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Christmas Jokes

Funny Jokes About Christmas and the Holiday Season

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Christmas Jokes
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"It's late Friday night, which means the world did not end after all! So the good news is, we’re still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do." -Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama announced that he's giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he was like, 'But not Santa, right?'" -Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican." -Conan O'Brien (Share this joke on Facebook)

"The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts." –Jay Leno

"The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign." –Conan O'Brien

"I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David Letterman

"Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns." -David Letterman

"Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg." -David Letterman

"Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people said, 'Oh, Santa's a Democrat because he gives handouts,' and other people said, 'He's a Republican because he's an old white guy.''" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The fact of the matter is Santa isn't a Democrat or a Republican. In fact, Santa isn't even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won't get off us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It's a toy that came out in 1998. It's weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn't thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now." -Craig Ferguson

"As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it." -Jay Leno

"A survey found that 66 million Americans haven't started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili's gift cards." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." -- Jay Leno

"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." --Jon Stewart, on Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"

"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress." –Jay Leno

"The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it's Washington, you're not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster." –Jay Leno

"There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration's first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, 'Happy Holidays.' The other 78% say, 'Feliz Navidad.'" –Jay Leno

"One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread 'foreclosed' sign." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he's not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, "You can't buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us." –Jay Leno

"President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies." –Jimmy Fallon

"As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ's paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree." –David Letterman

"A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life." –Jay Leno

"A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India." –Jay Leno

"Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, 'Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks.'" –Jay Leno

"This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won't deliver them, they'll just handle them." –David Letterman

"In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we're paying far too much for gas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, a 40-foot Colorado Spruce. Republicans don't believe it's really from Colorado, and they want to see a birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Apparently the president couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do." –Craig Ferguso

n "Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain." –David Letterman

"The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia has been renamed The Holiday Village. And Santa's reindeer have now become Non-Denominational Venison." –Jay Leno

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien

"Oprah visited the Obamas at the White House on Sunday night for her 'Christmas at the White House' special. She's actually thinking of buying the White House, and so she was scouting it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, 'socialism.'" –Jay Leno

"The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary." –Jimmy Fallon

"The unemployment numbers came out and even though the unemployment rate went down slightly, seven million fewer people are employed compared to last year. The one positive outcome: seven million fewer people will be subjected to an office Christmas party this year." -Jimmy Fallon

People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" –Conan O'Brien

"We're talking about Sarah Palin, who has a brand new Christmas album. It's entitled 'I Can See Bethlehem From My House.'" --David Letterman

"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno

"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused." --Jay Leno

"Because it's the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don't be surprised if they leave a candy cane." –David Letterman

"Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail and everybody wants to interview him. Barbara Walters wants to know if he’s a lesbian. Today in the holiday spirit he leaked 200 letters to Santa." –David Letterman

"And down in Washington, D.C., the Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. And there is no surprise here. You know, they've got to decorate the tree. So the contract to decorate the tree, a $10 billion ornament contract, went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The president and first lady are getting criticism from the right today. I know, who could have seen this coming? But they're getting criticism because they sent out the White House holiday card, and it says, 'Season's Greetings' on it, makes no mention of Christmas, and doesn't have a passage from the Bible in it like the ones the Bushes used to send out. But actually, it does keep one beloved George Bush holiday card tradition alive, and that is the funny sound effect when you open the card. It wouldn't be Christmas without that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The nice thing about the holidays is the holiday spirit. Let me give you an example of how the holiday spirit affects people. You know that guy that threw the shoes at President Bush? Well, today, he was throwing fruit cakes." --David Letterman

"You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole." --David Letterman

"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno

"I love New York City, especially at the holidays. And speaking of the holidays, today, Sarah Palin went out and shot a Norway spruce." --David Letterman

"And this is true. This year, the Treasury Department is holding its annual holiday party inside something called the cash room. You know what that is in Washington, the cash room? That's a big room where the Treasury Department holds all its cash it has on hand. Of course, these days it's empty, so plenty more room to party." --Jay Leno

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain." --David Letterman

"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper." --Conan O'Brien

‎"The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing." –Jon Stewart on the "War on Christmas"

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