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NSA Jokes

Funny Jokes about the NSA Spy Scandal

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NSA Jokes
See Also: Funniest NSA Spying Memes

"This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it's somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn't care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha." –Bill Maher

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He's in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn't watching was him?" –Jay Leno

"Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn't made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location." –Jay Leno

"Ever since the government's spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel '1984' have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, '1984' shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do." –Jimmy Fallon

"Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo." –David Letterman

"Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he's leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He's now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people." –David Letterman

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them." –Conan O'Brien

"Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don't care. It's like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it's just like being married." –David Letterman

"The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that's a debate we wouldn't have had five years ago. Five years ago? It's a debate we wouldn't have had two weeks ago if they all hadn't gotten caught." –Jay Leno

"The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he's a hero. This is Republicans' worst nightmare. They don't know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion." –Bill Maher

"Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to." –The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

"The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend?" –Bill Maher

"This spying scandal at the White House isn't going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"He went to China to avoid government persecution. That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk." –Jimmy Fallon

"The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It's people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They're the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls." –David Letterman

"You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing." –David Letterman

"This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China." –David Letterman

"The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it's spying on you." –Jay Leno

"People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works." –Jay Leno

"Big breaking news about something we've known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, 'The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife.'" –Bill Maher

"The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'" –Bill Maher

"The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans." –Jay Leno

"It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: 'They can hear you now.'" -Jimmy Fallon

See Also: Latest Late-Night Jokes

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