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Supreme Court Jokes
Late-Night Jokes About the U.S. Supreme Court
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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"Now the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Anna Nicole Smith. Guess that lapdance for Clarence Thomas paid off." --David Letterman

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there." --David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

"Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B." --David Letterman

"Samuel Alito, who is widely agreed to be conservative, intelligent and competent, and President Bush said he would be willing to overlook those facts this time." --Bill Maher

"President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back." --Jay Leno

"She's never been a judge before, never served on the bench. This is part of President Bush's strategy of also surrounding himself with people who are also in over their heads." --Jay Leno, on Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers

"President Bush chose Harriet Miers to be his next nominee to the Supreme Court. You know what we know about Harriet Miers? Her name is Harriet Miers." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced that the public would not be allowed see the memos produced by John Roberts when he represented the United States government as a lawyer. They say this is because of the attorney-client privilege. Here's the part I don't understand -- he represented the United States, we're the client, he's our lawyer, shouldn't we be allowed see our own notes?" --Jay Leno

"I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman

"President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"You realize (John Roberts) is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien

"Here's what we know about John Roberts -- he's a conservative and, as a small town judge, he once outlawed dirty dancing." --David Letterman

"Last night (President Bush) unveiled his pick with his mastery of the rhetorically obvious. [clip of Bush:'"When a president chooses a justice he's placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law.'] So you're going with a human are you? Eeeeeeexcellent." --Jon Stewart

"After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

"John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman

"The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno

"Last night President Bush picked Judge John Roberts to be his nominee to the Supreme Court. The name was actually leaked to the press a couple hours earlier. That Karl Rove is unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his Supreme Court pick. Isn't that exciting? ... President Bush announced that he has nominated Judge John Roberts to the court. When asked why, Bush said he picked Roberts because he has one of the finest legal minds since Matlock." --Conan O'Brien

"Chief Justice William Rehnquist was hospitalized last night with a slight fever. Doctors have worked out a compromise so he can still work. They're going to give him a judge's robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno

"Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring from the Supreme Court and now a number of special interest groups are pressuring President Bush on the selection for Supreme Court nominees. Some want Bush to nominate a women, some want a man, some want an African American, some want a Caucasian. You know what that means, who the perfect nomination is? Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno

"Sandra Day O'Connor announced she is retiring from the Supreme Court. She is 75 years old. That's going to be a drastic lifestyle change, you know, from sitting in the Supreme Court in a black robe all day to sitting in front of the TV in a flowered robe all day; watching Judge Judy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has agreed to meet with a bipartisan group of senators to discuss who he will appoint to the Supreme Court. The president says so far he has it down to Judge Reinhold and Judge Judy." --Conan O'Brien

"Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that sex orgies relieve tension and should be encouraged. Apparently, Justice Scalia got into group sex in 2000, after he and a group of four other justices got together and f----d Al Gore." --Bill Maher

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has refused to recuse himself to the case involving Dick Cheney simply because he went duck hunting with Dick Cheney. He said, 'If it is reasonable to think a Supreme Court Justice can be bought so cheap than this nation is in deeper trouble than I thought, and besides, I already cashed the check.'" —Bill Maher

"John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win." —Jay Leno

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different — his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment today for Vice President Dick Cheney — as he went through the White House metal detector this morning, security made him empty his pockets and out fell Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia." —Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court listened to arguments about whether Vice President Cheney can prevent documents from his Energy Task Force from being released to the public. The Supreme Court feels that it's a separation of powers issue, do you know what that means? ... It means that the people that don't have any power shouldn't be able to find out what the people in power are doing." —Jay Leno

"The final margin in the sate of Florida: 5 votes to 4 votes. The thing about that, it's an 11 percent victory margin for George W. Bush…but it looks like one of the most surprising things about this Florida vote is that George W. Bush got 100 percent of the African American vote." Jon Stewart, on the majority U.S. Supreme Court ruling joined by Justice Clarence Thomas

"You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around." —Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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