Republican Convention Jokes

"Tonight at the Republican National Convention, in what was called the biggest speach of his career, President Bush took on his enemy, the English language." --Jay Leno

"George Bush accepted the nomination and promised that if he's re-elected he promised to start reading memos. Thats a good sign." --David Letterman "Now that Bush has accepted the nomination the next step, of course, is the rigging of the voting machines." --David Letterman

"Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. ... Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!" --Jon Stewart

"Don King was at the convention. He is a big Republican. He has given out a lot of Tyson's money. He wasn't there for the convention. He was at Madison Square Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller fight. ... Zell Miller was just crazy. Chris Matthews was trying to interview him. The secret service had to take him down with a tranquilizer" --Jay Leno

"That's Democratic Georgia Senator Zell Miller, building that bridge to the 18th century." --Jon Stewart, on Zell Miller challenging Chris Matthews to a duel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a terrific speech last night. See, that's where the Republicans are really smart. They don't want to portray themselves as the right-wing party so they bring in an actor to play the moderate." --Jay Leno

"Republicans went from Arnold Schwarzenegger last night to Dick Cheney tonight. It's like, Arnold's like the picture in the dating service ad, and Dick's the guy who shows up." --Jay Leno

"Protesters made it inside the Republican convention and started taking off their clothes. Republicans said it could have been worse, one of the naked protesters could have been Michael Moore." --Conan O'Brien

"Word now is circulating that Republicans are not tipping the hotel staff where they stay. And I'm thinking, Come on folks! Why not spread some of that Halliburton loot around?" --David Letterman

"Earlier this week the Republican party held a reception for black Republicans. Apparently the receptions was a big success. They both showed up." --Conan O'Brien

"You probably know it's been crazy here in New York City with the convention. We have had naked people in the streets. We have had all-night parties, arrests. And that's just the Bush twins." --David Letterman

"The Republicans are in town this week. Don't worry, they will only be here until we are capable of self rule." --David Letterman

"Over 800,000 New Yorkers left during the convention. Boy, Bush really knows how to clear a room, doesn't he? 800,000 people leave town because of the Republican convention. They raise the terror alert in New York to elevated, no New Yorkers leave. A threat by al Qaeda to destroy our financial institution, New Yorkers stand firm. Republicans come to town it's like, Get out of here." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke tonight at the convention. At first they were planning on having Arnold speak on the same night as President Bush but, then they realized, oh no, the convention interpreter's head would have exploded." --Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"You folks excited about the Republican convention? Well here's good news, Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge has declared New York City is safe. Of course, that's based on 4-year-old intelligence." —David Letterman

"The Republican National Convention is about to start up. President Bush sounds like he's ready. Big interview with him in USA Today. President Bush says, 'I am not going to come in second.' Again." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republicans are in town and they're going to be in town doing two things — slander John Kerry and try to get laid. " —David Letterman

"If you are planning on going to the convention, even if you are a delegate, you're going to get frisked, you're going to get patted down, you're going to get groped, and that's just by Arnold Schwarzenegger." --David Letterman

"Now that the Democratic convention is over, the Republicans are getting ready for theirs. Their slogan for Bush: Four more wars, four more wars!" —Jay Leno

"How many of you folks watched the Democratic convention? It's over and now the Republicans have just one month to become ethnically diverse." —David Letterman

"At the convention John Kerry showed up with all his Vietnam crewmates. And not to be outdone, next month at the Republican Convention George W. Bush is going to show up with all his college drinking buddies." —David Letterman

"Security's going to be tight at the Republican convention. You'll be frisked, patted down, you'll be groped — and that's just by Arnold" —David Letterman