John McCain Jokes
"He looks like a guy who's backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the guy at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything." –David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)"Today John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance." —Jay Leno
"McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher
"A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno
"This doesn't smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody's putting something in his Metamucil." –David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the "Late Show"
"Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy." --David Letterman
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"They now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Staffers suspected there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'That One.'" —David Letterman
"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. If McCain really wants to help this guy, you now what he should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno, on Joe the Plumber
"Barack Obama is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman
"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain may be behind but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." —Stephen Colbert
"He just needs to do something to prove that he has the judgment to lead and knows where this country wants to go. You know what, I've got it. Senator McCain, you really need to endorse Barack Obama. That would really make you look like a 'maverick.'" —Stephen Colbert
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Next > The Best Sarah Palin Jokes
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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