God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict
Bush to Be Smitten Later Today
In a stunning development this morning, God
invoked the "one nation under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance
to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to
George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets
off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm
sure as hell not going to lay back and let Bush get away with this
bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now
that the exact votecount in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I
DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by
exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's
unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards
Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing
God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic
over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a
divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust,
and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God
responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT
ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for
every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter
confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin'
idiot." "Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for
Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name
them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
The Lord then went on to note that he was
displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would
officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the
Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of
his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former
presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with
deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
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