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Donald Rumsfeld Jokes
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"Twenty-three years ago two men shook hands [on screen: a 1983 photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein]. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that this week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment -- irrelevance." --Jon Stewart

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time promoting unnecessary conflicts within his own family." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively -- and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?" --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman

"You got to give Rumsfeld credit though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got a full endorsement from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe." --David Letterman

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a speech earlier today, President Bush said that he will continue to fight terror by 'using all the tools available.' Then the president introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the biggest tool of all." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had surgery on his shoulder yesterday. Apparently, he wrenched it while trying to pull his foot out of his mouth." --Jay Leno

"The big story continues to be that seven retired generals have come forward and called for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to step down. In response to that, President Bush said he fully supports Rumsfeld. You know what that means? Sounds like somebody's going on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"That shows the difference between administrations. Bush can't control his generals, whereas Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno

"Rumsfeld is defiant. He says he is not backing down and he says he's going to stick around and let people criticize him for the Iranian invasion." --David Letterman

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman, on Harry Whittington's hunting trip with Dick Cheney

"Over in Kuwait Donald Rumsfeld held a question answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq. One soldier asked him a really tough question, it was kind of embarrassing. He asked why don't we have proper armor for our vehicles. The guy who asked the question was Army Specialist Thomas Wilson. I'm sorry, Latrine Specialist Thomas Wilson. He has been re-assigned." --Jay Leno

Jon Stewart: "Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem? Clip: Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of production and capability to do it."] Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you soldiers driving with no armor get it? Mass times velocity squared equals force. Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy. Clip: Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have not the Army you might want or wish to have." Stewart: "Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in occasionally."

"Donald Rumsfeld held a question and answer session with soldiers on their way to Iraq and one soldier asked why a lot of their vehicles still don't have the proper armor and Rumsfeld said, 'You go to war with the army you have. Not the armor your wish for.' And then he got into his armored car and drove away." --Jay Leno

"Note to Donald Rumsfeld, you might want to cancel the next question and answer session with the troops. Unlike our media, they ask real questions apparently." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad. The bad news for President Bush, he came back ... He told the troops, 'I'm a survivor.' Yeah - a survivor about to be voted off the island." -Jay Leno

"An article came out in New Yorker Magazine that said in order to gather intelligence Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized a secret program that encouraged the sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said the article is outlandish, conspiratorial and full of conjecture. He didn't say it was wrong. He just said all those things." -Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad where he visited Abu Ghraib prison. Apparently, the visit was going well until Rumsfeld took out his camera and said, 'Hey, how about a few pictures?'" -Conan O'Brien

"Rumsfeld visited that famous prison and he said he has all those guards under control now. In fact, he said he's got them all on a very short leash." -Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad this week where he told reporters, 'If anyone thinks I'm here to throw water on a fire, they're wrong.' So, more bad news for Iraqi prisoners who are on fire." -Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad. He was tired of the open hostility in Washington. He just wanted to get away in Iraq. No, he was there to deliver our new policy in Iraq: What happens in Iraq stays in Iraq." -Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva convention on prisoner's rights applies in Iraq, but not for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the difference was Rumsfeld said that nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay." -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said he will not punish Donald Rumsfeld. Which is good, because no one wants to see pictures of a naked, old man." -Craig Kilborn

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that he was responsible for the abuse of the Iraqi prisoners. And today President Bush said the abuse was cruel and disgraceful and an affront to the most basic standards of morality and decency. And then he told Rumsfeld that he was doing a superb job. Then Rumsfeld said, 'What the hell do I gotta do to get fired?'" -Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today that those pictures of Iraqi POW's being humiliated are deeply disturbing. Well dude what else is he going to say, 'Well you know, I found them to be kind of a turn on.'" -Jay Leno

"Today at a speech in New Hampshire, President Bush defended the war in Iraq saying, 'I was not about to leave the security of American people in the hands of madman.' So, I guess he's firing Donald Rumsfeld." -Jay Leno

"In a recent press conference Donald Rumsfeld said that he had no idea that the U.S. was reorganizing the leadership structure in Iraq and that nobody had consulted him. Rumsfeld was furious and said, 'I'm tired of being treated like President Bush.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin." -Tina Fey

"Speaking on his first visit to Baghdad since the fall of the Iraqi regime, American Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told the Iraqi people that Iraq belongs to them. He promised that U.S. troops will not stay one day longer than is needed to establish a democratic government, or until gas is under a bucket a gallon, either one." -Jay Leno

"In a new interview, Secretary of State Colin Powell repeated that the U.S. has no plans to attack Syria or Iran. After hearing this Donald Rumsfeld responded, 'Like he'd know.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he believes Syria is harboring former members of Saddam's regime. When asked if Syria was next after Iraq, Rumsfeld said, 'It depends on people's behavior. Certainly, I have nothing to announce.' A dark hint from Rumsfeld, who is the only high ranking member of the U.S. government to speak entirely in dark hints." -Jon Stewart

"Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchair generals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called real generals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. Donald Rumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conference earlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to get people to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times and drop it from airplanes." -Jon Stewart

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**k he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" -Jon Stewart

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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