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Immigration Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Immigration

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"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. ... The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he's not sure if his grandparents entered the United States legally. As a result, President Bush has sent the entire Gonzales family back to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"He says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English ... except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman

"According to this new bill that's tied up in the Senate, illegal immigrants who can prove they've been here for two years would be allowed to stay. So follow the logic here. If you can prove you broke the current law for two years, you've protected under the new law." --Jay Leno

"Our cowardly, idiot Congress left on a two-week spring break. They're the biggest bunch of do-nothings. They didn't do anything. They didn't come to terms with the bill. They just left and went on vacation. So apparently, Congress is also on a temporary worker program." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is going to address the nation Monday night on the immigration issue. Bush said he would have given the address tonight, but they couldn't get the 'Mission Accomplished' sign finished in Spanish soon enough." --Jay Leno

"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days." --Jay Leno

"Here's my question, did Governor Schwarzenegger go to work today?" --Jay Leno

"Lots of businesses were closed, streets were closed - everything was closed but that big hole down on the border." --Jay Leno

"The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, 'Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will.' I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans." --Bill Maher

"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno

"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million people to another country. I don't know, Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"As you know, there were lots of huge marches around the country yesterday to protest the immigration laws. The marches had quite an impact on businesses. Restaurants had to close, construction sites had to shut down, the Yankees had to forfeit a game. ... Do you realize that Americans are now doing the jobs that immigrants won't do because they're out protesting?" --Jay Leno<
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