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Tom DeLay Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Tom DeLay

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"Tom DeLay stepped down from Congress. He said he wants to spend more time in prison. Yesterday he quoted Martin Luther King, 'free at last, free at last.' I think it's great that Tom is so into the black experience, because in prison he's going to be experiencing a lot of it." --Bill Maher

"Tom DeLay, embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said he will not run for re-election and he will leave Congress in a few months. DeLay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most: slapping ice cream cones out of children's hands" --Tina Fey

"Tom DeLay announced he will not seek re-election and is giving up his seat in Congress. He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay is giving up his seat. Well actually, he's not giving it up, he's selling it to the highest bidder on eBbay. ... He said he wants to spend more time taking illegal camaign contributions from his family." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay announced he will not run for re-election. However, he said he will still continue to serve the people of his state by making them license plates." --Jay Leno

"Indicted former Republican majority leader Tom DeLay announced he is resigning from Congress and he will not run for re-election. People were shocked. A Republican with an exit plan? ... They say this will be the first time Tom DeLay actually takes a vacation he pays for himself." --Jay Leno

"I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation." --Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

"Washington, D.C. hosted a two-day conference called 'The War on Christianity.' All the usual Christians were there. Tom DeLay was there. He said Americans treat Christianity like some second-rate superstition. Another speaker called Christians 'the Jews of the 21st century.' To drive home the issue, Tom DeLay said, 'Just because I'm a prick, do I not bleed?" --Bill Maher

"Indicted Congressman Tom DeLay announced that he will not run for re-election as House Majority Leader but that he will run for re-election to Congress. So apparently he thinks he's too corrupt to be a leader, but not too corrupt to be just an ordinary congressman." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans are in trouble. Bill First, the Senate leader, is under investigation, Karl Rove is about to be indicted, Tom DeLay was indicted twice in one week. You almost feel bad for how screwed this guy is, because usually when someone wants to beat this kind of a rap, the person they bribe is Tom DeLay." --Bill Maher

"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue because of a suspicious package, did you hear about that? Turns out it was just a big bag of laundered money for Tom DeLay." --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about Tom Delay. ... He was nicknamed, 'Hot Tub Tom,' got kicked out of Baylor for drinking and ... became a wild party animal who drank 10 martinis a night, or as they call it in Washington, a Kennedy." --Jay Leno

"Don't kid yourself, this is serious. If convicted, Tom DeLay could end up with his own TV show. Two indictments in two weeks. See, this is something that could give Congress a bad name." --David Letterman

"Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay said he had a new priority in life -- outlawing prison rape." --Jay Leno

"Remember when Republicans, like Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston, when they got in trouble it was for sex scandals? See Tom DeLay is in trouble for money. Or as Republicans would call it -- this is a return to traditional values." --Jay Leno

"House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he is innocent of all wrongdoing and is the victim of a plot by the Democrats. Fox News does too; they've been spinning this story so hard they had to give the staff Dramamine today." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno
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