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Mark Sanford Jokes

Late-Night Jokes about Gov. Mark Sanford's Sex Scandal


See Also: Mark Sanford Cartoons

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

"Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared...and it turned out he was in South America. And then it turned out he was down there because he was sleeping with a woman from Argentina. Once again, foreigners taking jobs that Americans won't do." --David Letterman

"Gov. Sanford may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien

"How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"Good for her I say! Good for you! Finally! I never understood why these women had to stand by their douchebag at the press conference. He's like, 'Oh I did this I did that then I took off her dress and then we went to Hooters'...I think what the wives should do is just wear a t-shirt that says 'I'm with stupid.'" --Craig Ferguson, on Mark Sanford's wife not appearing at his press conference

"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson (Watch video clip)

"Last night, we talked about the strange disappearance of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. The media reported he was hiking the Appalachian Trail and forgot to tell anyone, including his wife and sons, over Father's Day weekend. We here reported that he had actually gone into the woods to chase a coyote and f*** it. It turns out, we were both wrong [on screen: a report saying Sanford had been in Argentina]. I apologize to you, sir, for implying that you were a coyote f***er. Clearly, you went to Argentina to have dirty, dirty sex with a capybara, a giant rodent indigenous to the Argentine region." --Jon Stewart

"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart

"Needless to say, this not great news for the Republican party. So many prominent Republicans have been caught in these situations lately: Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, David Vitter, John Ensign from Nevada. And do you want to know why this is happening? The gays. They've destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is what we get" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, you know what they say, in the way that no man can resist the wiles of an exotic Argentine woman, those same women are equally tantalized by middle-aged, fiscally conservative Episcopalians."--Stephen Colbert

"On Sunday was National Nude Hiking Day. It's not a great sign when your spokesman doesn't know where you are, realizes it's national Nude Hiking Day, and thinks, well that's probably where the governor is!'" --Craig Ferguson

"Apparently the governor said he wanted to do something exotic. Clearly what he meant was he wanted to do someone exotic." --Craig Ferguson

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Their governor down there, Mark Sanford disappears. He's gone for four days. The first time he said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. Okay, I'm just dumb enough to believe that. Then he says, 'No, no, no, forget the Appalachian Trail. I was in South America.' Now, I'm not sure I'm with him. Today he said he woke up in Las Vegas, hung over with a tiger and a baby." --David Letterman

"But now it turns out that he was in Argentina with another woman. A married guy, got a family, he's in Argentina with another woman. And here's what I want to know -- why can't he be like our former governor and use a local escort service? What's the problem?" --David Letterman

"Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who's the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic women." --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen Sandiego." --Jimmy Fallon

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford just disappears for four days. Literally, takes a hike. He's out. And now, he's back. And he says, 'Well what's the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.' You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"This is a big story because his wife, the governor's wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, 'Hey, who's your travel agent? Who, where, how do I -- how do I get in on this?'" --David Letterman

"People are calling him a hypocrite, because he's another family values politician having an affair, but I don't see it in political terms. I'm just embarrassed for my gender. Ladies, if you want to know what it's like being a guy, think about the fact that there's a man, the governor of a good-sized state, who asked himself, 'Hmm, can I sneak off to Argentina for a week with my lover without anybody finding out?' And somehow came up with the answer 'yes.' I hope that gives you a sense of what we're up against." --Jimmy Kimmel

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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