George Bush Jokes

"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman

"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman

"Secret Service records show that convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff visited the White House over 200 times in a ten-month period. 200 times! That's more times than President Bush was in the White House." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno "When President Bush was in New Orleans, he said 'We pray there is no hurricane coming this year.' This is what we call faith-based disaster planning." --Jay Leno

"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher

"[Bush] was down there and he was saying, 'We have to secure our borders and that it's not right to prosper in America and not learn to speak English.' But enough about him." --Bill Maher

"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher

"Bush said today canceling [the ports deal] sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad." --Bill Maher

"Air Force One arrived [in Pakistan] today landing there after dark with the lights off and the window shades drawn. And then Osama bin Laden made a speech and said, 'Bush can run, but he can't hide. Karl Rove told the president that if his approval ratings dipped any lower they were going to have to arrive home the same way." --Bill Maher "When he travels, Dick Cheney has certain things that he needs. He needs what he calls a 'downtime suite.' Coincidentally, George W. Bush also has a 'downtime suite.' It's called the Oval Office." --David Letterman

"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

"President Bush is now being accused of leaking classified information. I was stunned. I was shocked. I said to myself, 'Wait, they let this guy see classified information.'" --David Letterman

"Saturday is April Fool's Day and President Bush ... has a great April Fool's joke planned. He's going to put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"Thousands and thousands of undocumented workers protested yesterday. President Bush was really surprised by the large number of protestors. And you know what? I'm not surprised he was surprised." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'" --David Letterman

"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman

"An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman

"George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud." --David Letterman

"President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control to American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment." --David Letterman

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again. ... If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman

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