliens." —Jay Leno "He said although robots have worked well in space, humans need to touch and feel things. Do you know who told him that? Governor Schwarzenegger." —Jay Leno "President Bush is also announcing plans for a $1.5 billion election-year drive to promote marriage. He also wants another billion dollars to send an American to the moon. That's how you know we have a big divorce problem in this country — when it costs more to keep a couple together than to send a man to the moon." —Jay Leno "According to a new study, most Americans under 25 get their information on politics from the internet — which may explain why the Democratic frontrunner is Senator 'You Can Add Inches to Your Penis.'" —Conan O'Brien "President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's — I guess he wasn't lying." —Jay Leno "President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart "President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan — to drill where no man has drilled before." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush announced plans to create a permanent lunar space station. President Bush said if the lunar space station works out we will build one on the moon." —Conan O'Brien "Senator Joe Lieberman said his campaign is now picking up momentum, which tends to happen when you're rolling downhill." —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate Wesley Clark called for a new probe for the war in Iraq — he wants to know why he was initially in favor of it." —Jay Leno "According to the New York Times, Dean's wife does not like the spotlight. If she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she should have married Dennis Kucinich." —Jay Leno "According to a new survey about the Democratic candidates for president, most of Howard Dean's support comes from urban voters, most of Wesley Clark's support comes from rural voters. The survey also reveals that all of Dennis Kucinich's support comes from his family." —Conan O'Brien "How bout those freezing temps back east — -2 in New York, -6 in Philly, -8 in Boston — wait, I'm sorry, those are the poll numbers for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn "Yesterday, the Pentagon announced it will take over Halliburton's role in transporting fuel into Iraq. They think by getting rid of Halliburton and cutting out the middle man they can just screw the American taxpayer directly." —Jay Leno "Bush says he is willing to give green cards to illegal immigrants who take jobs Americans don't want. Because of this, there is a new act in Vegas — Siegfried and Jose." —Jay Leno "[Bush] wants to legalize millions of undocumented workers. Boy, how much did Wal-Mart give to his campaign? Whooo, that's a big contribution, isn't it?" —Jay Leno "Tomorrow, President Bush addresses the nation on the future of space exploration. So I'm gonna play a drinking game, and I'm gonna do a shot every time Bush says 'Klingon.'" —Craig Kilborn "Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves — how can we possibly beat this guy?" —David Letterman "President Bush is disengaged, as opposed to President Clinton — who was on top of everything." —David Letterman "O'Neill was a permanent member of the National Security Council -- meaning he was able to provide author Ron Suskind with thousands of important documents that included evidence that from day one of this administration, Bush was out to get Saddam Hussein and that he told his cabinet early on, 'Go find me a way to do this.' To which the Pentagon responded, 'How 'bout bombs?'" —Jon Stewart "O'Neill also provided Suskind with several damming pre-9/11 memos including one entitled 'Foreign Suitors For Iraqi Oil Field Contracts' and another entitled 'Military Plan For Post-Saddam Iraq.' Said a Bush Administration official — 'So that's where the military plan for post-Saddam Iraq went! Can you fax that?'" —Jon Stewart "During the most recent Democratic debate, Howard Dean admitted that during his 11 years as Vermont's governor he didn't appoint a single black person to his cabinet. Dean said he would have, but during those 11 years he didn't see a single black person in Vermont." —Conan O'Brien "President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again." —David Letterman "In [Pete Rose's new book} he admits that he used to date cocktail waitresses, groupies and strippers. I don't know if that will keep him out of the Hall of Fame, but he is now the leading candidate for the Democratic nomination." —Jay Leno "Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his State of The State Address. He’s called for huge cuts in government programs. The biggest cuts: legal services for sexually harassed women." —Jay Leno "Mexico's President Vicente Fox said that Mexico’s relationship with America has its ups and downs. That’s right. Their people come up here and our jobs go down there." —Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive Jokes for the Week of Jan. 4-10 "This week, Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted that there is no direct link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. So let that be a warning world leaders. If you have no direct link to al Qaeda, we will get you." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Madonna announced that she is backing Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark a much needed boost in the Puerto Rican back-up dancer vote." —Tina Fey "Brewing Company has released a new beer called 'Govinator,' which is a tribute to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in no way qualified to be in a beer." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "It's one thing to believe Bush's policies are leading his country toward a bleak future of massive debt, increased terrorism, and environmental catastrophe but does Dean have to be so mad about it? He just comes off as petty. I mean, if America liked angry presidents JFK would have beaten all those secretaries instead of nailing them." —Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert, on why he believes Dean is too angry to appeal to the general electorate "The big news next week, President Bush will address the nation to announce his plans to send astronauts to Mars — French astronauts." —Craig Kilborn "Tom Ridge says we're no longer on high alert — so he said we shouldn't let our guard down. So I'm doing my part and staying high." —Craig Kilborn "President George Bush may have to have knee surgery. I think I know how he hurt his knees. He's been praying to God for Democrats to nominate Howard Dean." —David Letterman "President Bush promises we will only be on Mars for a couple months until they are capable of self-rule." —David Letterman "President Bush this week unveiled his plan to grant 100,000 illegal aliens jobs here in the United States. I believe they call it 'the draft.'" —Craig Kilborn "In Florida, a female teacher seduced an 11-year-old boy in her class and lied about it for a year. Who says a woman can't be president?" —Craig Kilborn "Yesterday in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his first state of the state speech. And earlier today, it was re-broadcast in English. It was a very successful speech — it was interrupted 27 times by applause and three times to apply body oil." —David Letterman "NASA said the rover on Mars discovered a muddy black liquid. If it's oil, some little green men are about to get their asses kicked." —Craig Kilborn "They've had Saddam Hussein in custody for about a month now and it looks like they are finally getting him to talk. Like yesterday, he admitted that he bet on baseball." —David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman |
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