George Bush Jokes

"President Bush said it's time for the people of Iraq to put together a functioning government. He said 'it's time to shut her down and get governin'.' Other presidents quote Lincoln and Roosevelt. Bush is the only one to quote Larry the Cable Guy." --Jay Leno

"The president does not like change in his personnel. He likes to keep the same people. I think he got this from having the same third grade teacher year after year." --Jay Leno

"We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's childhood home was turned into a museum. ... After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I hope they got rid of the scary thing under my bed.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at opening day in Cincinnati, President Bush threw out the first pitch. Then the president started crying because the manager took him out of the game" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush was greeted by protestors wearing President Bush masks. The president was overheard saying, 'I don't know who those people are, but their faces look familiar.'" --Conan O'Brien "A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey

"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey

"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey

"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey

"Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was also in Pakistan. Which is a little scary. When they landed there they landed in the dark with the lights off and all the shades pulled down. So if you count the Dubai deal, that's the second time President Bush has been operating in the dark." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today his plan to fight terrorism is simple and straightforward -- go after the evildoers, track them down, find out where they're hiding and then sell them our seaports." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now saying that he was not aware that we signed a deal to give these Arabs countries control of our eastern seaports. In fact, today President Bush began tapping his own phone so he can find out what’s going on in the White House." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot." --Jay Leno

"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. ... Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. ... There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Yeah, Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened here?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien