Sarah Palin Jokes

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"Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah." –David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's been translated in English." --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon

"The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." --Jimmy Fallon

"People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation

"Friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia." --David Letterman

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"And people are puzzled by this. They say, 'Well Governor, Sarah, what are you going to do? What's going to happen?' And insiders believe that she hopes to be the next 'Octomom.' But I don't know." --David Letterman

"She said that before she decided to quit, she called Dick Cheney. Do you remember Dick 'Ka-boom' Cheney? And I thought, well, this is great because when you want some advice on strategic maneuvers, I mean, you go to the architect of the Iraq war. I mean, isn't that where you go? That's where you want to be." --David Letterman

"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Obama went there because from Russia you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"I was talking to a lady here in the audience, she was from Alaska and we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? She steps down and she's no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out: Miss Congeniality steps up and is now the governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"A lot of public figures do this. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today as a matter of fact she was up in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party, but they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird, in her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the county was unanimous. Yeah, even her children thought she was in over her head." --Conan O'Brien

"I'll tell you, to be honest, I was quite nervous about this whole thing. And I was really nervous about an apology to Sarah Palin. So what I did to get my confidence up, to get my nerves to settle down, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin ... One awkward moment, though, during the game. Maybe you heard about it, maybe you saw it on one of the highlight reels, one awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game. During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." --David Letterman (Read about the controversy over this joke)

"Sarah Palin made a speech in Alaska and she said that the money the federal government is sending to states to help bail out, well that's not good, because that's the federal government getting in there and trying to 'control people.' Yes that's right, Sarah, it's all about the Federal Reserve making your daughter use a condom." --Bill Maher

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~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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