"Every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to a joint session of Congress. That's not what you do. It's not the Jerry Springer Show. You can't stand up in the middle of Congress and say 'Oh no you did not!' What the hell is wrong with you? He said his emotions got the better of him. Sometimes I want to have sex with a hooker, but I don't!" --Craig Ferguson
"When Wilson yelled 'you lie' at the president, I don't think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, 'Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor's mistress?'" --Craig Ferguson
"What's so ironic is that the health care plan that Joe Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the prozac he so desperately needs." --Bill Maher
"One of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson a 'pimple on the ass of progress.' Then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered by Obama's health care plan." --Conan O'Brien
"During President Obama's speech, a congressman heckled him. This guy from South Carolina begins to heckle the guy, and I thought, OK, so now Gov. Mark Sanford is the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina" --David Letterman
"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Republican Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson's apology, and then invited him to appear before a death panel." –Conan O'Brien
"After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. But even Vice President Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson
"Back when George Bush was president, Democrats in Congress, to be fair, would occasionally go 'Boooo!' But President Bush never took it personally, he just thought Congress was haunted." --Craig Ferguson
"John McCain, here's a guy who's seen it all, he was shocked. He said he hasn't seen anything like this since Aaron Burr heckled Alexander Hamilton." --David Letterman
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, also shocked. At least that's what she said. You can't tell because her face doesn't move." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama, of course, is not the first president to have 'you lie' yelled at him. Bill Clinton got that all the time, but only from Hillary. And that was only after he came home and told her he lost his pants in a tornado." –Craig Ferguson
"During last night's health care speech, President Obama's told Republicans that the time for games has passed. Obama had to say that because most Republicans were on their BlackBerrys playing Brick Breaker." –Conan O'Brien
"Even his fellow Republicans were horrified. He apologized immediately after the speech. He said he was watching 'Gossip Girl' on his iPod, and that Blair such a bitch he just couldn't hold it in." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Joe Wilson Excuses:
10. "Shouldn't have gone tailgating before the speech"
9. "Ashton Kutcher put me up to it"
8. "Was trying to impress that hellcat Nancy Pelosi"
7. "Thought I was in the audience at Maury"
6. "Uh...Swine Flu?"
5. "I'm an idiot?"
4. "Yeah, I accused a politician of lying. What was I thinking?"
3. "I thought it was a roast"
2. "It's been weeks since a Republican politician embarrassed the state of South Carolina"
1. "Nobody cared when McCain yelled, 'Bingo!'"
Watch Craig Ferguson's Full Monologue Skewering Wilson
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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