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Chris Christie Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie

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Chris Christie Eating a Donut

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"New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this scandal Bridgegate. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach." –Jimmy Fallon

"People are saying Governor Chris Christie is not fit for office. So they'll have to widen the door again." –David Letterman

"Governor Christie was asked, 'Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, 'Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it.'" –David Letterman

"People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an unfair. Or as Chris Christie's interns put, 'No it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under." –Jimmy Fallon
 
"During his press conference about the traffic scandal, Christie said he was stunned by the 'abject stupidity.' And this is a guy wants to be president? Wait until he gets to Washington. It's a whole new level." –Jay Leno

“People are saying because he let his aides close down the George Washington Bridge, Christie could be unfit for office. And I said, hell, the guy could be unfit for his pants.” –David Letterman

“Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a Democratic mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge because he thought they said they were blocking the fridge.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently somebody in Governor Christie’s office was involved in that traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge that clogged up a major artery and caused a huge traffic jam. But Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own artery at the time.” –Jay Leno

“Pundits are saying this could hurt Christie’s 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is that now Christie is denying everything, he sounds even more presidential.” –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie held a press conference today to address the bridge scandal, where he  insisted that he is not a bully, and he will sit on anyone who says otherwise.” – Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie was having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee Jersey, so he closed down the George Washington Bridge. It was traffic snarled up for hundreds of miles, day after day. I'm telling you, this guy, you can't say power hungry without hungry." -David Letterman

"Turns out that the lane closures were meant to make life hell as payback to the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, for not endorsing Christie for re-election. No word yet on what the rest of New Jersey is payback for." -Stephen Colbert

"Rest assured I'm going to go extremely easy on Christie because I'm a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply he has a bad side. All your sides are wonderful, sir." -Stephen Colbert

"Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: 'Put the oval in the Oval Office.'" –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like him. He's a good guy. Christie said he couldn't have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, 'Happy to help, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. And in honor of his big win, I promise no more fat jokes about him tonight. But seriously, the margin of victory was so big, even he could walk through it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not the fries on the way home." –Bill Maher

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around." –Conan O'Brien

"At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee – 'Choffee.' Governor Chris Christie said: 'Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie.'" –David Letterman

"Tea party Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate. During his protest, Cruz actually read from the book 'Green Eggs and Ham' by Dr. Seuss. Democrats were like, 'When will this end?' But then Chris Christie said, 'When do we get those eggs and ham?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher

"There's a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings – I need the whole deal." –Jay Leno

"New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet. Of cows." –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, 'Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I'll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.' Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

"So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I'll tell you something else right now, we wouldn't have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president." –David Letterman

"A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey's birthday." –Craig Ferguson

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, 'I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David Letterman

"Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty." –Bill Maher

The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds. ... It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was in Ohio stumping for Mitt Romney. It was felt as far north as Canada." –David Letterman

"Celebrity birthday today: Chris Christie turned 50. He blew out the candles on his cake, and he wished for another cake."

"A billion dollars will be spent on potato chips for Super Bowl Sunday -- and that's just at Gov. Christie's house."

"I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass." –Bill Maher


"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

“Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. While celebrating Easter they rushed him to the hospital with an impacted peep.” –David Letterman

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie." –Jay Leno

"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon

"And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell 'potato.'" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played 'Hail to the Chef.' If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse." –David Letterman

"People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap." –David Letterman

"Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." –David Letterman

"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized yesterday, he had trouble breathing. He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza." –Bill Maher

"He was in the supermarket, and he felt a tightness in his chest, and then he realized he got stuck in the dairy case. He's OK. The hospital today upgraded his condition to gigantic. The doctors say he was already up and about, and taking helicopters to travel 20 feet." –Bill Maher

"But the doctors said to Governor Christie 'you have got to stop eating ice cream out of big five gallon tubs' and he said 'why?' And the doctor said ‘so I can examine you.'" –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

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