Dick Cheney Jokes

"Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Isn't that amazing? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party." --Jay Leno

"A White House spokesman said President Bush is very happy Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Not Dick Cheney. Oh, no. Dick Cheney said today now he wants to bomb Norway." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people -- Cheney and Bush " --Jay Leno

"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. ... It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, 'The United States can only have one president.' To which Bush said, 'Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher

"People are saying Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney. Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno

"The Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. ... He was never in danger -- at the time of the attack, he was safely asleep in his coffin. ... I just hope that this attempt on his life doesn't turn him bitter, vicious, and paranoid." --Bill Maher

"The big drink at the White House Correspondents' dinner this year is something called the Cheney Shot. Have you all had the Cheney shot? The bartender pours you a shot of Wild Turkey and then throws it in your face." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt -- kind of like his approval rating. ... Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim." --Jay Leno

"He was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy." --David Letterman, on Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener

"Dick Cheney threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals baseball game. And talk about irony. Did you hear what happened? He threw the ball and hit a quail. Killed it." --David Letterman

"Here now a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's 'downtime suite': He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. ... Cheney wants bottled water, decaffeinated coffee. He wants his lights on. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TV's must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, 'My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraqi War'" --David Letterman

"Here's the detail I found most interesting: all the television sets must be tuned to Fox News. Wow! Because god forbid he walks into a hotel room, and the TV is on another channel, and he finds out what a sh---y job he's been doing. He's got avoid not just CNN and MSNBC, I think Animal Planet is doing stories on that now. ... There was one other detail on the bottom of the rider, it was handwritten and somewhat cryptic. He also requests a rifle, some ammo and an old man's face." --Jon Stewart, on Dick Cheney's hotel suite demands

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

"Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." --Bill Maher

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." --Bill Maher

"There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." --Bill Maher

"What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as 1,000 points of light." --Bill Maher

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney

"I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on: Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume." --Jay Leno