Bill Clinton Jokes

"Bill Clinton's spokesperson confirmed that he has had talks with NBC about doing his own daytime talk show. He'd have to do daytime, because you can't do late-night without doing Clinton jokes." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Bush was at Mt. Rushmore. Don't confuse this with former President Clinton who was just in a rush to mount more." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton was busy over the weekend at a casino where he was playing saxophone. It's hard to believe, isn't it, that since this guy has left office he's actually become less classy." —David Letterman

"Playing saxophone at the grand opening of the Mohegan Sun Casino was Bill Clinton — or, as the Indians call him, 'Dancing with Cows.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday was Earth Day, and President Bush planted some seeds. See, that's the difference between Bush and Clinton. Clinton was a much bigger environmentalist. He didn't just plant his seeds one day, he planted them every day." —Jay Leno

"President Clinton wants to buy a condo here in Manhattan. I'm thinking, just pray to God he doesn't buy the place above you. In the middle of the night, you could hear that 200-pound intern drop to her knees." —David Letterman

"Former President Clinton's dog, Buddy, got run over recently. Very sad. Hillary said today she feels terrible, because she was aiming at Bill." —Jay Leno

"More evidence that the ice shelf down there on the South Pole is breaking up after 50 million years. The Clintons are staying together, but the ice shelf is breaking up. Go figure that out." —David Letterman

"Over the weekend President Clinton's dog Buddy died. It is a heartbreaking thing because Buddy was a great dog. Buddy could rollover, Buddy would beg. Buddy could catch things in his mouth — wait a minute — I'm sorry. I am thinking of Monica." —David Letterman

"Chelsea Clinton has been spotted all over town recently at New York's hottest single bars. When asked about it, Chelsea said 'hey, I'm just trying to spend a little quality time with my Dad'" —Conan O'Brien "This Paula Jones woman is unbelievable. She says yes to posing nude in Playboy. She says yes to boxing Tonya Harding. The only thing too sleazy for her is President Clinton." —Jay Leno

"Bush announced he's pulled out of the 1978 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. ... I think this is the biggest thing a president has pulled out of since Monica" —David Letterman

"Ari Fleischer apologized this week for statements that implied that Bill Clinton's failed peace plan was to blame for the current Mid East violence. What is wrong with these Republicans? Let's go over the Clinton administration again. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [the word 'violence' appears]. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [shows the 'Enron' symbol]. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [shows a chart of the Dow Jones going down]. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [show picture of Hillary Clinton]" —Tina Fey

"In Little Rock, Arkansas, they began ground breaking for the Bill Clinton presidential library ... as I understand, Clinton is staining the wood himself." —Jay Leno

"In Washington, it turns out there are still traces of anthrax in the Senate office building. Wouldn't it be ironic if, after all these years of living with Bill, Hillary winds up catching something from the Senate." —Jay Leno

"The Northern Alliance have been going from cave to cave looking for bin Laden. They found one of his old hideouts, and what they found inside was fascinating. It was full of boxes of macaroni and extra-large sized underpants. Coincidentally, it's the same thing George Bush found when he moved into the Oval Office" —David Letterman

"President Bush says human cloning is morally wrong. Surprisingly, this is one area where both he and former President Clinton actually agree. In fact, Clinton said today that he believes humans should be created the old-fashioned way, liquored up in a cheap motel." —Jay Leno

"According to the White House information center, the former president of Afghanistan was castrated by the Taliban. They castrated the leader of the country. You thought Clinton was worried about being impeached?" —Jay Leno

"It turns out now that Bill Clinton ... he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There's 80 in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all 80, he'll throw his sex video, 'Too Hot for the Starr Report.' ... The tape recorder was equipped with forward, reverse and pause, just like his interns. ... The people that have listened to them say you can't really hear anything because of the sound of Monica's head thumping on the desk." —David Letterman

"President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since ... well, Monica." —David Letterman

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