Rudy Giuliani

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien

"When reporters of the Associated Press recently asked some of presidential candidates what their favorite reality shows were, Mitt Romney said 'American Idol.' Joe Biden said he didn't have a favorite show. And surprisingly, Rudy Giuliani picked 'Wife Swap.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She's writing his speeches for him ... and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is lashing out at the press, asking the press to lay off his wife. The press responded today. They said, 'Okay. Which one?'" --Jay Leno

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. ... We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. ... In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher

"In an interview, Rudy Giuliani's wife admitted that Rudy Giuliani is not her second husband, but actually her third husband. She forgot about her first husband. But Rudy understands, when they started dating, he forgot he had a wife too." --Jay Leno

"While you folks were applauding, Mrs. Giuliani remembered another marriage." --David Letterman

"Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said today that the toughest part about getting married to his current wife was finding a wedding song that they both haven't used before." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

"You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. ... On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems." --David Letterman

"The field's already getting crowded with candidates. Everyone knows about Hillary and McCain, but who else has a shot? On the Republican side, Rudy Giuliani. Hero. 9/11. Time person of the year. Member of the comb over club. But also a member of the New York, divorced, pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-stem cell research, gay-friendly wing of the Republican Party. I'm sorry, did I say wing? I meant room. Did I say room? I meant corner. Did I say corner? I meant table -- for one." --Jon Stewart

"In 2008, Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, may run for president. And if elected, he'll take a no-nonsense approach to Iraq. And the first thing he's going to do over there is get rid of the squeegee guys." --David Letterman

"In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani's entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida." --Jay Leno

"Mayor Giuliani announced he is seeing another woman and seeking a separation from his wife. The guy who took all the sex out of Times Square has put it in City Hall." --Bill Maher

Mayor Giuliani is running against Hillary Clinton for the senate. Hillary is apparently very depressed about this. She said if I wanted to spend the next 6 months battling an adulterer, I would have stayed at home." --Bill Maher

"It's been kind of a bad week for Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. First, his wife throws him out, 20 minutes later he is arrested for being homeless." --David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani stepped down because he's facing his mortality. He realized that any day his wife could kill him." --Jay Leno

"Mayor Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the US Senate race in New York. At a press conference, he said he was dropping out because he was "staring death right in the face," to which Bill Clinton said, "Ah! Come on! Hillary's not that bad!" --Jay Leno

"Don't you feel bad for Rudy Guiliani? He's having a run of bad luck. Insiders say that he no longer gets a kick out of rounding up the homeless." --David Letterman

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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