Sarah Palin Jokes

"It turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'" He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence." --Bill Maher

"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno

"During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions." --Jay Leno

"During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman

"Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by sahing she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president." �Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin right now is training for tomorrow night's vice presidential debate in Arizona. And she says it has really helped her on foreign policy, because from Arizona she can see Mexico." --David Letterman

"Palin's people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, flush him into an open area, and then take a go for a clean shot through the lungs. You don't want to mess up the head -- that's the trophy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile the big question that I don't know if anyone has asked yet -- while Sarah Palin's yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who's keeping an eye on the Russians? What happens if Putin decides to rear his head?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the 'CBS Evening News'? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn't read. And then I thought, well, hell it's worked pretty good for George Bush." --David Letterman

"Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night's debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night's swimsuit competition." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, she's getting ready for tomorrow's debate. I understand she now knows all three branches of government." --Jay Leno

"Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if Palin is ready. You know you're in trouble, debating like this, you know you're in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle did." --David Letterman

"We have the big vice presidential debate coming up on Thursday, and Sarah Palin is busy preparing. Right now, for example, she is practicing her caribou-caught-in-the-lights look." --David Letterman

"Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it's not going that well because she keeps saying, 'I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.'" --David Letterman

"Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on." --Jay Leno

"Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric last week, and they're saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin actually watched the debates very closely. Actually she watched with one eye the debate and the other eye across on Russia, because you never know." --Jay Leno

"Hugh Hefner is entering the fray. Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Yeah, and Palin said she'd agree to pose for Playboy as long as there's no interview." --Conan O'Brien

"Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate. Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself." --Jay Leno

"A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You you enter and suddenly realize you're way over your head." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. John McCain showed up without running mate Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of experience with financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman