Immigration Jokes

"According to this new bill that's tied up in the Senate, illegal immigrants who can prove they've been here for two years would be allowed to stay. So follow the logic here. If you can prove you broke the current law for two years, you've protected under the new law." --Jay Leno

"Our cowardly, idiot Congress left on a two-week spring break. They're the biggest bunch of do-nothings. They didn't do anything. They didn't come to terms with the bill. They just left and went on vacation. So apparently, Congress is also on a temporary worker program." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is going to address the nation Monday night on the immigration issue. Bush said he would have given the address tonight, but they couldn't get the 'Mission Accomplished' sign finished in Spanish soon enough." --Jay Leno

"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days." --Jay Leno

"Here's my question, did Governor Schwarzenegger go to work today?" --Jay Leno

"Lots of businesses were closed, streets were closed - everything was closed but that big hole down on the border." --Jay Leno

"The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, 'Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will.' I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans." --Bill Maher

"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno

"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million people to another country. I don't know, Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"As you know, there were lots of huge marches around the country yesterday to protest the immigration laws. The marches had quite an impact on businesses. Restaurants had to close, construction sites had to shut down, the Yankees had to forfeit a game. ... Do you realize that Americans are now doing the jobs that immigrants won't do because they're out protesting?" --Jay Leno

"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey

"Over a million people marched today in cities across the country to protest immigration laws. And while we were watching them do that, a million more people snuck across the U.S./Mexican border." --Jay Leno

"This is what I don't get about this. They've got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard Hillary's plan for immigration? She's advocating what she calls a Smart Wall along the Mexican border. It will keep track of people using infrared cameras, remote controlled airplanes, and electronic devices. Yeah, that will work great -- she couldn't keep track of Bill in the White House." --Jay Leno

"You know these people coming across the border willing to work hard? I say make them senators. They couldn't do any worse of a job than these guys are doing." --Jay Leno

"Under this Senate compromise, the 11 million illegals would be put into three different groups: mild, medium and caliente." --Bill Maher

"The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300." --Jay Leno

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno