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Hillary Clinton Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Hillary Clinton

By

Hillary Clinton
See Also: Funniest Hillary Clinton Memes

"President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." —Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's going to start hitting on her." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary." —Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everybody he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel? Finally gets a phone call at 3 a.m., and it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"And Hillary Clinton's camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. Passive-aggressively seeking it, yes." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? I think Hillary may secretly be glad that this whole thing is over. 'Cause now she can go back to doing what she loves the most: huntin', drinkin' whiskey, shootin', get back to her roots, as we saw. Well, the good news is Hillary is on Barack Obama's list for potential vice presidents. Yeah. The bad news, she's just a little bit below the Reverend Wright." --Jay Leno

"Well, the talk is that Hillary Clinton is going to try and help unite the party. She's going to unite the party. But today Bill Clinton says, according to his experience, the party is usually over whenever Hillary shows up." --Jay Leno

"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it's sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family." --David Letterman

"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"But don't discount Hillary Clinton, because she's nothing if not shrewd. … Don't ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? ... Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She's going to marry John McCain." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton still campaigning hard. In a speech this weekend that she just gave, Hillary Clinton said that John McCain 'couldn't be more out of touch.' Yeah, then Hillary said, 'Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to win the Democratic nomination.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency." --David Letterman

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out because there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said: anytime, anywhere, and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Yeah, which is surprising, because the 'anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck' offer is usually made by Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Even though she won yesterday, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now $10 million in debt. $10 million in debt, and, ironically, her big issue: 'I can handle the economy.'" --Jay Leno

"Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. That's true, yeah. Yeah, when asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, 'I've never seen so many women with my mom's haircut.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. 'I'm for Hillary now!'" --Jay Leno

"Did you all see that? She took the shot with the beer chaser. Did it like an old pro. To give you an idea how much she drank, when the phone rang at 3 am, slept right through it." --Jay Leno

"Big shake-up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. This is huge. Yesterday -- true story -- Hillary Clinton's top adviser abruptly left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, we can leave?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Poor Hillary. She went on my friend Jay Leno's show last night. She's still trying to put that whole Bosnia sniper fire thing behind her. She said, 'It's been so long since I've been pinned down by anyone.'" --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia, where she told the crowd she is like the movie character Rocky. Now, if I remember the movie correctly, doesn't Rocky get the crap beat out of him and then he loses to the black guy?" --Jay Leno

"Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 a.m. phone call commercial that she's been running? Well, she's got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 a.m., Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says "Stop bothering me, President Obama!" --David Letterman

"This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, 'Because then she'd come home.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Have you been following the story about Reverend Wright, Barack Obama's pastor? Hillary said if her pastor had made the comments that Reverend Wright had made, she would have left that church. Interesting distinction she makes. She also says if her pastor had been blown by Monica Lewinsky, she would have stayed." --Bill Maher

"Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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