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Barack Obama Quotes

Funny Quotes from President Barack Obama

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Barack Obama, Comedian

Barack Obama, Comedian

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"These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I'm not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be." --at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"I know Republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. And look, call me self-centered, but I can think of one minority they could start with. Hello? Think of me as a trial run, you know? See how it goes." --at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"Some folks still don't think I spend enough time with Congress. 'Why don't you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?' they ask. Really? Why don't you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?" --at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let's not forget that's a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush." --at the 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"The White House Correspondents' Dinner is known as the prom of Washington D.C. -- a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom." --at the 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?" --ribbing Donald Trump at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"Everyone please take your seats, or else Clint Eastwood will yell at them." --at the 2012 Al Smith Dinner

"Ultimately though, tonight's not about the disagreements Governor Romney and I may have. It's what we have in common, beginning with our unusual names. Actually Mitt is his middle name. I wish I could use my middle name." --at the 2012 Al Smith Dinner

"Monday's [presidential] debate is a little bit different because the topic is foreign policy. Spoiler Alert: We got Bin Laden." --at the 2012 Al Smith Dinner

"Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --on John McCain's attacks, Raleigh, North Carolina, Oct. 29, 2008

"But I have to say tonight's venue isn't really what I'm used to. I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium, and can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?" --at the Al Smith Dinner (See the video and transcript)

Poking fun at Sarah Palin: "I do love the Waldorf-Astoria, though. You know, I hear that from the doorstep you can see all the way to the Russian tea room." --at the Al Smith Dinner

On his image: "Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth. Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome." --at the Al Smith Dinner

"Yesterday, John McCain actually said that if he's president that he'll take on, and I quote, 'the old boys network in Washington.' Now I'm not making this up. This is somebody who's been in Congress for twenty-six years, who put seven of the most powerful Washington lobbyists in charge of his campaign. And now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna' to take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come, on!" (Watch video clip)

"Sen. McCain bragged about how as chairman of the Commerce Committee in the Senate, he had oversight of every part of the economy. Well, all I can say to Sen. McCain is, 'Nice job. Nice job.' Where is he getting these lines? The lobbyists running his campaign? ... I'm not making this up, you can't make this up. It's like a 'Saturday Night Live' routine."

"I mean, you know, as somebody who used to be on the cover of Time and Newsweek, you know. Those were the days." --musing with David Letterman about the Sarah Palin phenomenon

"I've been called worse on the basketball court." --on attacks against him at the Republican Convention

"Well, if you've got book sales of 25 million..." --after being asked by Rev. Rick Warren, best-selling author of "The Purpose-Driven Life," to define "rich." Obama's remark drew laughter and a high-five from Warren

"That's what he talked about yesterday, 'I want to drill here. I want to drill now.' I don't know where he was standing. I think he was in a building somewhere." --on John McCain's energy plan

"You notice that people who've been in Washington too long, they don't talk like ordinary folks,. We had this debate in Las Vegas, and somebody asked me, What are your weaknesses?' So I said, Well, you know, I don't keep track of paper that well, I'm always losing paper, my desk is a mess.' And then they asked the next two candidates. And one candidate says, Well, my biggest weakness is I'm just so passionate about helping poor people.' And then the other one says, I'm just so impatient to help the American people solve their problems.' So then I realize well, I wish I'd gone last and then I would have known.. I'm stupid that way, I thought that when they asked what your biggest weakness was, they asked what your biggest weakness was. And now I know that my biggest weakness is I like to help old ladies across the street."

"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything." --posing for a picture with supporters in Indiana, when he apparently felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket, against which one woman was closely pressed

"They say I need to be seasoned; they say I need to be stewed. They say, 'We need to boil all the hope out of him -- like us -- and then he'll be ready.'" (Watch video clip)

"Three words: Vice President Oprah" –the #1 item from Barack Obama's Top Ten Campaign Promises, which he presented on the Letterman show

"I have nothing to hide, I enjoy being myself. I'm not going to change who I am just because it's Halloween." –appearing as himself on Saturday Night Live as part of a skit that featured Hillary Clinton dressed as a witch at a Halloween party

"But the truth is when you really get to know Rahm, he does have a softer side, Amy will attest to this; very few people know, I think, know prior to this evening that he studied Ballet for a few years. In fact, he was the first to adopt Machiavelli's the prince for dance. It was an intriguing piece, as you can imagine, there were a lot of kicks below the waist." -roasting his future chief of staff Rahm Emaneul in 2005 (Watch video clip)

"Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point." (Watch video clip)

"It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you." –to Jon Stewart

"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (Watch video clip)

"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon."

"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother." --on whether Bill Clinton was "our first black president"

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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