More Political Jokes • Today's Late-Night Jokes • Late-Night Joke Archive

Related Resources • Iraq Jokes • WMD Jokes • Saddam Hussein Jokes • Osama bin Laden Jokes • George W. Bush Jokes • War on Terror: Full Humor Coverage

See also: Iraq War Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"Earlier today, the Pentagon launched the biggest air attack in Iraq since 2003. The White House said the attack will continue until President Bush's approval rating goes above 40%." --Jay Leno

"We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished." --Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here." --Jay Leno

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey

"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now." --Jay Leno

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq."  --David Letterman

"Do you believe we are addicted to oil? So basically when we invaded Iraq, we didn’t really mean anything, it was just the oil talking. We were under the influence of oil at the time. We just need a 12 step program and we could get out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes." --Jay Leno

"The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years." --David Letterman

"Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans." --David Letterman

"Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover." --Jay Leno

"A rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today, Rumsfeld denied it, saying if you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead." --Conan O'Brien

"According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'" --Jay Leno

"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey

"President Bush getting tough. In his speech at the naval academy he said we will not leave Iraq until we have achieved our goal. He calls this plan 'leave no oil barrel behind.'" --Jay Leno

"In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress -- Republicans! -- are demanding to know the president's exit strategy from Iraq. Yeah, in response the president said I have an exit strategy, I'm leaving office in 2008." --Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey

"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all." --David Letterman

"I think the President is losing it. The BBC is reporting that Bush told a group of Palestinian ministers that God told him to invade Iraq. You see, that's what happens when you mix the New Testament and Old Milwaukee." --Bill Maher

"Now here's surprising and sad news coming out of Iraq. According to reports, Iraqi officials have embezzled $1.2 billion in Pentagon money. $1.2 billion. And Halliburton, when they heard about this, they said hey! Hey! We were going to embezzle that money. That's our money." --David Letterman

"On his way back home from the Middle East, Bush had Air Force One fly over Baghdad — for an hour. That shows how desperate Bush is to find weapons of mass destruction. He's now looking for himself." —Jay Leno

"President Bush set foot on French soil for the first time since the start of the Iraqi war for the G8 Summit in Evian, where thousands of protesters were there to meet him. For those of you who don't know, the G8 Summit gives other nations in the world a chance to express their wishes before we ignore them completely." —Craig Kilborn

"The United Nations has approved the removal of sanctions on Iraq. The lifting of the sanctions will let the Iraqis have a chance to have things they've never had before — like medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"As U.N. sanctions are lifted rumors are swirling in Baghdad that Saddam's son Uday is hiding somewhere in the city — maybe trying to negotiate his surrender with U.S. forces. They're not on the same page. Uday's last offer was 'How about I come to the U.S. and torture your soccer team for free?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Part of the plan to rebuild Iraq is to create an Iraqi stock market. Haven't these people suffered enough." —Craig Kilborn

"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country." —Jay Leno

"The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam Hussein supporters to get them to talk. They’re blaring heavy metal music at them. That should make the artist feel pretty good, huh? Put your heart and soul into your last CD and the Army is using it to torture people." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That's good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddam's three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell aren't we?" —David Letterman

"Iraqi officials are complaining that since the allied troops have kicked out Saddam Hussein, food prices in Iraq have doubled. They say the typical family has to rob two museums just to make ends meet." —Craig Kilborn

"So far we have captured 20 out of the 55 Iraqis in the Iraqi deck of cards. That's pretty good, but we are still missing Saddam Hussein, his two sons, and Sean Penn." —David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Saddam Hussein has released another audiotape. It's Saddam doing a 15- minute monologue, and he closes with a Clinton joke" —David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein's fall has been a good thing for the Iraqi people, but like they say, regime change in Iraq is a lot like eating potato chips — you can't have just one. Which is why less than three weeks after General Jay Garner arrived in Baghdad, President  Bush has changed the regime again. He has named career diplomat John Paul Bremmer special envoy in Iraq. Bremmer will outrank Garner, who is widely expected to act like this was the plan all along." —Jon Stewart

"Here's a pretty good story, one of Saddam Hussein's sons, Qusay, took three tractor-trailer trucks and goes to the bank with a note from his father and steals a billion dollars in cash. The rat bastard! Earlier today he was asked to join the Republican Party." —David Letterman

"President Bush made history yesterday by becoming the first president to land a jet plane on a moving aircraft carrier. First time a president has ever done a tail hook landing. Don't get him confused with President Bill Clinton, who hooked a lot of tail." —Jay Leno

"Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes." —Conan O'Brien

"During an address from the aircraft carrier, the USS Lincoln, President Bush declared the war in Iraq a success saying no terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime because it turns out they didn't have any." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers — they are truly living the American Dream." —David Letterman

"The White House announced today that action in Iraq has entered a new phase. Because of the oil, the plan now is to divide Iraq into two separate areas — full service and self-service." —Jay Leno

"President Bush became the first president to land on an aircraft carrier. He landed in a jet on the Abraham Lincoln. You know, the last time a president landed on something that big, he got impeached." —Jay Leno

"He was on the carrier to give a speech to announce the end of combat in Iraq. Not the end of the war, just the end of combat. Because he warned there's still pockets of resistance: Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon, France, Howard Dean." —Jay Leno

"President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory." —David Letterman

"Speaking on his first visit to Baghdad since the fall of the Iraqi regime, American Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told the Iraqi people that Iraq belongs to them. He promised that U.S. troops will not stay one day longer than is needed to establish a democratic government, or until gas is under a bucket a gallon, either one." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said that he is worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican Party, it's good enough for Iraq." —Jay Leno

"On Thursday, President Bush will declare that the war with Iraq is over, so now he can concentrate on squandering his high approval rating." —David Letterman

Tomorrow President Bush is expected to announce that the war in Iraq is over. As a result, Bush will be able to resume his war on the English language." —Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Secretary of State Colin Powell repeated that the U.S. has no plans to attack Syria or Iran. After hearing this Donald Rumsfeld responded, 'Like he'd know.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Today Iraq's Oil Minister surrendered to U.S. forces. This came as great news to our oil minister, Dick Cheney, who was thrilled." —Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld accused Iraq of hiring Syrians to do the fighting for them, and then the French said, 'You can do that?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Today is Saddam Hussein's 66th birthday. He's celebrating quietly with a few close friends in Hell." —David Letterman

"The defeat of Saddam Hussein may be but the appetizer on a banquet of American whoop-ass. Though the U.S. military has digested and passed an entire Middle Eastern country, it remains slack and drooling for more. Syria, in particular, has been the subject of much saber-rattling among the hawks in the Bush administration, or as they are collectively known — the Bush Administration." —Jon Stewart

"The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country's liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted." —Bill Maher

"Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after." —Jon Stewart

"Did you see those Iraqis making that pilgrimage slashing their foreheads with knives and whipping their backs with chains. See, when Saddam Hussein was around they weren't allowed to make that pilgrimage. If they tried that with Saddam Hussein, he would have slashed their foreheads with knives and whipped their backs with chains." —Jay Leno

"More looting in Iraq today and that’s just by Fox News. A TV engineer for Fox News has been charged with trying to smuggle stolen Iraqi paintings into the U.S. No wonder they got so much good video of all those people looting, they were right there with them. Well, let's just hope his jury is 'fair and balanced' as Fox News." —Jay Leno

"In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called 'GI Joe Millionaire.'" —Conan O'Brien

"There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV." —Craig Kilborn

"Coalition troops have found over $700 million in U.S. dollars during the past week in Baghdad, a temptation that proved too much for American soldiers who were arrested when they tried to steal almost a million of it. I just hope this brazen looting doesn't give the Iraqis any crazy ideas." —Craig Kilborn

"U.S. officials say that the money will be taken to an undisclosed location where Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld will play the coolest Monopoly game ever." —Craig Kilborn

"They now think that three of Saddam Hussein's ex-wives have fled to Syria. Well, there's one place not to look for him." —David Letterman

"American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade Iraq, the whole place is oil and cash. It's like Republican Disneyland." —Jay Leno

"Syria has pledged to help rebuild Iraq. But President Bush has told them to save their money, they might have their own rebuilding project coming up soon." —Jay Leno

"For the first time in three decades the Shiite Muslims marched into the holy city of Karbala Tuesday to mark the death of one of their most revered saints. The pilgrims chanted, swayed, and, yes, cut their heads open in an emotional ritual banned under Saddam Hussein. That bastard! All they ever wanted to do was cut their own heads open." —Jon Stewart

"Two cultural advisers to the administration have resigned in protest. President Bush responded to the situation by saying quote 'I have cultural advisers?'" —Jon Stewart, on the failure of U.S. forces to prevent the looting of priceless treasures from Baghdad's antiquities museum.

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." —Bill Maher

"Bush cancelled the Easter Egg hunt on the lawn of the White House. His people were afraid that, like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, the Easter Eggs would turn out to be something else that Bush can't find." —Bill Maher

More Late Night Jokes
• Iraq War Jokes
• WMD Jokes
• Saddam Jokes
• French Jokes
• Today's Jokes