Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Quotes

Read the latest quotes from SNL Weekend Update

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey

"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey

"Tom DeLay, embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said he will not run for re-election and he will leave Congress in a few months. DeLay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most: slapping ice cream cones out of children's hands" --Tina Fey

"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. 18 Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler

"According to Washington insiders, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he'd like to spend more time lying for his family" --Amy Poehler

"South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey

"Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler

"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey

"President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed Thursday on a landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India. And, in exchange, India would take all our jobs."--Tina Fey

"Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls." --Tina Fey

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that New Orleans, when rebuilt, will be a chocolate city. And he will be the delicious nut in the center." -Amy Poehler

"Fox News Channel has launched a contest called 'Bloviate with Bill,' in which six viewers will be flown to New York and given the chance to fend off O'Reilly's unwanted sexual advances." --Tina Fey

"During the Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, tempers boiled when Sen. Ted Kennedy threatened to subpoena records of the controversial group Concerned Alumni of Princeton, and chairman Arlen Specter had to slam his gavel twice before boredom was restored. " --Tina Fey

"During Sen. Graham's apology, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, Alito's wife, was so overcome with emotion she broke down in tears and left the hearing. To get an abortion." --Tina Fey

"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you." --Amy Poehler

"Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted during an interview this week that he has smacked his children, though only because he believed reports that they were carrying weapons of mass destruction." --Tina Fey

"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey

"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey

"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey

"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey