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2008 Election Jokes

Late-Night Jokes about the 2008 Presidential Candidates

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"Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That's something Hillary hasn't felt in 20 years -- a man breathing down her neck." --Jay Leno

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno

"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher

"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, who is a Mormon, is reeling from reports that his great-grandfather had fives wives and at least one of his great-great-grandfathers had twelve. That poor bastard had to register at Crate and Barrel 12 times. And that's back when all they sold were crates and barrels. ... The word 'polygamy', of course, comes from the Greek 'poly' meaning multiple and 'gamy' meaning reasons not to vote for Mitt Romney." --Stephen Colbert

"You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. ... On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, 'I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling.' I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Tom Vilsack announced today he has dropped out of the race. The reason cited? He's Tom Vilsack. ... Now the hard part -- telling his supporter" --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama was endorsed by former Senator Tom Daschle of South Dakota. Daschle is the first major Democrat to endorse Obama, and the first person in South Dakota to see a black man." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have been sniping at each other back and forth. It's getting ugly. The good news for Obama is, all this bickering with Hillary is making him look presidential." --Conan O'Brien

"Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain 'a great senator and a very good friend.' Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it's so much easier to pronounce than Giuliani." --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has his first presidential campaign commercial. In the ad, which is now running, Romney says, 'This is not the time for talk and dithering in DC.' Making him the first candidate to come out against 'dithering.'" --Jay Leno

"Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he's running for president. If he wins, he'd be the first Mormon president. Apparently, Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them." --Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history." --Jay Leno

"A total now of eight people have announced that they want to be president. Eight people now want to be president. It's George Bush's fault. He has lowered the standard." --David Letterman

"Democrats have a lot of choices. Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president. Bill Richardson would be the first Hispanic president. Barack Obama would be the first black president. And Dennis Kucinich would be the first hobbit president." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary's campaign. I'm guessing 'the cheating husband.'" --Jay Leno

"John Kerry has announced he will not run for president in 2008. But, he has not ruled out losing in 2012." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry has announced that he will not be running for president in 2008. So that means the Democrats are just going to have to find another way to blow the election." --David Letterman

"Democrats now have a woman, an African-American and a Hispanic running for president. Of course, the other sides has minorities running also. They're called Republicans." --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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