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| 2005 Late-Night Joke Archive | Email This Page to a Friend | |||||||||||||||||||
See Also: Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Jokes for the Weeks of Dec. 18-31 "President
Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas
cards to friends this year did not say 'Merry Christmas." Instead they
said, 'Sorry about the indictment.'" --Conan O'Brien "I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on
the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been
sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or
good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency."
--Jay Leno "Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Dec. 11-17 "Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey "President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes." --Jay Leno "A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was
arrested for bank robbery. Guy's a congressional press secretary, police
said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd.
Yeah, Congress." --Jay Leno "Several right-wing groups say they might boycott the Ford Motor Company because they continue to advertise in gay magazines. In a related story, most Americans plan to boycott Ford because they make Fords." --Conan O'Brien "The general election's taking place today in
Iraq, so I guess
that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years."
--David Letterman "President Bush
spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't
be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too.
That's how he got elected." --Jay Leno "You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating." --Jay Leno "It was so cold in Washington, Tom DeLay was wearing an extra layer of bribe money." --Jay Leno "During an interview yesterday,
President Bush
said 'You can call me anything you want, but don't call me a racist.'
Brian Williams responded: 'Whatever you want, Dumbass.'" --Conan O'Brien "Say what you will about
George Bush,
but at least his interns are only licking the envelopes." --David
Letterman, on Bush sending out 1.4 million Christmas cards Jokes for the Week of Dec. 4-10 "While speaking in North Carolina this week,
President Bush
said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also,
the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if
you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey "The White House has publicly denied reports that first daughter Barbara Bush is engaged. They said, if and when she does get engaged they will announce it in the traditional way of leaking it to Time magazine." --Jay Leno "In the trial of Saddam Hussein on Tuesday, witnesses emotionally testified about the abuse the former dictator inflicted on them. Afterward, a tearful Saddam said, 'Ah, good times.'" --Amy Poehler "The city of Detroit is in the middle of a recount to determine who won the mayor's race. Surprisingly, both candidates are claiming the other guy won." --Conan O'Brien "For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a
tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sound's like a Republican's
worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a
lot of oil?" --Jay Leno "President Bush
is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't
have the word 'Christmas' in them. In response, President Bush said, 'You
try spelling it.'" --Conan O'Brien "In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense
Donald
Rumsfeld criticized the media for casting the war in Iraq in a
negative light. Yeah, he said they should focus on the light-hearted and
fun aspects of the war." --Conan O'Brien "One of the things
Saddam is upset
about, and complained about in court, is that he has been wearing the same
pair of underwear for three days. He's lucky he's not in Abu Graib, he
would be wearing them on his head. Isn't it bad form for a ruthless
dictator to complain about his underwear?" --Jimmy Kimmel "In Texas,
President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to
serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can't even get out of jury
duty." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Nov. 27-Dec. 3 "A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking
binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study
is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey "Down in Washington they lit
the Christmas tree. President Bush pulled the
switch and the tree lit up. Since that was successful they're thinking
about trying the same thing with
Dick Cheney."
--David Letterman "Secretary of State
Condoleezza
Rice has defended the White House position on detainees by saying,
'with terrorists, you can lock someone up even before they commit a
crime.' How about trying this with Congressmen? Why don't we try this some
time?" --Jay Leno "Sen. Hillary
Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq
next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a
president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary
Clinton." --Jay Leno "California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after
admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's
kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician
is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook." --Jay Leno "California Congressman Randy Duke Cunningham resigned yesterday after he
admitted to taking $2.4 million in bribes. Of course his resignation was a
big shock. Especially to the companies who bribed him. 'What? We spent all
that money and he quit. What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno "During his trial yesterday, this is the latest, Saddam Hussein spent part
of his time writting a poem. Apparently he kept interrupting the judge to
ask what rhymes with 'spider hole.'" --Conan O'Brien "A chunk of marble fell off the facade of the
Supreme Court
building. Just fell off, boom. Engineers believe it may have fallen off
because the building was leaning a little too far to the right. ... Here's
the sad part, it didn't hit one lawyer." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Nov. 20-26 "President Bush
is on another six-day vacation at his Texas ranch. He wanted to come back
today but he couldn't figure out how to
work that door."
--Jay Leno "Earlier today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Here's an interesting fact. Do you know how they pick the turkey to give the presidential pardon to? They see which one gave the most money to Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno "Thanksgiving is almost here. Today President
Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Dick Cheney however wanted to
torture it." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush
had an embarrassing moment after holding a press conference in China, did you
see this on the news? He tried to leave the room, but the doors were
locked. Once again, no exit strategy." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Nov. 13-19 "According to the latest poll, a majority of Americans think
President Bush
and Vice
President Dick Cheney are not telling the truth. How ironic is that?
You ever think you'd see the day where you missed the honesty of Bill
Clinton." --Jay Leno "President Bush is planning on spending Thanksgiving out at his ranch in Crawford. And you know how he always pardons the White House turkey? Bad news for the turkey: There are three cabinet members ahead of him." -- Jay Leno "George Bush's brother Jeb, who is the governor of Florida, says he wants to be president. And you can't blame him. Right now the Bush name is magic." --David Letterman "For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress -- Republicans! -- are demanding to know the president's exit strategy from Iraq. Yeah, in response the president said I have an exit strategy, I'm leaving office in 2008." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien "According to the Pentagon, Iraq detained 83,000 terror suspects, enough to fill a football stadium. You know what you call a football stadium filled with terrorists in this country? Oakland Raiders' games." --Jay Leno "Florida Gov.
Jeb Bush
says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to
pardon his brother." --David Letterman "Congress today asked the president to
give them updates on Iraq, and I can only say, that isn't happening?
Maybe, uh, you guys suck worse than I thought." --Jon Stewart "Jeb Bush
now says he would like to be president, and I think I speak for all
Americans when I say, 'When can you start, Jeb?'" --David Letterman "According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney is in town.
He has been squeezing in as many fundraisers as possible before his
indictment." --David Letterman "Bill Clinton and Hillary in Israel tonight. That's what the Mideast needs, two more people who are fighting over there." --Jay Leno "In Michigan, an 18-year-old high school student was elected mayor, ousted a 51-year-old incumbent. An 18-year-old replacing a 51-year-old. In Beverly Hills, that's called a second marriage." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Nov. 6-12 "President Bush
on Monday defended U.S. interrogation of terrorists, saying 'We do not
torture.' He added, 'We freedom electrocute.'" --Amy Poehler on "Saturday
Night Live" "President Bush gave Muhammad Ali the Medal of Freedom yesterday. It was a little sad- it was hard to understand him, he didn’t make any sense. But Muhammad was patient and tired to help President Bush finish." --Jay Leno "The price of gas is down for the 5th straight week. President Bush has called an emergency cabinet meeting to find out what the hell went wrong." --Jay Leno "As of today former FEMA Director Michael Brown is finally off the government payroll. That’s how slow FEMA is – they can’t even fire someone fast." --Jay Leno "President Bush met with the Dalai Lama. I don't think President Bush
really knew who the Dalai Lama was. He kept praising him for his fine work
in the 'Karate Kid' movies." --Jay Leno "There's now talk that either Warren Beatty or Rob
Reiner will run against
Arnold
Schwarzenegger for governor. That gives Californians a real choice:
Romantic lead, sitcom star or action hero." --Jay Leno "As you know, it rained last night on
Gov.
Schwarzenegger's parade. ... I don't think a politician has heard 'no'
this many times since Bill tried to get into Hillary's bedroom." --Jay
Leno "Well, while all this is going on, all these indictments, President Bush has now ordered everyone in the White House to attend ethics classes. Woo, not a moment too soon on that one. Now, you thought FEMA was late? --Jay Leno "That President Bush, I'm telling you I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. His approval rating is at an all-time low, 35%. For the first time, it's actually lower than his grades at Yale." --David Letterman "Today is Election Day, did everyone vote today? It's very
important to New Yorkers -- we're one step closer to self-rule." --David
Letterman "Not looking good for
President Bush's popularity. He's now at 35%. If he drops just three
more points, he becomes a Democrat." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Oct. 30-Nov. 5 "President Bush was greeted by ten thousand demonstrators screaming 'get out Bush, get out Bush.' And that was here at the airport before he left." --Jay Leno, on Bush's trip to Argentina "The president's trip to
Argentina has ended badly: He's coming back. His visit there in Argentina
was greeted as expected. There were thousands of people rioting, flipping
over cars, smashing store fronts, signs saying Bush go home, which is
nothing compared to what would have happened if he had shown up in Detroit
at Rosa Parks' funeral. Yeah, he didn't go to that, because he's about as
popular with black people as a chicken that just sneezed." --Bill Maher "President Bush is in South America. When he landed, he said 'Oh my
god, John
Edwards was right, there ARE two Americas!'" --Jay Leno "What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House? ...Pardon me." --Jay Leno "Outside the courthouse, Libby's lawyer said all he wants to do is
clear his client's good name. I don't know, Scooter? Is that a good name?"
--Jay Leno "Senator Chuck Grassley has written to the oil companies asking them to
donate a portion of their nearly hundred billion dollar oil profits to
help low income people buy heat this winter. The oil companies responded
by offering millions of dollars to someone to run against Grassley in the
next
primary." --Jay Leno "Now, the Democrats feel that they're only three or four more empty
gestures away from a complete moral victory." --"Daily Show" correspondent
Ed Helms, on the Senate's closed-session "According to the latest poll, if George W. Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. And today George W. Bush said 'Again?'" --Jay Leno "If Judge Alito is confirmed, this is an interesting fact, there would be two sitting Supreme Court justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case of Mullet vs. Backhair." --Conan O'Brien "More and more members of Congress are calling for a tax on the huge
profits being made by the oil companies. I mean, obscene billions and
billions of dollars, and, of course, Congress is very angry about this
because while the oil company profits are up, their bribes are remaining
flat." --Jay Leno "Three kids came to my house dressed as Bush, Cheney and
Condoleezza Rice. I gave them some candy and they just kept standing
there. I said, 'Okay, you can go,' and they said 'Oh, we can't, we don't
have an exit strategy,' so they're still there at the house." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Oct. 23-29 "Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By the way,
his real name is not Scooter. It's I. Lewis Libby, which will come in
handy when he has to say "I Lewis Libby swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth.'" --Bill Maher
"A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a
poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode
dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey "Harriet Miers submitted her resignation letter, the first and only
document she's released in the entire nomination process" --Jon Stewart "Last night's game was the longest game in World Series history. It lasted
5 hours and 41 minutes. And as it dragged on and on and on, I began to
think it was something George Bush had gotten us into." --David Letterman "Tom Delay had his mug shot taken. Did you see the picture? He has his hair dyed, teeth caped, eyebrows lifted - for a minute they thought they arrested Regis." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Oct. 16-22 "The big story from Washington today is that
President Bush
may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that
President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone
to believe that one." --Jay Leno "At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks
aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and
defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like
Bush." --David Letterman "Saddam Hussein
went on trial today. See, I didn't even know he worked in the Bush White
House." --Jay Leno "As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number
ever. It's gotten so bad that even
Harriet Miers
is refusing to take his phone calls." --Jay Leno "US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are
flying Vice President
Dick Cheney
might resign. Who's going to be president now?" --Jay Leno "Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's
right. That's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. It's an
enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on
Osama bin
Laden's aromatherapist." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Oct. 9-15 "As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House. They tried to
have a live conversation with the troops yesterday. Troops in Iraq on
satellite, Bush at the White House, it was supposed to look like an
impromptu Q and A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were
rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines. Boy that's the Bush
military for you. No gays but plenty of choreographers." --Bill Maher "President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of surprising, a woman without any opinions? That's like a Republican's dream, isn't it?" --Jay Leno "According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small family." --Conan O'Brien "It was raining so hard down in Washington, D.C., Tom DeLay didn't even have to launder his money." --David Letterman "In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he'll certainly ask." --Jay Leno "Supreme Court nominee
Harriet Miers
told the New York Times that George Bush was the most brilliant man
she ever met, which is kind of scary. She only has one known opinion, and
that's it." --Jay Leno "The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu." --Jay Leno "In a scathing new book, former FBI chief Louis Freeh criticizes former President Clinton's moral compass. You all remember President Clinton's moral compass, don't you? I believe his moral compass was always pointing north." --Jay Leno "Last night was the Clintons 30th wedding anniversary. You know what keeps them together -- spite." -Jay Leno "President Bush and the first lady were on the Today Show building a house for Katrina victims. And before they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans, and he asked if he could keep them because, you know, he's never had a set of plans." --Jay Leno "President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter." -Jay Leno "China has launched two guys into space, were you aware of that? Like this week, two guys from China are flying around in space. Their mission is to visit every planet and leave take out menus. President Bush, who has been accused of lying down on the job, he's not taking these Chinese men in space lightly. In response, President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Harriet Miers." --David Letterman "Newsweek reports that President Bush likes Harriet Miers because she didn't go to an Ivy League school, she worked hard, and she achieved everything on her own without family help. See, opposites attract" --Jay Leno "The latest rumor is, she has so few supporters that her nomination will be withdrawn. They think Bush may have to go to the woman who has had more courtroom experience. You know, like Courtney Love." --Jay Leno "Harriet Miers told the New York Times that President Bush is the smartest man she's ever met, and Dick Cheney's the best athlete she's ever seen." --Jay Leno "The White House is denying a report from the BBC that President Bush said God told him to invade Iraq. President Bush said that's not true. I invaded Iraq because Batman told me to" --Conan O'Brien "As you know, there's terrible flooding in New Hampshire. Give you an idea of how white New Hampshire is, FEMA got there in a minute and a half." --Jay Leno "Pat Robertson now says all these earthquakes and hurricanes we've been having are indications of the second coming. To which President Bush said why would Santa Claus be coming on Halloween?" --Jay Leno "I don't know if you've heard this. Earlier, President Bush has promised to rebuild the Yankees at all costs." --David Letterman "Yeah, the Yankees didn't look that good last night. Harriet Miers watched the games and said, and they call me unqualified." --David Letterman "Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton was inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, she's still not in Bill Clinton's Women's Hall of Fame. Not even in the top ten" --Jay Leno "President Bush's top adviser, Karl Rove will soon be testifying for the fourth time before a grand jury at the federal courthouse in Washington this week. President Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is fascinated by all this. She asked Rove, 'What goes on in those federal court houses anyway?'" --Jay Leno "We don't know a lot about this Harriet Miers, but she said George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met. You know, this chick has got to meet more guys." --Jay Leno "This Harriet Miers pick for the
Supreme Court
is turning out to be the most controversial pick involving the Supreme
Court since...George
Bush. " --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Oct. 2-8 "A
former Marine was arrested for allegedly stealing intelligence memos from
the White House. How about that? The guy would get into the White House
and steal intelligence memos, and I thought, well, at least someone's
reading those memos." --David Letterman "They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue because of a suspicious package,
did you hear about that? Turns out it was just a big bag of laundered
money for Tom DeLay."
--David Letterman "A lot of conservative Republicans say they are very upset about President
Bush's choice of
Harriet Miers.
They say she has no experience, she doesn't know anything about
constitutional law, and she's never shown any interest in it. Where were
these people with the high standards when they nominated Bush to be
president?" --Jay Leno
"Records show (Miers) gave money to
Al Gore's campaign,
and she also called President Bush the most brilliant man she ever met. And
this is the woman we're hiring for her judgment?" --Jay Leno
"Big news this morning at the White House, President Bush defended his
nominee, Harriet Miers, calling her 'Plenty bright.' Yeah, not only that,
but then the president said Miers has 'real purdy hair.' Then he got on a
mule and headed south." --Conan O'Brien
"Welcome to the 'Late Show,' ladies and gentlemen. It's like the
Supreme Court,
anyone can get in here." --David Letterman
"We're learning more and more about
Tom Delay. ... He
was nicknamed, 'Hot Tub Tom,' got kicked out of Baylor for drinking and ...
became a wild party animal who drank 10 martinis a night, or as they call it
in Washington, a Kennedy." --Jay Leno
"Don't kid yourself, this is serious. If convicted, Tom DeLay could end up
with his own TV show. Two indictments in two weeks. See, this is something
that could give Congress a bad name." --David Letterman
"As you might expect some people are criticizing the pick, especially conservative Republicans who worry that Harriet Miers is too liberal. Other critics say she's not a good pick because she hasn't been a judge before. Uh, had Paula Abdul been a judge before? Nobody had a problem when they picked her." --Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush chose Harriet Miers to be his next nominee to the
Supreme Court.
You know what we know about Harriet Miers? Her name is Harriet Miers." --Jay
Leno "Last week,
former Education Secretary Bill Bennett made some
insensitive
racial comments. I'm sure you all heard what he said. And the White House
called the comments not appropriate. They want to make sure we know the
government doesn't insult black people. It ignores them, but it doesn't insult
them." --Jay Leno "President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so." --Daily Show commentator Lewis Black Jokes for the Week of Sept. 26-Oct. 1 "According to the National Enquirer, President Bush has started drinking again. You know, I feel sorry for Barbara Bush, the mother. Her son's hitting the bottle, her husband's hanging around with Bill Clinton, she's the one who should be drinking." --Jay Leno
"A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President
Dick Cheney's
recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations. You know what that means?
He's still alive." --Jay Leno
"In the wake of newly-alleged prisoner abuse this week, Senator John McCain
said that continued mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners is hurting the nation's
image. Also hurting the nation's image: letting people drown when it rains."
--Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Today the New York Times reported that Judith Miller was released from jail. They had to release her to make room for Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno
"After a long investigation, authorities now believe they know how the fire
got started. They believe it was started by Bill Bennett at a cross burning."
--Jay Leno
"Did you know a phone center in India has been handling all the calls from the
hurricane victims in Texas? The calls are routed through India. And here's the
sad part. People in India still responded faster than FEMA." --Jay Leno
"Over in the Middle East, according to the L.A. Times, with three
weeks before his trial starts,
Saddam Hussein's
defense is in chaos. Saddam's new strategy -- he's going to blame everything
on state and local governments." --Jay Leno
"In a speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas
by stopping non-essential travel. Then the president flew to Hawaii to make
the same speech." --Conan O'Brien
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'" --Conan O'Brien "Bush is now asking people to conserve gasoline. That's gotta be tough for a former oil man like Bush. Telling people not to use gasoline? That's like Clinton trying to get women to just say no." --Jay Leno "You know I'm not sure that President Bush really understands some of these energy issues. Like today, reporters asked him about alternative fuels, and he said, 'This is not a gay issue.'" --Jay Leno "John Roberts was sworn in today as chief justice of the Supreme Court, and they said he might get a license plate for a limo that reads 'Chief Justice 1.' And it could be made by Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno "Have you heard this rumor that President Bush could be drinking again? Yeah, the way things are going for this administration, I'm surprised that Betty Ford's not drinking again." --Jay Leno "As you may have heard, Anna Nicole Smith is now taking her case to the United States Supreme Court. She's now claiming she married Judge William Rehnquist just hours before he passed away." --Jay Leno "President Bush is about to nominate another judge for the Supreme Court. Republicans say he has it narrowed down to about 12 people. Or as Bush says, 'All my fingers and two toes.'" --Conan O'Brien "Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader
Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most
embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday." --Jay Leno "I was impressed by his willingness to accept
responsibility for how incompetent everyone else was. He candidly admitted -- he
was too trusting, too able, too over-skilled to deal with all the retards around
him. Overall, Jon, a heart-felt and stirring You-a culpa" --"Daily Show"
correspondent Rob Corddry, on Michael Brown's testimony before Congress "John Kerry said he was never clear about where John Roberts stood on the issues and for that reason he's not voting for him. That's the same reason Roberts didn’t vote for Kerry." --Jay Leno "Warren Beatty is considering running for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wouldn't that be fantastic, two actors running for governor? Now if we could just get Gary Coleman back in the race, we'd have "Two and a Half Men." --Jay Leno "A lot of people think global warming is causing these terrible hurricanes. See I think to stop global warming we should move in the other direction. We should move towards a second ice age. Follow me, if the glaciers are coming towards us at like an inch a year, then the government would have time to respond." --Jay Leno "The National Enquirer says that president Bush has started drinking again. You thought he was falling off his bicycle before. Are you worried that President Bush might be drinking again? Why? Let's say he is drinking. It'd be hard to screw up more than we have already." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton
has announced she's going to vote no, she's voting no on the nomination of
Judge
John Roberts for Supreme Court chief justice. Today, Bill Clinton pulled
Roberts aside and said, 'Don't worry, I get no from her all the time'" --Jay
Leno
"In an announcement today President Bush said all federal workers should travel less to save fuel. He decided on this in Texas, right before he flew to Colorado then back to Washington to prepare for tomorrow's trip back to Texas." --Jay Leno
"Hurricane Rita was not as bad for Texas as people thought it was going to be.
In fact, Enron did
more damage to Houston than Hurricane Rita." --Jay Leno
"We begin with Hurricane Rita, which proved the old rule that no matter how
anticipated, sequels are always less compelling than the original. ... Rita, I
feel, was the Ghostbusters II of hurricanes." --Jon Stewart
"The government's response to Hurricane Rita was relatively smooth, especially when you consider that the response to Hurricane Katrina was littered with faux pas. Or, as President Bush prefers to call them 'freedom pas'" --Jon Stewart "Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis, and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls. But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from Celine Dion." --Jay Leno "President Bush has asked the FBI to start an anti-obscenity task force to the fight the war against pornography. ... Bush said he's serious about this war on pornography. He said he will seek out and find all weapons of mass -- turbation." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Sept. 18-24 "Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno "Hurricane Rita is supposed to make landfall in Texas, which is good for Barbara Bush because she can insult survivors closer to home." --Bill Maher "California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger running for re-election. Except this time, instead of running as a mediocre actor, he'll be running as a mediocre governor. And, speaking of things like that, Iraqis will have the chance to vote on their new constitution. They'll have the option of voting yes, or blowing something up." --David Letterman "The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm, and while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge." --Bill Maher "It's actually a procedure to correct an aneurysm behind Cheney's knee. Boy, you know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack on your knee. But the Vice President feels good about it. He's surrounded by loved ones, his wife Lynne and Halliburton." --Bill Maher "Forbes this week came out with a list of the 400 richest Americans, or as we call it, the Bush Cabinet." --Jay Leno "In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.' In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday the Texas Air National Guard was recalled from Louisiana.
President Bush said these brave men and women should be commended for all the
work they do. Of course, Bush didn't know firsthand knowledge of what it was the
Air National Guard actually does, but he heard it was important." --Jay Leno "Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'" --David Letterman "Now here's surprising and sad news coming out of Iraq. According to reports, Iraqi officials have embezzled $1.2 billion in Pentagon money. $1.2 billion. And Halliburton, when they heard about this, they said hey! Hey! We were going to embezzle that money. That's our money." --David Letterman "It was announced today that the FBI is recruiting agents for an anti-obscenity task force. The FBI said they'll divert agents from other areas to fight a war on pornography, or as President Bush is calling them, weapons of mass erections. Let me ask you something. A war on pornography? Did I miss something? Did we catch bin Laden?" --Jay Leno "President Bush said that he wants to put a man on the moon by the year 2018. Why are we going to the moon? Didn't he say just last month that we were going to Mars? See, that shows you how expensive gas is -- we can only go halfway now. Sorry kid, you're just going to the Moon again this year -- the Mars thing is out." --Jay Leno "Over the weekend, North Korea, seen here in parade form, stunned the world by agreeing to end its nuclear weapons program in exchange for a White House pledge not to invade them. The surprise breakthrough in the talks made banner headlines -- until the next day when unfortunately North Korea backed out and vowed to keep its weapons until Washington gave it a nuclear reactor. Now I understand that Kim Jong Il enjoys Western entertainment, so, on the off chance that he may be watching this program, I would like to take a moment to address the dear leader. ... Listen f---head, you got the Bush administration to promise not to attack you. Don't blow that. Mexico can't even get that. Every day, Canadians check the map to make sure we didn't move the border on them overnight. We're bad-ass, baby" --Jon Stewart "Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy." --Jay Leno "Bill Clinton said he doesn't know if his wife Hillary will vote for Judge Roberts...but if he sees her in the next year or so he'll bring it up." --Jay Leno "According to reports now, Iraqi officials have embezzled over one billion dollars. One billion dollars! So apparently they really do have a U.S.-style democracy." --David Letterman "Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House." --Conan O'Brien "It's still unclear exactly how much federal money will be needed to help the Gulf Coast recover, but this week's Newsweek puts the price tag at $200 billion, which, coincidentally, is what the war in Iraq has cost so far. Hey, can you tell me which one we've already spent the money on? I can't tell." --Jon Stewart "The president believes the government should be limited not in size, Jon, but in effectiveness. In terms of effectiveness, this is the most limited government we've ever had." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry "Hurricane Rita, hitting Florida, and this time President
Bush is not screwing around. He is not taking any chances. Earlier today,
President Bush sprang into action and evacuated all the crooked voting machines
out of Florida." --David Letterman "The big question, what's going to get dried out first, New Orleans or Gov. Jeb Bush's son? You hear about this? President Bush's nephew, John Ellis Bush, who is Jeb Bush's son, was arrested for public drunkenness and resisting arrest. Apparently the family's concerned that this behavior will hurt his chances of having a political career. But it didn't hurt Uncle George" --Jay Leno "One really embarrassing moment from the Emmys when William Shatner had to be evacuated from the buffet. I don't want to say the show was a disaster, but former Presidents Clinton and Bush showed up today." --David Letterman "In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet." --Jay Leno "Martha Stewart is with us tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon baller." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Sept. 11-17 "Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier." --Bill Maher "The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?'" --Bill Maher "He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." --Bill Maher, on Bush "It's interesting, some analysts said the most striking thing about President Bush's speech last night was the fact that he didn't name someone to be in charge of the reconstruction. See, if Bush was smart, put Clinton in charge. Think about it. I mean if you want women flashing their breasts by Mardi Gras, Clinton is the guy to do it." --Jay Leno "If there's one person who felt the pain of what's going on down there and commemorated the victims of Katrina more than anyone else, it's Judge John Roberts, because he observed an entire week of silence." --Bill Maher, on John Roberts' confirmation hearings "It was an interesting birth. Her water broke and it took FEMA three days to respond." --Bill Maher, on Britney Spears' baby "President Bush spoke to the nation from historic Jackson Square in New Orleans. Did you see this speech? He wasn't wearing a tie, he wasn't wearing a jacket. See they took all that stuff away from him. Apparently his approval ratings are so low they have him on a suicide watch." --Jay Leno "He also called the rebuilding of New Orleans one of the largest reconstruction efforts the world has ever seen, second only to Cher." --Jay Leno "This is a note President Bush wrote to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. They were at a Security Council meeting in New York...It says: 'I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?' I didn't even know he was potty trained. At least he asked. Clinton would have just whipped it out right there." --Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush has taken personal responsibility for this failed
response of FEMA. He also hinted that he might have had something to do with the
war in Iraq too."
--Jay Leno "A lot of celebrities are helping the victims of Hurricane
Katrina. Shaquille O'Neal gave money and donated several pairs of his
autographed sneakers. Today, those sneakers are being used as kayaks to rescue
people." --Jay Leno "To his credit, President Bush took some of the blame for the slow relief effort of Hurricane Katrina. In fact, he said this is probably why he is not going to run for a third term." --Jay Leno "President Bush spoke tonight to the nation about the problems with the relief effort. And afterwards, Kanye West gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno "Arnold Schwarzenegger will announce tomorrow whether he plans to run for a second term. Or as he calls it - a sequel. I think it’s good news if he decides to run. You know that he's not planning to go back into acting." --Jay Leno "Welcome to our 3000th show tonight. I was thinking about that. We did our first show in May of 1992; a man named George Bush was president, his approval rating was only 39%. And someone named Clinton wanted to replace him in the White House. So nothing has changed really." --Jay Leno "Big summit at the U.N., and President Bush warned the president of Syria to stop letting terrorists into Iraq. And then the president of Syria warned Bush to start paying attention to natural disasters." --David Letterman "Off the coast of "Tomorrow night, in a speech to the nation, the president will do what he does best: Explain what went wrong." --Jay Leno "Al Gore gave a speech this week criticizing the Bush administration, really attacked him. And then Gore took questions from some of the other people waiting in line at Starbucks." --Jay Leno "They say the toxic water and sludge smells so bad in New Orleans that they're thinking of renaming the city Newark." --Jay Leno "The rebuilding of New Orleans is already underway. The relief and reconstruction contracts for rebuilding the city have already been awarded, many of them no bid. Among the recipients, major Republican contributors Bechtel and Fluor, the Shaw Group, client of Joe Allbaugh, ex-FEMA head, and, of course, come on, don't be shy, say it with me -- Halliburton." --Jon Stewart "President Bush did something interesting today. After weeks of dodging how poorly the Hurricane Katrina rescue effort went, today he took responsibility for it. It's almost unprecedented for President Bush to admit fault. And he's getting so much praise for doing it, he decided to go for broke and also admitted today that he's not very smart." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President
Bush toured New Orleans. He saw something that was below sea level: his approval
ratings." --Jay Leno
"No word yet on Mr. Brown's future plans, though sources say he does want to spend more time doing nothing for his family." --Jon Stewart, on FEMA Director Michael Brown's resignation
"Brown said he was stepping down because he was an ineffective leader who had lost the confidence of the people, to which Bush said, 'That's no reason to quit your job.'" --Jay Leno
"Did you know Michael Brown is a lawyer? He's a lawyer. Leave it to Bush to find the only lawyer in history who's slow getting to a disaster. Usually, they're the first ones there handing out business cards." --Jay Leno
"According to the Washington Post, 5 out of the top 8 FEMA officials got their jobs with no experience handling disasters, and many got their jobs just cause they worked on the Bush campaign. See this is wrong. If you want people experienced in handling disasters, get people who worked on the Gore campaign." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear what rapper Kayne West said about the power outage? He said 'George Bush does not care about blackouts." --Jay Leno
Jokes for the Week of Sept. 4-10
"Seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend; you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people." --Bill Maher, from his "New Rules" segment on HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher" (Read the transcript or watch the video) "You've performed so poor,
I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that
walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never
conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've
lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a
piece of the Pentagon, and the city of "Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been relieved of his command. He has been asked to return to Washington immediately. He is expected to arrive in about a week. He had a good excuse, though. He said he thought freezing in the face of national crisis made him look presidential." --Bill Maher "resident Bush has sent Vice President Dick Cheney down to New Orleans as part of a massive White House effort called 'operation cover your ass.' ... Cheney spent the day visiting the site of the disaster. FEMA headquarters." --Jay Leno"At the vice president’s press conference a heckler kept yelling obscenities at him and had to be taken away. Let me tell you something -- this time Hillary has gone too far." --Jay Leno "A Mexican army convoy crossed over the border this week to give us aid and water. Boy, you know your country's in trouble when the Mexicans are bringing you drinkable water." --Bill Maher "One nice thing is a lot of foreign countries are helping us out. Like today, France sent a donation. They sent a truckload of white flags for people to wave when they're waiting to be rescued." --Jay Leno "Our old friend Monica Lewinksy is back in the news. She has been accepted to graduate school in London. She says she wants to be a psychologist. Yeah, now she says she wants to blow people's minds." --Bill Maher "The president has vowed to personally lead the investigation into the
government's failed response to Katrina? Isn't that a job perhaps someone else
should be doing?" --Jon Stewart "Just a quick observation, when people don't want to play the blame game, they're to blame." --Jon Stewart, on the Bush administration cautioning against playing the "blame game" "Big announcement today from FEMA. They say they believe a big hurricane
has hit New Orleans. They can't confirm it." -Jay Leno "Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip) "Many Americans are calling on President Bush to fire the head of FEMA Michael Brown because of the slow response to the crisis. Unforuantely, due to the red tape, firing Brown will take 6 to 8 months." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?" --Jay Leno "Congress announced a plan to rename the Gulf of Mexico. They want to call it Persian Gulf 2 in hopes that President Bush would send troops there faster." --Jay Leno "How many folks have been watching the mini-series on HBO called 'Rome?' Amazingly, exciting episode this week -- Rome is burning while Nero refuses to cut his vacation short. And don't miss next week's episode when FEMA shows up a week late at Pompeii." --David Letterman "Big news: President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Mars. It's the head of FEMA. ... You know the difference between FEMA and Social Security? You might actually live long enough to get benefits from Social Security." --Jay Leno "Gas stations are getting cocky. The service station by my house, instead of the price on that board, they just have a hand giving you the finger." --Jay Leno "In an interview on Iraqi television, the new Iraqi president says that Saddam Hussein has confessed to ordering the deaths of thousands. A confession! Or, as California juries call it, reasonable doubt." --Jay Leno :The California legislature became the first legislative body in the country to legalize same-sex marriages. If signed by the governor, California gays would finally be able to marry someone other than Liza Minnelli" --Jay Leno "It's been reported today that Democrats in California are trying to find a candidate to run against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately, the only candidate who's as qualified as Schwarzenegger is Vin Diesel" --Conan O'Brien "This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal
government. Remember when Bill
Clinton went out with Monica
Lewinsky. That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats
had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton
for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And
I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only
difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica
Lewinsky's vagina." --Jon Stewart (Read a transcript
or watch video
of Stewart's remarks) "So no one's going to be held accountable for this at all?" --Jon
Stewart "I used to work at a bar ... and there was a fat guy there. And he just sat there drinking and being fat. And one day someone tried to break into his car in the parking lot…and he got up and ran out there and beat two people with a tire iron. And I remember thinking 'shit, that guy can move, I had no idea' ... That's how I feel about the media." --Jon Stewart on the media's coverage of Hurricane Katrina "Our president isn't exactly getting high marks for his handling of the catastrophe. People don't seem to realize, yes the hurricane has been devastating to the people who live in that area, but it has also ruined the last three days of his vacation. He has suffered too." --Jimmy Kimmel "Everyone is still talking about Hurricane Katrina. Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans. When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that’s half a vacation.'" --Conan O'Brien "As you know, FEMA stands for 'Fix Everything My Ass.'" --Jay Leno "Even President Bush, almost a week later, President Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said 'Hey, don't blame me, I was on vacation.'" --Jay Leno "Although, to his credit, President Bush did respond quickly and he did send troops as soon as he found out Louisiana had oil." --Jay Leno Did you know you don't even have to be a lawyer to be on the Supreme Court? You don't even have to be a lawyer. Just like you don't have to be an emergency expert to work for FEMA." --Jay Leno "The celebrities are now getting involved. That’s what they need. Forget the food and water, bring in the celebrities! Today Celine Dion criticized President Bush for not getting more people out of the city before the hurricane. She went on to say that she could have driven everyone out in two songs." --Conan O'Brien "That's what they do now, whenever there's trouble they send former Presidents Clinton and Bush. Earlier today, they arrived on the set of 'Joey.'" --David Letterman "Michael Jackson will be getting a complete makeover, and the objective here is to look more macho and less creepy. Another job too big for FEMA." --David Letterman "Who would have known we’d be better off with President Bush on vacation?" --David Letterman "President Bush is actually busy trying to fill two vacancies. One for the Supreme Court and another one at FEMA." --David Letterman "Welcome to the Late Show. I am so glad you people are here, because last night what an awful audience, oh, my God. Remember those people? What a horrible audience, and I hate talking about people when they're not here, but God, I thought it was the Bush Administration, because...they were so slow to respond." -- David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Aug. 28-Sept. 3 "Finally today convoys of troops and aid started to arrive along the Gulf Coast. Five days after the hurricane hit. Kind of makes you miss the innocent days when Bush only sat on his ass for seven minutes. It only took him four days to make a plan, but finally today he said he had a plan. Unfortunately it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat." -- Bill Maher (Read his full monologue) "He could have started planning on Saturday when the radar showed that a hurricane was going to hit the city, but Bush thinks that the jury is still out on weather forecasting." --Bill Maher :"There's one big difference between George Bush and Marie Antoinette, and that is when Marie Antoinette said 'Let them eat cake,' they had cake." --Bill Maher "President Bush was on the ground all day today, you saw him there
hugging the starving and touring the devastated area. His quote was 'New Orleans
is more devastated than New York on 9/11.' Then he grabbed a bullhorn and vowed
that we would get Mother Nature dead or alive." --Bill Maher "Taking a page from their tsunami playbook, the White House announced today that former presidents Bush and Bill Clinton will head up the fundraising efforts for the hurricane relief. And you know, Bill Clinton is no stranger to this kind of thing. He was once visiting the French Quarter during a hurricane and got blow behind a dumpster." --Bill Maher "But hey, it is New Orleans. Watching today, I could tell that this city has not lost its hope. It has not lost its distinctive pluck, because every time rescue teams would toss supplies to people, women flashed their tits." --Bill Maher "It’s a big Labor Day weekend for President Bush. Only three more days of ducking anti-war moms." --David Letterman "President Bush is about to end his five week vacation. He's now spent twenty percent of his presidency on vacation. Compared to Clinton who spent twenty percent of his presidency on an intern." --David Letterman "Day 27 -- Bush uses 70,000 gallons of fuel to fly home to deal with the oil crisis." --David Letterman, on the Bush vacation "Seven cities in Texas are competing to be the future home of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Or, as President Bush plans to call it, 'My Learnin' Shed.'" -- Conan O'Brien "As if this country doesn't have enough to worry about, as of midnight last night, Martha Stewart's ankle bracelet is off, so look out, she's free. She celebrated by breaking into a Pottery Barn and shop-lifting a sconce." --Jimmy Kimmel "The terrorists now are sneaking into this country disguised as fishermen. But Homeland Security is right on top of this. They're way ahead of the curve on this. They're distributing to every bait shop pictures of Osama bin Laden. The terrorists are disguised as fisherman, so they raised the terror alert, the color was changed from yellow to salmon" --David Letterman "Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be clearing brush in Texas until Friday. Now he's going to get back to the White House tomorrow. You know, if he doesn't use his vacation days, he loses them, so this is hard on everybody." --Jimmy Kimmel Jokes for the Week of Aug. 21-27 "Hurricane Katrina looked like it was bad in Florida the other day. Law enforcement officials went around telling people to stay in their homes, and black people thought it was election day." --Bill Maher "President Bush said he wants Iraqis to compromise with each other, the warring parties, on their constitution. He said, look how easy it is, look how many times I've compromised our constitution." --Bill Maher "Interesting science news this week. Scientists say they now have incontrovertible evidence that the earth's core is an iron ball the size of the moon . Apparently it spins faster than the rest of the planet. President Bush weighed in immediately. He said it's also important that schools teach that it doesn't." --Bill Maher "Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs." --Bill Maher [Clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho]:
"Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the
United States, and I'm proud to have been one." "He keeps saying 'sacrifice' and the 'war on terror,' and you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong." --Jon Stewart, on President Bush's vacation "Pat Robertson, in case you don't know, is a televangelist. He's one of the big ones and also one of the dumbest ones. He's getting a lot of heat today after suggesting on his show yesterday that we go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela. Well, that is what Jesus would do." --Jimmy Kimmel "Needless to say, the Venezuelan government is not amused. I guess they don't realize the only people watching the '700 Club' are 7 100-year-olds." --Jimmy Kimmel Jokes for the Week of Aug. 14-20 "Lance Armstrong is going to come down to the ranch -- the controversial Lance Armstrong -- and Bush is thrilled about this. He's like a kid. He said how many times do you get a chance to go biking with someone who's been on the moon?" --Bill Maher "Three missiles were fired on one of our ships in the Gulf of Aqaba in Jordan, and the administration is scrambling to determine exactly who these attackers were, and which country that had nothing to do with it we can invade." --Bill Maher "The pope is in his native Germany. He's actually promoting his new movie, the 80-year-old virgin. He spoke at a synagogue in Berlin that was destroyed by the Nazis and apologized for the destruction. Then he politely wondered if, by any chance, during the rebuilding, anyone had found his wallet." --Bill Maher "It was announced today that oil companies are reporting record profits. Who saw that coming?! I was as surprised as you!" --Jay Leno "If they ever pass a new constitution in Iraq, the name of Iraq might change. They might pick a new name for the whole country. I have an idea... How about Vietnam?" --Jay Leno "We want to wish President Clinton a happy birthday. He is 59 years old. Hillary gave him a surprise birthday party. Well, actually, Bill was having a party, then Hillary walked in and said "Surprise!" --Jay Leno "Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn't want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It's the same way that Republicans feel about the White House." --Jay Leno "Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now -- six more weeks of vacation." --Jay Leno "President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I won't do any work there either.'" --Conan O'Brien "It's very sad. They tried everything to get these people to leave. They tried water cannons. They tried special forces. They tried wire cutters, and finally, as a last resort, they had a black family move in next door, and they just (got) right out of there." --Bill Maher, on the Israeli pullout from Gaza "They said on the news that the high fuel prices are not stopping people from going on vacation. Everyone's going on vacation this summer -- Bush, Cheney, Congress." --Jay Leno "President Bush is doing a lot of reading this summer. And today the White House released the president's summer reading list. They said he is reading mostly non-fiction. He likes to save the fiction for when he needs another reason to invade a country." --Jay Leno "How many of you are glad they're writing a new constitution in Iraq? How many of you just wish they'd stop rewriting ours here at home?" --Jay Leno "Over the weekend, President Bush threw out the first pitch at a Little League play off game, and that must have been exciting. I mean that's something those kids will remember until they are old and gray and have no Social Security." --Jay Leno "Israel began evacuating thousands of Jewish settlers from the Gaza Strip and as a result, the Jewish settlers will be forced to return to their traditional home: Miami Beach." --Conan O'Brien "Eight cities in Texas are competing with each other to be the location for the George Bush Library. It's BYOB -- bring you own books. ... The George Bush Presidential Library -- that shouldn't take up too much space: a box of cliff notes and pop-up books. ... The only thing Bush ever checked out of a library was Laura." --Jay Leno "Big news in the Middle East. Yesterday the Israeli government began moving thousands of Jewish settlers from the Gaza strip. This is huge. And officials say once the area is cleared of all Jews the area will be renamed Utah." --Conan O'Brien "Lance Armstrong is going on a bike ride with President Bush. Apparently Armstrong's mom called the president's mom and they set the whole thing up. They're going to have a sleep over, build a tent, maybe eat s'mores." --Conan O'Brien "Months ago officials set August 15th as the due date for the country's new constitution and, as of August 11th, President Bush remained optimistic. [clip of Bush: 'I'm operating under the assumption that it will be agreed upon by August 15th.'] Well guess what? The assumption that the president was operating on was wrong -- bringing the number of false assumptions we were operating under to -- let's see: 1. Iraq has WMDs. 2. We'll be greeted as liberators. 3. No insurgency. 4. All q's followed by u's. 5. Oil revenue will pay for war. ... 19,021. Iraqi army training on schedule. 19,022. Hummus left out won't spoil. 19,023. Not everything explodes. 19,024. Constitution by August 15th. ... Is there a fuck up they can't make seem like it was their intention all along?" --Jon Stewart "A neighbor of President Bush in Crawford, Texas, fired his shotgun in the air twice because he was upset about all the protesters. ... President Bush was pretty shaken up because this was the closest he's ever been to actual combat." --Jay Leno "President Bush is on week three of his marathon five-week vacation. In fact, he has been gone on vacation for so long that today in Washington, a judge ruled that a young couple with two children can now legally move into the White House because it appears to have been abandoned by its previous tenants." --Jay Leno "At his ranch over the weekend President Bush threw out the first pitch at a Little League game. I'm not sure President Bush realizes this was a Little League game. Like when he reached down to shake [a kid's] hand, he said 'See, this is proof our steroid policy is working.'" --Jay Leno "After a month-long search, the White House has hired the first female chef in history. And the administration is making a big deal about the fact that she's a female. Finally, women getting into cooking. President Bush's favorite food is peanut butter and honey sandwiches. That was also President Bill Clinton's favorite -- the only difference was Clinton liked his honey on the side." --Jay Leno "The Rolling Stones are about to go out on tour. Tickets are $100 a piece. But the good news is -- Medicare will kick in half." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Aug. 7-13 "Tony Blair said yesterday that 'extremists are no longer welcome in the U.K.' So even Tony Blair is trying to distance himself from President Bush." --Jay Leno "As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It's like he's still in the National Guard." --Jay Leno "Now is a great time for President Bush to go on vacation because Iraq is pretty much under control. But a White House spokesman said Bush is using his vacation to reconnect with regular people. So you know what that means -- he's drinking again." --David Letterman "California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other." --Jay Leno "President Bush signed an energy bill in New Mexico last week. He had a simple clear message for all Americans -- he said the economy is moving, it's moving to China and Korea and Taiwan, but it's moving." --Jay Leno "After President Bush signed the new transportation bill, he said it's not just enough to sign the bill -- people have to show up and do the work. Then he went back to his five-week vacation." --Jay Leno "The Democrats are all over this. They're complaining President Bush has spent over 21% of his time out of the White House. Well that's nothing. Since Bush has been president Democrats have been out of the White House 100% of the time." --Jay Leno "Earlier today President Bush signed a sweeping 1,000 page highway bill. Officials got the president to read all 1,000 pages by calling it 'Harry Potter and the Highway Bill.'" --Conan O'Brien "Oh FOX News, why must the irony-free zone be next to the No Spin Zone?" --Jon Stewart, on a Fox News Channel report about terrorists using the media "In a radio speech this weekend Bush said I will not be satisfied until every American who wants to work can find a job. Then Bush went back to his five-week vacation." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news -- he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule." --David Letterman "Yesterday in New York City they did a simulated gas attack. ... I believe it was the biggest release of gas in Manhattan since, well I guess the Republican convention." --David Letterman "Last week Ayman al-Zawahri, Osama bin Laden's Karl Rove, appeared on a video tape aired by al Jazeera. Do they have any other programing? I'm just asking. ... Apart from being a terrorist, he is a trained physician and, I imagine, founding member of the worst HMO ever." --Jon Stewart "There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil." --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert "He has decided that life begins not at conception, not at birth, but when you decide to run for president." --Jon Stewart, on Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney's abortion stance." --Jay Leno "President Bush is now in the second week of his five-week vacation down there in Crawford, Texas. He's been taking a lot of criticism for this long vacation and his aides say he has his laptop with him so he can still play Solitaire and Minesweep -- so it's business as usual." --Jay Leno "President Bush is on a five-week vacation. From what? President Bush, before he went on vacation, he signed a bill that will extend daylight savings another month. He said it proves we're winning the war on darkness" --David Letterman "President Bush said in his radio address this past Saturday he will not be satisfied until every American has a job. More bad news for Britney Spears' husband." --Jay Leno "And while President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator." --Jay Leno "So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation -- the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the oil lobby are just giving money to each other." --Jay Leno "President Clinton was on CNN talking about fighting obesity. Clinton said he fights obesity until she finally gives in and says yes." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of July 31-Aug. 6 "President Bush talked tough today. He said he's not backing out, he's staying the course for as long as it takes. He's in it for the long haul. Not Iraq -- his 5-week vacation." --Jay Leno "According to President Bush's most recent health results, he's the most fit president in history. He's in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. Bush said he could make it into the 100% league if his damn job didn't take up most of his morning." --Jay Leno "President Bush signed a free trade pact with Central America. I don't think Bush really understands a lot of these things. Like today he said he owes a lot to Central America because those red states won him the election." --Jay Leno "What is wrong with Novak? ... Does he absorb light?" --Jon Stewart "A lot of people are every critical of President Bush for taking the entire month of August off for his vacation. But his staff points out, there's nothing at the White House he can't do at the ranch because the ranch is fully equipped. It's got the treadmill, the weight room, the jogging path, the big screen TV, they get Nickelodeon. It's got everything he would do." --Jay Leno "It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're only supposed to be allowed two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one." --Jay Leno "President Bush said that even though Rafael Palmeiro apparently lied to Congress about taking steroids he's a friend and he is standing by him. After hearing this Karl Rove started wolfing down steroids." --Jay Leno "President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel "Yesterday the president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is." --Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years -- that's about the national average isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them." --David Letterman "President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." --David Letterman "The energy bill passed Congress this week and -- surprise, surprise -- it has huge tax relief for energy companies and oil companies. What a shock. They said it was a historical bill. It was the first time a pork barrel was placed inside an oil barrel." --Jay Leno "President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading." --Jay Leno "President Bush says schools should teach kids the theory of intelligent design, which says that the creation of life is way too complex to be understood by science and we should leave those questions for God. Of course, President Bush also felt the same way about Algebra." --Jay Leno "It's been a tough week for the Bush family. First, close friend and Orioles baseball player Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for steroids and, on Monday, Bush fried King Fahad of Saudi Arabia tested negative for being alive." --Jon Stewart "The rumor persists in Washington that Karl Rove has a girlfriend on the side, but he will not comment on her. You know what that means. Apparently she does not work for the CIA." --Jay Leno "It was reported today that an anti-Hillary website has only be able to raise $12,000. When asked why Bill Clinton said that's all I had." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush is on a three-week vacation down in Crawford, Texas, and it's what they call a working vacation. And staff say it is an important time because it's time for him to kick back. And I'm thinking, when does this guy kick forward?" --David Letterman "Today at the White House President Bush spoke to the astronauts who were orbiting the Earth on the space shuttle Discovery. Yeah, had a chat. Unfortunately the astronauts couldn't hear the president because he was standing on the White House lawn with a megaphone." --Conan O'Brien "According to President Bush's most recent physical, he is the most physically fit president in American history. ... He is in the 99th percentile for men from the age of 55-59. Which works out perfect because Dick Cheney's in the 1 percentile -- so together they make 100%." --Jay Leno "The doctor said President Bush's only bad habit is that he smokes an occasional cigar. And today President Bush said he only smokes a cigar to help him think, so luckily he's not doing it that often. I hope those cigars weren't left over from the Clinton administration." --Jay Leno "President Bush nominated John Bolton as the new ambassador to the U.N. He did it while the Senate was in recess. Democrats say President Bush circumvented the system to get his way. And President Bush says that's ridiculous. I've never circumvented anything, I'm not even Jewish." --Jay Leno "Bush tried to turn the spotlight on Bolton's positive characteristics. For example, did you know he was born of human parents?" --Jon Stewart "President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking, when does he wind?" --David Letterman "President Bush had his physical a couple days ago and doctors say that President Bush is likely our most fit president in the history of the United States. That means if anything happens to Cheney he can jump in and take over. ... Bush passed his physical -- no word yet on his mental." --David Letterman "President Bush had his annual physical. The good news is he is in great shape, amazing shape. They said his heart beat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you think that Dick Cheney sometimes doesn't have a heart beat at all." --Jay Leno "President Bush got his energy bill passed last week. It includes his new logging program -- no tree left behind." --Jay Leno "Some sad news -- King Fahd has died and, in respect, the Saudi family lowered the flag and raised oil prices." --Jay Leno "As you know, Rafael Palmeiro is also the spokesman for Viagra. So he's using steroids and Viagra. Isn't that the sexual equivalent of corking your bat?" -- Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of July 24-30 "The Pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it's like they're going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of God. But, see, now that job has been transferred to the federal government." --Jay Leno "A group of U.S. Muslim scholars announced today they have forbidden terrorism. Well, that's nipping it in the bud. I'm glad they came out with this so soon, before things got out of hand." --Jay Leno "A new report says that in 2002 Osama bin Laden tried to buy thousands of pounds of cocaine, poison it, and then sell it here in America. Tainted cocaine -- as opposed to the normal healthy cocaine most Americans enjoy. ... So remember, when you buy cocaine, if the safety seal is already broken, just return it. ... Bin Laden's plan was to put enough poison in the cocaine to either kill thousands of Americans or give Whitney Houston a really bad headache." --Jay Leno "President Clinton is traveling to Kenya and he was offered by a tribal chieftain 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea. And Clinton said 'No, but what will you give me for Hillary?'" --David Letterman "The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that's when the party ends" --Jay Leno "The White House has changed their slogan from the war on terror to the global struggle against violent extremism. Well that just rolls off the tongue. Is that a good idea, giving President Bush more syllables to pronounce?" --Jay Leno "Today the White House instituted a new don't ask, don't tell policy. The bad news -- it's for Supreme Court nominees. ...The White House announced that the public would not be allowed see the memos produced by John Roberts when he represented the United States government as a lawyer. They say this is because of the attorney-client privilege. Here's the part I don't understand -- he represented the United States, we're the client, he's our lawyer, shouldn't we be allowed see our own notes?" --Jay Leno "There are now rumors that the controversial White House aide Karl Rove might have a girlfriend on the side. Let's hope no one leaks her name." --Jay Leno "Did you see John Kerry over there in France? He was over there to meet with Lance Armstrong after his victory. Do you know why? John Kerry had, at one point, wanted to be a professional biker but they couldn't find a helmet that would fit his head." --Jay Leno "While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!” How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow." --Jay Leno "It was so hot down in Florida Jeb Bush was rigging ice machines." --David Letterman "North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you." --Jon Stewart "On this date in 1990 the first President Bush signed into law the Americans with Disabilities Act, which allowed, of course, his son George W. to become president of the United States." --Jay Leno "Lance Armstrong not only won the Tour de France but he also sold millions of those Livestrong bracelets. Actually, one kind of embarrassing moment, he gave one to President Bush and Bush had some trouble getting it on -- he thought it was a head band." --Jay Leno "Democrats are concerned about President Bush's Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. They think he may be a threat to the endangered species list -- Democrats, of course, have been worried about the endangered species list since they found out they were on it." --Jay Leno "The New York Post reporting today that three years ago Osama bin Laden tried to buy massive amounts of cocaine in order to poison it and then sell it here in America. This is part of Osama's plan to destroy show business." --Jay Leno "They say the Columbian drug lords Osama approached decided they didn't want to do it. That's pretty bad when we have to depend on the kindness of drug lords." --Jay Leno "He would have sent the Black Republican congressional delegation, but he retired." --Daily Show commentator Lewis Black, on President Bush sending RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman to the NAACP convention "Another big celebrity break up this week -- the ALF-CIO. This is the biggest set back for American workers since the nation of India." --Jay Leno "Apparently, now the teamsters have split with the AFL-CIO. Get this -- they're blaming it on Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman "It looks like there may be more people than just Karl Rove involved in this White House leaking scandal that's been going on. They are saying information may also have been leaked by the Vice President Dick Cheney's top aide -- a man named Scooter Libby. Let me tell you something right now. That is not a good name to have if you're going to prison." --Jay Leno "President Bush has asked for Congress to come up with an energy plan. Do you know what they came up with? They want to extend daylight savings time for four weeks to save energy. That's their plan? Take a break guys -- you're really earning your money." --Jay Leno "Wal-Mart says they plan to open 90 stores in China by the end of next year. 90 stores. Well, that makes sense. I guess they figure they might as well open stores in China. That's where all the stuff is made." -- Jay Leno "President Bush even called Lance Armstrong after the big victory. Not to congratulate him -- he wants Lance to teach him how to back peddle even faster." --Jay Leno "The White House announced today that President Bush is on the last page of the Harry Potter book. Apparently he's reading it backward." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of July 17-23 "Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's something -- these guys only regret the affair after they've been caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down -- only when they're coming back up. ... Before he got elected to Congress he was a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used car-salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying." --Jay Leno "Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay -- it's the sex we're worried about." --Jay Leno "Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead." --Jay Leno "There are now reports that top White House aide Karl Rove is being investigated for lying to the grand Jury. You know something? That sounds like a rich white guy crime -- lying to the grand jury. You never see anybody on Cops being charged with that." --Jay Leno "Happy birthday to a great American -- Bob Dole is 85 today. The Army Corp of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." --David Letterman "President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien "Everyone has Harry Potter fever. Earlier today former FBI official Mark Felt announced that he was the half blood prince." --David Letterman "The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno "Vice President Cheney got a colonoscopy this week and doctors say that he is fine, but he did have an inflamed esophagus. Which is kind of strange. You go in for a colonoscopy and you come out and you've got an inflamed esophagus. I guess it is better then the other way around. You go in to get your throat checked and you wake up with a sore ass." --Jay Leno "President Bush has nominated John Roberts to be the next Supreme Court justice. So counting this nomination, this is the second person who's gotten a job for life from President Bush. The first, of course, being the guy in charge of the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno "According to a new report, China's increasingly modern military will eventually threaten the United States. They already have these intercontinental missiles that can reach us. Do you think we have anything to worry about from China? Why would they try to kill their best customer? It would be like Columbia trying to destroy Hollywood." --Jay Leno "According to the New York Post, Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. Which is pretty amazing considering, you know, he recently had that near-death experience. Not the heart bypass but when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno "John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman "Yesterday Canada joined Spain to become one of the only countries to legalize gay marriage. As a result, Canada and Spain are going to spend the weekend antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien "In Iraq, the U.S. military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a microwave beam. Officials say the beam works perfectly. The hard part is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate." --Conan O'Brien "I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman "President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno "You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno "Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno "Here's what we know about John Roberts -- he's a conservative and, as a small town judge, he once outlawed dirty dancing." --David Letterman "Last night President Bush picked Judge John Roberts to be his nominee to the Supreme Court. The name was actually leaked to the press a couple hours earlier. That Karl Rove is unbelievable." --Jay Leno "President Bush announced his Supreme Court pick. Isn't that exciting? ... President Bush announced that he has nominated Judge John Roberts to the court. When asked why, Bush said he picked Roberts because he has one of the finest legal minds since Matlock." --Conan O'Brien "Last night (President Bush) unveiled his pick with his mastery of the rhetorically obvious. [clip of Bush:'"When a president chooses a justice he's placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law.'] So you're going with a human are you? Eeeeeeexcellent." --Jon Stewart "After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms "According to the New York Post the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral is Bill Clinton. I think Hillary has planned it a thousand times." --Jay Leno "Al Gore has announced he is starting his own TV cable network. ... He is billing it as the first network for 18 to 34 year olds. Apparently Al's never heard of MTV." --Jay Leno "President Bush hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush urged the Indian prime minister to clean his plate because there were people starving in his country." --Conan O'Brien "I think Karl Rove is getting a little worried. Like today he said the biggest problem facing Americans -- prison rape." --Jay Leno "Karl Rove, he is very desperate now. He's trying to improve his image. And, this afternoon, earlier today, he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman "I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor." --Jay Leno "Earlier today President Bush says that he doesn't want to act too quickly and he doesn't want to act before he has all the facts. And I thought, this doesn't sound like the President Bush I know. ... President Bush does say he'll stand by Karl Rove, and you know what that means -- he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman "Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual check up this week. And doctors did a review of Cheney's pace marker. They said it never had to go off. You know how those work? It's designed to automatically stabilize Cheney's heart beat if it beats erratically or if the price of oil goes below 40 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno "Chief Justice William Rehnquist denied reports that he’s going to retire for health reasons. He said that during an interview on the show "Crossing Over.'" --Jay Leno "The prime minister of India was at the White House today. One kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer? I'm having some problems with it. I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'" --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney went to George Washington University Hospital and got a colonoscopy. The doctor said his colon is fine, but his esophagus is inflamed. Let me tell you something, if you finish a colonoscopy and you have a sore throat, that is a very thorough exam." --Jay Leno "Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of July 10-16 "Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble for allegedly leaking the name of a CIA operative. Remember the good old days when the only thing leaking in the White House was President Clinton?" --Jay Leno "This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno "Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff -- not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names." --Jay Leno "According to a new study by the National Geographic 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on the map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map of the world? Mexico." --Jay Leno "Support for Osama bin Laden is down in Muslim countries. ... In fact, bin Laden's approval rating is so low, today he hired Karl Rove to try to get the numbers back up." --Jay Leno "William Rehnquist denied reports he's retiring. ... He said that was a nasty rumor started by his mortician." --Jay Leno "President Bush's still searching for a Supreme Court justice. ... Bush said he's thinking of appointing someone who's not a judge. He has it narrowed down to a cowboy or a fireman." --Jay Leno "Sandra Day O'Connor is now being urged not to retire. In fact, Clarence Thomas told her, 'Please don't go. You're so much hotter than Ruth Bader Ginsburg'" --Jay Leno "There are hints now that President Bush might be backing away from Karl Rove. Like, today, he gave him a new job -- ambassador to Iraq. You know what's interesting -- this whole Karl Rove scandal -- it's just like the Clinton scandal. It involves a pudgy person in the Oval Office who can't keep their mouth shut." --Jay Leno "In testimony on Capitol Hill, the Pentagon admitted to degrading and abusing prisoners at Guantanamo. They said one prisoner was forced to dance with a man, wear a leash and perform tricks. The bad news -- they didn't get any information from the guy, but the good news -- the guy did get accepted to five different fraternities." --Jay Leno "President Bush said he would be willing to consider people who were not judges or lawyers for the Supreme Court opening. Yeah, making the supreme laws of the land -- what kind of job is that for professionals?" --Jay Leno "President Bush is busy trying to pick a new Supreme Court Justice. Yesterday President Bush was asked if he would consider nominating someone who has never been a judge before and he said 'you bet.' Then the president said the same thing when asked if he wanted to take the day off and play laser tag." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush went to Indiana to try and reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's black voters are divided -- one likes Bush; the other doesn't." --Conan O'Brien "The other day former President Clinton played golf with Yankee manager Joe Torre. Apparently they spent most of the time trying to figure out who is the bigger pain in the ass -- Hillary or George Steinbrenner" --Conan O'Brien "Last month Congress took a bold step away from protecting America's mass transit system by voting to slash next year's security budget for them by $50 millions. $50 million, or to put it in Amtrak terms, 45 cream cheese and raisin sandwiches and a bottle of diet coke. ... You know, just once I would like to see Congress pre-spond. You know, a change of pace. But while 9/11 changed everything; 7/7 didn't change all that much. Tuesday the Senate also voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather then by likelihood of attack. Bad news for -- I don't know -- here. But good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high risk target -- the popular tourist attraction: the world's largest pile of homeland security money." --Jon Stewart "Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble. The White House says today that President Bush is standing by his top advisor Karl Rove even though Rove apparently revealed the identity of a CIA agent. However, Bush did say he would fire Rove if he revealed the end of 'Charlie and the Chocolate factory.'" --Conan O'Brien "More problems for Karl Rove -- now he's accused of leaking the plot of the Harry Potter book." --Jay Leno "This is a tough situation for President Bush because he and Rove are very close. And a friend of both was quoted saying today they finish each other's sentence. Although I am pretty sure Bush starts the sentence, and then the other guy finishes." --Jay Leno "Chief Justice William Rehnquist was hospitalized last night with a slight fever. Doctors have worked out a compromise so he can still work. They're going to give him a judge's robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno "In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien "The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove -- then I'll believe it's true." --Jay Leno "Suspicion for the leak was immediately cast on White House adviser and long time Bush confident, Karl Rove, known as one of the few men in Washington with flesh colored hair" --Jon Stewart "It was reported that 2 out of every 10 men and 4 out of every 10 women of recruiting age are too fat to be in the United States military. I believe the new slogan is 'An Army of One, the Size of Two.' In fact, now when the recruiter says don't ask don't tell, they're talking about your weight." --Jay Leno "Senator Hillary Clinton wrote a piece for the New York Daily News, saying we should be more concerned about childhood obesity. Well, of course, she has invested in this because one of those little fat girls could one day grow up to be her husband's girlfriend." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton was also in Aspen, Colorado, this week where she gave a speech and accused President Bush of damaging the economy by catering to the rich. And why give a speech in Aspen, Colorado, of course, unless you are catering to the rich" --Jay Leno "Where are the country singers threatening to put boots up people asses? ... Who grieves this privately? This American likes his sorrow in t-shirt form" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry, on London in the aftermath of the attacks "The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of July 3-9 "The White House has also said that President Bush has begun his formal process of selecting his first nominee for the Supreme Court by reviewing key rulings. Now we all like President Bush, but do you think he spends a lot of his free time reading a bunch of legal rulings? How many think President Bush's selection process falls in the category of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe." --Jay Leno "President Bush has named former Senator Fred Thompson, he stars in NBC's Law and Order, to oversee the selection process for the Supreme Court nominee. President Bush chose an actor. He originally tried to get Screech from Saved by the Bell but apparently he was busy." --Jay Leno "Everybody wondering who the Supreme Court justice is going to be? Well the White House says he may take four weeks to make his decision. Which makes sense because it took him three weeks to pick his favorite Teletubby. It was the blue one, I was going for the yellow one." --Conan O'Brien "The White House announced that next month Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. In fact the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there." --Jay Leno "Vice President Cheney had a medical check up. He had an electrocardiogram an echo-cardiogram and a stress test. In other words he got what doctors call the full Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Ralph Nader's 2004 election coordinator was found guilty of election fraud. ... yeah apparently Nader didn't get six votes he got five." --Conan O'Brien "According to a story in USA Today, Senator Olympia Snow from Maine says that terrorist will take advantage of our Coast Guards aging fleet once they find out all our weaknesses. You know how they're going to find out about our weaknesses? By reading her article in USA Today." --Jay Leno "Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring from the Supreme Court and now a number of special interest groups are pressuring President Bush on the selection for Supreme Court nominees. Some want Bush to nominate a women, some want a man, some want an African American, some want a Caucasian. You know what that means, who the perfect nomination is? Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno "The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to let the government seize a person's house and give it to a private developer if they think a city or town could make more money by giving your property to someone else. They can take your property. This falls under the rule 'One man's home is another man's Wal-Mart.' " --Jay Leno "President Bush visited Denmark, where he was greeted by the king and the queen. He thanked the Danes for their help in Iraq, and he also told them, ‘Hey, I love your great, big dogs, too. They're terrific.'" --Jay Leno "Yesterday the city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics. Apparently they're very bitter about it. Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush had a minor bike accident today. The White House physician said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time. It's apparently hard to tip one of those too. It got caught in the colored streamers." --Conan O'Brien "See, personally, I blame the police officer. I mean, he should have heard President Bush coming with all those baseball cards in the spokes." --Jay Leno "What does a bicycle have to do with the war in Iraq? President Bush doesn't know how to stop either one of them." --Jay Leno "Today in Scotland, President Bush was riding his bike when he collided with a police officer and fell off. ... He could have avoided the collision but, you know, he refuses to go left." --Jay Leno "You know whose birthday it is today? President Bush is 59 years old today. ... If you haven't gotten him a gift yet you know you can't go wrong with an exit strategy for Iraq." --Jay Leno "She didn't want to step down but she wants to make sure she is home so no one can seize her house." --Jay Leno, on Sandra Day O'Connor "Sandra Day O'Connor announced she is retiring from the Supreme Court. She is 75 years old. That's going to be a drastic lifestyle change, you know, from sitting in the Supreme Court in a black robe all day to sitting in front of the TV in a flowered robe all day; watching Judge Judy." --Jay Leno "President Bush has agreed to meet with a bipartisan group of senators to discuss who he will appoint to the Supreme Court. The president says so far he has it down to Judge Reinhold and Judge Judy." --Conan O'Brien "There was one embarrassing moment at the White House yesterday. ... I guess when they brought out the Declaration of Independence President Bush kept looking for the treasure map on the back." --Jay Leno "Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming. Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad." --Conan O'Brien "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the Iranian election was invalid and the winner was no friend to democracy. To which Al Gore said, 'Hey, tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of June 26-July 2 "Did you folks see President Bush's speech last night, the special address? ... He said many, many, improvements have been made in Iraq. For example, the roads have been improved, the schools have been improved, medical care has improved. Now if only that could happen here." --David Letterman "Apparently the war in Iraq is going quite well. Bush highlighted his successes. The Iraqi election is a highlight, improving homeland security -- that is a big improvement -- capturing Russell Crowe. But the president did admit there are problems. The war is dragging on, of course, the economy is down, gas prices are going up, and then he left on his two-month vacation." --David Letterman "Bush is doing anything he can now to boost his popularity. In fact, tomorrow he will be jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman "Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its '24/7 news coverage of car bombs,' which 'tends to leave a certain impression.' You know, that's so true. You never hear about the cars that DON'T blow up." --Jon Stewart "You know what they start doing around this time of year down in Washington D.C. at the White House? It's the big T-ball tournament on the White House lawn. And yesterday a team of six year olds took a double header from the Yankees. They had some trouble in the third inning though. They had to cut off beer sales to the Bush twins." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of June 19-25 "Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld's resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it." --Conan O'Brien "The guards who watch Saddam Hussein say he sits around all day eating Doritos. And, of course, in this country we call that college. " --David Letterman "According to confidential reports, al Qaeda was planning an attack on Las Vegas. Yup, and it happened after Osama bin Laden paid 200 bucks to see Celine Dion." --David Letterman "Despite protests from conservatives, this week President Bush appointed an openly-gay man as his assistant secretary of commerce. ... Bush claimed that the gay man is perfect for the Commerce department because quote 'those people love to shop.'" --Conan O'Brien It is being reported that over 500 female soldiers have gotten free breast implants while in the service. And that's while Bush was president. Imagine how many there were under Clinton." --Jay Leno "Oil is up to 60 dollars a barrel. In fact, today President Bush declared war on Alaska." --Jay Leno "The Supreme Court ruled that the government has the right to seize your land. And today Native Americans said, what else is new?" --Jay Leno "The House of Representatives has voted to approve a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Which was surprising because in the past Congress always rejected flag burning amendments because Congress believed that any form of speech, no matter how vile or insulting, should be permitted. See, they believed that because that's how they campaigned and got elected." --Jay Leno "Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube." --Jon Stewart "The Army announced this week they are now training mine-sniffing dogs to go to Iraq. How bad do you have to screw up at obedience school to get that job?" --Jay Leno "One of the biggest problems in Iraq right now is agreeing on a constitution. They should just do what Washington does -- have a constitution, you just don't use it" --Jay Leno "Experts announced that within the next ten years there is a 70% chance there will be a terrorist attack using weapons of mass destruction...Look, in ten years, the ozone will be gone, the average temperature will be over 200 degrees, robots and clones will rule the streets, and Tom Cruise will be engaged to Dakota Fanning." --Jimmy Kimmel "This is kind of scary. The Air Force has called off the search for a missing nuclear bomb that was sunk off the coast of Savannah, Ga., in 1958. After 47 years, they declared the nuclear bomb is irretrievably lost. And you thought Iraq was bad! We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno "President Bush is talking up his economic plan these days. In a speech today, President Bush said his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. ... Bush said my plan will help if you're a billionaire or just a millionaire." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush announced he has decided to visit Vietnam. The president said 'It must be a pretty nice place. I hear John McCain spent five years there.'" --Conan O'Brien "The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House. As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don't worry, there is no oil either so we won't be going back." --Jay Leno "President Bush said he will visit Vietnam next year. ... He told the prime minister that he is anxious to stay at that Hanoi Hilton that John McCain is always talking about." --Jay Leno "Turns out Saddam Hussein is a neat freak who likes to eat Doritos and Cheetos all day. At least that's what he said on his profile for eharmony.com." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein is apparently addicted to Doritos. You know, his regime had a long history with junk food. Chemical Ali invented Frittos." --David Letterman "Saddam has even been giving (his guards) advice on how to date women. He said what you do is play some Barry White in your spider hole." --David Letterman "There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill's having sex with a women over there too." --Jay Leno "They had a thing down town yesterday. Some idiots were putting up a seventeen-ton popsicle. So for one day only the coldest thing in New York was not Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman "A lot of people have been criticizing the media lately. ... The critics are saying the media only covers the missing person cases if the people missing are young and attractive. And it is probably true. I mean, when was the last time we saw Dick Cheney? Anyone looking for him? No. He's old and he's bald, nobody cares." --Jay Leno "President Bush welcomed Vietnam's prime minister to the White House today. He promised the prime minister he would travel to Vietnam next year -- that is, unless his dad can get him out of it." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein's guards are giving interviews. It's with GQ magazine. That's the magazine for dictators on the go. ... Apparently Saddam likes Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Froot Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'he hates Froot Loops; he's more evil than I thought.'" --Conan O'Brien "You know, it is summer because Saddam Hussein has switched to Cool Ranch Doritos. ... He said he loves Doritos. Man, I am telling you, you can't buy publicity like that. ... Honestly, if you have a snack food company you want that endorsement from the butcher of Baghdad. Apparently they say Saddam got hooked on Doritos at Chemical Ali's Super Bowl party." --David Letterman "According to an interview in GQ magazine, Saddam Hussein says he wishes to be friends with George Bush. Isn't that ironic? The one foreign leader who reaches out to President Bush and it's Saddam Hussein. The one ally we have." --Jay Leno "According to the same GQ article, Saddam Hussein said he is 100% certain that he will one day return to power. You know, kind of like the Clintons." --Jay Leno "Saddam told his guards that he misses Ronald Reagan. Well, good news Saddam, you'll be seeing him soon." --David Letterman "The price of oil is so high President Bush called that Saudi prince -- you know, the one who he was holding hands with -- and said how about dinner and a movie?" --Jay Leno "You know I like President Bush. I just don't think he gets it. Like today, when they asked him what effect prices would have on the average car owner he said, well not much because most Americans buy their oil in little cans, not barrels." --Jay Leno "Former President Clinton said that Guantanamo should either be cleaned up or closed down. You know, there was a time when people were saying the same thing about the Oval Office." --Jay Leno "Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will meet with the first prime minister from Vietnam to visit the U.S. in thirty years. You know why he's coming here? It's a lot easier to come here then to get Bush to go to Vietnam." --Jay Leno "White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said it would be wrong to create an artificial time table for getting out of Iraq. You think that's true? We went in for artificial reasons, using artificial intelligence -- why not have an artificial time table to get out?" --Jay Leno "They're getting closer and closer to the trial for Saddam Hussein and, according to his prison guards hanging around Saddam Hussein, say he's hooked on Cheetos and Doritos. ... Kind of a strange picture, sitting around in his underwear eating Doritos, dreaming of the day he can return to power -- oh wait that's Al Gore." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of June 12-18 "It was 122 degrees today in India. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to see if their jobs were being outsourced to India." --Jay Leno "President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." --Jay Leno "Today is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn't be trusted to tell the American people the truth -- thirty years ago, but it feels like yesterday." --Jay Leno "A top Taliban member said today that Osama bin Laden is alive and well, which is great because that means we can still kill him." --Jay Leno "President Clinton is close friends with the first President Bush and also close friends with the next President Clinton -- see how that works." --David Letterman "The Bush administration is now resisting calls to shut down the prison at Guantanamo bay. They said while it's true many prisoners have not been charged with a specific crime, they are sure that each one has done something bad that deserves punishment. Well, you can say the same thing about half the people who work at the White House." --Jay Leno "Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno "The Trade Bank of Iraq issued the first ever credit card and now, thanks to us, the Iraqi people are free to borrow money at 30% interest. It's good to see our lifestyle over there." --Jay Leno "It was reported that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson's CDs have gone up significantly. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys." --Conan O'Brien "Howard Dean is now in trouble for saying that Republicans are a bunch of white Christians and, today, in their prayers, Republicans thanked God for Howard Dean." --Jay Leno "MSNBC did a feature on Dean and all the trouble he's been getting into for his comments. In fact, some Democrats are so upset that some party leaders are calling for him to resign. Isn't that amazing? The Democrats have leaders" --Jay Leno "I was wondering... How does this make Martha Stewart feel? O.J. goes free. Robert Blake walks. Michael Jackson is found not guilty. She made a phone call. 'Hello, is this my broker?' Prison!" --Jay Leno "As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all ten counts. Now he says he wants to just go back to his normal reclusive whack job self." --David Letterman "Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well, duh. They didn’t know which race to play." --Jay Leno "Brain cells were grown in a laboratory in Florida -- actual human brain cells. Now the next step. They're going to transplant them into a California jury." --David Letterman "The Trade Bank of Iraq has issued the country's first ever credit card today. Catchy slogan – 'The Bank of Iraq Card. It's everywhere you don't want to be.'" --Jay Leno "Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California voters but it was bumped so Michael Jackson's verdict could be televised. ... Arnold was really upset and said if I can't speak to the voters how are they supposed to not understand me?" --Conan O'Brien "Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news -- he's going to Disneyland!" --Jay Leno "It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything." --Jimmy Kimmel, on the Michael Jackson verdict "This just in -- Saddam Hussein would like his trial moved to Santa Maria, California." --David Letterman "After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael’s innocence was as plain as the nose on his face." --David Letterman "Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of 12 dumbasses." --David Letterman "According to Time magazine, Christina Aguilera's music is being used down in Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. You know, I can't help thinking if it were only John Tesh the war on terror could have been over so much quicker." --Jay Leno "Some politicians want to close Guantanamo. They want to get rid of our interrogators. ... Why can't we do with this what we do with other jobs in this country -- outsource them to India. If you want to torture people, put them on a computer tech support line in New Delhi for a half an hour." --Jay Leno “Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has downplayed the idea of closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay. He said it would raise questions of where to send the prisoners. And he's got a point. I mean, you can't leave the prisoners in Cuba. If you leave them in Cuba, in a couple of days, they'll be here.” - Jay Leno "But we turn now to ... the Democrats, a political party founded in 1792 that enjoyed an active role in American politics through much of the 20th century. Perhaps you've heard of them, no? Ask your parents." --Jon Stewart Jokes for the Week of June 5-11 "A lot of Republicans have come forward to criticize Howard Dean about his latest comments about the Republican Party. Let me tell you something -- if Dean wants to insult you and make outrageous statements he should do what the Republicans do and get a talk show on Fox News." --Jay Leno "A large group of Democrats are going to Europe this week. Not on a fact finding mission, they're just trying to distance themselves from Dean." --Jay Leno "Saudi Arabia today announced that contrary to a recent book published about dwindling supplies, they say they have more than enough oil for years to come. In fact, the Saudi government said today, according to their latest estimates, they have enough oil to screw us for the next 200 years." --Jay Leno "President Bush is in a little trouble this week. President Bush's approval rating has dropped to its lowest point since he took office. In fact Bush's ratings are so low he's been offered a show on NBC." --Conan O'Brien "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld -- he's in the news twice this week because twice he's made statements that conflicted with statements made by President Bush. They're disagreeing a lot. As a result, Rumsfeld had to back down and admit that SpongeBob is way cooler than Pokemon." --Conan O'Brien "It has been revealed that John Kerry's grades -- everybody thought he was the smart one -- he and Bush went to Yale together. His grades were lower than President Bush's. That's like losing a spelling bee to Jessica Simpson." --Jay Leno "John Kerry, remember he ran for president a few months ago? His grade point average at Yale was 76. George Bush also attended Yale, his grade point average was 77. I thought 77 was pretty good considering Bush never showed up. That's not bad. ... But speaking of presidents, President Clinton also had low marks -- on his thighs." --David Letterman "British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked President Bush to join him in asking other countries to forgiving Africa's debt. President Bush said he would like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt." --Jay Leno "Howard Dean is causing controversy again, or as they're calling him, Dr. Dean and Mr. Hyde. In a speech in San Francisco he lashed out at Republicans. He said Republicans all look the same, behave the same and are a white Christian party. Unfortunately, they are not as diverse as his home state of Vermont." --Jay Leno "President Bush meet with the president of South Korea. Things got off to an awkward start when President Bush asked 'Are you from the good Korea or the bad Korea?'" --Conan O'Brien "Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno "The Supreme Court has ruled against medical marijuana, but they said nothing about recreational marijuana, so go crazy." --Jay Leno "In Camden, N.J., an 80-year-old has been working as a prostitute or, as people are calling it, the Bush Social Security plan." --Jay Leno "At a press conference President Bush said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live in Africa from U2's Bono. He also said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live underwater from SpongeBob." --Conan O'Brien "Hillary Clinton said I stay awake at night thinking of all the mistakes and bad decisions being made in Washington. ... Of course, she's up anyway waiting for Bill to get home." --Jay Leno "President Clinton's book 'My Life' came out in paper back and it has a lot of new material that wasn't in the other one -- see Ten New Chicks." --Jay Leno "After 35 years of secrecy, John Kerry's college transcripts were released from Yale. Here's the amazing thing -- he got worse grades then President Bush. Kerry got four D's his freshman year, his four-year average was lower than President Bush. Well how embarrassing is that? You get lower grades than Bush and he was drunk all the time. I mean Kerry was getting D's and he was sober." --Jay Leno "Recently they came up with John Kerry's grades in college and it was surprising, his average was a 76. George Bush's average when he was in the same college -- Yale college -- was 77. And when he heard that Bush said 'Do you mean he's the dumb one?'" --David Letterman "President Bush held a press conference at the White House with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. President Bush likes holding press conferences with Prime Minister Blair because he doesn't have to use any interpreters. Of course, Blair still needs one to understand President Bush." --Jay Leno "One of the topics they talked about was debt relief for Africa. Bush unveiled his plan, he wants to give everyone in Africa a tax cut." --Jay Leno "Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight against Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien "The Supreme Court has ruled that medical marijuana is illegal and patients can be federally prosecuted, even if your doctor prescribes it to you. You can still go to jail. Well, this will teach those people that come down with cancer. Huh, yeah. Maybe they'll learn not to do that."--Jay Leno "The next big question is, Will Michael Jackson be Robert Blake's new golf partner or Scott Peterson's new girlfriend? --Jay Leno "Deep Throat has gone public. Yup, Paris Hilton's getting married." --Jay Leno "Deep Throat, the main source in the Watergate investigation, has been identified. Which would be big news if it was 1975." --Jay Leno "Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard the news. He said 'What! Deep Throat was a guy!'" --Jay Leno "Deep Throat was the biggest mystery in Washington since how the Clintons stayed together." --Jay Leno "The Deep Throat incident was about the Watergate break in, when the Republicans broke into the Watergate hotel to see what the Democrats were up to. You see, back in those days the Democrats actually had ideas worth stealing." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Weeks of May 22-June 5 "Actually Mr. President, 'dissemble' means to not tell the truth, 'disassemble' is what we did to Iraq" --Jon Stewart, on the latest Bushism "Felt revealed himself in an article cryptically titled 'I'm the guy they called Deep Throat,' in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. No doubt Felt, realizing his identity would still be partially concealed behind Vanity Fair's 87 pages of Donna Karan adds." --Jon Stewart "Pat Buchanan, Bob Novak and G. Gordon Liddy don't like Mark Felt. Mark Felt is truly a great man." --Jon Stewart "President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. ... There was one awkward moment -- when Bush met a rear admiral, he said I respect your lifestyle, but I don't think you should get married." --Jay Leno Earlier today President Bush was scheduled to give the commencement speech at the U.S. Naval Academy. Unfortunately there was a mix up and he ended up giving a 20-minute speech at an Old Navy." --Conan O'Brien "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith has some competition this weekend. You know, as soon as the movie came out, it was up on a website and available for download. But the FBI and Department of Homeland Security put a stop to that. Glad to see the Department of Homeland Security involved in this. I guess we're done worrying about that whole terrorism thing. We wouldn't want Osama downloading Miss Congeniality 2." --Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station. He said that hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future. You know I'm not sure president Bush really understands hydrogen. Like he kept trying to take a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny." --Jay Leno "President Bush met with Palestinian president Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas. 'I love your hit, Dancing Queen.'" --Jay Leno "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had lunch with U2's Bono to talk about Third World debt. Is he the best choice? I mean if your going to talk to a rock star who's an expert on massive debt then maybe MC Hammer's the guy you want to talk to." --Jay Leno "An Italian restaurant in Rome ... the owner wants to sue Bill Clinton for not showing up. The owner said it's not fair that he should be kept waiting until two a.m. wondering if Bill was going to show or not. And Hillary said 'Hey, tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno "The paper back version of President Clinton's book came out and in it Clinton admits that the hard cover version may have been to long. Yeah Clinton admits his mistake in a new 200 page introduction." --Conan O'Brien "Dick Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University over the weekend. He told the graduates he actually dropped out of Yale. He dropped out of Yale! You know what that means? Bush could be the smart one!" --Jay Leno "The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for 2008. His catchy slogan: The Pulse Stops Here." --Jay Leno "The owner of an Italian restaurant may sue Bill Clinton for failing to show up. Clinton made a reservation for eighteen people and didn't show up. The owner was very disappointed. And you thought he was disappointed, what about the poor girl waiting under the table for Bill? She was waiting there all night long." --Jay Leno "How many folks saw the pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underpants? I don't know I'm from the school of thought that if I want to see a hairy guy in his underpants I'll just hail a cab." --David Letterman "Nobody is still sure of who took those photos of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. All they know is that the photos were taken in an undisclosed location. You know what that means. Dick Cheney probably took them." --Jay Leno "The U.S. Army has a new program that will allow soldiers to leave the service a couple years before their full four year contract is up. They can leave early. This is based on a plan developed by President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno "The Senate finally reached a compromise to allow President Bush's candidates to be voted on without a filibuster. In a related story President Bush still thinks a filibuster is a chocolate-covered peanut bar." --Conan O'Brien "I read today that Star Wars made 58 million dollars in one day. That broke the previous record set by Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno "I'm wearing tonight my new Saddam Hussein underpants. Talk about your weapon of mass destruction." --David Letterman "This just in: People magazine has just named Saddam Hussein sexiest man alive." --David Letterman "Saddam Hussein in his underpants -- finally some quality pornography for women, everything you need right there." --David Letterman "People in the Middle East are still angry about the picture. They said how would we like it if our leader was caught without his pants on? Uh, been there done that." --Jay Leno "It was so hot today ... Saddam Hussein was walking around wearing a thong." --Jay Leno "The tabloid newspaper in England that published the picture of Saddam in his underwear ... issued an apology. They said Saddam? We thought it was Camilla." --Jay Leno "Everyone is making a big deal about this picture. I don't know what the big deal is. I saw it two weeks ago when he put it on Match.com." --Jay Leno "The FBI said today that the hand grenade that was thrown near President Bush was real and could have exploded. You know what that means? This was the closest Bush has ever come to finding weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of May 15-21 "Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler "Earlier today Photos appeared on the cover of two newspapers of Saddam Hussein in his underwear... People were very upset. Here's the cover of the New York Post. And then I noticed something very odd... zoom in on the photo (clip: written on underwear -- "Weapon of Mass Destruction") --Conan O'Brien "Saddam Hussein is still in jail and he's writing his memoir all about his life as a evil dictator. And he's going to promote it... In fact next week he will attend a book signing at Barnes and Evil" --David Letterman "The big rumor in Washington, Dick Cheney may run for president. Let's hope that's just a Newsweek story. Cheney says he wants to run because there is still a lot of unfinished business. Like, did you know there are still a lot of countries that don't hate us?" --Jay Leno "A lot of critics are now saying Darth Vader is like President Bush. I dunno, you think that's true? I don't think so. Napoleon Dynamite maybe." --Jay Leno "To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey "They want President Bush's approval for 'Star Wars' type weapons. In fact, after they made the announcement, Dick Cheney whispered in President Bush's ear 'I am your father.'" --Jay Leno "The hand grenade thrown at President Bush turned out to be real. The Secret Service said today they're examining whether security changes need to be made. Duh! ... Somebody walks up and throws a hand grenade at the president and I can't get on a plane because I have a nose clipper -- hello? There's something wrong." --Jay Leno "President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek magazine. Newsweek is angry as well, and wants to know who read the story to President Bush." --Conan O'Brien "At the premiere of the Star Wars film at Cannes, there were comparisons being made between Darth Vader and President Bush. Have you heard this? They're comparing the movie to President Bush. Also talk about President Bush's brother; they call him the evil 'Jebi' master." -- Jay Leno "President Bush is really getting on this alternative fuel thing. Did you hear about President Bush's new plan for solar energy? He's going to send troops to the sun." --Jay Leno "Next Tuesday I have to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I've been getting ready for my testimony all week. I've been drinking wine and looking at porno magazines." --Jay Leno "CBS has cancelled '60 Minutes II,' which means Dan Rather lost another job. But I understand there's an opening at Newsweek. He might go there." --Jay Leno "Voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor -- Antonio Villaraigosa. Voters admitted they only voted for Villaraigosa because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it." --Conan O'Brien "Newsweek magazine in deep shiite this week. Newsweek printed a story without checking the facts. The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn't had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer." --Jay Leno "President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman "The Pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. ... The administration said the closing of the bases will allow us to fund another unnecessary war." --Jay Leno "There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno "Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran. The article caused violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now they really loved us." --David Letterman, on Newsweek's story about U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushing a copy of the Koran down the toilet "When President Bush heard about it, he was outraged. He said 'I don't like books either but that's no reason to flush them down the toilet.'" --Jay Leno "The White House is still very upset about this. They said Newsweek should have retracted the story as soon they found out they got its facts wrong. If we pulled back every time we got our facts wrong, we wouldn't even be in Iraq." --Jay Leno "I think Rumsfeld went a little crazy. What did they close? 180 bases around the country? ... Why don't they shut down Neverland Ranch?" --Jay Leno, on U.S. military base closures U.S. military strategists say we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find David Chappelle." --Jay Leno "The buzz in Washington is Vice President Cheney is considering running in 2008. Not for president -- just for exercise." --Jay Leno "At the Cannes film festival, there were comparisons made between Bush and Darth Vader. I don't see that. Maybe Cheney." --Jay Leno "Newsweek has apologized now for publishing the story…that U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. Turns out the story is not true. The reporters, of course, will be punished the usual way -- they will be given jobs at CBS." --Jay Leno "The White House said today the Newsweek report has damaged the U.S. image overseas. And, believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas, the White House knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno "Well, I just found out, you know what the toughest job in the world, anybody know? Trying to sell subscriptions to Newsweek in Afghanistan." --Jay Leno "President Bush came out today for alternative fuels. He said he looks forward to the day when American invades a country for its soybeans." --Jay Leno "According to a USA Today poll, 90% of people say prayer works very well for them in curing pain. Which is also the Republican health care plan. Keep praying!" --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein in prison and writing his personal memoir. ... He is the first jailed dictator to write a book since, well, Martha Stewart." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of May 8-14 "The big non-story this week was the plane that came near the White House and did nothing. But when President Bush heard there was a plane nearing an important building, he was immediately rushed to a middle school so he could sit there like a lump." --Bill Maher "The president was on a bike ride. He wouldn't have even suspected anything was going on except on the way home they didn't stop for ice-cream." --Bill Maher "The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he's heard enough -- he's voting yes." --Bill Maher "Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the 'Support Our Troops' magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give? Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?" --Bill Maher, calling for advocates of the Iraq war to enlist in the army "The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases around the country. If the Bush administration wants to close military bases, how about we start with the ones in Iraq? ...You know when President Bush first thought about closing bases? When he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno "In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary." --Jay Leno "Jim West, the mayor of Spokane, Washington, said I never masturbated in my office. ... Even a former president of the United States can't make that claim." --Jay Leno "We got big trouble overseas. In Afghanistan they're rioting because they got wind of the fact that American soldiers flushed the Koran down the toilet. This is the kind of thing that makes us very unsafe because it makes jihadists want to kill us. But I got to give it to Halliburton, they make a heavy-duty toilet." --Bill Maher "A cable access show has a character called 'Dick Smart' and it was a talking penis, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on the TV. Fox News has reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity." --Bill Maher "President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently he still hasn't found Waldo." --Conan O'Brien "John Bolton is in danger of being rejected by the Senate because he's known for abusing subordinates and frequently losing his temper. Today, President Bush announced his second choice -- Coach Bobby Knight." --Conan O'Brien "It's the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II. That was the war where our troops defeated the ruthless tyrant and then we actually left." --David Letterman "It was announced Thursday that the Army will allow recruits to sign up for just 15 months of active duty. If that doesn't work, the military will try renaming Iraq 'Super Cancun.'" --Amy Poehler "The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated after a small plane drifted into restrictive airspace. Things got very tense. Police chased down the plane and identified the pilot as runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks." --Conan O'Brien "More facts coming out today about the evacuation of the Washington. White House reporters said they were moved to a more secure location in the basement. Except for CBS reporters, Bush had them moved to the White House roof." --Jay Leno "At the time of the alert, Dick Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around?" --Jay Leno "An airplane comes through the restricted airspace and they evacuated White House and Capital. But Ted Kennedy, he stayed cool. He told the security guy 'Cover me, I'm going to Hooters.'" --David Letterman "Everybody was scared. The Bush twins were running, trying not to spill their margaritas." --David Letterman "In Spokane, Washington, the Mayor, Jim West, who is publicly anti-gay, has taken a leave of absence from his job because of allegations he offered city jobs to men he met on a gay web site. It's part of the mayor's new program -- give a job, get a job." --Jay Leno "Congress was evacuated and it caused a 15-minute interruption of getting absolutely nothing accomplished." --David Letterman "The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated today as a small plane flew into restricted airspace. It actually got within three miles of the White House. Three miles! That's closer than John Kerry ever got." --Jay Leno "Did you see people rushing out of the Capital? It was unbelievable. That was the fastest Congress ever moved that didn't involve giving themselves a pay raise. What was really scary was Tom DeLay. He had to get 25 family members on the payroll out of there. There hasn't been this kind of panic and evacuation in the White House since that night in '98 when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno "This is absolutely true. During the scare Vice President Cheney was inside working while President Bush was outside riding his bicycle. So it was a typical day at the White House. Remember the last time this kind of thing happened, he was reading a children's book. This time he was riding a bicycle. How old his he -- 12? ... You laugh but as soon as they gave the all- clear he went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --Jay Leno "Big scare down in Washington earlier today. Turned out it was a false alarm. What it was was a lobbyist airlifting money to Tom DeLay." --David Letterman "President Bush was not there when the scare happened. He gets up early and he was actually riding his bicycle in Maryland -- apparently he has a paper route there. People were running and screaming, they were really freaking ou. The police had to use their special Ted Kennedy tranquilizer gun to stop them." --Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush was in Russia all this week. Today he was in the Republic of Georgia and he told the Georgian people he feels very close to them because once, during the Vietnam War, he served in Alabama." --Jay Leno "President Bush gave a speech in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and he said 'the path of freedom you have chosen is not easy but you will not travel it alone.' Apparently the president's speech was written by Yoda. Alone you will travel no. Easy it is not." --Conan O'Brien "Today is National Small Business Day. It's the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses." --Jay Leno "President Bush and Russian President Putin discussed a plan to create a permanent cease fire in the Middle East. And if it works there they are going to try it on the Hollywood Freeway." --Jay Leno "The anti-gay mayor of Spokane, Washington, has taken a leave of absence from his job after allegations that he offered city jobs to men he met in a gay chat room. ...One of the guys he offered a job to -- the former governor of New Jersey." --Jay Leno "In his biggest decision ever on the environment, President Bush has moved to open up 1/3 of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial adventures. This is part of the No Tree Left Behind program. In fact, if you'd like to see any one of our giant Redwoods they'll be at Home Depot next weekend" --Jay Leno "President Bush, over the weekend, was in Russia. He's there buying duty-free vodka for the twins." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of May 1-7 "Tony Blair was re-elected for the third time. This is great news for the White House because without Tony Blair, who is there to translate the Bush foreign policy into English?" --Bill Maher "This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's bitch." --Amy Poehler "California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey "Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well, that should speed up that line at the DMV." --Jay Leno "I have some exciting news. In Britain, in a Democratic election, Tony Blair has been rewarded with a third term as prime minister. And I just want to say for me -- I'm sorry. It's a little emotional to see democracy flourish in that part of the world. I'm not saying that it's because of the Iraqi war -- but it happened after. They said that you couldn't bring democracy to those scone-eating, tea-drinking bastards and I said 'No, everyone yearns to be free.'" --Jon Stewart "In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all bribes in pesos." --David Letterman "The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be out of that country in two years. ... The bad news is they'll be next door in Iran." --David Letterman "At Madame Tussauds they unveiled a brand new wax statue -- the Paris Hilton statue. And people tell me that this statue is so life-like that the statue of Bill Clinton is hitting on it." --David Letterman "Laura Bush was a big hit at the White House Correspondents Dinner. This is something new for the Bush family -- intentional comedy." --Jay Leno "Laura described herself as a desperate housewife whose husband goes to bed to early. To which Hillary said 'That must be nice.'" --Jay Leno "The president knew in advance she was going to speak, but he never saw the material. Basically the same way he handles the intelligence briefings. He knows they're there but doesn't know what they say." --Jay Leno "Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is seeking to apply the same decency standards that the FCC applies to network broadcast television to cable television. To which many erudite, knowledgeable people are responding, 'F--- that guy.'" That was a quote from Socrates." --Jon Stewart "President Bush said today that Social Security could be going bankrupt. He said the good news is that it won’t happen for at least 50 years and by that time you won't even have to worry about Social Security because the temperature of the Earth will be 158 degrees." --Jay Leno "NASA just released their new report on global warming or, as President Bush, calls it -- Spring." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of April 24-April 30 "You saw that Bush press conference last night. Did you see him at the end of it? He said I don't want to cut into some of these TV shows that are getting ready to air and he literally went off the air so that Paris Hilton's reality show could go on. Talk about a contrast -- a dizzy socialite trying to function in a real job and then Paris Hilton's show." --Bill Maher "Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings in California have gone down to Gray Davis levels. I saw a bumper sticker on the way to work today that said 'Don't blame me I voted for Gary Coleman.'" --Bill Maher "Bush held a prime time televised news conference. Bush discussed his plans for Social Security, the insurgency in Iraq, and why holding hands with another man doesn't mean you're gay." --Conan O'Brien "Just 72 hours after President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy, imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base -- we'd be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now." --Jay Leno "Did you hear about this? President Bush's speech last night was actually cut off in some markets by CBS, NBC, and Fox so they could get in their primetime programs. Isn't that unbelievable? Fox actually cut off President Bush to run 'The Simple Life.' How ironic is that? Cutting off President Bush to run 'The Simple Life.'" --Jay Leno "President Bush said last night in his primetime press conference that he wants to limit benefits for rich retirees. At which point Dick Cheney said to Bush, 'Can I talk to you for a second?'" --Jay Leno "I guess you all heard about the big scare at the White House yesterday. You know about this? A false alarm about a plane violating White House airspace caused the Secret Service to evacuate the president from the Oval Office. That shows you how times have changed. Remember back in the '90s when a false alarm just meant Hillary's coming?" --Jay Leno "When the Secret Service told President Bush there might be an incoming plane, out of force of habit he got out a copy of 'My Pet Goat' and started reading it." --Jay Leno "Did you know today was take your daughter to work day? Tom DeLay celebrated by taking his daughter to work. He also took his wife, two cousins, and a couple lobbyists" --Jay Leno "Did you hear about this a big scare down in Washington D.C. yesterday? Something weird shows up on the radar so the Secret Service guys grab President Bush and they go way down in a bunker. And nobody ever knew about it before. It's a hidden bunker. It's the same place where Tom DeLay picks up his cash payments." --David Letterman "Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the world energy scene -- Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and then led him by the hand into his ranch -- confirming the long standing rumor that the president is, in fact, queer for oil." --Jon Stewart "Bush is with the Saudis like Michael Jackson is with 12-year-olds. He just doesn't care how it looks....He's just like, 'It's charming. We're just having milk and cookies!'" --Bill Maher "According to the Wall Street Journal, Phillip Morris is close to signing a deal to make Marlboros in China. Well, that should solve China's overpopulation problem." -- Jay Leno "Bush was briefly moved to an underground bunker when an aircraft entered restricted airspace over Washington. ... A false alarm -- it was just Tom DeLay on another free trip paid for by lobbyists." --Jay Leno "Federal authorities are investigating whether or not Martha Stewart violated rules of her house arrest when she attended a Time magazine gala last week. Meanwhile, there is no news yet on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden." -- Jay Leno "According to a new poll Laura Bush's popularity rating ... is 80% while President Bush's rating is down to 47%. When she heard this Laura said 'Hey, it,s just like our grades in college.'" --Jay Leno "Did you know this is 68th anniversary of the very first Social Security check being mailed out? I think next week is the anniversary of the very last check being mailed out." --Jay Leno "Before Social Security, Americans had to keep working long after they were past retirement age -- kinda like the way Cher has to now." --Jay Leno "Pope Benedict the Sixteenth said that he prayed that he would not get elected but then he did get elected. Today Hillary Clinton called the pope and said can you pray for me not to get elected in 2008. ... He had hoped to live his last years living quietly and peacefully, and today Al Gore said 'You know, it's not that great.'" --Jay Leno "Over the weekend in Indianapolis over 30,000 fans attended a Star wars convention. ... Experts say it was the highest concentration of celibate men since they elected the new pope." --Jay Leno "It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno "The CIA's top weapons inspector in Iraq announced yesterday that after 18 months of looking, the search for weapons of mass destruction is officially over. President Bush made a brief statement today and I think it took a big man to admit this – he said, 'My bad.'" --Jimmy Kimmel "At his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. I think Bush got a little confused -- he thought he was having lunch with Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno "Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out a little bit better than their fight against terrorism." --Jay Leno "Friday, April 22nd, was Earth Day. President Bush marked the event by riding his airborne SUV [Clip of Air Force One] to Tennessee to visit the Great Smoky Mountains, ironically our nation's most polluted National Park. But he wound up stuck on the tarmac due to a sudden burst of hail and thunderstorms because the Earth hates him so much." --Jon Stewart "If you didn't notice Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist accompanied the president on the trip. Now, I'm going to replay some of the tape and keep your eye on Senator Bill Frist as the president speaks. [Clip of Frist not moving] ... Obviously I was not there and I was only watching this on videotape, so I am not really qualified to give a diagnosis, but it seems to me that Bill Frist was in a persistent vegetative state." --Jon Stewart Jokes for the Week of April 17-23 "The Vatican put up the pope's email address on their Web site. I didn't even know the pope had an email address. It's a step up. The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy." --Bill Maher "You're happy beause its Earth Day, or as President Bush calls it, Friday" --Bill Maher "In honor of Earth Day, Congress passed the Bush energy bill, which gives billions of dollars in tax breaks to the coal and oil companies and opens up Alaska for drilling. It's hard to hide the glee in the White House. Today President Bush appeared in front of one of those back drops that just said 'F--- You.'" --Bill Maher "The president was supposed to spend Earth Day at a national park in Tennessee, but it had to be canceled because there was a freak hail storm. So, instead, they had a photo op at the airport because nothing says conservation like an oil man standing in front of a 747." --Bill Maher "President Bush took part in some Earth Day celebrations. I don't think he quite understands Earth Day. Well, like today, he helped pick up garbage at the park but the litter stick he was using was made of baby seal bone and freshly-cut ancient redwood." --Jay Leno "President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton is in trouble because Colin Powell, among other noted Republicans, is on the anti-Bolton band-wagon. He's down to Bush, who supported Bolton yesterday, and, of course, his biggest friend, his biggest backer -- Dick Cheney. Apparently Cheney and Bolton are so close that one is always finishing the other's obscene tirade." --Bill Maher "According to a report, there are some people who are not happy with the choice of the new pope. In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker on their car that said 'Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney.'" --Jay Leno "The cardinals said they have to be very careful in the process of electing a new pope because the pope will be interpreting God's law for them. You know, kind of the way Republican leaders do for us in this country." --Jay Leno "Fox News broke the story with the stunning words 'We have a pope!' Exclamation point. ... Apparently Fox News is now officially a diocese." --Jon Stewart "The U.S. Department of Agriculture came out with their new food pyramid. Have you looked around? Most Americans today are food pyramids -- small at the top, wide at the bottom." --Jay Leno "Meanwhile, today in England a black flag was raised to indicate that Charles and Camilla had finally consummated their marriage." --Jay Leno "John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market -- good timing! What was the second choice? The national bank of Iraq?" --Jay Leno "A man in West Bend, Wisconsin who bought a shirt at the local goodwill store found $2,000 stuffed inside the pocket, isn't that amazing? The more amazing part is how did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --Jay Leno "Howard Dean is out trying to rally the Democrats for 2008. This is what he told them. He spoke quite honestly. He said the Democrats have to stop speaking down to voters. And today John Kerry said 'Well I can't do that. What's the point in being better then everybody if you can't speak down to them?'" --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of April 10-16 "President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11" --Bill Maher "Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Of course, it's a little different there. Their score board also keeps track of Tom DeLay's ethics violations. And when an umpire makes a bad call people chant 'Judicial activist! Judicial activist!'" --Bill Maher "If it wasn't bad enough that it was tax day, President Bush says he's anxious to sign the new bankruptcy reform bill, which makes it a lot tougher for people in financial trouble to get help. He says that we Americans need to learn fiscal discipline. He says that as a young man he only carried one credit card and that was just to chop up the blow." --Bill Maher "Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler "President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals first game at RFK Stadium. The umpire called it a ball and Bush appealed it to his friends at the Supreme Court and they made it a strike." --Jay Leno "The pitch was high and to the right. Just like President Bush." --Jay Leno "In his book, Jose Canseco said when Bush was a baseball team owner he had to know about steroids. But Bush said he didn't know. I guess even back then he got his information from the CIA." --Jay Leno "On this day in 1912, 1,5000 people went down on the Titanic. That record would later be broken by President Clinton." --David Letterman "Friends say that each day President Bush spends two hours playing video games. Now let's think about this -- there's a war in Iraq, gas prices have never been higher and what is he working on? Getting Spiderman to the third level. ...Yeah George loves video games. His favorite? Grand Theft Election." --David Letterman "Earlier today down in Washington, President Bush threw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals home opener and an hour later they threw out the first Kennedy." --David Letterman "The folks in Washington are very excited to have a baseball team. Even ex-junky mayor Marion Barry said 'buy me some peanuts and crack.'" --Craig Ferguson "Earlier today President Bush gave a speech to the American society of newspaper editors. Not surprisingly the speech was entitled 'Thank you for Marmaduke.'" --Conan O'Brien "President Bush has chosen scientist Michael Griffin to be the new NASA administrator and he has ordered him to save the Hubble telescope and build a new manned space vehicle. It's kind of ironic isn't it? George Bush telling a rocket scientist what to do." --Jay Leno "It's spring time. It was so nice in Washington Tom DeLay was accepting cash in the park." --David Letterman "President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno "You know how the pope is chosen? The cardinals all vote and then the ballots are burned. You know -- the same thing we did in Florida back in 2000." --Jay Leno "They claim now that President Bush spends two hours a day playing video games. ... Here's the good news -- that's two hours less than he spends being president." --David Letterman "Down in Washington D.C. the feds jumped a guy who was behaving suspiciously and carrying two large suitcases. Turns out it kind of had a funny ending: he's not a terrorist and the suitcases were full of cash for Tom Delay." --David Letterman "A very scary moment in Washington, D.C. yesterday. Capitol Police tackled and dragged away a desperate man with two suitcases. He stationed himself in front of the Capitol building, stayed there for an hour, and demanded to get into the White House. You know, I think John Kerry's starting to lose it." --Jay Leno "MSNBC is predicting that the archbishop of Bombay could be the next pope. Bombay? Even the job of pope is being outsourced to India now." --Jay Leno "As you know voting will soon take place for a new pope. I understand a number of cardinals have already placed calls to Jed Bush. You know -- to see if they can pull a few strings. You know who the frontrunner is so far? Howard Dean." --Jay Leno "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned Iraq's new leaders against hiring their friends and family members for government jobs, and then Majority Leader Tom Delay gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno "Tom DeLay is in a little bit of trouble. He says he didn't know that lobbying groups were illegally funding the trips he took all over the world. Don't you love this? When ever these guys are running for office they always tell us how smart they are, how knowledgeable they are, how they know what's going on. As soon as they get caught doing something wrong 'I'm an idiot. I didn't know what was going on.'" --Jay Leno "The College of Cardinals has set the date of April 18th for the secret vote. What they do is an elite group of robed figures meet behind closed doors and they choose the new leader. Today Bush said 'Yeah, that's how I got elected the first time.'" --Jay Leno "The White House announced today that we are streamlining our intelligence gathering capabilities. We can get info quicker and process it sooner. In fact, the CIA announced today that the pope may be dead." --Jay Leno "The president has an iPod. And, uh, I don't believe the president should have an iPod. I'm sorry. ... I don't like the idea of the president sitting at a computer down loading songs. ... He had on 'My Sharona', which, I will go to my grave saying this, I think is one of The Knacks better songs. People are intrigued by the iPod -- the president's iPod, as well they should be. We now know the contents of the iPod and I believe that that is one bit of secret information pertaining to this administration that really ought to be disclosed to the public -- what is on his iPod and that's it. I just want to know what music he likes." --Jon Stewart "Someone gave President Bush an iPod and President Bush asked 'where can I get one for the other eye?'" --Craig Ferguson "Bush asked Bill Clinton for advice about what to do in Iraq and he said 'Don't pull out until you hear her husband's car in the drive way.'" --Craig Ferguson "Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is going to be driving the pace car next month at the Indianapolis 500. How cool is that? He said going around and around in circles will be just like briefing President Bush all over again." --Jay Leno "Executives at the Fox News Channel announced they're going start a Fox News financial channel. Yeah, the Fox News financial channel will be different because whenever the stock market goes down, they'll blame it on Hillary Clinton." -- Conan O'Brien Jokes for the Week of April 3-9 "It took almost a week, but they finally buried the pope.
It would have been faster, but as of last month, no one dies now without
permission of Congress." --Bill Maher "It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions words and illegal doings.'" --Tina Fey "President Clinton flew back from Rome with President Bush on Air Force One. President Bush showed Clinton some of the changes they'd made in the plane since Clinton last flew in it. In fact, when they got back to the sleeping quarters, Clinton looked at the ceiling and said, "Hey, where are the mirrors?" --Jay Leno "Before they went to Rome, President Bush let his father and Bill Clinton sit in on his daily intelligence briefings. And both Bush Sr. and Clinton were surprised it was done in the form of a puppet show." --Jay Leno "John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. The good news – today he put in for another Purple Heart." --Jay Leno "Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attend by a U.S. delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush and one well-hidden Gameboy." --Amy Poehler "When President Bush was shown on the giant TV screens, during the Pope's funeral today, the crowd at the Vatican booed. When president Bush heard this he said 'what does boo mean in Italian?'" --Conan O'Brien "The pope's funeral continues. So much coverage of the pope's funeral, and they keep coming up with these new facts all the time. I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope's will to the public. I didn't know that he had a will . . . the surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology." --Conan O'Brien "Al Gore announced that he's creating an independent cable TV network called Current that will be aimed at 18 to 34 year olds and focus on technology, culture, fashion, television, music, politics, parenting and the environment. Oh My God even his cable channel won't shut up." --Tina Fey "Dick Cheney was saying a couple of things to the press, he said he fully expected to see a woman president in his lifetime. And I was thinking, well, hell, he'll be lucky if he sees Thursday in his lifetime. ... Say what you will about the vice president, he is an optimist. He also said he fully expects to see a Hollywood celebrity convicted in his lifetime." --David Letterman "All the world leaders are attending. President Bush is there, his dad – the first President Bush – I think President Clinton is there. And it was reported today that Cuban leader Fidel Castro will not be attending the pope's funeral. Yeah. Apparently, Castro wanted to attend, but he doesn't think his raft will arrive in time." --Conan O'Brien "Right now, all the world leaders are headed to Rome. President Bush flew to the Vatican today, and he told reporters he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. Then, here's the bad part, Bush added, 'I was also a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush flew to Rome today for the pope's funeral. It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when Bush met a group of cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros." --Craig Ferguson"As you know, President Bush and Laura Bush took Bill Clinton with them to Rome for the papal services. It's a delegation of the faithful and unfaithful." --Jay Leno "Actually, Bill Clinton met with the pope four times. Four times! Of course, it was for confession." --Jay Leno "President Bush's approval is at an all-time low of 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we can invade." --Jay Leno "John Kerry is on crutches. He said it's because he needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained form all those years of trying to go in two different directions at the same time." --Jay Leno
"Nine weeks after the polls closed, there is a new interim president of Iraq. He's called the interim president because he'll only be in office until he's killed. But for the time being, he's in charge and get this, his last name is Talibani. He beat out a guy named Ahmed Terroristi by a few hundred votes." --Jimmy Kimmel "The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" --Dennis Miller "Tourists are flocking to Washington, because the cherry blossoms are in full bloom It is really, really beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful that President Bush told the logging industry to wait until next week to chop them down." --Jay Leno "Why this commission was not given the three previous commission reports to that same effect will be the subject of their next report, entitled, 'The Report Commission: Reporting on Report Redundancy in Commission Reporting'" --Jon Stewart, on the president's commission on WMDs "The Reverend Jerry Falwell is feeling much better after being in the hospital last week. He's doing much better. Today, doctors upgraded him from critical to judgmental." --Jay Leno "Actually, there was one kind of embarrassing moment when the doctors asked Jerry Falwell if he had an HMO. He said, 'No, I condemn that lifestyle.'" -- Jay Leno "President Bush's approval rating is now the lowest it has ever been. In fact, here is how unpopular President Bush is right now. Today, the U.S. told Bush they're pulling out of the coalition." --Jay Leno "Belgium has got President Bush really angry. In Belgium, government officials had to apologize because they recently compared President Bush's face to a chimp's. The weird part is, they apologized to the chimp." --Conan O’Brien "Prince Charles has delayed his wedding due to the passing of the Pope. I guess he figured maybe now's not the best time to marry his mistress." – Jay Leno "Have you folks been enjoying the new relaxed President Bush? They say every afternoon he gets a full body massage. The afternoon massage takes the place of the old Bush method, vodka." – David Letterman "Bush was asked about the literacy problem. He said, 'We can solve the literacy if every American picked up just one piece of paper every day and put it in the trash." --Jay Leno "There's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside." --Jay Leno "President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'" --Jay Leno"You know the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and President Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of March 27-April 2 "Between the praying that people are doing for the Pope and the praying
for Terri Schiavo, the switchboard is backed up. Christians are furious, they
realize a lot of people are just talking to some guy in Bombay." --Bill
Maher "One in four returning Iraqi veterans have been diagnosed with a mental
disorder. I know that sounds high, but it does include everybody who says, 'Am I
crazy, or were we sent there under false pretenses?'" --Bill Maher "President Bush's approval rating slipped to 45 percent. In fact, it is so low today he was named an honorary Democrat." --Jay Leno "First Lady Laura Bush visited Afghanistan this week. The first lady said she once wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan and always wanted to visit it. And, ironically, President Bush also wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan. He was at Yale at the time." --Jay Leno "Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35." --Jay Leno "President Bush told reporters even though his Social Security plan has hurt his popularity, he quote 'Remains undeterred.' Then the president giggled and said 'I said turd.'" --Conan O'Brien "President Bush's approval rating has now dropped 10 points to a record low of 45 percent. Do you realize if the presidential election were held today, John Kerry would have to work twice as hard to lose?" --Jay Leno "President Bush said this week he will ask Congress to further loosen the immigration laws. Apparently he found out there are still some people in Mexico." --Jay Leno "Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno "According to a just-released 1943 U.S. government intelligence-based psychological profile, Adolf Hitler held grudges and had a tendency to bully others. You could have knocked me over with a feather. ... Today President Bush said he was going to hunt down this Hitler guy and find him." --Jay Leno "President Bush's approval rating is at an all time low of 45%. That's below F. Bush is now doing worse as president then he did in high school ... President Bush is very concerned about it. He said 'if this keeps up I'll never get elected to a third term.'" --Jay Leno "Homeland Security announced plans to assign 500 more agents on the AZ border to stop illegal immigrants. And of course Rudy Giuliani is furious about this, because this will keep the Yankees from getting a new pitcher." --Jay Leno "People are talking about Giuliani as a presidential candidate. They say it could be Giuliani versus Hillary Clinton. There's a difference between them. You see Hillary wears a Yankees hat for political reasons. Giuliani wears a Yankees hat for cosmetic reasons." --Jay Leno "A high-ranking boy scout official has been charged with possesion of child pornography. I think I speak for us all when I say: Your move Catholic church." --Craig Ferguson "President Bush's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent -- the lowest ever for him. The White House blames it on the fact that Bush hasn't invaded anyone in three years. ... To give you an idea how low his approval rating is, only three of the nine Supreme Court justices would vote for him." --Jay Leno "Down in Washington they had the annual big Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio. ... No eggs were actually found but President Bush continues to claim that they're there." --David Letterman "They had the annual Easter egg roll today at the White House and, not missing an opportunity, President Bush said the Easter Bunny would be out of eggs by the year 2030 and that 4 percent of all their eggs should be put in a private account." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of March 20-26 "It appears the parents of Terri Schiavo have run out of options. The Supreme Court declined to intervene, thus representing the 10th legal judgment in favor of Mrs. Schiavo's husband and guardian, Michael -- meaning the Schiavo feeding tube will soon be removed from the cable news networks." --Jon Stewart "India is upset with President Bush because Bush has agreed to sell F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan, which India doesn't want. And this could cause a problem because if the U.S. goes through with the sale, India says they will stop answering our computer questions." --Conan O'Brien "Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble. It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breasts. When asked about it, he said 'I didn't want to but Barbara Walters kept insisting.'" --Conan O'Brien "President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox at his ranch in Texas. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Mexican president 'So how did you sneak in here.'" --Conan O'Brien "Federal agents busted a $12 million marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school bake sale raised $40 million." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox. They were trying to decided where they should meet and eventually the Mexican president said 'Look, it is easier for me to come to you. I know where the hole in the fence is.'" --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney got a big pay raise last week. He was only making 53 dollars a barrel this week he's making 57 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno "Researchers at an Austrian University are facing ethics charges for using human corpses for crash test dummies. See that's what happens when you don't have a good Social Security program. You have to keep working after you're dead. ... When you think about it, how hard is it for a corpse to find work? I mean, look at Al Gore, he's been out of work for what, six years?" --Jay Leno "President Bush said yesterday he will ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. And, of course, people are shocked -- 'What immigration laws? You can't just come here?'" --Jay Leno "There was a big screw up on American Idol. The phone voting was all mixed up. They had a complete revote tonight. That's what I love about our country. When there's a voting problem with our presidential election, what did that take, three months? When some stupid karaoke show has a voting problem... Oh my God! Get on the phones, and the next day it's fixed." --Jay Leno "It was reported today the the United States Marine Corps is having difficulty meeting their recruiting quotas. ... in fact the new slogan is 'The Few, The Fewer, The Marines.'" --Conan O'Brien "The New York Post says that Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar she had to be help her outside by the bouncer. Afterwards Chelsea said 'I'm sorry but I'm really competitive with the Bush twins.'" --Conan O'Brien "Condoleezza Rice made her last stop in her foreign trip, she was in Beijing. ... They went nuts for her. From their reaction you would think people in China had never seen Rice before." --Jay Leno "The average price of gas is now $2.11 a gallon, and here in California, it’s $2.30 a gallon. Here in L.A., it is literally cheaper to buy a new car than to fill your gas tank. Literally. Oprah tried to give away a car to someone in her studio audience today, and the woman spit in her face." --Jimmy Kimmel "On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno "Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world so now were starting on this one." --Jay Leno "Congress is investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." --Jay Leno Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons." --Craig Ferguson "President Clinton recovering quite well. ... In fact, he just passed a stress test or, as he called it, a weekend with Hillary." --Jay Leno "There is a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha Stewart's whereabouts. Nothing yet on al Qaeda." --David Letterman "How many folks saw the congressional hearings on steroids? I like this. One congressman said baseball can't be trusted. And I thought well, no, not like we trust Congress." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of March 13-19 "Senate Republicans are so committed to keeping this women alive that as a last ditch tactic today they subpoenaed her because it is a federal crime to harm someone who is called to testify before Congress. They said they didn't think she'd be a great witness but she had to be better then Mark McGwire." --Bill Maher "McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids but I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit." --Bill Maher "The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler "Sammy Sosa was adamant, he said I have never used performance enhancing drugs. But then he said, I probably had to be on acid when I came up with that lip salute thing." --Bill Maher "Good news for President Clinton. They've repaired his heart and his lungs. That's two of his three busiest organs" --David Letterman "Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said 'I just use a little preparation H.'" --Craig Ferguson "Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage "President Clinton is back in his home. It's interesting when you think about it -- he had to have all this work done on his heart. I mean, who would have thought that would be the first organ to give out?" --David Letterman "California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against gay marriage, then he went back to slathering oil on his muscles in front of other guys." --Craig Ferguson "When President Bush heard about the ruling he said 'why would a gay and a lesbian want to get married?'" --Craig Ferguson "According to a recent safety survey, Baghdad is the world's most dangerous city. After hearing about this President Bush was quoted as saying 'Oh now you tell me.'" --Craig Ferguson "Speaking of everybody’s favorite ex-con, Martha Stewart participated in an online chat last night with her crazy fans. She says her ankle bracelet is uncomfortable, to which I say – try spraying on a little Pam or maybe some extra-virgin olive oil." --Jimmy Kimmel "Guess who is living here in New York City and wants to be an actress? Osama bin Laden's niece. ... She's already got a part in an off-Broadway production. I believe the name of it is 'Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security.'" --David Letterman "There's a congressional committee now investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball and so far they have subpoenaed a bunch of folks to testify about the use of steroids -- Jason Giambi, subpoenaed; Sammy Sosa, subpoenaed; Curt Schilling, subpoenaed; Janet Reno, subpoenaed." --David Letterman "Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.,] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." --Jon Stewart "Bill Clinton had another operation this week. When he was asked to describe his symptoms he said, 'It felt like there were two interns on his chest.' Maybe it's just one big one." --Craig Ferguson "Congress has asked several current and former baseball players to testify before them this week about the steroid scandal but only two players have said they'll show up. Apparently the others players don't have the balls." --Craig Ferguson "The U.S. has now convicted Osama bin Laden's spiritual leader -- I believe his name was Sheik Phil -- next we're going after his yoga instructor." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of March 6-12 "Hillary Clinton is repositioning herself constantly. She is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who ... are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband" --Bill Maher "Bill Clinton is recovering -- they put a tiny camera right inside of him and Ken Starr said why didn't I think of that." --Bill Maher "I understand how [Michael Jackson] would be nervous. The witness on the stand yesterday, by all accounts he is very believable and every credible -- until he started talking about how Social Security was going bankrupt." --Bill Maher "During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant." --Amy Poehler "A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation." --Jay Leno "A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables." --Jay Leno "What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno "According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno "Bill Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can clean up from his last operation -- remove fluid build up. Now isn't that what got him impeached last time?" --Jay Leno "Thank goodness Clinton is doing fine. And today his condition was upgraded from stable to horny." --Jay Leno "He was in surgery for four hours today under general anesthetic and when he finally opened his eyes and saw Hillary standing there he thought 'I've died and gone to Hell.'" --Jay Leno "Tonight was Dan Rather's final night on the evening news. ... Rather says now that he has stepped down as anchor for the CBS 'Evening News,' he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren. Sadly, his grandchildren would rather hang out with Peter Jennings." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'how the hell should we know?'" --Conan O'Brien "President Clinton is going in the hospital tomorrow for surgery. ... Doctors said it is a low risk, somewhat routine operation. In fact, each year they do thousands of these a year and that's just on Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "Tomorrow night is Dan Rather's last night as CBS anchorman. It seems like just yesterday he was making up his first news story." --Jay Leno "Bill Clinton is going back in the hospital. He's expected to be in the hospital three to ten days depending on what his nurses look like." --Jay Leno "While former President Clinton and President Bush were flying around the world to view the tsunami damage areas, President Clinton let former President Bush sleep on the plane's only bed while Clinton himself slept on the floor. It was no big deal for Clinton. It was like being back in the White House with Hillary ... and he was cushioned by the flight attendant." --Jay Leno "Arnold Schwarzenegger is backing legislation to ban junk food in schools. It's part of Arnold's new school program -- No Child Left With a Big Behind." --Jay Leno "Last week, CIA head Porter Goss said, 'The jobs I'm being asked to do... are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload.' He continued, 'I guess I always thought the job of overseeing American intelligence would be more Maytag Repairman-y.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip) Jokes for the Week of Feb. 27-March 5 "President Bush's Social Security plan is in trouble, and Republicans are angry. They say everyone is attacking it and it is still a work in progress. They said, 'Of course it's not clear what the solution is -- we're still inventing the problem.'" --Bill Maher "Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher "President Bush's parents called him this week and said, 'You cannot have another war until you've finished the ones you've started.'" --Bill Maher "Now that Marta Stewart is out of jail, she's going to go back to writing a monthly column for her magazine. This month's column explains hnow to hot-glue seashells to your electronic ankle bracelet." --Conan O'Brien "Martha Stewart told reporters she's been dreaming about cappuccino. Turns out 'cappuccino' was the nickname of Martha's roommate." --Conan O'Brien "Michael Jackson might testify, Bush wants to bomb Syria, Martha Stewart is free. That's right, March madness is officially here." --Craig Ferguson "Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house." --Jay Leno "When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors vitits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock." --David Letterma "President Bush has started to make plans for what he is going to do after he leaves the White House. He better hurry up because under his plan he sure won't be able to live under Social Security." --Jay Leno "Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'" --Jay Leno "In a recent interview, Dan Rather says he doesn't mind being attacked because 'the stronger the breeze the stronger the trees.' Then he said, 'What the hell am I talking about?'" --Conan O'Brien "Despite the president's best efforts, all evidence suggests lingering public skepticism about his proposal to reform Social Security, particularly amongst retired people. In fact, a whole American association of them has come out against it. I speak of course of the AARP. ... The 35-million member group is running several national ads claiming the Social Security program is basically sound and not in need of a major overhaul. And these are old people. They hate everything. ... But according to USA Next, a rival lobbying group, the AARP's real agenda is anti-troop and pro-gay marriage. ... USA Next is brought to you by the same backers who brought you last year's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. So you know their heart is in the right place." --Jon Stewart "In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, Bill Clinton said Hillary would make a great president -- lousy intern but great, great president." --Jay Leno "87-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is in trouble after he compared Senate Republicans to Nazis. He would have compared them to the Ku Klux Klan but he remembered he used to be a member so he had to go with Nazis." --Jay Leno "Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno "Everybody talks about the unemployment rate here. Did you know the unemployment rate in Germany is 12.6%? Which is scary because if unemployment reaches 13% in Germany they invade Poland." --Jay Leno "In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, former President Clinton said that Hillary would make a great president. And said he is willing to make the sacrifice to let her go on the road for the next four years to campaign." --Jay Leno "The Bush administration is trying to look on the bright side of the rising fuel costs. You see, I like President Bush, I'm not sure he understands these complex issues. Like today he said sure it's now costing us more then $51 for a barrel of oil, but thanks to our poor trade policy the dollar is worth way less. So it evens out." --Jay Leno "Arnold Schwarzenegger said he has no interest in running for president. He said when he made that statement in the '70's predicting that he would be president he was just kidding. And today President Bush said 'Me too!'" --Jay Leno "The Supreme Court banned the death penalty for juveniles. States can no longer execute anyone under the age of 18 unless they have a fake ID." --Jay Leno "Russia has agreed to help Iran build a nuclear reactor. Yeah, because when you think well-built nuclear reactor you think Russia" --David Letterman "I want to begin with some kudos to the Supreme Court. ... They have taken a lot of hits over the years. Obviously, I have had a bit of a checkered history with the Supreme Court ... words have been exchanged, naked photographs of them have been printed. But today they did themselves proud. The court ruled it was illegal for states to execute 16 and 17-year-old criminals. Now you will recall three years ago they also deemed it unconstitutional to execute the retarded. And I just want to take this opportunity to thank the United States Supreme Court for everything that its doing to keep our show's core fan base alive." --Jon Stewart "The United Nations said today that by the year 2050 the world population will have increased by 40% -- mostly in countries that struggle to provide adequate health care and education. Hey, that's us" --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Feb. 19-26 "President Bush is home from his European adventure. ... Thank god he is safe because he's not that popular over there. To ensure his safety they had to seal off whole areas of towns, they screened everyone who got within a mile of him and, most importantly, they sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack." --Bill Maher "In Germany, President Bush this week, you know he was there, just got back. Thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Let me tell you something, that's when you know you've accomplished something -- when Germans think you're invading too much." --Jay Leno "Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from Orange to Pesto." --David Letterman "Tom Ridge, the former secretary of Homeland Security, has now joined the board of directors of Home Depot. His first action, sending all shop lifters to Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno "We've had more mudslides than the Bush twins on spring break" --Bill Maher, on the weather in California "President Bush just got back from Europe. He brought along a team of interpreters with him. It's the same guys he uses when he travels around America." --Jay Leno "Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States." --Jon Stewart on North Korea's nuclear weapons program "Bush is denying reports today that he plans to invade Iran. Oh, we're still going to invade, we just don't have any plans." --Jay Leno "Bush says the idea that the U.S. is going to be attacking Iran is ridiculous and you know what that means? We will be attacking Iran." --David Letterman "Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. [Clip of Bush: 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.'] Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners. [Clip of Bush: 'Iran is not Iraq.'] Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one?" --Jon Stewart "President Bush had a private meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin and the only other people present were their two translators. It was rough on the translators because they spent most of their time trying to find the Russian word for 'Okie-dookie.'" --Conan O'Brien "President Bush said he had a great trip to Europe. He would have loved to have stayed longer but with the falling U.S. dollar he just couldn't afford to do it." --Jay Leno "A Senate committee announced it will hold a hearing to discuss what to do about identity theft. The committee will be run by a man claiming to be Senator Charles Schumer." --Conan O'Brien "George W. Bush admitted that he once smoked marijuana. Yeah, he said he would like to get high and then listen to John Ashcroft sing 'Let the Eagles Soar.'" --David Letterman "You know what President Bush and Bill Clinton have in common? They both like to roll them fat." --Jay Leno "We have had so many thunderstorms, ... California has experienced a series of blackouts. Or as President Bush calls them, the college years" --Jay Leno "Right now President Bush is in Europe, he's in Germany, and he stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with 'Ich Bin ein frankfurter.'" --David Letterman "President Bush is on a big tour of Europe. He said he's hoping he can see the whole country. Earlier today President Bush met with German leaders and we found some common ground -- we both hate the French." --Jay Leno "President Bush had dinner last night with the French President Jacques Chirac and in one, kind of awkward moment, President Chirac gave Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower and Bush said 'Oh this is great a little oil rig! I love it!'" --Jay Leno "Today President Bush continued his European trip by meeting with Germany's Chancellor Schroder. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How's Charlie Brown?'" --Craig Ferguson "President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, 'You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that.'" --Jay Leno "The White House announced they are looking for a new chef. The candidate must be able to prepare formal dinners, serve meals to the president and make a good choo choo noise." --Conan O'Brien "Doug Wead, a former Assembly of God minister who was Bush's contact for the Evangelical community, secretly taped President Bush's phone conversations for like three years. Turns out the guy, he said he thought it was moral to record someone who was destined for greatness. That's the same excuse Paris Hilton's boyfriend used." --Jay Leno "On the tapes President Bush criticized Al Gore. Remember Al Gore admitted to using marijuana? Bush said he would never answer that question because he wants to set a good example for kids. He doesn't ever want them to say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, so I will.' So now instead when parents say 'Son you been smoking dope,' they can say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush didn't answer that question and I'm not going to answer it either.'" --Jay Leno "In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said 'That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'" --Conan O'Brien "President Bush, by the way, is on his European tour. He's on a four-day trip to Belgium, Slovakia, Belarus and several other places he cannot pronounce." --David Letterman "Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip -- give us money for Iraq. ... It's the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule -- we broke it, you bought it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush's European tour "Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost moral. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood." --Conan O'Brien "A state assemblyman here in California has introduced a compassionate care law which would allow California to become the second state in the nation to allow assisted suicides. Again do we need this? Between the floods, the earthquakes, and the crime, living here is assisted suicide." --Jay Leno "It seems a friend of the Bush family, Doug Wead -- I think he's Linda Tripp's first husband if I'm not mistaken -- secretly taped a number of conservations. Bush admitted as a young man he smoked marijuana but he quit when it interfered with his drinking. ... Although he acknowledged trying marijuana, no one has come forward to verify they've actually seen him do marijuana, so it's like the National Guard thing all over again." --Jay Leno "This Wead guy said he never intended for these tapes to become public. Who ever thought going to the New York Times and playing them for a reporter would have made them public?" --Jay Leno "President Bush is in Europe. He's going to Brussels, he's going to Germany, and then he's going to Amsterdam to get some primo weed." --David Letterman "There was a story about this old friend of George W. Bush's -- they would have long conversations on the telephone -- and this friend tapped these conversations. And now he's written a book. It's a horrible thing to have happened. But in these tapes, President Bush admits at one time he tried marijuana. .And if you think that's stunning there's a secret tape of Osama bin Laden and he admits to one time trying pork. ... And I know what you're thinking? How the hell did someone trick George W. Bush." --David Letterman "Bush, Clinton and Ford have all admitted to trying to marijuana. It's like a presidential version of the Doobie Brothers." --Jay Leno "President Bush met with the king of Belgium ... and said 'I love your waffles.'" --Craig Ferguson Jokes for the Week of Feb. 13-19 "Jeff Gannon ... He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals. ... He actually had two jobs -- one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute. ... I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate." --Bill Maher "Amid this stuff with Jeff Gannon what is our new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales doing as his first act of office -- going after the porn industry. ... Apparently this is the guy who is pro-torture but anti-porn. You can put somebody on a leash and wag wieners in his face but don't film it." --Bill Maher "The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." --Bill Maher "President Bush, as of this weekend, is heading for Brussels for a fact finding mission. First fact -- Where's Brussels?" --Bill Maher "Iran said yesterday they will shoot down any of our drones. You know what our drones are? They're those planes without any pilots. We got the idea for that from Bush and the National Guard." --Bill Maher "It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey "A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey "A new poll asked people who'd they vote for if George Washington ran against President Bush. George Washington won by 20 percent. So counting Al Gore that would be the second time Bush lost to a dead guy." --Craig Ferguson "Here's some interesting presidential trivia – historians this week named Warren G. Harding the dumbest president of all time. I understand President Bush is demanding a recount." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton’s former business partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno "This week the U.S. Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected once it's retired." --Conan O'Brien "This week the White House announced that Dick Cheney's daughter Elizabeth has been made a U.S. diplomat to the Middle East... Today Cheney called leaders in the Middle East and said don't worry -- she is the straight one." --Conan O'Brien "Last week CNN's news director Eason Jordan resigned from his post after a remark he made at an allegedly off-the-record session at the Davos conference in Switzerland. Jordan had said he felt U.S. troops had been targeting journalists in Iraq. A blogger at the conference published Jordan's comment on a Davos blog. It was then picked up by the National Review online, reprinted on a blog of a radio talk show host and finally appeared in the Washington Post. That's the Washington Post's new motto 'You heard it here, Twelfth.'" --Jon Stewart "Congress may pass a law that would result in TV networks that broadcast indecency being even stiffly penalized. In fact, it is going to cost us 500 more bucks because I said stiffly penalized." --Craig Ferguson "President George Bush is requesting an additional $82 billion -- $82 billion for war funding. Of course that would include Afghanistan, Iraq and a country to be named later." --David Letterman "President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago. [Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.'] Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we have no idea what we are doing." --Jon Stewart "In a new book just coming out, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the dumbest president of all time. After hearing this President Bush said 'Tanya Harding was president?'" --Conan O'Brien "President Bush wants a further $82 billion for the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. $82 billion more he wants. If he's not careful there's going to be no money left to attack Iran or Korea." --Craig Ferguson "The FDA -- the Food and Drug Administration -- has set up a new procedure by which new drugs will be tested and approved in four years. It's called college." --Craig Ferguson "Dick Cheney said there is no way he will run for president in 2008 even if he was begged and believe me the oil companies are begging." --Jay Leno "North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. President Bush said today North Korea has nothing to fear from America. He said 'Don't these people understand we only attack countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction?'" --Jay Leno "This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power." --Jon Stewart Jokes for the Week of Feb. 6-12 "In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey "According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, 'President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually.'" --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney says he will not run for president in 2008. He's not going to run so he can spend more time at home with his defibrillator." --David Letterman "The Grammy Awards are on Sunday. President Clinton is nominated for an award. He's up for Best Spoken Word Album. Not surprisingly the word is booby." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today former Vermont Governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee -- no word on who will be the neck." --Amy Poehler "Did you see this? Yesterday, a 4.2 earthquake shook Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks. In fact they said they haven't seen that many people get under a desk since Clinton was governor." --Jay Leno "North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran." --Craig Ferguson "Condoleezza Rice has warned Iran to stop its nuclear program. They say stop the nuclear program or face the next step. ... And the next step being fabrication of evidence and then we march right in." --David Letterman "Bush's new budget proposal's cut $1.1 billion from the federal food stamp program. I guess the president feels if rich people aren't going to get their full tax cut for a while, the poor people with food stamps should have to help out too." --Jay Leno "A couple who hooked up over the Internet got the shock of their lives when they finally meet in person and found out they were husband and wife. They were cheating on each other over the Internet and found out they were husband and wife. Doesn't that sound like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare?" --Jay Leno "In an interview yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she's always loved Beethoven. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'What a coincidence, I've always loved that movie too.'" --Conan O'Brien "This week in Washington a fake journalist ... was able to get into a White House press conference and actually ask President Bush a question. Luckily someone recognized Geraldo and got him out of there." --Conan O'Brien "The state of Virginia has passed a new law that calls for a fifty dollar fine for anyone who displays their underwear in a lewd or indecent manner. They're calling this new law 'just say no to crack.'" --Jay Leno "Virginia lawmakers passed a bill fining women for wearing pants that expose their underwear in a lewd manner. Of course, women could get around this by not wearing underwear, I'm just saying" --Craig Ferguson "Jose Conseco has written a controversial book about steroids. And in it Conseco admits he used steroids. In the '80s he also injected steroids into these people -- Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Janet Reno." --David Letterman "President Bush, bless his heart, is trying to cut the federal budget. Do you know what it is? Two and a half trillion dollars! And he's trying to cut wherever he can. As a matter of fact he is going to try and get rid of unnecessary White House employees. So apparently he is resigning." --David Letterman "In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything." --Conan O'Brien "The U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp of Ronald Reagan today. I can't wait for the George W. Bush stamp. That's when your letter goes to Iraq for no reason and the stamp can't explain why." --Craig Ferguson "According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate." --Jay Leno "Saudi Arabia held an anti-terrorism conference. You know, it's kind of like having a child protection conference at Neverland Ranch." --Jay Leno "Here's tremendous news -- the Israelis and the Palestinians have negotiated a cease fire. And things really came together once they resolved the salary cap issue." --David Letterman "The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." --David Letterman "The president announced today new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan -- when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in." --Craig Ferguson "President Bush has proposed an increase in the federal tax on airline tickets to pay for additional extra security. That's good news. Now it'll cost you extra to have your wife felt up at the airport." --Jay Leno "President Bush unveiled his new budget proposal yesterday. They called for eliminating money for Amtrack. Yeah, or as Bush explained it, choo choo go bye bye." --Conan O'Brien "The government has announced that Medicare will now cover sexual performance drugs like Viagra. This is part of President Bush's no erection left behind." --Jay Leno "The U.S. Army announced that soldiers will be getting new uniforms. They will be more expensive, more stylish and feature easy to open velcro. Apparently they are relaxing the whole don't ask don't tell thing." --Conan O'Brien "A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeyes fried chicken. Instead of oil for food we're giving them oil in food." --Jay Leno "Potentially world-changing events going on in the Middle East as Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas agreed earlier today on a cease fire. Traditionally, these cease fires come about a month after a Trump wedding and last about half as long." --Jimmy Kimmel "Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate -- superstar Mark McGwire -- with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it -- nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway." --Jimmy Kimmel "Good news for the Eagles. Even though the Patriots won 24-21, since it is Florida they are entitled to a recount." --Jay Leno "When I saw George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton walking into the stadium together I just thought it was a new Super Bowl add for Metamucil and Lavitra." --Jay Leno "A reporter has been asking Vice President Dick Cheney about the next presidential election and Cheney says very firmly he will not be running in 2008. Running? I think he'll be walking by 2008. He be lucky if he's breathing by 2008." --Jay Leno "As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her." --Jay Leno "Today they announced the big winner of the Iraqi election -- Halliburton." --Jay Leno "In an interview Dick Cheney said he will not run for president in 2008 -- he figures eight years of being president is enough." --Jay Leno "I don't know if you noticed this but when President Bush gave his State of the Union speech, he announced the person heading up the offensive on gangs and gang violence would be First Lady Laura Bush. Today the first lady announced the name of her anti-gang program 'Just Say Yo!'" --Jay Leno "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales started his first week on the job. Remember those two naked statues that John Ashcroft had covered up when he took the job? Well they're naked again but now they just have leashes around their necks." --Jay Leno "In a speech last week about the Iraqi war Lt. Gen.James Mattis said it is fun to shoot some people, and today Robert Blake said tell me about it." --Jay Leno "President Bush's new budget slices money from Medicade, which is bad news for Dick Cheney. From now on Medicade covers the first three heart attacks." --Craig Ferguson "Former President Bill Clinton was at the Super Bowl this weekend. He actually scored more times then the Eagles." --Craig Ferguson Jokes for the Week of Jan. 30-Feb. 5 "You know they have extra security at the Super Bowl -- in case a terrorist tries to get in or a breast tries to get out." --Jay Leno "Today the White House announced that President Bush's personal chef is quitting his job. When asked why the chef said there is only so much you can do with Spaghettios." --Conan O'Brien "Everybody was commenting that Stephen Breyer was the only Supreme Court justice at the State of the Union. But it turns out that is not true. It turns out Justice Scalia was there. He was in Dick Cheney's pocket." --Jay Leno "In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have combined $23 million left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair." --Amy Poehler "President Bush says that his policies will bring clear skies and thick forests. As opposed to his first term, which was thick skies and clear forests." --Jay Leno "President Bush also announced that he wants Americans to have their own private, personal, retirement fund or, as John Kerry calls it, the wife." --Jay Leno "A Marine general who served in Iraq is in trouble this week for saying said it is fun to shoot people. Thanks to his remarks he now has now received a job at the LAPD." --Craig Ferguson "It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins." –David Letterman, on Bush's State of the Union Address "Numerous Republican congressmen pointed ink-dipped fingers in a no-way theatrical, photo-opy show of solidarity with ordinary (Iraqi) voters. The solidarity continued after the speech when Republicans spent the rest of the evening shitting in a bucket in a powerless hut." –Jon Stewart, on the State of the Union Address "According to the Boston Globe today, they said in his speech President Bush came off as a combination of Winston Churchill and Bill Clinton -- two different ways to use a cigar basically." –Jay Leno "Last night more people watched 'American Idol' then the State of the Union. So next year the speech will be given by Ryan Secrest. ... I guess people would rather watch someone who can't sing then someone who can't speak." --Craig Ferguson "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice left for Europe this morning with a plan to visit every country that sided with the U.S. in the war on Iraq. She should be back in about a half an hour." --Craig Ferguson "A lot of people dipped their fingers in purple ink to show solidarity with the Iraqi voters. And did you see Dick Cheney? He had five fingers that were purple and then they realized that's just from bad circulation." --Jay Leno "President Bush made his case with Social Security reform. He said if you have a Social Security check you might want to cash it first thing in the morning." --Jay Leno "President Bush's nominee for attorney general, Alberto Gonzalas, was approved by the Senate. For a while it looked like he wasn't going to make it, before a group of senators changed their vote after they were dragged into a room and forced to make a naked pyramid." --Jay Leno "Tonight in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it." --Jay Leno "Earlier tonight it was President Bush's State of the Union address and it is always exciting to be there. I don't care what you think, if you are Democrat or Republican it is always an exciting event. President Bush was interrupted forty times by applause and twice to look up a word in the dictionary." --David Letterman "A big night. In the State of the Union address President Bush announced his visionary plan to bring peace to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston." --David Letterman "It hasn't happened yet but I am going to make one prediction. Dick Cheney will, in the middle of President Bush's speech, kill and eat a puppy." --Jon Stewart "The State of the Union address was tonight. A little fun fact: Historians say that most presidents have begun their State of the Union address by saying 'The state of the union is strong.' ... However President Bush started his speech a little differently. He said 'the State of the Union is strongtastic' and then he wandered away, but they got him back." --Conan O'Brien "I guess you know last night President Bush gave his State of the Union address. And in a related story, John Kerry rented 'Shrek Two.'" --Jay Leno "First Lady Laura Bush said that Jenna Bush's new boyfriend is not a serious boyfriend. Yeah, Laura Bush described him as more of a drinking buddy." --Conan O'Brien "Big news right now about the Iraqi election. The turnout for the election was higher than expected with 60 percent of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said don't worry -- once their democracy is as sophisticated as ours that number should drop to 40 percent." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush said he was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26 legalizing gay marriage in Mosul was defeated." --Jay Leno "Terrorists in Iraqi claimed they had kidnapped a U.S. soldier. They even released a video showing a U.S. soldier with a gun to its head. Turns out the soldier was just a doll. A GI Joe doll but it was shot from a distance so it looked real. Turns out the whole news story was fake. It's nice to see Dan Rather working again." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, Senator Hillary Clinton fainted. Apparently, she fainted after coming home and finding her husband alone"" --Conan O'Brien "A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday. " --David Letterman "Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson "They did not release the names of the candidates until two days before the election. To protect the candidates they didn't even tell you who was running until two days before the election. Why can't we do that here?" --Jay Leno "A lot of Iraqi citizens here in the United States, they voted in the election as well. In fact, a lot of Iraqis in Chicago voted seven or eight times -- some are still voting now." --Jay Leno "This week the mayor of Baghdad said he would like to erect a statue of President Bush in the middle of the city. Then the mayor of Baghdad said, unfortunately there is no middle of the city." --Conan O'Brien "Detainees at Guantanamo Bay they claim that one of the methods used to get them to talk is when a female interrogator would question them while wearing thong underwear. I believe that's called good cop, great cop." --Jay Leno "It has been reported that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It's called 'Why I never got close to Dick.'" --Conan O'Brien "You know there was a bounty on Osama bin Laden -- $25 million and they have now doubled it. $50 million is the bounty on Osama bin Laden. And it makes sense because if you're a goat farmer in Tora Bora, $25 million just isn't going to get your attention." -David Letterman "We now turn our attention to North Korea where Dictator Kim Jong-Il says when he retires he is looking forward to turning the power over to his son. You know his son Mental-le-ill." -David Letterman "A new Medicare drug benefit passed by Congress last year will now cover lifestyle drugs such as viagra. Government spokesmen explained the American seniors will no longer have to choose between buying groceries and getting booty calls." --Craig Ferguson "How about this for a mystery? Over in Iraq, United States authorities have admitted that $9 billion is missing. They have misplaced $9 billion in Iraq. Wow. I am fairly confident they'll find it though. It's probably some where with the weapons of mass destruction." -David Letterman "According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by 2052, completely broke. Again I don't think President Bush understands these issues. He says 2052 -- well, that's all right, by then all our old people will be dead." --Jay Leno "Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something." --Jon Stewart "Yesterday, of course, was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech." --Jay Leno "The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno "Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters "President Bush said today he wants another $80 billion in Iraq funding. So when he said Iraq isn't free yet, he ain't kidding." --Jay Leno "Do you know they return to the polls for another round of voting later in the year? Six months they go back again. So it's basically same Shiite, different day." --Jay Leno "According to a new book, prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were questioned by female intelligence officers wearing thongs. Here's my question -- where the hell are those pictures? I keep getting that one naked guy in the pyramid. You know, I'm tired of looking at that. Can we see some naked women in thongs?" --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech. She's fine but what I don't understand is why Bill Clinton was giving mouth-to-mouth to her assistant." --Craig Ferguson "The U.S. Mint has released a new California state quarter. On one side is Governor Schwarzenegger's head and on the other side is the rest of his head." --Craig Ferguson "Big news out of Iraq today. Voter turnout was higher than expected. The big losers were the terrorists. In fact, they've changed their name from al Qaeda to al Gore" --Craig Ferguson "The U.S. authority in Iraq has misplaced $9 billion. You know where we should look for the $9 billion -- under the weapons of mass destruction." --Craig Ferguson Jokes for the Week of Jan. 23-29 "It's amazing -- we invade a country, overthrow a dictator, and then boom, we have an election. Well, more like, boom, boom, boom." --Jay Leno, on the Iraq election "Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno "Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington D.C. and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad." --Jay Leno "Congratulations by the way to Condoleezza Rice who today was confirmed today as secretary of state. Which makes Rice the most powerful black women in the country, besides Oprah that is." --Craig Ferguson "Earlier today on only her second day on the job, Condoleezza Rice made Barbara Boxer ambassador to Fallujah." --Jay Leno "Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney who turns 64 this Sunday. Isn't that lovely. He plans to spend the day with his loved ones, Shell and Exxon." --Craig Ferguson "President Bush's daughter Jenna has a new boyfriend and everybody in Washington is asking who's the lucky designated driver?" --Craig Ferguson "Lawmakers in Washington, Illinois and other states are now considering a vanity tax on cosmetic surgery and botox injections. Could you imagine if they did that in California? That would be huge. I mean Joan Rivers alone could save social security." --Jay Leno "How many times do I have to tell you guys, if it's in the paper and not about a cat eating lasagna, I haven't read it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush saying he hasn't followed the Armstrong Williams scandal, in which the Bush administration paid the commentator to promote the No Child Left Behind Act "President Bush held the first news conference of in his second term against the back drop of revelations that the administration has been paying columnists to report favorably on their policies and other reporters complaints about strong arm tactics and lock step spin. [Clip Bush: 'There needs to be a nice independent relationship between the White House and the press and the administration and the press.'] Absolutely. Completely independent. The White House has its press and you guys can have yours." --Jon Stewart "According to a new book, female officers at Guantanamo Bay would sometimes wear just a thong,while they interrogated these Iraqi prisoners. In order to make them feel uncomfortable they'd just put on a thong. Is that they best way to get at the truth? Usually when a guy sees a women in a thong is when he starts lying. No, I'm not married I'm just hanging out." --Jay Leno "President Bush has a plan to shrink the record budget deficit. Today he put all the blue states on Ebay. Every one of them." --Craig Ferguson "Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria." --Jon Stewart "According to the folks at the White House the federal budget deficit is now a whooping $427 billion dollars. For a guy who quite drinking President Bush sure knows how to run up a tab." --Craig Ferguson "Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think they could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson "Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office." --Jon Stewart "SpongeBob SquarePants -- he's here, he lives in a pineapple under the sea, get used to it." --Jon Stewart, after the cartoon character came under attack by religious conservatives for allegedly advocating a pro-homosexual agenda "Michael Moore announced his latest project. A film looking at voter fraud at the Oscars. ... As you heard Michael Moore's film, 'Fahrenheit 9/11' did not get one nomination for an Oscar, not one. Today, President Bush said, 'Does this mean I can't get best actor now?'" --Jay Leno "Attorney General John Ashcroft said his farewell to Washington. He said now that he retired he is going to do some of the things he never got a chance to do, like read the Constitution." --Jay Leno "This was the greatest year ever for African-American actors. Five out of the 20 acting nominations went to African-Americans. In fact, Condoleezza Rice is up for best actress for her line 'I'm looking forward to working with Barbara Boxer.'" --Jay Leno "The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran." --Jay Leno "Five more days till the Iraqi elections. I am going to make a prediction -- I'm going to go out on a limb and bet the winner will be name Muhammad something." --Jay Leno "An article in last week's New Yorker magazine, by reporter Seymour Hersch, who will apparently talk to anyone, alleges the Pentagon has been conducting secret spy missions inside Iran to identify possible targets ... or a possible full scale invasion. If you are wondering how our already stretched forces will be able to handle invading Iran as well -- shuttle service will be complimentary." --Jon Stewart "In Washington President Bush has asked Congress for another $80 billion to fight the war in Iraq. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just buy Iraq?" --Craig Ferguson "Republicans say they plan to press for a constitution amendment to ban gay marriage. Because the founding fathers intended gay sex to be very casual. They didn't want it to be married." --Craig Ferguson "A state senator from Tennessee, by the name of John Ford, a Democrat, is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week. He lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days a week. He's being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news today he was given the Jerry Springer lifetime achievement award" --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Jan. 16-22 Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for –- the
official halfway point of the Bush presidency." "You folks see the inauguration ceremony last night? George W. Bush sworn in as president? I'll tell you it is starting to look really bad for John Kerry. But it was nice to see a president put a hand on the Bible instead of an intern." --David Letterman "Bush's inauguration address was interrupted 27 times for applause and three times for vacation." --David Letterman "But you know the inauguration was a huge success -- President Bush raised 40 million dollars." --David Letterman "A huge family night for the Bush family. This morning the Bush twins woke up in Lincoln's lap." --David Letterman "The big inaugural was yesterday and yesterday President Bush's mother -- Barbara Bush -- brought a camera and was taking pictures the whole time. When asked why she said 'because my grand daughters won't remember any of this tomorrow'" --Conan O'Brien "The parties have ended, the inauguration is over, it is back to work for President Bush. That's right -- today he left for a vacation." --Craig Ferguson "President Bush had his swearing in. Actually a few Democrats are still swearing." --Jay Leno "If you watched it is was a very emotional moment. Laura Bush she had tears in her eyes. Barbara Bush -- his mother -- had tears in her eyes. John Kerry had tears in his eyes." --Jay Leno "President Bush went back to Pennsylvania Ave and sat in a viewing stand. He thought there was going to be a parade everyday." --Jay Leno "There were a total of ten balls last night and President Bush went to all ten. He even went to the Texas Air National Guard ball but no one recalls seeing him there" --Jay Leno "Did you see Bill and Hillary sitting there? Bill was sitting there wishing it was 1996 and Hillary was sitting there wishing it was 2008." --Jay Leno "Here is an interesting piece of inaugural history. Do you know which of our presidents had the shortest inauguration speech? Al Gore." --Jay Leno "And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have there Allawi bumpie stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman "A conservative Christian group accused Sponge Bob Squarepants of being gay. ... Yeah apparently the gay rumors started after Richard Simmons used Sponge Bob as a loofa." --Conan O'Brien "Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." --Tina Fey "Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of the CBS 'Evening News.' Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called 'Where in the World is Osama bin Laden? ... Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.'" --Tina Fey "President Bush is being criticized because his inaugural celebration cost $40 million. When asked about it, the president said, 'Sorry, but my daughters insisted on an open bar.'" --Conan O'Brien "Some people are criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration, but hey, give the guy a break, he's excited. After all, this is the first time he's really been elected." –Jay Leno "In the speech President Bush said that as a country we have a calling from 'beyond the stars.' You know what this means? He’s drinking again." --David Letterman "CNN is reporting that a longtime friend of President Bush says that Bush is telling everyone, in the next four years he intends to be 'really aggressive'. 'Really aggressive'? In the past four years we launched what, two wars? What's 'really aggressive' going to look like? What, are we gonna bomb Canada now?" --Jay Leno "Today was President Bush's inauguration. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration. Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow." --David Letterman "Security was tight in Washington, D.C. The Bush twins were stopped by margarita sniffing dogs." --David Letterman "All kinds of dignitaries from around the world were at the event or called President Bush. Prince Harry of England could not make it. He’s busy at his mountain top bunker in Bavaria." --David Letterman "Three former presidents were there. Clinton, Carter, Gore…they were all there." --David Letterman"It was cold though. It was so cold that former President Jimmy Carter
built himself a shelter." --David Letterman There was one kind of embarrassing moment during the inauguration – Chief Justice William Rehnquist told President Bush, 'Repeat after me' and Bush said, 'After me.'" --Jay Leno "Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, 'Monica?'" --Jay Leno "The Bush administration unveiled a new dance at the inaugural balls. It’s called the Iraqi Misstep." --Jay Leno "The New York Post reports John Kerry and Al Gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said, 'Goody, I can win a third term.'" --Jay Leno "In preparation for his inauguration, President Bush was shown an original copy of the Constitution. When he saw the Constitution, Bush said, 'Oh, it's that thing from School House Rock.'" --Conan O'Brien "Bush says being re-elected, he doesn't have the same pressure as the first time. He said he wants to enjoy himself in the Oval Office this time. Not as much as Clinton enjoyed himself." --Jay Leno "Washington DC is on high alert for this week's inaugural event for President Bush. Anti-aircraft missals have been deployed near the capitol. F-16's are patrolling around the clock and every bartender in town is on strict orders -- do not serve the Bush twins." --Craig Ferguson "It was so cold that for the inauguration tomorrow they may need to use jumper cables to start both the president's limo and Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "One embarrassing moment during the rehearsal, they asked President Bush if he thought of his inauguration as a gala event and he said 'Hey as long as none of them try and get married it is fine with me. They are all welcome to come.'" --Jay Leno "Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan said that the president's second inaugural speech usually refers to all their accomplishments of the past four years. So the good news it should be a pretty short speech." --Jay Leno "Security is unbelievable, the only Arab allowed in any of the parties has to show proof that they own an oil well." --Jay Leno "So everything is being done to assure a smooth passage. I'm starting to worry about President Bush again, when he was told that Condoleezza Rice had been confirmed today he said 'I didn't even know she was Catholic.'" --Craig Ferguson "An article in the current New Yorker magazine says the next place the Bush administration plans to attack is Iran. Well, that seems like a mistake. Shouldn't the next place we go after be the Neverland ranch? Let's bring democracy to those people." --Jay Leno "Historians say the most commonly used phrase at inaugurations is 'My fellow citizens.' However, the most commonly used phrase at President Bush's inauguration is expected to be 'My fellow United Statesers.'" --Conan O'Brien "Did you hear about this? The U.S. is sending a top secret reconnaissance team into Iran. How secret can it be if a dumb ass like me knows about it?" --David Letterman "Security is a big issue this year. So the Secret Service announced that people attending President Bush's inaugural ceremony will not be allowed to bring coolers or alcoholic beverages. In other words, the Bush twins will not be going." --Conan O'Brien "Some groups are calling on people to fast and pray on the day of Bush's inauguration to protest the re-election. That's not going to work. The people who fast and pray are the ones who voted him in. That's his audience." --Jay Leno "According to the New York Post both Al Gore and John Kerry are planning on running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry -- again experts say it is to early to say who would loose bigger." --Jay Leno "There is a rumor that al Qaeda is going bankrupt. And I think it might be true because last week Martha Stewart dumped all her al Qaeda stock." --David Letterman "At her confirmation hearing as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. You know what that means -- we're running low on ammunition." --Jay Leno "News from Washington -- Condoleezza Rice ... says there are no plans to invade North Korea, which can only mean one thing -- they don't have any oil." --Craig Ferguson "Talk show host Jerry Springer called the war in Iraq immoral. Springer made the remarks while breaking up a fight between a hooker and a deadbeat dad." --Conan O'Brien "You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing the Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno "Traditionally the president's inaugural committee pays for these expenses; this time around it's stiffing the District of Columbia with a 12 million dollar security bill -- just their way of saying 'thank you' to the community that went nine-to-one for the president's opponent." --Jon Stewart, on security expenses for Bush's inauguration "In an interview in USA Today, President Bush said he is not wasting any more money on programs that are not working. Well that's good news. I guess the war in Iraq is over." --Jay Leno "President Bush told the reporter that he saw his re-election as the approval by the American people to continue the war in Iraq. Kind of like how Clinton thought his re-election meant the American people wanted him to continue cheating on Hillary." --Jay Leno "Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. [Clip of Walters: 'Are you a cat person or a dog person?'] Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. [Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.'] You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey "Did you watch the Golden Globes last night? ... Hillary Clinton made an appearance. She was nominated for 'Kill Bill.' ... It was the largest celebrity gathering since the last anti-Bush rally." --Jay Leno "President Bush gave a speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King today. And then he said, Mr. King hosts my favorite CNN show." --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Jan. 9-15 "The White House announced that Ruben Studdard is going to perform at one of the President Bush's inauguration celebrations. Republicans said they chose Studdard because he's one of the red states." --Conan O'Brien "One week from tonight President Bush will be sworn in, once again, as president of the United States. This will mark only the second time in four years that he's had his hand on a book." --Jay Leno "Of course, this will be a lot less crowded then the last one because we have fewer allies." --Jay Leno "It was also announced that on the night of the inauguration, President Bush will attend nine parties in one night -- nine parties. Trying to break his old record at Yale." --Jay Leno "President Bush says now, boy this is unbelievable, Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. Oh! I'll be darned. But President Bush says there is strong evidence that Saddam Hussein had an illegal nanny." --David Letterman "The White House officially concluded today there are no WMDs in Iraq. What a though couple of months it has been for George Bush? This month -- no weapons. Last month -- no Santa."--Craig Ferguson "After nearly two years the White House announced the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is over. Of course, it won't really be over until the French say we're ready to go in." --Jay Leno "Ted Kennedy said today that the Democratic party is still the majority party. That means he's been drinking again." --Jay Leno "President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth graders to read at an eight grade level by the time they are in 12th grade." --Jay Leno "The United States has stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So two years of looking, one war and the closest we came to it was a pound and a half of rancid mutton." --David Letterman "We have officially stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And as you know we didn't find any. Thank God we found that out before we did anything crazy! Imagine if we had gone in there before we found that out!" --Jay Leno "So the president doesn't read the papers. The only real information he gets he gets from his loyal aides and even when he goes to a town hall meeting, to meet the people, they have been pre-selected. Our president is living in the 'Truman Show'. Nothing happens around him that isn't planned. I don't even think he knows we're out here watching." --Jon Stewart "The inauguration is coming up. It was announced today that the first lady, Laura Bush's dress will be designed by Oscar De La Renta. And President Bush said he was surprised he said I loved the kid as a boxer I just had no idea...I guess the Bush twins will wear dresses by Badgley Mischka and Dick Chenney's daughter will wear L.L. Bean." --Jay Leno "President Bush announced today that he wanted to institute a test to insure that high school students are reading at their grade level. Bush said the program was necessary because a lot of their students weren't reading at their grade level; they were reading at presidential level." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush admitted today that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote. The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno "President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno "President Bush is getting ready for his inauguration next week. He's working on his speech. Its a pretty good speech. So far all he has is 'ask not what your corporation can do for you but what you can do for your corporation.'" --Jay Leno "They say that the security arrangements for the up coming presidential inauguration will be the most extensive in history. And that's just to keep the Bush twins away from the champagne." --Craig Ferguson "As you know a big shake up over at CBS new over the story about President Bush and the falsified National Guard records. CBS issued a report saying that '60 Minutes' was mislead by an unreliable source. Yeah, I think his name was Dan Rather." --Jay Leno "The independent counsel also said that CBS failed to follow basic journalistic principles in reporting. And then today Fox said 'So?'" --Jay Leno "The people who were fired by CBS news were treated shabbily. They were all forced to get together and form a naked pyramid." --David Letterman "CBS News today has fired four employees for wildly fabricating a news story. The good news: they all got jobs over at Fox." --Craig Ferguson "Did you hear that Mahmoud Abbas was elected president of Palestine? I heard the votes were counted by his brother Jeb Mahmoud Abbas." --David Letterman "Guess who was at the auto show in Detroit opening night? Bill Clinton. And they had the beautiful auto show models, showing the cars, you know. And he was seen talking to one of the models apparently about the price for a hummer." --David Letterman "Palestinians went to the polls and elected a new president, Mahmoud Abbas. And John Kerry was there as an observer. You know same role he played in our last election." --Jay Leno "Four people have been fired over the weekend from CBS over the Dan Rather report on President Bush's National Guard scandal. The network said the four employees were fired for sloppy reporting and incompetent fact checking. But the good news, today all four of them were hired by the New York Times." --Jay Leno "According to rumors down there in Washington, President Clinton and George W. Bush are buddies. They're pals. They're getting together. They're hanging around. They're becoming friends. A lot of people think it may just be Clinton's way of making a move on the Bush twins." --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Jan. 2-8 "President Bush has been working on his inauguration, not the actual speech but the word inaugural." --Jay Leno "San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has announced that he and his wife are getting divorced. See, I know that town should have never allowed straights to get married." --Jay Leno "Donald Trump is introducing a line of hair care products. That's like George Bush publishing a dictionary." --David Letterman "Preparations are in high gear for the Bush inauguration and it's really beginning to look bad now for John Kerry. But everybody at the White House is very excited about the inauguration. Early today the Bush twins picked the designated driver." --David Letterman "Here's the updated concerning Ms. Beazley -- the new puppy at the White House. Today there was a biting incident involving Dick Cheney. But don't worry, the dog's okay" --Craig Ferguson "President Bush and his wife got a new dog today. Isn't that cute? The little rascal has stained the rug in the Oval Office so many times they've had to name him Clinton. ... You know why the president had to get a new dog -- because the old one resigned." --Craig Ferguson "President Bush has begun working on his inauguration day speech. When sworn in he says he will swear to preserve, protect and defend the constitution of the United States, and the treasure map that is drawn on the back." --Jay Leno "Trent Lott, who is in charge of the entertainment for the inaugural ceremony, announced that one of the performers at the event this year will be a singer from the Lawrence Welk show, who will sing a song written by John Ashcroft. Who says Republicans don't know how to party? A singer from the Lawrence Welk show singing a song written by John Ashcroft? If they did that at Guantanamo Bay the Red Cross would declare cruel and unusual punishment." --Jay Leno "Alberto Gonzales, nominee for the U.S. attorney general, answered some tough questions from Congress today about his role in the Iraqi prison torture scandal. But afterwards he said to make himself relax he used that old trick of imagining your audience in their underwear -- with hoods over their heads being led around on a dog leash by a women. It just helps to get your mind clear." --Jay Leno "At the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia tourists can experience what it is like to take the oath of office -- a virtual swearing in station. Your image is up on a giant screen while an actor playing a Supreme Court justice swears you in. It is kinda like a fantasy land for Democrats." --Jay Leno "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his State of the State address last night. He talked about his solution to the high cost of prescriptions drugs. He says stop whining and walk it off -- there is nothing wrong with a tumor you can't walk off so get out and exercise instead of taking the drugs." -- Jay Leno "Congress returned to session yesterday after having a month off. Did you even notice they were gone? See that's when you know you have a government job. There aren't any other jobs where you leave for a month and nobody even realizes you weren't there." -- Jay Leno "There was an animal rights group who asked former President Jimmy Carter to stop fishing. How about that? They told him to stop fishing. This makes him the first president to be told to put his rod away since, well ..." --David Letterman "Some exciting news coming out of Washington. The new cabinet there has exciting new ideas. They have found a way to eliminate Social Security crisis and the war in Iraq -- draft the elderly. There you are." --Craig Ferguson "You may recall immediately after news of the tsunami broke the Bush administration pledged aid to the region in the amount of 15 million dollars. A bold statement to the world that America is willing to spend about as much on the victims of the greatest natural tragedy in recent history as it was willing to spend on the first week of 'Spanglish.'" --Jon Stewart "A prominent Republican, Christine Todd Whitman, who resigned from Bush's cabinet, has written a new book criticizing the right wing's control over the Republican party. It's called 'It's My Party Too: The Battle for the Heart of the GOP.' See that's the part I don't get. Battling for the heart of the Republican Party -- isn't that like fighting for the brain of the Democratic Party?" --Jay Leno "I don't know if anybody got this week's Newsweek but there is an interview in there with John Kerry and in there he says -- this is a quote -- John Kerry says he didn't loose the election, he just didn't win. See that's the clear decisive kind of thinking that made us all love him." --Jay Leno "The Bush administration is proposing a change in the social security system. They want to cut benefits in nearly a third in the next twenty or thirty years. The new program is called 'good luck grandma you're on your own.' You've fallen and you can get up." -Jay Leno "Fidel Castro announced that an oil site with up to 100 million barrels has been found of the coast of Cuba. The only problem is you give the Cubans 100 million barrels the entire population will just float to Miami." --Jay Leno "President Bush was shocked to hear Yushenko won Ukraine's run-off election. He said, 'I didn't even know Weird Al was running.'" --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman See Also: |
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