Sam Alito Jokes

"Observers say that Alito makes them miss the hyper-charged sexual electricity of a Ruth Bader Ginsburg." --Conan O'Brien

"During Sen. Graham's apology, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, Alito's wife, was so overcome with emotion she broke down in tears and left the hearing. To get an abortion." --Tina Fey

"They asked Alito a lot of questions, to see if he's in touch with the average American. What is the price of a loaf of bread? How much is a gallon of milk? What is the cost to buy a congressman?" --Jay Leno

"Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?'" --Jay Leno

"Have you been watching the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings? They're so dull, CBS has ordered 13 more episodes. This Alito guy is so tight that to loosen him up, finally, Ted Kennedy sent over a couple Bloody Marys." --David Letterman

"During an odd moment at the [Alito] hearings yesterday, this is true, Sen. Arlen Specter announced that he goes to the same gym as Sen. Ted Kennedy. Not surprisingly, it's the gym that's closed 364 days a year." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you been watching the Alito Supreme Court nomination hearings? The Democrats are upset, they're crazy, they're already accusing him of giving vague, contradictory answers. And Alito was on that, he shot back, 'Maybe, maybe not.'" --David Letterman

"Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery." --Jay Leno

"The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because he called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was also the emotionally-charged saga of Mrs. Alito. I myself will never forget the sight of her crying as she listened to Sen. Lindsey Graham defend her husband from Democratic attacks on his character. It was a sign of how brutal and hard-hitting these hearings can be, especially for a woman who, due to a tragic laundry accident, was forced to show up wearing her grandmother's couch." --"Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms

"Democrats are worried Alito might be a threat to the Endangered Species List. They started worrying about the Endangered Species List when they found out they were on it." --Jay Leno

"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush said Alito was 'immenately qualified.' Yeah, then he said 'Unless imminently means not.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back." --Jay Leno

"Samuel Alito is widely agreed to be conservative, intelligent and competent, and President Bush said he would be willing to overlook those facts this time." --Bill Maher

"Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito says he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980's. Yeah, apparently Alito wrote the song 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported this week that when he was in college, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito supported gay rights. Apparently, his exact words were 'Let's get Jenn and Stacy drunk and see if they make out.'" --Conan O'Brien

"If Judge Alito is confirmed, this is an interesting fact, there would be two sitting Supreme Court justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case of Mullet vs. Backhair." --Conan O'Brien

"Big battle brewing in the Senate over the Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito. Bush said the reason he chose Alito was because he did such a good job in the O.J. trial" --Jay Leno