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Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the residents of the United States of
America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern
yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence,
effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith
over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except Florida,
which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of
Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are
hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
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