Democratic Convention Schedule

Denver, Colorado

4:00 PM – Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM – Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM – Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM – Ceremonial Terrorist Fist-Jab led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM – Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire – Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM – Jesse Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing "Great Balls of Fire"
5:00 PM – UFO Abduction Survival Tips – Dennis Kucinich
5:15 PM – John Edwards Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Hotel Bathroom
5:30 PM – Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Emperors VIP Club
5:45 PM – Tribute to All 57 States Obama Has Visited
6:00 PM – Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Acceptance Speech Featuring a 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
8:30 PM – Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
8:45 PM – Hillary Clinton Releases Her Delegates and Flying Monkeys
9:00 PM – Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM – Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo – Michael Moore
9:30 PM – Exclusive Panties-Optional Celebrity Party Hosted by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar – Congressman William "Cold Cash" Jefferson
10:00 PM – Denunciation of Bitter and Clingy Gun Owners
10:30 PM – Ceremonial Denial of Progress in Iraq and Waving of White Flag
11:00 PM – Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM – Free Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick Pep Rally
11:30 PM – Al Gore Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM – Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish – Obama Presiding
12:00 AM – Official Nomination of Obama via Text Message Sent by Scarlett Johansson
12:01 AM – Barack Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior
12:05 AM – Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM – Hillary Clinton Delivers Acceptance Speech

~By Daniel Kurtzman