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Rick Perry Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Texas Gov. Rick Perry

By

Rick Perry's Got A Gun
See Also:
Dumb Rick Perry Quotes
Funny Pictures of the GOP Candidates
Best Jokes about the GOP Candidates

"Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry's presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they're now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain & I forget the third thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part." -Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance..." –Jay Leno

"Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it." -Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: “11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one." -Conan O'Brien

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." -Jay Leno

"I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president." -Jay Leno

"I'm worried about Rick Perry. For one, I'm worried that maybe he's too conservative. Two, I worry a little bit about his debating skills. And three, I — Oh, what was three?" -David Letterman

"Everybody's talking about Rick Perry’s "performance" at the Republican debate. He had a brain freeze trying to name the three — I forgot what I was talking about." -Craig Ferguson

"Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney." -Craig Ferguson

"I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember." -Craig Ferguson

"Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor." -Jimmy Fallon

"Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won’t even remember them." -Jimmy Fallon

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote." -- Stephen Colbert

"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the sh*t out of America."

[Clip about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: "He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."] Jon Stewart: "And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor."

"Why would the Josh Brolin character from 'W.' be running for....what!? That's a real guy?" –Jon Stewart on Rick Perry

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference." –Jay Leno

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod. I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be." –Jimmy Kimmel

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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