Michael Jackson Jokes

"Michael Jackson turned himself into authorities today and now the court may take away his kids. Don't worry, Michael's working on a deal where he can dangle them on the weekends." —Craig Kilborn "The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch." —Craig Kilborn

"Michael Jackson was arrested yesterday. According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is 5'11 and only weighs 120 pounds. Michael is able to keep his weight down because he only orders off the children's menu." —Conan O'Brien

"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only real body parts he has left." —Jay Leno "Several celebrities have stepped forward to defend Michael Jackson — Woody Harrelson, Roman Polanski, Pete Townsend." —Craig Kilborn

"I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead man moonwalking." —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross." —Jay Leno

" I guess they got Michael on that new law — 3 tykes and you're out." —Jay Leno

"Did you hear who Michael Jackson's lawyer is? He hired Scott Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos. Geragos' slogan is 'no client too sleazy.' See Michael's smart cause he knows that next to Scott Peterson he looks innocent." —Jay Leno

"Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators and found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley." —David Letterman

"His bail was set at $3 million dollars because he is considered a flight risk. Cause, you know, he could run off anywhere and blend right in." —David Letterman

"If you've been watching television today, so it begins, the Michael Jackson mini-series kicked off. The glee, the salivation in the news people. The CNN logo had an erection. If you looked closely, the 'N' was standing tall. ... By God people, there is a Medicare bill to debate! If only the Senate molested the Medicare bill." —Jon Stewart

"Yesterday federal agents raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. This isn't good. People are gonna start saying this guy is peculiar. Apparently Michael Jackson was so upset he contacted Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to get some sedatives." —David Letterman

"I guess they had 60 federal investigators going over the Neverland Ranch property for 12 hours and didn't find anything. But they did turn up OJ's knife." —David Letterman

"Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony." —Craig Kilborn

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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