| Late-Night Political Jokes | |||||||
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Browse Recent Jokes "The economy here in the United States is in very bad shape, but President Bush isn't sweating it. Partly because he believes the bad news is being exaggerated and partly because he has the intellect of a Golden Retriever." --Jimmy Kimmel "According to the latest Reuters-Zogby poll, 10% of Americans are giving President Bush's economic policy the thumbs up. The other 90% [are] using a different finger." --Jay Leno "You know, sometimes when President Bush speaks, he does not use the best choice of words. You know? Like, today, he said the financial institutions are basically sound, and you can take that to the bank. -Jay Leno Is that the answer? Let me tell you something, okay? The last president allegedly had a magic wand. You saw how much trouble he got into. So don't even go there." --Jay Leno "Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don't want to say the financial situation doesn't look good, but he testified via satellite from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno "And more financial confusion today. Did you hear about this? Unbelievable. Apparently, the government tried to bail out Tyra Banks. Yeah, so I don't know. They get confused." -Jay Leno "See, here's the part I don't understand. The feds say federal institutions are in trouble for giving money to those already in debt. That's the problem. They gave money to those already in debt. So, why are we paying taxes? Who's more in debt than the government? What, are they $9 trillion in debt? We're giving them more money? We're enablers. We need to stop this." --Jay Leno "Oil prices have dropped again, making it the third day in a row. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell the guy who owns the gas station near my house." -=Jay Leno "Analysts say they're not sure why oil prices are falling. But, today, Dick Cheney vowed to get to the bottom of this! Heads will roll!" --Jay Leno "Yesterday down in the White House lawn, President Bush and all the boys about the together and had a t-ball game. Anybody here ever play t-ball? Let me tell you, one inning of t-ball is the most exciting three hours in sports. And the t-ball, they had a great time. Everybody was going well until Vice President Cheney waterboarded the umpire." -=David Letterman "They are playing t-ball on the lawn of the White House. George Bush and the Vice President and Condoleezza, all the folks down there playing t-ball. Beautiful summer day playing t-ball. Let's see, we've got bank failures all over the United States. Record oil prices. A war with no end in sight. Well sure, let's play some t-ball. Let's go" --David Letterman "Of course, presidential race is on everyone's mind. Barack Obama works hard the wants to stay in shape. Presidential nominee Barack Obama has been going to the gym. He's also been playing hours of basketball. Yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers." --Conan O'Brien "Barack Obama is planning a trip to visit Iraq and several other middle east countries. Yeah. Obama says he is excited about the trip, mainly because he's looking forward to meeting other people named Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien "Ralph Nader in the news this week. Ralph Nader announced that he is certified to be on the presidential ballot in 12 states. However, doctors say that Nader is certifiable in all 50 states." --Conan O'Brien July 16, 2008 "With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That's a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he's giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn't that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? 'Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'" --Jay Leno "President Bush said in his press conference our nation's troubled financial system is basically sound. Really? I mean, banks have folded, mortgage lenders are going under. Basically sound? I think 'basically screwed' is probably more [accurate]." --Jay Leno "Barack Obama announced today he's gonna visit Israel. He said he's going to stop at the West Bank. To which Bush said, 'the West Bank?' Is that one going under, too?" --Jay Leno "John McCain spoke to the NAACP today. He went by his rap name, Ol' Cranky Bastard. No, he followed Barack Obama, who spoke there two days ago. McCain had to follow Barack Obama at the NAACP. That's like Wilford Brimley trying to follow Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards." --Jay Leno "Well, actually, the latest polls show Barack Obama and John McCain are dead even. Dead even. See, what happened was Obama moved to the right and McCain moved to the left and they became the same person." --Jay Leno "Well, you know what's interesting, McCain has admitted he does not use email or the internet. Yeah. He says he's never really found the need to use e-mail 'cause if people want to reach him they can just get him on his CB radio." --Jay Leno "Are you folks excited about the presidential race? The Democrats look like they're going to be nominating Barack Obama, the Democrat Barack Obama, yes. And Republicans, John McCain is going to be the nominee, probably. Listen to this, John McCain has now vowed to capture Osama bin Laden. Well, by God, I'm glad that's settled." --David Letterman "But while you were getting high at 10:20 a.m., still-President Bush gave an impromptu press conference, to talk about the economy. But why 10:20? Well, he obviously hoped to have it wrapped up before 'The Price is Right' gets started. [In Bush voice] I like the way that little man yodels while he climbs the Price Mountain. I always say, I always say, 'Don't go up there, it's dangerous up there!' And of course, 10:20 was the exact time that Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke was telling Congress his take on the economy. What? Scheduling gaffe! I mean, won't the President's talk overshadow the impact of the Fed Chairman's testimony? I mean, I'm sure they're just saying pretty much the same thing, right? [on-screen: Quick jump cuts between footage of Bush and Bernanke, in which the optimistic Bush contradicts Bernanke's more dour assessments]. Wow! Wow! That was cool - it was such an interesting dynamic. One is like a 'glass half-full' kind of a guy, and the other, is an expert on the economy." --Jon Stewart "C'mon Mr. President, things are rough! There's a fuel crisis, right? Try and put a smiley face on the fuel crisis. [on-screen: Bush saying 'It's interesting what the price of gasoline has done, it's caused people to drive less. The marketplace works.'] [In Bush voice] It's interesting what the mortgage crisis has done. It's getting more people to live outside. The marketplace works ... The President is standing on economic principle -- free market! Times are tough, talk to the invisible hand! Supply and demand. For instance, the supply of people outside this bank demanding their money [on-screen: people lined up outside IndyMac]. This of course, IndyMac Bank of Pasadena. It's failing. It's a shame ... What! Federal control of a bank? You maniacs!" --Jon Stewart "According to a new poll -- true story -- most voters think Barack Obama has a better smile than John McCain. That's what they're saying. They say he has a better smile than John McCain. Yeah, apparently, this is because McCain takes his smile out every night and puts it in a glass of water." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday at the White House, President Bush gave a press conference about the economy. He said we're in, 'a time of uncertainty.' Yeah. Yeah, then Bush said, 'you know, like that moment after 'Dora the Explorer' ends, but before 'Spongebob' starts?' You're not sure, you don't know what's happening" --Conan O'Brien "Senator John McCain of Arizona was a little bit confused twice in the last two days as he has made references to the country of Czechoslovakia. Unfortunately, Czechoslovakia has not existed for about 15 years -- it's now two countries called the Czech Republic and Slovakia. You'd think a man who was able to memorize every item on the early bird menu at Cocos could get it straight" --Jimmy Kimmel July 15, 2008 "Did you see that Indymac Bank that collapsed here in California? All those poor people waiting in line -- my God. But the Feds say not to worry if your money's in a bank, because the government will guarantee it will be there. Remember, they also guaranteed WMDs and guaranteed New Orleans that FEMA would show up. Consider the source!" --Jay Leno "I'll tell you something, I think this scandal's a lot worse than the government is admitting. Like today, I went to the bank, not only did they not have my money, they also wanted me to give back the blender they gave me when I opened the account. Man, who would ever guess that those e-mail scams from Nigeria would be more reliable than your local bank?" --Jay Leno "President Bush spoke about the economy today. Did you hear what President Bush said today? He said, 'I am not an expert.' Not an economist? He's barely even a president. I just wish he had one area of expertise he was good at, you know? Maybe like whittling, something." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, President Bush lifted the executive ban on drilling for oil in certain parts of the country. ... Now, don't confuse that with President Clinton. He was the first to lift the executive ban on drilling in the Oval Office. That was totally different." --Jay Leno "Well, we're learning more and more about Barack Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle. In an interview, Barack Obama revealed that he and Michelle had their first kiss while sitting on a curb after he bought her a Baskin Robbins ice cream, and then they kissed. I think that's nice. Usually, when you see a guy buying a date an ice cream cone and asking her for a kiss, it's on 'Dateline: Predator.'" --Jay Leno "Today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that's good enough for me. Come on, let's go to the park." --David Letterman "By the way, during that last joke, Brett Farve came out of retirement and then retired again. I don't know. I feel bad for the guy. Brett Farve says he has reconsidered his decision to retire and he wants to get back in the game. Today, Hillary Clinton said, you can do that?" --David Letterman "In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama called for African-Americans to be better parents. Yeah. That's what he said. Obama said not all black children can be raised by Angelina Jolie. You have to do your part. That's what he said. That's a quote." --Conan O'Brien "John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, 'You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia." --Conan O'Brien "Barack Obama is the subject of a controversial cartoon on the cover of New Yorker magazine. This is the cartoon [on screen: picture of the cover]. They say it's a satirical cover that addresses [the fact that] some people think he's a Muslim. ... In other Obama controversy news, political talk show John McLaughlin is under fire for saying this [on screen: McLaughlin says Obama is what some people would consider an "oreo" because of his heritage]. ... I think Oreo's are delicious. I love them, but McLaughlin is getting a lot of heat. He said he meant no offense, he was just trying to say that Obama would be delicious dunked in a glass of milk. A very fine line when it comes to race and politics" --Jimmy Kimmel "Tonight is a night of celebration. This great land we live in has reached an exciting milestone in the war on terror [on screen: news coverage saying that the terror watch list added its 1 millionth person]. ... The terror watch list is hitting the big 1-0-0-0-0-0, oh! You know that expression 'kick ass and take names?' It turns out this country is really good at one of those. We take a lot of names. It really is an incredible accomplishment." --Jon Stewart "Let's try and put it in perspective if we can. A million people on the terrorist watch list. If you were to take all the people that our government suspects of terrorism and stack them, one on top of the other, that would be considered an acceptable method of interrogation, according to the Justice Department." --Jon Stewart "And by the way, a million people on the list, but it is a tightly managed list [on screen: news coverage of Bush removing Nelson Mandela from the list]. That's good news. The 90-year-old Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, no longer considered a terror threat. Still on the list, of course, painter of light Thomas Kinkade, Elmo's friend Zoe, and Alan Alda." --Jon Stewart "With a million names on the list, how do you find out if you are on the list? If you are a terrorist? If you are being watched? It's very simple. Go online and Google the 'terrorist screening database' and scroll down to the end. By the time you get to the end, you'll probably be on it." --Jon Stewart "Like a lot of people, I get my news from the 'Daily Show.' I think Jon Daily is terrific. But sometimes when the 'Daily Show' gets a little snarky or ideological or self-referential, I tune out. That's when I turn to my second source of news, the cartoon. ... But, of course, what I and so many other aficionados of the two-dimensional art form forget is the dark side [on screen: news coverage about the backlash against the latest New Yorker cover]. ... So, provocative cover from a smarty-pants magazine. Wow. It won't be long before everyone sees this thing framed in their kids' psychiatrist's office. It's a trifle. It's nothing. There are so many other things to talk about. Iraq, the collapse of some of our most prestigious financial institutions, right? [on screen: coverage from many news outlets of the backlash against the magazine cover]. Threat or menace? Stinky or poopy?" --Jon Stewart "Obama's camp initially agreed that the cartoon was, quote, tasteless and offensive. Really? You know what your response should have been? It's very easy. Here, let me put the statement out for you. Barack Obama is in no way upset about the cartoon that depicts him as a Muslim extremist, because you know who gets upset about cartoons? Muslim extremists. Of which Barack Obama is not. It's just a f**king cartoon." --Jon Stewart "But as always, nowhere was the anger at the media hotter than in the media [on screen: news coverage talking about how the McCain and Obama campaigns find the cover offensive]. Good for you, media. You should be outraged. How dare the New Yorker magazine present horrible misperceptions about Barack Obama without clearly stating whether or not the allegations are true. That is so your job [on screen: members of the media talking about Obama being a Muslim and having been schooled in a madrassa, among other allegations]. Now we know where the real two dimensional figures are. Television" --Jon Stewart "Nation, I'm sure you've all seen it by now, the controversial cover of this week's New Yorker magazine. It's Barack Obama dressed up as a Muslim terrorist, fist-bumping his AK-47-toting wife, while an American flag burns in the Oval Office fireplace with a picture of Osama bin Laden on the wall. I am torn here. On the one hand, I like this because I finally understand a cartoon in the New Yorker. It's funny because it's true. On the other hand, my name is getting dragged through this mudfight. Just listen to Senior Editor Hendrick Hertzberg's defense of this cover [on screen: Hertzberg likening the cover to something one would see on 'The Stephen Colbert Show']. What? I want to point out he didn't say 'The Colbert Report.' He said 'The Stephen Colbert Show.' Well, thanks, Hendrick, for blowing the surprise about my new weekly comedy-variety hour, 'The Stephen Colbert Show.' I already shot the pilot. I do it all. Dance, sing, ice skate, contort, and do 'Who's on First' with Charo. Well, you know what? You know what? Forget it. I'm never even going to show it now. You can blame the New Yorker just like you can blame them when your dog makes you pay for a psychiatrist" --Stephen Colbert July 14, 2008 "Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific." --Jay Leno "Remember Jesse Jackson speaking, when he thought the microphone was off, said he'd like to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And in a rare example of bipartisan support, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho offered to guard them for Obama. How about that?" --Jay Leno "The New Yorker magazine is coming under fire for this week's cover, showing Barack Obama in a turban, Michelle Obama with a machine gun, and a burning American flag in the fireplace. Show the cover, look at this, look at this [on-screen: The New Yorker cover in question]. It's supposed to be satire, and, yeah, people are really upset. Even Jesse Jackson went, 'What the hell are you thinking?'" "John McCain's economic adviser, former Texas Senator Phil Gramm, was also coming under fire for calling America a 'nation of whiners.' That's what he said, we are a nation of whiners. President Bush weighed on the issue today, again he doesn't understand these things. Bush said today we are not whiners, the average American still prefers beer, that's what he said today." --Jay Leno "President Bush lifted the presidential ban on offshore drilling that was imposed by his father, the first President Bush, 18 years ago. But hey, remember Bush's dad also said invading Iraq would be a huge disaster, and cutting taxes would ruin the economy, so what the hell did he know?" --Jay Leno "Well, President Bush did some research this past weekend, in order to better educate himself on whether or not to drill for oil in Alaska. He said he did technical research on the latest drilling technologies. Ok, he just went to see 'Journey to the Center of the Earth.'" --Jay Leno "California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said today he would be interested in serving as Barack Obama's energy czar. At least I think that's what he said, he might have said (Ahnuld voice), 'Yeah, I'd like to have an energy bar,' I don't what he, it wasn't clear, I couldn't understand." --Jay Leno "Here's kind of an embarrassing moment on the campaign trail today, somebody gave Senator John McCain one of those new iPhones, and McCain thought it was a clicker for the garage door, yeah, isn't really a high-tech." --Jay Leno "No, a pastor in Frankfort, Kentucky, has been arrested for using poisonous snakes in his sermon. You ever seen those? Using poisonous snakes. God, just when Barack Obama thought he found a church, this happens, he has the worst luck." --Jay Leno "In a brand new interview, John McCain admits that his staff has to show him websites because he has trouble getting on the Internet by himself. That's what he said. Yeah, yesterday McCain tried to surf the Internet for half an hour before his staff told him he was actually holding an Etch-A-Sketch." --Conan O'Brien "You can read more about the Phil Gramm-influenced McCain plan to fix the economy in his new position paper 'Walk It Off, America: My Ten-Point Plan For You P*ssies to Learn To Suck it Up.' Seriously! Phil Gramm's comment is offensive in two ways. One, it's insensitive, and two, how does an economic expert not understand, that most of our whining jobs have already gone to India." --Jon Stewart, on Gramm saying that we are a "nation of whiners" and that we're in a "mental recession" "Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he's Jewish has gone from none to 1%. [on screen: Obama dressed as Jewish Eastern European tinker next to a menorah]. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of 'Fiddler on the Roof,' and you're typecast for life" --Stephen Colbert July 11, 2008 "John McCain's economic adviser, former Sen. Phil Gramm, is under fire for calling Americans a bunch of whiners. He also said the country is in a mental recession. Apparently we're experiencing a mental slowdown. Kind of like President Bush." --Jay Leno "President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. Apparently no more." -Jay Leno "The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off." --Jay Leno "I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?" --Jay Leno "Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary." --Jay Leno "Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, 'Keep your hands where I can see them!'" --Jay Leno "Today's New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be President because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien "Jesse Jackson says he's trying to put his remarks about cutting Barack Obama's nuts off behind him and he says that Obama has accepted his apology. In fact, if he's elected, Obama says he'll appoint Jesse Jackson Secretary of 'Nut Cutting.'" --Conan O'Brien "This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players." --Conan O'Brien July 10, 2008 "If you haven't heard by now, on Fox News the other day, during an interview, Jesse Jackson, not realizing the mic was open, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama. I can't say what he said, I'm paraphrasing, he said he would like to 'cut his testicles off.' That's paraphrasing, he used another word. Well today, Hillary Clinton commented on the remarks, by saying, 'I don't know what the big deal is, I say that to Bill at least once a week.'" --Jay Leno "Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America 'a nation of whiners' and said the country is only in a 'mental recession.' Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house -- that's all in your mind!" --Jay Leno "Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I've got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don't know, last night Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. That's what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News." --Conan O'Brien July 9, 2008 "Jesse Jackson is now apologizing to Barack Obama for some extremely crude comments he made about Obama after an interview on Fox News. Jackson didn't know the microphone was on and he said some nasty stuff. So yet another reverend Obama has to distance himself from. What is this, this guy has the worst luck with preachers of anybody I know! Oh man!" --Jay Leno "This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages." --Jay Leno "Barack Obama's daughters were interviewed for 'Access Hollywood, and now, right after they did the interview, Obama says he regrets allowing them to be interviewed for television. Says he regrets it. Yeah, John McCain says he also regrets allowing his daughters to be interviewed on television, take a look [on-screen: Two elderly women looking in camera, one with a walker. The other says 'We're voting for Truman!' as her 'sister' smiles and nods)." --Conan O'Brien July 8, 2008 "Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 on Sunday. 62 years old. ... He is now twice his approval rating, that's amazing." --Jay Leno "Listen to this, among the catering guidelines for the green convention, this is true, there will be no fried foods at the Democratic convention. And today, Al Gore announced he's switching his support to John McCain. He said 'That's it, you're a bunch of global warming fanatics!'" --Jay Leno "Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien July 7, 2008 "Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening " --Jay Leno "And here's a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That's what he said, stupid thing, that's what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate." --Jay Leno "Over the Fourth of July, did you hear this, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former president Thomas Jefferson. That's right, yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when President Bush said 'I'd like to salute both President Thomas Jefferson and his wife Wheezy.'" --Conan O'Brien ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman |
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2008 Campaign Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
John McCain Jokes
George Bush Jokes
