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Gun Jokes

Funny Jokes and Quotes about Gun Control, the NRA, and the Second Amendment

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Gun Jokes
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"Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one." -Andy Borowitz

"Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun." -Andy Borowitz

"Make no mistake -- they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns." –Stephen Colbert

"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays." –Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools

"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'" –Bill Maher

"If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns." -–Bill Maher, referring to the first lady's arm muscles

"Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer." –Bill Maher

"In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers

Jon Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler."

"One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns." -Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails." -Stephen Colbert, after the organizer of Gun Appreciation Day said the day honors the legacy of Martin Luther King

"Impeach President Reagan retroactively for agreeing with Obama on the assault weapons ban." -John Fugelsang

"There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock." –Stephen Colbert, offering his own inaugural poem

"Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's." –Conan O'Brien

"Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic." –Bill Maher, on history according to Sarah Palin

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

Funny Anti-Gun Quotes from

"If women took up arms to defend their reproductive rights, the GOP would ban assault rifles yesterday." -Steve Marmel

"I suggest putting a teacher in every gun store." -Jef Johnson

"I'm not advocating for no guns. I like mine and am not about to give them up. But in this country, my uterus is more regulated than my guns. Birth control and reproductive health services are harder to get than bullets. What is that about? Guns don't kill people -- vaginas do?" -ShannynMoore, Alaska talk radio host and gun owner

"Oh, you need a magazine that holds 30 rounds? Is that in case the deer starts shooting back?" -The Everlasting GOP Stoppers on Facebook

"Isn't it ironic that the same poeple who fear Obama is leading us toward a police state are the same people who are glad the NRA is advocating for a police state." -FB.com/RachelMaddowFans

"Oh, keeping God in schools would have prevented the recent shooting? Please tell me how many cases of child molestation he's prevented in churches."

"Q: How many NRA spokesman do you need to change a light bulb? A: More guns."

"America: Where we fight over who can be allowed to have a marriage license, but don't give a s**t about who can have an assault rifle." -Cully Hamner on Twitter

"If your first reaction to shootings is to think, 'Oh s**t, Obama/liberals are going to try to take our guns!' your priorities as a human being SUCK."

"I'm going to tell people that the President is going to take away our math and science books. Maybe the same folks hoarding guns and ammo will buy these too." -The Everlasting GOP Stoppers on Facebook

"If the government has enough money for teachers' firearms and firearms training, why doesn't it have enough money for school supplies and professional equipment?"

"NRA logic: Gun-free schools attract killers. So by the same "sound" reasoning...we should post speed limit signs in front of schools, they just attract maniacal speeders."

"Oh, we can't pass gun laws because it treads on your liberty? Tell me more about how we must regulate marriage and vaginas."

"When you think owning a gun is more of a right than being cared for when you are sick you really need to re-examine your priorities!"

"If you're more concerned about possible delays at the gun shop than you are about the safety of our children and our mental well-being as a nation, then maybe it's not really 'God' you've been praying to at night." -FB.com/RachelMaddowFans

"People are so angry about gun regulation, you'd think they were being denied the right to marry the person they love."

"So gun laws won't work because criminals don't follow laws? Tell me why do we have laws at all?"

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