Republican Convention Schedule

Minneapolis, MN

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers and Massages Administered by Rev. Ted Haggard
4:05 PM - Presentation of Confederate Colors
4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to 9/11
4:15 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
4:30 PM - George W. Bush Speech on Legacy of Peace and Prosperity, Canceled
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney Instructional Seminar on Waterboarding, Canceled
5:00 PM - Karl Rove Speech on Government Accountability, Canceled
5:15 PM - Tribute to the U.S. Constitution, Canceled
5:30 PM - VP Beauty Contest and Swimsuit Competition, featuring Sarah Palin, Condoleezza Rice, and Rudy Giuliani
5:45 PM - Tribute Film to John McCain's Houses
6:00 PM - Free Jack Abramoff Pep Rally
6:15 PM - Free Tom DeLay Pep Rally
6:30 PM - Free Ted Stevens Pep Rally
6:45 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
7:00 PM - VP Briefing Session: The Busy Mom's Guide to Battling Islamic Terrorism
7:15 PM - Larry Craig "Family Values" Lecture and Toe-Tapping Exhibition
7:30 PM - Restroom Break
7:45 PM - Invitation to "Strip Down and Get Relaxed," delivered by Mark Foley via Instant Message
8:00 PM - Lecture on the Effectiveness of Abstinence-Only Education – Sarah Palin
8:15 PM - Accidental Reference to "Obama bin Laden"
8:30 PM - Tribute to a "Nation of Whiners" – McCain Economic Adviser Phil Gramm
8:45 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
9:00 PM - Group Sing–Along: "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran"
9:15 PM - Mitt Romney Endorsement of Jockey Underwear
9:30 PM - Joke Interlude: McCain Tells the One About the Lawyer and the Catfish
9:45 PM - Rallying Call to "Drill Here, Drill Now," Followed by Unveiling of an Oil Rig on Speaker's Platform
10:00 PM - Halliburton Seminar: Profiting from the Next 100 Years of War in Iraq
10:15 PM - Parade of Alaskan Delegates Across Glitter-Encrusted Bridge to Nowhere, led by Sarah Palin
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Shattering of Glass Ceiling with Shotgun Blast Fired by Palin
11:00 PM - John McCain Acceptance Speech and Plea to Delegates to "Get Off My Lawns"
11:30 PM - Closing Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
12:00 AM - Rapture and Farewell to Bush and Cheney

~By Daniel Kurtzman