"A major announcement. Events are moving fast in my campaign, and yes, it's true that this morning I've dismissed my entire team of senior advisers. All of their positions will now be held by a man named 'Joe the Plumber.'" --at the Al Smith Dinner (See the video and transcript)
"This campaign needed the common touch of a working man. After all, it began so long ago with the heralded arrival of a man known to Oprah Winfrey as 'The One.' Being a friend and colleague of Barack, I just called him 'That One.'" --at the Al Smith Dinner
"Even in this room full of proud Manhattan Democrats. I can't shake that feeling that some people here are pulling for me ... I'm delighted to see you here tonight, Hillary." --at the Al Smith Dinner
On Bill Clinton: "Where's Bill, by the way? Can't he take one night off from his tireless quest to make the man who defeated his wife the next president? When a reporter asked him if Senator Obama was qualified to be president, Bill Clinton pointed out, sure, he's over 35 years of age and a U.S. citizen. He was pandering to the strict constructionist crowd." --at the Al Smith Dinner
"Now's not the time to raise anybody's taxes except yours, and I guarantee when I'm president, I'll do it. My first executive order!" --to David Letterman (Read more about McCain's appearance on Letterman)
"My Social Security number is 8." --joking with Jay Leno
"You know, by a strange coincidence I was not elected Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate this year." --after being asked by Rev. Rick Warren about going against his party
"The good news is that we now have enough money to run the entire campaign in Colorado. The bad news is, some of that money is still in your wallets and purses." --speaking at a fundraiser in Aspen, Colorado
"In case you missed it, a few days ago Senator Clinton tried to spend $1 million on the Woodstock Concert Museum. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time." --on the years he spent as a P.O.W. in Vietnam (Watch video clip)
"Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (Watch video clip)
"Remember the words of Chairman Mao: 'It's always darkest before it's totally black.'"
"Presidential ambition is a disease that can only be cured by embalming fluid."
"I'm older than dirt, I've got more scars than Frankenstein, but I've learned a few things along the way."
"Never get into a wrestling match with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it." --to reporters in New Hampshire after being asked him about Mitt Romney
"Washington is a Hollywood for ugly people. Hollywood is a Washington for the simpleminded."
"We spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don't know if that was a paternity issue or a criminal issue." --on wasteful congressional spending
"I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps. Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?"
"You know the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottom-dweller. The other is a fish."
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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