Jokes for the Weeks of Dec. 18-31

"President Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas cards to friends this year did not say 'Merry Christmas." Instead they said, 'Sorry about the indictment.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today three wise men arrived at the White House. They're lawyers trying to help President Bush avoid impeachment. They brought gold and other things." --Jay Leno

"The Clintons will be celebrating Christmas up in Chappaqua. Hillary will go down the stairs on Christmas morning and find a surprise under Bill." --David Letterman

"New York City was brought to its knees by this strike. Which is why Bill Clinton moved there." --Jay Leno

"I'm joking about it but the traffic now is horrible in the city. The city is now like Dick Cheney, every major artery in is blocked." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton did some caroling this week, he also did some Racheling and Michelling." --David Letterman

"Newsweek magazine is reporting that president bush called in the editor and publisher of the New York Times two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here's my question. How did he know they were going to publish it?" --Jay Leno

"Let's see what is going on with George W. Bush. Do you know what the "W" stands for? Wiretap." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney has warned members of congress that the Patriot Act is set to expire in just ten days. Not only that, but parts of Dick Cheney are set to expire in ten days." --Conan O'Brien

"I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people." --Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict said that Christmas isn't about expensive presents; it's about joy. After the statement, the Pope went back to his gold and marble apartment."—Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq, it was yesterday. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his warm holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments? Iraqi officials met with Dick Cheney, or as they call him over there, Lawrence of Arythmi." --David Letterman

"In his 318th speech in Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field." --Jay Leno

"Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would be the French army." --Jay Leno

"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart

"USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks the first time in history the words 'Bush' and 'available for the draft' have ever appeared together in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq over the weekend. He met with the Iraqi prime minister who showed him his purple finger from the election. Then Cheney showed the Iraqi minister his purple fingers from bad circulation." --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, you know. President Bush and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your phone were telemarketers." --Jay Leno

"Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.' It's not store policy or anything, they just don't speak English." --Jay Leno

"Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of Dec. 11-17

"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey

"President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes." --Jay Leno

"A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was arrested for bank robbery. Guy's a congressional press secretary, police said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah, Congress." --Jay Leno

"King Kong is so popular right now that there's talk he may run for governor of California." --David Letterman

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." --Conan O'Brien

"Several right-wing groups say they might boycott the Ford Motor Company because they continue to advertise in gay magazines. In a related story, most Americans plan to boycott Ford because they make Fords." --Conan O'Brien

"The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years." --David Letterman

"Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans." --David Letterman

"The only time more people voted in the Middle East [than did in Iraq's elections] was during Fallujah's Funniest Home Videos." --Conan O'Brien

"It will take up to two weeks to figure out who won this week's Iraqi elections. So far it looks like the dark-haired guy with the moustache." --Conan O'Brien

"Today they held the elections in Iraq, and the results are slowly coming in. The only thing we know, Al Gore lost again." --Jay Leno

"Now they can get you for jury duty, my friends. Welcome to democracy, b*#%!" --Jon Stewart, to Iraqi voters

"President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can't blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected." --Jay Leno

"Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover." --Jay Leno

"The Iraqi elections -- oh my god, they're almost over, the polls are probably closing now, come on, Hassan Al-Tikriti bin Yossef! How many people you think wrote in Nader's name, just to goof around?" --Jon Stewart

"You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Washington, Tom DeLay was wearing an extra layer of bribe money." --Jay Leno

"During an interview yesterday, President Bush said 'You can call me anything you want, but don't call me a racist.' Brian Williams responded: 'Whatever you want, Dumbass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, 'I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. You know what you call that? A Christmas miracle. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% -- like it was on Election Day." --Jay Leno

"More Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than Americans do. I guess they don't get the New York Times over there." --Jay Leno

"The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings." --Jay Leno

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

"Fox News' Bill O'Reilly has been at the forefront in defending Christmas, even though, until recently, Fox's own online store invited viewers to buy an 'O'Reilly Factor' holiday ornament for their holiday tree. In the war on Christmas, that's known as friendly fire. ... Legend has it every time you say 'Happy Holidays,' an angel gets AIDS." --Jon Stewart

"Say what you will about George Bush, but at least his interns are only licking the envelopes." --David Letterman, on Bush sending out 1.4 million Christmas cards

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey with, it's a curfew." --David Letterman

"The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Dec. 4-10

"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey

"It's predicted that USC running back Reggie Bush will be the overwhelming vote-getter for the Heisman Trophy award. That's tomorrow, isn't it? It's also the first time the words 'Bush' and 'overwhelming vote-getter' appeared in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"A rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today, Rumsfeld denied it, saying if you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House has publicly denied reports that first daughter Barbara Bush is engaged. They said, if and when she does get engaged they will announce it in the traditional way of leaking it to Time magazine." --Jay Leno

"In the trial of Saddam Hussein on Tuesday, witnesses emotionally testified about the abuse the former dictator inflicted on them. Afterward, a tearful Saddam said, 'Ah, good times.'" --Amy Poehler

"The city of Detroit is in the middle of a recount to determine who won the mayor's race. Surprisingly, both candidates are claiming the other guy won." --Conan O'Brien

"For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sound's like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush lit the candles on the White House menorah. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw the menorah and said 'Cool, a flaming rake.'" --Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Laura Bush read 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' to a group of children. Unfortunately, the first lady was interrupted when Dick Cheney yelled 'Go Grinch.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. that Dick Cheney had to take the chains off a detainee and put them on his car." --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was hospitalized earlier this week with a rapid heartbeat...After the doctors examined him, they replaced some of Arnold's obsolete computer chips and reinforced his titanium exo-skeleton. He was good as new." --Jay Leno

[On anti-torture legislation negotiations]: "It works like any negotiation. ... Both sides go in overreaching with their best-case scenario going forward, knowing they're probably not going to get exactly what they want. McCain has opened with no torture, any time, any place. The administration has countered with, we want to do whatever we want, whenever we want, to whomever we want, and we don't want anybody knowing about it. So they're not really that far apart. There's some wiggle room there. And if you know anything about torture, you do not want to spend any time in the wiggle room." --"Daily Show" Senior Human Rights Correspondent Jason Jones

"A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't have the word 'Christmas' in them. In response, President Bush said, 'You try spelling it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'" --Jay Leno

"Saddam did not show up for his trial today. He's boycotting his own trial. How does that work? How can a defendant not show up for his own trial? I mean, Bush can't even get out of jury duty." --Jay Leno

"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." --Jon Stewart, on Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"

"In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for casting the war in Iraq in a negative light. Yeah, he said they should focus on the light-hearted and fun aspects of the war." --Conan O'Brien

"Howard Dean said that we can't win in Iraq. And if anybody knows about not winning. it's the Democrats." --Jay Leno

"One of the things Saddam is upset about, and complained about in court, is that he has been wearing the same pair of underwear for three days.  He's lucky he's not in Abu Graib, he would be wearing them on his head.  Isn't it bad form for a ruthless dictator to complain about his underwear?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Fidel Castro, the dictator in Cuba, was criticizing the president today and Florida Gov. Jeb Bush. He called Jeb Bush the president's fat little brother. Now sir, let me explain what it's like to live in a country of abundance. You didn't have to go there, sir, that's all I'm saying, Mr. Castro. You may have your beef, as it were, with Jeb Bush, but you don't need to put the 'dick' in dictator." --Jon Stewart

"A lot of Bush supporters are very upset about the TV show the 'West Wing.' They say there are too many Democrats on the 'West Wing.' That'll even out when 'Prison Break' comes back, there'll be a lot more Republicans then." --Jay Leno

"Newsweek magazine has a cover story about women and terror. They now say that al-Qaeda is now recruiting women to be suicide bombers. It's so typical, you know when they get to heaven they only get 57 virgins for every 72 virgins that the men get." --Jay Leno

"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called 'The Amazing Race Card.'" --Jay Leno

"In Texas, President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can't even get out of jury duty." --Jay Leno

"Actually, President Bush was pretty excited about being called until he found out it wasn't for the Saddam Hussein trial." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today they sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards this year. You know, when Clinton was president, he sent out twice as many cards. Of course, that was for Valentine's Day." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? General George Custer. And like President Bush, he had no exit strategy either." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein stood up in his trial and shouted 'I am not afraid of execution!' Until his lawyer explained that he wasn't going to get to execute anyone, that it is you who will be executed. Then Saddam said, in Arabic, and this is a rough translation, 'My bad.'" --Jon Stewart

Jokes for the Week of Nov. 27-Dec. 3

"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey

"President Bush and the first lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. Yeah, it would have been 201, but someone told the president that Legoland is not a real country." --Conan O'Brien

"Bulgaria and Ukraine announced they're considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Yeah, the troops will be withdrawn as soon as they can find a car that seats 6 people." --Conan O'Brien

"Down in Washington they lit the Christmas tree. President Bush pulled the switch and the tree lit up. Since that was successful they're thinking about trying the same thing with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"President Bush lit the National Christmas Tree. The tree has over 25,000 lights. One for every indicted member of the administration." --Jay Leno

"President Bush getting tough. In his speech at the naval academy he said we will not leave Iraq until we have achieved our goal. He calls this plan 'leave no oil barrel behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush said he was not afraid to go it alone. Boy, I tell you, if any more Republicans get indicted, he may have to." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has defended the White House position on detainees by saying, 'with terrorists, you can lock someone up even before they commit a crime.' How about trying this with Congressmen? Why don't we try this some time?" --Jay Leno

"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family." --Tina Fey

"A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler

"In a recent speech former diplomat Joe Wilson, he's the husband of that outed CIA Agent Valerie Plame, he called columnist Bob Novak a "jerk" and an "a-hole". You can see how he became a diplomat." --Jay Leno

"Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating now down to 35%. To give you an idea about how unpopular President Bush is right now, he wasn't even invited to the White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was called for jury duty in Texas. Whew, finally some good news for Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"It seems the Pentagon has been paying Iraqi journalists to promote a proWhite House view in Iraqi newspapers. See, luckily, we don't have that kind of thing here. We have Fox News." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards to friends and supporters. Yeah, in a related story, Vice President Dick Cheney sent out three. And they all say 'I'm gonna get you'" --Conan O'Brien

"California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook." --Jay Leno

"Imagine being too unethical for Congress. That's like a rat hair getting kicked out of a hot dog." --Jay Leno

"Little reminder for all you lobbyists, oil executives and defense contractors out there, only 26 more shopping days to buy a congressman." --Jay Leno

"In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"Right after (Bush) finished the speech the rebuttal was given by the Democratic leader -- Barbra Streisand. Actually the rebuttal was given by John Kerry. Then John Kerry asked for more time to give a rebuttal to his own rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was at the Mexican border yesterday. Apparently his poll numbers are so low that he was trying to make a run for it." --Jay Leno

[On freedom's progress): "Here in Baghdad, freedom. In outer Baghdad, free-ish, gradually becoming liberatory. The southern regions, somewhat under-oppressed. The city of Umm Qasr, vaguely unshackled. The Western provinces, still a little kidnappy." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"California Congressman Randy Duke Cunningham resigned yesterday after he admitted to taking $2.4 million in bribes. Of course his resignation was a big shock. Especially to the companies who bribed him. 'What? We spent all that money and he quit. What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno

"Only in America. Even though he stole 2.4 million he has agreed to pay back 1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took ... Don't you love how our system works? So if you're poor and you steal a loaf of bread it's a $200 fine, if you're a congressman who steals $2.4 million you get to keep a 25% bonus." --Jay Leno

"What does Duke Cunningham say to Tom DeLay? 'You want the upper bunk or the lower bunk'" --Jay Leno

"Like Scooter Libby, Duke Cunningham comes pre-nicknamed for prison. Unlike Scooter Libby, he comes pre-named as a top." --Jon Stewart

"Sounds touching but those tears; paid for by a lobbyist from the saline industry." --Jon Stewart, on Duke Cunningham's resignation speech 

"A hunk of marble fell from the front of the Supreme Court building, a big hunk of marble. I believe it was the biggest thud at the Supreme Court since Harriet Miers" --David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein was back in court. They said that Hussein remained defiant and acted as if he was still in power. Kind of like the Democrats here." --Jay Leno

"During his trial yesterday, this is the latest, Saddam Hussein spent part of his time writting a poem. Apparently he kept interrupting the judge to ask what rhymes with 'spider hole.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big White House Christmas tree arrived in Washington yesterday. This is President's Bush's favorite holiday tradition. Anything that involves cutting down a tree, Bush has a great time." --Jay Leno

"[Canadian Prime Minister Paul] Martin's ruling Liberal party had engaged in a money laundering scheme that had funneled money into party coffers. Shocking -- that somewhere, a liberal party is ruling." --Jon Stewart

"To compete for your tourist dollars, each of America's 50 states have created slogans. Some, like Virginia Is For Lovers, have succeeded greatly. Others, like Come To Montana Unless You're A P**sy, have not." --Jon Stewart

"A chunk of marble fell off the facade of the Supreme Court building. Just fell off, boom. Engineers believe it may have fallen off because the building was leaning a little too far to the right. ... Here's the sad part, it didn't hit one lawyer." --Jay Leno

"Former head of FEMA Michael Brown has opened up his own private disaster agency. That's like Robert Blake opening up a marriage counselling facility." --David Letterman

"President Bush spent the Thanksgiving weekend at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. A lot of anti-war protesters showed up. On the news they said that 12 pro-Bush supporters were also there. Twelve? Really? That's it? That's pretty bad isn't it? Even Scott Peterson had more people than that waiting for him." --Jay Leno

"In Baghdad, the trial of Saddam Hussein began again today, after a five-week delay which saw two of the former dictator's lawyers executed and a third flee the country. In addition, the trial was adjourned after it was discovered that a key witness against Saddam had been found dead. Although, on the bright side, that witness died of cancer. Which I believe in Iraq is a very hopeful sign. To see someone there live long enough to die of a disease, I think they're turning things around." --Jon Stewart

Jokes for the Week of Nov. 20-26

"President Bush is on another six-day vacation at his Texas ranch. He wanted to come back today but he couldn't figure out how to work that door." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Bush officially pardoned the White House turkey. Then after he pardoned the turkey he appointed it the new head of FEMA." --Jay Leno

"Thanksgiving is Bill Clinton's favorite holiday. It's the one time of year he can undo his pants at the dinner table and not get sued." --Jay Leno

"The former head of FEMA, Michael Brown, has decided to go into business for himself as an emergency management consultant. That's like Robert Blake deciding to become a marriage counselor. He's even got a great slogan -- when you call Michael Brown, you know it's a disaster." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry has been picked for jury duty. He was elected foreman. Well, after two weeks of campaigning and spending $12 million of his wife's money. He got it!" --Jay Leno

"Imagine John Kerry on the Robert Blake jury? How long are those deliberations going to take? I voted guilty before I voted not guilty." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report out of England, President Bush made plans to bomb the al-Jazeera TV network, but was met with disagreement. By Dick Cheney, who wanted to bomb CNN instead." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Here's an interesting fact. Do you know how they pick the turkey to give the presidential pardon to? They see which one gave the most money to Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"Thanksgiving is almost here. Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Dick Cheney however wanted to torture it." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know President Bush has returned from his Asian tour. Remember the old days when Nixon opened the door to China? Now we can't even open a door in China." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has returned from China. While in China there was one moment where he went to leave a press conference and couldn't get a door open. By habit he said, "Jenna, what are you doing?!" --David Letterman

"In an interview in GQ, rap artist 50 Cent says he is a big fan of President Bush...this increases President Bush's approval rating among African Americans to one." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said he is particularly upset when critics say they lied us into the war. I say fine. Just lie us back out and we'll call it even. How about that?" --Jay Leno

"After 25 years Ted Koppel did his last show tonight at "Nightline". Immediately after the show he drove upstate and released his hair into the wild." --Conan O'Brien 

"President Clinton said the other day that pulling out of Iraq would be a mistake. His exact words were, 'Pulling out would be a mistake...' and you can finish the rest of the joke yourself." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush had an embarrassing moment after holding a press conference in China, did you see this on the news? He tried to leave the room, but the doors were locked. Once again, no exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Of course people will be eating turkey on Thanksgiving. A lot of people like to bake it, some broil it, a lot of people pan fry their turkey, some roast it. Dick Cheney plans to have the CIA torture his." --David Letterman

"President Bush is following Arnold Schwarzenegger into China. When Bush landed on Saturday, Arnold had just left. Boy, the Chinese thought they had trouble understanding Arnold. They go from Arnold Schwarzenegger to President Bush. Who are we sending them next? Bob Dylan, Ozzie Osbourne?" --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Nov. 13-19

"According to the latest poll, a majority of Americans think President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are not telling the truth. How ironic is that? You ever think you'd see the day where you missed the honesty of Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. It was just a practice run for Scooter Libby." --David Letterman

"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey

"I don't think President Bush really knows a lot about China. See, today, he said he was really looking forward to seeing the Great Mall." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are saying the reason President Bush went on this trip was to take a break from the critics, the critics who say he manipulated the truth, misled the public and supports torture. Well, he won't hear any complaints from the Chinese on that." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito says he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980's. Yeah, apparently Alito wrote the song 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, 'Millions? With an M? That is adorable.'" --Amy Poehler

"President Bush is planning on spending Thanksgiving out at his ranch in Crawford. And you know how he always pardons the White House turkey? Bad news for the turkey: There are three cabinet members ahead of him." -- Jay Leno

"George Bush's brother Jeb, who is the governor of Florida, says he wants to be president. And you can't blame him. Right now the Bush name is magic." --David Letterman

"For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress -- Republicans! -- are demanding to know the president's exit strategy from Iraq. Yeah, in response the president said I have an exit strategy, I'm leaving office in 2008." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Pentagon, Iraq detained 83,000 terror suspects, enough to fill a football stadium. You know what you call a football stadium filled with terrorists in this country? Oakland Raiders' games." --Jay Leno

"Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother." --David Letterman

"Rumor is that President Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, may run for president. Rumor is? According to Florida voting machines, he's already won." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on an 8-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs. He's spending 8 days in the Orient, and as we all know, he's spent the last four years in disorient." --David Letterman

"Congress today asked the president to give them updates on Iraq, and I can only say, that isn't happening? Maybe, uh, you guys suck worse than I thought." --Jon Stewart

"It's hot out there. I was sweating like a Japanese translator trying to figure out what Bush was saying." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea of how unpopular Bush is right now, on his way to Japan, he had to sit in coach." --Jay Leno

"Jeb Bush now says he would like to be president, and I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'When can you start, Jeb?'" --David Letterman

"As Schwarzenegger found out, the trouble with getting voted in as a joke, sooner or later, the joke gets old." --"Daily Show" commentator Lewis Black

"Osama bin Laden's brother has been arrested in Paris for money laundering. I tell you, it's things like that that could give the bin Laden family a bad name." --David Letterman

"Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush is in Japan today, and the prime minister took Bush on a tour of a temple. Yeah, there was an awkward moment on the tour when Bush said to the prime minister, 'You don't look Jewish.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is in town. He has been squeezing in as many fundraisers as possible before his indictment." --David Letterman

"Governor Jeb Bush of Florida has announced he might run for president, because how many times have you thought to yourself that all we need is one more Bush in the White House? Actually, experts say he's a shoe-in because he owns all of the crooked voting machines." --David Letterman

"President Bush, is on his Asian tour now. He'll visit Japan, China, South Korea, Mongolia. Once again, he's skipping Vietnam." --David Letterman

"While the Democrats are focusing on how we were misled to war, Bush is focusing on how to mislead us out of it. ... If we were wrong about why we went in, we have to be wrong about why we're leaving. Otherwise ... it sends our enemies the message that America lacks the will to remain incorrect." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"Bill Clinton and Hillary in Israel tonight. That's what the Mideast needs, two more people who are fighting over there." --Jay Leno

"In Michigan, an 18-year-old high school student was elected mayor, ousted a 51-year-old incumbent. An 18-year-old replacing a 51-year-old. In Beverly Hills, that's called a second marriage." --Jay Leno

 Jokes for the Week of Nov. 6-12

"President Bush on Monday defended U.S. interrogation of terrorists, saying 'We do not torture.' He added, 'We freedom electrocute.'" --Amy Poehler on "Saturday Night Live"

"California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody." --Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live"

"In an Election Day victory for their party on Tuesday, Democrats won the governors' races in Virginia and New Jersey. Democrats everywhere got together to celebrate before they realized they don't remember how." --Amy Poehler on "Saturday Night Live"

"In a speech earlier today, President Bush said his opponents are rewriting the pages of American history. You know what makes him really mad? They're using big words." --Conan O'Brien

"Every Friday night, CBS has this tremendous hit show, 'Ghost Whisperer.' It's about a woman who is contacted by the dead, and she does things for them. As a matter of fact, earlier tonight, she was contacted by George Bush's second term." --David Letterman

"President Bush gave Muhammad Ali the Medal of Freedom yesterday. It was a little sad- it was hard to understand him, he didn’t make any sense. But Muhammad was patient and tired to help President Bush finish." --Jay Leno 

"The price of gas is down for the 5th straight week. President Bush has called an emergency cabinet meeting to find out what the hell went wrong." --Jay Leno

"As of today former FEMA Director Michael Brown is finally off the government payroll. That’s how slow FEMA is – they can’t even fire someone fast." --Jay Leno 

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama. I don't think President Bush really knew who the Dalai Lama was. He kept praising him for his fine work in the 'Karate Kid' movies." --Jay Leno

"D.C. City Councilman Marion Barry displayed a gasification machine, which can supposedly convert garbage or sewage into pollution-free energy and drinking water. However, he did not turn it on to prove that it works. And why would he? All I need to hear are the words 'Marion Barry' and 'gasification machine' and I'm ready to invest." --Amy Poehler

"There's now talk that either Warren Beatty or Rob Reiner will run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor. That gives Californians a real choice: Romantic lead, sitcom star or action hero." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said 'I'm not going to act all upset and hurt because I don't have that kind of range.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

"When these oil company executives walked into the Capitol building, all these senators and congressmen were scared and nervous. It's always a little nerve-wracking when the real owners of the place show up." --Jay Leno

"Night after night after night of looting and burning cars, but don't worry, because the French government is working around the clock at finding a way to blame it on us." --David Letterman

"As you know, it rained last night on Gov. Schwarzenegger's parade. ... I don't think a politician has heard 'no' this many times since Bill tried to get into Hillary's bedroom." --Jay Leno

"The chiefs of the five major oil companies defended their companies' huge profits before a congressional committee. See, this gave oil company executives a chance to put a face to the names they write on the checks." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked all the White House employees to take an ethics course. And Dick Cheney's asked them all to take CPR. In fact, it's not even a course, it's a seminar, being held in Vegas, and Halliburton is picking up the tab." --Jay Leno

"New Yorkers voted on Proposition 8, do you know what that is? Proposition 8 makes it illegal to shoot someone in a library without a silencer." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney went duck hunting and there were no ducks. Apparently he got some bad intelligence." --David Letterman

"Every night people go out and go crazy all over France. Last night over 600 cars were set on fire, 600 cars! But the good news is that the rioters saved over 15% by switching to Geico." --David Letterman

"Well, while all this is going on, all these indictments, President Bush has now ordered everyone in the White House to attend ethics classes. Woo, not a moment too soon on that one. Now, you thought FEMA was late? --Jay Leno

"That President Bush, I'm telling you I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. His approval rating is at an all-time low, 35%. For the first time, it's actually lower than his grades at Yale." --David Letterman

"Today is Election Day, did everyone vote today? It's very important to New Yorkers -- we're one step closer to self-rule." --David Letterman

"I voted today and I had to wait twenty minutes while two NFL cheerleaders were having sex in the booth." --David Letterman

"The election for governor of New Jersey is taking place today, and, as we speak, it is way too close. I don't mean the race, I'm talking about New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush traveling a lot these days. You notice that? Last week, Bush was in Latin America, and later this week he's going to Asia. The trips are all part of Bush's new domestic plan, 'Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain has introduced a bill in the Senate that would ban torture by U.S. citizens. McCain decided to introduce the bill after listening to the new rap album by Kevin Federline." --Conan O'Brien

"Last month, the Senate voted for a ban on torture 90-9. You heard me correctly, nine United States senators refused to vote against torture. Those senators included Illinois Democrat Thumbscrews McGee, Iowa's Cattleprod von Analpair, and of course, Ted Stevens of Alaska. ... The vice president is lobbying to keep torture an option. That's the guy not running for office in 2008." --Jon Stewart

"Senator McCain, stop taking away are right to do it 'cause it doesn't exist. It's like licensing unicorns or ending Leprechaun Wednesdays." --Stephen Colbert, on torture

"Over 1,300 cars set on fire in France -- 1,300! Usually, to see that many cars on fire, you have to wait for the Detroit Pistons to win a championship." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton is taking the bird flu seriously. He says he'll personally check every Hooters in the country". --Jay Leno

"Not looking good for President Bush's popularity. He's now at 35%. If he drops just three more points, he becomes a Democrat." --Jay Leno

"It's been 12 days of rioting in France, and the question is, how long can this go on until the French government surrenders." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"The immigrants, mainly North African Muslims, are upset that they're being shunned by French society. They feel alienated, scorned, looked down upon. Apparently, they're unaware this is a common situation known as Being French." --Rob Corddry

"The Muslims, without realizing it, are living the French dream,. The idea that anyone, no matter how poor, no matter where he's from, can be judged not by the content of his character, but by the incorrectness of his conjugation. ... It's refreshing to see a country erupt in a violent orgasm of hatred and know they can't pin this one on us." --Rob Corddry

"Things are not going well for Scooter Libby. You see him walking around on crutches? Yeah, apparently he hurt his ankle taking the fall for Karl Rove." --Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberg is so confident about being re-elected that yesterday he called Florida and cancelled the crooked voting machines." --David Letterman

"Iraq is now planning to be a five-star hotel and a theme park for what they're expecting to be a future tourist boom, boom being the operative word there." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Oct. 30-Nov. 5

"President Bush was greeted by ten thousand demonstrators screaming 'get out Bush, get out Bush.' And that was here at the airport before he left." --Jay Leno, on Bush's trip to Argentina

"The president's trip to Argentina has ended badly: He's coming back. His visit there in Argentina was greeted as expected. There were thousands of people rioting, flipping over cars, smashing store fronts, signs saying Bush go home, which is nothing compared to what would have happened if he had shown up in Detroit at Rosa Parks' funeral. Yeah, he didn't go to that, because he's about as popular with black people as a chicken that just sneezed." --Bill Maher

"Samuel Alito, who is widely agreed to be conservative, intelligent and competent, and President Bush said he would be willing to overlook those facts this time." --Bill Maher

"The president might be trying to scare us. His speech had the Bush stamp all over it. He said prevention comes down to a few simple things, like covering your mouth when you leak, making sure your intelligence is cooked thoroughly, and remember that we're fighting the bird flu over there, so we don't have to fight it over here" --Bill Maher

"President Bush is in South America. When he landed, he said 'Oh my god, John Edwards was right, there ARE two Americas!'" --Jay Leno

"Here's the good news, yesterday President Bush announced his plan to fight the bird flu. The bad news? There's only enough doses for the Red States." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's popularity here at home has slipped to 35%. His popularity is so low that he may be forced to get his own show right here on NBC." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former assistant, Scooter Libby, pleaded not guilty to the charges against him. Yeah, the weird thing is since his name is Scooter, he's being tried in juvenile court." --Conan O'Brien

"What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House? ...Pardon me." --Jay Leno

"Outside the courthouse, Libby's lawyer said all he wants to do is clear his client's good name. I don't know, Scooter? Is that a good name?" --Jay Leno

"[In the New Jersey governor's race,] the Republican candidate is running an ad featuring the Democratic candidate's ex-wife, and the Democratic candidate is allegedly spreading rumors that the Republican candidate had an affair with an ex-Miss New Jersey. Boy, remember the good old days in Jersey when all they had to worry about was a crooked gay governor?" --Jay Leno

"It was reported this week that when he was in college, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito supported gay rights. Apparently, his exact words were 'Let's get Jenn and Stacy drunk and see if they make out.'" --Conan O'Brie

"Well, a poll in USA Today says 59 percent of Americans are not at all interested that Prince Charles is here visiting. Why should we be interested? Another foreigner without a job coming to America." --Jay Leno

"Senator Chuck Grassley has written to the oil companies asking them to donate a portion of their nearly hundred billion dollar oil profits to help low income people buy heat this winter. The oil companies responded by offering millions of dollars to someone to run against Grassley in the next primary." --Jay Leno

"Just when you thought things couldn't get any uglier at the White House, yesterday, Prince Charles and Camilla showed up. As you know, Prince Charles is known as the Prince of Wales. Isn't that interesting, wasn't that also Clinton's nickname?" --Jay Leno

"Political experts say that because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues, his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, the Democrats feel that they're only three or four more empty gestures away from a complete moral victory." --"Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms, on the Senate's closed-session

"President Bush outlined the U.S. government's plan to attack a bird flu outbreak. Apparently his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here. In fact, do you know what they're calling the plan to attack? Flock and awe." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'" --Jay Leno

"Big battle brewing in the Senate over the Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito. Bush said the reason he chose Alito was because he did such a good job in the O.J. trial" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, if George W. Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. And today George W. Bush said 'Again?'" --Jay Leno

"If Judge Alito is confirmed, this is an interesting fact, there would be two sitting Supreme Court justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case of Mullet vs. Backhair." --Conan O'Brien

"More and more members of Congress are calling for a tax on the huge profits being made by the oil companies. I mean, obscene billions and billions of dollars, and, of course, Congress is very angry about this because while the oil company profits are up, their bribes are remaining flat." --Jay Leno

"The White House, for the first time, didn't open the door for trick-or-treaters last night. It's not terrorism, they're just worried that someone will come to the door with a subpoena." --Jay Leno

"Cheney said he accepted Scooter Libby's resignation with a heavy heart that was also clogged and defective." --Jay Leno

"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

"Three kids came to my house dressed as Bush, Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. I gave them some candy and they just kept standing there. I said, 'Okay, you can go,' and they said 'Oh, we can't, we don't have an exit strategy,' so they're still there at the house." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back." --Jay Leno

"As you know, over the weekend, people at the White House set their clocks back to Watergate. No, setting the clocks back, means the nights are getting longer. Boy, more bad news for Scooter Libby." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Oct. 23-29

"Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By the way, his real name is not Scooter. It's I. Lewis Libby, which will come in handy when he has to say "I Lewis Libby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth.'"  --Bill Maher

"This is a blow to Cheney. He is Cheney's Cheney. They say he could finish Cheney sentences, and now he's going to at Leavenworth." --Bill Maher

"They say these two are very close, Libby and Cheney. They say Cheney thought of him as a second lesbian daughter." --Bill Maher

"If convicted Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 4 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless." --Tina Fey

"A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey

"Shocking many on Thursday, the Religious Right participated in a second-term abortion." --Amy Poehler, on Harriet Miers' withdrawal of her Supreme Court nomination

"Karl Rove was not indicted. I don't want to say he's close, but next week he's on the cover of my favorite magaize, Barely Legal." --Bill Maher

"The White House has a plan in case other indictments are handed down. They're going to be delivered by FEMA." --Bill Maher

"Harriet Miers submitted her resignation letter, the first and only document she's released in the entire nomination process" --Jon Stewart

"As a lawyer, Harriet Miers broke the glass ceiling. Now, as the first woman ever to withdraw from a nomination to the Supreme Court, she's shattered the glass basement as well." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

"Last night's game was the longest game in World Series history. It lasted 5 hours and 41 minutes. And as it dragged on and on and on, I began to think it was something George Bush had gotten us into." --David Letterman

"Ben Bernanke is going to replace [Alan Greenspan]. ... Apparently George Bush is trying out a new strategy, qualified people." --David Letterman

"The White House remains steadfast. They said they will absolutely not withdraw Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court. You know what that means? She'll be out of there in a week." --David Letterman

"Apparently Dick Cheney has been giving pep talks to the White House staff. Boy, when you think pep, you think Dick Cheney, dontcha?" --David Letterman

"Ben Bernanke will be taking Alan Greenspan's place. People say he's a lot like Greenspan, except not as exciting." --David Letterman

"Tom Delay had his mug shot taken. Did you see the picture? He has his hair dyed, teeth caped, eyebrows lifted - for a minute they thought they arrested Regis." --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of Oct. 16-22

"The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

"Morale is so bad at the White House that Dick Cheney has been giving pep talks. Yeah, you know it's bad when Dick Cheney is the most cheerful guy in the room." --Conan O'Brien

"Insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush will not function effectively. Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively?" --David Letterman

"Bush is so exhausted by all these scandals that he is praying for another disaster like a flood or a hurricane so he can kick back and do nothing." --Bill Maher

"Crime is down all over the country. It is down in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact, today, Tom DeLay was just laundering clothing." --David Letterman

"Tom DeLay's mug shot was released on Thursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown a bag of kittens." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush is taking an active role in the Saddam Hussein trial. Today he appointed an unqualified judge." --David Letterman

"Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger is not happy with President Bush for visiting this close to the special election coming up, did you hear about this? Apparently they had words with each other, but between Bush's english and Arnold's accent, no one could understand what they said." --Jay Leno

"They say Saddam is delusional. He still thinks he's president and gives speeches standing next to his bed at night. No, wait, that's Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic, with sustained winds at 175 miles per hour. Or, as it's called around FEMA, casual friday." --Tina Fey

"U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week. Bono urged the president to help the world's poor. Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher." --Tina Fey

"Yesterday, a Republican senator from New Hampshire, a guy named Judd Gregg, announced that he won $850,000 in the PowerBall lottery. Then he immediately called for more tax cuts for the rich. Actually, you can tell he's a Republican. He said he would take some of the $850,000 he won and buy guns for the homeless." --Jay Leno

"At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like Bush." --David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein's trial began today, and during the proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself. Luckily, everyone recognized him from that time he ran the country for 25 years. The trial was televised live throughout Iraq. Yeah, Iraqis were glued to their TV sets, mainly because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets." --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam's trial, the TV event of the year. It's like the Oscars, but with atrocities." --Stephen Colbert

"Saddam Hussein went on trial today. See, I didn't even know he worked in the Bush White House." --Jay Leno

"There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet Miers is refusing to take his phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Give you an idea about how bad George Bush's approval rating is, more people approve of the job I'm doing. And you know, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, this is a strange, fascinating woman. This woman refuses to talk about herself. Will not talk about herself, and I'm thinking to myself, hell, where do I find a woman like that?" --David Letterman

"US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney might resign. Who's going to be president now?" --Jay Leno

"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all." --David Letterman

"You know Saddam Hussein goes on trial tomorrow, he's on trial. He's accused of 143 murders. But Saddam did get a break today when the prosecution dropped the two counts of stealing satellite TV." --David Letterman

"Saddam is the first ruthless cold blooded dictator to be on trial since…that’s right, Martha Stewart." --David Letterman

"Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff announced he planned to expel every illegal immigrant in the United States. Boy, more bad news for the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's right. That's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. It's an enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on Osama bin Laden's aromatherapist." --David Letterman

"Here's a reminder to Iraq: The crooked voting machines are due back in Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend at one of the games, Houston and St. Louis, one of the camera men caught former President Bush and his wife Barbara Bush kissing. You know, by god, you know you're at a dull game when you'd rather make out with Barbara Bush." --David Letterman

"Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest polls, just 39% of Americans approve of the job Bush is doing. The White House is jumping on this 39% thing, they're saying he's now the president who represents minorities." --Jay Leno

"For a contribution of $2500 you can sit next to Hillary Clinton at a U2 concert. What could be more fun than going to a rock concert with Hillary Clinton, except maybe going to a disco with Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"The first baby has been born in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, they named it FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has declared a War on Pornography. Boy, I can't wait for those playing cards to come out. Hey, I got the Queen of Spades!" --Jay Leno

"We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers." --Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report"

"For all the talk about 'Desperate Housewives' and 'Lost,' I still say the White House is the best scripted drama on television. That new show 'Commander in Chief?' Total ripoff. Move over, Geena Davis. This time a man will still be President. ... For me and my fellow White House fans, or 'Whities,' it isn't just a show. I mean, we live or die with these characters. Like on season three, when the President, George W. Bush, a competitive ex-alcoholic with a Texas twang lands a jet on an aircraft carrier and yells 'Mission Accomplished,' that's great TV!" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Jokes for the Week of Oct. 9-15

"As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House. They tried to have a live conversation with the troops yesterday. Troops in Iraq on satellite, Bush at the White House, it was supposed to look like an impromptu Q and A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines. Boy that's the Bush military for you. No gays but plenty of choreographers." --Bill Maher

"The White House adamantly denied the troops had been rehearsed. Scott McClellan said, 'No script, no plan. Just like everything else we do in Iraq.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

"You know what you call a Republican with only 2 percent of the black vote? A Republican." --Jay Leno

"Former Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has taken a job on Wall Street. He's with a prestigious private investment firm on Wall Street. Remember him, John Edwards? He's the guy always taking about two Americas? Well, I guess we know which America he picked." --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy said even if Hillary Clinton runs for presidnet, he will still support John Kerry for the Democratic nomination in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry -- you know what they say, two giant heads are better than one." --Jay Leno

"Important weekend this weekend, Iraqi citizens will vote to approve their new constitution. Yeah, it's important because if they vote to reject the constitution, the country could erupt in violence. If they vote to approve the constitution, the country could erupt in violence." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, you can sure tell it's fall. Down in Washington, D.C. yesterday, Tom DeLay was in his front yard raking indictments." --David Letterman

"North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill." --David Letterman

"The Million Man March was 10 years ago, and tomorrow, they're going to do it again. By tomorrow, there may be a million black men down the road from the White House. And Bush thought Cindy Sheehan was scary." --Bill Maher

"No, the president not doing well. His approval rating among blacks is at 2%. That's somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and Sickle Cell Anemia." --Bill Maher

"Pakistan had one of the worst natural disasters ever, up to 50,000 people dead after an earthquake this week. But of course it's not a resort, no supermodels like the tsunami, so it doesn't really get covered. But other nations are trying to help. They've offered food, medicine, corpse-sniffing dogs. New Orleans sent a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors." --Bill Maher

"You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold Mardi Gras this year come hell or -- no pun -- high water. This is interesting, they've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that this year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong, it hits you about a week later." --Bill Maher

"President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of surprising, a woman without any opinions? That's like a Republican's dream, isn't it?" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small family." --Conan O'Brien

"It was raining so hard down in Washington, D.C., Tom DeLay didn't even have to launder his money." --David Letterman

"In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he'll certainly ask." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers told the New York Times that George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met, which is kind of scary. She only has one known opinion, and that's it." --Jay Leno

"This is what we know about Miers. She's never been married, and she has no known boyfriend. In fact, today President Bush announced a very ambitious plan to put a man on Miers by the year 2010." --Jay Leno

"The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu." --Jay Leno

"In a scathing new book, former FBI chief Louis Freeh criticizes former President Clinton's moral compass. You all remember President Clinton's moral compass, don't you? I believe his moral compass was always pointing north." --Jay Leno

"Last night was the Clintons 30th wedding anniversary. You know what keeps them together -- spite." -Jay Leno

"President Bush and the first lady were on the Today Show building a house for Katrina victims. And before they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans, and he asked if he could keep them because, you know, he's never had a set of plans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter." -Jay Leno

"China has launched two guys into space, were you aware of that? Like this week, two guys from China are flying around in space. Their mission is to visit every planet and leave take out menus. President Bush, who has been accused of lying down on the job, he's not taking these Chinese men in space lightly. In response, President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Harriet Miers." --David Letterman

"Newsweek reports that President Bush likes Harriet Miers because she didn't go to an Ivy League school, she worked hard, and she achieved everything on her own without family help. See, opposites attract" --Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is, she has so few supporters that her nomination will be withdrawn. They think Bush may have to go to the woman who has had more courtroom experience. You know, like Courtney Love." --Jay Leno

"Harriet Miers told the New York Times that President Bush is the smartest man she's ever met, and Dick Cheney's the best athlete she's ever seen." --Jay Leno

"The White House is denying a report from the BBC that President Bush said God told him to invade Iraq. President Bush said that's not true. I invaded Iraq because Batman told me to" --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, there's terrible flooding in New Hampshire. Give you an idea of how white New Hampshire is, FEMA got there in a minute and a half." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson now says all these earthquakes and hurricanes we've been having are indications of the second coming. To which President Bush said why would Santa Claus be coming on Halloween?" --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you've heard this. Earlier, President Bush has promised to rebuild the Yankees at all costs." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the Yankees didn't look that good last night. Harriet Miers watched the games and said, and they call me unqualified." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton was inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, she's still not in Bill Clinton's Women's Hall of Fame. Not even in the top ten" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's top adviser, Karl Rove will soon be testifying for the fourth time before a grand jury at the federal courthouse in Washington this week. President Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is fascinated by all this. She asked Rove, 'What goes on in those federal court houses anyway?'" --Jay Leno

"We don't know a lot about this Harriet Miers, but she said George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met. You know, this chick has got to meet more guys." --Jay Leno

"This Harriet Miers pick for the Supreme Court is turning out to be the most controversial pick involving the Supreme Court since...George Bush. " --David Letterman

"More news on that spy they arrested who was working in Vice President Dick Cheney's office. Turns out he started working at the White House during the Clinton administration. Well, duh. Where do you think he learned how to sneak around without getting caught?" --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Oct. 2-8

"President Bush's top adviser Karl Rove testified before the grand jury for the fourth time this week. Maybe Bush should nominate him for Supreme Court. He's been in more courtrooms then Harriet Miers now." --Jay Leno 

"The Republicans are having their problems. Karl Rove is testifying as I said for the fourth time next week. Tom Delay was indicted for the second time and Bill Frist is being investigated. For a party that hates trial lawyers they sure do hire a lot of them." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans are in trouble. Bill First, the Senate leader, is under investigation, Karl Rove is about to be indicted, Tom DeLay was indicted twice in one week. You almost feel bad for how screwed this guy is, because usually when someone wants to beat this kind of a rap, the person they bribe is Tom DeLay." --Bill Maher

"I think the President is losing it. The BBC is reporting that Bush told a group of Palestinian ministers that God told him to invade Iraq. You see, that's what happens when you mix the New Testament and Old Milwaukee." --Bill Maher

"While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush admitted he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush, 'Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.'" --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Many people are upset with President Bush for nominating Miers to the Supreme Court -- particularly her law partner, Jacoby." --Horatio Sanz, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Bush's number one choice, Harriet Miers issued a statement today saying that she is getting closer and closer to having an opinion on something." --Jay Leno

"The president nominated Harriets Miers, the leaning lady, you know her as TV's Hazel, to be on the Supreme Court. The people around the White House refer to her as Bush's work wife. No, it's platonic, please. There's one he thought she was flashing a little thong. Turned out it was just a cobweb." --Bill Maher

"She's sixty, single, never married, childless, and the former head of the Texas lottery. Sounds to me like she's never handled a ball that didn't have a number on it." --Bill Maher

"It's the religious right that's grumbling about Harriet Miers. Bush is losing his base. There's a new poll out that says white evangelicals, Republican women, southerners and suburban men are losing confidence in Bush. Wow, these are the very people who elected him to stop boys from kissing. He is so desperate to win these people back, he said today that if he had to get another pick on the Supreme Court, he would nominate the tiger that ate half of Siegfried and Roy." --Bill Maher

"A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." --Bill Maher

"With all this going on, it just didn't surprise me this week that we had a sudden 'terror alert.' Sounds to me like another desperate Bush stunt to repair his image. He wanted to knock up Katie Holmes but Laura said no." --Bill Maher

"The former FBI Director Louis Freeh has a new book out. He goes after President Clinton, says that Clinton's closets were full of skeletons. Skeletons? So I guess there were some skinny chicks we didn't know about. It wasn't just chubby interns." --Jay Leno

"The nation's energy chief says it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt." --Amy Poehler

"Did you hear about this spy they found working in the White House. A guy in Vice President Cheney's security detail was allegedly passing U.S. secrets to foreign govenrments. And Karl Rove was furious. He said, 'Leaking secrets, that's my job.'" --Jay Leno

"A former Marine was arrested for allegedly stealing intelligence memos from the White House. How about that? The guy would get into the White House and steal intelligence memos, and I thought, well, at least someone's reading those memos." --David Letterman

"No, it's a real mystery, no one knows how he got into the White House, no one knows how he managed to stay in there so long ... oh, no, wait, that's George Bush, I got confused." --David Letterman

"Interesting woman this Harriet Miers. She used to be a Democrat, and then she found God and became a Republican. Which is kind of backwards, because usually in Washingotn you become a Republican, get indicted, go to jail, then you find God." --Jay Leno

"They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue because of a suspicious package, did you hear about that? Turns out it was just a big bag of laundered money for Tom DeLay." --David Letterman

"Al Gore was speaking at a pep rally in Central Park. Because when you think pep, you think Al Gore. I have to be careful about this, because Al Gore is, uh, not a dynamic speaker. Halfway through his speech, squirrels were climbing on him." --David Letterman

"Al Gore gave a fiery speech today claiming that American democracy was in grave danger ... and then his wife said 'Al, just pay the pizza guy and let's eat.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of conservative Republicans say they are very upset about President Bush's choice of Harriet Miers. They say she has no experience, she doesn't know anything about constitutional law, and she's never shown any interest in it. Where were these people with the high standards when they nominated Bush to be president?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush tried to reassure conservative that Harriet Miers was the best choice for the Supreme Court. He said twenty years from now she'll be the same person she was today. Twenty years ago she was a Democrat, and Catholic." --Jay Leno

"Some conservatives are upset with President Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers because she donated $1,000 to Al Gore's campaign in 1988. In response she said, Come on, we all did embarrassing things in the '80s." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush, out defending his Supreme Court nominee today. Bush said Miers has a good heart. Well, yeah, compared to Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A lot of Republicans are baffled by this choice. You can't really blame them. I mean, think about it. We have a more rigorous selection process on 'The Apprentice' than we do on the Supreme Court. At least let her get grilled by Trump." --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is retiring. President Bush has already launched a search for the most inexperienced, incompetent candidate he can find. No, they'll find a replacement for Greenspan as soon as they figure out what the hell it is he does" --David Letterman

"'Commander In Chief' over there on ABC was one of the highest rated shows. It's about the first female president of the United States. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls it, a reality show. Or, as Republicans call it, 'Fear Factor.'" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush will appear on an upcoming episode of 'Extreme Makeover.' Tom DeLay will be on 'Cops.'" --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby -- who's won the cutest name for an architect of war award five years running -- personally released her from her confidentiality agreement. And for those of you uncomfortable with the cozy relationship between the administration and the press, take heart at Libby's letter to Miller, a stern shot across her bow: Quote, 'Out west, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work -- and life.' Wow, it's as though he thinks they're all in this together. For his efforts, Miller was released from jail, and Libby received a D- from his sophomore creative writing professor." --Jon Stewart, on New York Times reporter Judith Miller and Dick Cheney's chief of staff, Scotter Libby

"The latest political rumor, North Korea ruler Kim Jong Il is close to naming his successor. Yeah, he said the only person with glasses big enough to replace me is Nicole Richie." --Conan O'Brien

"Do you see each other now and is it like if you had a gay experience at camp when you were nine?" --Jon Stewart, to John Edwards, on John Kerry

"She's never been a judge before, never served on the bench. This is part of President Bush's strategy of surrounding himself with people who are also in over their heads." --Jay Leno, on Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers

"Big news this morning at the White House, President Bush defended his nominee, Harriet Miers, calling her 'Plenty bright.' Yeah, not only that, but then the president said Miers has 'real purdy hair.' Then he got on a mule and headed south." --Conan O'Brien